What's with all the judging?

Amber - posted on 06/16/2009 ( 187 moms have responded )

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Since I have been a member of this site the thing I have noticed most often is how judgemental all the mother's are of each other. It seems like everyone is trying to impose their beliefs on others, sometimes rightfully so but perhaps not in such a nasty manner. How does that really benefit any of us? Truthfully none of us is perfect, and motherhood while being wonderful is also challenging. I don't think any of us, if we were being perfectly honest could say we haven't had days when our amazing children have driven us dangerously close to our breaking point. We're managing children, marriages and careers, it's stressful stuff, mistakes will be made by all of us. Instead of insulting one another in a game of who is the better mother, we should be supporting each other, through the happy moments and the stressful ones. We're raising the next generation it is a big important job, we should help eachother through it, not put eachother down!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lisa - posted on 06/16/2009

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Hi everyone, I'm the Community Manager here at Circle of Moms and I'm very glad to see this thread here! I've been thinking a lot lately about how to improve exchanges on Circle of Moms. While the vast majority of mom here are helpful and supportive, I do see (and get complaints about) unpleasant spats.

I think it might help to give you all more control over the kind of feedback you get when you post. We could build in a menu of options, and you could check off what you'd like to get back from other moms from a list that might include: support, stories of similar experiences, inspiration, ideas, recommendations (solutions, products, plans of action), resources (books, experts, websites, etc.), debate, or (drumroll please) honest, no holds barred feedback.

Please let me know if you like this idea. If there's support for it, we'll implement it!

Guggie - posted on 06/17/2009

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I suppose it's a personality thing. It seems some people just get pissy and hurt when their actions are judged as wrong. If someone says I'm wrong, I go research it and make my own decisions. If I am wrong, I thank them for their input. If I am right, I counter. Not a big deal.

Judging is the big taboo in our culture. Too bad b/c if some people weren't so sensitive they might change certain behaviors and this could positively impact their child's health and wellbeing.

Aislynn - posted on 06/17/2009

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Wow. I'm not sure what posts you've been reading, but I have as of yet to experience any judging here. So far, in my experience, everyone has attempted to be helpful and friendly. They've shared their ideas and methods but have not been critical of other's advice. I hope you're able to find that here as well.. and when someones being unduly negative, perhaps take the time to let the know personally. I doubt it's their intent to be rude or judgemental.. tone doesn't translate well over the internet.

Tracy - posted on 06/20/2009

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o.k. calm down. The written word is often misunderstood because we tend to put our own emotions into what is written.For example,the young mother above who says other peoples kids will be running around ,doing drugs and having sex, kind of forgets, she was running around having sex with the evidence being she is a young mom. See how you can twist almost anything. Plus, placing NO OFFENCE, NOT MEANT TO OFFEND, doesn't change anything it just makes those looking for a fight to find more meaning in the words than are necessary.



I don't care if you are young or old. I do care if you don't take care of your kids the best you can. Not the best I can, the best you can. We all have bad days, make different solutions to the same problems. Lets all take a breath and realize, millions of women before us had children and millions after us will have them too. We really are not the first to have kids, you know?

Nicole - posted on 06/17/2009

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This is real life ladies! The fact isn't who says what or how it's said, the fact is we are choosing to lay our personal lives out on the world wide web! Now let me say that again...WORLD WIDE web. So whether it's products, parenting styles, recipes, relationships and whether it's on youotube, myspace, facebook, or circle of moms, you are allowing advice and judgement on you and whatever you put ot there to take place. But why is everyone so hurt by the words of others? Isn't the best thing about leaving high school is that we don't have to care what others think? Especially if it's just said to be hurtful? Aren't we finished trying to get to sit at the cool kids table? Motherhood is messy! And

I don't care if your a single mom, working mom, natural mom, strict mom, easy going, religous, not religous, poor, rich, educated or non educated, we all have one thing in common: We are all women trying to master a job with only "on the job training". No Mom has it right, because there is no way to get it right. Generations, societies, cultures, religion, science, access to knowledge, and yes our children are constantly changing so there is no way to update the Mommy manual and keep it current. So we hop on sites like these to make sure every avenue is covered just in case. But just like in the real world we don't have tom get along. We don't have to agree or say things pc, why, because we all are grown and we know the difference between constructive crticismm and hurtful comments. If you are truly sensitive to the advice of others, leave your business off the web. There are amazing books, videos, and magazines out there for you. But if you are looking for advice know that opinions go hand in hand with that. Don't take it personal because as I said before noone has it absolutely right. Maybe only what's right for them in there situation. Let's not stifle free speech and expression because we don't like what people say or how they say it when we asked for it by airing our lives publicly. Take it for what it's worth. And remember all of us mom's are in it together!

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Heather - posted on 06/25/2009

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I have to agree with you. I feel bad because I started somewhat of an argument on another topic. I was defensive because I was on the opposite side of the situation she was talking about and I got very critical of what she was saying. I think we need to come together as mothers and not criticize each other. Thanks for posting this.

Sam - posted on 06/25/2009

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Very well said, i think its so much easier to say what you would do in this situation rather than telling them what they should do and give them advice like their asking, because they are not asking for you to step in and take over are they?

Take care, All the best. :) :)

Rosana - posted on 06/24/2009

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Amber I totally agree with you....but unfortunately your always going to get people like that no matter where you go, where you work ,even were your children go to school. I think from these sort of situations just take the positives and forget about the negatives these people no matter what will continue to be "perfect" in their minds.

Jennifer - posted on 06/24/2009

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Quoting Mary:

As a 1st time mommy of a 7 month old, I am truly amazed at the amount of certainty & self confidence so many of these women possess. It may just be me, but despite being an RN for 17 year (mosty in L&D), becoming a mother has truly humbled me. I now see even more clearly that there are no absolutes, just shades of grey. I try to do my very best by my child & my family, so that we are all happy & healthy at the end of the day.


