What would you do if you found out YOUR kid was the bully?

Sharon - posted on 05/11/2011

I'd try to get to the source of the problem by asking him where was it all coming from? and how would he like if kids was treating him that way? and i would tell him to love his neighbour as his self.Also i would do a few exercises with him each dat to monitor his progress

Penny - posted on 05/11/2011

I'd check out who the friends were, I would stand in the middle the child's of the room, computer (if they're old enough) find out about what messages the child was sending through their things, learn about your child's friends parent's belief's, I find out if certain foods increased irritably and get help. Then just reinforce the message with love.

Marina - posted on 05/11/2011

The irony of the situation is that parents of bullies do not read pages like these. They don't need to becuase their children are perfect !!!

Shannintipton - posted on 05/11/2011

Hi Elisa,
That is exactly what I do. I stand behind a wall where they cant see me. And boy what surprise when they finally see me. LOL This kid is so nice to my face but boy when you are not looking his mean streak comes out. I have nailed him a couple of times and he has gotten when he is at my house. I just worry when he goes over to this boy house. How do I protect him? That is a whole other issue. Oh maybe I post a question like that thanks for the inspiration. Gotta go. {:+)

Elise - posted on 05/11/2011

No one ever thinks their child is the bully. Yet more often than not, it is the child who other adults think is the sweetest who does the bullying. Current research says that most bullies are actually very popular and self-confident, not the low self-esteem outcasts we used to assume. I was appalled to find out from one of my friends that her daughter was being bullied by the daughter of one of our other friends. I had thought that the bully was one of the nicest, most polite and well-mannered girls in my daughter's class! I asked my daughter about it, and she said that yes, she saw the bullying going on, but she didn't know what to do about it. It turns out that the girl who was doing the bullying was doing it in an attempt to be the best friend of the most popular girl in the class. The most popular girl would ask her to be mean to her former friends in order to prove her loyalty. My suggestion is that you keep your ears open, especially when your kids don't realize you're listening, like in the car, or at the playground when they think you're busy talking to the other moms. I learned a lot while volunteering at my children's school, shelving books in the library and whatnot. More importantly, keep talking to your children to help them understand other people's feelings, and model in your own life that you care about others, even when it inconveniences you.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/11/2011

Hi ladies, They have reopened the post so feel free to express your feelings while it lasts. It may close at any time. I am again still trying to sifts threw all of these terrific suggestions. So lets keep them coming for as long as it last. Thank you ladies very much. {:+)

Marlene - posted on 05/11/2011

My son was bullied from the time he was a baby until about a year ago. We moved around alot, so he was always the "new kid". We moved last year again, and he is suddenly the popular kid in school. I got a few phone calls from the school about him bullying others. I was flabergasted! I sat down with the principal and we discussed the pressure to be accepted nowadays. I'm guessing that my son figured, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". He figured that he wouldn't have to worry about being bullied if he was on the other team. After we talked and I reminded him of how HE felt when HE was the one being bullied, excluded, made fun of, etc.....he seemed to "get it". I don't know if this helps or not, but to get inside the bully's head may help one understand the peer pressure the kids are under today. Sad, but true.

Margo - posted on 05/10/2011

I would put an end to it immediately. I think bullying can really damage a childs self esteem and truely break them as a person. I know I personally would never want any kid to feel the pain of that in any way and would take all measures necessary to put an end to what my child was doing. I also coach my daughter on respect and kindness and think that is something that has to start from the get-go to ensure your child has good values and morals leading up to the point that they go to school and get involved in peer pressure and potentially bullying. I would also be mortified if that was my kid.

Kristin - posted on 05/10/2011

I would definitely sit down with them and ask why they were being mean to the other kids. I would also talk about how he/she would like to be treated and explain that's how they should treat others. I might even try role playing and have someone else "bully" them and then ask how they like it.
I used to work with kindergartners in an after school program. I was out one day and the children decided to make fun of one of the teachers because she had really bad acne. They called her names like "pizza face" and said she had chicken pox. When I came back and found out what they had done, I did a role playing exercise. I brought up 4-5 children. I picked skinny, short, tall, chubby, and one that wore glasses. I asked them how they would feel if I made fun of them because they were short, wore glasses, was skinny, wore funny clothes, had ugly shoes on. The child that was chubby, I asked how he would feel if the kids picked on him for being slow. I didn't want the kids to have ammunition. All of them did not like it and the other children agreed that they would not like it. I did not have a problem with the children picking on each other or others for the rest of that year. I found that exercise to be extremely helpful and a great learning experience for everyone. Sometimes role playing can bring things to their level and make them realize how terrible it makes them feel and how it could make others feel the same way.

