WHY??

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2009

You can private message me any time Leasa.



{{{ hugs }}}

Carmen - posted on 07/31/2009

It will be fine! I went through it and you have to learn to ignore it not become part of the problem. He loves you he just doesn’t know how to communicate in a more civil way, yet. Be patient and listen and calmly answer his rage! It’s his way of destressing

Leasa - posted on 07/31/2009

Well, I do wear my feelings on my sleeve... And sharon isn't the only one who can bite her tongue during PMS, I'm the same way.... I do have a " pair ", If I'm having issues or turning into a ball of emotional mush, I deal with it, its not anybody else's problem for me to be taking it out on the one's I love and hurting them. Sharon, thank you the web site was helpful...

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2009

Its abuse. Whether its because he is mentally ill or not.



Seriously Callie - you should look into this stuff. Just because it doesn't apply to you doesn't mean it can't apply to someone elses' life.



I wasn't saying YOU specifically. You just want to fight. have a good day, none of my comments from here out will be directed to you as we evidently don't see eye to eye.

Callie - posted on 07/31/2009

And I have a question for you Leasa could he be bi-polar? Just a logiacal question that could explain alot. Maybe it's him that needs the help!

Shannon - posted on 07/31/2009

I really don't like to get in the middle of debates on here, but I just have to say that abuse is much more than being called horrible names and being physically beaten. I think it's great that some of you with a strong opinion are in such a secure and healthy relationship that you have never experienced the MANY kinds of abuse that really do exist. Why does everything have to be so tangible to be believable? Just because you can't see it, it does not mean it does not exist! Just because you don't have a black eye, it does not prove you are not being abused. If any person intentionally does anything to hurt you, THAT IS ABUSE, whether it is physical, emotional, verbal, or mental. Yes, I totally agree that people need to stand up for themselves, and I certainly would tell my husband exactly how I felt about the situation. If this is a problem that is accentuated by extreme stress, I would probably be more apt to forgive. However, if the man flies off the handle because you forgot to put away the dishes, then you both need counseling if there is any chance of saving your marriage. If you let the problem persist, you are basically encouraging him to continue this behavior. It's no different than letting your dog chew up the trash- if the dog is never reprimanded, the dog will continue to eat your trash! Good luck, and I hope your dog is not too old to learn new tricks. (If I offended anyone, I apologize. We are all adults, and I do not believe we should be attacking other people. This site is supposed to help, not hurt.)

Callie - posted on 07/31/2009

So not a verbal whipping post of anyone. And uhhhh so don't go and tell me to educcate myself. I've been through way more then I think you realize I was just standing up for myself and helping her to learn to do the same. Without telling her it's abuse it's abuse! And you're so right we are allllllllllll brought up different!

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2009

I didn't say YOU were belittling your children. It was an example. Good lord.



Abuse comes in a lot of forms. Not all women were designed or brought up to be the verbal whipping post of someone else. They need help in understanding what is to be tolerated and what isn't. You said you tell your husband off when he gets snippy with you. SHE has been taking it. She didn't know what she should be doing in these instances.



HERE - educate yourself a little - http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu...

Callie - posted on 07/31/2009

First off sweetie I never said I belittled my children! Second off you put the idea into this lady's head that she is being abused. I am a strong person just like most mothers should be. Grow a pair and stand up for yourself. Don't wear your feelings on your shoulders like my Mama says.



And for your FYI you must be superwoman and the only woman on the face of the earth who "bits your tongue" during PMS.

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2009

Belittling someone is ABUSE. Putting them down by making them feel inadequate is abusive.



YOU may be a stronger person and know better but this lady didn't. She was left feeling hurt and isolated because of what he was saying and doing. THAT is abusive. When you love someone you don't do that. If you were doing that to your kids - everyone would be on your ass chewing you out. If you can't do it to a child - what makes someone think its ok to do to an adult?



And FYI - when I'm cranky with PMS - I bite my tongue and check my watch 72 more hours of living hell and I'll be normal. I DO NOT belittle my children or my husband.

