what should i do when my 10yr old gets so angery i cant control her?

Robin - posted on 11/26/2009 ( 58 moms have responded )

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my 10yr old daughter has these moments that just flipps out on me and i dont know to do any more . its like when things are going good she just goes left real fast and when she is in the wrong and i try to correct her its like she just diggs deeper and acts worse im in need of some advise so if their is anyone out there that has gone or is going through this same thing please let me know what to do to make this better i want my little girl back and its like i lost her to anger .

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Jeni - posted on 11/27/2009

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Hi! I have a 10 yr. old boy and we have the same issues. There are some really good and bad moments. I've discussed this issue with a few parents and they all say, "It's the age" When my son starts to act up we send him to his room (where he yells, or has a bad attitude,saying things like I wanna run away or I hate my life) We make sure to tell him he's loves even when he acts this way. Then I wait until he's calmed down and we talk about different ways we could of handled the situation. I really don't know a way to get it to stop, only ways he can choose to deal with it.

Stefanie - posted on 11/27/2009

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Hey I'm going through the same thing with my 10 year old daughter plus she cries at the drop of a hat. I know she is going through puberty so hormones are playing a big part. I am learning to wait and not jump in so fast. when she is calmer we have much better discussions. I also have been feeding her pineapple and she eats as close to the core that she can. something in the pineapple has made her calmer and her mood swings have lessened. good luck.
Stefanie Kelly

Natalia - posted on 11/27/2009

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She could be Bi-Polar. You can take her to your regular physician & find out how to get her tested. It could be a number of things, but just to be sure ask your doctor.

Victoria - posted on 11/27/2009

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My 10 year old does the same thing. I end up sending her to her room to calm down. From some of the books I've read it seems that the hormones are kicking in...

Teri-Jo - posted on 11/26/2009

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She could be having a reaction to the things in her environment. I know it may sound funny, but try taking a look at some of the cleaners you are using in your home as well as the foods she is eating.

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Wendi K - posted on 10/20/2012

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i to am experincing this same thing but im at a loss i have had no suggestions or help is ther a hotline or should i call the police or cps what do i do??????

Maria - posted on 01/22/2010

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hi i also have a ten yr old who gets like that at times i stopped trying to control her actions i just walk away because when she is like that i feel i am only fueling the fire it is hormones raging i a got her checked out because of the temper tantrums i say fine let her say what she has to say even if she is wrong because u know they are always right and usually when she has calmed down she will come to me and apologise and its alot faster for her to calm down when im not in her face

Deb - posted on 01/17/2010

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My daughter was just like that til age 11 (she's now 22). I look back now and wish I had realized then what I know now. She was (and still is) very independent and she wanted it her way or the highway. I think understanding that is extremely helpful in dealing with the mood swings. Also, I would give her 2 choices - you can either do this or do that; helped her feel like she had a say (without really!). Just remain firm and calm.

Janice - posted on 01/17/2010

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I have two boys ages 8 and 9. My 8 year old is bipolar and ADHD and my 9 year old is ADHD also. They both have times when they are like that, but my 8 year old is worse. I never know what to expect when I wake up in the morning. They are both on medication and in counseling. I try to keep their daily routine very structured and be firm with them. I can not let these two get away with anything!!! I'm not saying this is what is wrong with your daughter, but maybe it is worth looking into. It is a struggle every day, but I'm managing the best I can and I think that is all you can do. Do not blame yourself, just be there for her and try to get to the bottom of it before it gets any worse!

Kristal - posted on 01/15/2010

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I am having the same problem with my oldest son. He has now been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and something else that affects the part of the brain that helps control actions. I nothing else works try having her tested.

