What kept you from losing your virginity? (Want to keep daughter a virgin for as long as possible!)

Julie - posted on 08/09/2010 ( 41 moms have responded )

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I lost my virginity at 17. I probably wouldn't have lost it so soon if I didn't want to do it before I died. SILLY! I probably would have stuck it out longer. I really want to know what I can say or do to keep my daughter a virgin for as long as possible. I'd like to keep her a virgin until she's married but with everything on TV and how the kids are now a days I don't think it'll be that easy. How old were you when you lost your virginity and why did you stay a virgin so long?? Was it because of what your parents taught you? Was it a personal choice? Are you christian and believe to wait until marraige? If so, how do I effectively get her to believe to do that? ANY responses to this will be helpful :) I feel weird asking for this...but I'm a new Mom so I'm trying to think about everything I want to teach her now. (She's 9 months)

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[deleted account]

So many helpful things have already been said, and there are so many more helpful things that may BE said. Bearing in mind that no one of them, and no combination of them, is a GUARANTEE, here are some further thoughts:

Teach your daughter emotional intelligence--the ability to delay gratification in hope of obtaining a greater good. It's what enables us to do our homework instead of procrastinating, to begin saving in our piggy banks instead of spending every penny we get--etc.

Teach your daughter critical thinking, including how NOT to fall for "lines," "spin" and the like. As soon as she's old enough to notice advertising, you can begin by dissecting promotional copy. "Do you think MacDonald's REALLY is Number One in America?"

Teach her a strong sense of fairness and justice--not just "what I want," but "what is right."

Teach her that sex isn't equal to love. After she has learned about the birds and the bees, she needs to learn about apples and pie.

Pie is a good and a nourishing thing. ONE kind of pie, but not the ONLY kind, is apple pie. There are all sorts of other wonderful things that can be used to make pie besides apples.

Apples are good and nourishing things--and there are all kinds of apples. If we feel hungry, apples picked right off the tree, or even picked up from where they've fallen on the ground, will suffice to fill our stomachs. They don't HAVE to be made into a PIE to satisfy our needs. When they ARE made into a pie, however--well, some would say that that's the finest possible way to enjoy apples.

Does it need to be said? The pie in this example stands for love; the apples stand for sex.

Teach her to be idealistic about true love. Teach her that, when you know for sure that you've found it, there's nothing more wonderful than being able to give, as the culmination of that love that has been built and created over time as a special relationship, a gift of utter trust and complete self that has never been given to anyone before.

Debunk the nonsensical "abstinence doesn't work" myth, both for yourself and for her. It's like saying "Automobile safety belts don't work." Both abstinence and the safety belts WORK--provided they're USED.

Hope this helps--and perhaps gives you more ideas of your own!

Incorrigibly,

Sharon

Linda - posted on 08/11/2010

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I did not lose my virginity. I gave it to my husband on our wedding night. We both gave that to each other. God created sex as a beautiful expression of love between a man and a woman. Unfortunately, our culture has perverted something beautiful into something ugly.

Despite what you're told, parents do have an enormous influence on their children. There are no guarantees, but if you teach her how God designed sex and marriage from the very beginning, she will have a good chance of following your advice. Abstinence does work. Everytime. The best part is you don't have to worry about all the sexually transmitted diseases out there now. And also, despite what you're told, condoms do NOT protect against all of them. It was hard to wait, but a clear understanding of God's plan for marriage and sex definitely helped.

Johnny - posted on 08/11/2010

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Honestly? I was flashed by a very hairy man when I was 12. It kept me from wanting to see one of those again for a very long time. I'm not sure I'd recommend having someone flash your kid, but the more kids know about sex, the more parents talk about it, the more they are forced to recognize the consequences, the longer they wait. I also agree with those who said that encouraging a strong sense of self can help. Having other interests rather than boys boys boys can keep girls from getting too interested too soon. So for me, being flashed, having parents that grossed me out with sex ed, and being a total science nerd kept me from losing my virginity until I was 19 and it was with my boyfriend with whom I'd been dating for 2 years. I had already been living on my own in another city for those 2 years.

