When my 8 yr old daughter goes to her fathers house, his wife wont let her call me if he's not around. Comforting, right? I am so tempted to comfront her about it but she is a little insecure and will make a huge deal out of it. He's really no help with the situation. Im considering just getting my daughter a cell phone for her to take there with her. What do u think?

Jo - posted on 05/28/2009

Get one like the firefly where you put in a couple of numbers that she can only call. That was you are still in control. Too many weirdos out there just in case she mis dials.

Olga - posted on 05/28/2009

If I were u I would confront her not in front of your daughter but in front of your ex, put an end to the situation I dont see why she have to be upset for all means if your daughter wants to call u and specially if her dad is not there.

Lena - posted on 05/28/2009

Quoting Lauren:

Being a stepmom myself I see where she is coming from, but I have never not allowed my stepdaughter to call her mother unless she was only wanting to call because she got in trouble. In that case I would tell her to call her father and when it was time for her to go home I would let her mother know what she did and what the punishment was. What both sides have to realize is that both homes are not necessarily going to have the same rules and that you can't dictate what goes on in your ex-spouses home whether your child is there or not. My stepdaughter and I have a close relationship but it wasn't always that way, it was rocky at first and we had to set a lot of ground rules...it is hard being a stepmom (I also have three children of my own and believe me, moms have it easier). It might not be insecurity on her part, it might be her trying to let your daughter know that when she is at her father's house she needs to visit with them and not be on the phone with you the entire time. If it is just for the weekend, she can go two days without talking to you, if it is for the week or summer..once or twice (per week) should be enough.

I have to agree with this.  While I have no step children, nor do my children have step parents, I know my kids will often call my cell phone while I'm at work when 1) they are arguing with each other or 2) Dad tells them no to something they think I will say yes to or 3) they are arguing with Dad.  None of these are things I need to be involved with when I'm at work and Dad is at home.  If the OP's daughter is calling to say good-night, I would think that the stepmom is being a bit paranoid; if the OP's daughter is calling because the stepmom told her she can't have a cookie before dinner then I have to agree with the stepmom.

Amber - posted on 05/28/2009

We got my sister a cell phone because her dad's other wouldn't let her use the phone either. After a while of her having the cell we found out there was an awful lot going on in that household that the Other was not wanting Katie to tell us. It is also against the law for her to keep your daughter from you even if it is Dad's weekend.

Rebecca - posted on 05/28/2009

DeOssha, I know many moms on here would agree with you but step moms are getting a bad rap on here. I for one don't want to play "mommy" to my husbands kids. I'd love for my husband to take responsibility for the kids and spend quality time with them but the reality is that doesn't always happen. That's not realistic to many men out there. I harp on my husband to do those things and I constantly stand up for the boys mom but I can't control what another person does. Like it or not women in many of those homes are the ones that are taking care of these kids and as much as moms would like it otherwise it just isn't so. Think about it. If these men didn't help, etc. when you were married to them are they going to do it now. If your ex-husband didn't respond when you asked him to do something when you were married to them they certainly aren't going to listen to you being divorced from one another.

DeOssha - posted on 05/28/2009

You should confront her...that's your daughter and if you or she needs or wants to speak then it shouldn't be a problem. You have to let them know where you stand with your child. I guess she feels you have her most of the time then when she's with them why should you need to talk to your daughter. You might want to keep a good eye on her...what woman would stop a little girl from contacting her mother!...He shouldn't be leaving your daughter with her to play mommy. She's there to spend quality time with him so wherever he goes he should take his daughter with him unless its work.

Nicole - posted on 05/28/2009

Honestly I think 8 yr old girl doesn't need a cellphone... If it was my daughter I would do whatever made me feel better... She's your child you do whatever makes you feel comfortable....

Jennifer - posted on 05/28/2009

It doesn't matter if she is insecure the bottom is your her mother and if your daughter wants to call home there's no reason why she should stand in the way of that. when my kids are with me or with my ex if they want to call the other parent we allow that to happen. Most of te time it's simple to just say Hi or I love you. what's the real reason why she does not allow your daughter to call home? If you get her a cell will she take it away from her?

