When divorcing - what should I ask? i.e When is it time to divorce, the children r young....

Jodi - posted on 09/28/2009

Patricia, I think every situation is different. I reached my limit when my son (then 2) came out of his bedroom with his hands over his ears yelling at his daddy to stop screaming at me. That was my defining moment. My ex refused to go to any sort of counselling, and we certainly couldn't fix it ourselves. When I took some time out and really looked at the situation, I decided that my son would be better off if we were NOT together. There was verbal and emotional abuse, a husband who refused to believe anything was wrong and therefore didn't believe counselling was necessary, and a child who was very upset by the situation.



If mum and dad are fighting all the time, and can't resolve their issues, have they tried counselling? I am a true believer that no-one should walk out of a marriage without trying absolutely everything and weighing up what is best for the kids. Everyone fights sometimes, all couples have their issues, but if it is ongoing and not being resolved this is when it becomes toxic. Emotionally, children are much better off long-term if their parents separate and move on to a happier life than if they are fighting all the time and unhappy. It is also difficult to be the best parent you can be if you are so incredibly unhappy, hurt, angry.

Natalie - posted on 09/28/2009

My ex husband and I divorced with my daughter was just a little over a year old. It was the best thing for me and my daughter and although it is a struggle at first, my ex and I are now "friends" for my daughter's sake, and life is so much easier for all of us. You know when the time comes and you are not happy anymore, and your main concerns should be you and your child's welfare and happiness. I was scared to death but I pulled through with flying colors, and so will you. It didn't really effect my daughter when her dad left, I think because she was so young. However, stress and fighting during the marriage did effect her. Don't worry about setting an example about staying together for your child. If it's not gonna happen, it's not gonna happen. That's life. Set a better example by showing your child that they can be strong willed and make good decisions in life by doing whatever it takes to make them happy. Good luck to you sweetheart.

Teresa - posted on 09/28/2009

Hi Patricia, divorce is a difficult issue for any family and I can see that you are still very unsure if this is the path you want to take, you must of course look after yourself but also the needs of the children are very important to, chuildren soon that parents are not happy and they can sometimes get caught up in all of the disagrements that are going on leaving them feeling sad and confused, might I suggest that maybe you have a small break witht he children maybe a exstended vaction with family and during this time find someone you can talk things over with to work out what is best for you and your family? if this is not possible then maybe someone can take the children a grand parent or other family member for a a few days to give you and your husband tiome to work out your issues or make the plans you need to make for the future without the distraction of caring for the children. I hope in time you manage to work out the best decsion for you and your husband and children wher eyou can all be happy and continue to be the good mother you are , good luck

Erin - posted on 09/28/2009

I grew up in a family that spent 16 years together (for the kids) in this process making a total of 6! My parents fought all the time and have drinking problems. I understand that this is not necessarily your issue, but your husband and your behavior is rubbing off on your children. Of my siblings a few do not wish to even try marriage because they have never seen one that worked well. Everything you do will affect your children, all the good and all the bad. If your husband is not willing to work on the relationship this will cause resentment against him on your part, and worst of all you are teaching your son that it is ok to treat women the way your husband treats you :( Whatever you decide will not be an easy road! Good luck!!!

Carolyn - posted on 09/28/2009

From past experience with other people. They have said, never stay in a bad relationship just for the kids. Grown kids that I know from divorced parents, say the same thing. It would have been better if they were apart and happy instead of together and miserable. Yeah apart is not easy, but the staying together is even harder, especially for the kids. They are the innocent ones here. If you are happier they will be too. They won't understand until they get older anyway. Their is never a good time but think about it, why wait and waiting for whom or what to change? Figure the best plan for you and your kids can understand that later. Be happy and safe for the kids.

Charlotte - posted on 09/28/2009

The best time for the children is the younger the better. Marriages go through cycles and their is a very low valley immediately after child birth and with young children in the house which is NORMAL. If you do not climb out of this valley after some serious commitment of time and effort then move forward with your life and happiness. Life is too short to be unhappily married. I stayed in a 10 year marriage - 5 long, unhappy years and I am single, alone and happy not to be in that lonely sad place. It is better to be ALONE than to be married and not have a real partner that is a life teammate for you. You need to realize that when you divorce -with children - you are in most states - likely to lose your children 50% of their childhood in a joint shared custody arrangement which most states will grant if the father wants to participate in raising his children. In Florida a 50/50 share is the default and norm demanded by the state and if one parent chooses NOT to participate they will adjust the child support formula to have that parent pay more expenses. But its not about money - you will lose your children - than means 1/2 of all Christmas, birthdays, thanksgivings, halloweens, you name it. This was the total heartbreak of my divorce and a huge price I had to pay to be free from marraige with a man who did not love me.

