What would you do?

Kimberly - posted on 02/25/2011 ( 222 moms have responded )

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I currently live in London, England but in two months time my husband, I and our 18 month old daughter are moving to Houston, Texas. My husband's company is paying for us to take a trip to Houston in 3 weeks time to go house hunting. There has been debate over whether to bring our daughter with us on this trip. I'm from Nebraska and we visited my family over the Christmas holidays...the flight with my daughter was a nightmare, we sat on the runway for 2 hours before we even took off and she screamed for much of that time because we were told she had to remain in our laps and wasn't allowed to walk, she refused to sleep, it was just very stressful. Then when we got home she suffered from jet lag for about a month and she's just now finally getting back into sleeping through the night again. This house hunting trip is going to be a max of 6 days, we'll fly there, spend 4 days house hunting, then fly home.

My husband's opinion is that he doesn't want to deal with her on the flight, the jet lag, etc. all for the sake of a 6 day trip, but he wants me to come along. My opinion is he goes himself, or he gets both of us. The only people we have here to look after our daughter are his parents, who are in their mid-60's and she's never even spent the night away from us before. I just don't feel comfortable leaving her behind and I refuse to do it. My husband does agree that he doesn't want to leave her behind but he doesn't really want to take her either. There is the option for him to go on his own, but I would like some say in our future home! (we're just looking for a rental for the next year or so and then we'll buy a place after that)

So my question is, what would you do in this situation? Would you just stay home and let your husband go on his own? Or should I insist all 3 of us go?

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Amy - posted on 02/25/2011

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I'd have faith that my husband could find a reasonable apartment for the 3 of us to live in on his own. I wouldn't do that to your daughter besides this time your probably staying in a hotel so she won't have the run of families houses, and what child wants to go from apartment to apartment for 6 days. Have your husband take his laptop and a digital camera he can download the pics every night and you can decide that way. It's only a year you'll be living there and if your husbands choice is really bad you can start your house searching early.

Marcy - posted on 02/25/2011

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Don't go....especially since you are renting. Give him a laundry list off all the things that you are looking for (garage, yard etc) and then let him send you pictures. Since its just a rental and its only ayear its no big deal. Just make sure the neighborhood is good, lots of kids and easy access to the highways and stores. We moved out to California years ago and my hubby rented our first apartment on his own. I think it kind of adds to the excitement plus it shows that you trust his judgement.

Elfrieda - posted on 02/25/2011

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I would leave her with his parents. They'll have a nice bonding time before you move. You'd miss her, but she would have a nice consistent schedule with her grandparents, and you two could gallivant all over Houston looking for a house without worrying about naptimes, playtimes, and bedtimes.

Jenni - posted on 03/01/2011

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As a grandmother, I can only say one thing: as bad as the grandparents may be about routine, what routine do you think you would have househunting with a toddler? Either bite the bullet and be generous, let the grandparents have some quality time with their granddaughter, or stay at home. Grandparents may seem to have no discipline, but if they are in charge, I am sure things would be different. After all, they have brought up children of their own. I think your husband is being very sensible.

Denise - posted on 02/28/2011

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You had your husband before you had your child. Your husband will remember this and your choice of the Child over your marriage partner. Your child is too young to remember wether she was left or not and if his parents are willing to watch the granddaughter that they soon will be without would be difficult at first but then a blessing for all. Besides, it could be a romantic and bonding experience if you let it. Remember it will eventually be just you and your husband again when the "empty nest" happens.

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JACINTA - posted on 03/07/2011

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just stay at home with your baby. Your hubby can do all that alone afterall you trust him, dont you?

Teresa - posted on 03/07/2011

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Oh....just thought. There is a great website for the Houston area: har.com . Go there, then click on 'find a home', and it will lead you through the rest. That's how we found this house when we moved here. Never have seen another website like it anywhere I've lived. It will save you hours and hours of hunting.

Teresa - posted on 03/07/2011

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I would take your baby with you. If there is a problem with her, you can't get home fast enough to make it worth leaving her. If you are only going to rent for a year though, it might be good to list what you can't live without and let your husband pick the rental. Then you will have a home to be in temporarily while you house hunt to buy. You can live in almost anything for a year. More advice....don't know where he will work, but the Katy area of Houston is great. We moved here 5 years ago and it's a great place. We will be moving back where we came from in a few months and selling our house here, but we have loved the area, our neighborhood and the schools in Katy are great! Good luck to you!

