What kind of Mom leaves their child?

Suzanne - posted on 02/05/2013

I moved to another town when my children were 9 and 12 to find my life and my soul. My husband had verbally abused me, controlled the finances, and dictated how me and my kids spent our time for 18 years of my life. Enough is enough. I had to get away from him to keep my dignity and my sanity. He refused counseling, compromise, and the marriage became hopeless. Yeah, before you judge, you have to understand EVERYTHING going on in the family structure.

Sheena - posted on 02/05/2013

This is a Good question. I have three children of my own. I can't imagine my life without them. I also do DayCare, I love children!! I feel Not everybody is suppose to be parents. I would suggest you do whaever you could to love the little boy and teach him all the neessary values in life. He would appreciate you later. Don't worry about his Mom. Keep her in his thoughts and prayers. All the Best!!

Kasey - posted on 02/05/2013

My husband has raised his two boys since they were 1 and 6. They are now 11 and 16, we've been together for 7 years. Their mother decided drugs,alcohol and men were more important. My baby just turned 1 and it pains me to be away from him, even for a few hours! I like you will never understand. This is not due to mental health, just pure selfishness. And because she's a woman they don't force her to pay child support so it's up to him and I to provide. The way I look at it is that she is missing out big time! They are growing into amazing, thoughtful young men!

Lynda - posted on 02/05/2013

when i was young kid, i can remember a few mothers just walking out on their family, it was good gossip fodder. Now that i'm a mum myself i can understand it, if you are in a dark place and feel like you might harm your children, then leaving them can sometimes be the only choice you have.

Dolores M - posted on 02/05/2013

DO NOT JUDGE.

Melissa - posted on 02/05/2013

My mom left myself and my 3 siblings with my dad when I was 11 the oldest and my brother the youngest was 2. I still cant understand how a mother could do that especially now that I am a mother I could never do that!! She left to be in the military with her boyfriend now husband. I am now 23 and still have nothing to do with her.

Alisha - posted on 02/05/2013

The same way any father abandons their child. It's a different thing of course but similar concept. One of which those who love our children and are with them daily will never understand.

Chris - posted on 02/05/2013

words fail me... i can't answer your question Jesica but i believe God has a plan and He knows Kaleb is better growing up with another mom who loves him. You are very blessed Jesica. Consider this a calling for you and your fiancée. Make the best of this gift of family. I'm happy for you :)

Robin - posted on 02/05/2013

Jessica, this boy's mom may just be irresponsible and not want the hassle of a child. However, she may deeply love her son and realize that he is better off with his dad and in your care. Giving up a child for adoption or giving full custody to the other parent is one of the hardest decisions a woman can ever make. I don't know your situation, but I would be honored if I was asked to parent another woman's child. Hang in there.

Claire - posted on 02/05/2013

Jesica,

I haven't perused posts except for Elsa, below mine, but I'm certain other mums have said it, too.
Until you have walked in that woman's shoes, you cannot judge, even though the boy seems to be really well behaved.

As a former Social Worker with emphasis in psychology, I saw many abandoned children.
9/10 times, the parent has an underlying mental health issue and the job of rearing another person just became too overwhelming.
Even if this lady seems 'with it' and able to hold down a job.
Once the daily stresses are forgotten, she may even try for access, so be ready for it. Let her know that while you wont stand for her cutting him off like that again, you're there to support her mum-child relationship. That way you can maybe avoid court orders and all the crap that goes with it!

Aye, Elsa's right. Thank your lucky stars your new little man is yours to care for!

Elsa - posted on 02/05/2013

It's best not to be so quick to judge as you don't know both sides of the "history".
Thank the Lord for giving you the chance to love and protect the three years old child

Michelle - posted on 02/05/2013

I know what you are going through. My 13 year old step-son's mom left him when he was 2 and I have been raising him ever since. She doesn't even look or call and she lives in the same city! I know she works and lives a great life however being a parent was not for her. She works, has her own home, and is paying child support but just doesn't want anything to do with her child. I know it sounds crazy but some people are not cut out to be a parent. It could be a mental problem or she could be on drugs. (I don't know) but her loss is your gain. Congrats are being blessed!