When ever she loses her virginity, I want it to be a wonderful, pleasurable and positive experience for my daughter. So I don't plan to ever make her feel like sex is a dirty or negative thing. There is no place for guilt in the bedroom.

Jane - posted on 08/11/2010

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I was 18 and my now 20 year old daughter was 17 with her boyfriend of almost 5 years (who she is still with and will probably marry).



This is probably going to get me shot but I don't believe in waiting until marriage. I think you need to test the waters (safely) but I also believe you shouldn't sleep around with every Tom, Dick and Harry either.



For me (I'm 51), sex is a large (not all) part of a marriage and if you are not sexually compatable, then you really don't have a good marriage. I know some people say that if you don't know any different or have nothing to compare to then it will all work out. I don't agree with that. I've known too many women who waited until they were married and after years of marriage had absolutely NO IDEA what an orgasm felt like and were very frustrated with their sex lives.



Anyway, with your daughter being 9 months old, I think you have some time to think about your plan of action. Just do yourself a favor...don't be an abstinence only parent...that is unrealistic and quite frankly, unsafe for so many reasons. Teach "being ready" and when she thinks she is ready, teach her to come to you for advice and to help get her the proper protection Open, honest communication about sex is KEY to all of it!

Jessica - posted on 08/14/2010

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I was 17 also! I had dated him for 8 months before getting into bed with him. And now he is my Husband, and we have been married for 3 years. I knew he was special. I waited because I dated a bunch of losers before him and there was no one I cared about as much as him. Try to teach her the right things. That's waht my Mom did and she also told me that if I felt that I needed to have sex to let her know and I could be put on birth control. However, I was on BC from the time I was 15, due to Endometriosis. (sp?)

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41 Comments

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FoxyMom - posted on 11/02/2012

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Have her watch a baby be born...she will never want to have sex until later in life. I seen that when I was in high school and it scared the crap out of me. I didn't have sex until I was 20.

Kimberlee - posted on 11/01/2012

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I can not relate . don't understand why people become so concerned about a girls first time.. I want to make sure my daughter knows about STD's , pregnancy , protecting herself , the emotional aspects of sex before and after etc etc but when exactly isn't tops of the list.

[deleted account]

I lost my virginity at 18 because I wanted to have sex with my then b/f - there was no pressure from him to do anything.

My mom and dad raised me with great self esteem and self respect - if I did not want sex/ sexual activity I could say no (which I did on many occasions). There was peer pressure but I think because of the self esteem and how open my parents were with sex etc I felt able to make my own choices and ignore the peer pressure.

I agree that teaching abstinence only is the wrong route to go because if your daughter decides to have sex she will feel that she is not able to talk to you about it (and she may need to talk to you) and will feel dirty and it could decrease her self esteem!

Discuss sex and all options BC etc - but also discuss love and that it is different and that boys do lie that they love you - let her make her own choices but also support her and encourage free talk about sex with her (so the discussion goes both ways between you and her).

Diane - posted on 08/13/2010

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keeping your virg. till your married isen't the best idea in my opinion. Why would u want her wedding night to be painful and scarey? no girl can enjoy sex the 1st time..it just dosen't happen that way with girls. 17 is not late but sounds like a good age to me. the only thing you can do for your daughter is to be honest and not too strict (the stricter the more they rebel). the most important thing for her is to be able to tell you when she wants to loose it or if she has. just be open and not jugemental is pretty much all you can do =]

Sandra - posted on 08/13/2010

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WE werwe brought up to respect ourselves and family values which I think is sadly lacking nowadays and not to fold to peer pressure but tell her she'll know whe SHE is ready. I was 18 so was the boy I married / both 1st timers and glad we did and are still together after 44 yrs , 3 children ,2 grandchildren and lots of happy memories.

Lyndsay - posted on 08/12/2010

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I started dating a guy who was 18 when I was 13. I was a virgin at the time and even though we dated for quite awhile, I wanted it to be "special" and "meaningful". My mom always made it seem like it was this magical thing that happened between two people in love, so I wanted everything to be perfect. Well, I guess that was too much to ask of him, because eventually I found out he cheated on me. I was 15 at the time and we had been dating for about a year and a half, so my revenge was to go out and lose my virginity to the first available person. I probably would've stayed a virgin longer if my horn-dog older boyfriend hadn't been such a jerk.