Melissa - posted on 05/28/2009

while i agree that your daughter should be able to call when she wants to, i also agree that her time with her father is there time. I do not kno the situation but if he gets her only every other weekend then that should be there time to bond. I to have to deal with an x wife. Do you ever think that maybe she just doesnt want a conflict? for example.... when i have my b/f children, she always wants them to call. Well i let him handle it so i dont have to deal with her as much. She made it to an aweful mess so there is really no way to communicate. Chris and I have my 3 kids daily except every other weekend and then his 2 children come every 3 days. so while i agree to you being able to talk to your child, maybe it is in the best interest if you wait until he is there. confronting her may only make it harder for your daughter depending on how this lady is.

Amanda - posted on 05/28/2009

I believe that you should try to talk to your ex about it first and possibly set up a pre-arranged time for your daughter to call you. Your daughter has every right to call you or her father whenever she needs to. If there still is an issue with the step-mother becoming involved, you could always get her a prepaid cell phone and let her take it with her when she is over there. If there is still an issue after that, I would definetely consider mediation. :)

Rebecca - posted on 05/28/2009

I know it's hard to hear but as a step mom the kids do try to play one household against the other. My step sons are good kids but there are occasions where they will get punished and they do want to call their mom to complain about it. It's hard being a step mom. It's the hardest job I've ever had. I've been their step mom for 8 years and we learned as time went on that the best way of handling situations was to understand that each household has their own rules and what happens at mom's house stay's at mom's house and vice versa. What I've experienced is that the mom doesn't like me being apart of the child's life and it makes it hard for me, as a step mom, to have a relationship with the children. My husband does call the same time every night and that does seem to work. Their mother has started to call twice over long weekends and the boys can call her when they want to. I'd try to keep a good relationship with the step-mom. I'd also talk to her directly about your concerns. I've found that some men don't really handle all of the parenting in their home and the women really do take the brunt of some of the responsibilities. So, both the step-mom and mom have to be able to work with one another on parenting these children. Like it or not she is involved with your child. Try to encourage a healthy relationship between your child and the step parent. I know as a mom I would have a hard time with my child having another mom figure in their life but most of the time step-mom's don't want to take your place we have a different role with the kids. Take care and good luck. I hope I didn't offend you in any way with any of my comments.

Dawn - posted on 05/28/2009

I am sorry for your situation. My advice would be to avoid the stepmother all together. She should not be involved in the conversation. It is a conversation that both you and your ex need to have. I would approach it in a neutral way. The more aggressive you are...the more defensive he will be (which only hurts you and your daughter in the end)

It just pushes him further to defend his current wife.

Make sure that your daughter not witness any of the conversations regarding your feelings about the situation. The more power she realizes she has to effect you and the stepmother....at that age...the more she will test the power she feels.

Does she want to contact you because she REALLY needs too or is she already testing the power she knows she has?

It is such a hard situation. I was a custodial stepmom and although I have wonderful relationships with my stepchildren there were times that they would play both sides of the fence. They were, like your daughter, to young to know what to do with the power they had. They knew that their mom and I didn't have a great relationship. (1st mistake)

They also knew that they could lead either one of us to believe the worst about each other (2nd mistake) We fell for it (3rd mistake)

It makes for a long, hard road.

The best of luck to you and your family as you work toward a peaceful, functional blended family.

Angela - posted on 05/28/2009

Confront her when dad is around and Get the cell phone. If he is not going to make sure that your child is secure in her surroundings when he is not around, then he is not doing his job as a father. I'm speaking as a person with both a step-mother and father.

Laura - posted on 05/28/2009

I did exactly that. I got my daughter a cell phone that my husband and I pay for and she takes with her when she is with her father and step mother. That way no one can tell her who she can and can't call and I feel like I can call her any time I would like to talk to her without having to go through the two of them.

Shelly - posted on 05/28/2009

Okay this an eight yro child and you are only getting her side of the story...Did you ever stop to think that there is something else going on here like her step mom tells her to do something and she's not wanting to and your child is telling her well I'll just call my mom and the step-mom is telling her no your not...If you are taking the word of an eight yro without talking to the other adult in the situation then shame on you...I know that when my sister and I went to our dads for the summer we would cause all kinds of problems with our step-mom(she deserved it) but we were brats to her always telling her that she wasn't our boss and she's not our mom and can't tell us what to do!!!! And no she wouldn't let us call our mom either when we were being brats and not listening to what she told us!!! You need to talk to step-mom and don't do it with a preconcieved idea that she's just being mean to your child there maybe alot more to the story than your child is telling you!!! You need to put your animosoty (sp?) about this women in your pocket and talk to her this should be about your daughter not the step-mom & You. You need to put the childs needs first and part of thoughs needs is to try and get along with step mom!!! NO I'm not saying you need to be friends with her but you do need to keep it friendly if your daughter sees or hears you bashing step-mom it will just cause more problems b/c she will see that she has an opening to drive a bigger wedge in there...You need to be the adult in this and put your pride in your pocket and go talk to her...Good Luck

