What is your true view of marriage? Why do you believe marriages are failing today?

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Krista - posted on 08/17/2011

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I disagree completely with Linda. Marriage is a social construct which has been around since LONG before the concept of the Christian God.

Why is divorce more prevalent today? I think it's because it's more socially acceptable. This is a double-edged sword. It's a good thing, in that people are no longer "stuck" in horrible, loveless, joyless marriages. But it's a bad thing, because some people might give up on their marriage too easily because of it.

Marriages have been failing since marriages have existed. The only real difference today is that people can now get OUT of a failed marriage, which is not an option that was available to them before.

Jodi - posted on 08/17/2011

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" Everyone has their own opinion but the bible states the facts"



Actually, no, that is just an opinion too.



I agree with those who say marriages have been failing forever. You only have to look at history to see that. The only difference is, divorce was not a socially acceptable option, nor was it even socially practical. Believe me, there were plenty of 50's housewives unhappy in their marriages, but a few pills and a martini is how SHE took care of it. And HE just found himself a floozy on the side.

Krista - posted on 08/17/2011

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Besides, if increased failure of marriages are due to everybody turning their back on the Christian god, then how do you explain that the countries with the lowest divorce rates are mostly non-Christian countries?

1 India -- Hinduism
2 Sri Lanka -- Buddhist
3 Japan -- Shinto and Buddhism
4 Republic of Macedonia -- Macedonian Orthodoxy
5 Bosnia and Herzegovina -- Muslim
6 Turkey - Muslim
7 Armenia - Christian
8 Georgia - Orthodox Christian
9 Italy - Catholicism
10 Azerbaijan - Muslim

Not to mention that Canada's divorce rate is only 37%, to the United States' 54%. And there are certainly no major impediments to divorce up here. And while most people in Canada are Christian, our nation as a whole is very secular in nature.

So um...yeah. I really think that you're barking up the wrong tree when you claim that all marriages would be sunshine and sparkles if only everybody would stick their nose in a Bible.

Jodi - posted on 08/17/2011

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Oh, and just for the record, I am divorced. By the views of some here, I probably should have just stuck around for the abuse? How very selfish of me to end it :\



I will also put it on record, that divorce is not an easy option, it really isn't, especially with children involved. Having to maintain a civil relationship for the rest of your lives for the sake of a child/children is not the easy option. Take it from someone who has had to maintain this for 12 years so far, with many more to go.



Anyone who thinks divorce is the easy option obviously has never been through it, and never been in a bad enough situation to give it consideration.

Charlie - posted on 08/17/2011

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"But there are a lot of people who do get divorced because they can't agree on anything and want it all their own way. "

I think part of the problem there is people just rush into marriage without even getting to know the person properly first ....maybe if they had taken the time to see if they were compatible in every way first they wouldnt have wasted thei time with someone who just wasnt right for them, not in all cases of course sometimes people change .

I think it is more socially acceptable to get divorced I also think people are less willing to put up with being treated like crap or abused just because society says to divorce is bad.

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Jodi - posted on 08/20/2011

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LaToya, just for info, no-one was direspecting anyone's opinions, just disagreeing with them.

Kristin - posted on 08/20/2011

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i totally agree with u unless u have been through an abusive realationship and have kids u cant understand i know ive been through it too i would like to get along with my ex but he dont want to be friends at all he would rather make problems so it hard i have a 11 yr old stuck in the middle i dont say anything bad about her dad but when she down there he always making up lies and telling her she doesnt have to listen to me and so hard when she comes home for her i would like to be able to talk to him and him and i be on the same page and both encourging her instead of making it harder on her we arent hurting eachother she is the one it is affecting and i dont think he realizes it

LaToya - posted on 08/20/2011

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Jodi, you are right hun, I will be more "CLEAR" with my question. Thanks for the pointer. :) But respect is respect. Just because I ask an open ended question doesnt mean disrespect someone else either.

