what should i do?

Amber - posted on 08/07/2012 ( 136 moms have responded )

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what should i do? im in love with my baby's father, but i found out he has cheated with me when i was pregnant with his child. he has cheated with more then 5 girls behind my back. but i still love him & happy with him. but i just cant forget about how he broke my heart what should i do? this is my first child i had with him. he adores his daughter. and he acts like he loves me and cares about me. but i just cant forget what he has done to me. :( any answers please and thank u.

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Dove - posted on 08/07/2012

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If he's cheated with more than FIVE girls.... RUN far, far away from this man! A one night stand or single affair in a moment/time of weakness could potentially be understandable (though never acceptable) and I could see the two of you possibly working through that.

This man, however, sounds like a habitual cheater and I don't believe there is any cure for that. He probably doesn't have a clue what real love even IS if he is capable of doing this.

Sorry. If he's a good father hopefully the two of you will be able to work together on deciding custody/visitation issues without too much of a fight, but this is not a man I would ever even DREAM of attempting to continue a relationship with....

Amy - posted on 08/08/2012

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Of course he's going to tell you he was joking, he wants to be able to continue what he's doing. Leave this sorry excuse for a man, go get tested for STD's because obviously you have unprotected sex with him and he's probably doing it with a handful of other people. And finally find a good counselor to help you build up your self esteem, no woman should feel like this is the best thing for them! Good luck.

Hilary - posted on 08/08/2012

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First off you can't love anyone else till u love yourself and if your with someone who cheats one once or twice but multiple times that is total disrespect to you!!! You comes first! Sharing a child doesn't equal love although it may feel like it trust me beenn there done that 3 times!!! I am now a single mom of three kids!!! My first husband cheated over and over I thought I couldn't breath without him---- he killed himsefl in 2006. My second marriage ended in divorce me filing once he struck my child--- I have a daughter with him--- all these 10 yrs did was make me stronger as a woman and a mother a person. I grew closer to God am going back to college to get my RN degree work full time and am on no help. I have a townhouse and a great helpful family who loves all of us. Most important I love me!! The way I am!! I know I don't need a man to feel complete but it took 10 yrs and a lot of hard lessons heart breaks and tears and then submissions to fully understand I am perfect the way I am and the right man will see that and respect me. You need you first and foremost and then the right man will come along who will love honor and respect you and never cheat on u!!! Cheating is never ok!!!! Plus remember all the diseases in this world! Respect yourself and let him go! In the end it will be the best thing u ever did!!! I know I did!

Jocque - posted on 08/08/2012

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If you have to ask you already know, Leave NOW!!

Hopefully you are gone already.

Cherish - posted on 08/07/2012

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If you can't forgive him or trust him then it will never work between you two.
People that cheat that much have issues w/themselves,it is not really about sex...
I think that if you get rid of him,that he may grow up and change in time,but if he never changes,at least if you are not with him it is not your problem

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136 Comments

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Laura - posted on 09/12/2012

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This isn't a made-for-TV-movie, this is your life. Get out as soon as you can. There are shelters if you don't have a safe place with family/friends. You may have to relocate temporarily. As others have said, he does not respect you or your feelings and as long as you continue to be his (loving) doormat, nothing will change. That you have actually brought your question here shows that you are not happy with him. Get happy for yourself and your child, and that usually means dumping the source of your distress.

Whitney - posted on 09/12/2012

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He will cheat again, sad to say I'm sorry but my honest opinion here is leave him don't go back show him you don't need him. Forget him.

Helen - posted on 09/08/2012

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Hi Amber. Sorry but I agree with all the ladies saying leave. He's clearly not got enough respect for you I'm sad to say, you deserve better :) Its a massive brave thing to end a relationship but think of it as showing your kids that women/people do not deserve to be treated like this, its not the norm and its not right for you, you'll always be wondering. Lots and lots of luck x

Lisa L - posted on 09/03/2012

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Amber,

As someone who has gone through this as well, leaving is never easy. Yes it will hurt especially if you love them but staying only makes you the doormat. Mine did this to me more than 8 times during are marriage. I only knew about the three I found out the rest after the fact, after I left. My children heard me cry, they saw me sad and alone while there dad was ALWAYS gone. They saw there dad have "delusions" of stuff that is a nightmare in itself. I left for my sanity and theirs. It does get easier. You deserve someone that will love you and only you and your children, not the bar or the bar fly's that are there for "fun" and there for easy pickings. Cheating is cheating whether its is sexting or in person you deserve more than that.

