what to do when you don't get along with Grandchild's mom(daughter-in-law)

Suzie - posted on 02/05/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My son has been married for almost two years i've tried everything to get along with his wife and nothing works.They gave me a beautiful grandson in september and we had a falling out and they won't let me see my grandson if anyone has any ideas let me know .

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Angie - posted on 02/06/2010

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I guess it all depends on what the falling out was about. From your post, it doesn't sound like your like your dil very much. Give them some space and let them know that you will respect their decisions in raising their child but that you would love to have a relationship - on their terms - with your grandson. There's not a lot you can do but be patient and loving and pray that things change.

Stacey - posted on 02/06/2010

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You stated that "nothing works". Have you identified what the issue is with your daughter in law? I know that my mother-in -law feels the same way about me but she fails to care why I continue to keep her at a distance. You may not do any of the things that my mother in law does but there is a reason for the tension, I guarantee it! Before you can say that you have tried everything, you need to identify the problem so you know what to try. If my mother in law cared enough about me to ask that would be half the battle right there!

Aside from that, remember to respect them both as adults. Respect their home. Allow them to raise their child on their terms. Don't have "falling outs". It takes more than one person to have a fight. So if the brawl begins, keep your mouth shut. Apologize for whatever the perceived infraction (even if it seems stupid!) and show your approval for her whenever you honestly can.

All the effort that you are putting in may be great and wonderful things to do. But you can't pour sugar on a wound and expect it to get better. Work on discovering the source of irritation, then removing it, then let it heal. Then try some of the great relationship ideas you have!

I do hope things work out for you. Having family feuds is VERY painful and a waste of precious time.

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[deleted account]

I had the same with my stepdaughter i used to look after my granddaughter every weekend for her to go out and enjoy herself. Then one day i said something that upset her and she stopped me seeing my granddaughter for 6 months. I was so upset and angry but she wouldnt even discuss it. When she let me see her again six months later it was because she couldnt find a babysitter again, a year later the same thing happened. For my own sanity i distanced myself from my grandchild i refused to let her back into my heart because i know her mother used her to get to me. She cant do it anymore and we dont bother at all. It has saved me a lot of heartache in the long run.

[deleted account]

This is a tricky one, your grandson should not be used as a tool against you but this happens all too often. Accept that you may never get on with your son's wife but be polite to her. Apologise for falling out with them (even if you feel you were not to blame). I am sure your son does not like this ill feeling between you but you mustn't use him to get to your grandson. You have to approach both of them or the daughter-in-law will think you are trying to cause trouble. Try to find nice words to say to your daughter-in-law, she may feel resentful because she feels you are critical of her so win her over by supporting her. Hopefully in time as she grows up more she will feel more secure and will welcome you. I know it is hard but it is the only way. If in spite of your best efforts your daughter-in-law does not at least tolerate you then you might speak to your son and ask to see the grandson on a regular basis. After all it is not necessary for your daughter-in-law to be present because your son can visit by himself. Good Luck

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