What do you do when your son in law hates you?

Jody - posted on 02/09/2010 ( 50 moms have responded )

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What do you do when your son in law hates you?

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Debbye - posted on 12/30/2011

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You may love your husband, but you feel okay that your mom may be hurting? I wonder about that. I'm not so sure that I could love a man who treats my parents badly. But I'm sure you have your reasons. This are just my feelings. It would reflect a character that I would not respect in a man, especially if that man were to profess Christianity. I guess I just feel blessed that my husband is happy when I am happy and vice versa.

Vicki - posted on 02/12/2010

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Often times, people react to assurance and love from their in-laws in derogatory fashion, not because of anything YOU'VE done, but because of how they feel about themselves. And as you've already noted, your son-in-law doesn't believe you care - no matter how hard you try. My advice (based on personal experience) is to continue to love him and express that, regardless of his response. He is your daughter's husband - so he's a part of your family, whether he likes that or not. And remember, you're not loving him to get something back. I'm sure he felt plenty insecure LONG before he entered your family! Blessings.

Heera - posted on 03/10/2010

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I am so sorry. My husband hates my mother. My mother knows about this to a certain extent but I am the brunt of all his horrible jokes about her. And it tears my heart that he should talk about her in such horrible ways. the only thing i can do is love her more. His hate for her has made me that much closer to my mom. I hope it does the same for you and your daughter too.

Landrie - posted on 02/09/2010

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I am sure he does not hate you. I am not a mother of a married daughter but I was married and disliked my mother-inlaw. If you really think he hates you then just kind of ignore him a little bit. Do not ignore the family but just don't let him get the best of you. I am sure your daughter loves you and understands you. Son-inlaws are a pain. If he refuses to invited you to their home then invite them to yours. Just be careful, if your daughter cares it could cause an argument between them and then more problems will arise. The best thing I can think of not knowing your situation and going off of my previous mother in law. Just back off a little. I hope this helped. I don't like seeing moms hurting. Good luck to you and your growing family!

Rana - posted on 03/11/2010

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kill him with kindness......that way he can't say anything bad about you! It makes him look bad

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Shelagh - posted on 03/15/2010

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I have two grown up kids, and three grown up step-kids - and I see a promising future ahead as a professional mother-in-law! We have lived through a succession of boyfriends/girlfriends, some of whom I have liked, and some of whom I haven't. Apart from one daughter who isn't currently dating, the others all seem to have settled into long term relationships. For some, I hope the relationship continues, for others I'm surprised it's lasted this long - but in both cases it's really none of my business.

There are lots of reasons why your son-in-law hates you - maybe he's just not a very nice person, maybe you're just not a very nice person, maybe you're both nice but just got off on the wrong foot. I would suggest you keep a low profile for a while (at least a couple of months) and then keep visits etc short, and see where things stand.

Diane - posted on 03/15/2010

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Boy is this a tough one because we do not know the whole story and there are always two sides to everything. When you try to blend families it is sometimes difficult because everyone grows up in different environments with different relationship issues.
I came from an extremely close family and although my husbands family got along, they were not close like we were.
I have learned one thing and that is to always examine yourself first...look in a mirror. Were my actions/intent always honorable? Did I say things that I shouldn't have said? For me many times the answer was yes, I added to the problem.
I have two children, girl 28 and a son 25 who just got married and had a baby last week. A few days before he got married we went to lunch and as hard as it was I told him that his wife now had to come first. That although I would always love and be there for him, that I hoped things would not change between us, his loyalty and devotion should be to his wife. I stepped back. I do not call him everyday and wait for him to call. I invite them over but if they don't come I understand. I have to understand that she also came from a family that might have been different than ours.

Landrie mentioned that a son in law can be a pain........I might mention too that mother in laws can be pains as well. I am a mother in law and certainly not perfect. I remember kinda bashing Obama when they were dating. Her family are mainly Democrats and she was sensitive to what I said. I am a Republican and very conservative and I work for Right to Life. Obama is pro-abortion and I went on and on about this. She was crushed....and I realized I had a big mouth. I apologized and we are close today. I understood her.......and she understands my passion, I have just learned to show it differently.

Eleanor mentioned that it is not your problem but I disagree, it is A problem because he is married to your daughter and you love her, and you are hurt over what is going on. If you are like me I want everything, everyone to get along PERFECTLY. That is an unrealistic, unhealthy expectation.