Sarah - posted on 08/12/2010

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I was 18 when I lost my virginity. I vowed to myself when I was younger to wait until marriage, but it just didn't happen. I was raised in a Christian home, went to a Christian high school, attended youth group, etc...but then I met my boyfriend my senior year. We dated for about 10 months before we had sex (we were both virgins.) I honestly felt horribly guilty for doing something that I said I wouldn't do until marriage. :( But, I'm happy to say that we have been together for almost 9 years & married for 3 years. Still, I would love to say that I had waited til marriage, but oh well. :( I think communication is definitely the key. Talk honestly with her about your concerns. Encourage her to join a sports team or get involved with music or art or something. Good luck!

Tiffany - posted on 08/12/2010

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i lost my virginity when i was 18... and wish i would have waited longer but did it when i did just to get it done and over with so to speak.. but none the less my parents had the right idea about talking openly about their dicisions and they life expieriences with sex and stds and so on and so forth and also that sex has a huge responsibility and if i wasnt ready to be a parent and handle what could happen than i wasnt ready to have sex in the first place and my parents never said dont do it but that if i decided to do it and had questions that i come ask them and not a friend so that they knew i was getting the right kind of information and not some other form of it. but in the end i do wish i would have waited till i got married so that i knew it was something more than just sex i have twin boys who our three and i want them to learn to value a woman and appreciate her mind body and soul and to know that their is more in life than just sex and that they should have a stronger connection to the person like chemistry and emotional and mental and not just the sexual aspect of things

Devon - posted on 08/12/2010

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I personally didnt loose mine until I was 21 and eventually married him 2 years later. There were a combination of reasons I waited so long. I didnt think any boy was "good enough" to give the priveledge of taking it, Also I had some self esteem issues and never really had a boyfriend (not because there wasnt interest but because I didnt trust boys). I dont really think you can do anything but make sure that she has the self confidence to know that she doesnt "need" a boyfriend and therefore doesnt have to give it up to get or keep one and raise her with morals and values. I am a Christian and even though that wasnt teh main reason I am grateful that things worked out like they did in my life and I dont feel ashamed of any sexual behavior (or lack thereof) I did in high school.

Dawn - posted on 08/12/2010

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Communication is the key. Be open and make it comfortable for you and your daughter to talk to each other. Always give her that opportunity to tell you what she is thinking and how she is feeling and above all be honest with her. In turn she will do the same for you. Make sure she understands the importance of choices and the consequences that can come from the choices we make. These are the things that I shared with both my children, one son and one daughter. Choices is the greatest concept I was able to help my children understand. And, since you daughter is so young, you can begin now and it will easily become the nature of your relationship with her. Best of luck with everything.

Angie - posted on 08/12/2010

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I am Catholic and believe that sex is an act of love between a husband and a wife. I am blessed to have a husband who believes the same thing. While it was sometimes difficult we both had the same goal. I met him at 18 and married him at 21. When I was younger than 18 and boys pressured me, I just told them that I was too young to make a life altering decision but if he asked my dad and Daddy said it was okay, I'd be okay with it too. Honestly, I always thought that boys that wanted to have sex were too immature for me and I dumped them. If you are Christian you can always speak with her about the 10 commandements; "thou shall not commit adultery" means that you will not have sex with anyone you are not married to. Hopefully, she'll find a boy who won't pressure her - if he loves her, he won't. My 17 year old son wears a t-shirt that says, "Virginity Rocks" on the front. The back says "I love my wife and I haven't even met her yet". I thought that was a cool idea.

Amanda - posted on 08/12/2010

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I lost mine at 18 to my husband when we were dating. I guess I didn't lose it before because I hadn't found someone before him who I loved and felt comfortable being myself with. I don't think there is any way short of locking her up that you can force her to stay a virgin (if my mother had had her way I'd still be a virgin lol) but I think it's best to teach children that they don't have to be like others who may be doing it sooner than you would like her to. My mom always just told us that we should be smart about it and not let ourselves get pressured into it because we might regret it later on.