Cyndy - posted on 12/20/2009

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Set a few rules and be consistant with ALL of them. Ask your daughter why she is acting out. Maybe she knows, maybe she has no clue other than something isn't right in her world. I found the best time to learn what was going through my daughters mind was at bedtime. We would read a story or two, pray then shut the lights off. Often it was then that she was ready to discuss the "difficult" times she was going through. There is not any threat when they don't see your face. Even if I was shocked at what I heard, I would remain calm and try to come up with a plan for her to deal with the situation. If it involved going to the teacher, I would usually do so without her knowing and let the teacher deal with the situation. I also took a class on parenting called "Parenting with Love and Logic" The basic concept of their teaching is "give your kid two choices, either one will make you happy!" It works great. Especially when you get a child that is fighting for power struggles. "I will be happy to take you to the play ground as soon as you get your homework done". or you can say "Do you want to do your math first or your spelling words. " Either one of the statements get the homework done but you don't have to be the all powerful one. The child is in control of their consequences. If they don't get their homework done, the consequence is a poor grade. There will be times you can not give your child choices. That is okay and "life". Be consistant. Let her know how you expect her to behave when you go somewhere and when she doesn't cooperate, leave the situation immediately or have a family member or friend that can take her back home. However, that family or friend needs to be on the same page as you and hold your daughter accountable for her actions. It will be tough at first, but I believe, kids fight for their independence but they also test us to see if we are going to stay in control and keep them safe. I hope this helps. If you don't see any improvement, contact a reputable psychologist and get their opinion to make sure there isn't something else going on. Do NOT be quick to put her on medications though. It might make things seem easier to deal with but we really don't know the long term side effects of psych meds on children, their brains are still developing as well as the rest of their body.

Sheli - posted on 12/20/2009

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Robin, Oh, I feel your pain. My 9 year old daughter has been doing what you described since, it seems, she was 8. I agree with Sheila, patience seems to work best. At least it does for Anna. She's usually at her worst if she's really tired, hungry, or stressed. As hard as it is I find that if I just let her work through her feelings, cry, complain, whine, etc., she usually gets herself out of it. Trying to talk, reason, yell, threaten, or scream doesn't seem to work very well. We've tried all of it!!! I can see the light at the end of the tantrum tunnel. She's getting better. Hang in there, see if giving her some space to work it out herself helps. We've done the grounding, taking away things, etc too. Didn't work. She just found something else. I let her know that I'm there for her if she wants to talk, but, if she's going to "tantrum" she needs to work it out on her own. Usually she comes to me later, apologizes, and we move on. I used to take it very personally. "What am I doing wrong?" "I'm ruining her life!" and so on. Get over that very fast. Again, Sheila's right, with hormones, her feelings and emotions are all over the place. I tell my daughter that no matter what I love her, I'm here for her, and will help her anyway I can. Then I leave her alone. It seems to work okay. Good luck. Remember to breathe and scream into your pillow if needed.;-)

Vicki - posted on 12/20/2009

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Read Dr. Phils - Families First. I did, it helped me set boundaries. Best of Luck!

Teresa - posted on 12/20/2009

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My daughter is 9yrs old and we recently went through that and at first i lost my patience with her and yelled and that would make her that much worse.Then I sat her down when she and I were both calm and talked to her,I asked her her if she liked when i was ugly to her and of course she said no,I then told her that I didn't like it when she was that way to me either.I told her that I wanted to find a happy-medium with her and she said that she wanted that also.So then when she acted that way I would keep my patience and I would point out what she just said or did to her so she could see it for herself and now thing's are so much better between us.Hope you and your daughter can find it too.

Belinda - posted on 12/20/2009

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Hi, i have 2 boys and it's so upsteeing when they behave like this. I have gone through many different stages and now going through a horrid stage at the moment with my 4 year old. He has had problems with his hearing and the first thing we knew of this problem is that the daycare centre told us he is very physical with the other kids and does not talk. what talking he did use was like he was speaking another language and other kids rejected cause he couldnt talk properly.

I had his hearing tested and sure enough there was a problem. He had grommets and some speach therapy and has improved so much since he operation.

What level of comunicationdoes your child have? can she tell you what she wants without getting frustrated or physical?

Does she hear and understand you?

I would suggest that you have her hearing checked as any amount of hearing loss can be very frustrating for a child, especially if she unable to make her self verbally understood. This can affect their behaviour.

Speak to your health nurse or family doctor. Try taking her to a good chriopractor, my sons back and neck were out of wack and i found when he start having some readjustments his behaviour started to improve.

Does she have any sort of pain somewhere else in her body?

Good luck i hope you able to find a solution. Just remember you are not alone and there is always someone able to help you, you just have to find the person you best relate to and that they have yours and your childs best interest at heart.

Vivian - posted on 12/02/2009

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Hug her and keep telling her how you love her. If you are a christian, hug her and just start praying . She does not hear you when you're both upset. Kids mature so fast these days. When my kids are misbehaving, I make more progress when I sit them down and talk to them calming. Sometimes we holds hands in agreement before the conversation starts. I took me years chastize in a low but firm tone. The yelling and screaming only fell on death ears. I wish all the best.

