What do you do when your grown son totally ignores you?

Fran - posted on 11/28/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Of coarse part of it is because he owes me money. But his priorities are screwed up. He let's his girlfriend tell him what to do & of coarse every Holiday is spent with her family. They don't think of me for my birthday, but I miss theirs or one their children I am put on the chopping block. I have tried to plan to go see them, even offered to bring dinner, just so I could see them & the granchildren & the day of they don't answer their phone. My boyfriend is annoyed, says this is no way to treat your Mother, that you only have one Mom & once she is gone, that's it and he will live to regret this. But in the meantime how does a mother keep her heart from breaking.

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Alice - posted on 02/01/2013

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I am going through the same thing with my son. Ever since he left for college, it was like a death. I never heard from him and he never called. When I would call or email him, I was lucky to get any kind of word from him. We were soooo close and spent time together all the time before he left for college.

He met a girl. Five years later, they get married, we give them $1,000 for their honeymoon, buy them many gifts for the wedding, never miss their birthdays, always remember them at Christmas, and now he has been married for two months and he lives five miles down the road and never calls, if I facebook him, I am lucky to hear anything out of at least seven messages I send. I have tried to be nice to his new wife, but she has a very negative attitude, carries a lot of baggage from her parents and hasn't told her Dad she loved him in seven years and her dad has done nothing but help her. He gave them $3,000 when they got married and not a thank you from her or I love you or anything.

When they got married, my son couldn't get a loan to buy a house he wanted for $80,000. We went to the bank to try to help him get a loan and they wouldn't give it to him because they said he had to have established a job for three years. So I borrowed the moneyon my own and gave him cash of $10,000 a month that he said he would pay back at $1,000 a month, and he has continued to do that. He makes payments to me every month (which he does make the payments) but now his wife doesn't like the house because it is too small, according to her. It is not small for the two of them and they have a downstairs that is never used. The house was gorgeous when they moved in. They have three dogs that are totally destroying the place. The dogs have used the bathroom downstairs so much that if you try to walk down there, it reeks of urine and feces. He just came over a minute ago to bring his dogs for me and my husband to babysit while they went to Atlanta. Hadn't seen nor heard from him in weeks. He comes in the house, no hi, how ya doing, hug, or anything (I would have thought he would have been concerned about my surgery). Just wants to use my computer to check on his status of the room they are staying in in Atlanta. I told him I would like to hear from him once in a while and he says he answers all my facebook messages and I picked up my computer off his lap to show him how many times he hadn't answered me and he says, what are you doing. I said I just want to show you how many times I have facebooked you and you didn't answer. (I am going to have surgery on a herniated disk compressing on my spine). I told him on a facebook message and he did answer me that time. He said, "Well at least it's not cancer, lol." (That was his answer to it). . He is on the computer all the time so I know he gets my messages. . It is his job to be on the computer all the time.

When I took the computer from him kindly, he says what are you doing. I said, I want to show you how many times you haven't answered me, so you can see. He gets mad and says I am trying to check on my room in Atlanta and I am in a hurry. So I hand it back to him and said, I just wanted you to see. He tosses the computer back in my lap and says come on Mary (his wife), let's go and him and his new wife gets up and walks out and before they do, I say, have a great life! No answer, they left, no goodbye no sorry I'm in a hurry, no luv u no nothing. I'm done! If he wants to see me, he knows where I live! My heart is breaking and I am feeling so low that I can't quit crying. How can you be so close to your child for so many years, do everything for them, live for them, give them everything, take them everywhere, and then they treat you like an old shoe????? He is about to turn 25 years old.

