What would you do if you found out your 14yr old daughter was having sex?

Jody - posted on 01/14/2010 ( 195 moms have responded )

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I have had the talk with her several times and she still went out and had sex? What would you do?

Ok to answer everyone's questions. First of all I have had the sex talk with her forever now. She and I have always been very close and had a good open talking relationship but she still always knew I was the mom. I was a teen mom at 17 and have told her many times I want a better life for her. And she has seen 2 live births in person and has had to care for younger kids because her dad has 2 and I also have 2 more under her. I am taking her to the dr's to have her checked for STD's and putting her on the Depo shot because that's what I am on and don't want to chance her missing a pill. I told her I don't condone her having sex but I can't stop it either so I'd rather her be safe then sorry. And yes I have told her if she still chooses to have sex a condom must always be used because we don't want to see her end up with an STD or AIDS. At least with the shot I know she will be getting it every 3 months. As for how she she was able to have sex. Her father and I never married so she goes with him on weekends. We live 30 mins apart and on school breaks he would allow her to come back here and hang out with her friends for days at a time. I never allowed this. I am much stricter then him. I would always have her friends or boyfriend come here so that way I could supervise what was going on and if she did want to go somewhere with friends I would always speak to the parent to make sure they were supervised at all times. The 1st time she had sex was when she told her dad she was going to a friends house and instead went to a boys house and the 2nd time I was at physical therapy and she snuck her boyfriend onto my property and went off it the woods to do there thing. It's really sad when I can't even trust her to go outside my own house. I am currently a stay at home mom going threw a divorce and unfortunately my soon to be ex still lives in the home and is no use for keeping an eye on her. I have had many late night talks with her since her dad found this out threw her facebook and hope I have gotten threw to her. Of course being a typical teen she is mad at her dad for invading her privacy. I told her I love her no matter what but I still think she is too young to be heading on this path already. I have explained about how guys will use her, how it can give you a bad rep in school and so on. She said she didn't want to tell anyone because she was ashamed of what she had done. I told her it's going to take a lot to earn back the trust of her father and I. She has always had a great support system and we all thought she had a better head on her shoulders because of the way she would always talked to me, her aunt and her grandma about her disapproval of her friends having sex. Then she told me well don't assume anything. Last night when I had another talk with her I told her she needs to respect her body and not give in to what the boys want. I think I have done everything possible to let her know I am here for her and will do anything to keep her safe. I ended with cuddling with her and telling her again no matter what I love her and she will always be my daughter.

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Dawn - posted on 01/17/2010

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I think people are forgetting our nation, and this generation are falling apart , our choices and consequences include everything and anything but a godly system, but as for me, I will not make excuses, I came from extremely dysfunctional family system, grew up having issues w/ addiction, was rebellious,victim of violence, etc. When do we as parents begin tostep up to the plate and take a stand to break these repeated cycles generation after generation and start to be more of a solution instead of part of the problem. this takes alot of work on OURSELVES first, we cannot give what we haven't got .Kids learn relationships and love and how to love others by what they see around them. We are PARENTS, and there seems to be alot of confusion of roles here. Todays world shows the Truth-the bad will be perceived as good, and good will be seen as evil. Sorry if this sounds evil, but one cannot tell if the picture is crooked when they are sitting inside of the frame with self in the center, and not willing to work hard to straighten the picture out.

Tammy - posted on 01/16/2010

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I respect everyone's thoughts about not over-reacting, treating her with respect, letting her know you love her no matter what, etc.etc.etc. But eventually it turns in to blah blah blah blah to me. She is a child, doesn't matter what the "times" are. I rebelled against my father and had sex at 15. He found out and ended it. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, I certainly didn't have a cell phone or a computer, and if he and/or my mom had somewhere to go, I went to. He didn't take away my ability to choose or my desire to rebel or disobey. What he did do was take away ALL opportunity for me to DO. He did this for a year, and then only began gradually loosening up the leash. It sounds terrible to many of you I'm sure, and I'm sure it was terribly inconvenient to my parents (twice the work of "modern" parenting), but what it did do was "work". I hated him for it at the time, but he wasn't concerned with being my friend, he was too busy being my DAD. As I grew up, we grew closer and closer and we have an incredible relationship now, as I look back and see how much he loved me and the lengths he was willing to go to keep me safe and ensure my well being. I now have a 15 year old who is far different than I was. She's never dated or had a real boyfriend and isn't overly interested in the type of relationships she sees her friends having. She is a sophmore and set on being valedictorian of her class, so she is very focused on her academics. Now, this is all of her own doing and her own "self drive", so please know I am not taking credit for any super parenting here.....she is truly of a different breed and I'm grateful to have her. BUT, I assure you that if she were doing the things her friends are doing, one of her best friends is 3 months pregnant, SHE WOULD LIVE IN MY BACK POCKET. I am not a firm believer in kids privacy and respecting their boundaries. Her boundaries are where I put them and I put them where they need to be. In a sense, her actions determine her boundaries. My father (or mother or aunt) took me to school and picked me up, EVERY day. I was an athlete, so the same happened for practices and games. I was not left at home alone, as I remember going to doctor and dentist appointments, grocery shopping, etc. Ohhhhh how I hated it and ohhhhhh how I thought my parents were horrrrrible. But they knew what I didn't know.....BECAUSE I WAS A CHILD! I was headed down a dark and dangerous path. I have no doubt my life would be something far less than what it is now had they not taken the steps they did. So, while I would talk to her and explain why I was doing the things I was doing (because I loved her unequivocally and unquestionably), I would in fact do those things. I would explain that I trusted her to do the right thing, but she had proven that was not enough, so further action on my part was necessary. The fact that "everyone else is doing it" is not an excuse for bad behavior and regardless of what "the times" are, my 15 will not be a statistic. I guess it all just depends on how serious you are about her not engaging in certain types of behavior. Sex at 15 is more common, you may even say it's "popular", but as that number grows so does the number of mothers at 15. If we continue to treat our children like miniature adults, what do they have to look forward to when they become adults. They're drinking, smoking, driving, having sex, having babies, having jobs.....I mean really.....and we're sitting around "talking" about how there's is nothing we can do. Actions do, and have always, spoke louder than words.

