What should you do when your childs biological father want to come back into the picture after 15 ye

Jacquetta - posted on 04/23/2009 ( 113 moms have responded )

34

8

1

My daughter never knew her biological father for he decided that he did not want to be in her life and now that I have married and moved on and so has he. He wants to have a sit down and talk after he told his family that the baby wasn't his for all of these years, but not once did he say it to me what should I do

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Carol - posted on 04/23/2009

2

6

0

Well, the one thing we have in common is the father situation however my daughter is only 8 yrs old. But, I think I have a little advice to give you. First, ask your daughter what she wants. The last thing you want to do is pressure her into something so important that she does/doesn't want to do. The next thing is for you to analyze the situation. You know him better than anyone (or at least the situation) so you know if he is even fit to be a part of her life. Then, most importantly, you have to pray over this. Only the good Lord can tell you what you need to do. Good luck with it all.

Cassie - posted on 04/23/2009

1,667

22

182

I think at your daughter's age, you could ask her how she wants you to handle the situation. She is growing up and has experienced life without her father. Allow her to make the ultimate decision about her father. If she wants to see him, back her up and do all that you can to support her. If she doens't want to see him, do the same. Support her and help her through this time as it will probably be difficult for her in either decision.

Rachel - posted on 04/23/2009

27

7

4

I think you should call him and talk it over, ask why he wants to do it and if he is serious about being in his daughter's life. Tell him that coming in and out could hurt everyone, now and in the long run. See what he says, then talk to your daughter about her feelings. I worry that I will also have this problem in the years to come.

Ashley - posted on 04/24/2009

7

4

0

I just wanted to give you an opinion from a child's point of view as I didn't meet my father until I was 17 years old. Of course like everyone else said let your daughter decide, but know also that a lot can come from that closure for her. I know in my situation to look into the face that looked like mine was extremely important to me, to see all the traits that are inherited not taught was eye opening. I had the most supportive mother who was there through the heartache and disappointment, but in the end it has been a wonderful blessing. I had three years to spend with my paternal grandmother before she passed and to know that she had never forgotten me was special. My best advice is just to be there, because no matter the situation at some point she will be disappointed again by him.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

113 Comments

View replies by

Michelle - posted on 11/13/2010

4

50

0

Funny thing I am going through the same thing only I have 2 kids with him and he only denied her and is now after 11 years of being out of contact and having only seeing them 1 time since they were babies (they are now 15 & 16) it began with his wife contacting me being rude and very unbending when I stated that the decision whether or not they or I had any contact with him was between my kids, myself and him stating she would be there and involved no matter what and now after telling both the kids that they have a little sister and he is trying to find them (mind you we have been in the same place and have had the same number the entire time,) My son has stated he wants nothing to do with him since he has done nothing to help him in 16 years and has only made contact with me other than that 1 time they saw him to tell me to drop child support order because he couldnt afford to pay and support his other family. haha. but my daughter who will be 15 tomorrow is very torn i have never bad mouthed him and always left it up to them if they saw him however she has heard from other people that knew him how he was and that he denied her to his family and only told them the truth when caught in a major lie about it. he contacted her through facebook last night and she called me right away asking what to do i told her that it was up to her but to be careful and she told me that she only wanted contact through facebook for now if she even decides to have any and when i checked today she had deleted him as a friend they all will make their choices if we let them we just have to be there to support our kids when and if the do get hurt which unfortunatley they will most of the time.

Jacquetta - posted on 05/01/2009

34

8

1

Hello and thanks for your kind words, at this time we are still waiting to have a sit down and I really don't think that its going to happen. I believe that he just wanted to get his mother and sister off of his back for a while until his sister came back from her business trip. I hope that your son knows the truth about his bio and your husband because my daughter was five when she came home one day and asked ther question about who her daddy was.

Jacquetta - posted on 05/01/2009

34

8

1

I agree with you and its ok with me but as of now he isn't responding to meeting her now and I think that he knows if he takes a blood test he is going to owe her 15 years of support which she does deserve. She's fine without him to me though and god does remove and put people in your life for a reason and my husband was a very good choice for us.