Aloha - posted on 11/28/2009

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Sounds like you need some help with seeing your grandkids, if you really want to see them there are laws that say you have grandparent rights. as far as him spending time with her family, holidays need to be shared between the two families that way things work out better, the money he owes you you'll probably never see it again so don't worry about that. GOOD LUCK

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Sherry Trentadue - posted on 03/24/2013

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I have went through this as well, and I agree, it is very painful when you gave your child everything and was always there for them through thick and thin. Now that they "don't need you anymore", it's like bye-bye. I cried alot wondering what the hell I ever did to him. I prayed on it repeatedly, and God gave me the strength to "let go". He is my salvation now--not my kids. I'm tired of crying all the time. Someday he will have to live with himself as to how he treated his mother...as the adage goes: "if you mistreat your mother, you will mistreat your wife." And his wife just recently filed for divorce.
I'm not saying it still doesn't hurt, because it does. But at least I'm not crying anymore.

Sherry Trentadue - posted on 03/24/2013

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I have an adult son who continually ignores his mother, me, and WHEN I do talk to him on the telephone when I call him, he says "he's been busy". Nothing for Mother's Day, Christmas, Easter, etc. It's like I don't exist. He's a heavy drinker like his father, who lives with him. Now his wife has left him probably for the same reason I divorced their father after 28 years of marriage. Help!

Angela - posted on 12/02/2009

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Hey Fran, it is called MIDDLE SYNDROME - my mum and my middle sister have a very similar relationship to that of you and your son.

When my mum is not working (which is very rare)she rings my sister, she tries to do this at least once a week but ususally she has to leave a message, when she can afford it she sends my niece a small gift and writes to her. Mum is doing everything she can with what she has and that isn't much. But it has to work both ways, and I am hoping that my sister stops playing the victim and learns that mum has done everything she can with what she has had.


My advice to you, Continue with your efforts to have dinner with them etc and but forget their birthdays etc but NOT the grandchildren because they are the real victims here, and if they do put you on the chopping block simply say to them that it works both ways and they have to make a little effort too.

Fingers crossed for you, as unfortunately there is no easy solution or fix.

Radha - posted on 11/28/2009

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Practice detachment for the time being....you have given him all your love when he was a child. He will remember it some day and come back to you. "Send" the love you feel for him from your heart, even if you do not know where he is :-)

Michaela - posted on 11/28/2009

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be the mother at your best!
ask of her, her family-how they are doing. when he is dressed up to town, tell him how lovely he looks or how ugly his date will be if he doesn't change that shirt.....
have a mother chart with him in the kitchen whiles cooking, tell him what he can do to acheive so much and how to solve his relationship problems; give him a period of months as in deadline to pay back the money but let him know you are not in a rush but also detemind to take back that money.....................and before i leave, let him know that no one can take his place in your life. if he goes to her-fine let it be so you don't sound and look like now. when he returns receive him nicely expercially the girl.

Fran - posted on 11/28/2009

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unfortunately everything that I say is always misunderstood or taken the wrong way. I could write a letter but I don't have his address. The money is an issue but not enough to keep me from having a relationship with them. They think I need to forgive them from paying me back, but it's a substantial amount & if my other child paid me back what makes him think that he shouldn't. I would think it's all about teaching responsiblity. Isn't that our job as parents?

Connie - posted on 11/28/2009

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It is hard I know I go through not talking to my youngest sometimes but for different reasons. You have to just let it go and yes, write him and his girlfriend a letter and let them know to forget the money. It isn't worth the worry. Then let him know you love him and are there if he wants to call or come see you. Then don't contact him until he contacts you. After he doesn't here your voice for awhile believe me, he will call or come see you. Tough Love is hard but you will kill yourself if you feed into what they are dishing to you. Live your life and they will come around. I am living it now. It doesn't take your love away just give you some peace of mind.

Laura - posted on 11/28/2009

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ohh sweet pea, thats terrible........all you can do is keep trying and extending the olive branch. Have you tried talking to them or sending them a letter and telling them how you feel?? I really dont know if I have a good answer for you....it's hard I know. Maube they are holding a grudge or something...hopefully they are grown enough to return the borrowed money from you. I'm wondering if you just didn't bother with them for a while how they would react? And hopefully you won't have to take them to small claims court over the money....but going in front of a judge might open those tightly closed doors between you.....wishing you the best of luck!!! Keep us posted...

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