When is a good time to tell your ex that you are seeing someone.

[deleted account] ( 18 moms have responded )

I need some advice. I recently split from my babys father and I moved to houston. We have joint custody of our son right now. However, I am involved with someone else now and my son is and will be around him. My ex and I had an agreement that we would not bring anyone around our son unless we know it got serious. My son has met him and spends time with the both of us and has alot of fun. The new guy is really great with him and my son likes him to. Im just not sure when I should let my ex know considering that fact that our break up was pretty recent and i am already seeing someone else. Thoughts??

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Dove - posted on 11/08/2012

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Him being an old friend does complicate things with your son a bit, but your son should not be aware that there is anything going on with this guy other than the friendship that you had before it changed. And your friend should not be spending any more time with you and your son together than he did in the past. 'Nothing' should change in your son's eyes. That way if the two of you don't last.... it won't be as much of an adjustment to your child.



Your ex should know asap since you've kind of changed your agreed upon arrangement here. If your son doesn't yet know of the change in relationship... you can let your ex know that part too.



I don't know how long you've been separated from your ex, but it's a good idea to take things VERY slowly when it comes to a new relationship.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/08/2012

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Ok...first off if you have recently split from your ex....really it should be a while in my opinion before bringing any new relationship into the childs life. You are there to protect him. You should not introduce your son to this guy unless it is really serious. 2 months of seeing this guy? i would NOT be introducing anyone to my son yet. I would want a solid year under my belt. I would not want to introduce my kids to a new man, and have it last for a bit....have my kids get attached....and then BAM! Another man in their lives is gone. Get to know this guy. You may have known him in the past, but things are different when you are romantically involved.



I would be telling your ex asap. You would want him to tell you immediately right?

[deleted account]

Ok - I too have this agreement with my ex. He kept it in the past, but just broke it with the new girl - but she is different. I can tell, she has changed him for the much better and I can tell he wants it to work. She is not a rebound, they are out of the honeymoon stage that couples face in the first few months. Which I feel you two are in. Involving the children in such an early stage is not good. You are in the "life is perfect" stage where there are no problems. Once things settle, and people become their true selves, things may change. But it is too late for your child. He doesn't see things the way adults do. I have NEVER gotten my son involved in a relationship. I even dated a man for a year - but I knew once the honeymoon part was over, that he was not the one. You need to wait. But that advise is too late now.



You need to do unto other that which you would have done unto you - which is tell him. You would want to be informed. So you need to tell him. Whoever is around your child - for both of you - should be discussed when it falls into this category. This is no joke and should not be taken lightly. children get attached very easily, and have very different emotions than adults do. They are not as developed as we are, and your ex needs to know to deal with any backlash or comments that may be spoken. You cannot ask your child to "not tell daddy". that is not fair to him. Putting your son in that lying awkward position is not right either. Please make that call immediately. Showing your ex that respect will go a long way.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/08/2012

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Well then you have already completely justified your actions to yourself, and you kknow what you are going to do so I am not sure why you are asking for advice. If this is a relationship that your son is going to know the man, then go tell your ex and stop being a chicken.

THEODORA - posted on 11/09/2012

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Hmmmm I am sure when you met your ex you planned for it to last for ever and it did not.

2 months is to short to bring the man into your sons life. 14 yrs of friendship is very different from 6mths of a sexual relationship. Hold out for 1 yr like some one advised you to do. And do not inform you husband until you are taking the next step. You dont want to keep informing himof new boyfriends cos he might consider you unstable which would jeopardize your custody stand. Just my opinion.

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Holly - posted on 11/08/2012

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Best time to have told him in this situation would have been I don't know... before you broke your agreement. Since that isn't possible I'd come clean ASAP. Think of how mad you would be if your ex was bringing around a new "mommy" and you didn't know about it. You wouldn't like it one bit. You wouldn't care if this was an old flame or friend of his. You had an agreement that is all you'd care about. And you made this agreement and agreed to it to protect your son. So why are you so special that you can break it but I guarantee you would have wanted him to keep it for your sanity. Not to mention if he finds this out from someone else he'll be even more angry at how deceitful you are and might turn on you and well your getting along with your ex will more than end.



