what do you do when your 10 year old wont keep her hands off of her brother and sister

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Pinky - posted on 09/01/2009

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I'd just like to give you another view point. With my son this wasn't naughty behaviour as such it was a symptom of having so much feeling he didn't know what to do with it. He felt under a lot of pressure from everywhere and i hadn't noticed, nobody had.

We started by teaching him to recognise his triggers- the types of things that would make him so mad he'd hit, then once he could see it coming we gave him an outlet for the feelings. For example if his older brother reached past and took the sweets he was going to have he would sing 'the wheels on the bus go round and round' which gave his mind something else to concentrate on, whilst giving his brother time to get out of the way and me time to get there so we could talk about what had happened and help him see it in perspective. this was the last in a long list of outlets, we had go out and kick the football as hard as you can, or run as fast as you can down the garden.

This might seem a very sedate way of dealing with it but after being constantly grounded , never having sweets, missing after school activities and constantly being shouted at my son broke down in floods of tears and told me he didn't mean to hurt people, he didn't know he'd done it until afterwards and that he knew everyone hated him and that he hated himself and he'd be better off dead.

You know your child best, I'd just like you know what happened with us so that you can avoid the mistakes I made.Take a step back and look at things from your child's point of view. The pressures that children are now under, in school with exams, after school clubs, peer pressure, parents constantly getting at you, sibling never respecting you, possibly even hormones as well. maybe its just a good idea to teach them coping strategies right from the beginning of this behaviour as well as no tv that night. I'd hate for any parent to feel the devastation that I felt hearing my son say he hated himself and that he'd be better off dead.

April - posted on 09/01/2009

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Tell them if they need to do something, I'll give you something to do. And give them a little job to do. Then when they find they get a chore every time the pull that stunt. They will quit.

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Rebecca - posted on 09/05/2009

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I think explaining that having siblings is often frustrating but you have to have better ways to deal with frustration. Work on some relaxation breathing, 5 deeps breaths repeated a couple of times should help refocas. I have on occasion grounded my children, and have many issues with fighting siblings, I find that relaxation with everyone seems to work better than taking all my kids stuff away.

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Actually, funny side-note....when we were kids, if we ever fought with each other at all we had to hug for 5 minutes(there were 4 of us). By the time the 5 minutes were over we were partners as we came up with ways to get her back! (we never actually got her back 'cause we always forgot as soon as we could go out again) But it was an interesting tactic that really did work...

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I agree with a lot of pieces from what everyone is saying. I am a stay at home mom of 2 young boys.
I honestly believe that an involved and attentive parent should be thoroughly cued in to their child's perspective, intentions and general personality. It is my opinion that an involved parent will understand the difference between a child who is genuinely upset and is acting out as a symptom to a larger issue verses the child who is being snotty and hateful. Sometimes an otherwise sweet child will act out because there is a totally different and serious problem you are not aware of. Otherwise, spanking certainly has it's place as a method of discipline. Either way, the abuse of a sibling should NEVER be tolerated. Let us hope and pray that a 10 year old will have already been taught sufficiently how to control their emotions at least to the point to not involuntarily lash out in a physical manner. So, assuming you have already taught your child how to handle this type of anger, it is most likely an intentional display intended to harm their sibling and not simply an inability to control an outburst.
That having been said...you should certainly never spank your child when you are frustrated or otherwise not fully in control of yourself. Spanking is not a means to degrade or "hit" your child...it is a disciplinary penalty for an infraction of a preordained rule. Your child should know which rules are backed by spankings up front and should never have to guess what will happen...by choosing to break the rule, they are choosing to receive a spank. As long as you are in control of your emotions and spank with a calm and assertive energy, they are effective when demanded, while at the same time , purely serve to humiliate and frustrate a child who does not truly deserve one. (Note of interest: after about age 10 spankings don't actually help a child learn...chemicals in the brain before this age are stimulated to help imprint on the child's memory whenever a painful stimulus is received, which actually do help a child to remember not to perform an action again. After this age however our bodies do not react in the same way and your 10 year old will not remember any better because she received a swat...) Although it may serve to scare your child into not doing it in front of you again, or to “keep them in line”, ...it will not, however, result in a change of heart on the child's part or to help to elevate her respect of her parents if not performed correctly with an ample amount of understanding and love. You must have a healthy relationship with your child for a spanking to work, so that your child believes that you spanked for no other reason than training (“Rules without relationships lead to rebellion”-James Dobson). It is a difficult and arduous task to parent well, but do we really have another option? Our children didn't ask to be born, and it is our responsibility to parent in such a way as to raise a generation of healthy, strong, courageous, conscientious men and women who are respectful and smart (free-thinkers, instead of robots), who will be ready for whatever our future throws at them. I pray that you will do what is right for your child, whatever the particular needs of your particular child are. Blessings on you and yours.