Robin - posted on 12/01/2009

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Quoting Jennifer:



Quoting Robin:

what should i do when my 10yr old gets so angery i cant control her?

my 10yr old daughter has these moments that just flipps out on me and i dont know to do any more . its like when things are going good she just goes left real fast and when she is in the wrong and i try to correct her its like she just diggs deeper and acts worse im in need of some advise so if their is anyone out there that has gone or is going through this same thing please let me know what to do to make this better i want my little girl back and its like i lost her to anger .





 





skys dad passed away  in 02 and i think that has alot to do with her anger i dont know how to help her i want to help her but i dont know how i want my littel girl back to so i truly know how  you feel maybe we can help each other by talking about how we feel to see that is hard for me to take in also i know that she is going through alot and so am i i lost my husband and my bestfriend plus my daughter. i know that i need to get her some help and i know that i dont handle things as well as i would like but im trying i wrote her a letter and i read it to her telling her that im sorry for all that i have done to her out of anger like yelling i dont hit her because i dont belive in it i was abused as a child and i just couldnt do that  . but there are time that i think maybe she just needs her butt spanked but the memories of the past stop me and i dont think that it would help these last few days i have been slow to anger and i just hug her when she melts down on me and it seems to help alot yesterday was so good no melt downs but today sshe did it again but not with me this time my brother . so i think she is angrey and doesnt know what to so with the feelings she is feeling so all i know to  do is take it one day at a time god bless you and thank you for your advise i never thought that this could be the reason because she was so young but now my eyes are open thank you again feel free to write me anytime my email is angreygirl59@yahoo.com



 

Sandy - posted on 11/30/2009

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I have learned through psychology work that feelings drive behaviour. You need to get to the root of the problem. Why does she want negative attention? It may be something really simple that has nothing to do with you. I think she is frustrated and that is the only way she knows how to deal with it. The one thing you have to do is remain calm. Be there for her. Let her know she is loved.

Jeanette - posted on 11/30/2009

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My daughter is turning 10 in january and we are having a few anger probs with her but we think it might be to do with her speech impairment or it could be to do with her Nanna losing her temper over the years at our house in front of her so she thinks it's okay to lose it at me or my husband. We would like also to have some advice from someone on how to get Krystal back to what she use to be like. Her Grandad passed away suddenly in 2007 and she was really attached to him and would follow him around the farm when she went out their for a holiday so grief could be involved in it as well!!!

[deleted account]

I am currently doing a course aimed at coping with problematic behaviour in children (usually with ADHD but also others without) Go to www.fdsinc.org.au & look at the things they might be able to help explain to you or email them on info@fdsinc.org.au

Years ago, I had 2 step kids with ADD and did many courses to try to learn how to cope. I thought I knew it all, until I joined this group. I have my youngest child with ADHD and have learnt so much from the other participants and the course facilitator in how to better understand WHY these things happen, how it impacts parents, the child & the siblings as well as school & social skills. They really are worth contacting. I have some course literature I could share with you, but its hard to post it here. Hope they can help you as much as they have helped me. It is good you have recognised it and not just yell back at her. Hang in there IT IS managable!

Melissa - posted on 11/28/2009

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Child therapy can sometimes be a wonderful tool in helping a child figure out better ways of handling their emotions. Or a great way to start if you believe your child may have issues.

My 10 year old has a whole bunch of psychological disorders. She's been in therapy since she was 3, it has helped her more than anything else has. Though sometimes, it is still really rough. She has been admitted to the psychiatric unit once for her rage.

I have a 7 year old with Asperger's Syndrome, he also consults with a child therapist every now and then to tie up loose ends with his emotions.

Vanessa - posted on 11/28/2009

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There maybe something different in her life or environment that is making her react this way. Maybe you can talk to her about what is going on at school or around her. I know we can't always be with our kids to know what is going on, but the best thing to maybe do is talk to her. I have seen kids also react this way to get attention. Not that you are not giving her attention, but sometimes we are so busy in our everyday life that we just accidentally do this. So maybe when you get on her doing something bad and make a big reaction you maybe giving her the attention she would like, this could be why she acts worse. The thing I can suggest is ignoring the attention seeking behavior, if this is what it maybe. Just say no once and disipline before it escalates into a worse behavior. By ignoring the bad behavior and giving her attention while she is showing good behavior you may see her bad behavior decline. Also make sure you are always consistent with your disipline. Not that you aren't, it is just a suggestion. I believe consistancy in disipline and having patience is the key.