Charlotte - posted on 08/12/2010

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First and foremost, my faith. I am Catholic and was taught the importance of waiting. I believe in God's design for sex, marriage, and children. That is not to say I was never tempted. I just know the ramifications of premarital sex are many, and didn't need/want extra baggage. I think a girl needs a good foundation from her family, esp her father. She needs to know he cares for her and vaules her for just who she is. I think a lot of girls go looking for that love outside the family if it isn't there. We all want to belong. A strong sense of self and worth should go along way. It is also important to know who you are in God's eyes too!

Bo Lynn - posted on 08/11/2010

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I would tell her she can use her virginity as a motivator to make men fight for her attention. That's what I did. And I was able to wait until I found one who was in love with me as well.

[deleted account]

I was 23. Sex before marriage goes against my beliefs. Sadly, I caved rather quickly w/ my now ex and we weren't married yet. He is still the only man I've ever had sex w/ though and will be unless/until I get married again.

You can raise her knowing YOUR beliefs, but you can't 'force' anyone to believe... even your own children.

Trust me, I know your fear well. I'm already trying to convince my 8 year olds to quit chasing and trying to kiss the boys... All I can do is hope and pray that they take my beliefs to their heart as I did (well, hopefully BETTER than I did). I came to my beliefs pretty much on my own though. Even though I was raised in a Christian home... we never talked about sex.

Amy - posted on 08/11/2010

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I second Linda. I waited until I was married - age 24. My husband waited until marriage. We waited because we are Bible-believing Christians, and God tells us to wait. I think that while it is of the utmost importance that you have a healthy, open relationship with your daughter, the most important relationship you need to foster is that of your daughter's and Christ. That was what kept my husband and me (then boyfriend and girlfriend) from having sex. We made a commitment to each other and to God that we would wait, and because we were growing our relationships with Christ, we were able to keep that commitment. It wasn't easy, and I have a feeling that as our children get older, it will become even more difficult. But to say, "There's nothing you can do" is a cop-out, and a lie. That's the same as saying, "My 3-year-old won't listen to me about not playing in the street, so I'm just going to let her, because she's going to do it anyway." You are the parent, and it takes years of establishing an open relationship, but it also takes years of establishing yourself as the parent, and teaching your daughter to respect your authority. When you tell her not to do something, she needs to learn to obey that, even if she doesn't understand it. It's very promising that you're concerned about this now, and you've got years to build that trust.

One of the best things you can do right now is to pray daily for your daughter's purity. Also pray for the purity of her future boyfriends. Pray that the Lord is preparing someone for her right now, and pray that he is seeking God's will for his life as well.

I wish you luck. I have 2 boys, and I'm praying for their purity as well!

Michelle - posted on 08/11/2010

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I was 17 when I lost mine and it was to my boyfriend of 6 months. We were together for 5 years before going our seperate ways and I have since only slept with one other person (my husband). I was raised by my grandparents and they never really brought up the topic of sex. I was honestly jut scared to do it! Mainly because I didn't want to get pregnant at a young age and because I didn't want to dissapoint my grandparents. I now have a daughter of my own and will encourage her to wait, but also to come to me when she decides the time is right so we can talk about what needs to happen from there (birth contol). You'll do fine!

Nikki - posted on 08/11/2010

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i waited pretty long and lost it at 17 , which around my circle of friends was late, I was waiting for the right guy when he didnt come along I figured why not lose it to my best friend whom I had known most of my life. We both off and married and I have no contact with him and his wife doesnt allow him female friends, we were never really involved after , were better off friends just shared something more.

