What should I do n say to that

Naomi - posted on 08/29/2012 ( 105 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are fighting because while I was doing chores and at d same time taking care of our 1 y/o baby he stayed in front d tv playing a video game. After long argument d last thing he said to me "And I see how you are, I've lived with other women before like my mom and my sister and my exes. They don't ask men to do chores for em. They do it themselves, they realize that as women they're responsible for keeping the household clean"  



I'm a full time nurse 7am-4pm 5x/wk. He works 7pm-7am 3x/wk. We have 2 kids 1 and 8 yr olds.

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Kristie - posted on 08/30/2012

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Tell him that he is right, keeping house is your job, but earning enough money to support the house is HIS job. Since he is unable to do his job as a man without your help, it's only right that he help you as well.

Dove - posted on 08/29/2012

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Tell him that you aren't his Mommy and unless he wants to go BACK to Mommy... he can help you out either with the house, his kid, or both. Men like him make me want to hurt someone!

Michelle - posted on 08/30/2012

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This is why I make my boys do work around the house now. They are 11 and 8.5 and they do their own laundry, load the dishwasher and put all their clothes away.



I'm not going to raise boys that grow into men like your husband. That's where it has all started though, the mother's that do everything for their children aren't helping them get ready for real life.

Kimberly - posted on 09/01/2012

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He lacks basic respect for you and all women. This is not likely to change. I would advise him he can participate in counseling to change this situation or hit the road. You are a nurse and can support yourself and the children just fine without him. He has been allowed to act like a child and has gotten to enjoy it. Time for him to change and man up. Also, he is showing his immaturity by playing video games all night and ignoring his children. My ex did this and now his adult children don't have much to do with him because he was not there for them when they were little.

Staci - posted on 09/01/2012

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If it's your job to clean the house why do you have a second job as a nurse? Wouldn't it be HIS job to bring in the income and pay the bills? If he needs your help with that, then he can help you with what he says is YOUR job. What a dumbass.

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Debi - posted on 09/14/2012

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In response to Laura: That's really not fair to suggest that a SAHM is responsible for all of the household chores. When the bread-winner walks through the door, is he or she "off" for the rest of the day? Then the SAHM should have the rest of the day as well by that "logic". I don't get "adults" who see something that needs to be done and just walk on by and wait for someone else to do it. If you're holding your baby and the baby needs a clean diaper, get up off of your butt and change the diaper. If you are finished with dinner, put your dishes in the sink. If you see clothes in the wash, put them in the dryer. Don't worry about whose job or whose turn it is, just do what needs to be done. If you can't contribute to the household that you live in, you may find yourself looking for a different place to live. That's the way my house runs. I have kicked 2 jerks to the curb and now I have a husband who works and does what he can around the house. I do everything I possibly can to make his life easier and he does the same for me. I am a SAHM.

Jane - posted on 09/13/2012

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Hallow Naomi, I am so sorry for the fight. BUt why do you have to fight? is it physical or talk? what ever it is is not worth it. Just do what you can and what is important, e.g taking care of your baby and of course your full time work. No work no gain that's the rule. Your hubby should know marriage is a commitment. Most importantly You should seek guidance to the originator of marriage. Jehovah God, his book of wisdom(Bible - if you believe in it) is the best counsellor. Otherwise kip doing your good work without fight.

PK - posted on 09/11/2012

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I am sorry to hear that! Please don't fight because it will not resolve anything. What you need to do is train him to do a chore just like you would do to a child. Ask him if he could help you do a small chore in the beginning...and then train him for more without him realizing it.

Laura - posted on 09/07/2012

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i'd make it clear to him that you're not his mom, his sister or one of his exes! point out that If you were a stay at home mom/wife then, yes, you would be responsible for all the housework, but you ARENT a stay at homer, therefore he's responsible for just as much of the housework as you are... and your marriage is a PARTNERSHIP! you're supposed to share the responsibilities! but the bottom line is, you bring home the bacon just as much as he does which means he's just as responsible as you are to cook the bacon (so to speak). women are only responsible for being the sole household chore doers if a) they're a maid , b) they're a stay at home wife/mother in my opinion.