Angela - posted on 03/07/2011

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I would take yr child with you. Yr a family now & its both yr responsibility 2 care for her in good time & not so good times. Its definately a good idea 2 get a lay of the land. that is what i did wen we moved from Missouri 2 Tenneessee. I would drive yr husband 2 wk or buy a cheap car for now. How in the world wood you go grocery shoppin, pay bills & if either one of you got sick go 2 the Dr? Its irresponsibile 2 have no car. Wait til yr child is in school. The school district will tell you come & walk 2 get yr child if they call you if shes sick. They dont care if yr husband has the car cause then he will have 2 leave work 2 go get yr child. Good luck. These are only wise things ive learned through the yrs since my eldest is 16 & my baby is 6. Good luck on the trip.

Simone - posted on 03/07/2011

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have some trust in your in laws. your husband turned out, didn't he? you have 3 months to get her used to spending time with them-increase gradually and they will be fine. the time with your husband can also be bonding time with each other/couples time, which is also really important for the future of your family. last but not least if your husband has to go alone, have some trust in him

A. Violetta - posted on 03/07/2011

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I don't think you could leave her with her grandparents not because they are in their 60s. 60s is not geriatrics. At her age, she is attached to one carer, probably you, if you are the main carer, and she would not only feel unhappy but it may hurt her sense of security that developes at this time. You might want to read Bowlby's attachment theory, if you have not done so already. Explain this to him your concerns and let him decide if he wants to go on his own. You need not expect her to behave the same way as she did during your last trip under not so ideal circumstances. Her welfare should be your primary concern. Good luck.

Leanne - posted on 03/07/2011

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If you are renting this property it would be good idea to stay at home with the baby and let your husband do it. Then a more permanent decision to buy can be made at a later date.

Saleena - posted on 03/07/2011

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Even though your daughter has a relationship with her grandparents I don't think it's fair to them, your daughter or you to be apart that long if she hasn't even spent a night alone. If you have her carseat, toys and something for her to drink or chew on during take off/landing will help too!! She might have some jet lag, but so will you two!! Insist on her going too, or hubby has to go alone ;( not ideal but I'm sure hubby knows what you need in a house!! Good luck ;-) it's stressful but it'll be a short trip ;-) you can also see how she does this time compared to Christmas so you know what works and what you need to fix for the BIG move where there's no option for leaving anyone behind ;)

Gloria - posted on 03/07/2011

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I think the two of you should go and leave her with her grandparents. She may fuss at the beginning but she will be ok. It will be less stress for the both of you and easier for you to house hunt.

Helena - posted on 03/07/2011

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I agree with LG - buy her her own seat and put her car seat in the plane seat. Children usually do sleep soundly in the car seats.

Katy - posted on 03/07/2011

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when my son was @ about 7 months old, my sister & I took my son from Sacramento, CA to Kansas City, KS. He slept for about 30 min before the flight, and most of the flight, as he woke up for take off but went back to sleep. But of course, 7 months is a lot different than 18 months, when they think they can go without a nap. Your last plane trip wasn't so long ago & very undesirable for a repeat, so i would stay home w/the baby.

I'd suggest writing out a prioritized wish list of what you want in your house. Example: A washer and dryer in would be important to me, but not AS important as being able to see the living room & dining room from the kitchen (so I could see my son playing as I'm cooking in the kitchen). For this reason my list might look something like this:
1. kitchen w/a view of play area
2. washer/dryer in the unit
then have him take pictures of the places he thinks u both will like.

Vinitha Pravin - posted on 03/07/2011

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If your child does not stay with anybody please do not leave her with anybody as she will fall sick and will be a nightmare to those taking care and for both of you. Just let your husband go alone and look for the house it is matter of a year to stay and once you are settled there you can change your house after 6 months if possible as house is not a major issue but your child is. House can always be changed but your child's health to get back will be a major issue. Do not leave the burden of your child on somebody else and your hubby's parents are in their 60's so do not expect them to take care. Your child is your responsibility. Your inlaws will love their grandchild but at this age it is not possible to take care of a toddler I am sure if we slip in their shoes you will understand.