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I lost mine when I was 15 but it wasn't by choice. After that happened though I still continued to do it and I truly believe a big part of the reason is because I never got "the talk". Obviously there were other reasons involved but I think that had a lot to do with it. What I plan to do with my son is talk to him about sex and sexuality from an early age. You don't have to give all the details, you can make it age appropriate but still educational. They are going to learn it anyways so they might as well learn it from us. I'm not religious so I don't plan on saying anything about that to my son, I just want to give him the facts and leave the lines of communication open so he will HOPEFULLY come to me and ask me questions instead of just going out and doing like I did. Explain to her that it is so much more meaningful when you are married or in love with the person and not to just go and do it with anyone. I know you want to keep her a virgin for as long as possible but I would also suggest really talking about birth control. Just because you talk about it doesn't necessarily mean you're giving permission for her to go do it but if she is going to, she should know how to do it the right way while keeping herself safe. You have lots of time to think about it though, when the time comes I'm sure it will just come to you.

[deleted account]

I was 18 and it was 8 months into dating my hubby. I had low self esteem so I was afraid to show my naked body to anyone. I wouldn't recommend that route. I also didn't want my first time to be with some idiot I would regret later and I didn't want pregnancy or STDs. In truth, STDs really scared the shit out of me! How horrible! My hubby, thankfully, had wanted to wait until marriage. Instead, we both waited until we knew for sure that we wanted to be together forever.

Julia - posted on 08/09/2010

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I was 20 and it was with my now husband of 6 years. I waited because I wanted it to be special and with someone I really cared about and saw a future with. I hope my girls will view it the same way.

Keshia - posted on 08/09/2010

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Im ashamed to say but I was 12 I was hanging out with the wrong people at the wrong places I was going to a local skating rink all parents thought it was a good place for kids to hang out but actually it was the worst all the kids were about 10-15 getting high and smoking outside hooking up in the bathrooms whatever it was horrible my "bf" at the time was 15 i lied and told my parents he was 13 and we were just friends hanging out and stuff a couple months later I told him I wasnt ready for that stuff but he thought different and raped me I didnt tell anyone until a couple years later when I found out another girl was pressing charges against him for rape they couldnt do much since i waited so long to tell but Im so afraid to have a girl I dont want her to go through anything I did also I never seen my biological father he doesnt want anything to do with me never did and even my step dad he was a great dad but was a truck driver and always gone so I think I always felt like I needed male attention and I had older brothers and sister I was the youngest so they were always talking about sex and stuff with their friends so Im sure that didnt help either also I dont think public school is the best either If I can I want my kids to go to a private school so schools dont allow kids to be exposed to stuff like that

Amy - posted on 08/09/2010

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I was 17, I started riding horses when I was 11 so my life was spent at the barn with my horse and my friends. I didn't have any desire to be around boys or to date because they didn't understand that my life involved riding and showing.

Alison - posted on 08/09/2010

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I think it is part of the "character" training. I try to help my girls to learn that they do not need to have everything that other children have. And that what some parents think is ok, is not ok for us. I knew that I was in the minority, but I acted on my own convictions and found a man who shared those convictions.

Louise - posted on 08/09/2010

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I was 16 and I had been with my boyfriend for 8 months before getting into bed with him. I knew then that this was a long term thing and I was right as we have been together for 25 years and married 20. My mum taught me respect and the girls at school were treated very badly if they went from boyfriend to boyfriend. I suppose basic family values and the fact that I wanted to do things in my own time. I went to the family planning clinic on my own to make sure there were no accidents. All you can teach your daughter is to value herself and not to listen to peer pressure. You have a long time to think about this as she is only 9 months. If you teach her that love is between two people and should be cherished she will understand and make her own choices. Believe me the last person she will wont to talk about sex with is you and her dad!

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i lost mine at 17. dont harp on her about it... but be supportive and teach her to respect herself and her body and continue to build up her self esteem... she needs to learn that she is wonderful/special/unique/beautiful and worth waiting for... =)

Tania - posted on 08/09/2010

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I lost mine at 17 too....I was one of the late bloomers.
I really don't think you can do much to prevent it from happening but you can prepare your daughter for it.
Teach her to be responsible for her own body. Teach her to respect herself. If she does have sex it is by her rules and when she says its ok and when she is ready.
Make her confident enough to say no and not feel pressure.
As her mother that to me is the smartest thing you can do.

