who is right?

Zory - posted on 07/12/2012

Chiquita, if you get to see my note first I want to wish you all the best, God bless you my dear. It is hard to let you baby go out of your arms. It's simply hard. Some people are very comfortable letting their baby go for a day or days .... to grandmas house so mommy can rest, but for me it was hard. I never let my baby sleep any other place than her/his own bed in my house. And yes I was tired to dead, but thanks God, it didn't become an issue. I don't think there is wrong or wright, it is just a mom's feelings. Every one is different. In your case, you are just being a mom going through difficult times. A mom that needs to make adjustments in her life and needs legal advice. If dad is a decent man (no alcoholic, no smoker, responsible to some point and you see that he really cares for your baby) give him a chance. The connection between you and him as a man and woman is gone/broken, but you always be related/connected as a mom and dad because of that baby. Seek for spiritual guidance and legal advice, don't let negative feelings drive your decisions. Surround your self by good people, people who'll bring good karma, positive energy, good spirit to your life and peace to your mind.

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

Thanx krystal for understanding!!

Krystal - posted on 07/12/2012

I totally agree with you I wouldn't let my 16 mth old be out of state without me. I would sta d ur ground on that I think also in most states the child has to be 24 mths before they can put overnight stay I would definitly check I to that. Good luck

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

@mommy a. I've looked at it from his side now try mine. What if he takes my son out of the state and doesn't return him.. what if there is an emergency and cnt reach him..theydnt want me 2 know where they live(his wife).what if my son is not ease because he knows no one..forge his sidelook at my sons side. Yes he needs 2 know his father but his father has to put forth the effort to for a bond with him and if he wants to get a room and keep him overnight n my state thts fine but until there is an order in place there will be no overnight stays out of state

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

@stephanie thanx that's all I want is for my son to be at ease and not go across state lines without a court order. Not askng to much I dnt think

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

Thanx eboni

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

@ megan I live in ga.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 07/12/2012

Chequita, what State do you live in?

Amber - posted on 07/12/2012

You are very smart to get a court order on visitation. Have you filed for child support? I live in Oklahoma here visitation can be set-up at the same time as child support and they can help you with that. Also here custody is assumed to be for the parent that is receiving child support if the parents were never married.
Personally I would not let him leave the state without a court order. I would make sure that it is in the paperwork that you know where your son is staying with at all times. That no person with a criminal background be allowed around the child. You can even have it put in the papers that romantic interests not be allowed around you child until there has been a set amount of time that the parties have been together.
Good Luck

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

I think you should get a court order before he goes across state lines. It sucks for him that this means he may not get to do overnights for awhile but that in my opinion is what I safest for your son and for him to continue to stay with you. Lots of children are kidnapped by their own parents. He may not be planning anything like that at all, but noone who allows someone to take their child ever thinks that will happen, but it does. I do agree with finding a halfway point in either state and allowing time together, supervised until a court order is in place. Maybe I'm missing the point, but they need to establish a bond, yes, but it also needs to be established under guidelines that will protect you, if heaven forbid, your ex tries to take him. Good luck!

Katlin - posted on 07/12/2012

chaquita I know exactly how u feel and in the same situation and don't know what to do. his dad doesn't live that far but has a new baby with another gurl. so its very unconfortable. people can say im selfish, but I don't agree.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 07/12/2012

Ronda thanks.

Ok here's something else depending on income you can have it written into your visitation that there is either a midway point or one person has to make the drive. When my ex lived at Ft Drum and I was in Rochester I was unemployed or working temp jobs and he was in the military so per our visitation agreement my ex had to drive 3hrs to pick up our daughter for the weekend. When he was statione in TX he was supposed to come up to NY and visit with our daughter (he only did it once) and when he lived in GA and I was still in NY he had to come up and get our daughter to take her for 2 weeks. He had agreed to these terms because my job doesn't allow me to make spur of the moment drives to certain areas. He has a dual income I only had myself when I lived in NY so he was required by the court to do the driving and give me at least 3 weeks notice when he would visit. Needless to say he never came to BC last year and he hasn't called since Christmas.