Veronica - posted on 03/07/2011

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Let him go by himself.....I suffer terribly on the plane! Everyone experience is different and sounds too much if not absolutely necessary....just make sure your husband knows what you want in the new home...

Debbie - posted on 03/07/2011

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I would let him go the first half of trip, you fly in the second half, as it allows him to weed through the junk. Then leave her with your parents, but get them a sitter for support. That way it is the best of all worlds. You do want to be part of the decision process but it is really not necessary for both of you to be there the whole time. When you fly in, you get to go see the cream of the crop. Your daughter does not miss you verymuch. I do sell real estate and I know the three of you looking at houses it will slow the process down considerably and you may not have any success.

Cathie - posted on 03/07/2011

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since you are only going to rent, let him go by himself because your daughter will be the same way when you take her house hunting, and you need your whole mind for that.....then have your husband take pictures of the place he likes and get your approval that way, he could e mail them to you...but your biggest say on your future home should be with a house not just the rental!!!

Angela - posted on 03/07/2011

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All 3 of you should make the trip. Do you really want to spend the next year living in a house that may not have been your first choice. Also if you don't feel comfortable leaving on the trip without your child you shouldn't. You will just spend the entire trip being worried.

Leanne - posted on 03/07/2011

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you know i wouldnt leave my children with people thy have not spent the night with and i have a 3 year old and a 7 month old and we are house hunting i have not gone on a plane with my kids but i agree the first time can be hard on the child i asked others perants on flights i had been on as one flight i was pregnant now my husband knows what i wont in a house so i trust him but i also wont to be there as this is a huge change i agree with a set for you daughter and the issue with looking at so many house is easy i do this with my 3 year old tern it in to a game if she can talk witch i would think she can ask her what she thinks and talk to her about it tell her about the big move and with the hotel pack a blanket that is her favret and some toys and if it has a tv and dvd take some of her fav dvds we try to go away at lest once a year but there where times where we had no choice to take our 3 year old befor our youngest was born and we did all the things i segested and it mad it esyer we even went away for christmas with both kids now that was an advencture good

Caroline - posted on 03/07/2011

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We moved to the States from the UK, and as I was pregnant and had a 3 year old, we didn't look at houses, could your husbands employer put you up in an apartment for 1 month (with the possibility of extending it) when you move over, so that you can househunt once you're here. Alternatively, if you have to look at houses, just send your husband over and at least you have the knowledge that it's a rental and you can move again if you hate it.

Joan - posted on 03/07/2011

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Stay home with your baby, traveling like this is to stressful for a child that young. Your husband can look around and take pictures of the homes and send them to you, via e-mail. And since you will only be "renting" instead of buying this isn't such a big deal. You don't want to cause stress to you and your baby.

Kelly - posted on 03/07/2011

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Hi Kimberly, I love that you and your husband agree on all three or he goes alone - that relieves some stress. I am flexible on what type of house we live in; I'm more concerned with schools, neighborhood, activities for my kids in the area, and convenience of running errands. All of my interests are searchable online or through emails with realtor. We were not moving across the Atlantic, but my husband's schedule was insane when we were house-hunting, so I video-taped the finalists and that helped him participate and narrow it down. If you have a laptop and internet service, he can Skype the walk-throughs for you to "be there" without being there. What would I do? I would stay with my child and use technology to help me participate. All the best, Kelly

Elaine - posted on 03/07/2011

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Personally I would let my husband go by himself and trust that he would know what I would want in a rental home. He could take pictures and send them to you, he could also text you the dimensions of each room, ect. That way you are able be home with your daughter and won't have to disrupt her schedule.

Sue - posted on 03/07/2011

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Hi, My husband is from England also. Our daughter is 4 now and she has been travel with us to England since 9 months old. It is a very long trip for 6 days. I would either stay at home or going for a longer time then 6 days.