Callie - posted on 07/31/2009

My husband does the exact same and no it's no abuse. SShheess! Sometimes men have issues telling us what is eating at them, just like when we've had a bad day we turn into an"emotional ball of mush"! No you don't have to put up with it because I, just like Abigail, am quick to tell him to f off. And when I do he stops and looks back at the situation and thinks about. I've been through hell and back with my man and in case anyone hasn't notice they PMS just like we do. So don't go and tell someone they are being abused when you are not a part of the situation. I read one post not from here not another one where someone's husband chunked a beer at her....that's abuse. Unless he is beating the hell outta you and calling you horrible names and stuff like that, then it's abuse!

Abigail - posted on 07/31/2009

When my husband gets an attitude I have no issue telling him where he can shove it.

Just leave the room, go for a walk and let him sort out his own issues, don't try to shoulder his problems.

Amy - posted on 07/31/2009

Eh, we do the same to our Husbands, you always hurt the ones you love, because you assume they will always be there. Most of the time they don't recognize they are doing it, as I'm sure, right now your thinking "I have never taken anything out on him"...but you have, you just didn't recognize it and he didn't bring it up. If it is abusive you do need to remove yourself from the situation, but if it's normal, grouchy "I'm having a bad day, so you should too" try telling him to try to talk to you when he can remove his head from his butt...works for me...LOL

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2009

You're welcome hun. I fought the same thing you are fighting for YEARS. Feeling like it was my responsibility to "help" him. LOL yeah about that. It was hard to tell him "I'm not hearing that" and leaving. He didn't get it at first either. He thought when I left I was leaving him. When I came back - he was nardy about it. I ignored his pissy little comments and did what I needed to for me & the kids. We're all happier for it.

Leasa - posted on 07/31/2009

No name calling, but yes about the expectations... I really needed to hear that sharon thank you!!! I feel alone sometimes and in a way that it is my problem to fix, Hearing the input really puts its in perspective and gives me enouragement and support. Thanks

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2009

Its sounding more and more like it is abuse. Even if he is venting - it shouldn't be so horrible that you feel saddened and disturbed by it!



Does he call you names? Does he put ridiculous expectations on you?



IF what someone is doing makes you feel bad - get away. Its not up to you to fix his temper. He's a grown man able to control himself. We all need to vent but not at the emotional expense of the people we love!

Leasa - posted on 07/31/2009

Hi everyone, My son has been so sick... He has been home from school for over a week with the flu. Sorry it took so long.... Thank you guys so much for all the input! I don't take it as venting at all, he doesn't know how to or maybe he does know how and chooses not to talk about the real issue that is bothering him????... He takes the problems of the day out on me. Its very hurtful and fusturating... I have no idea how to handle it, I've tried talking to him about it... Am I just suppost to leave him alone when he gets that way? Then it feels like I'm just walking away and telling him its ok to get that way with me? Am I wrong?? After hearing everyones input, it really made me start to think, Is that a form of abuse??

Amy - posted on 07/29/2009

I took anger management counseling classes....the most common thing is to take our anger out on the ones we love the most. You hit the nail on the head when you said, "he is just comfortable with you and feels like he can vent to you". Why we do it? Who knows. We fear venting to strangers or at work, or wherever we are that makes us angry, so we save it until we get home and around the people we are closest to. I call it the bathroom door effect. In public you lock the bathroom door, but at home you rarely close it. He is not taking anything out on you, he just does not have any other outsource. I would seek a counseling group for him. Not like a shrink, more like AA. Look at your community outreach services. They will have weekly group meetings....they will be a group of people sitting around together venting. Plus he will get some helpful tools on how to talk to you without being angry.

Sharon - posted on 07/29/2009

Well I suppose we'll get clarification if she ever posts back.