Pam - posted on 01/16/2010

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Does she have a job? She needs one......She needs to pay for her Dr visits, STD ck, and Depo shots. Tell her if she is going to have sex..............she can pay for all of the responsibilities that go with it. She needs to visit an OB/Maternity unit and see a few "difficult" deliveries. Ask your local hospital or school if there is a "job shodowing" program. Try to get ahold of pictures of Herpes outbreaks, pubic lice, genital warts from your local library or internet. Its time to go to the next step. She needs to be held responsible for these choices. Educate , talk in more depth, make her pay for things if she chooses to have sex. KEEP HER BUSY. Make her go with you and pick up applications for jobs , fill them out and return them. Explain to her why she needs to do this. She cant just go have sex and mom foots the bill to protect her. Tough love is the best approach. She will always find a way to have sex if she wants to. Just make sure you slap a little reality in her path to show her how much you really do love her. If she wants to do grown up activities she has to be responsible enough to deal with everything that goes along with it. I have raised 2 kids this way. They didnt like it at the time.............but they thank me now.

Miranda - posted on 01/15/2010

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All these moms think they are doing their children a service by putting them on birth control & using condoms, etc, but nothing is foolproof. There really shouldn't be an opportunity to HAVE sex in the 1st place at 14! That's where the modifications need to take place!

Krista - posted on 01/14/2010

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I second Sara's suggestion -- show her pictures of genital warts, herpes, and syphilitic penises. And then show her a graphic video of childbirth. Theoretical discussions don't really sink in at that age. A 14-year-old isn't going to be worried about her future fertility. But gross her out enough, and make sure she knows that even if a penis looks "clean", that it isn't necessarily disease-free.

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Jennifer - posted on 01/18/2010

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I agree with you about the depo it is the most reliable birthcontrol out there. I would also make sure she has condoms to protect from std's and try my best to make sure she understands you are not condoning her having sex. It might be a good idea to get her into counsling there might be something going on in her life that she feels she cant tell you. Or she could be reacting to the divorce you are getting. Family counsling and make a parenting plan with her dad that you both can live with. Such as he calls the parent of the friend she is to be spending time with to make sure there will be supervision, you said you do it yourself and its really very little to ask of him. I agree whats done is done and now its time to move forward get her any help she needs to learn that respect for her body and make sure she does not feel like used goods now so she is not suseptable to abuse by a bf. You sound like you are a very loving mom who is doing her best in a bad situation.



But in truth I would most likely go balistic at first! I can only hope that if it came to that I would have the same pationce and control you seem to.

Tiffany - posted on 01/18/2010

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Just wanted to point out that you can only have an IUD after you have had a child. They do not give them to females that have never given birth before. So that is not an option for her daughter as many of you have suggested.

Marie - posted on 01/18/2010

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You have two things you coulddo. 1) give up custody to her father, or 2) Give up custody to the state. I mean if she will not listen to you about not having sex what else is she lying to you about? You need to sit her down and, say I am not comfrontable with you having sex at a young age and, if you can't respect me by not having sex then we have to find you somewhere else to live. I don't want to be responcable for another baby.

Marie - posted on 01/18/2010

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You have two things you coulddo. 1) give up custody to her father, or 2) Give up custody to the state. I mean if she will not listen to you about not having sex what else is she lying to you about? You need to sit her down and, say I am not comfrontable with you having sex at a young age and, if you can't respect me by not having sex then we have to find you somewhere else to live. I don't want to be responcable for another baby.