Donielle - posted on 05/28/2009

1st why is your daughter telling you about that? Why won't see tell her Dad? When she is at her Dad's house you can not control what goes on over their. You should talk to her dad about what she told you. Your daughter is starting something that you can not finish. What happens at her Dad's should stay at her Dad's. What happens at your home should stays at your home. I think your daughter is playing two sides of the fence. You should tell your daughter that she should talk to her Dad about it. Then I would talk to him with out your daughter knowing. That way she can understand that rule. Stop it now before it gets worst.

Victoria - posted on 05/28/2009

AMY,

IHAVE THE SAME PROBLEM WHEN MY DAUGHTER GOES WITH HER DAD THAT HIS WIFE MAKES MY DAUGHTER CHANGE HER CLOTHES SOON AS MY DAUGHTER WALKS IN THE DOOR. SO MY DAUGHTER ASKED ME FOR A CELL PHONE CAUSE SHE HATES IT WHEN THEY WONT LET HER USE THE PHONE TO CALL ME WHEN SHE NOT FEELING WELL.

SO AMY I THINK IT BE A GOOD IDEA FOR YOUR CHILD TO HAVE ONE. JUST TELL HER THE PHONE IS FOR INPORTANT CALLS LIKE CALL YOU. I CALL MY DAUGHTER UP ON HER PHONE AND TELL HER I LOVE HER WHEN SHE THERE SO I DO A CHECK UP CALL. MAKE SURE THINGS ARE OKAY

Lisa - posted on 05/28/2009

The cell phone is a great idea I was going to do the same thing for my daughter both her father and his wife would not let her call me, but thankfully they no longer have anything to do with my daughter which makes her happy. They both have to relize that acting like that will make your daughter not wat to go there as she gets older thats what happened with my daughter. She was about your daughters age at that point now shes 12 and wants nothing to do with her father!

Good luck.....

Jen - posted on 05/28/2009

i would talk to your daughter about it before buying a cell phone

Chris - posted on 05/28/2009

Been there done that...I had to have it put in writing and submitted to court because he wasn't a help at all. When he had the kids, he HAD to let them call me everynite they were with him at 7:30. It went on few some time before I had to do the court thing. Get her a cell phone and a purse she can keep it in. I hate this for you I really do!

Chris - posted on 05/28/2009

Been there done that...I had to have it put in writing and submitted to court because he wasn't a help at all. When he had the kids, he HAD to let them call me everynite they were with him at 7:30. It went on few some time before I had to do the court thing. Get her a cell phone and a purse she can keep it in. I hate this for you I really do!

Maryanne - posted on 05/28/2009

Unfortunately, there are those "step-parents" out there that are very insecure about these situations...ie...when the child wants to come home. My personal opinion is that you should confront the father of the child and let it be known that no matter what that when he has access, your child should in no way, shape, or form be prohibited from contacting you. You should impress the fact that it will only make his and the child's relationship much more secure, if she feels that he understands her need to talk to mom!....as for the step-mother, it only makes you wonder why she does not want the child calling her mom. Is she upsetting the child, and does not want the child to give mom the low down? Or is it simply insecurity that she wants to be the one to comfort the child if she is upset? In any case prohibiting the child from calling mom, is only making the child feel insecure and I can't imagine a visit with the dad and step-mom is going that smoothly, if the child is unhappy. I would tell the dad that you insist if the child needs to talk to you, she most certainly should be allowed!