Dixie - posted on 09/05/2012

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Maybe that is why they are exes. I try to do everything inside, he does everything outside. Although he does take out the trash, sometimes cooks, and does his own laundry. You see he has the winter off, no mowing, so he helps me inside too. It is a great marriage when you help each other.

Grace - posted on 09/05/2012

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If raising childen is simple give him a chance to try it out. gie him th baby after you have delivered it. Let us wake up and fight for our rights.

Chinyendu - posted on 09/05/2012

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I'm a stay at home mom, yet my hubby helps with arranging the messed up

rooms when he's home, makes his food a times and he brings home the check.

It hurts my feelings when l read how some men are treating their wives/girl friends.

Do the ones u can and leave the rest for some other time. It's really difficult working

and also taking care of kids/home. The Lord is ur strenght and I wish u all the best.

Grace - posted on 09/05/2012

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At times we lookat the outside part of some one's behaviour. Your hubby's training was that men sit and women work and ensure their husbands are confitable. To me its a gender issue that we need to challenge, at times you dont need to urgue with him. eat out and come back and pretend you are sick---will he sleep hungry? The way i see how we can end this gender violence is the way we train our sons. Are they learning to cook and clean up or this is done by their sisters and our selves? If yes then our daughters in law will suffer the way we are suffering. I have found grace in praying for my hubby, these days after a long struggle, he can do some thing at home. so pray for him, teach your sons to work and then dont be allowed to be abused............Grace

Sally - posted on 09/04/2012

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what you need to do is go on "strike" dont clean up after him ,dont fix his meals or do his laundry, for a few days or so and have him do his laundry cooking & cleaning & see what happens ,but dont forget to tell him about it,let him know about it tell him that he too lives in the house and that this is NOT the 50's where the women did all the house work & took care of the kids while he went to work, you also work and are just as tired (if not more) as he is and that you NEED his help,remind him that you are NOT his mother or sister or exes you are his wife , and right now the only ones who have any right of walking all over you are your 2 kids. this is where a compromise comes in handy,split the house work & bills evenly

that way there is no arguing over who has to pay what bill, or you have more chores than he does, right now it seems like there are no adults in the house. does the 8 yr old do any "chores"? if not have him/ her make their bed every morning if he/she doesnt do that already, you dont want your kids to grow up thinking that it is ok to treat women this way, remiond your husband that your kids do see & hear every thing he says & does & will eventually repeat his actions or words and that is not a god thing to happen.the best thing is a compromise so comprimise,and trust me i know what it is like to grow up with your parents always arguing,it is NOT fun, and if you are arguing privately trust me its not private,because they will pick it up one way or another, so to recap COMPROMISE

Melissa - posted on 09/04/2012

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Tell him to grow up! If he wants to play video games all day, he could go back to mommy as far as im concerned. To be a partner means sharing chores or else u would be better alone. Good luck! :)

Jessica - posted on 09/04/2012

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My husband and I had this same discussion after our daughter was born. We ended up compromising. He would get up with the baby in the middle of the night for a week and it was my job to take care of dinner. The next week I would get up with the baby and he would make dinner. We would both share household chores because he saw how tired I was. We both work full time so he quickly realized how much work I was doing, and no energy left to even have a conversation with him. He would never compare his mother and I unless I was a stay at home mom. If he doesn't want to help you he can go home to his mom.

Vivian - posted on 09/04/2012

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Omg! I can't believe men like that still exists.men shld be aware that being a mom is a full time job without coffee breaks or vacations.

Alexis - posted on 09/04/2012

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Is he Mexican, cuz my husband's family is like that and whn my Guy gets like that I put my foot down and tell him if he doesn't like it show me it how it should be done and then don't clean for a while I have 3 kids 2,4, and 11. Leave him with the kids Tyne question him why the house isn't clean

Naomi - posted on 09/04/2012

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You know what, I am ALL for a man being a man but listen if you want to knock back to bible ages then I can stay my tail home and take care of children and house and YOU can make sure every bill is paid provide for us without my income since my only job is taking care of home. Now if I am contributing to the home financially, you need to contribute into taking care of it and the children. Men have lost their minds. If women are taking care of the house in every way, I'm sorry they are there for what? It's not fair. I would say just don't do ANYTHING in the house for a few weeks and see if he gets disgusted and cleans it up but there is no way you will want to live like that yourself. LOL.