Tiffany - posted on 01/18/2010

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I think you are a great mom and have already got it covered! I would do the exact same things you are doing if it were my daughter. I was that 14 year old that started having sex and it was awful when my mom found out. She was one of those "just don't do it" moms and we all know that will not stop teens from having sex. I saw where a few moms wanted to know what was missing for her to be having sex and while sometimes that is the case "looking for love in all the wrong places", not always. My first love and I decided to have sex just to see what it was like. Of course I regret being so young but we all know we get no do overs. The only thing for you to do is inform her of all her options, continue talking openly with her and to love her just the same....sounds like you are doing all that so good for you!

Eva - posted on 01/18/2010

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My daughter was also 14 when I found out she had had sex. I was devastated because we had always had an open relationship and I thought she would have come to me before such a big step. I took her to the doctor immediately and had her put on birth control. She also had her first vaginal exam, which she hated. I simply told her, if you want to act like an adult, there are adult consequences to your actions. Afterwards, I had a sit down talk with her and her boyfriend, which embarrased the hell out of him. I couldn't have cared less. I stressed to them that while I didn't condone the behavior, I didn't want anything to happen. I also told him that he'd best use condoms every time. I am happy to say that my daughter just turned 20 and there have been no pregnancies or other things. So, you just have to believe you have done the best you could and hope that she listened. Good luck.

Karen - posted on 01/18/2010

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Hi Jody, I just wanted to say that if I ever find find myself in a similar situation I hope I can handle it just like you have. I think it's great that you've sat and discussed the practical things with her and kept up communications, so many people would just yell, destroy any trust there was and make things worse. If she chooses to go out and have sex again at least you'll know she's protected and she'll tell you about it instead of sneaking around so you don't know what's going on.

Karen - posted on 01/18/2010

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Hi Jody, I just wanted to say that if I ever find find myself in a similar situation I hope I can handle it just like you have. I think it's great that you've sat and discussed the practical things with her and kept up communications, so many people would just yell, destroy any trust there was and make things worse. If she chooses to go out and have sex again at least you'll know she's protected and she'll tell you about it instead of sneaking around so you don't know what's going on.

Tara - posted on 01/18/2010

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If you don't put her on birth control then you take the risk of her getting pregnant. I would rather put my child on birth control and them possilby continuing to have sex than to not put her on birth control and she continue to do it any way and end up pregnant.

Michelle - posted on 01/18/2010

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I know what you're trying to do and I know I have an unpopular answer but honestly putting her on birth control just makes it okay to her to keep doing it. It's not what you want to convey but it is what you're conveying to her. Keep her busy (school activities etc). Be the mean parent with strict rules and a curfew. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't let her get in situations where she could have sex (group dates or supervised dates in public). It is not inevitable for your teen to have sex. It's hard, but you really don't want to give her mixed messages right now (don't have sex by the way here's some birth control). Let your daughter know how hard your it was for you as a teen mom (she may not quite get that it's nothing glamorous). You say you've had the talk but does she really understand that there are some very serious and real consequences with sex (and AID's is on the rise in her age group because we're more slack then we used to be about educating people). It's hard and it's going to require a lot from you and her dad. It can be done. Good luck you have a tough road ahead.

Lisa - posted on 01/18/2010

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I don't think you will get any better advice than you did from Krista..make sure she is protected physically as well as emotionally. It's going to happen, if she understands all the ramifications and is mature enough to handle them her life will be much easier.

Tara - posted on 01/18/2010

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Once a child starts having sex you cannot stop it no matter how hard you try. Trust me I know. I was 15 and my father tried everything. When you try to stop a child from doing something they will find a way to do it. The best thing to do is to sit down with her and explain how you feel about it and see what she has to say. Don't pressure her, just let her open up and tell you why she did it and how she feels. And make sure to presuade her as best you can to use protection and make sure she is on birth control.

Kim - posted on 01/18/2010

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Sorry to say she probably wont stop, she's doing it for the wrong reasons, and maybe she likes it. Be sure she's on birth control. when my daughter became (IN LOVE) as she put it I knew it was just a matter of time before mother nature took ahold of her head, and she ran with her heart. Good luck

Gordana - posted on 01/18/2010

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I know that right now it seems like you have failed in some way but don't worry all of us have to learn from our own mistakes. You are talking to her and taking her to the doc, so that is taken care of. I am not saying that you should condone the behaviour, but keep talking and encouraging her to respect herself. Hope all goes well

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Talking is only effective, if it is done in a proper way. You are sending her mixed signals. Giving her the Depo shot says it is ok to have sex as long as you dont get pregnant. Encouraging use of condoms is encoraging sex. Having been a teen mom yourself, goes back to the ol' saying: "Do as I say, not as I do." Now what to do? If you really do not want her to have sex, she should not leave your side. You take a job where she can be with you, work at home, private religious school, better yet, home school her.