User - posted on 05/28/2009

I would have another word with the father if nothing is done then the cell phone sounds like a good idea as it is important for your daughter to feel like she can contact you at any time she needs that extra comfort and this way she is not using their phone. The most important thing is that your daughter knows that she can keep in touch with you and i think it will help her settle down more when she is at her dads. I wish they had mobiles when i was younger it would have helped me alot in that situation. Good Luck

Stephanie - posted on 05/28/2009

You could talk to your ex if he will listen that is another matter, but otherwise give you daughter a cell phone and let her ring you when she needs to she is your daughter as well as your ex's. My kids only have contact with their father through a center and my daughter has her own cell phone and when she wants to call me she does. She and her brother see their dad only for three hours every month and even when he had them at his house they called me all the time, of course they dont have a stepmother but they do have a stepfather who is brilliant with them and lets them use the phone when they want to. Good Luck.

Jocelyn - posted on 05/28/2009

You're exhusband's wife shouldn't interfere if ur daughter want's to contact u,it should be between u and ur exhusband.If that doesn't change u should give her a cell phone so u or ur daughter can contact each other anytime.

If she is a nice step mother she should encourage ur daughter to call u whenever she wants.

Amy - posted on 05/27/2009

I am a divorced mother. My childrens father is living with another women. Who cared how insecure she is. She doesn't care about you child. You child is number one. I have had a conversation with his girlfriend in which i have had to tell her to grow up and be an adult. It was not fun but when my ex husband can not be a man then i have to look out for my children. Because of that we do not speak, which is fine. But now my ex understands that he need to handle all the parenting responsiblities with my chidlren. In the end i would have loved for it not to have happended, but i need to be in my chidlrens corner. he is definitely not their know and they realize it. If you daughter is upset by it you could try telling her to talk to daddy herself. She needs to be her own advocate. His wife needs to understand that their relationship is special and there are some things that are just between the two of them.

Yolanda - posted on 05/27/2009

Well, first of all as for daddy establishing rules for your daughter when she visits him, that is okay. For one of those rules to be not to call you not okay. Your daughter should be allowed to call whenever and as often as she wants. Yes he may have a new women in his life and your daughter may have to get accustomed to her being there when she goes to visit her dad but you are still her mother wherever she is. With time your daughter will eventually get used to her, even if she feels that she has to call you when she is over there. A conversation lasts a few minutes her being over there will definitely outweigh that. Besides if she feels she has to call you so many times wouldn't you wonder what in the world is going on when her dad is not around and further more why is it that her dad is not there? If you have joint custody of your daughter with her father or even if he has simple visitations HE should be the one spending the time with her. I see no sense in her going over there for visitations with him if he is not around. If that is the case and he is not around then you really need to reconsider changing those visitation days to days where he is around. I hope this answers your question and I think you should confront her dad on the issue first and warn him if he does not fix the situation then you will have no choice but to confront his new girl about. Best of Luck!

Elisa - posted on 05/27/2009

II say get her a cell phone. Iknow a few moms that have cell phone for thier children that are in simmilar situations. you can alway keep her phone with you when she is with you.

Tracy - posted on 05/27/2009

I would confront her first, try just being upfront and honest but stand firm, there is no judge that would tell her it is alright not to allow your daughter to call you. A cell phone might not be a good idea, for it may in the end be harder for your daughter to have to deal with.

Melissa - posted on 05/27/2009

I have a step daugher whom we have custody. The instant we got custody we didn't hear from her mom for a whole month! Then we all went to court. After that the only time she talked to her was when she saw her. Now we live like 9 hours away from her and she only calls like once in a blue moon. I was like WHAT that's bull s#!t. I would call my babies every single day! I was giving her the benefit of the doubt she was working nights so my step daughter couldnt talk to her because she had school, right? WRONG her mom was fired and STILL didn't call her. My husband and I got her one of those phones that you could only call 4 numbers.

It is your god given right as a mom to talk to her whenever you want. Especially if the husband isn't there!

Damekia - posted on 05/27/2009

I had the same problem. Never confront the wife, it will led to more trouble than what it is worth. I had o eventually talk to the father and get it straight with him. A cell phone, so I thought was the answer, but no. The father is the only person to deal with in this situation. Tell your daughter to call you at a set time. If not allowed, talk, but if that doesn't work, the only other avenue is a court order.