Tina - posted on 09/04/2012

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number one don't do his laundry or cook him meals as he is now a big boy. If he can't help out a little with family stuff then he doesn't deserve the perks of being part of the family. You have to train him just as you would a child. My husband cooks a few nights a week and puts his own laundry away as I don't want him to do my laundry.

Elaina - posted on 09/04/2012

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I know the feeling. My husband is the same way. I don't have a job though and he is in the army. He comes home and doesn't want to help with anything. We have a 2 year old and in 6.5 months pregnant. Then he complains if I don't do dishes for a few days. He doesn't help clean or really help care for our daughter. His mom made him do dishes when he lived with her but as soon as we got married it stopped. He says he works all day and women belong in the kitchen. And that raising kids is not a hard job. It's not hard for him cuz he does nothing after he comes home.

Wendy - posted on 09/04/2012

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HE IS LAZY AND UNGREATFUL!!! IF YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK YOU ARE BETTER OFF BEING BY YOURSELF. HE NEEDS TO GROW AND AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!

Alishaa - posted on 09/04/2012

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All men are same its nothing new well u should talk to him and tell u r human too n u get tired too.One more thing u should start asking for small favours first and tell ur kids if they want something they can ask their dad too.Take care

Karen - posted on 09/03/2012

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My husband believes that housework should be shared - if he wanted a house keeper or baby sitter he'd work more to pay for them. A marriage is a partnership - he sounds like he doesn't know what he's got & needs to learn to appreciate you as a person, not a slave. You deserve to be respected at least enough for him to look after the kids while you're doing everything else.

You both work so the housework should be shared - the 8yo may be able to give you a hand too - my 3yo currently loves helping out (it started with Daddy letting her help wash things & make them shine - sounds like child labour, but every little bit helps!)

Good Luck! I hope everything gets sorted out soon :)

Suzy - posted on 09/03/2012

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Run, he'll never change! Regardless of children that you have. Unfortunately, love blinded you before you got married or you thought you could change him. The only person that wants to change is the person themselves, and from the sound of it he isn't even near that boat of change. Honestly, as yourself "Would I want my children to marry someone that is like him?" Most likely, not. What they see, is what they will mimic. You only have one life, why be miserable? If he talks like that, he has absolutely no desire to change. It's not worth the stress in your and your childrens life. Let you new mission be to try to figure who can help you until you can function on your own. There are people that will actually help you once you surrender your thoughts and what is going on in your life. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, we all have something that we go through that is rough in life.

I wish you luck and some guidance and not to fall back into what most people have "the comfort zone." Love, marriage and family has nothing to do with fear, anger, stress and anxiety. If you feel any if those, it's time to start looking what you can do to create peace, love and happiness with you and your children.

Think long and hard about what you want in life and go that direction.

Good luck!~

Eva-Lotta - posted on 09/03/2012

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That is terrible! A household is run together no matter how much or how little one works. My partner works the most (I only do a couple of hours per week) and yes I do most of the chores (as it is the logical thing), I cook dinner and then my partner does the dishes. We help each other with all aspects and that is how it should be!

In the "old" days, it was the womans responsibility to be at home with the kids and run the house but times have changed.

He needs to get of his lazy rear end and help you! Good luck! You deserve only the best! :)

Paulina - posted on 09/03/2012

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Go on strike!! Just take of you and the kids! Don't do anything for him. Cooking, laundry or anything. Heck, Don't speak to him. When he ask what's going on just tell him you're to busy. If he doesn't like it go his his mommy!!

Angie - posted on 09/03/2012

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Ok.... If I were in your place, he would have needed medical assistance...



I'm sorry to say that I don't believe he'll ever change since this seems to have been imbedded in him. Thank his mother... You'll have to decide if this is something you're willing and able to live with.