Christine - posted on 02/05/2013

I am in shock and there are no words going either way coming from me. I guess enjoy and I hope this little guy doesn't get hurt later down the road just because she decides to come back into his life again. A child is no toy that you can just put in a closet for a few days/weeks/month and bring it back out whenever you please. All the best on your journey Jesica.

Angie - posted on 02/05/2013

I'll never know but my mum did the same. She abandoned me with a neighbour when I was 3 and told my dad (who was abusive) to collect me because she 'couldn't do it anymore'.
I have 5 children and I could never ever leave them, even though their dad is a fabulous dad.
I think he's a lucky boy to have you and your partner. :)

Ellen - posted on 02/05/2013

I am sure it seems incredible to you and anyone else who loves a child. He's lucky you are now in his life, but missing his mom will be a powerful emotion if she doesn't reconnect. My Dad took off when I was four, and although I found him when I was 28, it's not a close relationship. I missed him all my life.

As others have said, however, you really cannot judge what that poor woman is going through. She's probably in horrible pain and guilt about her decision. I've known other women who have abandoned their children and the reasons are varied.

If you become a biological mother one day, I'm sure you'll see two things: 1) the love for your own child is extraordinary, off the planet, amazing. For everyone who gives birth. and 2) raising a kid is a huge, 24/7, enormous, unfathomable amount of work, esp as a single parent, and there is no refund policy on kids!

This woman may be feeling like she's incapable of being a good enough mother to her son, so despite her own pain, she has done what she thinks is best for him.

Melissa - posted on 02/05/2013

I was a judgemental. Sorry. Maybe she isnt a selfish heffa, maybe she is mentally ill. Being a mom is hard work, maybe she cant do it.

Melissa - posted on 02/05/2013

What kind of Mom? The sorry kind. Just make sure you guys get everything in place legally so she cant come back and take him when she changes her mind. document document document. And if i were you, I wouldnt close the door to her (so she cant tell Kaleb later you guys shur her out) and I wouldnt ask her for a PENNY!!! Let her sorry behind go. sounds like she did her son a favor.

Me? I cant go a day without seeing my baby loves face. NOO WAY. If she spends the night with her grand parents I cant sleep and I am up first thing in the morning trying to get to her.

Rene - posted on 02/05/2013

She may be sick. While it is hard to understand maybe there is a lot more going on then anyone else sees. I doubt she is going to call him and tell him all her issues. Try to see things from maybe a different point of view.

Linda - posted on 02/05/2013

Some people get incredibly stressed out at when a child is that age. As I can safely say, I would never do that personally, and cannot understand how you can live to be separated from your own blood like that, I can relate to wanting the life I had before. The life I have now however, I love more than anything and my son is my life.

You never know what she is really thinking. I remember when my son was... Just four and I wanted to walk away, because I was so stressed and felt like I was losing my mind.

Rena - posted on 02/05/2013

Jesica, I understand that you don't get how someone could do this... I feel the same way, but, that said, perhaps this is the greatest gift this mom can give her son at this time. I personally can't imagine loosing contact with my daughter, but not everyone has the maternal bond that many of us do. My one suggestion would be to do your utmost to not disparage the mom in front of her son, because she is half of him. If you disparage her you disparage the child, and I know you wouldn't want to do that. Also realize that at some point Mom may want back into Kaleb's life and unless she is truly a danger to him, she has that right. I had a similar situation in my life many years ago, and I have always believed that I was in my ex's life for two reasons...one so that I could have my amazing daughter, and two, so that I could be a stable force in my step children's life when their mom was going through a very difficult time. Hug that little boy, he deserves as many people who love him in his life as possible. Good luck!