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my solution was to give them all chores. They all learn how to behave and stop provoking each other real fast. It's amazing how well they play together after a few rooms to clean up. It's very natural for kids to fight at any age. teens are the worst.

Kelly - posted on 09/04/2009

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Come on ladies! When my sister use to hit and push me, my mom handled it until I was in about 4th or 5th grade. My sister was 13 months older than me and, in her little mind back then HATED me. My mom told me if I taddled one more time about my sister hitting, pushing or what ever, I was going to get spanked and that I better handle it on my own. I'll never forget this time in my life, a real turning point. I was playing the piano and my sister came over and started pounding on the piano keys making it imposible for me to play. I warned her to stop and she laughed at me and asked me what I was going to do about it and I turned around and socked her in the face. She was shocked and went crying to my mom who calmly told her, guess you'll leave your little sister alone from now on, won't you. She did. You have to be the damn parent, spank their butts and put them in their room, show them who's boss. Really, you can NOT think all of this hoity toity stuff is working. I knew what would happen to me if I acted up, so I didn't - most of the time, but at least my mom was consistant, when I messed up, I got spanked, grounded or punished in some way that it was a long time before I messed up again. Today I'm a very respectable lady and when I see moms trying to 'reason' with a 3 - 10 year old when they are being blaten brats it makes me sick and when I see a parent whack their kids butts, I see the kid immediately stop acting up.

Sara - posted on 09/02/2009

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I have 3 daughters. My oldest is 7. When any of them hit the others, I first protect and comfort the one who was hit. As soon as I can, I turn my attention to the one who lashed out. I do my best to keep my heart open to all of them, because lashing out is a sign of pain. If I lash out in return, no one benefits. Nothing gets better. I do my best to figure out what need my daughter is trying to express through hitting and work from that knowledge. My daughters know not to hit. They don't need a lecture on that. I know not to hit or lash out in anger, but that knowledge doesn't stop me all the time either.

Chelsea - posted on 09/01/2009

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I have a ten year old son and I too sometimes have problems with him being mean to his little brother who is 6. My 10 year old has ADHD and has his bad days where he is very mean to his little brother and doesn't mean it. I know it's not really the same but when he is mean or hits or pushes his little brother my husband and I start by taking something away, like the TV or his DS. If that doesn't work and he continues to be mean we make him stand in the corner for ten minutes on top of taking something away. I hope this kind of helps. My grandma is a therapist and says all ten year olds start to get that attitude and resentment and jealousy. Just one day at a time. :)

Christy - posted on 09/01/2009

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Quoting Gina:

it certainly does matter the age of the other children and what exactly she is doing to them. my suggestion was definetly going to be to discipline her daughter, whether it is to take away her favorite toy or video game or make her go to bed earlier or take away her tv time. whatever is important to the child--because that is what will work! the reason I asked about the age of the other kids and what she was doing to them is because I wanted to know those things before I gave my opinion. Younger children learn from their older siblings, and they don't need to think it is okay for their sister to hit them or push them or whatever it is that she does. YOU GO G!


 

Gina - posted on 09/01/2009

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it certainly does matter the age of the other children and what exactly she is doing to them. my suggestion was definetly going to be to discipline her daughter, whether it is to take away her favorite toy or video game or make her go to bed earlier or take away her tv time. whatever is important to the child--because that is what will work! the reason I asked about the age of the other kids and what she was doing to them is because I wanted to know those things before I gave my opinion. Younger children learn from their older siblings, and they don't need to think it is okay for their sister to hit them or push them or whatever it is that she does.

Amanda - posted on 09/01/2009

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It doesnt matter the age of the other children, or if shes hitting them or pushing them. At the age of 10 she should know better and prob does. Ground her little butt, take everything from her, tv, toys, video games, give her house work to do. She will learn fast not to put her hands on anyone.

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