Vicki - posted on 03/07/2011

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Personally, I believe all three of you should go! Since your daughter has been on a previous trip, it may be a totally different experience, you may even have reflected some of your own reservations the last time & even though they are young they feel everything that we go through. I believe you would gain far more with going as a family, then it also becomes a united decision in where you live as well. Good luck with your new venture!

Meredith - posted on 03/07/2011

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Been there and done that! First she will need to learn to be away from you eventually. If your in-laws are willing to help out for the 6 days, then leave her home and you and your husband go. Before the trip you can start getting her used to the both of you not being there by doing little sleep overs, meaning one night every few days until you leave for your trip. This way she gets used to being with her grandparents and you get used to not havign her there with you.

Then ahead of your trip find a realator. Search on-line for a list of houses that you want to look at when you get there. Be prepared to move fast. Have funds ready to go to cover 1st months rent, 1 deposit equal to the month's rent, and the the last month's rent. Also you may need to have deposits ready to go for utilities as well. So if your rental budget is $1500, then you need to have at least $5000 in funds for all of the deposits (including utilities)

I think the anxiety you are feeling is because you have a very tight deadline and moving with a small child is just a pain, but I think you going with your husband without your child is the best thing you can do. This way you can focus your energies and secure a place to live in the short amount of time allotted. I've done a couple of times and doing with the hubby alone is not the best solution, and having the child there with you just slows you down.

hope this helps. Best of luck.,

Lilliana - posted on 03/07/2011

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Im from Houston Texas and honestly I dont feel comfortable leaving my son alone for couple hours let alone 6days however most places for sale/rent/lease in Houston can be found on the web. If I were you I'd look around for what fits your price range area and pictures. Not only would you get to look around with your husband but you wouldnt have to worry about your daughters flying experience. After looking around make a list of your favorite places together and send him on his own to look over the details. Not only will it save you the trouble of having an uncomfortable baby and going from house to house but it will make it easier and faster. And you will have taken part in the experience, besides its just a rental so dont worry about not being there. Hope this helps and good luck!!

Monica - posted on 03/07/2011

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I wouldn't leave her with grandparents if they don't have a very strong bond.

I'm from London UK, and when I moved to Nebraska, I was pregnant and I did not wanted to apartment hunt due to sickness. So, my husband went ahead but we did apartment hunt online. You can google and research the area you are interested in and check apartments and then pick and have your husband go and check them out. While you stay behind with your daughter. He can email.pictures of the area and apartments. If its only a week. Or, take your little and view it as a vacation and have fun. I'm sorry for being short, my battery life is about to expire. Good luck on your move.

Sarah - posted on 03/07/2011

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Whatever you do, I wouldn't take her. Not only did she make you miserable on your last trip, but SHE was miserable, too. And, if I were you, I'd go! I would want to know where I would be living and have some say. His parents aren't so old they're invlaid, they're just older than you. As long as they're able-bodied and aren't entering senility, your daughter will be fine. I assume she does know them? She'll care less than you will, I promise!

Melody - posted on 03/07/2011

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This is a different country you need to know your going to feel safe and that there are nice parks ect i would let grand parents have some quality time with you child and let them remember that you are doing this on your own mabe they will have more respect for you from now on

Debra - posted on 03/07/2011

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IF you are looking only for a rental at this time, stay home with your child and let your husband go solo. You can look for your permanent home together next year. Best of luck with what ever you decide. I like the idea of you receiving pictures of the possibilities so you will be part of the decision. Many rental agencies now have virtual tours as well!

Cynthia - posted on 03/07/2011

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If it was my permanent home I would insist on all of us going! Since it's only a rental, I would just communicate via email, text, etc. Maybe give your hubby a list of "specifics" so he would know what to look for in your future house?!

Melody - posted on 03/07/2011

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trial a night with the grand parents see how she goes it sounds more like your not ready to take that step of spending time apart and this opportunity would be very benificial for your relationship too some time together.

Tina - posted on 03/07/2011

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If the trip was so stressful last itme, I would start now by leaving her for a night with your parents in law each week, then you and your hubby can go house hunting in peace and make the right decision on a house, its difficult if your trying to make a judgment and you have such a young time. If your in laws are computer literate you can talk to her via skype. Only let hubby go on his own if you truly trust his judgment. Remember most women make the deciison over the home and you have to live out there. The only other way round is to hire a nanny or arrange day care whilst you look at homes good luck.