Alex - posted on 02/05/2013

Don't judge her! You have no idea what she is going through and sometimes when parents need a break or walk away it's because they are dealing with something internally or something larger than normal people can recognize! It sound like to me, she is just trying to make the right decision that is in the child's best interest! Sometimes for people to get back on their feet and deal with whatever is on their plate they have to just walk away for a while so they can focus. It doesn't mean its an easy decision! It may be the hardest things she's ever done and you are judging her for it. Would you rather her deal with some problem and involve the child? You should be supportive of his mother regardless of her faults and problems. Rather she is ever a good mother or a bad mother, she's his mother. It's not your situation to understand, it's your situation to be supportive and non-judgemental! That child needs people that love him and can provide both financially and emotionally. He is going to miss his mother and both you and your boyfriend should remember she is half of him so remain positive about her.

Kimberly - posted on 02/05/2013

I would much rather she give him up to a loving household that includes his dad than do like my mom and just disappear leaving my aunts to pick up the pieces.

Diana Wiegand - posted on 02/05/2013

I had written an answer to this question but lost all the information during a power outage. When I logged back to re-do, I read other's reviews. You know what, the overwhelming support I found from other members says it all. I would find it redundate to post my story. All I can say is before you load your bucket with rocks, think very hard and very long before you start throwing.

Candra - posted on 02/05/2013

What kind of person are you to judge her? You don't know whats going on. Besides, sounds like you guys are better off with the kid- theres two of you verses her by herself. Pray for her, dont be so quick to judge her

Mariah - posted on 02/05/2013

1) Count your blessings. If she fades out of the picture you won't have to fight with her about the little guy.

2) You're about to find out what it means to be a parent day in and day out with never a break. A couple weekends a month is nothin'. You'll understand her position a little better when all you want is a shower and warm meal, but can't because there's a kiddo that needs you.

3) Just my little heads up; he's *3* years old. It's a HARD age, waaaay worse than 2 years old can ever hope to be. Once he settles in he'll start acting like a 3 year old and push you to the edge. Just remember how judgemental you were towards his mom at those times.

4) Love him with every fiber of your being. Establish a good relationship with his dad that won't fall apart a few years down the road and traumatize him more.

5) Respect the mother that birthed him and provided you with the opportunity to be blessed by him.

6) Don't spend valuable time trying to figure out the impossible. She's gotta be in a bad place to be able to leave him with you guys. It's not important why or what kind of person she is. It matters what kind of mother figure YOU can be for him. A holier than thou attitude will end up biting you in the butt.

Good Luck!! Go give him some hugs.

Melodie - posted on 02/05/2013

I dont understand either. When a parent deserts a child, I have always said that some people love their kids so much that they let someone else who can take better care of them keep them,

Get all the legal pape work done. You don't want her changing her mind and the child to be bounced around,

As far as why? I think they have something wrong mentally or emotionally,

Jana - posted on 02/05/2013

Be careful to enjoy and love that little boy and not put down mom in front of him. My piece of advice for the day.

April - posted on 02/05/2013

My oldest D, now 33, has Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissist Personality Disorder. Over the years she would routinely dump her children (Long story about our relationship because they pretty much rage and hate anyone close to them so I never saw them and certainly wouldn't be asked to watch them) on her now Ex-husband to run off with a current BF. Sometimes for years. I never understood it either. It is a very cold selfish attitude BUT maybe best for the child in a backhanded sort of way. You can only imagine what it's like when they become an 'inconvenience' to someone who is supposed to care for them and love them. Some people are just not cut out for being parents. My sister is one of them. Never chose to have children and it was a good thing. A lot of society pressure seems to force some people's hand as far as life choices that they really shouldn't make. Like having kids.
I think it's wonderful that you love this child. Pretty much that's all that he really needs is a loving parental person in his life.

DONNA MARIE - posted on 02/05/2013

YOU ARE AWFULLY YOUNG HUH?

Ruth - posted on 02/05/2013

Maybe the kind that knows her limits? Who are we to judge. We witness women giving up their children for adoption to total strangers without judging these acts. At least this child has his dad. Maybe the mom has determined that since the dad has a seemingly permanent and loving relationship the child would be best in that environment. So just stop judging and accept that this situation is probably the healthiest for the child. And move on.