Aubree - posted on 07/29/2009

You're Welcome Shay. Sharon I don't know about everyone else but I have never taken anything from my husband no have I let him sit and yell at me because he had a bad day. If he doesn't know how to speak to the mother of his child then he knows not to speak to me at all. If your day sucked then I think you should be able to go to someone and talk about it, some people just need to learn how to go about it in a positive way.

Jodi - posted on 07/29/2009

I took it the same way as Sharon.....my view of venting is allowing them to talk about their issues without raising their voice as opposed to picking on little things you do because there is a bigger issue they can't talk about. I personally thought that the latter is what the OP was experiencing - that is taking something out on someone. Venting is a whole different thing.

Sharon - posted on 07/29/2009

LOL you need back up on an opinion? And um please don't project your issues on to me. I wasn't upset or "in an uproar. But I'm amazed at what you women take from your "men". If my husband wants to vent he can do so in a civilised manner or take a go out into the desert and blow up targets until he feels better. he is NOT going to sit here and yell at me because he had a bad day.

Shay - posted on 07/29/2009

Ok Sharon......She never said he was being ABUSIVE. I took it that he was "venting", so calm down and don't get yourself in an uproar. And thanks Aubree for the back up!!!

Jodi - posted on 07/29/2009

I did much the same as Sharon. At first, I used to listen to it, and then argue back. I've actually learned that all he needed was sonewhere to vent. I won't listen to it when he gets like that. I can't say how many times I have said to him "I understand you are stressed, but it is not okay for you to speak like this or take it out on me." (I do this very calmly even though I am seething about it). When I first started doing this, he used to get angry, so I'd just make myself scarce (either go for a drive, I even resorted to staying at a hotel one night to stay away from it).





He did get the message. He now tells me very calmly when he is distressed, and I am then able to just leave him alone (i.e. not stress him with kid issues, not tell him how MY day may have been crappy too) until he is able to talk to me about it, as opposed to taking it out on me.





It took time though. You need to hang in there, let him know you love him and his stress concerns you, but learn to talk about it instead of acting it out. This may take a lot of patience on your part.





And no, you are not dumb for dealing with them, I still "deal" with them, I just handle it differently so they are not taken out on me.

Sharon - posted on 07/29/2009

HHMMM I took her phrasing more as abusive verbal bashing than simple venting.

Aubree - posted on 07/29/2009

You're right its not normal for someone to be abusive to someone else but no one is saying that being abusive is normal. Someone venting is normal, and from the way Leasa has explained it he seems to be venting, BUT if he is being abusive then you are correct she should remove herself from the situation until he comes to his senses. No one should have to put up with someone elses BS,spouse or not.

Sharon - posted on 07/29/2009

OMG it is not normal for one person to take their frustrations and bad temper out on another person!



Other people are NOT your whipping posts. They have feelings too. We're not talking about simple venting here. That is what other people are for. I vent to my husband all the time, but I don't abuse him verbally because someone cut me off in traffic.



She didn't say he was venting, she said he "takes his problems out on me" thats not venting. Thats abuse.

Shay - posted on 07/29/2009

Thats normal!!! I have learned to not take it personal. he is just comfortable with you and feels like he can vent to you. Good luck!

Aubree - posted on 07/29/2009

I actually do the same thing that your husband is doing to you, to my husband. I do it because I know my husband loves me and he wont run away from my problems or judge me for being upset. You could try sitting down with him and telling him that his outbursts are effecting you. He might explain why he's been having mood swings or what he's feeling. Just as long as he isn't being hurtful or harmful to you, the talk should really help. I hope things get better for you.

Sharon - posted on 07/29/2009

um yes. And kind of gullible. I don't know why we women are geared this way. We just keep trying to 'bear up' and "help". Life changed around here when I told my husband OFF. Probably a couple of years after we became a couple.



I don't know whats going on or what he's doing but if what HE says and does makes YOU feel bad. Leave...... Not leave him, not necessarily. Just leave the situation.



"Honey, I love you, but I don't deserve this. I'll be back when you've calmed down." Go get a latte and try to read the paper or a book.



{{{ hugs }}}