You said this..."she is my greatest gift and before they married, during those 4 years, he knows I am a mama bear and I will protect her with everything, all he has to do is the same." She is your child but she is now married to someone who should be the bear. Roles have changed. You can still love her and be there for her but he is her husband now and should feel like he is the man, the provider, the protector. You even said you might have been overprotective. Do you make him feel like he cant provide? You mentioned that you were overprotective.......he might think that you think he is not good enough for her.
This is what I would do. I would talk to your daughter. She is the one in the middle and probably feels worse than you do, I am sure she adores you but has to please her husband. Ask her what she wants you to do, and how this can be resolved.
If you love her you will do what she thinks is right. You have to put bitterness aside and start fresh. Unforgiveness is sin and it will eat away at your life.
And if you do believe in God pray and give it all to Him.
I am sure you are a loving woman I can tell.........show him this side of you without putting demands on them. Hopefully he will see what really is in your heart.

Boy sometimes its hard being a mother. :)

I do not know what kind of religious faith you have but mine is Christian. I know what God commands me to do and that is love even my enemy, do good to others even if they do not do the same for me. To have a heart like Christ.....and He died for all of us, even those who mock Him.

Glynis - posted on 03/12/2010

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Surely when you marry, your family becomes bigger/extended, not `her family` & `my family` I only put any of my family first if they are ill, in trouble or need me more at that moment in time, otherwise ALL my family mean as much to me. When you are a mother, your natural instincts are to love/protect/nurture your young, it doesn`t matter how old they are. I have a daughter-in-law and we are exceptionally close I couldn`t love her more if she were my own daughter,



Amber think of this, how will you feel if one of your children in, say 20yrs time says/feels exactly the same about you as you do your mother right now.



Linda; I couldn`t agree more.



Heera; that, I would not stand for, no wayyy.



Lynn, good on you.



Mmmmm, right I`ll get me coat, night. :o)

Jessica - posted on 03/11/2010

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Be kind to him in spite of it. If you're just as hateful back, you may lose your daughter. Is losing your daughter worth a hateful word or action?

[deleted account]

I think everyone should get off Ambers back i think shes just hasnt explained herself very well in the beginning. Im in a situation where i was forced to choose between my husband and my family and my husband was forced to choose between me and his. We chose each other thats what marraige is about. I have to say my world revolves around him and if i was in ambers situation where he could go to work one day and never come back then yeah i think i wouldnt have as much time for my family as for him. When you grow up and leave home you do just that not to say you ignore them but they just arent as important as your husband and kids.

Veronique - posted on 02/15/2010

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I would just be myself with my daughter, and him. By being like this he will eventually feel bad, as he can then see you are not what he thinks.

Monique - posted on 02/13/2010

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check the compatibility with your horoscope sign and his sign. OR you never know what your daughter told him about the past and thats why it seems like you arent favored by him.. maybe someone told him that you said something negative about him.. he might think that you dont like him... he might not like you if you are in their business a lot... meaning that you are too opinionated or nosey.... I personally think that, he is disrespectful because even if he doesnt like you.. he should never show it... you have been living your life all the time without him and you can continue to do so. He probably has something to hide and doesnt want you too close.. give him a gift.. like a pool table or a game system.. fishing pole... a flat screen tv.... or something that he could really enjoy during his downtime and you may see a change. sit down to lunch with him and ask hiim... I asked my inlaws and I got an honest answer. DONT FEAR ANYTHING BUT YOUR GOD! ..... if youre shy, ask him in front of people and that will shock the hell out of him lol. I am going on 25 and been married for 7 years, I might know a little bit about inlaws. god bless you and your family at least you are trying to keep the peace.. horoscope signs have eveything to do with it.

Kristin - posted on 02/12/2010

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While I don't exaclty have this situation, the only thing I can offer is be kind, be polite, and maintain you relationship with your daughter and grandchildren to the best of your ability. This may mean a lot of one on one time with them and the sometimes offer to have him join you. Talk to your daughter and let her know that you are aware that things between her husband and yourself are difficult and that you love her always. You don't have to be friends, but mutual respect of each other will go a long way to finding peace. Also, some people just really like their space. I know I can get petty and mean if I feel that my space is being invaded or I'm ready to not be with my family any more.