Jacquetta - posted on 05/01/2009

34

8

1

Hello COM family just to let you all know that my daughters biological father never called to set up a meeting with us nor will he answer his sister reguarding the issue and that is exactly what I was worried about and now my daughter is once again hurt because he won't be a man and stand the #@%^ up. He owes her so much and I feel like now his sister is stuck in the middle and I don't think that she knows exactly what to do now. My daughter wants to meet her face to face even though they have talked on the phone and are now friends on FB. She needs closure so that she can move on with her own life. I really wish that my husband was her bio father because he is so wonderful to her and I feel that we are truely blessed to have this man in our life.

Jacquetta - posted on 05/01/2009

34

8

1

Hello COM family just to let you all know that my daughters biological father never called to set up a meeting with us nor will he answer his sister reguarding the issue and that is exactly what I was worried about and now my daughter is once again hurt because he won't be a man and stand the #@%^ up. He owes her so much and I feel like now his sister is stuck in the middle and I don't think that she knows exactly what to do now. My daughter wants to meet her face to face even though they have talked on the phone and are now friends on FB. She needs closure so that she can move on with her own life. I really wish that my husband was her bio father because he is so wonderful to her and I feel that we are truely blessed to have this man in our life.

Heather - posted on 04/26/2009

4

1

0

I am in almost the same situation. After 9 years my oldest sons father ask for a paternity test. He hadn't seen him since he was 4 months old, and his family refused to have anything to do with him. After 11 years he decided to give up rights, and my husband now, who has raised him as he was his own since he was 6 months old adopted him. Now, the biological wants to see him, and talk to him to let him know why he did what he did. I said NO. He has not been in your childs life, stand firm and PRAY really hard. God will answer your question in HIS time, and until HE answers tell him NO!!

Aliscia - posted on 04/26/2009

1

10

0

wow, this is difficult because you don't want to look like the parent that is hindering your child from having a relationship with her father, but he did deny her for all these years and that is even more damaging, what i did was ask my child's dad why all of a sudden he wants to communicate with her after he denied her a relationship with him all these years, then explained to him that the child has to want to have a relationship with him, don't force it, especially since your husband now has been a daddy throughout the time her bio dad was not around.it is not good for him to up and come play daddy after he didn't want nothing to do with her to begin with. you as the mom have to take a stand demand that he does right by your daughter and not hurt her. people are removed from out lives for a reason, God seen that, even though your husband is not the bio father of you daughter, he was only father figure she has ever known. I say let your daughter make that decision if she wants her bio dad to be apart of her life, it is that simple.

Kiki - posted on 04/26/2009

3

10

0

I would say it depends on what has been said.. If you never told her about ber biological father...that will stir up mixed feelings with the child... As at her age its her decision if she wants to take time out and allow him to be apart of her life.. I mean every child deserves to know their biological parents.. But depending on the age of the child when that parent returns should be their choice... I went thru the same thing.. I met my biological father at the age of 13... he was in prison all that time.. however.. i forgave him for his mistakes and how we are the best of friends.. So I would say talk to your daughter and see how she feels about it... let it be her decision dont force her to meet someone she never had a bond with... Keeping you in my prayers

Jacquetta - posted on 04/26/2009

34

8

1

I am my daughters best friend believe that and we talk about everything there is to talk about. I don't hide anything from her what ever I want to say to her with respect I say it and she does the same for me. God sent her to me and its my responsibility to be her guide through life and also to let her stumble and fall and learn from her mistakes. As far as her bio I hid nothing from her she knows all that their is to know about him. I tried to get his mother and sister on several occassion to recognize my baby and the mother always shot it down and for us life went on until now

Jacquetta - posted on 04/26/2009

34

8

1

She can meet him definately that is up to her the decision isn't mines nor my husbands at this point for she is 15 and old enough to make a decision like this on her own but of course with our sapport

Jacquetta - posted on 04/26/2009

34

8

1

You are definately in the same boat but its a little harder because your baby is seven and for him to come in and maybe leave again will crush her and we don;t want that but you can also ask her if she wants to see this man from the past she will thank you later

Jacquetta - posted on 04/26/2009

34

8

1

I will definately let everyone in circle of moms know the outcome of the meeting and i thank all of you for your input for it calmed my nerves

Crystal - posted on 04/26/2009

2

10

0

I have recently been through to this whole situation myself my daughter has not seen her biological father since she was 5 months old. Just last week after not having anything to do with her for 7 1/2 years now he stated that he wants to come see her and that he will be in town in 10 days and I really don't know what to do!!!!