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2011

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Um, LaToya, you posted a question which was going to incite debate purely because you were asking people's opinions. When people have different opinions, those opinions will be debated. Goes without saying. If you didn't want it debated, you shouldn't have asked an open ended question.

LaToya - posted on 08/20/2011

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Helllo Ladies, I want to thank you all for leaving your comments and/or opinions regarding this subject. Yes, it can be very touchy at times but like my husband was telling me. There will be those that do not believe in God and will deny his deity and who will stick by the saying that is okay to divorce as many times as we want. Krista, you have used my quotes in your responses and before I close my discussion I will leave you with this. You may not be a believer or may be confused. I am not sure and I quite frankly am not judging you but what I will say to you is that I am a Child of the Almighty King and yes I am a Christian and I do not love none of these things of the world including divorcing "just because" and denying Christ but I will say this in the Bible which by the way does state FACTS it says Jesus would be denied three times. For example, would it be a coincidence that all of these things that are happening in the world including tornadoes, hurricanes, fires, and etc are actually prophesied in the BIBLE? Then the bible could not be just an opinion then? I just pray that non believers seek God's face before it is too late. I do not agree with you at all because there is no way man can make man. Impossible. Society did not make marriage and a "superhero" did not either. I am not here to defend Christians who divorce but I will say we are striving to become better with our relationship with Christ. This discussion was to be a respectful discussion among women but if you are here to disrespect someone else religion and bash someone else opinion just because you do not believe in God is not accepted here. My postings are here to encourage and uplift those who need it.. As you can see, I am not a fan of negativity and I will not tolerate it here on my posting. As well as the cursing. That is why I did not respond as often because I took the time to read everyone's posting and prayed before I responded to make sure that I was being as clear as I could. I do not judge anyone else religion and as you can see this turned out to be a Debate and my title does not have that word anywhere in it. So ladies, thank you so much for sharing your stories and opinions. I will challenge you to look at the movie "Fireproof" as it is an amazing movie. I am now closing my discussion as some have taken it too far.. Be blessed everyone..

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2011

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In this country, a split up can be just as expensive if you were living with them as marrying them....especially if there are children involved.

Kristin - posted on 08/20/2011

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i believe true view of marriage is that our older people believe that u have to be married to live together people think they have to be married marriages are failing because of more abuse and people not knowing each other like they think they do dont give eachother enough time and there is no common sence and communication any more i have been married and now divoriced my reason is abuse and will never get married again i would live with someone but marriage is not gonna ever happen again marriage costs to much and divorice is even more expensive can be just as happy living with someone as u can being married

Marlene - posted on 08/20/2011

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Because people get married thinking, if it doesn't work we can divorce! WRONG way to start a marriage. Marriage is for keeps. It's a lot of work, and giving up is no option! I've been married for 18 years. Not always easy. Love and RESPECT each other!

Jodi - posted on 08/19/2011

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Exactly Emma, it is really quite annoying when someone says it is the easy way out because it really isn't. Anyone who thinks that has obviously never had to deal with it

Stifler's - posted on 08/19/2011

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I'm not divorced but I really don't see divorce as the easy way out of anything. Divorces are hard for everyone involved especially kids.

Sal - posted on 08/19/2011

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I agree with a lot if what has been said about it is more acceptable but have one more little bit to throw in I think people especially women want a wedding and focus on dresses and venues flowers cakes honeymoons the whole fairy tale but life isn't always happily ever after like a story or romantic movie ....in short They want a wedding not a marriage

Sal - posted on 08/19/2011

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I agree with a lot if what has been said about it is more acceptable but have one more little bit to throw in I think people especially women want a wedding and focus on dresses and venues flowers cakes honeymoons the whole fairy tale but life isn't always happily ever after like a story or romantic movie ....in short They want a wedding not a marriage

Carolee - posted on 08/19/2011

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Marriages are failing today because some people aren't really taking it seriously. They go into it with the feeling of "if it doesn't work, we'll just divorce". It's an option from the beginning now (for some). Another thing is that some people don't really take a long look at who they are marrying, or they marry for the "wrong reasons" (ie - pregnancy, citizenship, tax reasons, etc.), so they have agreed before the marriage that they'll get a divorce later on.