Amanda - posted on 11/28/2009

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Hi Robin,
I have a 6yr old daughter and have been having issues with her not only at home but at school as well. I had a melt down last week and just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I have tried everything, the school has tried everything but no results.
However, circumstances and environmental factors are a major player in kids behaviour well, it has been with my daughter. I took her to a Kineisiologist on Wednesday and all I can say is O.M.G!!!! It's not for everyone but I swear by it. I had to hear a lot of things I didnt want to but it was soooooo worth it, it really was. I recommend it, you have nothing to lose.

Tanza - posted on 11/27/2009

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Robin - my email is pctanza@sbcglobal.net . Let's 'talk' off line and I can share what we experienced. Hopefully it will help you find the right people.

[deleted account]

... further to that, this sort of strategy shows her that you are the one in control - without the use of physical discipline, (not to say that I don't smack a bott-bott or two as a last resort). My son delivers a certain 'look' in his eyes that shows me a good level of respect. I don't want to palm him off or put his behaviour in the 'too hard basket'... I aint no quitter and I won't 'give up' in any way or fashion, when it comes to how much of myself I am able to give to my son's. If you have tried every way poss, then seek some support from a professional: Usually visit your GP and get him or her to assess them before you go pinning it down to some assumed, un-diagnosed medical condition. Too many people accept the good times of parent-hood but throw in the towel when they have to attend to the harder times. You obviously arn't one of them so way to go for putting it out there and asking for some support. You obviously care so let that be the leading factor in whatever strategy you take. Much respect to ya. Sally

Sita - posted on 11/27/2009

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Am facing a similar problem with my 10 year old son. It got so bad that i decided to take him to a friend who is a therapist. Even before the therapy started - there was a change in his behaviour - he realised that this temper tantrums and physical violence was not accepatable.
I thot it had blown over , till last week it was a repeat all over again. I am at my wits end too.

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My son did the same thing... went all glassy eyed and had, some-what, of a temper tanny. I found that yelling at him just worsened the state he was in. Now, I just sit him down, ask him to give me a hug and sit down. Then I ask him to try and explain how he feels in the best way he can. I sit with him, eye-to-eye and 'listen without speaking'. After he gives it a shot, I show him empathy and paraphrase his feelings and words back to him so he gets that I have an understanding. We then look for a resolution and he walks away, most of the time, happy and grateful that I gave him the opportunity AND my undivided attention. This isn't always easy as I have 3 boys but I do my very best. From my view, kids don't have great word-power and get frustrated very easily when they feel like they are not being heard. All they need is some kindness, attention and a willingness to be heard. I hope that assists and the very best of luck to you.

Candice - posted on 11/27/2009

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write her a note explaining the way you feel about her, your unconditional love for her and your concern that something seems to be bothering her. Tell her that if she'd like to tell you what the matter is, she's welcome to write you back (there's less embarrassment that way) or talk to you. You have to promise that you won't flip out on her if its something you don't like because if she made a mistake that is bothering her, she needs your support not your shouting or lectures. You could also give her some other options of other people she could talk to if she's not comfortable talking to you about it. It could just be hormones already, but offer your support anyways since she hasn't gone through that before either.

Faye - posted on 11/27/2009

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hi there i have a 7yr old that has bad temper, with the angry attitude,so i no what its like,we think he might have a small dose of A.D.H.D like his sister when she was his age. He gets angry at school with the teacher, plays up in class, now he's starting to tell a few lies & never what to beleive. I to pull my hair out its so frustrating.

[deleted account]

I have a boy the same age with the same problem. I don't know what's wrong with him. He was raised vegan and didn't start have these problems until other family members started feeding hime meet. I also send him to his room until he calms down. But I don't know how to deal with it when we are outside of the house because it can take hours to get him to act like he's got good sense. He often ruines a great day for me and others who may be with us. It's awful. I am looking for a therapist now.

[deleted account]

Spanking a child in a rage doesn't work but to make the rage worse or temporarily stop it. Yes you need to let her know who is in charge and that you are the Pack Leader.
Let her rage as long as she doesn't hurt herself but on the other hand check to see if there isn't something else going on.