Joyce - posted on 04/26/2009

1

24

0

My feeling is you have to ask your daughter what she wants to do. If she wants to talk to her father, than you really have to consider her wishes.
You might be saying to yourself, "why should he get to see her after he said he didn't think the baby was his". and believe me I can understand where your coming from. But if you don't do the right thing for your daughters sake you might regret it.

Tina - posted on 04/26/2009

2

15

0

I was a child in that situation...I believe she should be given the right to choose but give her enough information to make a good decision...doent hide any thing from her...I look at it like this no matter what that is her dad...I would not want my mistakes held against me forever so,,,,I got to know my dad before he died...and that for me was a good thing

Anji - posted on 04/26/2009

3

23

0

Does she know about him or is your husband "her daddy" cuz if she thinks that your husband is her real dad and there have never been any issues of it leave it and if the spermdonor decided to man up enough to fight you for her than explain it to her otherwise what I would do is leave well enough alone.

Lynn - posted on 04/26/2009

1

10

0

So funny because Im kind of going through the same thing rt now, wow. My daughters father has ben gone for 8 and half and now wants contact with my 11 yr old daughter. i firts talkd to him for several months over email to make sure he was in the rt state of mind haha and then after about 5 months of that I mentioned it all to my daughter and made it her choice. i told him that if she chooses not to want anythg to do with him thats her decisin and theres nothing I can do about it. He was comfortable w that, I mean what else could he really say.

well best wishes to you and your daughter.

Kim - posted on 04/26/2009

14

18

1

1st is your daughter even aware that this bio dad exists. What have you told her? 2nd see what's going on in his life, know what you and your daughter are getting into. This is about whats best for your daugter, his regrets are not your concern. Then when you and you husband (her real father) feel the situation is "safe" talk to your daughter and let her decide if she wants to meet him

Jennifer - posted on 04/26/2009

1

5

0

It has been 5 years since my 12, 13 & 14 year olds have seen or heard from their dad. He was recently released from jail for failure to support his oldest child (not mine). He has been in contact with his oldest child who lives near us. He has questioned her about my kids and I have insisted that he not have knowledge of my kids as his presence in the past was sporadic and an upheaval for them. I have questioned my stance on this personally and with my son's counselor. I believe that as they are not adults yet, this decision is still mine. When they are adults, they can make that decision on their own with an adult mindset and hopefully not get hurt. I guess it is a personal decision based on your daughter's maturity and the biological father's ability to commit to a constant relationship.

Veronica - posted on 04/26/2009

1

4

0

I think you should have a sit down and talk with him so that you all can work out a plan for him to be in his daughters life, even though he made that decision a long time ago somebody has to be the better person so, let it be u.After all he is her biological father and she should know him.

Vanessa - posted on 04/26/2009

45

31

11

Wait until he mentions anything to you. 15 is still a young and vulnerable age, but if he does bring anything to you, you should definitely mention it to your daughter. See how she feels about it. She may want to at least meet him. If not, just let her dad know that perhaps she needs time. Look at all the time he took to step up. Best of luck to you.

Lana - posted on 04/26/2009

1

10

0

I think it depends on the kind of Man that he is after all those years. I met my biological dad when i was 12, but it took a few years to develop a relationship with him. My mother's boyfriend at that time had raised us the past 3 years, and did not like having my dad back in the picture. He felt maybe my sister and i wouldn't love him anymore, and after all he is the one raising us, where has the biological father been all these years? Every young girl has an innate desire to know who her parents are. It's our job as parents to trust God and follow the peace in our hearts that he gives us whether or not it's a good idea. For me, it was the best thing that could have happened because through my biological father and the rest of his family i came to know the Lord. We had many ups and downs, but what relationship doesn't. Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge HIM and He shall direct your path. Proverbs 3:16