My father's wife (not my mom) came from a very disfunctional family this has colored how she interacts with my dad's family. She has stated, in front of my dad, that she has no desire to know me. That is her decision, all I can do is continue to extend the offer to come visit and be polite when in her company. I will not deny my dad a relationship with my kids because she has issues. I will not be the one to make him choose. That will usually backfire on the person forcing he issue. Good luck.

Tracey - posted on 02/11/2010

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I myself am in a similar situation an I took the wrong approach. My daughters partner an I made it cleared we didn't like each other an I chose to stay away an now they are split, an my daughter still doesn't want to be near me, I would like to be there for her but can't as she will think I've only come to her since he has gone this is partly true but at the end of the day i just want to be there no matter what. Just let your daughter know that you are there for her & him whenever they are ready. Hopefully this helps a little

Netty - posted on 02/11/2010

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Hi Jody.....I bake my son-in-laws a pie \\\\\\\\\\\\\\7 just try todo nice things also I try not to get involved in their personal affairs... PRAY lots ..jesus knows everything & loves u ..He will give u wisdom hope this helps.. love you...

Heather - posted on 02/11/2010

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trying to blend your family when your children marry can be hard. Yes I have a son in law and the first bit was tough. I will say that I respect him and he is turning out to be a great young man. First and foremost he loves my daughter and second he is a great father to my beautiful grand children. 3 he is in the military and when he is home on leave for short periods I like to give them the space they need they are a family. Does he hate you I doubt hate is what it is. You raised his wife and he loves her. He more then likely wants the down time at night to be spent as a family. From what I have read they live in a very small place and I bet they not only want time as a family but they want you to be comfortable and a pull out couch isn't going to be it. Take the hotel and love every second you get with them. Yes bring the food and wine and be glad that you have the time during the day with them at night you can relax in the hotel and get great sleep. And really the relationship will be what you want it to be and what he wants it to be just remember your daughter is his wife and she loves him so help her out. And to Amber help your Mom along she does love you and she will in time come to love your husband. I can see that you love her but need space and that is ok set the stage and talk to her tell her what you need and sometimes just writing it down will help her so she knows what you need and want and she can tell you what she needs. I hope this helps

Lynn - posted on 02/11/2010

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I have a wonderful son-in-law---my daughter-in-law at times is another story--it might help to discuss your feelings with him-- my husband and my mother disagreed on everything-I think they liked that--before my mom passed she actually approved of my choice-she just hated that we lived so far away that she didn't get to see us much

Barbara - posted on 02/10/2010

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If I was in your situation you have described I would not try to push family togetherness but rather try to maintain some kind of relationship with my daughter/grandchildren where you spend time with them individually when the son-in-law is doing other things. (surely he has hobbies like fishing, hunting, etc. that require his time away from your daughter/kids from time to time.) That is when I would make plans with just the daughter and try to make memories with the grandchildren without all the tension he brings to the situation. Do you think you can do that? I do think it is very important that you not let him isolate you totally from your daughter as that is a prime tactic with narcisstic and often abusive men, to separate the wife from their families so that they are totally dependent on him. I don't know if that's what you're dealing with here or not but it sounds possible.

Nola - posted on 02/10/2010

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Yes, you are suppose to leave your mother and father, then you and husband become one. But, that doesn't mean that a son-n-law should not like his mother-n-law.

Nola - posted on 02/10/2010

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Tell your daughter to continue to come visit you. If your son-n-law hates you, that is his problem, if you have tried to talk with him, and he still doesn't want to like you, then it's up to him. you tried. my niece's husband doesn't like my sister either. So, they just have to do things just mother and daughter when they can.continue to be cordial with him, and as my mom use to say, " Pass and re Pass"

[deleted account]

and im glad you have your mother living with you lynn but just bc some families arent that close doesnt mean theyre bitter or selfish... its just a different lifestyle... and with my lifestyle (military) i spend my time that i have with my husband and my kids bc at any time could he get the call and leave and never come back and leave me with 2 kids alone... my time spent is well thought out... i will always put my husband above my mother...that is what a marriage is about... do you people not remember your vows... Matthew 19:5-6....