IF you can't afford to make a trip then your lawyer should let the judge know when you 2 finally go to court. If you can afford it, offer to find a midway point. It's not selfish if your bank account won't allow an 8hr drive every weekend.

Roxanne - posted on 07/12/2012

Why are you bothered with your exs wishes in the first place? He doens't want to see the child so let it be, find a good sitter and move on. and on the day the man wants to change that because he met a women who has kids and figures it's now convenient to have a child you can tell him get a laywer or take a hike.

At this point it's his game to play, you get to watch take notes and when the time comes, crush him with his stupidity.

Savy?

Jenna - posted on 07/12/2012

I saw my sister go through the same thing with my nephew... eventually you have to stop arguing and just focus on your son. It is so sad that the father isn't willing to meet you half way, but if you're not comfortable, you shouldn't do it nor should you feel guilty about not doing it his way.

Nicole - posted on 07/12/2012

To kids u have to start somewhere !!!! AND I have made the drive the times tht he did see him was because I made the drive

Tracey - posted on 07/12/2012

I wouldn't be comfortable with your situation either and you know the character of your son's father, especially if he's not been around enough to build a good bond with his/your son. I'd be really concerned about my son crossing state lines and questioning if his father was planning to file custody in his state after the his son was with him. I do agree that you have to address this issue and not demand it be "all your way or no visits", unless your ready to take him to court now to try getting sole custody. Which could very well end up with his father getting to take his son to his state for overnight visits anyway, but it will be court ordered then and alot of your freedom in working an arrangement out that you like with the father will be gone. Try to work this out with the father 1st. The other suggestions of meeting dad halfway for relationship building visits is a very good one. It shows the father you are willing to work with him and you get to see how he interacts with his son. And as long as he is not physically abusive, neglectful,or on drugs or drunk at the visit then give him a chance to be a father. I also agree that you taking your son to the father's house for visits so your son can get comfortable with dad's home and feel safe with you with him before overnights begin is best for your son. You aren't going to get everything your way with this situation but you can do things to relieve your fears for your son being out of your care overnight or a weekend. Good luck.

Erin - posted on 07/12/2012

Hi Everyone,

I did not post those previous comments. Somehow somebody else was posting as me. I don't know what happened, but it wasn't me. Chequita, I'm sorry about that. I hope everyone is having a great day!

Ronda - posted on 07/12/2012

If it's 2 hrs travel time there and back, and you expect him to do that for a few hours every couple of days, then I believe he is right, not you. I think you have a control issues here. You want to control the child all of the time, and with two parents who do not live together, that is wrong, and your son is losing. Go to court, get a custody order. A child is not a pawn, and as much as you'd like to think so, he does not belong to you. We are Stewards in raising our children, not jailers, Letting go hurts, but it is more loving than control. I do agree with the girl who posted about your ex seeing your son where you are the first few times, but after that, if there is no abuse, neglect, or substance abuse issues, then you just don't really have a reason to insist he see his son without taking him overnight.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 07/12/2012

Erin is it really necessary to tell another mom that she may lose custody over not allowing her ex to see the child BEFORE a custody order is in place? By the way that isn't true- she'd have to do a lot more than be a small obstacle in the relationship between her son and his father before the court would make that ruling. Have you even been involved in a custody and visitation hearing? Because I have and I have full custody of my 7 year old daughter and sole guardianship. I was even granted permission by the county court in my home county to move from upstate NY to British Columbia while the father still lives in GA.

Furthermore if there isn't a court order in place the father can legally take their son across state lines and not be forced to return the child to the OP because he is the biological parent. It happened to my friend's brother because he and his ex girlfriend didn't have custody written up for their daughter and she took their daughter from Alberta to British Columbia and never brought her back so now they're in court. I risked a lot allowing my daughter to visit her father back when we all lived in New York because he lived 3hrs from me and we only had the TX divorce and custody in place and it had no jurisdiction in NY over our daughter because she was born in NY and had always lived in NY.