[deleted account]

I was 25 when I lost mine but my reasoning was very simple. I didn't find anyone I really cared enough for to give it up and chance loosing my whole future I had planned out for myself.

Anouk - posted on 08/09/2010

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I was 21.
One of the things I really didn't want was to be a teen and pregnant. I had seen several teen-pregnancies and the thought of having to look after a baby horrified me! Better safe then sorry eventhough I did use the pill from the age of 16.
One of the reasons I never felt pushed into having sex early was something my mom told me. She said that while "easy" girls may be attractive to teenage boys, once the boys reach the age when they want a serious relationship, they will not want a girl who has slept around a lot. Less is best!

Julie - posted on 08/09/2010

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I waited till my wedding night...and I was 26 the first time...and waited till marriage the second time as well..you are going to think I am crazy but it was a combination things but one of them was when I was in seventh grade thaere was a show on tv called One Day at a Time with Valleri Bertenelli on and one of the episodes was about her getting married and how special it was to wait....and for some reason it touched something in me... wierd huh. another thing was my parents were very open about sexual talk...if there was a movie where someone doubted the paternity of the baby my mom would say"they wouldn't have that problem if they only shared themselves with one one person" etc... and then when my dad gave me "the talk" he had a cut out heart of paper and as we talked he had me tear little pieces off of it at the end he said " if you are not careful when you meet the person you want to spend forever with all you have left to give them is that." and I looked in my hand and all I had was a little speck of a paper.
I did not come from a religious home. My father is Jewish my Mother was Catholic they were married 45 years till her death last year

Rebecca - posted on 08/09/2010

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You can encourage your Daughters sense of self... If she feels confident in herself, peer pressure will be something she can process better, there are no promises though. Self esteem has a lot to do with why teens make the choices (that tend to be poorer) they do. To have someone tell you they "LOVE" you is the end all be all for a teenage girl, because they are raised to believe that. Weddings, getting married is the only way to love... this just isn't true...
If she has strong self love and strong family support and caring (it doesn't matter if it's from mom and dad or from a single parent) it can help combat that pressure. Hope that makes sense.

Kara - posted on 08/09/2010

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I was 19 yrs old and we were each others firsts.
My parents raised me with Christian values, but also didn't shove things down our throats. They wanted me to wait until I was 16 yrs old to date, which I was fine with. They prefered group dating and openly talked with me about the stresses of relationships and to not worry about them when I was so young. They wanted me to enjoy my girlfriends, school and extracurricular activities. With that being said, I obviously had crushes and ooohed and ahhhed over boys, but I didn't experience the pressure to have a boyfriend.
I strongly believe communication and proper education is the key thing. I want my son to feel comfortable about approaching me or my husband about things. We're going to teach him when he's young too. I think some parents are nervous/shy to speak to their kids about sex, body parts, etc. We want our son to know we will always be there for him. I also think its great that you're thinking about this now. It certainly is a different day & age since I was young...times are changing. Good luck!

Krystal - posted on 08/09/2010

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i lost my virginity at 17 to i was relly late everyone els was haveing sex but me and thay all start'd at like 14 15 and i am prawd i wait'd i resson i wait'd is i allways told myself i was ganna lose it to someone i love ad that wnt'd to spent the rest off my life with and naw we have 2 sons and trying for awer 3rd and we have been 2gether for 7 years and anather rossen i wait'd is coz my mum had her 1st baby at 15 and thay both nenly died thow the labber and it sked me not to have sex and get preg at that age

Candice - posted on 08/09/2010

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I hate to tell you, but 17 is pretty late to lose virginity in this day and age. If you can hold it off that long, you'll be doing well! (some kids are losing theirs as early as 12 and 13 now. Scary, i know!). I personally think there isn't much you can do to combat whatever social pressures your child may encounter...but you can try! i am a firm believer in honesty...tell them why you regret your decision not to wait. Share your beliefs with them...but be careful...if you attempt to IMPOSE your beliefs, they may not feel safe coming to you if they make a decision that goes against them. So be sure to arm them with all the facts on both sides (consequences of unprotected sex...as well as how to protect themselves) so they know that whatever decision they make they can still talk to you about it.

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