what do you do when your baby says they dont love you anymore ;(

Candice - posted on 06/05/2010 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I recently moved in with my bf three months ago and my 3 yr always says that this is not his home the my old place with my is his home. Today he through a huge fit saying that he didn't want to come to my home :( and that he didn't love me anymore. He has been really naughty and talking back . I don't know how to handle this . please some help from experienced moms.

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Christine - posted on 06/05/2010

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Just read the reply that suggests you smack your child if he says he doesn't love you. He's had to move out of his home, you have someone in your life that he may feel has taken his place in your affection and is realising that he might not come first anymore, smacking him will not help him feel secure!! He needs to feel secure and loved and we don't smack people when they say things that we don't like, no matter how small they are!! Like I said in my first reply, patience is the key word here!

Lisbeth - posted on 06/05/2010

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Yes I agree with everyone except the lady that suggested you smack your child please don't do that, he need comfort not violence.

Patricia - posted on 06/05/2010

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The most imprtant thing to do is to tell your child you Love him and you're sorry he's upset because you have moved. It's important to have one on one time with your child for his views of life. New romance is great but the child is going through being and feeling shuffled. Your ex or wherever he was and didn't want to come home FROM might be playing head games with him. He needs your reassurance that he will always be your #1 little man and you will always Love Him MOST! remember he's a little person trying to deal with BIG peoples feelings and emotions and he had NO input in the move so he feels uprooted and deserted. Take time Mom they are only little once but their security balnket needs reinforcement NOW so he doesn't get scarred by this. I had an ex who told lies to my babies so listen close and reassure a lot! If your new man doesn't take time with him also it will make him feel like he is pushed aside and unloved. You need to reinforce the circle of Love around him. If you don't it will make future problems. U are his security blanket and he feels like you yanked it away when U moved. Be patient loving and insist that your BF is also or don't expect respect from the child unless he gets it. He is your reinforcement and his relationship with the child is the childs lifeline if something goes wrong with u down the line he needs to BE there for both of u. Take time for child conversations to take the pulse of how he's feeling. You have to build a foundation of love to have a strong loving house. You will have lots of time with the new BF. If you're worth waiting for your CHILD is too= IT A FAMILY PACKAGE!!!

Schyla - posted on 06/05/2010

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he is showing a little independence when he says i don't love you wrap those arms around him kiss him and say Those are hurtful words and we don't need to hurt people I love you and I know your upset but you need to be nice. Keep telling him how much you love him and reminding him that being hurtful isn't ok. Give him the words he needs to express himself when he asks to go home explain to him that new places are scary. You son is acting his age moving is hard at any age he's only been talking for about a year and half he doesn't have all the words to express himself but he is feeling new stuff and that's scary even for you. acknowledge his feeling and give him the words. You shouldn't punish him for being upset and scared time outs for being naughty and talking back are alright he's old enough to start learning better. But he's still awfully little and learning about this great big scary world and if you lose your temper when he's acting in a way you don't like how will you teach him that acting up isn't the way to get what you want? I have a four year old who recently started firing people she doesn't agree with. (I made a sandwich for lunch she wanted a hot dog she fired me!) as cute as that is she earned a time out and an explanation on manners and the proper way to ask for something. She only tried the I don't love you ploy once and I picked her up set her on my lap and told her that it was ok that she felt frustrated with me but that I loved her no matter what she said or did, but I could not and would not allow her to be rude to me, and then she was made to apologize and had to do what I'd asked of her in the first place.

Christine - posted on 06/05/2010

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It's a hard situation, be very ,very patient and try not to let any hurt show or your son will feel that he has the upper hand! Show your son that you love him! It is very hard to reason with him at this age but try to talk with him and tell him that a home is where you, him and you partner are and that it isn't about the house. Does he get on well with your partner? Make sure that your partner is patient with him as well. Your son is acting out because he probably can't explain how he is really feeling. It could be hard for a while but it is important that you stay calm and don't get angry back so that your son will feel secure in your love and will learn about unconditional love as well! Don't let him feel that your new partner comes before him.Though he has to learn that rudeness won't get him anywhere as well as he may take some of his frustration out on your partner! Patience is the keyword here! Best of Luck to you and your family! And don't worry, your son does love you and will always love you!!

