What is the right thing to say?

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Sneaky - posted on 02/14/2010

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'an angel in the book of life
wrote down your babies birth
and whispered as he closed the book
"too beautiful for this Earth" '

There is a fantastic group here in Aus called the Teddy Love Club. If you Google them, their web page has a section for friends and relatives.

From personal experience I can say that the only thing you can do for her now is to let her know that you are here for her. In the future it will be more important that you remember her special dates and let her know that you remember and still care that she lost a baby and that you are not afraid to talk about it with her if she wants to.

There is also a group on COM called: Motherhood after the death of a child: pregnancy/infant. If you really want to know what NOT to say, there is usually a long discussion there about the dumbest and most hurtful things grieving mums have heard.

Big hugs . . .

Andrea - posted on 02/13/2010

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By saying "It was God's will" or "Maybe it wasn't meant to be" or "Things happen for a reason", you would just be dismissing her feelings. My son died when he was 2 days old and I hated hearing those things! Just be there for her and comfort her...sometimes saying nothing at all rather than saying something she may find hurtful is much more helpful.

Laura Ann Brown - posted on 02/12/2010

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"I'm sorry to hear..." "that must be / have been so difficult..." "it is more common than most people realize," "it can be more difficult to experience than most people would imagine..." "nobody really understands unless it happens to them...." "maybe it just wasn't the right time..." "is there anything I can do?"

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Susan - posted on 02/15/2010

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"I'm so sorry, this must be really hard for you, are you ok?" "I'm here for you"

Jane - posted on 02/15/2010

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it's heartbreaking. we've had two. just give a hug and say that you're sorry to hear the news and if you want, you can offer to listen to how they're feeling.

Stephanie - posted on 02/15/2010

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Sometimes you just have to be there. Sometimes you say, "I don't know what to say, but I am so sorry for what you are going through..." Remember that these women and men are still parents. Remember their baby- remember them on mothers/fathers day.

Don't tell them it will get better with time, or that they can have another one, or that there was something wrong with their baby. Understand when they don't get over it quickly, or if they do "get over it" quickly.

Connie - posted on 02/14/2010

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Tell them sorry for their loss and just be there for them. Your friend will probably be going through alot of emotions. I know i did.

Cynthia - posted on 02/14/2010

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It really depends on them. If you really know the person well you will know what to say. If you are still not sure "I'm sorry for you're loss" is the norm. Speaking as someone who has had a miscarriage, and having a sister who has had 5 miscarriage. She has always called me when she was going through one. All she need was to know that she had a shoulder she could cry on and talk to ( we live in different states). Sometimes that's what someone needs.

Abbie - posted on 02/14/2010

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I have lost serveral pregnancies. All ranging in ages of pregnancy and reasons. I hate it when someone says "im sorry" why are they sorry? they didn't cause it. It happens. Why? Hell we don't know. I personally wish people would not act like it was nothing as someone else stated. I think the best thing to say is " If you need anything, or to talk, please know that I am here." Don't act like you know what its like if you don't. I could tell you more what not to say then what to say. Its hard for everyone, because some want to cry and talk about it, others don't want to go there. Each of us is different.

Brandi - posted on 02/13/2010

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there isn't really anything anyone can say to make someone feel better after a miscarriage. I would recommend stuff like "it wasn't meant to be" "s.th must have been wrong with the baby" "It wasn't the right time" "when it's right it will happen" are all NOT the things to say. When I miscarried, you wouldn't believe how many people had this kind of BS to tell me (I was hurting and I didn't want to hear anything that would "make me feel better" time is all that can help. I would recommend that you NOT bring it up to that person, if she wants to talk about it, she'll bring it up. Otherwise, give her space and let her move on in her own time. IF she does bring it up. tell her You are soo sorry and you wish her best of luck when she's ready to try again and leave it at that. It's very painful when someone comes up to you and says "congratulations, I hear you're expecting" and of course you are not, so you have to say thank you, but not this time. or if someone says I'm sorry to hear about that, I lost one too or whatever. When it has happened to you, you try to just get thru each day until it hurts less. (I remember how devastated I was to have lost my very first pregnancy. I was scared and thought I might never have kids again, but when I got pregnant with my daughter and she was born, I was soooo happy with her and realized that had I not lost the first baby, I wouldn't have my PERFECT little angel.) So give her time and let her come to you. The only things that really helped me to feel ANY better was when I would talk with someone about it (after I had brought it up) and they would say. I understand how you must feel. I lost one too. Or i had a still born or s.th. because I KNEW they really did understand and it gave me some hope that I wasn't broken, and would really be able to have children. Sorry so long.. Hope it helps.

Danielle - posted on 02/13/2010

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Speaking from experience, just about the only safe thing to say is "I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine how it feels" because truthfully, if you haven't experienced, you don't know how it feels. It's like... having a child, the love you feel for your child is unlike anything, almost indescribable, well having a miscariage (no matter how far along you are) is the complete opposite, it's the worst feeling of grief and loss I have ever felt. It hurts, and I felt like I let everyone down. Saying "things happen for a reason" and "it wasn't meant to be" just makes the person feel worse. Give lots of huggs and love.

