what would u do?

Sadie - posted on 12/09/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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hi.... i am in a bit of a dilema and this is y....



i live with my husband, his mum and his sister... we have a nearly one year old......they have been so used to my husbands dad doing all the housework (as he couldnt work as he had a brain tumor) anyway he did absolutely everything.... he unfortunately died in august this year but was in a carehome for two years before hand. as i have been off on mat leave and had the baby i have been expected to do everything and look after him....

i get critised for how i do things as the weather isnt great here in the uk i use the tumble dryer to dry all the small things which dont take long but get told off for doing so.... we have two dogs and they havent been taken for a walk in two years... my hubby's sister gets away with murder and doesnt do anything i have had a word with the MIL but she wont say anything as she doesnt want to cause a rift between the family she also makes the excuse that we all work and im here all day so i should do it.... the MIL wont even hover her own room i have to do it

i just dunno what to do anymore my hubby and i have recently been declared bankrupt so it has lost us any chance in getting our own place... hubby knows im not happy with the way things are but he wont move out of the house if we could....

what would you do/

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You're in a tough spot. You're doing house jobs you don't want to do, and you're doing them because you don't want MIL to complain. Some people are always going to complain, no matter what you do it's never good enough for them! You have to decide what's worse to you- spending time cleaning instead of with the baby, or listening to her grumble between the time she gets home from work and goes to bed. You are probably busy cooking her dinner during this time anyway. You're baby will be a little boy before you know it. Don't let yourself be bullied into spending his early baby years cleaning up after his Grandma and not getting the attention he needs because you're picking up dog poo. Would you do this to his wife when he is grown? Who matters here? Your baby or your MIL? I dunno if this helps... My husband threw a fit about the huge mess in the kitchen after I'd made a fancy roast chicken dinner. I was mad, but I don't like confrontation. So I went on a cooking strike without saying anything and simply plopped frozen dinners on the table for two weeks. It was waaay easier on me, and he was so happy to have homemade food he hasn't complained since. Just do less. Stop talking about it to them, take action without confrontation.

Maria - posted on 12/11/2009

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Where is your family maybe if u and the baby move in with them your hubby will follow. If that is not an option then hire a house keeper.

Sadie - posted on 12/11/2009

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Quoting Brenda:

sounds like your MIL has you and your husband under her thumb, and likes it. Tough situation. I would sit down w/family and explain what you feel is fair. You said you've recently declared bankruptcy, so is it your MIL's home? Are either you or husband bringing in any income or contributing financially? Sounds like you need to put your efforts into getting a home away from MIL.


hi brenda my hubby works full time and its my mil's house we pay £300 each a month rent and his sister pays £250 eventho she gets paid more than my hubby

Anjana Sanghi - posted on 12/10/2009

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maybe there is more to criticizing,why dont u just do what u have to do with love and see as work to god maybe that will help to keep your sanity and mood
hope this helps .if u do things with love and smile in few days all will be well

Corrina - posted on 12/10/2009

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I had a similar situation when I was pregnant with my child. My ex wouldnt lift a finger to help and then when I came home from 2mths in hospiatl with my premmie he still wouldnt help. We lived with the in laws who gave him money for wat i found out to be a drug habit. Anyway, i decided that my child derserved a better life so I moved out. It was really tough going it alone but believe me I was much happier which inturn made my baby happier. I suggest u give him the ultimatium...your mum or your family, then leave. With or without him. If he truly cares for u both he will follow but will he change his ways? I doubt it

Ellen - posted on 12/10/2009

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In my home we all work except my MIL. I do not expect her to do everything but the basics around the house since shes here all day.A little dusting, sweeping and maybe have dinner prepared for when we get home.We all clean the bathroom when we use it everyday, the dishes get washed as you use them unless its a family meal. As for our own rooms its ours so we clean those ourselves. I take care of everyones laundry cause I am the fussy one. If someone dont like how you are doing something, step back and let them take over. Be thankful you have a place to stay under the circumstances but you dont have to take the abuse from anyone. Your husband should be siding with you on that one or make him take over. Good luck, living with IL is not easy