Mary - posted on 02/05/2013

I posted previously. I need to say something about how difficult it is to have to send a child elsewhere for totally valid reasons.

My son was diagnosed with cancer, necessitating chemotherapy. Since we all pretty much know what happens (side effects), a joint decision was made by my son and daughter-in-law to have my very young grandson come back to live with me and his grandfather (an 8-hour drive away). My little guy was only 2.5 years old. After six weeks at our house, he and I took off to visit his parents for ten days (between bouts of chemo, when my son was most likely to be fairly "normal"). The separation had been miserable for them both, even though they had something much bigger to deal with. When my son was scheduled for his next chemo, the grandson and I returned to my home. About six weeks later, my son and daughter-in-law moved to our area, where he could receive outstanding treatment and they could be closer to their son. Their accommodations (rent-free use of spare bedroom of a close friend) precluded their taking their son with them, but they spent lots of time at our house over the next two and a half months. My son had to go to another city for the highest level of cancer care; this new hospital was only three hours away. They were in that city for two months before my son died; his doctor had "furloughed" him to spend his birthday with his family, three weeks before his death. Again, his son had the opportunity to see his daddy, and his mommy had lots of "face time" with her son. All the time that they were separated, we had phone visits and skype visits.

My daughter-in-law has had very little time away from her son since my son died. Understandably so. I am afraid she will be reluctant for him to go away for three days with us, his grandparents, because she really doesn't want to be away from him.

As I said in my first post, we don't know what's going on with other people. We can't judge why they do certain things. Some people may have been critical of my son and d-i-l for their decision; it was the only option we could see at the time. My little guy was cared for by people who love him dearly. He was spared seeing his daddy deteriorate over time (my son's wishes). He will have photographic evidence of this time in his life (I took pictures and videos constantly so his parents could see him doing all the wonderful things little guys do). And I have a warm feeling in my heart, knowing that my son lives on in this perfectly wonderful little boy.

Wendy - posted on 02/05/2013

Your son sounds like a terrific child. I'm sure her decision is hard for him as well. I have to agree, there are many reasons, not always with her being evil. Maybe she is fighting cancer, has a mental illness etc. She feels the best place for him is with you and his father, and she is allowing that to happen. You are very lucky that she isn't out there saying how terrible you both are, she just gave in to a battle within herself that she can't win right now. I know it takes a lot to be a step parent, I have watched my husband struggle with being an equal father to my children and his one and only flesh and blood child together. You will see when he is older, that you did the right thing and maybe, as things come to light from her side, see that she did what was best for him as well. God bless you all ;)

Kimberly - posted on 02/05/2013

some women dont have it in them to be a mom....just a mother...so all i can say is, at least she gave her son to his dad...not a stranger...i would think your fiancee would have to determine whether he feels you are fit to be his sons step=mom...and obviously you are...it was better for the little boy to have been given to his dad, because who knows what would have happened to him if the mother kept him...think of it that way...she did the lil boy a favor, because she knew she wasnt a good parent...you two ought to thank her

Holly - posted on 02/05/2013

Some women just suck at being a mom. At least he has you!! Make her pay child support tho! Just because she doesn't want to see her kid doesn't mean she gets to not help to financially support him.

Laura - posted on 02/05/2013

My step daughter's mother abandon her when she was a year and a half old. I never understood how she could leave that beautiful girl behind and not think twice about it. She is not 16 years old and has had no contact with her mother. We have never spoke ill of the mother and always just told her that she was not able to take care of her so she was brave enough to make sure that she was where she could be taken care of. Jesica, you are a wonderful person for stepping in with this child. Always be greatfull that the mother was brave enough to give her (your's now) son a home where he would be loved and cherished.

Laura - posted on 02/05/2013

omg!! this just made me so mad, well god bless u girlfriend u have a big heart for taking care of that baby we need more ppl like us and less ignorent stupid ppl, what does ur hubby thing abt all this? he should take that child away from her, if that baby loves u thats good and i really like how u just take care of the baby good luck and that lady has something wrong with her i would never give my bbys away i just cant thing abt it ugh! im so mad but anyways ppl thing different and we cant do anything abt it, u take care and god bless ur famili.