[deleted account]

I'm sorry (hug). And acknowledge to them that "this sucks" and listen. Bring meals over to the house too if you can so they don't have to think about dinner a day or 2. As a person who has had them- I HATED hearing "It was God's will" as if that person received a direct e-mail from God about it... or "It was meant to be" or I REALLY hated "Things happen for a reason" b/c even if those things are true--- people forget that there is a time and place for everything and that you don't always have to spill out "wisdom" when someone is hurting. A hug speaks louder than words in this case.

Carey - posted on 02/13/2010

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I had a miscarriage and didn't like when people felt like they should walk on eggshells around me. It was very hard, but I found that talking about it and allowing myself to feel the pain of losing a baby helped me to cope with the loss. I am very open about it and think it is important to allow for the greiving process and celebration of the life lost.

Kimberly - posted on 02/13/2010

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As a mom who has lost a child, a lot depends on how far along she was . I lost mine at 6 weeks and it was a little easier to deal with than if I would have been farther along and had been able to feel the child moving. All I really wanted was a hug. The worst thing I heard was that there had to have been a reason and that it was a good thing because the child was probably deformed or its a good thing it happened now. If you are very close to the mom, you don't really have to say a thing, just be there for support.

Kath - posted on 02/13/2010

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Don't say you are sorry, or there had to have been a reason for it, or God was involved in any way. Let your friend know that you are there for them no matter what they need and when they need it, and understand that they will be grieving for the loss of all the hopes and dreams this child had already given them. Grieving means they will be anxious, angry, depressed and they will need support through all of these. Try to find a local support group for them and offer your support as much as possible. My prayers and thoughts are with you both x

Lana - posted on 02/13/2010

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acknowledge they have lost a child. allow them to grieve. I have noticed it seems harder on parents who already have a child. they seem to realize more what they have lost than parents who haven't had a child already.

Ashley - posted on 02/13/2010

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There really isnt much you can say. I know personally my parents telling me its for the best and you arent ready to handle another child so quickly really upset me. What went through my mind is who are they to judge me and my situation on weither or not it is the right time. At the time I was more upset at the fact that I got to 12 weeks and then miscarried. I was able to feel the baby move and then I woke up one day and nothing. I asked my doctor and he said stress. It was my doctor who really got through to me. Although you are blaming yourself for the loss of your child, however focus on your currrent events and you will make it through. My best advice is just sit there with your friend. Ask her if she wants to get a drink or a meal with her. Just spend time with her and ask her if there is anything she needs. Be prepared however for the tears. Its normal. I have miscarried three times in the last six months. So much for my IUD.

Renae - posted on 02/13/2010

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Oh dear, I dont think there is much you can say. Only that you are sorry and that you are there whenever she needs you.

When my close friend's baby died during pregnancy and had to be "cleaned out" (I dont know the correct term) she was devastated. When she saw me she didn't want me to say anything because she thought if I said I was sorry it would just make her cry harder. So we just hugged and sat and said nothing for hours. She told me later that just me sitting there with her helped a lot.

My thoughts are with your poor friend.

[deleted account]

don't try to make them feel better as nothing can make you feel better after the loss of a pregnancy, just tell them you are sorry for their loss and be there as a shoulder to cry on.

Geralyn - posted on 02/12/2010

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Samantha, what a beautiful thought. Rosemary, God bless you. When we suffered through our first, we could not detect a heart beat. I would say that her heart was just too filled with love.... The loss is a tragedy whether it happens at 7 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, 38 weeks....



Just hug her and say "I know how much this baby meant to you." Some day she will be reunited with her little one, and she will know her little one.

Nikki - posted on 02/12/2010

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I miscarried twice and I initially blamed myself. but then I finally realized it wasn't my fault 1 in 3 pregnancies is a miscarriage and there is nothing I could have done to aviod it, it wasn't viable. Tell her you are there for her to talk and let her know that it is not her fault also tell her she will get pregnant again. out of all my mommy friends more then half have miscarried and have gotten pregnant soon after anywhere from a couple months to under a year, so tell her it will happen again and everything will go as planned

ROSEMARY - posted on 02/12/2010

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My daughters have both miscarried and this is very difficult. They each reacted differently. For one, she was sad but didn't really grieve the loss. For the other and for myself, I have felt it's like losing a child. (That has happened in our family as well). Until we went through the loss of a miscarriage I had no idea of the pain and grief I would feel. I would say to choose your words very carefully. I would get angry when someone would say, the child's in a better place or I'm glad she wasn't further along or even, God needed an angel.
I found comfort when someone would simply say I'm so sorry for your loss or when someone would say.. I can't say I know how you feel, but this must be very hard. Sometimes you don't have to say anything. A hug is great. Or just be honest and say, I don't know what to say but I want you to know how sorry I am. People fear "making someone cry" or "I don't want to bring it up". What most don't understand is you're crying anyway, most of the time alone and you don't have to bring it up, we think about it just about every waking moment. It had meant a lot to me when someone realized this and would talk to me and allow me to talk, cry or whatever I needed to do and loved me anyway. A simple word can mean so much because so many people avoid the person or the subject.

Anita - posted on 02/12/2010

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Having had several miscarriages myself I always remember my mum saying to me that it is God's way of saying there was something wrong and He decided to look after your baby instead of putting the burden on you. LOL to you and you friend.

Samantha - posted on 02/12/2010

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Speaking as someone who has dealt with this ..just offer your support. Treat it as if they lost a child, because they have. There is a beautiful poem about miscarried children. It says something along the lines of the child being too beautiful for earth and now an angel in our lods Kingdom.

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