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Christine - posted on 06/07/2010

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Your son may be looking for reassurance that he is not being replaced as the "man" in your life. Continue to hug & hold him even when he pushes you to tears. We all have made tough decisions our kids don't like, but things work out as long as we keep our kids safe & love them. Remember that giving in because you feel bad is not the way to go. Setting boundaries and sticking to them will give him the structure he needs.You may want to look into getting him some counseling to help him deal with the change. usually they will start with him and them bring in the adults to get everyone working together. Good luck!

PETA - posted on 06/07/2010

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All kids tell there parents at some stage that they don't love them, try not to take it to heart. Cause they really do still love you. It is there way of letting you know they are hurting. Remind him you still love him. But don't like when he throughs fits.

Ask him why he doesn't like this house, ask why he doesn't love you. Make him think about it.

Kids don't like change, it takes them longer to adjust than us.

Make sure your routine is still the same as at your old house. Try and get him involved in decorating his new room. Make it a place he wants to be.

Remember all this will take time.

Good luck

Beth - posted on 06/07/2010

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Also good to remember that whether 3 or 21, our children will go through struggles where our role is to be there for them and be the voice of reason, strength and love. Many of the moms here have voiced that reassurance of your love for your child is key in situations of confusion, change and insecurity. This will always hold true as the many changes unfold in their lives. It is indeed very painful when your child speaks hurtfully to you. But we are the adults and they are the children. They will need to learn to communicate respectfully, and we will need to learn that by default, our role as parents is to teach, care for, and love our children unconditionally. God bless us all as we navigate parenthood! :-)

Rachelle - posted on 06/06/2010

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My grandson goes between his dad and mom every week. He is almost 3 and sometimes is upset at where he has to go. Try to make his sleeping area familiar to him. 3 year olds hate change! Don't loose your cool and don't come down to his level and tell him you don't love him ever more. He is testing you big time and it is important that you pass this test. Tell him you will always love him no matter what he says to you. (Make sure you are careful about what he is hearing)
Keep your eyes and heart open and make sure that he has no reason to not like your bf's home. How is he relating to the bf? Make sure your son has first place in your time as much as possible. He does not want to be replaced in your affections. He just found out that "home" can change and maybe he is worried that "love" will also change.
Remember - he is 3!

Gina - posted on 06/06/2010

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Hold him and ask him why he feels this way. There has to be a reason that he finds important to him to act this way. Just remember that his reason may not be important to you. Listen to all he has to say and tell him that no matter how he feels about you, or how he acts that you will always love him.

Sherri - posted on 06/06/2010

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He is trying to get a rise out you. He is using words that they know will hurt but it usually is over pretty fast and and hour later he will be loving you again. He may be feeling like his world is being torn upside down try and comfort him and maybe let him pick out things for his new room so he can feel like he has a say, is included, and still #1 in your world.

Iridescent - posted on 06/06/2010

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Children live in the moment. Remember this most of all when your child says he doesn't love you. Sit down and talk with him, hold him and say, "I do love you, very much, and I know you're angry and that's okay." Children have a very hard time expressing themselves, especially in regards to feelings. They often say they don't love you when they're angry, because they are angry and don't know the difference between being mad at you and not loving you. They need help to learn that difference.

Jessie - posted on 06/06/2010

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Christine, I believe she said if you believe in spanking.... so she didn't say to do it but only if she beleived in it. If that is how she chose to deal with it that is her choice. However, I do agree with you that spanking shouldn't be the way to handle this and personally agree with just being patient and not letting your child get to you. Someone else said to say "I love you enough for the both of us" I think that is good as well as just saying "ok, you can feel that way". Maybe giving them the freedom of expressing themselves would make it easier on them. I think it's a phase and shall pass. Good luck and hope it gets better for you.

Lissa - posted on 06/06/2010

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Whenever any of my children have said this I say, Mummy is sad to hear that because I love you very much. After a few minutes they come back and say they are sorry, don't shout, don't get upset. They have no concept of how hurtful it is, they are just trying to say I am mad and upset mummy. Changes have been made that have really affected him and that he can do nothing about. I would explain to him that you understand he is upset but this is your new home, give him lots of reassurance. You could ask him to come and choose paint for his new room, choose a new bed or make some pictures which you can frame and hang up. I am assuming your bf isn't your sons father, make time for the three of you do things together and also set aside times when it is just you and your son. Finding a project your son can help your bf with will help them bond and show your son that your bf can be a fun part of his life too.