You should have kept to the agreement but beings you already haven't it would be smart to come clean before you get real consequences! I know if I was him and found this out I'd lawyer up and be telling how you weren't acting in the best interest of my child.

Pam - posted on 11/08/2012

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I would approach it as X has been hanging out with Y and me. We have lots of fun together I just thought you should now as we agreed that if someone was going to be around we would tell each other. As you know X and Y have met several times before as we were all friends so it is not that I am putting him around someone new but someone who's kids Y can play with and an adult I can hang out with and have fun with. If the relationship were to get serious I will let you know but right now it is just someone to hang out with.

Ashley - posted on 11/08/2012

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also, if your worried about telling your ex, then you probably are not over him, and chances are this guy is a rebound, and will not work out.

Shawnn - posted on 11/08/2012

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Your agreement (in your OP) was "we would not bring anyone around our son unless we know it got serious"



You may have started as "friends", but unless he was a constant in your life when you were with your ex, he is someone that you have brought around your son with out letting your ex know, per your agreement. The very minute that you took that friendship to the next level, you should have mentioned it to your ex.



Yes, as harsh as it sounds, you have broken your agreement. And, trust me, your ex will see it that way, too. Just do the adult thing, and tell your ex now, before he finds out from a mutual acquaintance, and takes steps against you.



Besides that, how would you react if the situation were reversed? Your ex starts seeing someone that he was previously "just friends" with, but the relationship has changed, and he's letting his new gf see and interact with your son, but hasn't told you...

Ashley - posted on 11/08/2012

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first of all, it is none of his business who you see. second, if you split up so recently and you are already seeing someone, it is probably too early to introduce your child to him. but i see you said you were friends before, and was around your baby then, so it isnt that big of a deal. but, before you let your child know you are in a relationship, like letting your child see you kiss, cuddle, or anything like that then you should make sure it is serious and that he is going to stick around. dont let him be a huge part in your childs life in case it doesnt work out, so your baby wont get attatched and then be heartbroken when he doesnt come around anymore. be just friends in front of your child, just like it was before you got in the relationship.

[deleted account]

my son had already met him before we agreed on anything. Like I said he was a friend before and he and I would hang around our friends that had kids also just in a general setting. Now our relationship is more than just friends. So did I technically break my word?

Shawnn - posted on 11/08/2012

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Well, my initial thought is that if you made an agreement with him that NEITHER OF YOU WOULD BRING ANYONE AROUND YOUR SON, and you've already done that, not once, but multiple times, you've already broken your word, and were I your ex, I'd be pissed that you couldn't at least live up to an agreement that you'd made with me, regarding our child.



That being said, IMMEDIATELY. You've already broken your word, don't make it worse by continuing to present a false situation to your ex.

[deleted account]

Thank you Lil Miss. I am asking advice on when I should tell my ex now or later. I already know what i was going to do or where im going with the new relationship just wanted to know when a good time to let the ex know..thats all. But eveyone was very helpful! Thanks for letting me put my thoughts out...its been bothering for a while. I dont want to lie to him either or hide things from him because I know later on when it comes to it and I lied the whole entire time..im going to have to remember what i said so i dont get caught. So you moms are right I should tell him. Now the next question is how...in person or over the phone?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/08/2012

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The longer you wait, the more difficult of a discussion it will be.

[deleted account]

we have the conversation about us being together and making it work already. We both really want this relationship to go far. We are done with the games we had in our previous relationships. We have known each other for 14 years and we just reunited several months ago. I know and he knows that this is really important because we have our kids involved. I met his daughter already and we get along great. I really feel that this is going to be the last relationship im in. We both are really putting all our efforts into this relationship for each other and eventually as a family.

[deleted account]

The reason im asking is because i dont want it to jepordize our joint custody we currently have. Not sure if i should tell him now or later.

[deleted account]

Well its kind of complicated to explain...he was an old friend at first then it just now turned into something a little more. So i would say about 2 months but my son has met him before several times. Our kids even play together before.

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