Chequita, I do recommend that you do supervise visits to allow your son's father to introduce himself to him and try to form a bond because the child's feelings of security are the most important. If you're able to do so meet him half way. It will only help you in the long run. I also recommend keeping track of everything you try to do to foster the relationship between your son and his father. I've been divorced since 2005 and have had sole custody since 2007 and I still document everything just in case my ex wants to take me to court again. It helped me back in 2010/2011 when I was trying to move to BC from NY.

I wish you luck and the courage to try and meet your son's father halfway because it will help you out in the end.

Eboni - posted on 07/12/2012

I have read many (not all) of the replies and am shocked at most of the responses. I am not a "young" mother but I can tell you this: I KNOW that you are acting in the best interest of your son! Even if the father was paying child support, it is PERFECTLY REASONABLE to want your son to know and be at ease with his father BEFORE they go away together overnight! Men don't take to well to crying/agitated children and that is EXACTLY what is going to happen if he has your son overnight before your son is ready! He may cry the ENTIRE 2 hours that it takes to reach the father's home and be even more upset to not be sleeping in his bed or not seeng signs of familiarity! If that happens then I can guarantee that your son will NOT willingly go the next time his father comes to town! I have witnessed how vindictive and manipulative some mothers can be when they are no longer involved with the father but that is not your case! I hear your heart and I applaud you! I have never responded to any of the questions that are posed on this website but yours really moved me! You have done nothing wrong to solicit advice on here but, in the end, YOU are responsible for your son's well-being! There were some good ideas thrown out (like maybe both of you driving an hour to a mutual locaton) but stick with your instinct to allow overnights ONLY when you see the bond between the two of them growing! You are NOT being childish or unfair to your son's father! Wishing you nothing but peace and blessings in your situation! :-)

Mommy - posted on 07/12/2012

Just looking at it from his side, as I am married to a man who has custody disputes with his ex all the time, he may not be able to come and stay in your state for the visit. If he isn't allowed to take your son to his house, and he lives 2 hours away, where is he going to take him? You can't just make a toddler sit in a car all day, or drag him all around town. And I don't know if you are offering your home as a place to visit, but maybe this makes him uncomfortable. If he is responsible and not a danger to your son, I don't see why he can't take him for visits to his home. The main reason you gave is that your son does not spend enough time with him and doesn't know him well, but that will never change if you don't allow visits.

Kim - posted on 07/12/2012

Ok what is this really about? i have read all your post and all of the other ladies' post 9some which are totally uncalled for) no need to make judgements about someone you don't know... Anyway does he have a new girl you don't want your baby around? i ask because you said he's around strangers... who are the strangers. you also mention about it wasn't a problem when you were seeing each other... sounds a little bitter but or at least that maybe there are still some very raw emotions here. To your case, the child DOES need to know him first before he spends the night with anyone. And having sex to create a baby doesnt mean you or your baby know the man, i get that. you wouldn't send your baby off to spend the night with any other ex-boyfriend you had sex with. Anyway, you should be reasonable enough to drive the 2 hours to introduce your baby to his father. Let's call it baby steps: 1st mommy and baby visit with daddy, 2nd baby goes off to store or outing with daddy without mommy, 3rd, daddy takes baby all day no mommy, 4th daddy takes baby 1 overnight no mommy, 5th ... you get the point
This plan is not unreasonable as this is what we all do wether you are married or not, baby has to build a relationship with the people around otherwise they can get the feeling of abandonment from mom. my husband even said well we do this with childcare.. this is why childcare centers set up introductory days or ask you to come in and introduce baby before you leave them alone with a stranger, this is why moms linger to watch how baby reacts before we leave. your feelings are valid you just need to be willing to meet the father at minimum half way to start the process. I also Do recommend going to court for visitation, in court they will also do this introduction period if you explain the baby has never even seen his father.