Lucy - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Sadie:

trying to talk to the family doesnt work all ready tried it they just dont listen i can understand if we had our own place i would have to do most of the work but it would just be me, hubby and bub but here there is me, hubby, bub mil and sil. everytime i bring it up they just say well we work i have turned round in the past and said yeah i understand u work but there are single mums out there that work full time have the kids in daycare finish work and pick kids up get the fed and watered etc and in bed then do the housework as its only them there but i have 4 able bodied adults living here.
as far as cleaning the mil's room she moans that its not been done. she also has her own lounge where she smokes in etc and she moans if that doesnt get cleaned.
we do have a garden for the dogs, one belongs to sil (who begged her mum and dad to get on as she would do everything i.e walk it pay for vaccines feed it etc) has she done it since they got it no. the other one belonged to hubbby's dad but he has sadly died so he is now a family dog. no one bothers to clean up the dog dirt in the garden its as if they dont realise that they do pooh so i try and do it once a week.


Even children past a certain age should be expected to clean their own rooms, so I think it is outrageous that two grown adults should expect the maid service! If talking has not helped I have a few suggestions



1. Show your mil and sil this thread and people's answers, hopefully the overwhelming response against their laziness will get them thinking.



2. Just stop going into their rooms, full stop. Nothing in there should be cleaned by you, and any laundry that doesn't get brought out by them doesn't get done.



3. Write a clear break down of your average day, including all housework and duties to do with your baby, with a timing next to each job. Add it all up at the bottom of the page to point out that you work  A LOT more hours than the average 8 hour shift they probably do. Also point out that you get no days off or holiday. Present a copy of it to each of them at the dinner table.



It would be great to know how you get on, good luck!

MARTHA - posted on 12/10/2009

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1. SIT DOWN W/ YOUR HUSBAND TALK W/ HIM..SEE THAT HE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL, YOUR #1 PRIORITY IS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.... THEN SUGGEST THE FOLLOWING TO SIT DOWN WITH THE FAMILY .
2.SPLIT CHORES UP EVENLY...IF ONE COOKS, SOMEONE ELSE DOES DISHES, SOMEONE ELSE CLEANS OUT REFR. ONCE A WEEK BEFORE TRASH DAY.
3.ONE DAY A WEEK EVERYONE JUMPS IN AND CLEANS LIKE SAT. MORN...SPLIT IT UP..ONE DUSTS,ONE WINDEXS,ONE SWEEPS,ONE MOS,ONE CLEANS BATHROOM...EVERYONE DOES THEIR OWN LAUNDRY
4. ONCE A WEEK DO GROC.SHOPPING..LIST IS TO BE MADE ON DRY ERASE BOARD ON REF. (YOU THROW EMPY PACKAGE AWAY, YOU WRITE IT ON BOARD)..MAKE LIST (DON'T ERASE THE BOARD TILL YOU COME BACK HOME)
5.IF YOU HELP PAY BILLS...THEN YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TUBLE DRY CLOTHES..BUY YOUR OWN DETERGENT AND WASHING STUFF ..KEEP IN YOUR CLOSET
IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT GET LITTLE FRID FOR YOUR BEDROOM FOR YOUR GOODIES..MILK FOOD POP.WHATEVER
6. YOUR PETS...IT UNFAIR TO THEM NOT TO GET THE ATTENTION THEY DESERVE, IF YOU LOVE THEM..FIND THEM A GOOD HOME AND ADOPT THEM OUT...SAVES YOU MONEY ,TOO. MAYBE WHEN YOU GETBACK ON YOUR FEET YOU CAN ADOPT THEM BACK OR GET NEW PET.
7.EXPLAIN THAT IF YOU ALL DO THIS ...WHEN YOU RETURN TO WORK ..IT WILL BE EASIER ON EVERYONE , BECAUSE YOU ALL WILL BE USE TO DOING THINGS THIS WAY BY THEN, NOONE WILL BE OVERWELMED THEN
GOOD LUCK!! LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES!!!