Kristiana - posted on 03/07/2011

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We moved from San Francisco to London when our daughter was 7 months old. We sent my husband on a 6-day scouting trip to identify the area we wanted, then we had a furnished apt we chose for a month from agent pics. It wasn't great, but it was in the area we wanted and we saw lots of options together while waiting for our furniture to arrive. Seems likely that you may have some similar options here. But either way, I once endured an apt I hated for two years. One year is really manageable, even if your husband's choice doesn't turn out just what you wanted.

Caroline - posted on 03/07/2011

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I would definitely leave my child at home. Especially if u have family who could take care of her. Since it is still two months away you can have your daughter try a sleepover at your in laws house and see how that works. OR since it is only a house hunt for a rental tell your husband what your wishes r and let him choose the house. He can send u pictures of his top 3 choices and u can still be involved in the decision making. We moved from Bermuda to California. My husband saw 9 houses in 2 days and I was very happy with his choice we ended up living there for 4 years and loved it. I have 2 kids now and from experience traveling with them from ages 1-4 years old is usually challenging when there r no delays so add that to the mix and it is a recipe for a very stressful experience which can be avoided. If u really want to go then go as it will be good for your child to get used to someone else taking care of her - got to let go sometime. She won't even remember it later on in life. If you trust your husbands judgment let him go at it alone. With all of the technology today you should still be able to help in the decision making. Good luck!!

Leslie - posted on 03/07/2011

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It's been a long time but we traveled extensively with our son when he was young so I know what you're going through. It's a very long flight from the UK to Houston but I would think taking your daughter would make it less stressful on the other end. I assume you're staying in a hotel once you get to Houston so I would ask for child care(with references of course)to look after her while you're looking at houses. She'll be with someone she doesn't know but you could try and time it around naps etc. Plus, you have the assurance that the hotel has approved the sitters. You'll be happy because you can see your daughter but she doesn't have to be dragged around from house to house and can try to stay on a more "normal" schedule. Although, with the time change, it's not that easy. Depends on your child and you're the one that knows her best. Definitely don't bring her when you're looking at houses. Too distracting.

Katy - posted on 03/07/2011

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I see both sides of this situation. I respect those who wouldn't leave thier kids for that long. I would, but I also have family that listens very well when it comes to routines. I say, stay home and send hubby on his own. I did a lot of house hunting on my own when we moved 8 years ago. I took lots of pictures then he went to a few that we had chosen. That is definately the way to go.

Nicola - posted on 03/07/2011

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I can understand your dilemma! I'm from London and have been living in the States for the last 11 years and now have three young kids (all under the age of 3!). Based on your situation and the fact that the trip is for only 6 days plus you are only looking for a rental for a year before buying, I would say let him go alone. The hassle and stress of packing, getting to the airport, going through security, boarding, the long flight itself and keeping your daughter entertained (whilst keeping your sanity), immigration, and the jet lag and THEN doing it again in six days time - phew let him do it alone. You can do a lot of research on areas and rental properties before he goes and give him a long wish list. If you guys have a computer at home and he has a laptop, Skype in the evenings and talk about what he's seen while it's fresh in his head.
Good luck to you and your search and welcome back to the States!
Nicky

Yvonne - posted on 03/07/2011

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We were in a simular situation, but my son was 4 when we moved from California to Illinois due to his job. In our case we all went, but when I say all it was me, my husband, his mother (who lived with us then) and our son. Our son was older than your daughter so its a bit different.
I will say however, is this more about you not wanting to be away from your daughter? If so, I can understand that as I hate to be away from my son. However if it sounds like it will be more of a burden to take her and would cause unneeded stress on you all (even her). If you really want to see where your going to live I would let his parents watch her (60's are not that old). She will be fine, it is you that have to be okay with it. If you dont go and you dont like the home your husband pick, you really cant get upset with him. :o)

Amanda - posted on 03/07/2011

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I would suggest not putting your family through that! Not for a rental anyways. Give your husband a list of requests and, like others have suggested, have him send you pictures and make sure he sees the neighborhood on a weekend night to make sure its a safe, quiet place. Im a total freak when it comes to people watching my babies too and thats along way to be from your baby, but it could prove to be a nice get-a-way for you two. In the end only you know what you are comfortable doing. Good luck!