Candi - posted on 06/05/2010

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I know how you feel! I have dealt with both the moving and the "I don't love you". My daughter had quite a few fits when my ex and I divorced. She always told me that where we are living now wasn't home and that she hated it here and wanted to go back and live with daddy. I just had to keep explaining that we couldn't go back to daddy, because mommy and daddy didn't get along anymore. She still had the fits, but with time it got better. When it came to I don't love you anymore, every time my daughter said it, I just responded with I love you! Don't let your child see it upset you, it will only give him reassurance that you don't like to hear it and he will continue. Just say I love you when he says he doesn't love you, and when he realizes that it doesn't bother you anymore, he will stop. Keep your chin up. Everything will be just fine.

Tracy - posted on 06/05/2010

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Its ok, do not NOT take it personal. I've been told "I hate you!" so many times in the past two years, I'd be rich if I had a dollar for each time. Don't hit him. Grab him, hug him, apologize to him that his life has gone topsy turvy, and tell him you love him no matter what. Explain, in his terms, what happened, why he had to move and how it's better for ALL of you. Remain calm and loving the whole time. I deal with my 8 yr old every week he comes home from his father's. He complains about how small our place is, and we explain that WE are making due so he needs to too. And our next house will be a house. MAYBE even the house we buy, we'll see. But bottom line, we are patient (which is HARD) and explain to him (again!) why we are where we are.

It'll be ok. Be patient, don't take his ugly language hurt you personally. Treat him with love and respect, and he will learn to do the same. He knows he's safe with you, teach him that yes he is, but hateful language is hurtful and never never never use it against someone you love. Good luck to you.

Candice - posted on 06/05/2010

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thank you ladies i have been totally stressed with this today . there have been some other things to deal with this move but this week has been really hard for us three living together, my son is my main concern and i have not problem leaving as long as he is happy !!!! :)

Michelle - posted on 06/05/2010

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If he has his own room in the new place maybe you 2 could paint it or just decorate it to what he wants. I also agree with some other moms, Tell him you Love him and that its ok to feel upset because you moved.

Tanya - posted on 06/05/2010

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Hi Candice, Good luck, you are doing a good job! it's a typical tantrum age, lol. I would tell him 'I love him very much' and just explain that we live here now and name some good things close by eg: park, school, kinda, friends houses etc...Maybe you could organise I fun thing for just the 2 of you to do together each day (eg: visit park, make a cake) :)

Amy - posted on 06/05/2010

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When my son who's 4 tells me he doesn't love me, or he loves daddy the most I usually laugh and say well I love you. Change can be tough and it sounds like your son is a lot like mine. We just swapped our dining room and living room and for two weeks he told me he hated it, he wanted the new furniture returned to the store, the old furniture back, and demanded that things go back exactly as they were before, so I can only imagine how he would react if we were to move! He's adjusted it just took some time, be patient with him and don't take what he says personally!

Candice - posted on 06/05/2010

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thank you ladies so much for all your help i really didn't know what to do but i will defiantly try these suggestions:)

Phyllis - posted on 06/05/2010

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I always reply "Thats ok, I love you enough for both of us!" He usually comes to apologize a few minutes later. You can't take it personally. They just don't know how to express themselves yet.

Amanda - posted on 06/05/2010

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Change is difficult for children, start by thinking about how he feels. His entire life has just been uprooted, he's been relocated against his will. Try telling him that you are ready to make a new family and that to do that you need a new home. Spend as much time as you can helping him to adjust, ask him what he needs to make it feel like his home. Do as much as you can to make him feel comfortable and when he tells you he doesn't love you don't let it bother you. Children will say that just to upset you, tell him that it's okay because you love him. You have to be patient with him, remember it's difficult to adjust to a big change.

Jessyka - posted on 06/05/2010

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i havent had issues with fits but we recently moved and it was my twins 1st move and they still ak if we can move back HOME.....they dont get upset anymore......its a phase. i know u will prolly hate hearing that but its true. the I DONT LOVE U issue needs to be stopped. ur the mom put ur foot down/take charge. if u believe in spanking woop dat booty.....he will stop but not if u dont STOP HIM. i had isses with 1 of my girls yelling i hate u and i put a stop to it. u INCHARGE not THEM. will be ok...i think all kids test us moms =)

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