[deleted account]

Call a cleaning service in your area and ask for a rate sheet, how much do they charge for each individual job, vacuuming, dusting, dishes, etc. Then very clearly write out a list of all the responsibilities that you are willing to do around the house for free. Post the list of the jobs you're willing to do and the rates you will charge for any job that's not on the list somewhere in the house, maybe even give a small discount from what the cleaning service charges. Then just simply let the family know that if they are expecting you to do more than your fair share (i.e. clean their personal space) then you expect to be paid for it. If they don't like it then give them the number of the cleaning service and let them hire someone else to do it.

Then after a month or so maybe you can start doing some of those things that you would normally charge for for free every once in awhile to let them know that you appreciate them letting you live there. Leave a note showing your appreciation and they will understand that they have been taking advantage of you and will hopefully become more appreciative of you. Good luck!

Indira - posted on 12/10/2009

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if you believe in prayer, please pray to God for help...the reason I say this is, my mom was in a similar situation back in the 80s back in India. In our culture, it is kind of expected that the daughter-in-law shoulder most of the responsibilities at home, atleast back in the day, and my mom was working too at the time, and taking care of my brother and me...my grandma and aunt were with her, and my aunt had another year and a half to complete her education in that place...when my mom could not handle to stress any more...by the way me my mom is a very reasonable person...she just cried out to God in her heart that she could not go on like that anymore. And soon to her surprise, my grandma and aunt decided to move out to another place where she was going to continue her college education (in the middle of the college year???)...that would be my suggestion to you too...I will pray for you too...

Kaysee - posted on 12/10/2009

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Personnally I would smack my husband in the head and tell him to help me out and make his sis and mom understand your position, or I would stop doing anything that relates to the two women and only take care of my husband and child. The second works better just to let you know. I did that to my husband when he was unable to put dirty clothes in a hamper instead of the floor. Only the clothes in the hamper got washed. After going to work in dirty clothes for a few days he learned where the hampers were. As it is your husbands family he really needs to step in and stand up, like a man, to his mommy for you. At this time you are struggling, but your a team and need to back each other up or his family will become a constant speed bump in your relationship. I think your best option is to sit down with him and discuss it and also to set up a plan to get out as soon as possible.

Joanne - posted on 12/10/2009

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Any excuse to be lazy. They let a dieing man do everything. Now its your turn because you are a pushover. I am a stay at home mum as have just had a baby. My husband would not dream of letting me do every thing around the house as being a mum is a full time job in its self. You need a break and your husband needs to side with you or find you a place of your own. Renting. You poor thing must be exhausted!

Daniele - posted on 12/10/2009

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Having been in a very similar situation, I know what you mean and how you feel. And the solution isn't pretty and it isn't pleasant. It will cause problems, but you and your husband have to be prepared to stand firm. Stop washing their clothes/towels/linens. Stop cleaning their bedrooms. Period. I would clean the rest of the house and wash the dishes simply because you don't want your child being in a filthy environment. I would also keep cleaning the dog's area because it isn't right to make the animals suffer becuase your MIL and SIL are awful people. It is not your problem to take care of them - you are not a maid. Yes, they will complain and whine, but that is something that you will have to live with if you don't want to clean their messes forever. Good luck and I'm sorry about the situation. Things will get better eventually.

HOlly - posted on 12/10/2009

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I agree with everyone else on here. Just taking care of your baby is a full time job. First off you need your hubby on your side... You both need to or just you need to sit the family down and say.... I am not a slave, I will clean what needs to be cleaned.. I will do what I think I need to do.. as for their rooms... whatever it may be even if it just vacuuming it... They do it... You do not do it!! With the sister... Who cares if it will cause a little tiff between family members... it will blow off. You NEED to stick up for your self.. Dont let anyone walk over you. You are a human being... Not a slave and that is how they are treating you!! Do you have anywhere else to go??