Sam - posted on 05/10/2011

I would probably take him to counseling. I'd be so lost and scared for his future.

Katie - posted on 05/10/2011

Maybe you should sit you son down and talk to him about the other boys' behavior BEFORE he gets mixed up in it... I have no idea what I would do if my kid was the bully but I would definitely not have the attiitude that my kid can do no wrong like so many parents these days!

Florence - posted on 05/10/2011

I would do all it takes to make the child leave the bully habit because once left like that it will develop in to a bad character in the community.And besides its easy to manage a kid when he still young than when grown and agrressive.

Mabusi - posted on 05/10/2011

its all about displine en understand what d reason behind everything , cause you might find dat he does not have friends or some1 to communicate with...

Heather - posted on 05/10/2011

I would make him/her personally apologize to each kid.

Tracy - posted on 05/10/2011

i would give him a very stern talking 2
he gets so upset when others do it 2 him so would ask him to think on that

Cynthia - posted on 05/10/2011

@Emma, its rough when your child is the one, but, there is hope. If the meds are not working, have the doc reevaluate and maybe try more meds.Sometimes I just want to give up and send her vack to her father, but, of course I would never do that.r house have been put away one. Just keep loving your stepson and he will get betterrk so they can change theml Off to bed,m cannot hardlhy move aor woaks o ehte cae

Betty - posted on 05/10/2011

Wow, that is a little tough. I don't know but would remind him of the negative effects and consequences of bullying. It is a bad thing to do, as Shannin puts it, many parents would think their children are angels but that may not be the case. In Uganda bullying has kind of stopped, it is no more heard of openly. We pray for the best of our children though.

Jayne - posted on 05/09/2011

Hi there, this is my first time commenting here... at lease for a long while... if at all. I think I would seriously be sick to my stomach. I do my best to instill kindness into my kids. I was always a strong willed kid, but not mean. I think that's ok... and as a result I was only bullied once or twice... so I know the pain the kids go through when they are the one everyone picks on. I try to encourage my 'circle of moms' to keep tabs on their kids. We have anti-bully days at school. I am so thankful we are all aware of it.

I am so glad to see other moms here feeling the same way.

Agnes - posted on 05/09/2011

well, most bullies bully because its a cry for attaention so i would evaluate our lifestyle, how we interact, how much attention we pay to the child and based on all this move towards a healthier relationship with the child.

Emma - posted on 05/09/2011

@Cythia...thanks you helped me and gave me hope im almost in tears .Because i feel sometimes i am being punished for something because of my step sons behavior its so nice to know someone else is going through the things i am. my step son was diagnosed bipolar,adhd and ocd and possible fetal alcohol sydrome...he is very violent, impulsive and disrespectful and feels the need to test authority.he is only getting worse as he ages and medications dont work. we have considered having him put in a hospital to be evaluated but cant bring ourselves to do so. how old was your daughter when she was first admitted. my final straw was when he would get out of his room and get into knives from our kitchen..but my husband refuses to admit him.

Claire - posted on 05/09/2011

I think I would have to address it and let them know why it was not ok. Of course this is after the mortification of WHAT, MY BABY?!?!?!? I think that kids just need some things to be explained to them, and nobody's kids are perfect, not even mine! LOL

Cynthia - posted on 05/09/2011

been there done that. I do know what the underlying issue is with my daughter, the domestic violence, the fact that I was in the hospital with reactin to chemo, alsmost dying and then having to have open heart surgery. I just wish with the counsleing she can move on with her life

Pamela - posted on 05/09/2011

That's one thing I do not tolerate. If it was my son, I would bully him so he could see and feel the way other kids do when he does it to them.

Stephanie - posted on 05/09/2011

I don't know that trying to get the bully to understand how the other kid feels always works. Some kids have a hard time being compassionate, maybe because of their family life or developmental issues. They learn the behavior from somewhere. Look at the parents for a source of that meanness. Our school has a bullying program they all have to go through and some of the material is aimed at the bully as well as the victim.

LaTeshia - posted on 05/09/2011

Kids don't just wake up one day and decide to be mean. There is something beneath the surface that is fueling the anger and meanness. Children are not as sophisticated as we are at hashing out our feelings. If I found out my son was being a bully I would obviously not tolerate it but as a caring mother I would have to figure out what the root of the behavior is. In order to prevent him from not dealing with feelings and emotions I would teach him other ways to let out his feelings.