Face it, you were a teen mom, you have had multiple relationships, and to her, these are all green lights that this behavior is ok. My recommendation? If you really, truly want to stop her. Get a a newspaper route. Wake her up at 4 to go with you. At 6 go home, eat breakfast. At 7, open your quran, bible, or whatever faith you are. If you have no faith, pick up a book and learn one. At 8 am .. rather than going out to catch the bus, open a math book, have her study, at home. By the afternoon, you are at the zoo, the museum, etc. Face it, you have two choices: one, live with it, or deal with it. Stopping her, means NO MORE BOYFRIENDS, PERIOD. NO BIRTH CONTROL. NO DEPO. NO PROBABILITY THAT SHE WILL BE IN THE SITUATION...WHERE SEX CAN OCCUR.

[deleted account]

Talking is only effective, if it is done in a proper way. You are sending her mixed signals. Giving her the Depo shot says it is ok to have sex as long as you dont get pregnant. Encouraging use of condoms is encoraging sex. Having been a teen mom yourself, goes back to the ol' saying: "Do as I say, not as I do." Now what to do? If you really do not want her to have sex, she should not leave your side. You take a job where she can be with you, work at home, private religious school, better yet, home school her.



Face it, you were a teen mom, you have had multiple relationships, and to her, these are all green lights that this behavior is ok. My recommendation? If you really, truly want to stop her. Get a a newspaper route. Wake her up at 4 to go with you. At 6 go home, eat breakfast. At 7, open your quran, bible, or whatever faith you are. If you have no faith, pick up a book and learn one. At 8 am .. rather than going out to catch the bus, open a math book, have her study, at home. By the afternoon, you are at the zoo, the museum, etc. Face it, you have two choices: one, live with it, or deal with it. Stopping her, means NO MORE BOYFRIENDS, PERIOD. NO BIRTH CONTROL. NO DEPO. NO PROBABILITY THAT SHE WILL BE IN THE SITUATION...WHERE SEX CAN OCCUR.

Loretta - posted on 01/18/2010

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Well done. That is the best that you can tell your daughter. My daughter is 16 years old and also has had sex with a few boys. In December she came to me and told me she is pregnant. Well my world fell apart. But what can I do, she is my daughter and I love her. My husband and I are standing by her and is going to help her raise the baby as she has decided to keep it.

Hannah - posted on 01/17/2010

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When a child does something wrong they are being naughty....

They have disobayed you, done the wrong thing!

A mistake is once, to continually do it is naughty!

I was her age only a couple of years ago i know.

D'Niece - posted on 01/17/2010

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BIRTH CONTROL. then get her a doll from the school health teacher. get the pills and make her take them in front of you everyday, dont trust her to do it on her own. let her watch teen mom on mtv. let her meet other teen moms and let them describe to her how they feel good and bad.

Linda - posted on 01/17/2010

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Please do not call her a naughty child.She is a CHILD that made a wrong decision.

Hannah - posted on 01/17/2010

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I also just want to add please do not feel like you are the one that has to earn her trust with the whole facebook thing, or let her keep doing it incase you loose her! I think it would be so sad if you made yourself feel that way! its not your fault, she is the naughty child, show her kids her age in jail for under age sex! bloody scary! forget std's they are important but her self woth should be number one! That and obaying her parents!

Linda - posted on 01/17/2010

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First of all what is she doing with a boyfriend at the age of 14!!!!!She is mentally not ready for these kind of life changing decisions.I know because I had my fist at the age of 14.I would not change the fact of having my children ,but I look back and realize how young I was.Not even to mention what you give up.School,social life,being a kid,education....the list goes on.To all of you parents out there ....WHY ARE WE LETTING OUR LITTLE CHILDREN GROW UP TO FAST....PLEASE....LET THEM BE CHILDREN.

We as adults try to do what is best.We know that what we do has effect on our lives

But children don,t seem to look into the future on what can happen with a decision

they make.

I know from life itself that our children have to learn from their own mistakes.But this should not be one of them.

But you have taken the right steps.You may not be able to stop her ,but you are protecting her .Good for you....for having the sense to do what needs to be done.

Hannah - posted on 01/17/2010

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I'd also like to add that when people say "let her be a kid" HELLO! that means climbing trees people!
Sex is an adult thing... You know for people with a fully developed brain!!
I'v gone through them years and am still only 19, I knew at 14 sex was WRONG and an adult thing!
And guess what... I didn't have a father figure and never had the "talk" with my mum.
I knew that she thought it was wrong and respected the fact that, "hey i live under her roof if i wanna do it im more than welcome to but somewhere else."
As in, if i was mature enough to have sex then i was mature enough to have a job and be in a possition where i was able to look after a family.
Cos their is no way in hell my mum should wear my decissions, when it wasn't her that decided it!
I knew all this with out even talking to her!
I waited for 'THE ONE' and am so glad I did as we are married and hapy now and wouldn't have it any other way!
And yes at that age I was interested, its the unknown...
But i never went further than a kiss because i respected my self and saw how it could ruin and limit my life.
Sex as a CHILD is wrong and the way I look at it is, -Its abuse- because who is the one they are going to blame at the end of the day when they have nothing special for their husbands, or when they catch and std... as much as you have warned them about it... it will be the parent.
I know i did things that were pretty bad as a kid because i thought no one cared and because i wasnt told off about them, but when it was put straight to my mum and she knew and told me off.
I knew i had done wrong and had no desire to do it anymore.
I didnt get cuddles i got sent to my room and grounded.
I stopped mis behaving because it meant i pretty much couldnt have friends and so i never did it again!
If your not strikt they cant know any better and you will get the blame.
I have just come out of that young age in this generation... Do not tolorate rebelliouse children! they will love you even more for it!