LeAnn - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Sadie:

what would u do?

hi.... i am in a bit of a dilema and this is y....

i live with my husband, his mum and his sister... we have a nearly one year old......they have been so used to my husbands dad doing all the housework (as he couldnt work as he had a brain tumor) anyway he did absolutely everything.... he unfortunately died in august this year but was in a carehome for two years before hand. as i have been off on mat leave and had the baby i have been expected to do everything and look after him....
i get critised for how i do things as the weather isnt great here in the uk i use the tumble dryer to dry all the small things which dont take long but get told off for doing so.... we have two dogs and they havent been taken for a walk in two years... my hubby's sister gets away with murder and doesnt do anything i have had a word with the MIL but she wont say anything as she doesnt want to cause a rift between the family she also makes the excuse that we all work and im here all day so i should do it.... the MIL wont even hover her own room i have to do it
i just dunno what to do anymore my hubby and i have recently been declared bankrupt so it has lost us any chance in getting our own place... hubby knows im not happy with the way things are but he wont move out of the house if we could....
what would you do/


 

Brenda - posted on 12/10/2009

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sounds like your MIL has you and your husband under her thumb, and likes it. Tough situation. I would sit down w/family and explain what you feel is fair. You said you've recently declared bankruptcy, so is it your MIL's home? Are either you or husband bringing in any income or contributing financially? Sounds like you need to put your efforts into getting a home away from MIL.

Lisa - posted on 12/10/2009

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personally love i think taking complete advantage of u, u need to put some ground rules down, at the end of the day they may work but so do u looking after a child 24 hours a day is the hardest job in the world and they need to understand that, at the end of the day wen they work they get a day off u on the other hand dont. They need to take there turn with the chores im not saying dont do any chores but u do need help, for a start cleaning there room's is completely ridiculous how can they expect u to do that? more to the point why are u doing that? also his sister need's to get her head out her back side! They critise everything u do well i would tell them to do it themselfs, ur doing all that with no appreciation i can really understand why ur so down about this, u need to seriously sit them all down and sort out some ground rules because it wont get any better unless u do. Good luck darl and keep ur chin up

Sharon - posted on 12/10/2009

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Get out.

You aren't a slave! Grow a pair and get the hell out!

He doesn't want to leave his mommy? WTF? You are home, so yes, do the household chores but do them the way you want to and don't take no guff from those blowhards. Give your husband back his balls, maybe he'll stand up to the harridan he calls his mother.

Emma - posted on 12/10/2009

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I would explain to them that expecting you to work for them with no pay or even a little gratitude is a lot like slavery. It seems like they are relying on the fact that you cannot move out right now and you want a clean happy house for your child. If they want a housekeeper you deserve wages! You could save them for a deposit for your own place then. Your mil and sil won't change their attitude unless your husband backs you up though so agree a plan so you can be a united front. Good luck.

Gwen - posted on 12/10/2009

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Just stop doing everything for a few days, then maybe they'll realize how much you REALLY do!

Rachel - posted on 12/10/2009

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In my opinion, looking after a small child is a full time job too! It would be good if you did some housework obviously but sometimes doing it all to a high standard is just not possible....and why do they have a dryer if you can't use it? Cleaning their rooms is a total out. . .I would say to them that you are happy to try your best but their rooms are their space and if they want the rest of the stuff done well they should do that themselves. I would also ask your partner if he can't help out with housework a bit in the evenings if he is so determined to make it work at home...or take the little one for a bath and a play while you catch up. No situation should be making you miserable and stressed. I understand their are money issues but as a single mum on a low income I get a lot of help and a council house when I want one.....have you looked into all your benefit allowences? The council will sometiimes pay rent for you if you are struggling and your small family needs their own space. I would be strong and put your foot down here.....I am sure the family don't want you to leave..maybe make iti clear that is a possibility if the situation continues. Good luck.