Linda - posted on 08/28/2012

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do not go bad to him i know how hard it is but if he really truley loved you he wouldnt of cheated on you so just tell him its over and spend time with the people that love u for who u are and foreget about him please for you and your child dont go back i love u girl and sooooooooooooooooooo does everyone else around u gooooooooooood luccccccccccccccck

Amanda - posted on 08/24/2012

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Once a cheater, always a cheater. Obviously he has cheated multiple times and has no guilt from it. Doesn't seem to care how it affects you or breaks your heart. Trust has been broken and its REALLY hard to get back afterwards. I have been there. It sucks wondering where he is, who he is with and what he is doing. You will drive yourself nuts. If he can't be faithfull to you than you need to find someone who will treat you like a queen. You deserve better!!! Best wishes with whatever your decision!!

Amanda - posted on 08/22/2012

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Ive been there and am still with my man for going on 8 years now. I've had my moments but I still love him with all my heart and can't imagine my life without him. Pray to God about it. He will give you your answer. I have learned to Forgive and Forget..truly. Good luck and God Bless

KATHERINE - posted on 08/20/2012

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Amber your wasting your time, don't know how old you are but they'll be somebody for you out there someday. You sound young and have a future ahead of you, just try to make the best for you and your daughter and don't jump into something to fast, no worth it. A cheater always a cheater. He has been cheating with 5 girls what are you thinking, how about transmitted diseases out there??? Ha? How about your daughter that you have to think about. Hate to sound cruel but it is the truth. My husband cheated on me 3 times already, get it, once they do it never stops. Good luck, think about it.

Ashley - posted on 08/19/2012

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Yea its hard, but in the long run you and your baby will have a much better future without him. Besides really what are you and your baby to him if he can go behind your back and do the things he did. My dad is like that and to tell you the truth i am glad my mom left his sorry self when i was young. your better than this man so get one who really deserves you and your child.

Tia - posted on 08/18/2012

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I have creed/strong opinion about situations Luke the one you are dealing with. "Just because you love someone, does not mean you should be together!" There are circumstances in which you should give your significant other another chance, but you only know about the five times he cheated.

There could & most likely are more occasions that he has been unfaithful. The world we live in, is riddled with STD's.... many that can not be cured. You are enabling him, and I'm sure that is not your attention. Just as you are, he is human too.

It sounds like he is void of commitment to you, does not put your feelings and needs first, and is unworthy of your trust and devotion. I have had the personal experience/opportunity in my life. Thus, I am able to share the harsh reality with

you.

His decisions to lay down with another, proves that no matter how much you love him (or he says he loves you), your devotion is not cherished. You have a child to worry about, and set proper examples for her/him. Staying together for the sake of the child is not the solution.

It is ideal for a child to grow up, in a cohesive parental unit. It is 2012 now & you don't need an unreliable back stabbing man to bring you down. I'm sure you've cried your heart out over the situation, but he does not deserve your tears or empathy. You do not need to be together, to raise your child.

I have a husband and two children, I was raised by my step-father since just before my fourth birthday

Tausha - posted on 08/16/2012

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Amber....I know this is not a laughing matter but I just said to my self....Haha...only cause been there done that wore the t-shirt and all that!!!!! But u can't really do wat other ppl say...cause you have to do wat u feel in ur heart!!!! Think of it this way....u can for give him....but not forget!!!!



My oldest daughter's dad cheated on me all the time but I had no where to go or ne one to turn to....soo I just had to wait till I could find an exit!!!! Which in the end caused me to loose my daughter (long story) but I did wat was best....he would put his hands on me in front of her, his mom and I got in to a fist fight...it was bad...so I know where ur comin from bout the whole cheating thing...so my advice to u is do what u feel in ur heart!!!! If u think u can learn to look past it all and love him for him then wonderful!!!! All I can say is good luck and god bless!!!!