Holly - posted on 05/27/2009

Hello my name is holly and i have a son from a previous ,relationship and the court is involved in mine if you go to court and you ask for a orrder that ,says she is alloud to call u expecalyy when dads not there im sure they will do it ,i have heard it done before ..or if you live close by have him bring her home if she dont want to be left with her ,there must be a reason .I also belives that your daughter should be alloud to call you when ever she may want he nor the step woman should not stop her ,and its her proublm if she cant get over it not your daughter s....good luck ,tell them how you feel

Denise - posted on 05/27/2009

I get what you're saying Cheryl- if the daughter is calling mom every time she's told she can't have candy or can't watch more TV the step-mom may feel undermined.

I would suggest you start by talking to your ex. Be firm that your daughter is to be allowed to call you at any time no matter what, but also let him know that if she's calling you to play you off of each other you will back him up or at least back him up until you know both sides of any given story. If your daughter calls saying "Tell dad I am allowed to eat candy all day & night" or whatever, you need to remind her following dad's rules in dad's house is your rule too. HTH & hope that made sense.

Vicki - posted on 05/27/2009

If you go with a cell for her, then I wouldn't ask the dad to share the cost of the phone because then he might try to claim he has a right to confiscate it as punishment.

Start with a mother/father meeting then add step-mother then add daughter... I am praying for a resolution, for your daughter's safety & security, and your peace of mind.

Tracy - posted on 05/27/2009

wow, you dont want to do something that would upset her step-mom, it may make things worse in the end, but....., i would have a conversation with the father and advise him that you have made the decision to allow your child to get a cell phone being she is going back and forth between homes and that she is allowed to call both mom and dad on the phone if needed, that way she can also call her dad from your house and maybe that will turn it back on him.

Mari - posted on 05/27/2009

Your daughter should be allowed to call you when she wants. If she needs to talk to you she is probably missing you or uncomfortable. You should not hestitate any longer to speak to the step-mother.

Katy - posted on 05/27/2009

Who cares about her insecurities. She sounds very childish. The fact of the matter is that your daughter should always be in communication with you whether she is at a friends house or her dads house. If your daughter is only going to be using a cell phone for when she is at her dad's then I say why take on the bill. This "woman" needs to get a grip, and allow you to speak to your child. As long as you are being respectful of the household and not calling the child to get to dad, then you have every right to communicate with your young child when she is out of your home. Have a simple, non-accusitory conversation with the step mom and put her mind at ease that this is only about your child. Good Luck!

Lillian - posted on 05/27/2009

i think a cell ideal is good, but let the father know if the wife doesn't let her use it maybe he should start seeing your daughter on your terms.

Chi - posted on 05/27/2009

i have witnessed this and it got messier then the original problem. the wife has no right not to allow your daughter to call you but is it because her husband said something, she felt like he should be present so she doesn't have to be the witness in a situation if your daughter is telling you something that she shouldn't, there are so many factors to it. then by getting your daughter a cell phone it makes matters worse cause you may have over stepped her father. in the end, communication is the key so you both can find a middle ground cause it should all be about what's in the best interest of your daughter.

Claire - posted on 05/27/2009

Im a child of divorce have two of my own children and have step children. The best thing to do, I've found, is to not have everything as mums house dads house and totally seperate all work together as a family unit. That way the child never feels uncomfortable wanting to talk to or about either parent. Waht is best for the child is paramount and should be at the fore front of everyones minds. To say that a child ringing their mother isnt helpful when they are trying to build a relationship with this other family is plain stupid. it isnt another family, simply an extention of the family. At no time should a child not be able to ring a parent. If they are ringing to complain they dont want to listen to a step parent then of course you have to explain to them that that isnt optional. If you give the father and the step mother the chance to put your daughter first and they dont then i would get the phone, if they arent putting your daughter first you have every right to try and correct that fact. The main thing is idealy a child shouldnt have to be seperating things into mums house, dads house they should both be homes where the child feels safe and comfortable and able to speak to whom ever they chose.

Claire - posted on 05/27/2009

I think the main problem here is everyone is thinking in terms of, this is your dads family and this your mums. Well I am a child of divorce, have two children of my own and have step children and the best thing you can do is all work as a family. ie there should be no time your daughter cannot call you, her father and so on. I have found if you all work together there can be no playing oneoff against the other, you just have to make sure that the childs best intrest is at the fore front of everyones mind. To say that by ringing your own mother is stopping the development of a relationship with your step mother is plain stupid. If she is to have a relationship with the child it is on the basis that this little girl has a mother and she will want to talk to her. A child should feel comfortable and safe at both houses and able to speak to her parents whenever she wants and if it seems she is ringing just to say my step mum said this and i dont like it then you just have to explain that she has to listen to what is being asked of her in the same way she would for any other adult. However if the step mum still continues to cause problems you need to have it out your daughter comes first not her pathetic insecurities. She has a responsability to your daughter now so she needs to grow up. If she doesnt after she has been given a chance to by all means get her a phone, all you are doing is puting your daughter first if your ex and his wife dont do that then you have every right to do whatever you can to correct it.