[deleted account]

i want to know where everyone got the idea that A) im rude to my mother or B) that i dont inlcude her in my life... she comes to all the important things holidays and birthdays we see them usually 1 weekend out the month but now that im 5 mths prego with a 1 yr old traveling isnt on my mind... i live in base housing which is a 2 bedroom apartment that is small 960 square ft and so what if we feel more comfortable with them in a hotel room... if i included her in my everyday life then i wouldnt feel like i had grown up i would feel like her best friend and thats not what i want... sure she might want more out of our relationship but things change and kids grow up they arent going to be living in the same town and get to see you alot esp. when we are a military family... someone is always going to want more and sometimes people just cant give it to you... my mother had different expectations for my life than i had for my own... and that was the WHOLE point of all of this is maybe the mothers expectations are a little too much for her daughter and her son in law to meet maybe they dont want to meet her expectations and i dont want to meet my mothers bc then id be living in the same town depending on her 24/7 and not learning things on my own with my own family...

LYNN - posted on 02/10/2010

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i am so glad amber that i am not your mother you sound really selfish and bitter .i have my mother living with me and my husband and they do not get on but i do not put him before her and i do not put her before him .but i do feel sympathy to your mother what about a bit of give and take

[deleted account]

First off I am NO-where near spoiled... ive had a job and had to work my ass off to get where I am I have a masters in biology ive lived on my own since i was 17 met my husband at 19 got married and have 2 amazing kids and have NEVER ever had any problems i am very independent and all at 22 i have an amazing credit score i have had a directors job in the Girl Scouts and i have no debt i own my own car which i paid for by myself... and sometimes families are like bad friends that you have to keep and i ask myself why put myself in that situation... just bc i believe in CCR (clean cook reproduce) doesnt mean im going to take shit everyday bc shes my mother and i hope my kid would be grown up enuf to tell me the same esp. if i was crossing boundaries into his life when he gets married and has his own family and we arent disrespectful to them in ANY way we just choose to live our life first....and I do talk to my mother but only when needed she isnt my best friend shes my mother and i dont need her right now i am the mother now and i seperated from her a long time ago just like what youre supposed to do after marriage.... maybe you shoudnt comment on someones life when you REALLY dont know all of the situations going on... why not answer this ladies question about her son in law and get off my life... i was giving her another side to look at (the daughters)...

Tracy - posted on 02/10/2010

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My ex hated my father, in fact my whole family. He alienated me from them for years. Why? Because he is a narcassist controling jackass. If it wasn't him or his family, or took my attention from him, he resented it. Frankly, it sounds like your son in law and my ex could be very much the same ilk. I hope your daughter wakes up and realizes that when all hell hits the fan, your friends and family are who will be there. A guy like that will crumble and expect her to support him in all manners.

Jammie - posted on 02/10/2010

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i really agree with what amber said i have a similar situation my daughter and her fiance actually live with me for now i see him everyday and very rarely do we speak he too did not come from a tight knit family and besides that he is with my daughter not me as long as he is not being disrespectful i just leave him alone there is no tension on most days we just live our own seperate lives maybe if you quit worrying about him liking you and just accept him as he is with no conditions or expectations he might see that you are sincere in your desire to know him better

Stacie - posted on 02/10/2010

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Amber, Amber, Amber ... you apear to be a very young spoiled young woman. While "adopting" the 50's approach is just fine keep in mind back in that time there was RESPECT shown to your parents, both sets of parents. While I never had a great love relationship with my mother in~law, she is a good person, loves my children and would do anything for them so why would I ever think to not include her in our lives? Someday my young spoiled friend you will need your mother if for nothing else then to talk ... and while I am sure she will be there for you, how nice it would be that you were also friends now. By "allowing" your young and also spoiled husband dictate who gets to come to your home you are doing yourself a very big disservice ... but you are too young to know this yet ... even in the 50's the husband was always nice to the in~laws even if he didnt really feel that way. Such a shame ...

Anicia - posted on 02/09/2010

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life is too short you should talk to your daughter to have time with just you and your grandkids outside his sight,when you are gone at least she will always remember you and your grandkids will remember you as a happy person having time with there mom and also you daughter should draw a line on what her husband has to say about you and your family

[deleted account]

hes not gone yet... and maybe when he is i will... but ive got my own family to run here and when i have time i will but lately isnt an option

Rebecca - posted on 02/09/2010

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Amber... wow, so if your husband is gone alot.. why is that your mother still doesn't get to visit?? I love my mother coming over and spending time with her grandkids...I wish she could more often! I don't mean to be rude, but I'm just curious as to why anyone would chose between there mother and husband or why they would have to for that matter??