I know that there are PLENTY of people who have gotten married for the "right" reasons that will or have gotten divorced. It's always happened, it always will as long as marriage exists. I just think the "jump up" in divorce is mainly because of situations described in the first paragraph.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/19/2011

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Krista E. you took all the words I was going to use...not much more for me to say...LOL
I agree with you 100%

Lissa - posted on 08/19/2011

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First I have to say I believe in marriage FOR ME but that is not connected to GOD, I also believe in God. I personally don't think God cares if you are married in the church, if you are gay or straight I think he cares that you love,respect and make a commitment to each other.

So if we take it that God made a perfect place in which he put a man and woman where everything was given to them their life was easy you could say that created the first marriage.......we all know how that worked out!



I think Marriages are failing for a number of reasons. Firstly people can leave abusive situations without fear and social stigma (I'm sure God is very happy about that). I also think that some people do marry thinking they can divorce if it's not for them, people can be selfish and not want to work at it (things don't just work themselves out good communication is needed). I also think in days gone by you knew what was expected of you in a marriage, women stayed home,cleaned,had babies, men worked. It isn't like that anymore and too often people do not sit down and talk about what they expect of each other. I also think there is a little of the fairytale expectation going on too, somebody gave us the idea it was all hearts and flowers which of course it isn't.

To me a failed marriage is two people who are absolutely miserable together. I don't think people divorce on a whim, a divorce is often the better option for a couple than staying together unhappily ever after.

Sylvia - posted on 08/19/2011

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If you mean "why are more marriages failing today?" -- I'm not sure that's even really the case. How do you judge a failed marriage? If a couple stays together "for the kids" even though they no longer love or even like each other, is their marriage more successful than that of their neighbours who divorced and are now both happily remarried and amicably co-parenting their kids? Is it really better to "forgive" your spouse's affair(s) because "God hates divorce"? Sorry, I don't see it.

I'm all for compromising and working to overcome differences and making a real effort to make your marriage work. Adult life is not all rainbows and butterflies, and marriage is no exception. You may never find that 100% perfect mate who never pisses you off and never loses his/her temper and never leaves his/her socks on the bedroom floor or squeezes the toothpaste from the middle. In fact, since we're all human, it's highly unlikely. Any happily married person will tell you that some days are great, some days are good, some are not so good. You talk, you argue, you work through it.

But sometimes it's never going to work. Sometimes the "compromises" you'd have to make are not compromises at all, they're defeats. There are some people you could give 100% to and they'll never give you more than 10% back -- and that's not a marriage, that's them using you.

Sometimes your choices are (a) stay in an abusive marriage and raise your kids in a home where their material needs are amply met, but they regularly see your spouse treating you abusively, or (b) leave the marriage and raise your kids in a home where they won't be exposed to abuse, but will have to struggle financially. Neither of those is exactly a *good* choice, but (b) is arguably a lot less bad than (a).

As several other people have pointed out, failed marriages -- spouses who slept with other people, who didn't love or even like each other, who were in love with other people, who established separate households, who dished out or endured physical or psychological abuse, who hated each other's guts, who killed each other or had each other killed -- have been around forever. People have always made stupid choices -- when they even had a choice, which they often didn't. What's different now is that people have more options. Some people exercise those options frivolously, yes. That doesn't mean we should take them away from those who really need them.

Divorce is hard on kids. Living with parents who are married but, respectively, abusive and miserable is no picnic either. I cried when my parents told me they were getting a divorce. I was nine and a half. By the time I was eleven or twelve, I could see that getting unmarried from my father was the best thing my mom could have done for all of us. (Well, actually, moving far away from him would have been better, but my mom had a wonderful relationship with her dad, who died when I was a baby, and she didn't want us to lose the chance to have a good relationship with ours. In those days that still seemed like it would be possible :P.) I wasn't thrilled when she got remarried, either (I was 21), but guess what? Not only is my stepdad a WAY better husband to my mom than my father ever was, he's also been a better dad to me. No marriage is going to be 100% happy 100% of the time. But if you're 100% miserable 100% of the time, well ...