Kristi - posted on 03/07/2011

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While kids are greatly resilient, I would think that's a big trip just for the sake of a few days. Given the fact that the house will only be a rental, have your husband take pics and send them to you. I'm sure he knows what you like and dislike. And with the internet, you could almost be there looking at the house too. I understand your wanting to be here to see the houses first-hand, but it sounds like it would be too much for your daughter to handle and I would agree that leaving her behind isn't the best idea either.

DENISE - posted on 03/07/2011

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Have someone trust worthy Stay at your house for the 6 days. You and your husband enjoy a mini vacation Together Alone. The next few months might be pretty difficult and some alone time 1st might be great.

His parents are ONLY mid 60's she'd be fine with them but see if they would stay at your house. If you have a babysitter, have her drop in and check on them off and on.

Julie Doyle - posted on 03/07/2011

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as i said earlier 3 of u go u would not enjoy it without ur daughter listening to ur story take her good luck

Fran - posted on 03/07/2011

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Trust your husband to find somewhere to rent and save you and your daughter that horrific trip. I'm sure he'll find somewhere then you can take your time to find what you want when you move and find what you want without time constraints good luck x

Lykke - posted on 03/07/2011

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Go online and do some research, if we had to do this, my husband would go by himself with a list of MUST'S. You are flying to another country to go house hunting, not another state! Stay behind get exited with your daugther about all the new things you have to go see, and TALK to her about the move as often as you can!

Dionne - posted on 03/07/2011

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I think I wouldn't be comfortable leaving the baby either. Especially if she hasn't ever spent a night away. You will probably be stressed out during the trip from worry if she doesn't go. I would try talking to your husband again about your feelings and as a last option he may have to go alone and pick out your new home.

Pam - posted on 03/07/2011

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I'd leave her. It'll be hard, but how much house hunting can you do around HER schedule??? I know it's hard leaving her, but when you had such a horrible experience before, why put her thru that again so soon??? Let her stay a night with the grandparents SOON and see how it goes. It'll give them bonding time and if you're going to be leaving it'll be something special for them too!!!!
Do you know what area you're going to be looking in? The Woodlands has GREAT schools (and preschools) and it's a wonderful community. I've actually got a friend who just put their house on the market for lease, although with the economy, I'm sure there are lots out there!!

Ralitsa - posted on 03/07/2011

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I have traveled across the ocean with my daughter few times and I will NEVER easily recommend that. Of course, it depends on the child, but if you have an energetic, lively one - that is a torture for the child. More so - dragging her around houses to "look" at. She is a child! I have looked for a car and did house renovation with mine - another difficult experience. My personal opinion is that we have to give our children space! To let them grow bit by bit and to connect to other people than us. I do not know why you don't trust your in-laws, and I am sure you have good reasons, but they are family, and will be forever. It is good for a child to have more people to love them and to show them affection, and, it is good in general, to be able to start learning that people are different and you create different relationships with them and get different things from that communication. Trust me, that is not ambitious - children that young do get it! All that said - you know best what is possible for you! But keep in mind - its not always selfish to leave the children behind and let them grow a tiny bit. Sometimes is selfish to keep them too close. I have done both!

Valerie - posted on 03/07/2011

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Only bad thing about Business seating is you can not raise the arm, so she does not have the ability to lay down with her head in your lap. If you bring a car seat, this should not be an issue. I have been traveling internationally with my daughter since she was 6 weeks and you just need to provide them comfort. There is no way a lap would be comfortable for 10+ hours for anyone.

Valerie - posted on 03/07/2011

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In addition, you need to start having her spend time away. With sitters even just for a few hours. You are doing her a disservice and separation will be harder the older she gets. It is healthy to have your children get to know different environments, on their own. It helps them develop confidence and independence, even at this young age. She needs to know that Mommy and Daddy always come back because they love her so much but she needs space and honestly, so do you.

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