Wendy - posted on 11/27/2009

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There is nothing wrong with your daughter. But i believe in Spare the rod, spoil the child. I would spank her. She needs to understand that you are in charge, not her. you don't want to be afraid of her when she is older.

[deleted account]

It sounds like she might be in the early stages of puberity. Yes some girls start early these days. So you need to talk to her about her sudden rages. Secondly, I would talk to a specialist about the rages and what is known as brain spiking which is a processing disorder that is becoming more known now. You can talk to a neuropsyhiatrist or a neurologist that specializes in this.

Lynnette - posted on 11/27/2009

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Patience is great, but maybe she has an anger problem. I would try and find out why she's so angry, and maybe try about some martial arts for her to turn the negative anger into positive, because if she achieve's in something like this she could end up winning medals and things. I'd also ask if she is ok at school make sure there is no bullying going on. My boy get really frustrated because of bullying and having to concentrate all day.

Brittany - posted on 11/27/2009

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time out a minute for each year they are and every time explain what behavior got her in there

Michelle - posted on 11/27/2009

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I went threw this so long with my youngest daughter. One minute she was sweet as can be, then the next throwing toys, glassware, etc. She actually did this until she was 16 years old..I finally started calling police on her, and of course they did nothing..I took things away that she liked, grounded, phone, took it all..Now she is in juvenile, and I blame most of it on the system..I tried everything...Good luck

Rebeca - posted on 11/27/2009

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Hello.
My 15 year old daughter has meltdown as well. She started having them when she was around 10 so the horomone idea does have merit.
What I have found is that the meltdowns usually occur right before her period (or monthly as a pre-men kid) and/or when she is tired and hasn't had enough proteins. She is home schooled so what I usually do is take her away from the activity she is involved in and get a snack (pb&j!) with either a glass of milk or hot chocolate made with milk. The change of scenery helps as well as the food. Also a plus is that the food occupies both our mouths so we don't say too much that we may later regret.
I totally love child counsling/therapy. Sorry but in real life you can't always be completely honesty about your feelings without someone else's feeling getting hurt and sometimes feelings just aren't rational. Have a non involved person to talk to has been a God-sent for my children. It's allowed both girls to work out their feelings so that our own relationships can be stronger.
Good luck!

Robin - posted on 11/27/2009

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thank you i thought i was the only one and now that i have found this circle of moms it has opened my eyes to there is hope thank yo

Virginia - posted on 11/27/2009

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If this behavior is the equivalent of a tantrum, which it sounds like, you have to act just like you do when a two year old has a tantrum. Ignore it. Walk away. Maybe say, "we can talk when you calm down." And just let her get hold of herself. Don't say or do anything to fuel the fire. Hormones start changing as early as ten, so it is rough for her. If it gets worse, you may need professional advice. She needs to learn to get control of herself in a healthy way for the rest of her life.

Robin - posted on 11/27/2009

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Quoting Tanza:

Since you weren't specific in exactly how she is 'flipping out', this is general advice. 1) If any behavior is extreme that she might hurt herself or others, definitely get a great child therapist engaged; 2) anger is a secondary emotion- normally stemming from hurt or frustration or disappointment so discussions need to happen to dig in to find out what is going on with her and give her tools to process her emotions before she is headed down that path.

I do think kids with extreme emotions need good structure to minimize some of the turmoil from changes and then good down time with someone to talk through emotions of the day so they aren't piling up and building up.

If it is extreme and you are looking to find a great child therapist, I am happy to share with you advice from my experience in trying to find one.

Lots of hugs and patience to you!!! =-)


she is going through alot of changes and so am i with her hormones and all but there are days where i just want to lay down and cry like a baby she tells me she hates me and i can seal with that i did the same thing when i was her age but never physical like her i dont hitt her i try to talk to her and take things away but she doesnt care and she will prove to you she doesnt  im very lost and i think she needs help . if you could help me find someone i would be very greatful thank you for your advise

Karen - posted on 11/27/2009

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I am karen, I first noticed this picture of your daughter on here, then I read your question. I dont know if I can help but I will offer it. I noticed this picture because my son, by the way is now-27, and your daughter at her age in this pic. could have passed for twins. Same hair color , same cut, and same kind of grinding teeth sorta smile..lol

