What if your step kids live with you full time, and do not what to see there mom?

Andrea - posted on 05/20/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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What do we do, they live with us full time through the school year and they are in sports here. But there mom wants them for the summer but they do not want go and they will miss out on there sports here. There mom lives like 7 states away. What do we do?

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Theresa - posted on 05/21/2010

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If your kids were, say, a senior in high school and were missing sports and friends, that would be a different conversation. However, at 10 and 8, they will survive! If they want to participate in sports, chances are that there are opportunities where their mom lives. And who knows, they could end up making friends there which could help with the transition each summer. Lets face it, divorce is really hard for everyone involved...and as a product of a divorced family, I can say that! But you have a really unique opportunity here. As the mother, and father, you have the chance to influence your kids for the good. Spin the reality into a positive light. Talk about how lucky your kids are that they get to go to a whole different state for the summer...who else gets to do that! Talk about the new friends they could meet there and what a great experience it will be. And when they are sad and frustrated, affirm them, but then talk about the positive... Even if it means talking about a super fun homecoming party when they get back...anything to get them excited. I know this can't be easy... But legally, is there even a choice? I don't know all the details of your situation... Just remember that no matter what, you and your attitude matter! If you are frustrated and sad and angry, your kids will be too. If you are excited and positive (even if you do not feel that way and are just faking it for the kids' sake!), your kids, hopefully, will eventually be too. I really commend you for being a concerned parent! Sounds like you really love your kids and just want what is best. Sometimes, unfortunately, what we think is best is not always possible! Best of luck!

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Desiree - posted on 02/10/2013

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If there is not a court order do you guys at least have a court custody paper saying you have custody if not i would not sendthem untill there is because she could take them and not give them back . On another note how long has it been since shes seen them and spent time with them. Because maybe they feel more like shes a stranger and they dont feel confortable staying with someone they havent seen in a long time. This could leave them feeling abandonalone and even depreesed. I would suggest that she visits them more often and get reaquanted with her children and if sheputs effort in seeing and getting to know them then maybe slowly each summer ge tthe visits longer .if not she will have to come to your state to get custody for the summer!

Rachael - posted on 02/10/2013

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My sister has the same problem! There is obviously a reason that they don't want to see their mom! Whether it be they don't like being there, or whatever, there is a reason!! Ask them why they don't want to go, and listen to what they say. If they say "we just don't want to", ask them specific questions, "what do you do when you're at your moms?", "what does your mom do?". You might even want to get the court involved and get something set in writing. If you do this the family judge and attorneys will find out why the children don't want to go with their mom, and what kind of repercussions it will have on them long term.
My sister and her husband used to make their boys go even if they don't want to. But since their mom has several other problems, like drugs, ect. they went before a family judge and got a custody arrangement that had specific criteria that the mom has to meet. I did the same in my custody arrangement with my ex. He is a recovering alcoholic, and he lives in Minnesota. He has to stay sober for an entire year, and have a place for our daughter to stay, otherwise he has to come here (Texas) to see her.
Honestly...just use your best judgement! If you feel they are not being treated right or that their safety is in any way compromised, DON'T SEND THEM!! Good luck!! :)

Erica - posted on 02/10/2013

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Andrea,

First I think you and your husband both need to agree what to do. Easier said than done, I know.

Second lets look at this logically. There is no court order, the girls don't want to go, but more importantly you both are unsure how they will be cared for. So how about you guys go on vacation to see his family for a week and meet up in public areas for her to see the kids, like a park? If you do this though, there needs to be rules for this meeting. 1. You need to give her a heads up in advance and explain that the girls don't want to be away from their home for a summer, but in the name of good parenting this is what you are offering. 2. If anyone is upset about this it is not to be talked about infront of the girls. 3. If at any point the girls verbalize a want it is followed, whether that is to go with the mother for an hour or to leave with you guys. And let the girls know about rule 3. It sounds like they need to know they have control of their rights in this situation and letting them know that they can choose whom they are around and when is a great way to help them feel in control.

Good luck!!!!

Jinny - posted on 02/06/2013

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I have 3 step kids for 8yrs now. They were like 10, 5, 2 at that time. I don't know how old your kids but there's only one thing. it's up to them. We always ask them first all the time then if they don't want to go "that's it." She can't forcing them to do it. When they were young it was little hard cause they didn't know what to do, what's going on. Even she took my husband and kids to the court after 1 1/2yrs she took off with her nwe guy, and she pretends she came back for kid but She came back for all about the money. However, she made so many mistake and hurting kids feeling so maybe my situation little easier then you I don't know. My kids are now 17, 12, 9. They are with me they raised by me and they know everything what's going on. You taking care of them full time.... Andrea, you're the mom!! No matter what. and I know how you raised them... I understand 100% how you feel.

Iridescent - posted on 05/22/2010

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Oh yea, lol! It sounds like your girls' mother is similar in that she doesn't want the work of raising them, yet is jealous when she sees what great children they are and knows she's not responsible for that. She wants the credit for it and not the work or effort.