Tonya - posted on 01/17/2010

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i replied to this question a while ago, and i've come back and read some of the other responses. i can't believe some of the things people are saying. do some of you NOT remember being a teenager?!? some of you are acting like you can actually "make" all teens listen to you and obey your every command! first of all i do go to church and strongly believe that if you start your kids off in church that they will hopefully have a different outlook on things and possibly be more concerned with what God expects of them. but if you don't begin there when they're babies or young kids a lot of times it's kind of late to try to "push" it on them. and no matter how much all of you parents say that you keep your kids at home, and watch their every move, sometimes that doesn't work! i used to climb out my window from the 2nd floor to go be with my boyfriend (the father of both my kids). my parents didn't "let" me they did what they could to stop it. i got arrested more than once, he almost got arrested, they'd think i went to school and i'd get on the bus go all the way to school and get off the bus walk across the street and get on another bus and go to back to his house or downtown or the mall or a park or wherever we ended up. and being at school isn't going to keep teens from doing anything! if they want to have sex there's the parking lot, bathrooms, bleachers, cars, empty hallways, whatever! KIDS THAT WANT TO HAVE SEX...WILL HAVE SEX!!! you might as well face it, teens are on their way to being adults and a lot of them think they are! they don't always take our advice no matter how much we give it to them or how we give it to them! we can yell, scream, talk, cry, beg, plead, threaten, follow through, and anything else you can think of and if they don't want to listen they won't! SO before you jump down someone's throat about not being strict enough...maybe you should try to remember what it felt like as a teenager and open your eyes that one day maybe it'll be your kids that are so strong willed that they do anything they want no matter what you say or do! it doesn't mean you're a bad parent or that you have bad kids, it just means that things are what they are and you have to deal with each situation as it comes and hope that all your decisions and your children's decisions don't turn out differently than anticipated!

Kimberly - posted on 01/17/2010

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I was also 14 when I lost my virginity for the first time. Yes, I was young, but I don't regret it, even now. And honestly, there was nothing my parents could do to stop me. I didn't do it to rebel, or because I felt like I had to, or even because I wanted the guy to "love" me. I did it because I wanted to. Girls are hitting puberty earlier and earlier which is causing their hormones to go crazy. It doesn't mean your daughter has an underlying issue like a few people have mentioned. There isn't much you can do to stop her, just inform her how to be safe and keep the lines of communication open. All you can do is hope that she makes the right decision. Trying to keep her locked up in your house also won't work either, because if she wants to have sex, she will find ways. Like you said, she already went off into the woods to do it. She will find other places as well if it means that much to her. She also may do it more just because she is stuck at home. I don't want to make you worry more, just want to help you think about this, as I am 18 years old and have an almost 9 month old son. I put myself on birth control at 15, and up until shortly before I got pregnant I always used condoms as well. Well, my birth control failed. Even if she's on BC, make sure she has condoms in case she does choose to have sex. Not just because of pregnancy, but STDs as well. Oh, and I advise against the shot as it has been known to cause infertility and other health problems, and she is only 14 and may want kids some day. The pill in my opinion isn't the best choice either, but there are other options out there for her. Good luck to you.

Hannah - posted on 01/17/2010

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Beeing a late teen my self I think this is a very serious matter.

I know it is hard for them to understand.

Reasoning is the last thing a child develops and it is fully developed at 18 aparently.

I know that at 14 she more than likely hasn't found "the one" and maybe let her know that when she finally does she will no longer have anything "special" left to share with JUST him!!

The thought of that for me was very soabering!

Also she probly feels like she is actually in love at the time of meeting the/these? boy/boys? and so maybe getting her to sit down by herself and look at things in a long term perspective.

I know its very young to be thinking like that but it may help her to see the bigger picture.

I am 19 and pregnant with twins and even being happily married my husband and I are still very shocked and scared at times, we would never change it but it is a big thing to deal with!

I had a friend who was on birth control and still fell pregnant... none of them are 100% and she needs to know that!

It may also help if she meets some women that were having sex at her age and have ended up with an STD or Pregnant just as a bit of a shock thing?

In my opinion taking her to get this shot, to her may seem like your sort of ok with the idea of her having sex, but not with the fact that she might get pregnant... but that is just a personal view.

I once had a conversation with my friend who was a guy, about some of the girls in the school and was amazed at what he told me from a guys point of view.