Amanda - posted on 08/16/2012

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While it's really hard to say what you would do unless your in that situation. I'm kinda in the same boat as you are. I've been together with my kids's dad for 14 years, we've only been married though for 4 years. We have four children together right now. We both cheated on each other when we were younger. The last time i cheated was 9 years ago, but i did do it alot back then. My husband cheated on me about 5/6 years ago before we got married. At the time we had two kids when he cheated on me the last time that i know of anyways. It's very hard to trust him and I just haven't forgotten it. I did marry him though cause i loved him and wanted to be with him. We have trust issues still and we are still together. No I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater because of my self. All I can say is you have to do what you think is right, not what everyone else tells you or thinks is right cause unless they've been in your shoes they don't know what they would do. They all say they would never stay, but you know what I bet you said the same thing at one point and time and i know i did. If it's not meant to be then it wont be and if its is then it will be. It's got to be your choice.

Joy - posted on 08/15/2012

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He has real issues. I would recommend not being with him as he obviously does not respect you (no matter what he says). He can still be a good father but every time you are tempted by him, remind yourself that you are better than what he is giving you and you deserve more. You don't have to forget what he has done but you do eventually need to forgive him. That doesn't mean that you need to take him back as a partner but it will allow you to give your daughter the freedom to love her dad.
If he has cheated on you, he is NOT acting like he loves and cares about you. Think about battered wives. They say the exact same thing between the beatings. only difference is that he is emotionally beating you. If you continue to be with him, think that your actions may also be sending a message to your daughter that this is what she can exepct from a relationship. If you want better for your daughter, then take action now and dump him. Every time you are tempted, remember the message you are sending to your daughter and trust me, you won't be tempted for long.

Sandra - posted on 08/15/2012

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He sounds like he loves u but doEnt respect u I'm sure your in love but are u happy children can read our feelings she will be stressed. Feeling your misery

Tamecia - posted on 08/15/2012

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Run...run...RUN! Get out now! My husband knew from the day we met that cheating was unacceptable! I can't waste my time wondering where he is and what he's doing and with who. I have 2 kids to raise. Luckily, he has a heart and loves me and our 2 girls enough to ward off the temptation. You can't stay for your child's sake, you have to leave for their sake.

Jenifer - posted on 08/15/2012

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Get rid of him. He made his bed he can lay in it. Clearly he doesnt care about your feelings or health or he wouldnt b messrn around. Ss far as ur child goes , thats what the court system is for. U dont hafta keepem from her. But u do hafta take care of u cause he's not gonna.

Rachel - posted on 08/15/2012

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#1 he's lying about the texts only being jokes. I have lots of male friends and not one of them would text that to another woman when they are in a relationship with a woman they love. He is using you. He has the best of both worlds: he has all the single sex he wants and gets to come home to you.
#2 he will not change. He's already proven that by repeatedly cheating with multiple women.
#3 YOU deserve better! Kick his sorry butt to the curb. Pack his shit and have it sitting next to the front door when he gets home. Let the other women have him.
I'm sure he'll be warming another's bed that same night. I know it is hard because I packed my stuff and left a man I was deeply in love with and shared a child with because he did not treat me the way I deserved. I spent years thinking he had finally changed and we were talking about working things out when I was at his place and another woman showed up. It was hard and I've had a few relationships since then, but I'm happier now being single than I've been in years. Good luck