Kendra - posted on 08/19/2011

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Thanks La Toya I love your point of view on marriage I really needed to hear that!

Denikka - posted on 08/19/2011

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The institution of marriage is a legal thing nowadays.It's all about taxes and money. It's paperwork for the government.



Now, the bond between 2 people in a committed relationship is a much different thing. Whether you're legally married or not.

As for the separation issue, I firmly believe that a large portion of it is because people are lazy, and getting lazier. Yes, separation has always been around. And it always will be. I don't believe that it's wrong to leave a negative situation, whether that means an abusive relationship, or a loveless one. But people in general are just too ready to give up at the first sign of real difficulty. And this is throughout all relationships, not just marriage.

People don't want to work at having good, solid relationships. They expect them to just happen. This applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships. Communication takes work on both sides. Thinking about the other person and doing things for them takes work.

Society has become about ease and convenience. And relationships are anything BUT easy and convenient.

People are lazy and selfish. They want what they want, when they want it, and they don't want to work for it.

How many times have you heard about, or read about, or seen those kids who are total spoiled brats. Throwing tantrums to get what they want, and mom/dad just give in. Well, those kids grow up, and what they want matures with them. They go from wanting that barbie or toy car, to the latest technogadget, to a partner who is willing to bend over backwards and do everything for them without earning any of it.

It's the sense of entitlement that children are being raised with.

Rahma - posted on 08/19/2011

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Am firm believer that marriage is made in heaven. Before u get married u have to knw ur making commitments. Patience will hv to play big part through out ur marriage life. Respect has to be there too. Knowing ur role in ur marriage will make ur life easy n happy. We can never be equal but we can love each other equally. We can talk about issues n try to understand each other. We can help one another n b there for each other n always knw God is watching. Yes marriage existed long before the bible, long before Moses n Abraham. From when Adam was created. No modern times will ever justify divorce. It will also happen when u were truly not meant for each other. How do u explain people who marry in las Vegas only to end up divorcing after hours. People shud knw marriage is a serious institution. If u r not sure then don't do it. It's not something u joke around with n think u will get away with it. We'll b accountable for our deeds even if it's the size of a mustard seed. Marriage is an institution n it must b respected but also there things that lead to divorce that we can also avoid. If divorce has to take place then it shud b after trying so hard. Very simple virtues can lead to a happy marriage it's nothing to do with modernity.

Jodi - posted on 08/18/2011

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And I love the word floozy - I think it is so much better than using the term "whore" or "slut", probably mainly because it is a word that I feel better using in front of my children than the alternatives :P And it is a word my grandmother would use, so I figure it must be highly inoffensive.

Jodi - posted on 08/18/2011

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I disagree Karen. My marriage BECAME abusive BECAUSE we stayed married too long. I am not going to go into the whole long story, but there is such a thing as staying too long when you hit *hard times*. Believe me, I know, I was married to my ex for 7 years (and with him for a total of 12), and I have now been married to a very different person and in a very different relationship for almost 8 years. I know the difference between a marriage you have moments where you contemplate leaving, and a marriage where it is the best thing for all parties involved, especially the children. And ultimately, I should have walked away from my previous marriage sooner than I did. Not because it was the "easy way out" (which is all good and fine to say from the outside looking in) but because it was the right decision.

Karen - posted on 08/18/2011

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People expect marriages to be like butterflys and rainbows. Marriage is hard work. There are times that you can just HATE your spouse - not just for a day or two but for months!! I know. I've been married for 12yrs and I wouldn't change a thing. except in the cases of abuse, people leave too easily. There are hard times and good. When people hit those hard times, I totally understand why you would want to leave (I've contemplated it also) but that's the easy way out.