Tanya - posted on 09/28/2009

Quoting Jennifer:

The common theme I'm reading in *most* of these replys to you is that YOU do everything to make sure your marriage works out. . . WHERE IS THE HUSBANDS' RESPONSIBILITY in their advice???

This is a very good point to make.... I was once given this story and it really opened my eyes and my husbands during a time we needed it....

Marriage is like two row boats sitting in the middle of the ocean right next to one another, and the wife is in one and the husband is in the other as time passes the small waves will make the boats start to drift apart, you will have to row to get back next to one another.. It wil take both of your efforts sometimes and sometimes one of you will be willing to pick up the lack of rowing for your partner. But there will be large waves that will push you further from eachother it will take both of you rowing to get back next to eachother...

So I agree with Jennifer it takes both a husband and a wife to make a marriage work and at times we will all feel like giving up and not wanting or feeling we can do it anymore but if you try you may find yourselfs coming out on top and hopefully with a better understanding of what you were going through...

As I stated before if there is abuse (and I concider abuse verbal, physical, emotional or anything else harmful to any person in the family - drug abuse or a drinking problem are even cosidered to me harmful to the family because children have the right to not have to live with that) the time to get out couldn't be sooner.. If you would like to repair a relationship that has abuse, I believe you need to seek help for the whole family...And it would probably be a separated family for a long while while things are resolved...Never stay where you or your family does not feel safe!!!

Helen - posted on 09/28/2009

it is true most of the responses here are against, but i wanted to share my story. Ibwas always against divorce, i came to France with my husband when i was pregnant and returned to the uk for check up's and to give birth, we came back to france when my baby was 4 weeks old. The dad was never supportive, on my 21st birthday he told me things wern't working that we should finish renovating our house then seperate. At one point when i asked if we could go back to the uk and try and make it work he refused but said i could go back with our son on my own. I suffered 6 years of emotional abusr because i wanted my son to have both his parents, nearly four years ago now the strain got too much and i took an overdose of my antianxiety tablets. My husband waited over an hour to call an ambulance and i almost died.

You have to do whats right for you, having wanted to protect my child and give him the family he needs i have ended up causing more harm

Patricia - posted on 09/28/2009

I thank you ALL - I see in general that ALL are against divorce - ME TOO !! Refering to the one comment - EMOTIONAL abuse is also a great factor!! This is one thing that I have!! We had one instance were he was physical, but he is better with the emotional. I feel like a dog when he starts. My oldest son is already showing some violence - aggression & hitting (towards his sister & friends). I was taught not to give up and especially when married. My parents were great examples!! Yes - you can fight and disagree about things, but he starts getting personal & threatens with divorce & other much more macabure things. He wants to be the Boss in the house - he 100%; me 0%...we can still discuss, but he makes the final decision...NO...we both make one! I want to work on the marriage - he thinks nothing is wrong - just ME! I took him to a psychologist and a marriage counselor - nothing helped. He is a typical MAN in the house :o(
I have taking all your advise to heart and will decide after I have spoken to my attorney about my rights as a woman with children & then ....

Jennifer - posted on 09/25/2009

Patricia,



The common theme I'm reading in *most* of these replys to you is that YOU do everything to make sure your marriage works out. . . WHERE IS THE HUSBANDS' RESPONSIBILITY in their advice??? It takes 2 people to be in a marriage, not just the wife being submissive to what the husband wants/decides. That is VERY antiquated. I agree that you (AS A COUPLE) should try everything possible to make living together enjoyable again - however IF THE HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE IN ANY WAY - NOT JUST PHYSICALLY OR THE HUSBAND IS UNWILLING TO "WORK" ON THE MARRIAGE - then you have NO choice. The sooner you get the process of analyzing started, the sooner you'll know what your true options are, and the sooner you can get on with your life - one way or the other. I come from an abusive family (my ex-step-dad both physically and emotionally abused me [and my mom]) and it took my mom YEARS to get the courage to walk away from him - I still have emotional scars from it and I'm nearly 30. If there's abuse, walk away NOW, there is no better time. Other than that, figure out if/what you and your husband are willing to do TOGETHER to make it work. If it's just not possible, then leave.



Hope that helps, not meant to be preachy or combative... Good Luck!!!

Jen

Marian - posted on 09/25/2009

I was on the virge of divorce, my son was young, I thought If I were to get a divorce, now is the time, but I think you must ask yourself these questions 1. are you or your kids being physically abused? 2. Are you and your kids safe? 3. Have you done EVERYthing possible to salvage your marriage (and by this I mean compromise, counseling, therapy, rehab, Any and everything that applies to the situation)? if so, as a last ditch opportunity try "The Love Dare" it is a book. totally commit yourself to it once u complete it give it to you husband so he can try it. after all of this, if you can not work things out, you have done everything you can to salvage your relationship. That is the time to get out. My hubby and I had some major issuses (alcoholism, violence, and several other issues I do not feel comfortable sharing). I thought I had tried everything to salvage our relationship, finally I moved out, a few monthsa later, did the love dare, and made compromises. Now we are happier than ever. no more drinking, no more bad behavior, just a normal happy marriage. I am glad that I did not give up. most of the time, if both parties are commited to making things work, they will.

Tanya - posted on 09/25/2009

** If there is abuse in your marriage right now is the time to get out......



I think you should try EVERYTHING possible before you consider divorce (councling, classes, help through your church, a mentor couple ect.)... But if you have done that aready, and the relationship is still bad and not a healthy relationship for you or your children then I don't think there is a best time to get a divorce.. I know people who were young when there parents got a divorce they pretty much didn't know any different (that's if they were too young to remember) I know people who where children but old enough to remember it and they are a bit touchy about it and I know people who's parents waited until the kids were grown to get a divorce only thing different there is they thought they made a great decision staying together for the kids but they didn't think how it would effect their grandchildren...At any age a divorce can be hard, but if you've tried everything you could to try to work at the relationship then at least you can say you did try everything and it was still an unhealthy relationship... Remember fighting is not unhealthy unless its physical or going over board.. If there is argueing and just not getting along that is not unhealthy as long as you two can try to work at it, kids should see thier parents disagree and maybe stay mad for a while, they learn that in a relationship it does take work to learn to see eye to eye or even eye to almost eye.. I don't want to seem like I'm telling you not to get a divorce but I think divorce is an easy way out of things that could possibly be fixed that is why I say after you try everything you could.. I maybe young but my husband and I have been though a lot, we have sometimes thought that there was no way we could get along we have fallen out of love with eachother and it took work to build our relationship up again.. We have worked at tons of things and we are still now where near perfect but we both have learned that it's going to take both of us to work at this relationship and just when we are on top be prepared to fall down again because that is what marriage is all about.

Carmen - posted on 09/25/2009

Think about the example you are setting for you child by staying together. The example of how a husband & wife should be towards each other as well as a mother & father are towards their children. Because in the end that is more than likely the example you child will grow to follow & be themselves. So, if you can imagine your child behaving towards their spouse or children the way you are now...would you be proud of it? If not, then perhaps you should separate. One person making a good example of themselves is better then none.

BarbarA - posted on 09/25/2009

when you qre mqrried you hqve to strive also to be a good wife it is not easy but you are going to have to lean how tomake him feel special in your life, the first year is a get to know each other and I don't believe that you should jump to a divore unlest he is abusing you and the baby, it take two to tangle and marriage is a partnership and he has feelings two. a child should have the opportunity to have bothe parents in thier live's you can't be selfish in thinking me me me .

Arielle - posted on 09/25/2009

me and my daughters father ended it when she was exactly 1 years old, there was way too much going on and all i wanted to do was focus on being a mom without the fighting, i don't want to sound like im encouraging you to have a divorce but if it's something you really truly want to do, it's best at a youg age because the child can grow up already adjusted with splitting days, holidays, and etc, the transition is just alot easier while they are because as they grow, they grow understanding that's just my opinion