Wendy - posted on 04/26/2009

1

5

0

I clicked on this because the exact same thing happened me although I was married to him and left him when my girls (now 17 and 15) were babies as he was continually having affairs. My girls started with a hand-written letter then e-mails then phone calls. As your daughter will soon be old enough to have contact without your consent is it not better to be supportive now then she is less likely to be secretive about it if she feels she has your approval. My children have just spent 4 days at Easter with their dad and his new wife and had a lovely time although there were a few things that I didnt agree with (he told them I hit him so he left me!!) but on the whole they enjoyed it and will probably visit again. I cried the whole time they were away as I found it very hard knowing he would probably fill their head with lies but you have to trust them to realise the truth and if he lets them down again be there to pick up the pieces and hand out tissues rather than recriminations. Good luck xxxxx

Jeanine - posted on 04/26/2009

3

6

0

I must say that I do agree with Cassie! At the end of the day she is fairly old enough to decide on something such as this. Most important is to find out what her feelings are about the situation. If that should happen to me, I wouldn't want my child to grow up and one day accuse me of not allowing him/her to speak to or see their father. I know that in your situation he chose not to be a part of her life. But people change and we cannot judge. As long as she feels that you are genuinely okay with whatever decision she makes. All the best! Let us know how things went off!

Christie - posted on 04/26/2009

10

82

0

Quoting Cassie:

I think at your daughter's age, you could ask her how she wants you to handle the situation. She is growing up and has experienced life without her father. Allow her to make the ultimate decision about her father. If she wants to see him, back her up and do all that you can to support her. If she doens't want to see him, do the same. Support her and help her through this time as it will probably be difficult for her in either decision.



i totally agree with this.  i feel the same way.  i grew up without my father but he never once wanted to see me.  than by the time i got to the age of where i wanted to get to know him it was all too late.  i really think you should ask her what she wants to do.  either way support whatever decision she makes.  i know i will have the same situation with my youngest child but i know that her father wont want to see her.  im not going to lie to her when she starts asking questions though.  it will all be up to her when she hits a certain age.  but either way i will be supportive of her decisions

Michelle - posted on 04/26/2009

1

10

0

I never got to meet my real father but I think this should be up to your daughter because she has to live with the what if's not you!

User - posted on 04/26/2009

1

9

0

i think ur daughter is at an age where u should ask her what she would like,even if its only curiosity, i was adopted&met my biological parents i think everyone needs 2 know where they av come frm, my mum&dad supported me i lv them even more for that,good luck in ur decision

LaTanya - posted on 04/25/2009

5

10

1

As the daughter of a dead beat dad, i think your daughter is old enough to decide whether or not she wants anything to do with her biological father. She might warm up to him initially but in the long run it will probably be like a new toy and once it gets old, she'll move on. I don't mean to sound harsh but that was my experience.

[deleted account]

I met my father for the first time when i was 15, it was my decision to do so, I wanted to meet him. I am glad I did, but I would let your daughter decide when she is ready and if she wants to. She is old enough to make that decision and don't worry he wont take her away from you.

Shelly - posted on 04/25/2009

1,605

20

230

Quoting Jacquetta:

I am leaving it up to her but she is so worried about hurting my husband that she cries alot being that he is the only daddy that she has ever felt full honest love and support from. I had her talk to my mom and my mom told her to go on and meet him and his family and go from their because no one can ever come in and take her daddys place (my husband)


Jacquetta,



  Maybe your husband needs to talk to her and let her know that he is secure  enough in thier relationship that it is ok to go find out who this man is...and that he will always be there for her no matter what happens.  If she is having that much of a hard time b/c she doesn't want to hurt him by seeing her sperm donnor.  Her daddy lives in that house with the two of you the man that has been there for her most of her life is her daddy not the man that wants to pretend to be daddy.    I think she just needs to know that her daddy will be ok with this, so just ask your husband if he is willing to do that for her!!!  Good luck and I will keep all of you in my prayers

Denise - posted on 04/25/2009

33

22

3

went through the same thing. my daughter went through 13 yrs thinking the man i was married to was her dad. when she found out it was so hard but in the end things changed an we ended up being married an my daughter accepted she had 2 fathers who loved her an she had 12 yrs with him before he died with cancer. if i had it to do all over she would had known from the start. don't base her relationship with her dad on if he pays child support or not. her furture is far more important than money even though it helps.