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

Everyone seems 2 be missing the point we don't have a court order he doesn't have a relationship with his by his own choosing by not coming to spend time with him not because I'm preventing it. I just saidno overnights until they r better aquainted and I didn't say he couldnever get the boy overnight but I'm getting a court order b4 he lives the state wit my son

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

I'm not preventing any type of relationship they all know where he is and can come get himanytime they choose but I'm not letting him live the state without a court order period which I will go to court 4. He is preventing his own self from a relationship by not coming to get him whenever he can not when I say he can.

Jill - posted on 07/12/2012

You should have a custody agreement through the courts, but I'm not sure it would work out the way you think it should.

Although he is in another state, a 2 hour distance isn't abnormally far. It would not be unusual for his father to be granted overnight visitation if he is not unfit in some way. If your ex takes you to court, you're going to look like you're preventing a relationship.

You haven't said anything against him, other than he wants his own way. You're being the same way though. The two of you need to work together for you son's best interest. You're not doing that right now. You're concerned about him being around strangers, but fail to realize that you're the one preventing him from becoming acquainted with the people in your ex's life. The only way for you kid to get to know them is if you let him go.

I'm looking at this from your shoes, and they pinch. Take off your shoes and get a bigger size

Dove - posted on 07/12/2012

I've been there. You NEED to go to court. It's the only way to protect your son. If he ever does decide to take you up on your 'offer' and come see his son there and then decides to take off with him.... What are you going to do then?

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

Thanx everyone 4 ur opinions but u can never understand my situation unless u were me u r only on the outside looking in reading a few lines of a passage and not really knowing all the details all of ur comments will certainly be taken into consideration as I asked 4 ur advice anyway and thanx 2 u all 4 chiming in.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 07/12/2012

I agree with Dove that you should go to court and get this settled over custody and visitation- that's the only way to guarantee that your son will be returned to you.

Trust me I've been there- my older daughter's father will only do things if it benefits him and therefore has no relationship with his child because of selfish choices he made.

Danielle - posted on 07/12/2012

the only thing i can say is unless he is not fit to be a father ie not knowing how to care for a child not being able to care for him. then you need to let him go. if he lived a few miles from you he would have probable had him several overnights by now, if it makes you feel better talk to him see if you can drive him there and see where your son will be then go stay at a hotel. then next time he wantes him over night he can pick him up and go, as long as you have a address and his cell phone number incase of emergency he should be given the option to know his son.
you said you dont gt along well together, well you better start getting along you have a child together so you will always be connected if you want to or not, just both of you put all your anger towards each other aside and be adults about it, because if you dont and one of you takes the other to court there is no more working it out the court decided what is best for your son not you. obviously you both love him so put him first, worst case is he goes with dad a few nights and he crys once in a while dad will be there to comfort him if he needs to he can always call you and you can talk to him but it will be ok

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

Not really sally grands didn't approve of the relationship anyway they dnt even call to check on him.

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

@jana thanx I'm not trying to be unreasonable afterall mking the 2hour trip to see me when were seeing each other was never an issue and I mean never he even caught the bus here once cuz he didn't have a ride. But I tried gave him every offer I could think of eventhough I dnt like him. I suggested my home he said no meet me said no..he only wants to get him overnight and thts it no comprimisin overnight or he chooses not to at all. I cnt work with tht. He has to wrk with me as well so I told him no overnights until my son is familiar with him as I know how he gets around strangers which I didn't mention by the way.

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

Brooke as I stated earlier tht is a concern of mine because at the end of the day there is no order he doesn't have to bring him bk. Thanx 4 understanding

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

@dove thanx that's all I asked him 4 was a few day visits b4 overnights .I'm not trying to keep my son away I just want to ensure tht he is safe and comfortable

Chequita - posted on 07/12/2012

Thanx alana tht is one of my concerns which is y I want him to come here when he can for visits..