Jessie - posted on 02/09/2010

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Well if you like that he is the boss than that is great. I'm way to strong willed for that, but to each their own. My husband is also in the military and my Dad my brothers and most of my family was in the military at one point or another. My husband and I don't do anything really by the old standards. I hate cooking, can but don't like it so he cooks, we both clean, and we both take turns taking care of our daughter (like getting up with her and stuff, changing diapers and feeding her etc.) I do the finances b/c when we got married he got deployed and I kept track of everything so we kept it that way. Really we just go with the flow keeping the respect for each other and helping each other as our highest priority. That isn't for everyone though and it doesn't work for everyone. Some families thrive the way you do it and I think it's great that every family is so unique. :)

[deleted account]

because i believe that husband and wife are not equal...i have the old 50's mentality in my marriage and it works... i stay home cook clean take care of the kids and etc... i have a masters degree if anything were to ever happen, but my husband is in the military and hes the boss lol and the being far away physically is because of military moves and when i married i seperated from my parents and went with my husband...and sometimes her opinion gets on my nerves too...to be blunt... and most marriages arent all family... most inlaws dont get along if you do consider yourself lucky and be very thankful... and my husband isnt close to his family has nothing to do with me and my family it just explains why he isnt close to them and i dont expect him to be....

Jessie - posted on 02/09/2010

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Amber I find it a little odd that you talk of your house as "his own home" and "that he pays for it" In my marriage it is our house and it's our money. We don't have a division. Also since you were close to your mom why would you of wanted to be far away from her and isolate yourself? I'm close to my Mom and even though she always has stuff to say I love her for it and if she died I would look at her accomplishments but I would feel really awful if I didn't see her as much as I could have. Also, my husband has a great relationship with my parents so I don't see why being a son-in-law or daught-in-law has to be so negative. When people get married everyone is family, and unless there is a really good reason why should it be uncomfortable. Just b/c he wasn't close to his family doesn't mean you have to not be as close to yours does it? I'm sorry if any of this offends you I'm just curious. We all have our opinions and that is mine :)

Madonna - posted on 02/09/2010

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It's your life and you are the only one who has to live it, I've been married 50 years and I'm 68 years old just thought I would give you some life lived advise. Sorry if I affended you

[deleted account]

Madonna, so I should make my husband uncomfortable in his own home that he pays for? I don't think so... Im sorry I have to disagree. I like my privacy and its better for all to just stay in a hotel room... less drama less fight and we each get time away... and if my mother were to pass its life... i wouldnt look at the negative I would look at all her accomplishments.. theres no need to make everyone uncomfortable... and why would ou want to stay at a home where half of it doesnt want you there a hotel 5 mins away is a good compromise...

Linda - posted on 02/09/2010

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Amber - I guess I am proof that when your parents trust you enough to let you make your decisions as an adult, but stand by ready to help you back up when you fall, that everything turns out OK in the end. I am treating my daughter and her husband the same way I was treated once I got married...

Madonna - posted on 02/09/2010

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I have a son-in-law and a daughter in-law I try to stay out of thier bussiness unles ask my option,but to the daughter Amber, This is your mother and she gave you life and raised you and I'm sure gave all she had for you, remeber she could be gone tommorro and then how would you fell about not allowing you mother to spend a night in your House. Your husband has the right not to enjoy her compny but Hate come on how can he love you and hate her??? Both mother and husband need to grow up and be adults the answer is always respect on both parts. I've lost my mother and I give anything to have her back, but my husband was a man and he learn to love my Mom and I learn to love his. It takes a lot of give and take and you will always be in the middle but you also can turn on your mother, he will just have to learn to accept her and she will have to not be so nosey.

Emilie - posted on 02/09/2010

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I don't think you should ignore him. My ex husband hated my mother, because he thought that she talked about him behind his back. He was very paranoid. If you think he hates you, yuo should just be nice to him, try to include him in stuff, show him that you do not hate him, he will come around.

[deleted account]

Linda do you want to talk to my parents... hahaha they could really use this understanding that you have...