Ashley - posted on 09/02/2012

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Yeah that's a bit annoying for you I'm sure. It's not fair. You are more than justified in wanting him to help out, so do not back down or get manipulated by his comments. Be nice and respectful of course, I mean you can't force him to do anything but you certainly can set boundaries such as asking him to do laundry and if he refuses, state that you will no longer be washing his clothes. Or taking out the trash, and let it overflow to the point he gets irritated by it. Or let the dishes pile up (or just his- if he adds dirty dishes after you've already washed them after dinner). Or have just enough clean plates for you and your kids, so if he wants to eat, he can wash a plate. This is all of course after you've nicely expressed your desires and if he refuses, I'd tell him what you are and aren't going to do. I mean, you can't control him, but you can control your actions. Boundaries in Marriage: It's a great book.

Kathleen - posted on 09/02/2012

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I was a SAHM until our youngest was 3, then I worked part time. When he went to 1st grade I went full time. From the beginning , I told my hubby I was not super mom, and he had to pick a chore and keep it until I didn't work full time anymore. He chose the laundry, and is actually amazing at that job! We are empty nesters now, and I work part time again, but he still does the laundry, and he added dishes to his list. We always shop together. I still do the lions share of the cleaning, but feel I can ask him if I need help. That is what a partnership is, we work together to keep our home going. We have a large house and no cleaning service, I can't do it without him.

Your man needs a serious talking to about what a MAN does for his wife/partner!

Brenda - posted on 09/02/2012

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As far as I am aware a marriage is 50/50. If he is not willing to do his 50% perhaps he should pay a house keeper to do his part, if it is so offensive to him. You know, someone who does the laundry, or cleaning bathrooms. Other wise I would go on strike, which I did once, posters in the yard and all. For a week I did nothing, on the posters in the front yard I said honk if you can relate. Then I proceeded to watch sports channel. So if his thing is gaming take over the game, don't do anything but play the game and nothing more. No shopping, cleaning, cooking or mowing. Just gaming. Have fun if he says anything simply reply "I am protesting the way you treat me, when he is ready to negotiate the terms of his half of the marriage responsibility suitable to the partnership you are both in" well you do not have to do anything either. Door swings both ways. You don't have to be ugly about it, just firm. Say it sweetly but mean it. Just cook for you, just do your laundry, make your half of the bed not the whole bed. ECT. Cut half of the front yard leave his half. Remember be nice about it. Remind him you live him but it takes two to make a whole. Marrages are hardly convenient but they do represent two people's partnership for LIFE.

Sandy - posted on 09/02/2012

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hmmm maybe theres a reason he doesnt live with any of those women any more eh?

Anielyn - posted on 09/02/2012

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You are his wife, not his mother nor his sister. He doesn't pay to do household chores!

So he should help!

Tammy - posted on 09/02/2012

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Tell him you aren't his mother and not his maid. Don't love him that much and don't get paid enough.

Gerri - posted on 09/02/2012

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Then I would reply that I'd be more than willing to stay home Full time and do what "women do" if he would provide like " men do" for all of your financial needs. Can he completely cover both of your incomes and then some? No? Then pick up a broom and get to sweeping! Thank you!

Ngaire - posted on 09/02/2012

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Do you share looking after the children? I bet you do all the work there too. If you do you are actually working more than him! These are modern times - not the dark ages and he needs to pull his weight. If he wants a woman at home raising the kids and doing all the housework then he should get a job that can support that lifestyle.

His exes are exes for a reason and maybe his mum and sister are incredibly wonderful but as his partner you are offering a fuller relationship (my husband use to say things about how great his mother was, so I told him, "if your mother's so great, go and sleep with her". He never referenced his mother again during fights). He needs to step up and be the man of the house, not another child for you to take care of.

Stand strong

Cindy - posted on 09/02/2012

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He needs to go to Daddy/ man training!! It's HIS house, kids, messes well as yours!! Get him out of that state of mind with Therapy or get out cause he ain't changing!

Sara - posted on 09/02/2012

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My hubby and I had a great marriage. For a while I worked and he did everything at home even took care of our son. I would do something very easy, focus on the kids and what is necessary for you and them and let him handle things on his own. Meaning laundry, ironing, meals, order, cleaning. Just focus on the kids and you, he will get the picture pretty soon when he runs out of clean clothes, when there is no food for him and can't find his own wallet. Then he needs to commit to share half and half responsibilities, nothing less, and even if he gets home earlier get the kids and cook. Good luck!