Sally - posted on 07/12/2012

My son has 3 children and because his 2 ex girl friends don't want to be with him he does'nt get to see his kids on a daily bases , so please don't forget he is the father and how would you like to be the one who doesn't see your chlid. Im sure he has Grand Parents also that are missing out too so remember has has other family so let them see him too they love your son even though you are not with their Son.

Alana - posted on 07/11/2012

Do not do anything without a court order my husband took off with our two year old twins out of state and legally it gets really bad. It worked out but ge could keep your child and you would have to fight in court.

Laura - posted on 07/11/2012

get legal advice

Elizabeth - posted on 07/11/2012

Unless he has given you a reason not to trust him. And you feel your child would be in danger then I could understand. But basing on him seeing his child because he would be with a bunch of strangers is not a reason not to let him see him. You have to think about the baby. You also have to think about how your child is going to feel when he grows up. You don't want him to blame you for not knowing his father. You want him knowing that you did everything possible to let him. And the two of ya'll need to come to an agreement because your just hurting the child, not each other. And take it from someone who knows. That child knows. I thought my child was to young to realize till one of the times his dad decided to show up for a rare visit. I didn't have to agree to let him see him. But I did because he was still their father. I gave him every chance. That one year old baby sang the whole way "I got a daddy, I got a daddy". That baby knows.

Dove - posted on 07/11/2012

The best thing to do is to go to court and get a court order for custody and visitation. I understand what you are saying here... you HAVE driven your son to his father and the father is not willing to reciprocate. That definitely stinks.

If you have a court order then your son will likely start overnights with his father, but would most likely have to have a few day visits FIRST... and you will both probably be responsible for transportation. Meeting halfway for the day visits and then you driving for overnight drop off and him driving your son back.

It definitely sucks at first, but your son deserves a father.

Talk to a lawyer or set up an appointment with your ex and a mediator. The two of you need to learn how to communicate since you'll be stuck with each other for the next 17 or so years. Good luck!

Brooke - posted on 07/11/2012

I would not let him because he could keep him unless you have gone to court I wouldn't even think about it ! Unless you get something in writing and have it notarized that way if he does keep the baby you have some sort of legal document to fall back on

Janna - posted on 07/11/2012

I can see that a lot of people want to say that you, Chequita, are wrong for denying him overnights. I, personally, do not feel that you are being unreasonable-- to a POINT. The child does not know him, however, some are correct in the fact that you should both try to come to a compromise. Someone made a suggestion of meeting halfway, which isn't a bad place to start. Meeting in a public place with the father could help ensure better "behavior" on both of the parents' parts.
I also agree that a custody/visitation order should be put into place. I don't know what state would tell you to file online- it sounds as though someone there just didn't want to do their job that day. I know how frustrating going through the courts can be.

I have a 4 year old, almost 5 year old, son whose father hasn't seen him since December of 2009. Later on, in February of 2010, he told me that he would not be able to come over for visitation until April of the same year. When April came, I wrote him an email, because he REFUSED to give me a current phone number- even though that is in our court order- and he wrote back and told me to leave him alone. He wasn't going to come over for his visitation. Okay- his choice.
TWO hours is NOT far... My son's father lives an hour away, and is in the same state and STILL refuses to come see his child and he even has court ordered visitation. I also have a 1 year old daughter whose father is SEVEN hours away. He comes to see her when he can afford it. Does it make me a bad mother because I can't drive across TWO state lines to take her to her father? Does it make me horrible for not allowing my 18 month old to spend a few days with her dad? I don't think so and neither does he. He won't allow her to stay overnight because he knows that she isn't familiar there and he admits he doesn't know her like he should.
His father was verbally abusive, threatened to kidnap our son since I was 2 WEEKS PREGNANT and then stalked me. I filed harassment charges on him and he was sentenced to 25 hours of community service. Since then, he has written 2 letters and has sent 2 cards ... That is all. He is over $6,200 in arrears in child support.