He said "Its great having all these girls wearing next to nothing that he could look at because he knew he could sleep with any of them whenever he wanted to because they have slept with guys before, and that he didnt care about their feelings as long as he got what he wanted that was fine."

Later that year he got a girl friend who he thought he was pretty serious about and then told me he didnt like the way she dressed as he knew what he thought of girls like her before and at the end they didnt work out and she went on to the next guy who used her and then told all his mates about what they had done when they broke up.

The whole school found out and she was embarresed, people would make fun of her because of how many boys she had been with, they called her nasty names and hit her, but all the boys still slept with her because they knew they could and at that point she would sleep with them for them to like her.

What im trying to say is their are so many ways she could hurt herself out of doing this and it just isn't worth it for her!

She needs to respect herself and know what she is worth!

If it really is 'love' than he will wait as long as it takes to be with her and still be faithful and respect her all the way through!

I hope my opinion has been useful and that you can find a way to get through to your daughter!

Rosa - posted on 01/17/2010

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I would get her some protection and have her watch KIDS. It as a very powerful movie.

Kris - posted on 01/17/2010

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It is rather ironic that I was just discussing this very subject with my fifteen year old (who has not had sex yet) and her psychiatrist, who had this fact to relay "people who delay having sexual intercourse (into their twenties) have more satisfying sex lives as adults." That was a new one for me. Yeah for better sex and waiting for it.

Dawn - posted on 01/17/2010

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I wonder where the discipline andbehavior is coming from, and, agaain, if the father is present. 14 year olds having sex when eventually looking for love with people over 18 is called rape. a responsible person should step in and by the way, where is God in people's lives? The God you can have a personal relationship with? I notice people will try anything to solve their issues but leave God out of the equations, thus, no solved or at least issues somewhat under control. Parents are just that. Parents. We have a responsibility to our children. Aren't they growing too fast anyhow???

Stefanie - posted on 01/17/2010

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so many mom's have mentioned birth control,talking and so on. You mention in your story that you have done all of the above. I have to say, in a way putting her on birth control and then telling her not to do it does put a little bit of conflict in her mind. I would have to suggest,and I know they have been suggested already, a teen mom support group. Let her hear a few of the girls talk about what their lives are like since becoming a mom or soon to be mom. Also, see if it would be possible for her to share a day with one of the teen moms. It may help your daughter understand the risk she is really dealing with if she continues with her activates and it may help the teen mom to have a "break" for a little while. It could help both girls. And of course there is the option of getting the "crying baby" doll. Maybe if she is "responsible" for a baby herself without someone to be there to help she might understand that the boys she does this with are not looking to be dad's. Just a few suggestions.

Diane - posted on 01/17/2010

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It sounds like you are doin a lot of good things but some thing is missing in your kids life or they are being pressured into it sometimes they dont have enough confidence in themselves to feel what they think or feel matters so they are easily talked into something Have you asked why they did it in the first place once they start sometimes they just because they don't know how to say no they want so bad to fit or/and be with someone but keep the communication goin

Jazi - posted on 01/17/2010

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Hi Jody,



here are a couple of things. My household is a bit different than some as we talk openly and honestly about sex with our teenager and have sence she was about 10 years old and started asking questions.

all children are going to start having sex at some point as she has already proven to you, the point you have to stress for her to understand that her body is precious and that sex is a very intimate and special thing - not just something to fling around. This can be hard to do. The most important thing to do durring your conversations is to stay calm yourself and keep reminding her that you love her and you understand the raging power of hormones.

The human body is desingned to start breeding in our early teenage years from back in historic days when our lifespans were only 18 -25 years - 30 was ancient and almost unheard of. do point that out to her.

with birth control - don't just jump to depo. while it is ok, it does have some negitive affects on the body that they are finding in addition to the common one of weight gain. Your best bet is to make an apointment with a doctor and all three of you sit down together and discus what will be the best options for her and let her make the decision. She is becoming an adult and giving her some control will make you look better in her eyes and will go a long way in reenforcing that you love her and see that she is growing up. ( IUD's are good low side effect and last longer then Depo btw)



I wish you much luck, and encourage you to take a deep breath and hold onto your temper in your conversations with your daughter. yes she's broken your trust and has to earn it back, but you love her and want a good relationship. that's always a good thing.

Jazi

Marsha - posted on 01/17/2010

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I would definately put her on birth control like the shot so you know she has it. I would not recommend the pill just because of the risks of her forgetting to take it. Also, try to find some teen mothers in your area and have her speak with them to let her know how hard it is and what she would have to give up in her life if by chance she happened to get pregnant by deciding to have sex. You might even see if a teen mother in your area is willing to allow your daughter to spend the day with them and have your daughter take care of all the responsibilities for the day so she realizes how her life could be if she continues to have sex so young. When you are that young you always think it will never happen to you until it actually does!! I got pregnant at 14 and it was very hard but had great support from family but I would not like to see my children have to go through the same thing and have to give up so much of their childhood.