Diane - posted on 02/05/2013

Perhaps she is not emotionally in a good place right now. Perhaps she is getting counseling, perhaps not. I know what it's like to be that depressed, and not let anyone know. She could be that kind of mom. Emotionally overwhelmed, and feeling like she isn't a good mother, like she can't give him what he needs. I would look for signs of support, rather than criticism in this case. It sounds way more serious than you might know, and abandon is a harsh word for someone who may very well be trying to just stay alive. Remember, signs of these things aren't necessarily seen. She may appear to be having a whale of a good time, but inside she may be dying. I know. I was that woman, decades ago, but I hung on to the kids, and they suffered for it.

Nicole - posted on 02/05/2013

All I can say is kaleb is blessed to have you. I can tell you love him as your own and trust me, he will come to love you.

Melynda - posted on 02/05/2013

I wish i knew. I too am a full time mother of a child i did not give birth to. He has been mine since he was nine months old. A baby! She didn't even witness his first steps, but I did. She was diagnosed with some mental issues and was acting very irrational, it became worrisome to his bio father and had to place bio mom into a mental hospital. My son is now six years old and ooccasionally gets a phone call from bio mom but Thats it. I hope he never feels abandond im doing my best to never let that happen. Some women are just not cut out for mommy hood i guess. Just keep loving ur lil guy. He needs you.

Stacey - posted on 02/05/2013

A previous poster said you have no idea how hard being a single mother is, but I certainly do. I have been raising two children completely alone since my kids' father decided his kids were getting in the way of his new relationship 6 years ago. I have dealt with a LOT of bottom of the barrel moments in my life. Then in 2010 I was in a bad car accident and I injured my back in the accident. I had surgery in 2011 and again this past November. Even through the time I couldn't do much more than lay in bed I still never even thought about handing my kids over to anyone. I did have my sister take my son for a few weeks after my first surgery and talked to him almost every day. After the three weeks we then went and stayed with my father for a bit so I could get help with their needs and we wouldn't have to be apart. In June I was laid off of my full time job, found out I needed a second back surgery, and was told I needed to move my mobile home so I was basically evicted and given until nov to move it. I had to sell our home. Because of finances we moved in with my father and even now with no income and recuperating from back surgery I still wouldn't think to hand them over. Obviously I am lucky to have a father to help and when I return to work he will babysit them and if I didn't have him to help me then I would do whatever I had to to keep my family unit together. I knew a woman who did make the decision to allow her daughters to live with their father and his wife because they were both special needs and one in a wheel chair. It takes two people to care for them and she knew she wasn't in te position to do so. But she called them all the time and flew out to see them as much as she could and eventually saved enough to move to the state where they had moved to. (The father moved because of he was offered a position) so I do get there are circumstances that it is necessary to do things like have your kids live with someone else but there is no excuse for not still spending time with the kids or even bothering to call them. So in a situation where you dump your kid and don't bother with them is a selfish act. Realizing your kids will get the care they need and handing over physical custody for the children's best interest is not a selfish act.

Linda - posted on 02/05/2013

You just take great care of the little guy and feel blessed each and every moment that you get to share with him. Love him to pieces protect him to no end treat him as you have been but just try not to spoil him to much :) let him constantly know how much he is loved you you, his daddy and his mommy even though she is not around. He is yours for the time being and it can change and wreck havic in a heart beat if she desides to yank him away. As he grow older look out for the game of if you do not let me she will so I want to go with her if she is still involved in anything. Feel blessed you were just given a gift that you seem to be honer with... Have a happy loving life......... Linda :)

Christal - posted on 02/05/2013

All I can say is do not judge her choice. Maybe something is going on thay led to thay decision.

Kristy - posted on 02/05/2013

I have a 14 year old step daughter who's mother gave her to my husband and I when she was 7, since then has taken her and given her back multiple times. I do not try to understand why her mother made this choice as she has 2 other children that remain with her, you need to be strong for that little guy and love him like there is no tomorrow because if you can't understand think where he is at being given away and not knowing why. Do not hate on the mother to the child or he will remember this always. Just answer questions the best you can as they come over time and be support of of the whole situation. One more thing always keep treating him likes he's your own!