Yvette - posted on 05/09/2011

Difficult situation either way being bullied or being the bully. Try to determine were the root of his anger'frustration is coming from. Creating an atmosphere where he feels comfortable talking without the presence of punishment. From experience my children and now grandchildren seem to open up more when the consequences are taken away.

Kasie - posted on 05/09/2011

I would probably have a nice sit down with my son first and talk to them about it, tell them how it's wrong to do that and get him to agree not to do it again. If he did it again there would be consequences for sure. Whatever you do, STICK TO IT! That is the ONLY way they know you mean business.

Emma - posted on 05/09/2011

Honestly....my step son is a bully...and it is really hard ...because he is 5 and has some serious mental issues beyond my control . im constantly apologizing to parents and teachers for his behavior nothing seems to help i have stopped spanking him and have started taking away things of meaning to him (toys, tv time, desert,etc). we are taking him to a behavior therapist and i hope that we can get some advise on how to discipline him. because spanking does nothing except give him motive to tell teachers i beat him or gave him a bruise he got on his own honestly i feel helpless sometime :(. the specialist at texas childrens says she thinks he is a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome but honestly ...hes 5! and i feel like im living with the spawn of chucky....:(

Debbie - posted on 05/09/2011

I would be very upset as my kids were bullied...I would defnitely take him to couseling...there must be a reason why his self esteem is low to bully someone else. I would also be in total contact with the school and hand down severe consequences....but make sure your child knows that you are doing this out of love :) Good Luck

Shelly - posted on 05/09/2011

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he/she is experiencing something negative at home. It could be something as simple as over hearing a conversation, witnessing an argument or even domestic situations. It could also be a kid in the neighborhood that is bullying them but usually a bully is experiencing some kind of issues that need to be addressed. I would sit down with my child and discuss in depth no mikey mouse kind of way what bullying does to another person. I would even give an example of a personal situation or create one and confide in your child so that they open up to you about a situation they are dealing with that sparks this behavior. Sounds like they are acting out and being embarrassed and mortified is not going to resolve the issue. It should be dealt with head on and shown no tolerance. Also let them know in some areas parents will have to go to court and could be fined or worse sued. I would also try to look up videos or even stories from the headlines that are real which may give a different perspective

Cynthia - posted on 05/09/2011

Unfortunately, my little girl is the bully. She was molested by her father at 2 1/2 years old. She has also been diagnosed ADHD. Had a mental breakdown last summer and spent time in a "hospital", in patient and out patient. She was diagnosed with PTSD, ODD, Mood Disorder and Psychotic disorder.She needs constant reassurance that she is loved and tries to "buy" friends. When kids would not play with her, she would get angry, and sometimes push or try to hurt or threaten her peers. She told her teacher and her class that she was going to kill them. Then She started talking about Sara or (future me)as the perpertator or these deeds. I was appalled with her behavior, tried all the behavior modifications techniques. Loss of priveledges, writing "I will not _______" 20 times. Everything, she was even down to just her dresser in her room and a sleeping bag on the floor. She got violent with me and other family members. She ended up having to go to the hospital again as a "resident" due to the violent tendencies.While in the treatment center, they took her off the ADHD meds to see if she was bi polar and determined that she was, but also ADHD. A mess I must add that she has been in therapy since 2007. Its so hard, she turned 7 in the hospital. She was discharged and was good the first 3 days of school, but then has had issues every day since. Kissing boys, making disturbing noises, and picking her nose and chasing her peers with her "finds". She sees her therapist about every other week.

When dealing with her behavior, I talk to the school. I know if it was my child being pushed or called names or threatened I would be up at the school raising you know what. Our school system has an "inclusion" policy so no child is excluded. She was being tested for Spec ED, but ended up in treatment center. I will have her tested in the fall when she returns to school. Figure she has to have some fun this summer, instead of being stuck in some treatment center all summer. So I do not know if I answered your question. Probably not. It sucks either way, if your child is being bullied or is the bully.

Kayleigh - posted on 05/09/2011

In all seriousness I would get online and do some research on what the psychologists have to say and use that to plan my attack. I say read up on the psychologists imput because they will help you form an idea of where cogntive developmentally your child is and possibly what is behind the behavior. (I'm school right now and taking my first psych course. (I want to be a teacher) I learned in class that children my childrens age do not yet have the ability to think abstractly. Which in turn made me rethink my disciplinary stradegy, which has given awesome results.) I try to parent in a logical not an emotional way. Thats just me though. I hope you find a solution that works for you and your child.