Brandi - posted on 08/15/2012

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I went through this situation with my ex. We were together for 5 1/2 years and have 2 kids and he cheated twice (that I know of, I suspect it was more but he only admitted to. 2 and thats because he was caught). I forgave him the first time because I believe that everyone is entitled to a second chance (well I used to) and he turned around and betrayed my trust again. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did, especially with 2 kids, but its also the best thing I ever did. A man that cheats or even jokes about things like that doesn't respect you and probably isn't going to change. And trust me him being a good father isn't going to do anything to restore your faith in him. I feel like if you do stay you are really going to get to enjoy the relationship because you will always be checking up on him, and take it from someone else who's been there that is not happiness and it is no way to live. Also, even if you don't realize it, it is effecting your daughter. She can sense stress and the fact that you are always worried and you always being stressed really affects her quality of life. That was my turning point, because I have 2 daughters and even though they were young when I left I knew that staying with a man who didn't think enough of me to be faithful was not an example that I was willing to set, even if that man was their father. It's not easy by any means, but I also know that my girls are happier now that I am in a place where I am happy. Just letting you know my experience with this situation, I hope it helps.

Jenni - posted on 08/15/2012

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Well if it was me i cudnt forgive,id always have it in my head dat he wud do it again,u will always love the father of ur child or children but once da trust is gone it wud be very hard to make it work, no point trying for ur child's sake, u need to do it for ur own sake. Try relationship counselling to find out wats going on with him to why he strayed least den ul no da truth and if counselling don't work least ul no u tried everything stead of wondering wat if hope does helps and it works out for u x

Sha'nese - posted on 08/14/2012

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Amber just because he is your child's father you really dnt have to be with him. As long as he is a good father like you say, then why are you so worried about leaving him. Since he has treated you so bad? You can always find better than how he has treated you. :)

Rebecca - posted on 08/14/2012

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I know what it is... Men will always be men as they say....They are too proud and will never admit they are cheating..., even if you caught them in the act. Suggest PRAYERS would help. pray for decernment... Ask that you be enlightened, that you be given guidance, and direction what to do. Ask yourself... Will you be able to move on without him? No matter what you hear on what to do.... At the end of the day your decision is YOURS. Will you be brave enough to face the consequences behind the decision you are about to make. THINK more than twice (3X) before you jump in boiling water that would scar and hurt you..... PRAYERS worked with me. Nothing to loose if you try.

Pamela - posted on 08/14/2012

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Start with forgiveness and move on to professional counselling. You will need to work through his reasons for cheating and find the cause of the actions in order for him to WORK to gain your trust again.

LOVE heals all wounds, but it is NOT am emotion. It is the recognition that we are NOT separate from one another. Yet it also recognizes RESPECT when it is present. If he LOVES you then respect follows. Having sexual intercourse with severl other women behind your back is NOT RESPECT!

Seek counselling to find pout what his TRUE feelings for you are all about. he may not even know himself!

The highest and best to you!

Jessica - posted on 08/14/2012

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Would you want your daughter with a guy like that? She will follow in your footsteps. Find someone worthy of you.

Gene Ann - posted on 08/14/2012

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You deserve better treatment than the abuse you are getting! Your daughter needs a Daddy who respects her mother, plus she deserves a better example because she will pick a selfish loser like her father if that is the only example she sees. Both you and your daughter need someone that you can trust, and he has demonstrated that he is untrustworthy.



He may be saying that he loves you, but his actions are screaming otherwise. Go by what he does, not by what he says. IF he really loved you, he will wouldn't be sleeping around. Sorry this sounds harsh, but he's adept at saying whatever it takes to keep getting what he wants, which is his sexual desires satisfied. Furthermore, you will forever be exposing yourself to whatever disease any of his partners might have. You need to be tested for STD's immediately... and regularly, if you stay with him, which I wouldn't recommend.

WarriorsOfWeight.com - posted on 08/14/2012

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Someone who says to me "he acts like he loves me" is not convincing me she is convinced her partner loves her. The hardest thing in the world is relationship. What has this man done to show you he is sorry for cheating? What does he do that shows he loves you in the way you want?

Take an old-school piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle. Write out what he does that shows love to you. Write out what he does that shows no love to you. Write out what you wish he would do to show love.

Figure out what is your wish and what is true. It's tough.

If someone cheated more than one time, it is likely that person will do it again. If you are being treated like a queen and that makes up for the heartache you say you can't forget, slowly get out of it. If you are not being treated like a queen, quickly get out of it.