Alisa - posted on 04/25/2009

7

5

1

Quoting Jacquetta:

What should you do when your childs biological father want to come back into the picture after 15 ye

My daughter never knew her biological father for he decided that he did not want to be in her life and now that I have married and moved on and so has he. He wants to have a sit down and talk after he told his family that the baby wasn't his for all of these years, but not once did he say it to me what should I do



I had the same experience with my daighters biological father. He denied her from the beginning and when she was 8 I married a great man who has been there for here ever since. She is 18 now but a few years ago her biological father started to write her letters off and on because he now wanted to be in her life. Well of course she wanted to see him but we live in a different state. He was dying and I let her go to the hospital and he end up dying. She was upset even though she really never knew him but she is fine now. I would say to have a talk with your child first about what she wants and go from there. She would probably want to see him out of curiosity but like I told my daughter you don't really know him cause he was never there. Just so what you think is best for your daughter. Good luck.

Christine - posted on 04/25/2009

52

4

4

If he denied being the father, I would request a DNA test to hush any doubts from ANY family members. As for telling your daughter, I think you should. I think you should talk to your ex before he is introduced if she wants to meet him. He needs to understand that this can bring up a lot of mixed emotions and he needs to be prepared for anything. She should know and I know it will pull at your heart because you want to protect her from ANY kind of pain. Good luck and God bless!

User - posted on 04/25/2009

1

9

0

I think that it all depends on your child. If they want to meet the father let them. He MUST and must start paying child support plus back pay you for all the years he has been gone. I think that a child will hate you if you do not give them the chance to meet their biological father & will think that you held back & might blame you later on. Nomatter what your child will love you because you have always been there from day 1.

Danielle - posted on 04/25/2009

3

26

1

Ok, I disagree w/his "having a right" so her...she's 15 and if she isn't interested in meeting him at this time, that should be the end of it. My husband wasn't involved in his daughter's life for the first 13 yrs, but it was my step-daughter's mother's decision..not my husbands. When she was still a baby, she claimed that she was "getting married" and her soon to be husband wished to adopt...since my husband and I were expecting our first child, he felt that this was the best way to "think of his daughter"....giving her a full-time Mom AND a Dad. They never married...she lied to my step-daughter for 13 years, saying that this other guy was her father. This other guy decided he couldn't do anymore for her once my step-daughter's mother and him split. When she was 13, her mother contacted my husband. We have been in a relationship since then...all b/c my step-daughter wanted to meet us (incl her 3 siblings). Give ur daughter this decision b/c ultimately, it's her decision only to make. A court of law isn't going to make a 15 year old see a parent whom she's never met!

Yvette - posted on 04/25/2009

3

18

0

Probably not Dr. Phil's advice but I would personally tell this jerk right where to go and give him clear directions on how to get there!

Colleen - posted on 04/25/2009

1

35

0

I think it is selfish of him to cum after so many years, why has it tuck him 15 years to realise, as u say ur husband is her father and always will be. It really anoys me when u hear storys like this as, because all the hard work has bn done, he has realised that he know wants a realionship. i feel for u and ur husband nut i am sure u will do the right thing :) xx

Christerlina - posted on 04/25/2009

2

0

0

Sounds familier Jacquetta. Sit down and talk rationally and calm like the experience woman and mother you are. Be the bigger person. Let him know that there would always be an open door policy as far as the child is concerned. Do not, for heavens sake take away the opportunity of your daughter getting to know her bio-father. Never hamper their relationship. It will hunt your daughter for the rest of her life and cause insecurities that even you may not know off. When your daughter is a woman she will be much wiser to know him for his true nature (whether it is good or bad). Take Care my friend! Hang in there! It's not as bad as you think!

Samantha - posted on 04/25/2009

1

9

0

I don't think you should keep him from his child. Sometimes as women/mother's we have to realize that "I" made the decision to have this baby and I chose to provide care and sacrifice for this child when other options were available (adoption, etc), but I cannot expect the same thing from everyone else. Although it shows a lack of responsibility on his part, but running was his was of dealing with the matter. And maybe it was better that he wasn't in her life. Maybe he was going through some things that would have made him unfit as a father. I often tell "fatherless" females that there were times that I wish my father weren't in the picture, all because of the situations I was put in as a child. I'd say talk to your daughter about and let her know that her father would like to meet her. From there you need to allow them to develop their relationship without your intervention. She needs to be able to form her own opinion of this man without the input of others.