Sara - posted on 09/02/2012

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Absolutely gobsmacked that there are still men like this around. If it is your job to look after the home and children, then it is his job to provide enough money so you can give up work to do this. Looking after a home and children is a full time job in itself so if you are both sharing the full time income then you can both share the full time house keeping. Gotta think of what an role model you are being for your children.

Roxanna - posted on 09/02/2012

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I agree with all of you! Especialy the Mommy who said ignore his stuff! I used to work nights from 2-10pm, my husband worked 10am-8pm most days, my teen,17,would be home at 5pm & the youngest , 9 would get dropped off at 630pm. I would get home, the first few weeks and the girls would not have had dinner, becasue I "didn't" cook. No one was showered or finished with homework and hubby would be on facebook. So one night we had a family meeting and I laid down the ground rules.

This is my schedule: I get up at 5:45am to get the girls ready for school and make breakfast and drive them to school. I will get home, clean up the kitchen, from the night before, make dinner in the morning for the evening, do a few loads of laundry and then start getting ready for work. I get home at 10:30 and I still have dishes to do because no one did them, Daddy wants alone time and I just need a break! I don't get to bed until midnight!

Daddy's schedule, rolls out of bed at 8:45, showers, gets dressed and leaves. Gets home at 9PM, showersa and vegs out on fb.

Not fair, right?

I went on strike and only made dinner for the youngest. It took them two weeks to get into shape.

Got luck!

Tamie - posted on 09/02/2012

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Unfortunately I myself have a husband who I spoiled beyond repair! We've been married for 25 1/2 years! Even when our son was going to school and I was working full time back in the late 80's and 90's I did everything from the cooking to cleaning everything and taking care of the yard work. Occasionally he would help out cutting grass when he had the spare time due to not working on his " race car "! If you can change this situation or how he feels about this "woman" knows her place then do it. It's too late for me. I did everything due to love for him, my son and my pride of a clean home and the outside represents the inside as well. I remember getting all kinds of compliments from family and friends! Made me feel awesome but at the same time I was killing myself! Yes if you can communicate and make him see you not only need his help but would appreciate it as well before he's set in his groove with YOU please take an old fools advice! I did it cause I was young and had so much energy I'd rather do the work and keep peace instead of causing tension between us. I held all the stress and tension inside now I'm paying for it. I no longer work. He does work long hours and I keep up the home cause it's my sole job now. But there is NO way I could do it all like I did in the past. I'm not saying I'm too old but at 43, a young child and taking care of everything around the home I definitely couldn't accomplish nor would I ever want to attempt. Communication sweetie. You have to tell him how you're feeling! He's not at home living with his mom. Just like my husband was used to being catered to I just took his mother's job! Making his meals, preparing his plate and drink and taking it to him is something I regret ever doing. Love is blind. I was blinded by the love I had for him at the time and I too was so young. So it was lack of knowledge! I was very high strung due to my age but its NOT RIGHT FOR A WOMAN TO WORK FULL TIME AND NOT HAVE HELP BY THEIR PARTNER!! U ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO HIM. Or you'll continue on your path and hold it in and it will only get worse. You just have to talk to him but I believe he's already set in his ways. That's hard to change but you don't have to do it. You have a choice. It's hard believe me. I created a spoiled rotten man. I've told him that if him and I were ever to divorce he'd have a hard time finding another to do what I do unless she's already that way. I'm babbling!! Sorry. Just wanted to tell you a little of what I've experienced! I hope you can come to an agreement with him now before it's too late dear.

Kelli - posted on 09/02/2012

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OH HELL NAW! IF you work, it is just as well as his responsibility to help as yours. If you didn't work, and he worked I would see it a little differently. But seeing as though you already have a full time job (Your child) he definitely should help. ANd if he has time to play video games, the least he could is help, or at least watch the baby. Yes, it would definitely be an argument in my household.