Linda - posted on 02/09/2010

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I am in a very different boat, my daughter has been married a little over a year, but I get along great with my son-in-law. I think part of the reason is that I respect him, and I respect the fact that my daughter is now an adult with a home of her own. While I am always ready to lend my daughter and her husband a hand should they need it, I never force my help/opinions on them. When I do offer advice, I always make sure that they understand that my advice is offered to assist, but that I understand and expect that they will make their final decision based on what they feel is best for them, not based on my advice/opinion. Do I want to protect my children, of course, but I feel it is more important to repect them as adults and trust that I have raised them to make good choices. After all, when all is said and done, they are the ones that have to live with the choices they make...

[deleted account]

and your not his mom youre her mom he really and truly doesnt owe you anything....in this day and time elders dont get respect like what they used to... everyone is seemed as a person no matter the age so to him your just a person....

[deleted account]

and just a thought... maybe you have expectations for him (i.e. you expect him to let you stay in his home and come during holidays) and those arent his.... and maybe he has expectations of you (bring food and wine and not to add your opinion to anything in their life)... these expectations are a little unreasonable... its their home and they have the right to choose whether they would like you to stay and if hes uncomfortable with it then you should respect that...

[deleted account]

I am the daughter in this situation... My husband wasnt close to his family so he isnt going to be close to mine (even though i was) it has caused seperation between my mother and i, but to be honest maybe its for the better... i know she loves me she knows i love her but im on my own and need my own family... my mother is the butting in on everything type.. they also live 4 hours away.... its just easier in our busy life not to worry about things that stress us and to be happy and if that means space between my family (husband and children) and my mothers family then so be it... i dont want to be in stressful uncomforable situations and etc... she always has something to say and frankly i dont want to hear it... i dont know if this helped but maybe space is what they need... and i mean no offense but you are his mother in law... hes not going to be all sunshine and rainbows towards you... just remember its not just him keeping her from you she has made the decision WITH him....space is needed sometimes and maybe she will come around but the more you pull the more he will push and you cant put her in the middle its unfair and she is most likely going to pick her husbands....

Jody - posted on 02/09/2010

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I may have seemed a little overprotective, but she's 33 years old now and that's not an issue, she is quiet independent and always has been, however, she is my greatest gift and before they married, during those 4 years, he knows I am a mama bear and I will protect her with everything, all he has to do is the same. He is, but he didn't want us to come out at Christmas time and we are not welcome to stay at their home - his decision and unfortunately, she is the one who pulls in the big bucks, but he can tell me I cannot stay at their home for the holidays even though I am bringing the food, wine, etc. We do not push ourselves on him, I think he decided long ago to be this way and isn't going to change. I always feel as though I'm walking on egg shells around him and I'm the mom, I think I deserve some respect. I don't expect anything out of him.

Joanne - posted on 02/09/2010

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Ask him what you have done to him that makes him feel like that! have you been too over protective with your daughter, and tell him if you two dont see eye to eye the only person that it will really effect is your daughter! which is the last thing you both will want to do, but you need to ask him before your going to know and then maybe start working from there. I know i have never done anything to my inlaws but feel as though i dont fit it and it is uncomfortable at times but then i think my hubby has his relationship with his parents which i dont have to play a big part in why should i make an effort when it isnt made for me if you know what i mean.

my hubby Loves my mum he has a great relationship with her and he would turn to her first before anyone if he couldnt come to me with a problem. I think because at the start she told him what she would and would not put up with! he treats me and my daughter brilliant which pleases her. im glad they see eye to eye on alot of things because it makes life alot easier :)

Jody - posted on 02/09/2010

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Thank you so much. My mother in law and I always had issues as well but she's gotten much better since I take very good care of her now totally disabled son. My daughter is wonderful, and he's afraid of me. No matter how hard I try to let him know I care, he won't believe it. I have given up. They live 4 1/2 hours away and we have always driven out to see them. I will no longer do that, they must come here once. The last time they visited us was 3 years ago. I am very hurt by his oftentimes hateful words and distant attititude. He's a narcissist. It kills me not to see my daughter as often as I would like.

Eleanor - posted on 02/09/2010

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Ignore him, try not let it other you, hope you still see your daughter or does it influence that? It's his problem not yours, just be polite and pleasant when you see him, but it's defo his prob not yours.

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