Or go to a counselor. See how open he is about the cheating. If he is not open, dump him. If he is, think about your own heart. You deserve happiness. Being around him will create poor self-esteem in you. There are many others who will love you the way you deserve.

Good luck.

Diane Gold
www.warriorsofweight.com

Danielle - posted on 08/14/2012

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I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. The problem is that when we have a kid with someone most of the time we put up with a hell of a lot more then other relationships. Here are the facts

Though... He has cheated on you, is probably still cheating on you and is going to continue to cheat on you. Don't ever expect anyone to change, we are who we are. So The question you need to ask yourself... And only yourself is not whether you can forgive him this time, but if you can forgive him for it over an over again for the rest of your life. Or are you going to settle with feeling like you aren't worth enough (which you are!!). It's up to you to decide, no one can make this decision for you. But you know the facts and you know this is not changing. Can you live with this forever? Or do you think that you could find better? And seriously your child will benefit more from

Seein you being treated properly AND feeling good about yourself then feeling unworthy. Lead by example. A psychologist I know once said take care of yourself first, then your relationship. If these are strong and healthy then your child can live in a stable environment where they will learn to thrive.

Alisha - posted on 08/14/2012

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It's so easy to judge when someone has not been in that kind of situation so you have to do what is right for you. If you feel you can not trust him and feel worried everyday, leave. Why should you have to live your life feeling like that? You only live once, you need to be happy. If you plan to leave, PLEASE go get legal custody before you do leave. That way you will have your daughter until it goes to court if he fights for custody.

Stacey - posted on 08/14/2012

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really, do really have to ask? get respect for yourself. you deserve a lot better. you'll never find it if he is hanging around. not to mention the peace of mind you will have when he's gone. your daughter knows when your upset and things aren't right. put your energy into your daughter and forget about a guy. the right one will come along and love you and only you.
I have been through this to, I did the same thing for a long time but I look back at all the wasted time. life is short. I am now married to the man of my dreams and I had an 8 month child at home when we met. :) he came to me, I wasn't looking.

Jennifer - posted on 08/14/2012

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true, I feel the same way because I went through the same thing with my sons father who is now in Jail. We had some hard times while I was pregnant with our now 5 month old and we both did things we shouldnt have but we had this passionate love for one another and we just could not leave each other alone. I left town and a few weeks later he went to jail and now that he has his head on straight and isnt drinkin and doing drugs anymore he sees what he has and what a dumb ass he was. And now when he gets out were going to share our little happy family because we knew we had to be together and we stuck around through the hardest of times.

T - posted on 08/14/2012

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You have to either move on with your life or forget about it. Letting this bother you is not going to help you in your relationship or in other areas of your life. He probably does love you and your daughter but the question is - is that enough for you to get through this. Only you can determine what you want to do but you either have to be at peace with him doing whatever he will do while you stay with him or leaving him behind as boyfreind (and finding someone else that will not do as he did) and keeping a good relationship with him as the father of your daughter while you raise your daugther together.

Helen - posted on 08/14/2012

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Just want you to know Im a psychology professional as well and If you stay with a guy who continues to cheat, your daughter will get into the same type of relationship.

Helen - posted on 08/14/2012

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Tell him that everyone has a higher power to answer to and its not right for him to cheat. Ask him why he feels the need to cheart on you if he loves you? Tell him that this is his last chance. If he cheats one more time he will lose you AND HIS BABY. Then leave if he cheats..do it for the baby. Dont think this is normal because its not. I have a VERY hott husband that other girls come onto him ALL the time. He doesnt cheat. Same with me, Im not hald bad and Ive got personality. I stopped going to laundrymats because guys kept trying to touch me. I only want my husband.

Margaret - posted on 08/14/2012

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Wow that is hard for me...but what ever u decide I wish u all the luck in the world. Has he ever denied doing it bc that's bad!