I think that in your case, overnights are probably not the best option- YET. He should get to know his child and the child should get to know his father. If neither one of you are willing to compromise- then someone needs to file for custody and let the courts figure it out.
The needs of the child WILL outweigh the needs of the parents if it goes to court. The judge doesn't care about your quarrels and about who's right and who's wrong. The judge is going to tell you to grow up and learn to at least be civil to each other. A judge can also order that the child go across state lines for visitation even though the child does NOT know him well.

In some instances, taking a minor across state lines could be considered kidnapping.

I wish you the best of luck. It is rough, and it is frustrating. You need to do what is best for your son. It is not about who is right. I don't think that either one of you are right. There are ways of him getting to know his child where both of you can be comfortable with ... and be civil to each other for the sake of your child.

Michelle - posted on 07/11/2012

Chequita I totally understand what you are saying but I am going to give you a little bit of advise, if your childs father decides to take you to court to get access to his son and he can prove that you have been witholding access by being unreasonable the court may decide to give custody to the father so that they can create the bond that you are not allowing right now. I totally understand the not wanting the extended overnights but start with a single overnight and go from there. He is this childs father whether you can get along with him or not and your son deserves the opportunity to meet and know his father without you around in his fathers environment this is your childs right not his fathers right or your right but your childs right. My son has been going back and forth to his dads since he was 11 months old, he didn't know his dad from adam yet he still went and yes it was hard but in the long run my son is better off for having such a loving father who wants to be in his life. If you keep pushing dad may just give up and then one day your son is going to find out that you were the cause and he will resent you.

Chequita - posted on 07/11/2012

Thanx to all 4 the advice but I am going to do what I feel is best 4 my son when his dad decides to come here and get more aquainted with our son then he can get him overnight until then he is more than welcome to come here meet me or whatever to get his son..some won't even do tht but I am allowing them the oppurtunity to get to know each other.

Lacye - posted on 07/11/2012

How exactly did they not work? You and this guy aren't married. The court system can't tell you "Oh we aren't going to do anything". That's not how it works. Where exactly do you live?

Chequita - posted on 07/11/2012

He doesn't want to come to my place I already made tht suggestion didn't work and the point of him coming here is so tht he gets to know him and then tk him wit him but he doesn't want tht but like I said b4 everything will work itself out eventually . P.s. my attempts to go thru the courts didn't work either.

Lacye - posted on 07/11/2012

You were comfortable enough to have sex with this man. If you don't know where he lives but you drove up to see him, where did you meet him at if not at his house? It doesn't make sense.

You asked for advice and when it's given to you, you make excuses why you can't do that. What exactly do you want? To feel better about not allowing your child to see his father? I'm sorry but what you are doing is wrong. That's just how I feel.

Chequita - posted on 07/11/2012

Everyone is missing the point which is:get to know each other before taking a baby 2 hours away to a strange envirnment where even I dnt know where he will be and I'm not comfortable with it

Lacye - posted on 07/11/2012

The man is a stranger because you won't allow his father to get to know him. You are making excuses. That's all it is. If the two of you can't compromise, take him to court and allow them to settle it. Can't afford to get a lawyer, get legal aid. don't want to do that, go do it yourself. It is not fair to the child to not know his father because both of you want to be childish.

Shawnn - posted on 07/11/2012

And, yes, YOU have to start somewhere. U can't do anything, it's just a letter, but YOU are a person, who is capable of making rational decisions...Or you should be, if you have a child.



you are not willing to compromise, nor are you willing to bend. You keep saying "how is it good for the kid if he doesn't know anyone, but HOW CAN HE KNOW ANYONE IF YOU WON'T ALLOW CONTACT.



you won't allow his father to come to your place, because "we don't speak". You won't meet him halfway, because again "you don't speak"



Its time to get a mediator and let your child get to know his father. You thought enough of the man to sleep with him, and have a child with him...now let him be a father, rather than a means of financial support

Chequita - posted on 07/11/2012

I have made the drive the times tht he did see him was because I made the drive