Pam - posted on 12/10/2009

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I think the same as everyone else, if they keep throwing in your face that they work then remind them that you do to, your looking after your baby and doing housework etc but i wouldn't clean their rooms for them, you need time off to relax too, regarding you being bankrupt, have you been to local council regarding a house, might take a while to get one but be worth the wait if you get your own place.

Sadie - posted on 12/10/2009

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trying to talk to the family doesnt work all ready tried it they just dont listen i can understand if we had our own place i would have to do most of the work but it would just be me, hubby and bub but here there is me, hubby, bub mil and sil. everytime i bring it up they just say well we work i have turned round in the past and said yeah i understand u work but there are single mums out there that work full time have the kids in daycare finish work and pick kids up get the fed and watered etc and in bed then do the housework as its only them there but i have 4 able bodied adults living here.
as far as cleaning the mil's room she moans that its not been done. she also has her own lounge where she smokes in etc and she moans if that doesnt get cleaned.
we do have a garden for the dogs, one belongs to sil (who begged her mum and dad to get on as she would do everything i.e walk it pay for vaccines feed it etc) has she done it since they got it no. the other one belonged to hubbby's dad but he has sadly died so he is now a family dog. no one bothers to clean up the dog dirt in the garden its as if they dont realise that they do pooh so i try and do it once a week.

Melanie - posted on 12/10/2009

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next time she bitches tell her to stick a broom up ur arse and you'll sweep the floors as well as everything else. I understand that u r at home but that doesn't mean u should have to do everything as you deserve a break esp with baby too. It's not the ideal situation but u can't be expected to do everything. I think ur family have got to used to having things done for them. I know what that's like my husband cooks every night but when he started working part-time i had to start cooking and i hate it. I'm doing it but i don't like doing it. I think you all need to sit down and discuss this esp u & ur husband as it's his mum. You need to find a balance before everything gets on top of you xx

Casey - posted on 12/10/2009

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I agree with both of the other mums, everyone needs to have a job and your is to do the house work and cooking but there is no way you should be doing their washing or cleaning their rooms and if they're not your dogs then I wouldn't be walking them or feeding them either (the person who owns the dogs needs to take responsibility for them), you need to write down a list of the jobs you will be doing and a list of jobs your won't be doing and then you all need to sit down and talk about it and come to a solution that everyone is happy with.

Rebecca - posted on 12/10/2009

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I agree with Edith that you should do the housework and cooking but leave their rooms, after all if you lived in your own house, you would be the one doing the majority of the housework, as you're a stay at home mum. There is no way their rooms are your responsibility though! I also agree that they should help out with dishes, as night time is your time off too, while your child is in bed so you should get some time out too. And that they should do their own washing and you do your's, hubby's and bub's. For a start, if you weren't there, they would have to do it and besides, why should you have to touch their dirty knickers?!!?

Good luck with it all, you need to set some rules and stand firm, don't let them walk all over you.

Bec :)

Edith - posted on 12/10/2009

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well i would do the house chores n cooking but i wouldn't do the cleaning in their rooms at all. that's their personnel space so let them do it. n i would let ur hubby know that's ur rule so when u tell them he's not surprised. if u have a yard let the dogs out let them do their business n bring them in u have a baby n the house 2 take care of. so 1 of them should walk the dogs. n ur hubby should help w/ taking the trash out n doing the yard work. n his sis should do the dishes after meals when she's home. but what u have 2 do is talk 2 ur man tell him how things r gonna b then have a family meeting n set down the rules. u have 2 b firm cause they're taking advantage of u. n it's not right or fair. oh n u should only have 2 do ur laundry n ur hubby n baby, but no 1 else's. they r lazy n ur being suckered in2 doing it all. ur man should tell them how it's gonna roll so they know u mean business. good luck!

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