Teresa - posted on 08/14/2012

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Let him go and pray for strength. He will do it again and why does he still have those text messages...that's disrespectful. Did he save them or is he still doing the same thing? The reason you can forgive but not forget is because you still have your doubts about him. So many of us women never listen to that voice that is deep inside that wants to protect us. Do you really believe that he won't do it again? What if your daughter grows older and accepts men treating her like that cause mommy puts up with it? Think about your life. Is going to a doctor or getting HIV gonna make you listen to that voice? Live for not only yourself but also for your daughter. Set up boundries on visitation and get a peace of mind when you do leave. I'm not gonna lie its going to hurt and he will use lies and weakness to get back in. Give yourself some time (I did a year) to focus on your daughter, growing, and healing so when a MAN enters your life, you can tell him what you expect out of the relationship and you will accept nothing less. God Bless!

Sandra - posted on 08/14/2012

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He isn't grown up and will continue. He will see it that you accepted it and that it is totally okay to keep hurting you. If it hurts, its not good. Send him packing. Maybe in the future he will mature and then you two will work. Till then you are teaching your child that it is okay.

User - posted on 08/14/2012

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Being that you cant forget about how he broke your heart means that you will never trust him any more, every time you will be seeing him as a cheater and the more you will be heart broken. Analyse the situation well and find out if that is true or they are just jokes as he is saying before you make final decissions so that you dont regret after words.

Kay - posted on 08/14/2012

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Just do what I did I left him and made him realize what he had and he will change his life if he truly loves you. As for your daughter if hes a good man you guys can come up with a agreement on when to he can see her and for how long. You dont need to get the court involved if you plan on going back to him.

Rita - posted on 08/14/2012

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You may love him but if you can't trust him, it will never work. Please don't do this to yourself, or to your child?! Walk away. It may be hard in the beginning, but you'll be glad you did, in the end.

Corinne - posted on 08/13/2012

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Please check out the website survivinginfidelity.com you will get lots of advice & support with your situation there. I wish you peace.

Caitlyn - posted on 08/13/2012

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You say you love this guy. Why? Is he attentive, does he treat you with respect and admiration? Can you trust him and raise a child with him? Has he committed to being with you and only you? Does he make you feel wonderful, beautiful and worthy? Does he make you feel like a better person? Does he help out with your child, contribute to expenses, do the laundry, make dinner, rub your back, organize the grocery shopping?

You and your daughter deserve this kind of treatment. Don't hand your love out for anything less. Men, if they are worthy, can rise to the occasion.

Sarah - posted on 08/13/2012

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If you don't know if you will be able to forgive him, than you will never really be able to trust him. If you have no trust...you won't be able to have a real relationship with him. You will always be thinking if he is lying to you or what else he is keeping from you... Not a real good foundation to any kind of relationship. I say get out!! Once a cheater...always a cheater! It's always hard to see when you think you love someone but if he truly loves you back he wouldn't cheat on you! Oh anyone that gets caught cheating will tell you that the texting is all fun and games and doesn't really mean anything but it does or it eventually leads to other things! He probably likes the attention and will eventually want more of it! You shouldn't have to fight for someone to love you or for them to give you their full attention!!

Amber - posted on 08/13/2012

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you do not need to be with a man who cheats on you he can still be a part of your child's life without you being with him!!

Markeita - posted on 08/12/2012

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If u forgave him put it in the past but u won't ever forget so my advice as a mother of 4 by one man use what u have been thru and keep ur antennas up for the signs of him possibly doing it again and continue to work on the relationship the situation has made u stronger and smarter believe that ! Ur intuition never lies listen to it

Trevis - posted on 08/12/2012

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Believe me you will be better off without him because if you stay you won't feel like you can trust him (which it sounds like you can't) you will stress yourself out wondering what he is doing and who is he with. That is not good for you or your child ( yes somehow kids can sense when you are uneasy, depending on your child's age). Leave him bc it doesn't sound like he knows how to be faithful and why would you stick around to let this happen to you again. There are plenty more guys out there who will love you and your baby!

Leslie - posted on 08/12/2012

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You should think of the example that this man is setting for your children. Even though you might love him and be able to live with it, do you really want your kids thinking that this type of behavior is the norm or should be accepted by them in their relationships? If the answer to what you want for your children is that you would never want them to go through what you are going through then you have your answer.

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