Mary.. PERFECT!  I agree with you 100%!  Especially when you're a first time mom, whether your child is a newborn or 5, you come to these boards just to make sure you aren't the only crazy one completely full of doubts and uncertainties.  Kudos to all the Moms that truly are that confident in their styles & choices.  My son just turned 2 (he's an only) and I still pray I'm making the right decisions for him everyday.  And you know what?  Some days, if I've made it through to bedtime and only had to give him one time-out/spanking, then that's enough to be a success!  Our children can be more than a handful, even if you only have one, at any given moment.  If we fail the standards we set for ourselves in how we deal with them (not the standards "society" has made us believe we need to set) then we acknowledge it, learn from it, and try our very best to do better the next day.  In the end, that's all any of us can do.  Learn from our mistakes and do our very best to do better the next day.



 



Even if you think you've got it all together, always remember thatthere are many many many of us (probably more than might admit) that are just trying to do the best we can in any given moment.  No one wants to fail.  No one wants to come up short.  No one wants to do it the wrong way or make a mistake.  It happens.  That's life.  It doesn't make the mistake-makers any less of a mother than the ones who with all the confidence.  We're all on this crazy ride together and hopefully we can remember how we felt in our own weak moments and treat each other with all the respect and love we'd like our children to treat others with.

Sharlene - posted on 06/23/2009

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Yes, every mum is different, every mum excels at certain aspects of parenting and can learn how to do others better. Every child is different, every family is different. We all do our best with what we have at the time. We all learn as we go. No parent is perfect. I enjoy being a mum and try not to judge others as best as I can.

I find that sometimes people read too much into the written word as well. Sometimes people don't mean to offend and of course there are people who are genuinely being nasty as well.

I hope everyone can remember these things when they are participating in any sort of forum so it's a good experience for all.

Jana - posted on 06/23/2009

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I agree with Jo on the "internet language" which provides some anonymity enabling people to lash out in ways they might not do to our face, however, starting from pregnancy on, I felt like it became open season for the world at large to impose their opinions on me, right to my face. I shutter to think what these people would be like with the shield of the internet to protect them. A pregnant woman or a woman with her children seems to wear a target on her back that says, "UNSOLICITED OPINIONS WANTED....ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE NEGATIVE." Some people seem to lose that fundamental social conscious around mums and mums-to-be. As if we don't judge ourselves harshly enough! Obviously those doing the most judging of others isn't really feeling all that confident in her own parenting skills. I try to remember that and treat the criticism with a little compassion (for that person as well as myself). We're all making as many mistakes as we are triumphs. Why can't we all just get along??!

Betsy - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Ashley:



Quoting Betsy:




Quoting Ashley:





Quoting Kristy:

****THIS IS NOT ABOUT THIS THREAD, ONLY ABOUT THE COMMENT MADE ABOUT YOUNG MUMS ****



Ha, well betsy is it. Im a young mum, I fell pregnant at 18 had my baby @ 19. I don’t like it how people always are picking on us young mums, what happening to really caring about what is important. You know, caring and loving our children.
Also why don’t you dislike mums who rape and bash and constantly abuse their children instead of worrying how old people are that have children.
AGE is of the mind, and for some people I could say, there a lot younger than us young mummies.
Im now 22 and my son’s 2. Does that make it any better?
Look back 50 years.... how old were the mums back then?
Everyone is entitled to there own opinion, and so am I. my opinion is that people who judge "us young mums" or what ever you want to call us, there must be something eating you up inside, some insecurity, that you have to pick on people who are younger, or maybe you wish you had children younger??
And it’s also so my opinion that ITS NONE OF YOUR BISINESS WHAT AGE ANYONE HAS THERE CHILDREN AT.
Does that mean you are better than us “young mums”, I’ve got allot off opinions on things that I don’t agree on, but you know what I keep that to myself because it’s not nice to judge or take stabs at other people, my parents taught me better, didnt yours? Think the saying goes "if you haven’t got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" think some people forget how old "they" really are, and act younger than "us young mums".
I love and adore my son, and FYI yes I am still with the father, and we love each other very much, also we’re engaged and have been together for many years.
Oh n ALSO FYI, im not white trash, im Spanish, and I live in a really nice area..
So next time you think that ALL young mums are bad, maybe you should keep that to yourself, because it’s very nasty.


****SORRY IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO SOME (NO OFFENCE MEANT), OR COMES OFF THE WORNG WAY, JUST SO OVER BEING JUDGED BECAUSE IM YOUNG****









I just wanted to say to Kristy that I think you are amazing to have a child at 19 and raise him to be a wonderful boy (as I can tell he must be just by the way you come accross). I first joined this site a few months ago and got really ticked off at some of the things certain people were saying. I even went so far as to go back and forth with one mom defending myself for a while. Then I realized, it was not worth it. Why waste my time duking it out with someone that is totally not worth my time??? I don't want to spend my time on here speaking with rude, judgemental people that are only here to name call and insist their way is the best and only way. I came to this site to learn and to help mom's (especially with baby sleep routines, because I went through a lot with my daughter, even hired an expert to help her sleep better) and now I simply ignore the judgemental posts and comments. After a while I learned who was judgemental and I just ignore what they write. It's not worth it, life is too short. Not everyone will have the same parenting style or opinion and that's what makes us human. It's very easy to take the judgemental comments to heart and be burned by them because we are women and are emotional and sensitive. But I don't bother reading some people's posts, it's just not worth it. The bottom line is we all are great mom's because we love our kids, we want what's best for them. So we will take a judgemental comment personally. But when I read something that is offensive to my parenting style I just look at my daughter and she smiles and giggles back at me and I know I am doing my best and I just let the judgemental mom's comments roll off my back.