Mandie - posted on 05/27/2009

I had a similar problem and my son is also 8. His step-mom and father won't let him call. I tried to resolve it by talking to both of them. It was not successful so I did buy him a prepaid cell phone. It did help. Most of the time he doesn't call - it is just a comfort to know that he has that (makes him feel so much better). They were not too happy at first but both his step-mom and father now like the idea because Alex is more comfortable.

Tyler - posted on 05/27/2009

I do think that you and the dad should sit down and talk in private about what each of you really want because they are important and things you can compromise on. I found with my step daughter that she was very smart at that age and started to play mom, stepmom and dad against eachother, so that she would get what ever she wanted. Sometimes the situation is not perfectly translated by a 8 year old also. They can be good at changing facts or elaborating things too. Remember that your daughter is the one that is being caught in the middle too. Its hard for them to have 2 different households to go between. Each home will have different rules and she will have to respect the rules at each. You and dad may not agree on all, but dont let your daughter know that, it will make things hard for her. So, talk to dad before you jump. Being a stepmom, I dont understand her reason to say she cant call you, except to try to help her herself. Stepmoms can never take your place as a mom, but they want to build a relationship with the child too. It may be hard for you to not talk to her everyday But, perhaps you can try be strong, be confident that your daughter is ok.

Nicole - posted on 05/27/2009

BE CAREFUL, your 8 year old may have an ideal that if she can get the wife in trouble that he will leave her. This child could have some angry toward the stepmom. If that is not the case then do not approach the new wife with anger but speak to the both of them at the same time so that neither can misunderstand what you are asking.

Mo - posted on 05/27/2009

Never mind her being insecure - she's gonna make your daughter insecure by her dhildish actions - just confront her. Your daughter has more right to phone you than her fathers wife has to stop her from phoning!!! Get Assertive with her - it doesn't have to tunr into a huge deal but you need to make a stand!!!

Kristen - posted on 05/27/2009

Amy, I used to have the same problem..My daughter is now 12 and has her on phone but before her step mom refused to let her call me. Sometimes she still fusses at her for callin even on her cell phone. She has to sneak and text me when she gets up in the mornings...I dont understand it and its crazy but I try not to let it bother me. I have learned some people are just CRAZY & insecure....Im here if you need to talk though cause it sounds like both our exes married psycho Bs...lol

Michelle - posted on 05/27/2009

I would get her a firely type cell phone that allowes about 4 different numbers to be entered, and only by the adult... She has every right to talk to you, and if you feel s though you can't talk to the woman about it, then the only real solution would be a cell unfortunetly...

Erin - posted on 05/27/2009

My mom got my neice one of those cells that can only call a few numbers and those number can only call in, that way the bill is controlled, th numbers she has in my moms house, her work, my step dads cell, my cell and my sister cell. Im sure it would make it easyer on you and you daughter in the long ride just be careful that the stop mom doesnt take the cell away when your daughters dad isnt home, if she does you know something is up

Sheryl - posted on 05/27/2009

hi, i been in that situation, as a step parent and i have never denied his kids on calling their mothers, cause i have no right to either, i actually told them to call and keep in touch with her. But all i can say why do you have to buy a cell phone for your daughter/son to call you, try again talking to the father and tell him whats going on, or ask him to go half on the cell phone, so you can keep in contact with your son/daughter. good luck.

Kathleen - posted on 05/27/2009

If you feel there is a need for concern, then there probably is. You being the Mother and feel comfort in her having a cell phone, then buy her one. Everyone that is saying that there are probably rules and your daughter needs to respect those, and that rule being she cant use their phone, then get her a cell phone and make it your rule that she has it and can use it whenever she wants/needs to. I'd also want to know where the Dad is and why she is being left with the step-mother to be watched alone anyway. Go with your gut feeling, it always knows best.