Sharon - posted on 09/02/2012

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As a mother of 3 young boys myself and my husband are bringing them up to understand that housework is part of family life and that everyone does their fair share. Your husband appears to be spoiled And thinks you are there to look after his every need. It's time to teach him a lesson. I'm sure there are jobs you are doing that maybe your dad did when u were growing up stop doing them and when he asks why it isn't done explain to him that your dad always did those jobs and that you expect him to fill that role for you! He needs a attitude adjuster and I would remove a connection on his games consol and forget where I put it. He is a dad and needs to spend time with his children 4 hours is2 long to ignore his family every evening.

Kasi - posted on 09/02/2012

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Naomi, I'm sorry for your frustration. Perhaps at one point you felt you could manage it all, and like some men, he loves being waited on. We all want our moms help sometimes, but we all have to wash our dirty knickers too. Im sure youve tried but i would suggest a conversation at the right time with you stating you feel overwhelmed. When we start with "I feel xxx", it is not as threatening as "you never do..". They shut down when we sound like a nag. Explain you love he and the kids, but you are partners afterall, things have changed which includes more responsibility with 2 kids, and work, and you really can't do it all. ...We ALL want to do it all. Cheers to those who can! But If you could do it all- you would have started long ago! the other women in his life did the house work, but he is no longer living with them for a reason! Perhaps if they didn't mind, they will have him back. ...When my son was born preemie he was very sick. I was a network engineer until that day. Then I stayed home and still do. I have 1 son. I have arthritis and can not work, and I often feel guilt for not working outside the home. I do the best I can though. When I started to stay home I thought I could do it all including being up every 2 hours, clean,cook, wash, shower and have a happy spouse. And so did he. But it was so difficult and hard on us all. My husband was unhappy with my lack of June Cleaver abilities. But - I reached the point when I said I could not do it all. And some woman can, and have the energy for it. I said If he can find her, bring her to me so I can see my replacement, go marry her, and leave me alone. ..he has kept me.so far. being a SAHM is hard work. But I have more respect for moms who work outside the home And have kids too. ..Follow your gut. If you think he needs a wake up call, try an ultimatum or try asking a respectable male friend to talk to him. But if he is verbally abusive -please don't take it. You can do more for yourself then I could- and you can do anything!

Annette - posted on 09/01/2012

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I would like to know what he does on the two days that he is home while you are working! You are working in a very demanding fulltime job and also being a fulltime housekeeper? What is he thinking? This man sounds like he needs a reality check. As others I have already said you are not his mother, sister and "exes" who have allowed him to think that women are doormats. Or perhaps his attitude is why he has 'exes'!! :)

Also what kind of example is he giving your children (don't know if any of them are boys) - you certainly wouldn't want to have this kind of role model for your children's sake. He needs to get a spine and look around him - times have changed. Women are equal - responsibilities are shared and that includes making a house a home.

Hopefully he is at least doing the lawns, gardens, rubbish - the outside role that some men think is their responsibility.

Ana - posted on 09/01/2012

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That's why he doesn't live with those other women anymore! His mother got sick of picking up after him, his sister just got fed up at his brother and his exes did the right thing he didn't grow up......they through him out!

Stephanie - posted on 09/01/2012

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I hate to ask this, but was he like this before you married him? Did you discuss how the chores would be done before getting married? The only reason I ask this is if it has always been you, and you two have discussed this before the marriage, I guess you know my answer. I do think the way he spoke to you regarding this is completely degrading. Please don't allow it! No woman should ever have to live in a household like that. If you didn't discuss it before the marriage, I guess now is the time. Please don'thtn ink I I am taking his side, but we can't do a bait in switch and expect no recourse. Clearly since you both work you can divvy up, but if you have been doing all of this since before your oldest was born don't expect it to change anytime soon. Explain it to him that it is not about who does what but helping each other out to spend more quality "alone time" with him and your children. Good luck!

Michele - posted on 09/01/2012

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And for the record, I am a SAHM of twin 20 month old boys and my husband is a CPA and CFP, he works crazy hours, has 2 tax seasons a year and he still helps out when he can. As a SAHM obviously most of the housework falls on me as I am home, but my husband picks up after himself so he doesn't "add to the mess", goes grocery shopping with me on weekends, does his own laundry and takes out the garbage. He needs to know what it means to be married and have a family because right now he is acting like a spoiled teenager!

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