Stefanie - posted on 05/09/2011

if i had a child an they were the bully or being not nice to a child there would be in so much trouble .as i been teasd all through school an even in job situion as i have autism an learing disblity .i have no tolernce for teasing name calling an so on .

Erin - posted on 05/09/2011

All children who bully do it for a reason. My children would be in counseling immediately.

Kathi - posted on 05/09/2011

I would make him/her accoutable for actions and get counseling to find out why they are being a bully. I don't tolerate bullies and I would make my kid know that straight off the bat.

Vicky - posted on 05/09/2011

I'm perplexed why so many would be mortified. Our kids are kids and behave badly often. Yes, we expect our kids to behave, but we also understand that they behave poorly quite often. Any time any issue comes up between my kids and their friends/schoolmates, I initially question what was their role in the situation. Rarely is anybody blameless. My kid was the cause of three boys being dragged into the principal's office. She had to address what of her actions caused the situation. Yes, they may have acted poorly, but they were provoked by my daughter, and that never came out until I questioned my daughter. Understand that nobody is perfect, and any quarrel has at least two parties involved. If your kid is the bully, find out why he or she is wanting to act that way. Ask probing questions, and down to the heart of the matter not just the outward actions.

Brittany - posted on 05/09/2011

Another thing I thought about after I posted was this, many parents do not want to be held accountable for their child's actions. You are responsible and can be held accountable if your child hurts another child until they are 18. I keep up on the bully issues in the news and the first thing the parents of the bully say is "Well this is my child's fault." No you hold responsibility also. So many kids are being harassed over the internet, and text messages. I have no problem with a child having a cell phone or a Facebook. My problem is when parents do not keep tabs on their children's activities. My 10-year-old step-daughter has a cell phone that her father and I pay for. We know who she calls, texts, what websites she has been to, and we also have her phone blocked at certain times through out the day and night. Durning those black out times she can only call/text her mom, her dad, her granny and myself. This bit of protection costs me $5.00 a month. I am not saying she is a bully because, I highly doubt that but, we know what she is doing. We do not invade her privacy by reading her messages but, if an issue should arise we have access to this. This will continue until she turns 18. I know we are all busy with work or school (I am a full-time college student) but, our children are our most important asset. We must protect them from harm and from harming someone else. Asking your child how their day was and them responding uh or leave me alone mom it is none of your business, is not an ok answer.

Sara - posted on 05/09/2011

I would talk to my child, the other children involved and the school counselor. I would step back and see what led to this behavior in order to try to stop it in the future.

LouAnna - posted on 05/09/2011

This is so not politically correct, but I'd beat his ASS.

Pam - posted on 05/09/2011

What I would do is have him humiliated in front of the whole school and make him stand up each day at school and apologise and also get counselling and go to school with him and even be there as a look out during classes. The whole thing is mortifying and would also worry about what is really going on his mind. I think l would also encourage or make him do more sports, no computer and do more and talk more as obviously there are problems.

Michelle - posted on 05/09/2011

Id ask MYSELF WHAT is she/ he "crying out for" ? Too often parents dont LISTEN to their childs NEEDs= EMOTIONAL as well as body (etc.) They have NO patience nor EMpathy...Obviously children that are bullying (abusing others) are suffering inside. I recommend "Raising Cain" a book by top child psychologists as well as any/ all materials by Bryan Post of Post Institute in Oklahoma. Bryan, especially, SPECIALIZES in this sort of area (children that are defiant, and etc)

Jane - posted on 05/09/2011

My son is large and immature for his age. He also has very low self-esteem and has been a bully in the past. I have spoken to him about it and required him to write an apology to the child that he has bullied. I also work closely with his teachers to remind him not to bully and to use his words to express his frustrations rather than his fists. I have also made sure that he and the school are aware that if he starts something and the school chooses to punish him, the school will have my support.



In the past he came very close to being arrested for assault at school, but finally, now that he is 16, he seems to have gotten much better. He has earned detention a couple of times this year for language (our district has instituted a zero-policy for swearing) but he hasn't done anything physical this year at all. His conduct grades have almost all risen so what we are doing is working.



When he is successful at getting along with his peers we praise him, and his teachers give him rewards such as a candy bar or a soda.



Edited to add:



A big part of my son's problem is that he is not only impulsive due to severe ADHD, he is also ODD and Bipolar, and sometimes used to hallucinate.

Sara - posted on 05/09/2011

I would talk to my child. A lot. I would read books to them that emphasize empathy and feelings...Millicent and the wind, jungle bullies, some of the chicken soup for the childrens soul books are good for this, hmmm..I'd have to do some research. I'd ask them why they are bullying. I'd talk to them about their answer. I'd obviously talk about feelings and kindness and about what kind of person they want to be. Then I would call up the parents of the kids being bullied and get my kid together with them under our supervision somewhere fun so my child can learn to see the other child as a person. Once all that is done, I'd probably alert the teacher so he/she can make sure my child is acting responsibly in school regarding this matter.

Josefina - posted on 05/09/2011

Study the behavior of the people around him/her. Children easily learn what they see in adults.
We as parents must be the best example of what we want our children to be. If we want them to be generous,we should be generous,if we want them to be kind and nice , then we should be kind and nice etc,etc.

Carol - posted on 05/09/2011

This may sound mean but I would go directly to the school principal and I would be the one that would turn my child in. I would contact all of the children's parents that my child was bullying and I would have a meeting with them and the principal so that they would know that I do not support this kind of behavior and together we would all confront my child. Not only would this help me from beating the snot out of her but it would show her that she will not get away with it and hopefully scare the crap out of her. Good luck with your situation hun, I hope this helps.

Terrie - posted on 05/09/2011

I would work with the school to take necessary steps to stop the bullying. I would make sure that he she got the appropriate correction and it will be different for every child as children respond differently to correction then I would keep in close contact with the school to make sure my child was staying on the right track.

Brittany - posted on 05/09/2011

I love my children very very very much but, I am also very blunt with them. I do not hold back. I would not hesitate to tell them that if they are caught being a bully and the school district pressed charges or something even worse, like the other child taking his or her own life, that I will be there to support them as a parent but, I am not proud of them in anyway. I would sit down and write an apology letter to the family and make my child do the same. I would also read to them the articles on the internet of children going to jail because, someone they bullied killed themselves. I do not believe that this is at all a light matter and therefore should not be taken lightly. My children are 5, 4 and 3. I have sat down with them and explained to them what bullying is, what happens when you bully someone, and what to do if you or someone you know is being bullied. My oldest will be in kindergarten this year. We take them to the park from time to time and I feel confident that they will not partake in such nonsense. They have seen bullying on the playground and they have told me when they see it. I have even listened to my 5 year old tell other children that being a bully is lame and that he does not want to play with anyone who is a bully.

Susan - posted on 05/09/2011

My little boy has just started prep, and although he is definetly not a bully, he does have issues with sharing. The teacher and I have started a communication book so I know how my son has been behaving each day, and if he has been good he gets a sticker on his reward chart. if he gets all his stickers for the week he is allowed tuckshop on Friday. Along with this I have talked to him about bullies and asked him how he would feel if someone bullied him etc. I want to nip this in the butt now before it may escalate. This approach is working, as his behaviour has improved in the classroom and he always says to me, Mum, bullies dont have friends do they?

Cheryl - posted on 05/09/2011

I would seek professional help to uncover the underlying cause that they feel such aggression. Left without help can escalate into bigger things as they grow.

Maria - posted on 05/09/2011

honestly? i would handle it old-school just like my parents did and parents before them. fortunately, my parents never had to lay a hand on my brothers and me because we knew what we would get. if my child was the one doing the bullying, i would seriously knock him/her into the next time zone, drag them back by their hair then knock them back over. there is never a good reason to bully someone. i would take my child to a counselor or therapist, maybe there is some reason in his mind. i really don't know. what does he tell you and the school? is he trying to get attention? good luck. just so you have some hope to cling to, i never, ever, ever thought for one second that my kids were blameless or angels. i've never blamed anyone other than them for bad choices. it's easy to blame someone else when your child does something stupid (stealing, smoking, etc) but the way i see it, unless someone has a gun pointed to their head threatening to spill their brains all over-there is ALWAYS a choice. if your child is hanging around a known bully-let him know that if he's with this kid while he's bullying he will also get in trouble. guilt by association works for anything from illegal activity to bullying. let him know that behavior is unacceptable and law enforcement could and would be brought in to deal with it. none of us can afford not to take this seriously. a student my daughter goes to school with posted on her facebook status "jane smith (not her real name) is on my kill list" i called the police immediately. i would do the same if it were my own kids. they know they aren't immune to consequences just because they're my kids. good luck shannin