I have read so many posts on 'should I leave him' and it's for silly things like 'he won't help'. Nobody talks and has discussions with the people they're upset with. Not arguements. Honest communication.

Shannintipton - posted on 08/18/2011

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I think a marriage license should be renewed ever seven years. Sort of like a drivers license.

Stifler's - posted on 08/18/2011

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Me too ahahahahaha I think people don't use it because it doesn't sound as offensive as "slut" and "whore"

Krista - posted on 08/18/2011

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Can we just take a moment to mourn the fact that the word "floozy" has fallen from the common vernacular? It was just so delightfully evocative.

That is all.

Firebird - posted on 08/18/2011

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I'm not getting to deep into this conversation, because my opinion of marriage isn't widely agreed with lol so I'll just throw in a little tidbit that I didn't see posted already. Something I'd like to add to other responses (many of which I agree with) is that more women these days have successful careers, or at least jobs with decent pay. They're more confident that they can survive and take care of their kids without a husband's paycheck. I also agree that marriages have always been failing ( King Henry VIII, anyone? And I believe it was Jodi who mentioned pills, martinis and floozies in the 50s), but more people are actually leaving marriages because it's become acceptable practice.

Stifler's - posted on 08/18/2011

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One of my friends is engaged to her partner (father of her kid) and they are always having problems and breaking up and getting back together. She's like "He won't help with wedding plans etc" and then he has an affair or something and she's still into getting married to him. People honestly believe marriage will save their relationship sometimes. All of our friends have told her to hold off on anything wedding related until they work things out but she never listens.

Sara - posted on 08/18/2011

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I've also known a lot of people who went against their gut when they married someone. They knew deep down that it wasn't right, but they did it anyway because of children or the fact that they just wanted to get married or felt like they should. I do think it is more socially acceptable to get out of a marriage, but I also think that if you never had a solid foundation with your partner to begin with, then you're never going to want to stick around to work things out. Things change over the course of so many years together, and if you were never really committed to that person to begin with, then you're going to want out of the relationship when the excitement dies down and reality sets in. People just have unrealistic expectations of marriage, I think, and that has little to do with religious faith and more to do with social constructs and mores.

Johnny - posted on 08/17/2011

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Of my two friends who have been divorced, one is a churchgoing mennonite and the other is a "Molly" mormon. No amount of faith, commitment and prayer can help you

when you are married to an asshole. This agnostic and her agnostic spouse are quite happily married and intend to work hard together to stay that way. I must agree with Krista, marriage is a social construct that existed long before the bible. And that IS a fact.

Rosie - posted on 08/17/2011

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more people are getting divorced because it's more socially acceptable. and yes that has something to do with people being more lax or whatever on" traditional christian values." these "values" that some christians have make no sense to me. so people are just supposed to sit around in misery for years with someone that treats them like shit to be closer to god, and "be a christian"?
if god wants you to be a miserable fool for the rest of your life, so you can claim the title of christian (which, i thought you merely had to believe in god to be one) that's pretty ridiculous. i'm glad society (for the most part) has come around to the notion that some of the things the bible says are archaic and have no place in a modern, thriving society.

Jenny - posted on 08/17/2011

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My agnostic partner and my atheist self have been happily unmarried and very devoted for 12.5 years now. We don't require government, nor religious, approval. Our relationship is defined by our love and commitment alone.

For us, that can only come through experience and the building of the relationship itself. The longer we are together, the more bonded we feel and the deeper our love becomes.

Stifler's - posted on 08/17/2011

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Hell no. I'm glad people get divorced rather than stick around and be abused. But there are a lot of people who do get divorced because they can't agree on anything and want it all their own way.

Krista - posted on 08/17/2011

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I actually totally agree with Linda because God created and ordained marriage! He also created us so Man could not have created marriage. It is not possible.

It is entirely possible. You believe that your deity created man, and hence, all human conventions. But your belief is not necessarily fact.