Boy did I laugh hysterically when I saw she directed this to me, after her reading of someone else's incorrect information, considering I had our oldest child when I was only 17 myself and am very open about that lol. Atrocious and blatently abusive parenting I will criticize as would most people who love kids, but young moms? No way, I was one and have spent my adult life mentoring other great young moms working hard to build terrific lives for themselves and their kids, overcoming the challenges that come with trying to become established while already being a parent:-)









Sorry Betsy I didn't mean to directly send this to you...the website seems to automatically do it now (if that is what you are referring to) And I mainly agreed with her post when she said if you haven't got anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I admire teen mom's who raise their children and really seem to rise to the responsibility. Our teen years are a time of selfishness (for some) and finding out who we are and I could not imagine taking care of another human being at 18. I simply meant to applaud young mom's who are raising their children, that is all. I only quoted her to give her credit for accepting the responsibility of another human life when she was still growing up herself. I thought if I quoted her it would get sent to her. Sorry if this came accross as offensive to you, it wasn't intended to be that way.






Oh I agree. I have seen and worked with some young moms who thought they were great moms, but they really shouldn't have had kids yet (and should be still parented themselves), but I have also worked with ones that completely blow me away, not only with their maturity, but with the character and drive they possess. It's truly inspirational seeing those young women. Where I have been in that same place, a very young married mom, I know the challenges, and some of these amazing young women just stand up to the plate and handle it all with such ease.

Ashley - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Betsy:



Quoting Ashley:




Quoting Kristy:

****THIS IS NOT ABOUT THIS THREAD, ONLY ABOUT THE COMMENT MADE ABOUT YOUNG MUMS ****



Ha, well betsy is it. Im a young mum, I fell pregnant at 18 had my baby @ 19. I don’t like it how people always are picking on us young mums, what happening to really caring about what is important. You know, caring and loving our children.
Also why don’t you dislike mums who rape and bash and constantly abuse their children instead of worrying how old people are that have children.
AGE is of the mind, and for some people I could say, there a lot younger than us young mummies.
Im now 22 and my son’s 2. Does that make it any better?
Look back 50 years.... how old were the mums back then?
Everyone is entitled to there own opinion, and so am I. my opinion is that people who judge "us young mums" or what ever you want to call us, there must be something eating you up inside, some insecurity, that you have to pick on people who are younger, or maybe you wish you had children younger??
And it’s also so my opinion that ITS NONE OF YOUR BISINESS WHAT AGE ANYONE HAS THERE CHILDREN AT.
Does that mean you are better than us “young mums”, I’ve got allot off opinions on things that I don’t agree on, but you know what I keep that to myself because it’s not nice to judge or take stabs at other people, my parents taught me better, didnt yours? Think the saying goes "if you haven’t got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" think some people forget how old "they" really are, and act younger than "us young mums".
I love and adore my son, and FYI yes I am still with the father, and we love each other very much, also we’re engaged and have been together for many years.
Oh n ALSO FYI, im not white trash, im Spanish, and I live in a really nice area..
So next time you think that ALL young mums are bad, maybe you should keep that to yourself, because it’s very nasty.


****SORRY IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO SOME (NO OFFENCE MEANT), OR COMES OFF THE WORNG WAY, JUST SO OVER BEING JUDGED BECAUSE IM YOUNG****







I just wanted to say to Kristy that I think you are amazing to have a child at 19 and raise him to be a wonderful boy (as I can tell he must be just by the way you come accross). I first joined this site a few months ago and got really ticked off at some of the things certain people were saying. I even went so far as to go back and forth with one mom defending myself for a while. Then I realized, it was not worth it. Why waste my time duking it out with someone that is totally not worth my time??? I don't want to spend my time on here speaking with rude, judgemental people that are only here to name call and insist their way is the best and only way. I came to this site to learn and to help mom's (especially with baby sleep routines, because I went through a lot with my daughter, even hired an expert to help her sleep better) and now I simply ignore the judgemental posts and comments. After a while I learned who was judgemental and I just ignore what they write. It's not worth it, life is too short. Not everyone will have the same parenting style or opinion and that's what makes us human. It's very easy to take the judgemental comments to heart and be burned by them because we are women and are emotional and sensitive. But I don't bother reading some people's posts, it's just not worth it. The bottom line is we all are great mom's because we love our kids, we want what's best for them. So we will take a judgemental comment personally. But when I read something that is offensive to my parenting style I just look at my daughter and she smiles and giggles back at me and I know I am doing my best and I just let the judgemental mom's comments roll off my back.









Boy did I laugh hysterically when I saw she directed this to me, after her reading of someone else's incorrect information, considering I had our oldest child when I was only 17 myself and am very open about that lol. Atrocious and blatently abusive parenting I will criticize as would most people who love kids, but young moms? No way, I was one and have spent my adult life mentoring other great young moms working hard to build terrific lives for themselves and their kids, overcoming the challenges that come with trying to become established while already being a parent:-)





Sorry Betsy I didn't mean to directly send this to you...the website seems to automatically do it now (if that is what you are referring to) And I mainly agreed with her post when she said if you haven't got anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I admire teen mom's who raise their children and really seem to rise to the responsibility. Our teen years are a time of selfishness (for some) and finding out who we are and I could not imagine taking care of another human being at 18. I simply meant to applaud young mom's who are raising their children, that is all. I only quoted her to give her credit for accepting the responsibility of another human life when she was still growing up herself. I thought if I quoted her it would get sent to her. Sorry if this came accross as offensive to you, it wasn't intended to be that way.