Dawn - posted on 01/17/2010

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Is the father in the home? We have to unconditionally love, nevertheless, we have to set good examples ourselves and bring Christ into our lives so the kids and adults have some sort of guideline on how to live wholesome lives. Also keeping good company is essential. Personally, I would teach her about the Lord and abstinence as well as just focusing on birth control. A girl that is displaying those behaviors at a young age is missing a few key elements. Satan's main objective is the breakdown of the family, taking out the father first. If she was to get pregnant, chances are it would be out of wedlock and the father would not be involved. The objective might be to break the dysfunctional cycle, otherwise it will move from generation to generation. That's what the devil wants. The kids then suffer tremendously. Good chances of rape, molestation if she is sexually active at 14. She is looking for love in all the wrong places and can get that with the family getting healthy with a relationship with God.

Trina - posted on 01/17/2010

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Hi there, I would make sure she is on the pill and her boyfriend is using condoms and as long as they both do it the safe way there is not really much else that can be done as i have been in the same situation just make sure she know's that she can come and talk to you when ever she wants

Diane - posted on 01/17/2010

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I am the mother of 2 grown sons. U can't keep teens of any age from having sex if they want to. I can first say....get her on protection. The depo shot u'd have control of and know she was getting it. The pill involves some sort of trust which now, u probably don't have. As the single mother of sons I had the sex talk (age related) since the day they were born so to speak. Just because u have boys doesn't mean the sex talk shouldn't be told. Boys should be just as responsible. First ur daughter should get "NO" priveleges. Let her know ur upset with her and u disapprove. Be her parent. Having sex so young is from peer pressure. Limit her time with her friends. Never let her alone. Get a sitter if u have to. Check on her no matter where she is. Take her cell phone away or put limits on it. If her dad doesn't follow ur rules then go to court and limit his visits. Get her a job. Keep her so busy she won't have time for sex. Change her school and friends if need be. Find a place in ur house that u can keep a constant supply of condoms. Let her know that u don't approve but u'd rather her be safe. Never question her about any missing condoms, just know she's listening to u. Have her put one in her purse just in case. Guys are NEVER prepared. They either have no money to buy them or too embarrassed to get them. Last but not least, make sure she knows she can always come to u about anything....that u'll always be there for her no matter what happens. "Tell her" u love her often and pray alot. Good luck and god bless.

Felicia - posted on 01/17/2010

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If you set a clear boundary, and a consequence for getting pregnant has been discussed, it needs to be enforced. There's no need to make excuses for your daughter or try to make things easier for her. She made the decision, and now has to live with it for the rest of her life. Easy? Heck no. But it is what it is.



I have a 13 year old who knows my expectation and the consequences. If she chooses to get pregnant, she's not going to like me AT ALL for awhile, and I am willing to accept that, even if it means no cuddling for awhile.

[deleted account]

None of these "birth control" methods actually prevent pregnancy. They prevent implantation of the embryo in the uterus, and they do not always preven that. You CAN get pregnant with any of these artificial hormones, and they can wreak havoc with your body. Look at the lists of side effects before you use them or push them on your daughter.

I think you should ground her. She should not be unsupervised at all. If she is not trustworthy to follow your rules, then she should be treated like a child who does not know how to follow rules.

Christa - posted on 01/17/2010

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It sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Getting her on birth Control and talking to her,getting her tested. But,yes she is also right about never assuming anything... You have to remember that she is only a teenager and needs to be reminded of things sometimes. Maybe what I would do in addition is to seek out a therapist. NOT a school one. But someone that deals with kids and can help her. It sounds like she is wanting attention and it maybe because of what is going on at home. (seeing you go through a divorce can be hard) Maybe both of you can later go together for family therapy. Just a thought... Keep the lines of communication open and let her know you love her know matter what. And that you just dont want her to struggle in life. I to was a young mom.... Best of luck

Rachel - posted on 01/17/2010

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It sounds like you are protecting her from getting pregnant and STD's. I guess my thought it why is she so focused on having sex? Does she have interests in or out of school? Does she understand that her worth as a person is not based on whether or not boys want to have sex with her? This seems like a self-esteem issue.

Sandy - posted on 01/17/2010

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Jody, I feel for you. While there is no way to stop this from happening you are doing all the right things. Talking, making sure she has protection from a pregnancy. I have a 15 1/2 year old son and while I don't have to worry about him becoming pregnant I do have to worry about him getting a girl pregnant. My son and I are very close and talk about this all the time, much to his dismay. I have explained to him over and over how sex, drugs, smoking, illegal activity has the ability to change his life forever. I explained he already has 2 strikes against him, his grandfather is a recovering alcolohlic and his father is a reccoverying drug abuser so it's in his DNA to have a higher risk of becoming an addict. Knowing that I can't be with him all the time, I have asked him to do me one favor....when presented with a cigarette, beer, drugs and sex please stop think do I really want to do this, I could change the course of my life forever, either by addiction or an unplanned family, std...cound to 10 and then if you still think you want to well you have weighed all the options and I can't stop you, but please just think.