So I stand by my assertion that marriage is a social construct, arisen out of a biological desire to pair-bond, coupled with a societal need to inject ceremony into this pair-bonding, often as a way to strengthen alliances.

Stifler's - posted on 08/17/2011

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Because people can't compromise. People are selfish and want what they want. It's always been like that it's not a recent concept.

Lady Heather - posted on 08/17/2011

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I agree with Krista. I think marriages failed equally in the past. People just stayed married and weren't happy. That's just as much a failure in my eyes.

My marriage was certainly not ordained by God. ha. If there is a god, I'm sure he has better things to do than bring together two heathens and see them married by a public marriage commissioner in the harbour.

[deleted account]

I loved the movie Fireproof! I bought it for my ex and sent it to him for his birthday w/ the stipulation that if he wasn't going to watch it to please send it back cuz I wanted to keep it. He sent it back.... Old news now that I'm completely over. I'm glad it changed your marriage though. :)

LaToya - posted on 08/17/2011

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Hello Tara, I did not state that marriage is not valid if it is not conducted outside of a church. I believe that revolves more around tradition and/or religion. Although my husband and I were married in a church I have several of friends who were married at the courthouse and are Christians as well. They just did not want to deal with the family drama and stress. Now we are in agreement with the way marriage ends but when a spouse is loveless or unhappy that is when you have to pray the most. Not just give up on them. If you were the one causing the drama and your spouse gave up on you how would you feel? When there is abuse in the marriage, yes it is time to go but I do not agree on leaving a spouse when they are at the lowest point. God says prayer changes things and it changed my marriage with the help of the "Fireproof" movie and the "Love Dare" 40 day challenge

Tara - posted on 08/17/2011

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I must respectfully disagree with the idea that marriage is only ordained by God.

If I felt that were the case then my husband and I, along with a great many other couples who have had civil ceremonies only, would not be considered to be married, and your statements so far have seemed to indicate that you feel that anyone who was not married in a religious ceremony is not truly married.

I feel that a great many marriages end in divorce that do not need to end in divorce, primarily because the couple jumps on the divorce option instead of counseling, therapy and communication with each other.

It takes work to make a marriage work. It isn't all sunshine and roses, you have to deal with each other and with your children and with life stress. I think if more people actively worked at making their marriage work, then the divorce rate would go down,

With that said, I believe that anyone in an abusive, truly loveless or truly unhappy marriage deserves the option of divorce in order to keep themselves and their children happy and safe.

LaToya - posted on 08/17/2011

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I actually totally agree with Linda because God created and ordained marriage! He also created us so Man could not have created marriage. It is not possible. I believe that people are not as knowledgable about marriage like they should be. Everyone has their own opinion but the bible states the facts and marriage was created for man and woman and to be a union that last a lifetime as in forever. However, because society has become so twisted, everyone has started divorcing without trying to make things work, we have begun giving up when the going gets tough and God did not intend for a marriage to end at all. Actually God hates divorce. Have we gotten to a point where we did not care what God thinks but we say Only God can judge me? Hmm, We as people have tendacies with "following our hearts" instead of God and marrying too fast and too soon and then are disappointed when they did not get what they wanted. Sometimes, God places us with someone who will challenge us, dare us work harder and to fight for something worth fighting for. You see, people have a mindframe that divorce is the best solution for a couple when they are going through tough times, or when they are struggling with someone when in all actuality God wants you to work it out and stop giving up when things are getting too much for you. Because God will never put more on you than you can bear. The world did not and could not have created marriage. It did not exist until God created it and us point blank.

Linda - posted on 08/17/2011

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Marriage is ordained by God between a man and a woman. It is designed to be permanent so that children will have a stable home in which to be raised. It is also a picture of God's relationship with his Church.

Marriages are failing today because people are selfish, because marriage has been weakened by the ability to divorce easily, and because people no longer care what God thinks. If each person in the marriage was constantly putting their spouse's needs ahead of their own needs, there would be no divorce.

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