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when to stop being a mum...

Telina - posted on 09/12/2009 ( 1 mom has responded )

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hi all,
seems like the beginning years were easy. now i have a child who is legally an adult but he still has an emotional age of a pubescent, with enough intelligence to defend his reluctance at taking responsibility as an adult. he chips away at the morale of any who try to help him, takes all and gives nothing. at 20, this is way beyond normal young misfit... any ideas how to get through? believe me, i have been fighting for this kid through thick and thin since he first presented as a 'difficult' child at the age of 3. now that he's been independent of me for the last couple of years he has slipped further and further from mainstream life. now in a camping ground supported by welfare. he actually seems to be fighting to stay dysfunctional. ....he has a sibling who is functioning normally.
any ideas?

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Rosemary - posted on 09/18/2009

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You will always be his Mum!

But that doesn't mean you have to be responsible for the way he chooses to live his life. "Mainstream" life is not perfect. Sometimes the ways most of us find better/ normal/ more comfortable actually have less sense of belonging than some of the "failure" ways.

Why does he need to fight to stay dysfunctional? That's really two questions: why does he desire to live that way, and why does that mean he has to fight/ whom does he have to fight?

You say he has been independant tor some time, so let him be himself. Just keep some sort of communication going, whatever feels right so that you know where each other are but are not getting into control struggles. Then he can be free to come to you if he changes his mind about how he wants to live, if he wants some guidance and moral support to try something new. Or if he just wants to spend some time with you. And he can know he is still your son and you still care.

As for you, you are allowed to put down the burden of his day to day life for now, just keeping a place in your heart for him: now you can listen to your own dreams and plans. It is challenging to be a grown-up mother, but exciting, too!

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