No matter what we try to do or try to stop our kids from doing, the mistakes we have to sit back and watch happen is heartbreaking but rest assured you are a good mom and doing all the right things. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Monique - posted on 01/17/2010

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Better she gain weight from the Depo shot than gain weight cause she pregnate, Thats one of her concenquences that come along with sex. The pill can be easily missed I KNOW.

Monique - posted on 01/17/2010

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I have a 14 year old daughter and I would be devistated , heartbroken and ready to kill the boy who did it.I feel as if you have done the right thing by putting her on Depo & getting her condoms, at least your not in denial to what your child is doing. The reason there are so many teen pregnacys is not because of the kids its because we have so many parents who dont wanna believe that their precious baby girl can do somethig like that and just try to ignore what is going on. I have seen so many young girls 13-17 pushing strollers and it breaks my heart cause they have not even had a chance to experience life, in all actuality they are only babies their selves. I feel that any parent who knows their child is having sex should come outta denial and get their child some birth controll. Another thing is that parents need to stick togather I dont understan how adults let kids lay up in they house and have sex. You have taken the right steps keep doing what you are doing talking to her, being there for her and SHOWING HER LUV." PRAYER"

Sandee - posted on 01/17/2010

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Since you have already taken steps in the right direction (put her on BC, had "the talk" with her, and the ramifications of having sex so early), continue to keep the lines of communication open. Try not to browbeat her about sex EVERY time you talk to her. Maybe just ask about her day, how she is handling her classes, etc.



Maybe she is crying out for attention, and/or suffering from low self esteem. She may need counseling (just to get an unbiased opinion) from a professional. Since you are going through a difficult time right now, children feel that, no matter how old they are.



Let her know you will be monitoring her facebook page from time to time as well. Let her be mad. She is a child. She will get over it. You are doing a great job keeping an eye on her, so try to get her father to get on the same page as far a discipline goes,



I will soon be going through the tween/teen years as well, so I am trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. I wish you luck and continue to participate and be active in your children's lives.

Andrea - posted on 01/17/2010

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I have to admit. If even after "talks" about sex, she still went out and did it (behind your back even.) I doubt she will listen about the condoms. Just my two cents.



Current research indicates that by college 1/4 have an STD.



I also don't believe that 14yr olds just will "do what they're going to do". Sounds like some restrictions on freedoms are in order. If you are serious about not wanting her to have sex while she's underage, put some teeth behind it. Ground her. (Of course, if dad isn't in on it, you're going to be fighting a losing battle. But if dad wants custody rights, he better be willing to "protect" his kid so there's that too.)



She can have all the sex she wants when she hits 18 and is responsible for herself and her actions.



You can have absolutely nothing against sex (as an act) but be against minors having sex.



It's up to you.

Sarah - posted on 01/16/2010

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I want to say I think you are handling it great. I hve recently delt with this with my 15 year old girl. We got our duaghter into a counceler so she can work through whatever she needs to. It's a hard time in there lives and this only makes it harder. We also told her it will take time to regain our trust but that we love her and will always be here for her. Unfortunatley we are now dealing with legal issues thanks to a boy that thought he could take what he wanted.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I do recommend counciling because we found out our daughter had really low self esteem and thats why she did what she did. So, that could be an option for you.

Betty - posted on 01/16/2010

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@ least u know, she's doing it and its not too late to help her. I got pregnant@ 17 and I wished my parents knew that I was having sex then they would be able to help me. my parents were very relgious and had the talked with me about a hundred times and got me involve in youth group and I even taught sunday school, but even with all that, when it came down to it, I still choose to have sex, and being young and niave

just thought there was no way it was going to happen to me, first time nothing, second time nothing, so I just went on doing it, and sure enough I ended up pregnant.

so basically my point is you can only do so much, its up to her to listen and for sure if u don't get her on the pill or get her to stop having sex now she will end up pregnant, then it will be too late and we both wish you had done something.

wish you all the best,

God bless.

Nicola - posted on 01/16/2010

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perhaps you could also try reminding her that it is actually illegal for her to have sex at that age. and that any boy friend she has could also end up in jail if disease and pregnancy don't scare her perhaps that will.

Evelyn - posted on 01/16/2010

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Jody,



Here is the 411. First of all do you want a dependent or an independent daughter. A dependent: you will have to be there through thick and thin no matter what i.e. HIV, communicable diseases, peer pressure, pregnancy. Or an independent daughter: she will have to actually see the consequences of her actions. Have her little behind talk with teens who are HIV positive, let her see the life of a hooker.



Jody, I am not here to judge. But the times are different. And, we have to straight up with our children. I had my 11 year old read your post. Of course, she states that it will not happen to her. But I explained that with peer pressure and urges anything can happen.



Hang in there, pray, and get straight up.

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