what is it and how do i fix it??

Danielle - posted on 01/06/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

38

42

4

my son is almost 3 (jan 31st) and he is a good boy for the most part.

he is potty trained and sleeps thru the night. In july of 09 we had his little bro and he has showen no signs of jelousy.



But lately he has gotten out of hand he is not eatting anything buy yougurt, EVERYTHING is NO, he is calling family members stupid and retarded.

he has told his dad that he hates him and "you dead daddy, you dead!"



he has 1 friend that he dont get to hang out with very often b/c he has this "definence disorder" and his parents let him get away with everything and he acts like that telling his mother tha he hates her just cuase she wont let him have a chocolate bar....... so he dont see him more then once a year and the last he seen him was june 09

we try to spend equal amount of time together with each of the boys, and we let him stay up a half an hour later then his brother and we read stories or do stuff with him then but he still acts this way



any suggestions would be a great help!! i just miss my good boy the one that told me he loved me.........

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Alecia - posted on 01/06/2010

2

20

0

Is this something he's getting from a tv program, or possibly daycare? My daughter started having major nightmares right before she turned 4 and we realized it was because her grandma watched NCIS and CSI when she was watching her. All the bloody, dead bodies were causing her to have bad dreams.

Kiala - posted on 01/06/2010

29

14

3

thats a really tuff one, all i would say is dont give into him just because of his words he's heard them before but doesnt seriously know what hes talking about. His actions are punishable, as long as you baby him & let him get away with stuff he will test his limits. If he touches the stove after you say hot & you dont do anything he will touch it again & hold his hand there longer, to see whats gonna happen or just HOW hot is it? He does sound like hes lashing out about something.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

13 Comments

View replies by

Colleen - posted on 01/06/2010

117

30

14

You probably find he's had a delayed reaction to his brother being the 'baby' and stealing his position in the world. He was your whole world and now that's been downsized. Although you are doing your best to spend time with him he sees just how much 'attention' his little brother is getting. He is basically unintentionally using emotional blackmail to try and get back what he has lost. He is clever enough to see the hurt his comments cause and the more you do for him the more this affirms that he may actually win this fight. I feel him calling your husband names is more aimed at you than your husband. He's punishing you for 'trading him in' and making him spend more time with daddy because you are busy with his little brother. By saying you dead daddy he's actually crying out for mommy. The fact that you allow him to stay up later to spend quality time means nothing less than he's second best.....his brother is still getting attention before him, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately older children are forced to grow up faster than they would like when the new baby comes but it is a fact of life that he's going to just have to accept. I would ignore it as much as possible and walk away when he gets 'silly' as opposed to 'dancing to his music'. Give him lots of cuddles and love when he is receptive and reaffirm that he is special to you. Sometimes let his brother cry two minutes longer if he is in the middle of a story, then sigh and say oh dear we better go and see why your brother is so noisy. By making the odd gesture that his brother is a bit of a 'pain' sometimes might help him to understand that there are things you HAVE to do even if it's not what you WANT to do. Little gestures like this make him know that he is still important. He doesn't understand that babies need attention, he just thinks his brother is more important because you attend to him at the drop of a hat so to speak. Maybe also ask him why he is being so ugly to people and try to understand what is going through his mind. I feel that his eating yoghurt is his way of becoming a 'baby' again so that you will love him the way he's used to. Just be firm with him and talk to him a lot about things even if you don't think he'll understand. Also don't always 'remind' him that he's your big boy and get him to do 'big boy' things to help with his brother.... because right now he really just wants to be your baby and have things the way they were. The short version........ignore the bad behaviour, allow him to eat yoghurt (he'll soon get over that), ask him why he says ugly things and remember to listen to him when he talks and not be too quickly distracted by his brother. Give him loads of hugs and constantly tell him just how much you love him even if he can't say it back right now.

Betty - posted on 01/06/2010

3

0

0

I am a 47 year old mother with children who are now 22, 20 and 19. All three of them have told me that they hated me from the time they could talk until last couple of years. My response was a CALM " I don't care whether you love me or not the answer is STILL ......" Another reply I used was " God didn't put me here to be your friend, He made me your Mother! What I say goes." I have a blessed relationship with all three of them and they know that I love them no matter what. Adulthood does come and with it much understanding! Until then stand firm, be kind, and love them through all their hardtimes.