Iridescent - posted on 05/22/2010

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That's quite a sad situation. My husband was like that as well. He knew the twins were neglected, abused, malnourished, severely harmed from lack of attention and medical care and just plain care. Yet he didn't want to keep them from their mom, or keep them from knowing her. Now he says I am their mom. Their biological mother kicked them (the twins) out when they were 17 months old. She was sick of "playing dolls" so to speak, because they required a lot of attention and care, and SHE wasn't getting attention like she wanted. She saw them for a total of about 5 hours last year, most recently about 5 minutes last July. She called last to see how they were in January. She has been put back in prison since and will never be allowed contact with them again until they are at least 18 years old, because she is a pedophile. The twins do not remember her at all. Honestly, it's best that way. They are loved here. We bring them to see their 2 older siblings that were adopted by their grandmother after she shook one (Shaken Baby Syndrome and several surgeries later...) and neglected the other. We had fought for custody of the twins from their birth, but the state wants children with their mother...despite the fact that the state revoked her parental rights on two separate occasions already. We were told after she kicked them out and we had them, but didn't have custody yet, that we didn't qualify for medical assistance for them because we didn't have legal custody. Their father is only their father. And if she were to request them back, despite having letters from social services and the police department saying we cannot bring them to her, and her probation officer stating the same, that legally we had to drop them off and go directly to the police department, social services would pick them up immediately, put them in foster care, then hand them back to us. Because she is the mother and has all the legal rights. We finally got full legal custody but it was hard even with all the proof we had. It's sad that laws are set up the way they are.

Andrea - posted on 05/22/2010

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Well my hubby is really upset and confuesd about the situation. Beaucse he dosen't want to keep the girls from her. Help wants the girls to have a relationship with her and wants them to talk to her we both make the girls talk to her. They will yell and cry and say why do we have to talk to her and why do we have to go there. The say stuff like are you guys mad at us or do you want us to go there. This really breaks my heart to hear this from them. I love this girls as my own kids. They wanted to move close to my family here in ohio and there family lives in FL. That is where there mom move too. Which makes them very unhappy becuase she lives close to my hubby family... She is over there all time. My hubby and I just want this girls to be happy and have a good life. Life is so carzy when you have good people that take good care of there kids and people that would give anything to have a kid and the ones that have them do not want them then. But when the see them doing good and happy they want them back. Well I believe in God and I know with my whole heart that God will not put them in danger. Thank you all for you support, and I pray that everything goes good for these little girls becuase they are the greats little girls in the world and we love them so much!!

Theresa - posted on 05/21/2010

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Andrea, Your 7:18 pm post shed some light on the situation. So the bio-mom has no court order, no job, another kid to take care of, your girls don't even like talking to her on the phone, yet she wants them for the whole summer??? I love what Amy Lea had to say.... don't send them. If their bio-mom wants them that bad, then she can scrounge up the money to come and see the girls on their home territory. Sounds like a messy situation in the past and I agree with Jennifer, also, to trust your instincts...especially if legally you don't have to send them! By the way, what does hubby have to say about the situation?

Jennifer - posted on 05/21/2010

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i honestly dont care the age of the child. if a child doesnt want to go with a parent there is something with that. When my son stays at my aunts he says he doesnt want to come home. but after the day he misses us.I just couldnt make a child that upset especially when its about going to visit their mom. I wouldnt definitly let your motherly instinct click in.And just by you second guessing i think in your heart you dont think this summer is the time. I say you let them make the decision.Or maybe they would want to go if it were a shorter visit.Just a thought. best of luck to you and your family.I say do whatever is best for the children.Not you the other mother but the kids.

Andrea - posted on 05/21/2010

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Well first there is no court order... They have been with there dad for about five years now. Before that they where going back and forward with them. If she had the money or a place to go with them. She also has enough kid to that is almost 4. She is not working right now. So I do not know how the girls would be taking care of. We pay for everything and are there for everything. They may talk to her onces a week or long than that. They always cry and never want to talk to her. She has put this girls through a lot of stuff and they are really hurt from it. I just do not want to see them sad and feel this way. I do not know what to do, beacuse I was not there when they went through all this stuff. Please Help Me, this stuff is driving me carzy and we just had a baby that will being turning one soon , so I do not want her to see her sisters upset. WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!

Sharon - posted on 05/21/2010

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Um even if the kids are 10 & 8 - if there is a court ordered visitation in place, you have to follow the law.

Iridescent - posted on 05/21/2010

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By the way, we also have full custody of my step children. They are 3 year old twins and their mother hasn't seen them for almost a year now. Fortunately for us, the twins no longer remember her, she doesn't call or care, and they are unlikely to ever see her again. Some people would disagree with this, but they do not know the background so have no right to judge this decision.

Iridescent - posted on 05/21/2010

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Even at 10 and 8, they may have a choice. Let her take the issue to court if she desires. A week at a time, once per month, through the summer, is considered reasonable. The entire summer is not.

Samantha - posted on 05/20/2010

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If the kids are old enough to make the choice themselves they have every right not to go visit their mother.

Talk to their mother and organise for her to stay in town instead, to watch her kids play sports etc, kids dont need to be uprooted and taken away from their friends and family and healthy activities when it would work out better for all if the mother uprooted to see them instead.
Hope that makes sense.

Jodi - posted on 05/20/2010

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Andrea, how old are the children, and is there a court order or some sort of parenting agreement in place for the custody arrangements?

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