What to do when your family doesn't approve of your fiancee?

Shelby - posted on 02/09/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have met my fiancee online and we have been going out for nearly a year now. We are planning on meeting up really soon. he lives on the other side of the world. He/ we plan to make this work out and we even already sorted visa plans and wedding dates.
my family haven't met him and at the early stage of our relationship they have been criticizing and judging him. We talk everyday online and other forms of social media. and my family just keeps butting in and making me feel bad about being with him. What do I do for them to understand he is not that bad? **judging meaning- my family doesnt like tattoos and all that and he has some.
he also is straight to the point once someone accuses or judges him he defends himself to the point that my family thinks he is being disrespectful


**He is planning of coming here in a couple of months. he will live with me for the duration of his stay which is bout 3 weeks, and after that i visit him and his family in a couple of months time too. While we get all the visiting back and forth done we will also put together the visa application. We video chat nearly 24/7. if we cant video chat we call each other or text.

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Michelle - posted on 02/09/2013

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I would be wary about being engaged to someone I hadn't actually met face to face first.

I'm not against internet romances at all. I met my husband on FB and one of my good friends has just moved to the other side of the world and married someone she met online but we both met our men face to face before making that commitment.

I think your family is just trying to protect you and don't want to see you get hurt. Are you planning on moving to his country or is coming to you? Where are you and where is he?

These are significant questions as there are a lot of countries that set up these romeo scams and even the most intelligent women can fall for them. It would probably be best that he come and meet your family on a holiday/vacation before you start the whole visa process. It's a major ordeal getting permanent residency in another country.

ETA: If he can't afford to visit for a holiday before moving then how could you afford the visa application costs?

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Liz - posted on 02/10/2013

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As someone who has gone through the visa application process, let me just warn you that you need to prepared to answer a lot of harsh questions about your relationship. You are also going to be required to provide a number of affidavits from people WHO KNOW BOTH OF YOU, for real, not over the internet, and who can legally SWEAR that they know that you have a bona fide relationship, listing their very good reasons for believing this.

Right now, you're not in a position to have such affidavits. Even when you've done all the back and forth visiting that you say will happen, the maximum length of time that any of you will have known each other is so small as to be almost nothing.

The visa process is not easy. My husband and I were already legally married, had shared housing bills, shared tax bills, a child together and affidavits from several friends and family who had known both of us as a couple for some years. I _still_ got put through the wringer, because that is how this process goes.

Do not be surprised if after all of this, the US turns down his visa.

Shelby - posted on 02/09/2013

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He is planning of coming here in a couple of months. he will live with me for the duration of his stay which is bout 3 weeks, and after that i visit him and his family in a couple of months time too. While we get all the visiting back and forth done we will also put together the visa application. We video chat nearly 24/7. if we cant video chat we call each other or text.

Liz - posted on 02/09/2013

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I met my husband on the internet, but I sure as heck made sure to meet him face to face before we started a proper relationship. We had known each other online for 4 years and in person for 2 years when we got engaged.

I would very much caution you against getting married to anyone you haven't met in the flesh. You may think that you get on fabulously well, but physical chemistry DOES play a part. I find that conversations online get very intimate very quickly because a layer of inhibition is stripped away; this gives a fairly false feeling of amazing closeness that just cannot be supported in reality without time and some good old fashioned getting-to-know the whole person.

You say your parents haven't met the guy...but neither have you! Don't think that you really know this person just because you've talked for hours/days/months online.

Chaya - posted on 02/09/2013

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Meet the guy before you get engaged to him, for one thing. I'm not going to say your parents are right, but how can you know they are wrong without having met the guy. Chances are he's a nice enough guy, but I don't know him either.
My family has always been judgemental to me as well, I've literally had to cut them out of my life except facebook. You need to choose how to proceed. It could be that this guy isn't Mr. Right, but keep an open mind on both point of view.

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