Betsy - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Ashley:



Quoting Kristy:

****THIS IS NOT ABOUT THIS THREAD, ONLY ABOUT THE COMMENT MADE ABOUT YOUNG MUMS ****



Ha, well betsy is it. Im a young mum, I fell pregnant at 18 had my baby @ 19. I don’t like it how people always are picking on us young mums, what happening to really caring about what is important. You know, caring and loving our children.
Also why don’t you dislike mums who rape and bash and constantly abuse their children instead of worrying how old people are that have children.
AGE is of the mind, and for some people I could say, there a lot younger than us young mummies.
Im now 22 and my son’s 2. Does that make it any better?
Look back 50 years.... how old were the mums back then?
Everyone is entitled to there own opinion, and so am I. my opinion is that people who judge "us young mums" or what ever you want to call us, there must be something eating you up inside, some insecurity, that you have to pick on people who are younger, or maybe you wish you had children younger??
And it’s also so my opinion that ITS NONE OF YOUR BISINESS WHAT AGE ANYONE HAS THERE CHILDREN AT.
Does that mean you are better than us “young mums”, I’ve got allot off opinions on things that I don’t agree on, but you know what I keep that to myself because it’s not nice to judge or take stabs at other people, my parents taught me better, didnt yours? Think the saying goes "if you haven’t got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" think some people forget how old "they" really are, and act younger than "us young mums".
I love and adore my son, and FYI yes I am still with the father, and we love each other very much, also we’re engaged and have been together for many years.
Oh n ALSO FYI, im not white trash, im Spanish, and I live in a really nice area..
So next time you think that ALL young mums are bad, maybe you should keep that to yourself, because it’s very nasty.


****SORRY IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO SOME (NO OFFENCE MEANT), OR COMES OFF THE WORNG WAY, JUST SO OVER BEING JUDGED BECAUSE IM YOUNG****





I just wanted to say to Kristy that I think you are amazing to have a child at 19 and raise him to be a wonderful boy (as I can tell he must be just by the way you come accross). I first joined this site a few months ago and got really ticked off at some of the things certain people were saying. I even went so far as to go back and forth with one mom defending myself for a while. Then I realized, it was not worth it. Why waste my time duking it out with someone that is totally not worth my time??? I don't want to spend my time on here speaking with rude, judgemental people that are only here to name call and insist their way is the best and only way. I came to this site to learn and to help mom's (especially with baby sleep routines, because I went through a lot with my daughter, even hired an expert to help her sleep better) and now I simply ignore the judgemental posts and comments. After a while I learned who was judgemental and I just ignore what they write. It's not worth it, life is too short. Not everyone will have the same parenting style or opinion and that's what makes us human. It's very easy to take the judgemental comments to heart and be burned by them because we are women and are emotional and sensitive. But I don't bother reading some people's posts, it's just not worth it. The bottom line is we all are great mom's because we love our kids, we want what's best for them. So we will take a judgemental comment personally. But when I read something that is offensive to my parenting style I just look at my daughter and she smiles and giggles back at me and I know I am doing my best and I just let the judgemental mom's comments roll off my back.





Boy did I laugh hysterically when I saw she directed this to me, after her reading of someone else's incorrect information, considering I had our oldest child when I was only 17 myself and am very open about that lol. Atrocious and blatently abusive parenting I will criticize as would most people who love kids, but young moms? No way, I was one and have spent my adult life mentoring other great young moms working hard to build terrific lives for themselves and their kids, overcoming the challenges that come with trying to become established while already being a parent:-)

Ashley - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Kristy:

****THIS IS NOT ABOUT THIS THREAD, ONLY ABOUT THE COMMENT MADE ABOUT YOUNG MUMS ****



Ha, well betsy is it. Im a young mum, I fell pregnant at 18 had my baby @ 19. I don’t like it how people always are picking on us young mums, what happening to really caring about what is important. You know, caring and loving our children.
Also why don’t you dislike mums who rape and bash and constantly abuse their children instead of worrying how old people are that have children.
AGE is of the mind, and for some people I could say, there a lot younger than us young mummies.
Im now 22 and my son’s 2. Does that make it any better?
Look back 50 years.... how old were the mums back then?
Everyone is entitled to there own opinion, and so am I. my opinion is that people who judge "us young mums" or what ever you want to call us, there must be something eating you up inside, some insecurity, that you have to pick on people who are younger, or maybe you wish you had children younger??
And it’s also so my opinion that ITS NONE OF YOUR BISINESS WHAT AGE ANYONE HAS THERE CHILDREN AT.
Does that mean you are better than us “young mums”, I’ve got allot off opinions on things that I don’t agree on, but you know what I keep that to myself because it’s not nice to judge or take stabs at other people, my parents taught me better, didnt yours? Think the saying goes "if you haven’t got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" think some people forget how old "they" really are, and act younger than "us young mums".
I love and adore my son, and FYI yes I am still with the father, and we love each other very much, also we’re engaged and have been together for many years.
Oh n ALSO FYI, im not white trash, im Spanish, and I live in a really nice area..
So next time you think that ALL young mums are bad, maybe you should keep that to yourself, because it’s very nasty.


****SORRY IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO SOME (NO OFFENCE MEANT), OR COMES OFF THE WORNG WAY, JUST SO OVER BEING JUDGED BECAUSE IM YOUNG****


I just wanted to say to Kristy that I think you are amazing to have a child at 19 and raise him to be a wonderful boy (as I can tell he must be just by the way you come accross). I first joined this site a few months ago and got really ticked off at some of the things certain people were saying. I even went so far as to go back and forth with one mom defending myself for a while. Then I realized, it was not worth it. Why waste my time duking it out with someone that is totally not worth my time??? I don't want to spend my time on here speaking with rude, judgemental people that are only here to name call and insist their way is the best and only way. I came to this site to learn and to help mom's (especially with baby sleep routines, because I went through a lot with my daughter, even hired an expert to help her sleep better) and now I simply ignore the judgemental posts and comments. After a while I learned who was judgemental and I just ignore what they write. It's not worth it, life is too short. Not everyone will have the same parenting style or opinion and that's what makes us human. It's very easy to take the judgemental comments to heart and be burned by them because we are women and are emotional and sensitive. But I don't bother reading some people's posts, it's just not worth it. The bottom line is we all are great mom's because we love our kids, we want what's best for them. So we will take a judgemental comment personally. But when I read something that is offensive to my parenting style I just look at my daughter and she smiles and giggles back at me and I know I am doing my best and I just let the judgemental mom's comments roll off my back.

Megan - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Jenn:



Quoting Jo:

~* WARNING - EXTREME SARCASIM - WARNING *~

I am THE perfect mother. I do EVERYTHING right. Anything that is not done my way, is the wrong way. Formula is poison - it kills babies. Cloth diapers are the only thing touching my childs toosh - pampers and huggies are simply marketting schemes that have germs already placed in them so that every baby will get diaper rash and every mom will have to buy butt creams. He will sleep with me until the day he moves out of our house because it is natural in the wild for a child to spend every night cuddled up to their parent until they leave to forge their own way. My child will only be fed 100% organic food, that I grow and harvest myself. As well as only wear clothes that are made from natural products; wooden shoes, grass/wheat woven pants and shirts, bamboo, silk, cotton all grown, woven and made by myself.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha sorry, I had too. My son breast fed for 3 months and has been on formula since. He is 7.5 months old 21lbs 27.5 inches tall, active lil man, very strong, very smart and extremely happy. He wears pampers and whatever clothes he fits into and he sleeps in his own crib in a different room and sleeps through the night too.






I have to say Jo - what you wrote was extremely judgemental about another parenting style. And making the assumption that mothers who use cloth diapers, breastfeed, co-sleep, etc. are all that radical in their opinions! You completely contradicted yourself by being judgemental towards a different parenting style. Even with your 'Extreme sarcasm Warning' I find it quite disrespectful.






 






Please be a bit more respectful when posting. We are all incredible mothers because we love our children first and foremost and we want nothing but the best for them ~ Jenn






i dont think that she was being disrespectful at all. i think she was making an effort to ligthen the situation a bit, i found it kinda funny actually, with all the stories about how our mothers mothers did it way before us and the countless books on parenting and how to be the perfect mom i think it was nice to read a humorours outake on the subject. i disnt find any of what she said judgmental. but thats just my opinion and in the infamous words of my husband we are all entitled to our own opinion.

L.Maria - posted on 06/23/2009

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i hear you this is a place where even the most unbarable probablems should be discussed with an open mind

no one should be hurtful on an already stressed mum

Betsy - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Pililani:



Quoting Varsha:

Absolutely! Ever since I've gotten pregnant, I feel like everyone around me has had the perfect pregnancy and has not had all the problems I've had. I've even been told that I am weak for having all this nausea! I think everyone forgets when they went through what other people are going through or think they handled it better. Amber's right! Motherhood is THE HARDEST JOB IN THE UNIVERSE! Nobody has every done it perfectly. No one ever will! Let's all get over ourselves.





Hey Varsha,






I think everyone just likes to act like they had perfect pregnancy's! My pregnancy with my daughter was awesome! No problems! But my pregnancy with my son was awful.  I suffered from nausea for the first four months, could not eat a thing! Lost 10 lbs in the process.  Not the time I wanted to lose weight, wish I could lose 10 lbs right now! LOL! I also threatened to miscarry in the beginning, pains throughout the entire pregnancy, extremely swollen legs and feet, and i suffered from dizziness.  There are pregnancy's out there that are pretty good.  I had a good pregnancy with my daughter but my labor was a horrible 34 hours then I had to have a c-section.  Then I got swollen in my legs and feet after I had her.  So my pregnancy with her was good, but the after birth was horrible! My pregnancy with my son was horrible, but after birth was good, which is so funny if you think about it.  I know a couple of people that suffered from nausea through the entire pregnancy.  Everyone has their problems, but it seems that some mothers don't like to say anything and act like it was the best thing ever. 






 






Now back to Ambers post, sometimes it seems that its hard for some people to accept other mothers way of raising their kids and it angers them.  Thats where the harsh judgements come into play.  They just need to realize that you can place your opinion into something but still be nice at the same time.  No one will change their views for you, especially if you are rude!






There are many factors though. I do love being pregnant. I have had 5 full-term pregnancies and really enjoy it. I also have never gotten a day of morning sickness. Hormones also play into it because the changes could cause depression in some women, while almost euphoria in another. I am in the latter, feeling over the moon when pregnant and for the 10-12 weeks after. I love it. Now I have long deliveries, 3 were days long and natural and 2 were over 24 hrs, then c/s. The last month carrying the twins was very painful. Being very small, carry two was difficult, but I still enjoyed it all. We all experience these things with different factors though. I really appreciate all of it, even the long labors, but I my second son was stillborn in 1996.  That gives you a new perspective. The few uncomfortable things at the end don't mean much because I have lived through the worst experience, so they become meaningless and still good parts of a healthy pregnancy. Plus, everyone's individual life situations during a pregnancy will factor into the general experience. If they are unsure about an unplanned pregnancy, having any difficult issues or stressors (marriage/relationship, financial, family, etc.) that will that will also factor into how they perceive all the issues with pregnancy. Another woman, may have a difficult pregnancy, but after many miscarriages or being told she will never deliver a child, may find even vomitting daily a miracle. Some women truly loved their pregnancies and even miss it when not pregnant. That's not "forgetting" or being dishonest, just their individual experience combines with so many other factors that are personal to their lives.

Janet - posted on 06/23/2009

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Don't worry dear, i'm an oldie but goodie. What you remember is that if you have a good heart, you stay true to what you believe in and don't let anyone grind you down. I've had my share of meltdowns and i've raised two wonderfully strong sons (19 and 21).Their father is a strong man also. My favorite quote is 'The best thing a man does for his children is to love their mother". I hope i've been helpful, take care

?? - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Lisa:

Jo, I think you are wonderfully funny, and the world needs more of you.





Thank you Lisa! That is so sweet ! I like being the only me though :P





Quoting Rachel:

I know i said it earlier but your joke was commical and it gave me a good laugh so thanks for brightening up my day.........lol





I'm glad you got a good laugh!!! :D I love making people laugh... which is why I tried to make a joke - duh! LOL and I'll keep makin jokes... even if they offend some people, there are others who will laugh and I like knowin I made someone smile, makin em laugh is even better!





Quoting Michelle:

AMEN!! I hope your Father's Day dinner went wonderful and you didn't torment the in-laws too much :) I love your posts and I love how honest you are!





Dinner WAS good! Yum bbq steak!!! I was polite and kind to my inlaws! I was quite proud of myself! hahaha I'm glad you like my posts! I tell everyone I have to be honest, cause my memory is to bad to lie and if I didn't tell it as I see it... then I'd be makin up stories, and if I wanted to do that, I'd write a book, cause then at least I'd make some money off of it hahaha Besides, I don't have enough time on my hands to sit and sugar coat every word to make sure that nothing gets handed out without any sweetness - if I wanted to do that, I wouldn't have become a mom... every mom needs to have backbone, conviction, as well as a healthy dose of shut the fuck up, listen and learn. :D



I think I have most of that... I think... I hope... I try at least! And I am a new mom still, so I'm sure my back bone will get stronger, my convictions will change as I will be shutting up a lot, listening a lot, and learning a lot more!

?? - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Lisa:

For All Mothers

This is for all the mothers who froze their buns off on metal bleachers at soccer games instead of watching from cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see my goal?" They could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with sick children in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Meyer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here."

This is for all the mothers of Kosovo who fled in the night and can't find their children. This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see and for the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes and for all the mothers who don't.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleeping to dread, from bed to crib at 2 a.m. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

Is it the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a school shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying?

I think so.

So this is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't.

This is for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then reading it again, "Just one more time".

This is for all the mothers who mess up. Who yell at their kids in grocery store and swat them in despair and stomp their feet like a tired two year old who wants ice cream before dinner.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started to school and for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

For all the mothers who bite their lips (sometimes until they bleed) when their 14 year olds dyed their hair green.

This is for all the mothers who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep crying and won't stop.

This is for all mothers who show at work with spit-up in their hair and milkstains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

This is for mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home or are grown.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children's graves.

This is for all the mothers whose children have gone astray and who can't find words to reach them.

This is for all the mothers who sent their child to school with a stomach ache, assuring that they would be just FINE once they got there, only to get a call from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up right away.

This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working moms and stay-at-home moms. Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money and mothers without.
This is for you, so hang in there. The world would be a terrible place without the love of mothers everywhere. You make it a more civil, caring and safe place for the precious children in our world.



By far the best post so far, in my eyes. Beautiful Lisa!

Pililani - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Varsha:

Absolutely! Ever since I've gotten pregnant, I feel like everyone around me has had the perfect pregnancy and has not had all the problems I've had. I've even been told that I am weak for having all this nausea! I think everyone forgets when they went through what other people are going through or think they handled it better. Amber's right! Motherhood is THE HARDEST JOB IN THE UNIVERSE! Nobody has every done it perfectly. No one ever will! Let's all get over ourselves.


Hey Varsha,



I think everyone just likes to act like they had perfect pregnancy's! My pregnancy with my daughter was awesome! No problems! But my pregnancy with my son was awful.  I suffered from nausea for the first four months, could not eat a thing! Lost 10 lbs in the process.  Not the time I wanted to lose weight, wish I could lose 10 lbs right now! LOL! I also threatened to miscarry in the beginning, pains throughout the entire pregnancy, extremely swollen legs and feet, and i suffered from dizziness.  There are pregnancy's out there that are pretty good.  I had a good pregnancy with my daughter but my labor was a horrible 34 hours then I had to have a c-section.  Then I got swollen in my legs and feet after I had her.  So my pregnancy with her was good, but the after birth was horrible! My pregnancy with my son was horrible, but after birth was good, which is so funny if you think about it.  I know a couple of people that suffered from nausea through the entire pregnancy.  Everyone has their problems, but it seems that some mothers don't like to say anything and act like it was the best thing ever. 



 



Now back to Ambers post, sometimes it seems that its hard for some people to accept other mothers way of raising their kids and it angers them.  Thats where the harsh judgements come into play.  They just need to realize that you can place your opinion into something but still be nice at the same time.  No one will change their views for you, especially if you are rude!

[deleted account]

For All Mothers

This is for all the mothers who froze their buns off on metal bleachers at soccer games instead of watching from cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see my goal?" They could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with sick children in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Meyer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here."

This is for all the mothers of Kosovo who fled in the night and can't find their children. This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see and for the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes and for all the mothers who don't.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleeping to dread, from bed to crib at 2 a.m. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

Is it the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a school shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying?

I think so.

So this is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't.

This is for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then reading it again, "Just one more time".

This is for all the mothers who mess up. Who yell at their kids in grocery store and swat them in despair and stomp their feet like a tired two year old who wants ice cream before dinner.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started to school and for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

For all the mothers who bite their lips (sometimes until they bleed) when their 14 year olds dyed their hair green.

This is for all the mothers who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep crying and won't stop.

This is for all mothers who show at work with spit-up in their hair and milkstains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

This is for mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home or are grown.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children's graves.

This is for all the mothers whose children have gone astray and who can't find words to reach them.

This is for all the mothers who sent their child to school with a stomach ache, assuring that they would be just FINE once they got there, only to get a call from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up right away.

This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working moms and stay-at-home moms. Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money and mothers without.
This is for you, so hang in there. The world would be a terrible place without the love of mothers everywhere. You make it a more civil, caring and safe place for the precious children in our world.

Rachel - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Jo:

Wow... ok if ya can't take a joke... when it's obviously a joke... then you got some issues lol but seriously? Common now... a lil common sense? If I can't joke about the BEYOND extreme, then the moms around here are WAY TOO uptight, and I am perfectly happy not being a part of it.

If you're really going to waste your time being offended by a joke like that; that I posted simply joking about being jokingly judgemental of the EXTREME judgements - all of which those have all been turned into an argument on COM since I have joined, which is why I used them as examples - well then that's your issue and you most probably need to remove the stick from your ass - now that, that I can see you getting offended about.

Ladies... a lil suggestion - Stop Assuming Everything Is Meant To Be Offensive And THE MAJORITY OF IT WILL STOP BEING OFFENSIVE.


I would just like to say i found your joke rather commical, well it gave me a good laugh anyway, but i'm an Australian and we have weird senses of humour....lol. I agree with your suggestion of STOP ASSUMING EVERYTHING IS MEANT TO BE OFFENSIVE AND THE MAJORITY OF IT WILL STOP BEING OFFENSIVE!!!!!!!!!! This is soooooooooooo true, people always take things differently and we as the people of the world need to realise that. Life is to short to take everything so seriously, honestly who cares what someone else does with their kids it's not your kid so why care so much. If we all just took it as someone elses opinion then we would'nt have so many judgemental posts. I don't know about the rest of you but i was taught as a child that my opinion is not the only one that counts because everyone has a their own opinions and you need to respect them for that and if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. Thats my motto anyway and i try to live up to it but sometimes it's very hard to do that, i myself have been judgemental on a few posts and i have regretted it ever since because i let my anger over something silly get the better of me. We have all probably at one point or another in our lives judged someone for something that they have done and unfortunately thats just the way the world works, not everyone will share the same opinions and everyone will get judgemental over one thing or another in their life but thats when you have to learn to let it be water off a ducks back and get on with your life.



I know i said it earlier but your joke was commical and it gave me a good laugh so thanks for brightening up my day.........lol

Jennifer - posted on 06/23/2009

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I agree. No one has the right to criticize someone for doing the best they possibly can. I have five children of various ages and we all learn and grow with our kids. Just because I might not do something someone else does does not make it wrong! Anyone who says everyday with their children is is perfect is not being honest. All kids no matter whet age have personality's that often clash with ours. Parenting is a challenging, wonderful experience but we all have days when we want to pull our hair out or just need a break. We come to discussion groups for a moment of clarity or sanity and do not need to be bashed!!!!

Michelle - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Jo:

I am reading :) and I agree with you. And kinda sorta disagree on something you said, I wouldn't classify it as "disagreeing" though LOL I guess I'd like to ADD to what you were saying about it being the internet and you have the option to walk away. As much as you have the option to walk away, we all also have the option of asking questions. AND we as human beings, have the ability to put pieces together so that something makes sense.

For instance; if you read the joke I posted in this thread - and you are unsure of the context of the joke - is it supposed to be judgemental? is it supposed to be funny? You put 2 and 2 together. Obvious Joke. Following Paragraphs are about NOT being judgemental. You can safely assume that it is meant to be funny - which then you can put 2 & 2 together again. Is it your humor? Yes? Laugh! No? MOVE ON!

The reason I wanted to re-touch that is because Amber made the comment about just because you can make a statement doesn't mean you have too. Well.. it works both ways. Amber, Jenn, anyone who didn't find it humorous - had absolutely no logical reason to post other than to be negative, point out their dislike for it. And basically talk down to me. The joke on the other hand had absolutely ZERO negative implications what so ever. Except for the whole Formula kills babies thing LOL

And yet, I'm the one that got focused on by the OP haha anyways I have "real life" to attend to now.... family dinner for fathers day... WooHoo! I can go and be rude and disrespectful to the in laws HAHAHA AGAIN, I'm Joking!


AMEN!!  I hope your Father's Day dinner went wonderful and you didn't torment the in-laws too much :)  I love your posts and I love how honest you are!

Olga - posted on 06/22/2009

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I agree with you Amber what you just said is very true i am sure there is a nicer way of helping eachother in postive way not in a negative way :) well said good on you.

[deleted account]

Thats right! Every mother had their own unique style of discipline. And many of us mothers inherate our parents way to discipline. I respect it so nobody's perfect when it comes to disciplining ur child and every child is special.

Hailey - posted on 06/22/2009

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yes i totally agree , there are days i could nearly rip my hair out but i love my kids and would do anything for them i think mother hood is all about trial and error every1 just needs to find what works best for them ,sometimes it helps though to read the rude stuff i think it just makes for a good laugh (within reason though as some ppl can take things too seriuosly)

[deleted account]

Hey all, I am new here, and had to add my own 2 cents. I think we have unfortunately become a society of over correctness. We feel we have the right to say/act how ever we want, but are unable to handle the same in return. I have found myself doing the same thing. I hate it. I find no need to be cruel or mean to another, I still have clear memories of someone doing the same to me, and understand the pain/embarrassment. Will I always agree with someone, no, but I can agree to disagree, and it is not my life they live, so it really does not affect me. As for affecting their children, after having six semi-normal children, I have found them tougher and more resilient than most adults I have known. I also wished we could be a bit tougher. That is something wonderful to teach our children, how to let somethings just roll off! I am also a firm believer in the following thought... As long as I believe it in my mind, that's the only thought that matters!!!

Lyn - posted on 06/22/2009

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I agree Amber sometimes all we need to know is that we are not alone in our times of need. motherhood is not an exact science we need to support each other and not put others down because they are doing it differently.

Lyn - posted on 06/22/2009

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I agree with you Amber we are all individual and so are our children. I raised 4 children and they have their own children and they are different again. Parenting isn't and exact science it's knowing what our children want and need and try to provide that for them. that is why God gave mothers a sixth sense (commonly called motherly instinct) sometimes all we need is to know we are not alone in our times of need.

Christine - posted on 06/22/2009

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If someone asks for advice then they should be open to it, and not be offended. I personally haven't noticed the judgmental side to this site...But to each his own, what works for you may not work for someone else, nor will they agree with you. Whatever is said should be done in a tasteful and respectful manner, we're all dealing with similar situations and need to stand united.

April - posted on 06/22/2009

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I have to say this...What is the big deal? If you ask a question, on a public forum. You have to know ahead of time that everyone has different opinions, some may be in your line of thinking, and others not so much. Pick and choose what you think will work for your child or family. It's about getting new Ideas from moms that may have gone through it before you. I have found this community very helpful.

You can't let every little thing get you worked up or you'll go crazy.

Tonya - posted on 06/22/2009

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I agree with the "why judge each other" theme that seems to be continueing throughout the post's. I have only been here for a few short months and have n't really put in a lot of input. But Every one of the ones I have answered I have tried to give the same advice. As a mom of 4 this worked is working for me.

Follow Your Gut!!! if something doesn't seem right for you or feel right go with your gut. if you think your child would be best Breastfed, Go for it. If cloth diapering is best Go for it. Personaly I use both cloth and disposable depending on finances that week. I am currently breastfeeding my 3 month old and did breastfeed my 22 month old for 12 months. My 6 and 4 yr old sons were not breastfed as long due to unforseen and un-deniable challenges. Should I feel guilty for doing what was best for my family and my own sanity? I think not! We as mother's need to band together and support each other cause its an awful world we are raising our children to face!!

Ashley - posted on 06/22/2009

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i totally agree, i am a single mother of a four year two year old and 4 day old, people are way to quick to tell you what needs to be fixed. When honestly put into the same situation they may not do what they are telling you is the best way to handle the matter. All parents need support not critisum to get through helping these children grow to be good honest loyal people.

Kim - posted on 06/22/2009

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Well said Amber, my thought on the matter is sometimes we are not looking for an unwanted opinion but some support in knowing that we are not alone. being a first time Mom, I have been critisized by even non-parents.. Joiing sites like this help me to know I am doing what I can and moving in the right direction.. not one piece of advice works for everyone and you ca be diplomatic in your advice :)

Donna - posted on 06/22/2009

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Totally agree, its not nice wen sum1 makes u feel like a bad parent, every1 has different views on how 2 bring up a child but theres no wrong way about it. Every1 likes bein given advice an pointers but no1 likes bein told wat 2 do or not do. Young mums also get a raw time of it, i was 19 wen i had my son but i look alot younger an there was alot of ppl who looked down at me even sum older ladies who wud make sly comments but iv proved them wrong cuz my son is a very bright n clever boy an iv dun a pretty good job 4 a 'YOUNG MUM' All we need is advice not a lecture! x

Kathy - posted on 06/22/2009

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To each their own. It is a crazy world as it is. Then trying to raise a child in it can be pretty scary. I feel for all mothers of young children today. Mine are 22 and 18. Parenting has not stop but has gone to the next level. Keep your family close to you and do your best its amazing how wonderful they turn out even when you think you have screwed up at times. Good luck to all.

Liesel - posted on 06/22/2009

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Well said. We all do or have done our best and be being judged is often not what we need.

Krystle - posted on 06/21/2009

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Im sure most of us teach or children, if they dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all......So why cant the adults do the same???

Amanda - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting Kathy:

I just joined this site and my kids are 13, 20 and 23. Most of you have little ones but I'll tell you this is just the beginning for you. Parenting never stops no matter what age. You will always question "how is my parenting going to affect my child?" . I'm here to say we all make mistakes. Every family is different with different beliefs. I agree with Amber, motherhood is challenging and when we are young and planning our family I'll be alot of mom's don't think past those first few baby years. It is a challenging job and the most important one a women can take on because it is 24/7 for the rest of our lives. I have wonderful kids but as I'm still raising the youngest I worry more about getting it right, making the right decisions for us and for him. Anyone else out there with teenagers?


hey I have 3 kids (2 biological) 11 months, 5 years and almost 18 years. I must say that raising a teen has been the most challenging but in just 2 days she will be walking across that stage and accepting her HS diploma with a $1000 scholarship to one of the best universities in the country. It took a lot of hard work from her, my self and my husband for her to get to this point. we have been raising her for 4 years and while we have not had her forever there was a lot of damages to undo and it was very challenging at times.



I am proud of her, she is drug free, a virgin and embraces modesty and education. she has come a long way from that withdrawn 14 yr old goth girl that she use to be.



even though she is about to enter a new chapter in her life I do not feel that are work is done. there is still at least 4 years of university to help her through.



as a mom of kids in their twenties how do you know when it is time to let go and step back? when do we stop helping with home work and setting a curfew ect?

Patrica - posted on 06/21/2009

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i am a mum of two my oldest is eight years of age i coudnt breast feed due to a cndition my daughter thrieved on baby milk and was very big and strong my second daughter is nearlt 13 weeks and is on formula milk as well and is getting big both my children where ands still are on naormal nappies premature nappies they aint had nappy rash or nothing

Patrica - posted on 06/21/2009

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hi there i agrre with you i to have just had my second baby and second time round is just as hard as the first time round as my other daughter is eight now i felt first time round for me was easier i wouldnt give my children up for know one

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