Stacey - posted on 02/05/2013

That is extremely sad and kudos to you for being the kind of person you are to step up to the plate and become mommy for this child!! It's something that as a mother I cannot comprehend. My sister dumped her son on my family and my parents raised him. It wasn't easy on us, but we managed. She had two more kids later and is a good mother to them and it blows my mind how she can be that way to the one child and then be a normal mother so to speak to her other kids. It sounds like your fiancée's son now has two parents that love him and take care of him now so in that right he is a lucky kid :)

Stacey - posted on 02/05/2013

That is extremely sad and kudos to you for being the kind of person you are to step up to the plate and become mommy for this child!! It's something that as a mother I cannot comprehend. My sister dumped her son on my family and my parents raised him. It wasn't easy on us, but we managed. She had two more kids later and is a good mother to them and it blows my mind how she can be that way to the one child and then be a normal mother so to speak to her other kids. It sounds like your fiancée's son now has two parents that love him and take care of him now so in that right he is a lucky kid :)

Stacey - posted on 02/05/2013

That is extremely sad and kudos to you for being the kind of person you are to step up to the plate and become mommy for this child!! It's something that as a mother I cannot comprehend. My sister dumped her son on my family and my parents raised him. It wasn't easy on us, but we managed. She had two more kids later and is a good mother to them and it blows my mind how she can be that way to the one child and then be a normal mother so to speak to her other kids. It sounds like your fiancée's son now has two parents that love him and take care of him now so in that right he is a lucky kid :)

Dee Dee - posted on 02/05/2013

Congra Jessica
You get a lovely boy as your son. I read everybody's comment. evrybody is right. It could be any number reason to cause her decision. she may be calm, painful or ignarant. who knows? does it really matter to your family? the most important part is that you got Kaleb with you now. And, you loves him. welcome to the struggle of the motherhood.

Janine - posted on 02/05/2013

Some women are so selfish and if they believe their kids are well taken care of, they'll give them away temporarily/permanently -- he is probably hampering her ability (in her mind) to get a man, relationship, whatever. It almost sounds like what men sometimes do . . . as long as they are in a relationship with the mother, they are interested in their kid but when that goes south and he gets another woman, he doesn't take care of the kid!

We naturally have a tendency to nuture and protect our young; but . . . just like in wildlife, sometimes they abandon their young for whatever reason!

Cile - posted on 02/05/2013

This will sound strange, but the kind of mother that gives her child over is the kind that loves them enough to want what is in his best interest. I have a new found respect for women who choose not to hold onto their children strictly as property or pawns to hold over the ex's head & in turn end up damaging the child permanantly. She must love her child deeply because this is not a selfish move, no matter what it may look like. Imagine all of the judgement that she will endure while her child is being loved by you & your husband. Also, this is a huge compliment to you. She honestly believes that you are capable of caring for this precious child while she may be sorting her life out.

Brenda - posted on 02/05/2013

He is well mannered? well spoken? She must have done something right with her motherly love.

Maybe it is a phase of personal growth she needs. Men get them as we mothers take care of every need. Raising a child alone is harder then you can imagine. As hard as you believe it is, you end up wishing it were that easy.

There are 2 of you to cater to his needs. And you both find me time. Single mothers do not have that luxury. You have no idea how hard it may have been for her. Not calling does not mean she does not love, miss or hurt deeply. Pain and hurt from the loss is easier to bare if not in your face.

I myself have not given up my children. However a very close friend did, it was the hardest thing she had ever done, at the time it was the best thing for the child. She felt she could not at the time give him everything he needed. She took a few months and when she was in a better position she brought him back home. They have never been apart since.

Not all mothers who Truely love and give a child over are not monsters. Some of them are to be commended for doing what is in the child's best interest instead of their own control freak need. Or insecurity to use the child as a weapon. I hope this helps you...