What would you do? Is it wrong for me to demand that my husband choose between our family and his daughter?

Brandi - posted on 12/29/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My stepdaughter has always given me problems. She was 9 when she falsely accused me of leaving bruises on her and when she tried to say that my at the time 7 year old was "touching" her. It has been one thing after another since I married her dad. She admitted last night that she was going to continue to not listen and cause trouble until I leave and take my 3 daughters with me. She said she is not gonna listen and that she enjoys hurting me and my kids. I have tried everything I can think of and nothing is working with her. She said that it did not bother her at all to know that me and my husband's youngest daughter, 4 year old Emalee, is going to be devastated to not see her daddy every day. She said she was glad Emalee was gonna be upset. What do I do? My husband spanked her when he got home from work this morning and she didn't even flinch. She does not care. She will gladly take the spanking to get rid of me and my kids. I don't know what to do. Please help!

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Lacye - posted on 12/29/2012

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I hate to tell you but if you try to force him to make a decision between the two of you, you might be the one that gets the boot. That is his daughter, his flesh and blood. It doesn't matter what she does, he is still going to love her no matter what.

You need to have a sit down with your husband and talk to him about her behavior. Does he know what she has been saying about wanting to hurt you and the other kids in the house? What does he have to say about this?

From the sound of it, your SD wants attention and it doesn't matter what kind of attention it is. It doesn't matter to her if it is negative attention or not. She just wants it. You need to keep in mind that she is just a child.

One last thing, when you say she wants to hurt you, are you talking about your feelings or literally hurt you physically?

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Piper - posted on 07/31/2013

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Wow, this kid needs therapy. Possibly medication in the interim. I don't immediately jump to medication- EVER. I think most of the time it's the wrong decision, but in this case I'd talk to your husband about it as a possibility, and then her ped.

She's obviously very disturbed and hateful. My sister was like this, and because my mother never dealt with it properly (MEDICATION) she's still like this at almost 30. She's evil!

She went to counseling and therapy for years and years, but would just bullshit the providers...

How old is this girl?

Another possibly more extreme approach than medication, would be to absolutely kill her with love. It sounds like she might need a little extra. She must feel like an outsider with your girls? There's always two sides to the story, so make sure you listen well to hers, too. And give her a real, safe and secure environment to really express it.

Best of luck!

Ariana - posted on 12/30/2012

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I would talk to your husband and get her into councelling while she is there. Even if she only sees you every other week, or once a month, you can get her councelling. You may also want to get family councelling for all of you. This is effecting you and your other children, and this girl. A family councellor will be able to help all of you figure out how to deal with this situation and, hopefully, get you and your husband on the same page.

If he refuses to go to coucelling, or won't send her to it either, take your children and go yourself without him. Obviously invite him with you, but you need to do what's right for you (and this family!) and they may be able to delve deeper into this situation and help you all figure out what to do.

I would also not leave this child unsupervised with your children if you are afraid she may beat on the younger one or she has admitted to antagonizing her. If she is in a room with your kids make sure you are there, or that your kids are not alone with her.

Also have the father be more a part of her life, do something special with her. She is probably very angry that you all have 'stolen' her fathers attention and is taking it out on all of you.

I would also try to involve her in your guys life and be nice to her and positive about her (even if she's being nasty). If she thinks you all hate her and think she's a liar and mean, she's going to act like that. If you start being positive with her, about anything, say she's really funny, or if you DO see her being nice talk to her about how nice that is, or better yet have her father do that!

Like I said though, I would get a family councellor. Even if she isn't there enough to get her consistant councelling you could bring her to family councelling sessions, or provide her with her own councellor for the times she does visit. There is a whole family dynamic that needs to be switched around.

Michelle - posted on 12/29/2012

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It sounds like she's crying out for her Father to show her some love.

Maybe talk to your husband and get him into some counseling or parenting classes. If he has no interest in her then of course she will do anything to get his attention, even if it's bad. If she sees that he gives more love and attention to the other children then she's jealous of that.

Step back and see if he treats her differently to the others then you will have your answer. It's not her it's him that needs to change.

Brandi - posted on 12/29/2012

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He does know about her behavior and she has admitted to him. So for, it has only been her trying to hurt our feelings (mine and my 2 older girls). The 4 year old, however, my stepdaughter lies about her so that she will get a spanking. She says that she bullies my youngest daughter and tries to get her a spanking because my 4 year old can't do anything about it. And while this has nothing to do with me, my stepdaughter talks about how she beats up her 5 year old sister at her moms. I am worried that eventually she will physically hurt my youngest daughter. I have talked to my kids' doctor about her behavior and he says that she needs counseling but she is not with us enough for us to do it and even if my husband talked to his ex, she would not do anything. But the fact is that he does not care enough to confront her about the child's mental health. And yes, my husband may give me the boot and I am completely prepared to accept that, but she is not the only child that he has to consider. If she is falsely accusing me of abuse and my daughter of touching her at 9, what will she do when she is mad at me at 15 years old? She could have caused my children to be taken away from me...if she was a better liar. I have my children to think about and protect too. With my stepdaughter, my husband simply goes through the motions of being a dad. He sends the child support and lets her come but always makes sure somebody else will take care of her. He does not spend time with her and he does not correct her when she needs it...he never has. Before I came along, his mom raised her when she was with him. So really, he would not be giving up much.

Dove - posted on 12/29/2012

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Does your husband know she is saying those things? What does HE say about the situation (other than refusing to talk to the mom)?

Brandi - posted on 12/29/2012

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She is 10 now. I told him she needs help. Unfortunately, she does not live with us and her mother will not accept the fact that her daughter has issues and my husband will not even discuss it with his ex wife. I can't help her and I feel completely out of control. She has stated that she will do whatever it takes to get rid of me and my girls and that she likes seeing my kids hurt. If everything we have tried is wrong then what should I do? I am very eagerly accepting suggestions.

Dove - posted on 12/29/2012

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Yes, it is absolutely wrong for you to have your husband have to choose between his daughter and his current family. SHE is his family too. If she was 9 when she made false accusations against you... how old is she now? Even at 9 she was too old to spank. She needs help and it sounds like you all could use some counseling together.

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