Rosemarie - posted on 04/25/2009

2

0

0

I had a similar situation that I had to deal with many years ago when my daughter was 15. I divorced her father when she was 5 because he was very abusive and I kept her and her brothers away from him. I also remarried and my husband helped me raise them. Because my daughter was the oldest of the group, she did have a relationship with him that was severed when we divorced. I did keep in contact with his family so that my children could have a relationship with his mother, aunts and uncles. They respected my decision to keep him away, and worked with me during family gathering not to have him around. My daughter did not have any contact with him for 10 years, until she accidentally ran into him at her uncles store. She decided that she wanted to try and see if she could have a relationship with him, and started to sneak around to meet him. I found out about this through his family, but I did NOT say anything to my daughter. At 15 I new she was old enough to find out for herself if he had changed and maybe they COULD have a relationship after all these years. Within a 3 month period he showed his true colors and they had a big argument. He didn't hurt her physically, but she realized why I kept her and her brothers away from him. A few months later, we had a talk and she admitted to sneaking around to see him, and I told her that I knew about it, but I gave her the space to find out for herself if he had changed. She was shocked that I let her do it, but she said to me..."You know ma, you were right, he's a Jerk". It gave me great satisfaction to know that my daughter had grown up to make an adult decision that she truly learned from. So, if your daught does want to try and get to know her father, let her. She will know if he should be in her life, or not. Just give her some space and time to see, and she will let you and him know if this is what she wants.

Angela - posted on 04/25/2009

30

10

2

If your husband doesn't want a relationship with this man, I would really discuss it with your daughter, and have her discuss it with your husband her step father. It sounds like their relationship is more important than this michaels. Try to get a feel for what his intentions are and if hes on a "high" trying to get his personal life together and if this high will fall. If you don't believe he will be consistent (he might move, go to jail, not care about her anymore) don't forbid your daughter but maybe say, "You have so many good support systems right now I don't think he would really offer you any but it's totally up to you" Get a feel for the situation yourself, pray on it and take a step forward. God Bless!

Charla - posted on 04/25/2009

1

5

0

First of all I would have a counselor talk with him to see what his motive is. Could be he is older now and is remorseful about a daughter, but then again I would questions his motives? If the counselor see that it is alright then I would ask your daughter if she would like to see him. I certainly would take this issue to your now husband and see how he feels about this!

Morag - posted on 04/25/2009

304

14

23

You've got every right to be annoyed. He's nothing to you, you owe him nothing... be civil to him... but he's just an aquaintence and always will be. Your daughter though, should be encouraged to see him if she wants. Tbh, too much time has passed, he's missed too much to now come into her life in "father" role. He lost that right a long time ago. She has history, memories, life with her real father, your husband. Once that time has passed, its gone. She knows your husband isn't her biological father, so just seeing where her genetic tree comes from is important. Like adoptee's, you and your husband are her real parents, and only a time machine can change that :)

Anne - posted on 04/25/2009

1

7

0

hell r u mad to to ask such a question ill tell u what to do keep him at arms lenght girl thats what to do,number 1 is this u did all the har4d work then he thinks he gona get the credit for such a wonderfull child ,,2 15 years to late to get to no her and three how will she react to the sudden change ,,girl u r better just the way u r ,,u got ur own ways in how u live ur life a man when let in will try to influnce how u and her should live ,,dont get me wrong i have a son who i brought up for 8 years on my own untill i felt guilty for his father not bieng in his life then that cost me dearly as he now lives with his father as tables have turned,,what went wrong for me might not b for u but again only u can live ur own life my heart goes out to u as i no how hard this is ,,just dont b rushed by him take it at ur pace

[deleted account]

I didnt meet my real dad till I was 13 years old...and after meeting him I realized the type of person he is and hes no longer in my life. But I had the opportunity to make the decision, if I didnt at least try then Ill always wonder. Have you talked to your daughter, is she even curious about this man that is her father? If she is definatly support her and eventually she will find out what kind of person he is and if she wants to continue to have him in her life. Theres a difference between a daddy and someone who is a biological father. Definatly sit with her. She is old enough to let you know how she feels about the situation. Good luck to you two

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms