When do you tell a child he/she is adopted ?

Mandy - posted on 06/06/2010

There is never the "right" time to tell someone they are adopted. Even in the most loving setting a child will do through the feelings of abandonment. I always just knew that I was being brought up by my aunt and uncle, I was never actually adopted, I was subject to a residency order till I was 16. I never fully understood the situation till I was about 8.
I think a few people on here are being unhelpful with their "You should have told him from the start" comments.
You know your grandson better than anyone else, so you'll know when the best time is to approach this and in what way. For me the best approach would be to talk about different types of families, and how no way is the "right" way to have a family, as long as everyone loves each other. Keep it simple and only give him the facts at first, he might just accept this and get on with everything, or he may have loads of questions. Make sure he knows that he can ask you and your husband anything and you will tell him the truth, don't paint his bio-mum in a bad light but don't make her out to be a fantasy mum either. It may be a little difficult for a little while afterwards, you may get the "you're not my real mum" when you discipline him for a little while but as long as you continue you to treat him exactly the same way you always have, you will all get through this as a family.

Victoria F - posted on 06/06/2010

NOW IT WOULD BE GREAT

Victoria - posted on 06/06/2010

I would have told him from the beginning.

Sapphire - posted on 06/05/2010

This is the exact story a former student I had was involved with. She was adopted by her bio-grandparents and her teen mom simply relinquished rights. However, this was 8th grade, and the student "accidentally" learned the truth that who she believed to be her older cousin was really her bio mother. This student always knew she was adopted, and that never bothered her. It was the lie of bio mother is NOT a cousin that sent this young lady into a downward spiral. So where do I fit in to this? I connected to this student and she trusted me. She needed me to vent to, complain to, cry to. This student spent every single lunch period with me. Luckily, she maintained decent grades throughout this trauma. I later learned at parent/teacher conferences that the mother was attempting to get the family into group counseling and it just wasn't going over well. The student brought up my name several times in counseling as "the person she feels most comfortable talking with" so I had to send a notarized statement to the therapist, with the principal's consent of course. I kept in touch with the young lady off and on over the years, and she just graduated high school. Cool, right?! Nope-the whole deceitful part of the bio mother/cousin thing caused her parents to divorce. I never asked for more details, other than what she shared. And what do you know? At age 18, she is thinking of moving in with her bio mother-at least that is what she shared when I ran into her in April. So...the moral of the whole story....seek the guidance from a family therapist who can fascilitate the dialogue that will be needed during the most difficult conversation you can ever have with your child. I wish you all the very best in the future!

S~ - posted on 06/05/2010

The sooner the better :-)
I'd make him his life book a book for him to keep always, get your daughter to write him a letter telling him how she choose him to be parented by you instead (make sure it is very positive). Show lots of photos of his whole life with you. The dr appointments How you were looking forward to him being with you. Copies of paperwork involved (if positive) take a photo of the court house etc. Then one day sit down and share it with him.

This will become a treasured possession even if he rejects it immediately. I also would have Your daughter the birth mom ready and waiting to answer any an all questions if possible.

He really needs to know. Have you read any materials on how to deal with his grief? his reaction to you and how he might take it? You also need to be prepared (hugs) its hard on you to. so take the time to make the book and read up on grief and loss in adoption at his age level (or call a local adoption support group) then tell him.

In the long run you will be glad you did :-)

I remeber in a Adoption seminar the lady giving it made us say out loud 3 times "I'm not your real Mother" to help us get over the fear it evokes. Because in one sense it is true and another it is not. Embrace it and love him to pieces.

Veronica - posted on 06/04/2010

Well, he is eight years old, which is still young enough for bedtime stories, right? Do what was done for my mom (who was adopted) and make it a "once upon a time" story, that God knew that this little boy was always in your heart, but not always in your arms. The woman who gave him to you (you don't necessarialy need to say he is your grandson, if he is used to calling you mom.) knew that he would be loved and safe and happy with you, and that this made your family whole. Of course, you can add details and change whatever you want, but in the form of a story, news seems less harsh than just sitting him down for a serious discussion one day. He already knows that you love him and that he loves you. More than likely, he will be okay with the circumstances that brought him to his mom and dad.

Good luck!

Kelly - posted on 06/04/2010

We have three biological kids and one adopted (#3). Her biological mother was our niece. Our daughter knows she is adopted; I told her when she was five (she's eight now). It was so tempting not to tell her at all, but I never gave myself that option because I just knew somehow that she would find out someday and be so hurt. I never wanted her to feel less than secure about our relationship with her. Anyway, she knows she is adopted because her "first mommy" was a teenager who didn't have food for her or a good place to live, and couldn't take care of her. She doesn't know who her first mommy was. She has asked me a couple of times if I know who it was, and I have said that it was "just a young teenager". She still sees her every now and then (sometimes as often as twice a year, or it has gone as far as maybe a year and a half between times that we hear from her), and our daughter thinks they are just cousins. I kept a journal of the adoption journey, and also a small scrapbook of all pictures I have of our daughter as a baby (before she came to us) and also of them together throughout the years. I will give these to my daughter when she is much older (I think maybe between sixteen and eighteen, we will have to see how mature she is). I worry not that she will feel less for us, but that when she realizes the whole truth about her first mommy she will feel in some way less secure about herself. I don't know if that makes sense. Its just that, how do I explain that she could have seen her anytime she wanted, and she just didn't? Sorry this is so long, but I hope I gave you some things to think about, or at least now you know you are not alone in this tricky situation!

Andrea - posted on 06/04/2010

The sooner he knows, the better. Waiting any longer could be tragic for him.

Kara-lynn - posted on 06/04/2010

I was adopted at six months of age. My mom and dad told me at age five as I was dark and they weren't...They also told me if I wanted to find the biological parents they would support me....I have had no problems and love them dearly...I don't worry nor do I want to find my biological parents as I am blessed with the ones who chose me to be their daughter...I don't have a longing to find the biological parents in order to be whole!!!! I think it's a bunch of crap...I am thirty seven and feel fantastic...I think you should tell him at around the same age.....Wishing the best of luck and happiness :)

Kim - posted on 06/04/2010

My mom was adopted and grew up knowing all along. From what she has told me, the sooner you can tell him the more natural it will be to him. If you wait too long, there may be feelings of betrayal- but you need to do what is right for your family dynamic. It's not an easy subject at all. If you do choose to tell him, I'd find a good family councellor in your area to help prepare with any issues that may come up... Good luck and follow your instincts.

Teresa - posted on 06/04/2010

From birth would've been a good idea, so I'm sorry... I don't have any helpful suggestions.