I don't know what you have tried or what anyone has offered you to try with her anger, however, my 1st daughter-wow AnGRy girl when she was little. Yes I have four. Well don't spank her or hit her and I say that becaue she will one day hit you, or hit some kid and get in trouble at school and say, that, -its ok to hit because my mom does" so one reason we don't do things is because that is how they learn the same. Ok? I hope you understand wat I am tryin to say. I guess I said wat not to do, instead of wat to do. Keep her busy, sounds like she needs alot to do, to much time bored will make her angry only cause she doesn't know or understand wat else to do hangin out somewere. Right now at this time of year make out some Christmas cards and if they are real or not doesnt matter. THis sounds real dumb, and I dont know how mature she is but write down a copy of names that you would maybe send cards to, First names and have her copy them inside the top of each card.,Like a different name on the top of inside Right page. She can even write the address's on the envelopes do the same, write them down and just have her copy wat u did onto them. She may like it, and for only a moment or two there may be some peace around for ya. I also ended up takin my girl to anger class's, I thought I'd mention that last. lol But I learned more than she did about my anger and how to handle it, they are free. Well hope you find some thing to help each other there. Update ok.

Susan - posted on 11/27/2009

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Quoting Katie:

I have a 10 year old daughter too! She has been getting very emotional, not quite flipping out, if things aren't going her way, etc. It is called Hormones! Unfortunately, our daughters are experiencing PMS! However, there might be something else bothering her. Maybe she is having problems in school with her peers. This is the right age where girls seem to become more competitive of one another, especially when it comes to fashion, etc. I can't tell you how many times my daughter has come home from school or eventually said, "Well so and so told me I need to get this thing or wear that thing or told me I am to old to be playing with this or that". I simply tell my daughter that if she likes what she has or what she does that you don't need to change for ANYBODY! The key is to try to have a moment to sit and actually talk to her but not be judgemental-just her out with what she has to say and you might find the root of her problem, if not hormones. If you reach no answer, then I would suggest taking her to the doctor because it could mean something more. I hope I helped some and good luck!


OMG - you've hit it on the head.  I laughed when I read about early PMS cycles in the Sears books.  But I truly believe it.  We have our cycles when we're born, they just don't kick in immediately. ;)



I love your attitude.  When I was at an awkward age in looks, etc. my dad engrained in me that I'm a "dish" and that it's everyone else's loss if they don't see my good qualities.  I began to believe it and am forever grateful for those "on-his-lap" talks as he just coached me through it.

Susan - posted on 11/27/2009

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For us, it's a painful lesson: they take their cues from us. When I'm able to stay calm, loving and supportive, she catches on and it shortens the outbursts. Our daughter is 8. We have these meltdowns and flip outs usually when: not enough protein late in the afternoon, I've been REALLY tense, or I've been ignoring her. When I can give her undivided attention as soon as she gets home or shortly after - just 10 minutes no phone, no email, no sibling - we have a great night. It's amazingly simple for us, yet I forget too often. Our also follows the moon, too. No kidding, we noticed the cycle pattern by the time she was four. She's two days off from me so it's really ugly around here 4 days a month when I forget that she just usually needs more hugs during that time.

I'm sorry it's tough for you right now. I hear you mama. Loud and clear!

Katie - posted on 11/27/2009

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I have a 10 year old daughter too! She has been getting very emotional, not quite flipping out, if things aren't going her way, etc. It is called Hormones! Unfortunately, our daughters are experiencing PMS! However, there might be something else bothering her. Maybe she is having problems in school with her peers. This is the right age where girls seem to become more competitive of one another, especially when it comes to fashion, etc. I can't tell you how many times my daughter has come home from school or eventually said, "Well so and so told me I need to get this thing or wear that thing or told me I am to old to be playing with this or that". I simply tell my daughter that if she likes what she has or what she does that you don't need to change for ANYBODY! The key is to try to have a moment to sit and actually talk to her but not be judgemental-just her out with what she has to say and you might find the root of her problem, if not hormones. If you reach no answer, then I would suggest taking her to the doctor because it could mean something more. I hope I helped some and good luck!

Debbie - posted on 11/27/2009

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I have four kids and my oldest would protest/get angry the most when it was something I realized he felt very strongly about and didn't know any other way of expressing. I began to examine where I was saying "no" because it was convenient for me but could have been saying "yes" or giving him choices. Giving choices helps me in parenting tremendously because we relate as parent/child on a different level, and they feel some sense of control, even if it's small like choosing between milk and juice. I think it teaches them responsibility for their actions, too. I don't agree with considering therapy unless it's the very last resort after exhausting every possible, creative attempt to connect with your child and build the relationship yourself.

Debbie - posted on 11/26/2009

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Are there certain times of day this happens? My 7 yo daughter recently started the same thing - but I have discovered it is when she is doing certain activities on certain days at school and doesn't like to participate in them. I sat her down and told her I am going to talk to her like a big girl. Spoke calmly and away from her younger brothers and she opened right up. I had also had episodes in the car travelling to/from school, and set my mobile to record what she does, then replayed it to show her. Then discussed if this was the 'right' way to act towards the adults. Showing her exactly how she was acting sort-of helped also and she has eased up on the temper tantrums after seeing what it looks like.

Danielle - posted on 11/26/2009

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I have a10 yr. old that get angry also. She does have ADHD, but I'm not sure how much that comes into play. If you think about it, girls are usually more dramatic, more bossy, and have more attitude. I think this age is difficult because they want to be seen as teenagers, but their not... and yet we also expect more out of them than little children, which their not... I find when my daughter gets really mad, it's because she feels the situation is completely unfair & she can't stand that. I usually make her go to her room to cool off ( while I'm cooling off & thinking about what to say). Once we can sit down and talk rationally, I can usually get her to understand where I'm coming from, or maybe I see things in a different light even. Arguing or fighting never solves anything and gets both mad. She's not always going to like your decisions, and she's not supposed to. Explain that discipline is love and she is very lucky.

Cathy - posted on 11/26/2009

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It is very hard for children to control their reactions, but something they must learn. Start with watching your own responses to things, as they learn a lot from modeling! Try to stay calm and don't react any more than you have to until she calms down. Then talk w/ her about how she could have responded to the situation, give her help figuring out what responses ARE appropriate... and have a definite serious consequence that she has to face for the incorrect behavior.

Rebecca - posted on 11/26/2009

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I would definitely attempt the finding her currency, being sure to remove something profound to her. Having said this, before the item is returned I'd recommend having an open conversation about what you expect from her behavior. Tell her what to expect will happen for future behavior. It might sound obvious but it may be a missed opportunity to maximize the impact of what you really want her to hear from you if you don't cease the moment. It may be the only time she's open to listening as it's her only means of getting her beloved item back.



A friend of mine took it a step further and actually drew up a list of rules and consequences contract style and had her daughter read and sign it to ensure she really took in and understood cause and effect of her behavior.



My kids are younger but I can SO understand the agitation and hopeless feeling a great tantrum can cause! Wishing you all the best!

Tanza - posted on 11/26/2009

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Since you weren't specific in exactly how she is 'flipping out', this is general advice. 1) If any behavior is extreme that she might hurt herself or others, definitely get a great child therapist engaged; 2) anger is a secondary emotion- normally stemming from hurt or frustration or disappointment so discussions need to happen to dig in to find out what is going on with her and give her tools to process her emotions before she is headed down that path.

I do think kids with extreme emotions need good structure to minimize some of the turmoil from changes and then good down time with someone to talk through emotions of the day so they aren't piling up and building up.

If it is extreme and you are looking to find a great child therapist, I am happy to share with you advice from my experience in trying to find one.

Lots of hugs and patience to you!!! =-)

[deleted account]

This has worked with all of my kids.... find out what your child's "currency" is. For my son (12), it is screen time. When he acts up, his punishment is no screen for a certain amount of time. For my daughter (8), its play dates... EVERY child has a currency, you just need to find out what it is.

Also, I've noticed now that my 12 year old is maturing, I'm better able to sit him down and "level" with him. Let him know how I'm feeling, and what he would do if he were the parent here. Sometimes I ask him what he thinks his punishment should be. Have you ever tried it? You may be surprised about what she says.

If none of these work, I would seek professional advice, as suggested by another poster. Good luck!

[deleted account]

Quoting Robin:

what should i do when my 10yr old gets so angery i cant control her?

my 10yr old daughter has these moments that just flipps out on me and i dont know to do any more . its like when things are going good she just goes left real fast and when she is in the wrong and i try to correct her its like she just diggs deeper and acts worse im in need of some advise so if their is anyone out there that has gone or is going through this same thing please let me know what to do to make this better i want my little girl back and its like i lost her to anger .


 

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