Betty - posted on 01/06/2010

1,061

7

90

I agree with Sharon. You need to put him in the corner when he says mean things. He needs to also be taught that words hurt people. I don't think young kids fully understand that so it will take constant reminders. By the time he is 5 he will understand how awful it is of him to say mean things.
My daughter is 4 and she has a mouth at times. Now I tell her to talk nice or stay quiet and if she carries on I say, "just stop talking I don't want to hear it" and she just sits quietly pouting until I tell her she can talk again(kinda like her bad mouth is on it's own little time out). I started the 'just stop talking' thing because she is very mouthy in the car while we are unable to put her in a corner.
I hope however you deal with this that it works well for you and you get results.

Stephanie - posted on 01/06/2010

3

12

0

Hi! well first i'd like to ask where is he picking up this language? The best remedy i have found for any bad behavior is to get down in front of him so you two are eye to eye. calmly but firmly explain that disrespectful words will not be tolerated. i usually hold onto them and make sure they look me in the eye while im speaking. yelling doesnt help... hope this helps

Sharon - posted on 01/06/2010

19

3

1

My grandson, who turns 3 on Jan. 17th, started pre-school in September. Since then we have noticed him doing several things that were not acceptable. He was playing that he was shooting a gun, he said "bad words", he made fun of his sister. We had to let him know that these were wrong. We would give him a warning and then the next time he did any of them he had to have a time out. It is so hard to see the tiny one you love so much crying and carrying on that he wants his - mommy, daddy, papa whoever is NOT there right then, but finally he would calm down and sit quietly for the 3 minutes until the time out was over. Then hugs and promises not to do it again. It has been working very well for us. Good luck to you Danielle, 2 kids under 3 must be hard, take time for yourself too.

Maggie - posted on 01/06/2010

818

24

47

sounds like jealousy now that the baby is old enough to do more than just eat, sleep and poop. Just keep giving him positive feedback when he's good and letting him know when he's bad. Tell him that certain words are not nice (when my son says something like that I tell him it's a YUCKY word! He hasn't used any more than a few times) Make time for him during the day even when you don't have time. When the baby is asleep do fun projects with the older child and let him know he gets to do it because he's a big boy. Acknowledge when he does big boy things like going potty or even just running fast - let him know he can do those things because he's big and when he was a little baby all he could do was *insert whatever baby is doing*. Let him help you do things like make dinner or set the table, pick out his own outfits, put on his own shoes and then act like you do when the new baby does something impressive.

It's hard for kids to go from being the center of attention to having to share the spotlight. Be gentle, be patient - he'll come around!

Blackwood - posted on 01/06/2010

0

0

35

Unless the doctor's say otherwise, I think he maybe tested his limits, I would and it may sound harsh, but when he acts up and time outs are not working, take something away and don't give it back, even if he is good again, he will know you mean bussiness and this actions will not be tolerated. I'm not saying his favorite toy, but something that might get his action, but you can't give it back no matter what, cuz then the lesson won't mean anything?

Danielle - posted on 01/06/2010

38

42

4

well he became a big brother 6 months ago and he has not showen any signs of jelousy at all he is completely the oposite..... and when the boys are awake we have the tv either off or on family or treehouse......
im kinda hoping its just a phase cause i dont think my hubby can take him saying that he hates him and that he wants him to die....

Helen - posted on 01/06/2010

125

17

12

i would suggest you ignore the bad behaviour. it may sound harsh but everytime hes acting out or doing something nasty then stop what you are doing and tell him that you will not spend anytime with him while he is acting that way, get him to leave the room or you move away from him. if he comes back again and acts out then tell him you will not play with him while he is acting like that. there is 14 months between my son and daughter and when i had my daughter my son got a bit jelous and started throwing things, i did this with him and it worked. if he wont eat anything but yogurt then take the yogurt away, he will eat what hes given if hes hungry and he wont starve through stubbornness! the only reason hes only eating yogurt is because you allow him it! maybe an afternoon in the park with just you and him will show him that, although you may not be able to spend as much time with him as you would like, you are still willing to spend quality time with him. my son is 2 1/2 and my daughter is 15 months and every sunday my mum looks after my daughter while i take my son to the park and to the shop to buy a pack of sweets or i make cakes with him. kids aren't bothered so much about how much time you spend with them, its the quality of the time. hope this helps!

Kylie - posted on 01/06/2010

227

65

26

To be honest I think its just a phase. My son is too young to be doing this at the moment, but I remember my niece doing the same thing when she was 3, she's much better now. She told my dad (her grandfather) that she hated him, he cried for days!



I think he's probably just testing boundaries and pushing buttons. I'd just be consistent with him, and let him know what he is saying is hurtful and unacceptable.



I think it will pass, but it will probably feel like a long time before it does!

Kelly - posted on 01/06/2010

18

38

0

has he had any major changes to his life latley? new school,change of routine ,new sibling ,anything at all?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms