why are fathers so selfish with time when it comes to family?

Cee - posted on 12/16/2008 ( 46 moms have responded )

2

0

0

why are fathers so selfish with time when it comes to family?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Casandra - posted on 01/06/2009

10

12

0

I agree with it all falls on comunication maybe try sitting down with your man after the kids go to bed one night and trying to figure out more of a "plan" that will work for btoh of you. I'm not totaly there yet i'm still pregnant but my partner is all ready helping out lots around the house (i'm at 4months high risk pregnancy) If he cooks supper i clean up. . .kinda thing and it gives you way more down time at night for everyone!! I hope this gets better for you. . .and everyother Woman in the same position!!

[deleted account]

I loved the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage." It has a lot to say on this subject and it's very funny. My husband and I both read it before our son (3 months) cames along and I think it's been a big help. My husband is usually very willing to help out.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

46 Comments

View replies by

Rosie - posted on 01/08/2009

11

24

1

Men do feel that when they work all day to put food on the table that they deserve to come home and just rest. On the other hand we feel that they should come home & take the kids off our hands so that we can rest. It works both ways...we're both pushing for some "me" time. My husband & I both work full time jobs but have both played the rolls of stay at home parents for a bit so we see it from both angles. I know for my husband, he usually doesn't come home right away. We agreed that after work, he is allowed to just take a drive to a park somewhere or grab a coffee, smoothy or whatever after work in order to take a small breather before he comes home. And he is NOT allowed to answer business call while he is at home because it just takes from being with the family. And do date nights weekly & if you can't do that, find a sitter a couple time a month and go away with your husband on a romantic night away from the kids. I think strengthening marriages make you a better parent. Just my oppinion. Hope that helps!

Tania - posted on 01/08/2009

1

0

0

My husband is the same-I didn't think all husbands were like that. I find that communication is the key. I ask my husband to help me in the evening and he does. He used to get upset when I asked him to help so I told him how I felt and now he does it without complaining. He won't, however, volunteer to help, I have to ask. So, try asking your husband to spend more time with the kids and tell him how you feel. You may be surprised how he responds. Keep communicating with him-don't keep your feelings bottled up because it turns into anger against him and that is not healthy for you or your family. I also find prayer helps-if you have faith in God. I hope this has been helpful and I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless:)

Tanya - posted on 01/07/2009

1

0

0

We all need the other person to say what they need, morse code never works. One sentence does not tell the partner what to do inorder to help. But sometimes, it don't matter what you do or say, for the other partner is not listening to the so called nag. Mine needed another person's input, for the councillor helped us both, but some damage can never be repaired. Married for 11 years.

Maria - posted on 01/07/2009

1

8

0

In a nutshell, because they are guys! They don't have the same mothering instincts and lack the fundamental techniques or should I say finesse of being a mom so they withdraw. Some are disadvantaged in the organizational & family management skills it takes to keep a family unit together so they come to depend on us to do it all because we do it so well! The funny is - they seen to have absolutely no problem being that way - I think that's the frustrating part. While it's frustrating, you have to find a way to get them involved and to feel good about being involved.

User - posted on 01/07/2009

22

6

10

I was just talking about the same prob. yesterday. I think it started early in the relationship and I let him get away with it. Now he does nothing and feels its his right! I think a day of switching roles would be wonderful, let them try to cope with what we have to do. But how to get them to agree[big prob.]

Tamsin - posted on 01/07/2009

43

11

8

This is not an easy issue (except for a few lucky mums and wives).  I agree that men and woman think differently and that needs to be taken into account, but it's also true that some men are simply unprepared to take on the responsibility that comes with marriage and children. They were raised mostly by mothers (woman) and it seems to be locked into their thinking that it's a woman's job to do the "home stuff".  Every time I've ever seen a man thrust into the wifes position unexpectedly, through the woman going into hospital or away or something, they always say later, I truly had no idea how hard a job it was!! And because men and woman think differently, the kind of unorganized and hectic, emotionally exhausting work of parenthood and house work just does not appeal to them. But the fact is, in this day and age we have to pull together and help each other out. As other woman have suggested, asking for specific chores to be done during the week on a regular basis, so they know exactly what's expected of them will probably help. As for the mum's who have men who already understand this and pitch in willingly, DO NOT let that man go!!!! For the rest of you; the very best of luck!

Lettie - posted on 01/06/2009

2

23

0

I honestly think that they just don't get it and it is our job to help them. I have found that I have to ask for help in the areas I need him to step up. For example: after dinner I might say something like, "I have to do the dishes and the kids need a bath and I just really want to snuggle on the couch with you, maybe if you do one and I do one then we can get to that part quicker." Plus telling him that he looks sexy when he does stuff for the kids works too. I also plan stuff in advance and let him know what is coming up so that I get my fun breaks in too (i.e. scrapbooking, going out with girlfriends, etc.) Good Luck!!!!

Laura - posted on 01/06/2009

4

0

1

i am sorry to say but my partner is absolutelty brilliant with our girls, i work all day and he is a stay home dad, he spends all day with them and even when i arrive home he tries to deal with them until i get sorted, even though  love being with them just as much as he does, he is an amazing partner and a fantastic dad!! sorry ladies i cant agree with this topic!

User - posted on 01/06/2009

80

0

6

Kim, i could not agree with you more !!  Men arent women....they dont think like us, they dont read our sign and they need things to be spelt out for them.  Not their fault, its how they are made !!!

Kim - posted on 01/06/2009

18

14

0

Okay...not to betray my gender, here...but, maybe we could cut the guys a little slack?  Men are different from women, but not better or worse...just different.  Most guys tend to be very linear one thing at a time people, so sometimes they might need a bit of time to make that transition from work to home...that doesn't mean they are necessarily selfish.  (Incidentally, we're all selfish...if I get irritated with my husband for not giving me any down time it's because I'm focusing on what I want and getting pissed when I don't get it.  that's just as selfish!)  But either way, I think you'll get a lot further with some respectful communication than with hostility...saying things like "you NEVER help out" or "I have to do EVERYTHING!"  Talk about your expectations at a time when you're both calm and things are peaceful. 



One thing that helped us was when I decided to not look out for my own interests, but his.  (Eventually, he did the same thing.)  So rather than begrudge him taking half an hour to veg on the couch after a long day, I encouraged him to do it.  Bring him a drink and keep the kids busy.  All of a sudden, when that time was over he was rested and feeling respected, and that made him want to serve me in return. 



And yeah, sometimes you need to ask for more help, but instead of attaching all this guilt and entitlement to it, just ask for what you need.  Just because he doesn't automatically notice that the kitchen floor needs mopped and offer to do it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or isn't committed to his family.  When we act like it is, we frustrate and hurt them. 



I totally agree on the Love and Respect book...such a great resource.  I think every mom has been there, but one thing that helped me was learning to stop judging my husband (after all, I picked him!) and to be more concerned with our relationship than the household chores.  Separating those two will help a lot!

Kim - posted on 01/06/2009

18

14

0

Okay...not to betray my gender, here...but, maybe we could cut the guys a little slack?  Men are different from women, but not better or worse...just different.  Most guys tend to be very linear one thing at a time people, so sometimes they might need a bit of time to make that transition from work to home...that doesn't mean they are necessarily selfish.  (Incidentally, we're all selfish...if I get irritated with my husband for not giving me any down time it's because I'm focusing on what I want and getting pissed when I don't get it.  that's just as selfish!)  But either way, I think you'll get a lot further with some respectful communication than with hostility...saying things like "you NEVER help out" or "I have to do EVERYTHING!"  Talk about your expectations at a time when you're both calm and things are peaceful. 



One thing that helped us was when I decided to not look out for my own interests, but his.  (Eventually, he did the same thing.)  So rather than begrudge him taking half an hour to veg on the couch after a long day, I encouraged him to do it.  Bring him a drink and keep the kids busy.  All of a sudden, when that time was over he was rested and feeling respected, and that made him want to serve me in return. 



And yeah, sometimes you need to ask for more help, but instead of attaching all this guilt and entitlement to it, just ask for what you need.  Just because he doesn't automatically notice that the kitchen floor needs mopped and offer to do it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or isn't committed to his family.  When we act like it is, we frustrate and hurt them. 



I totally agree on the Love and Respect book...such a great resource.  I think every mom has been there, but one thing that helped me was learning to stop judging my husband (after all, I picked him!) and to be more concerned with our relationship than the household chores.  Separating those two will help a lot!

Jaimee - posted on 01/06/2009

2

0

0

Most men are selfish towards everything, If it doesn't directly affect them then they are not interested!



So if you find an answer or a  way to fix yours please let me know!

Angela - posted on 01/06/2009

162

59

16

Cee, I read your comment & had to reply. We were having so much trouble with this issue! He never thought I did enough around the house & took that to be disrespectful to him. I, however, felt that I work so hard homeschooling our children, taking them everywhere they need to be, & cooking 3 times a day that I felt so taking for granted & unloved. We finally went to conseling & things are much much better!! We were in this vicious cycle of "I withhold respect until get love & appreciation, He withholds love & appreciation until he gets respects & a cleaner house"..... Needless to say it wasn't working! Now, I try to pick up the house more before he gets home & clean it really good every Sat. morning...He, in turn, doesn't gripe anymore, helps out when he can & is verbally appreciative, occassionally. Things have been so much better...I know it's so frustrating!! The main thing that helped was our church offerred a class called "LOVE & RESPECT". It's written & taught by Dr. Eggerichs and it changed our marriage (probably saved it too!!) I highly recommend looking at the website or finding out if a local church offers this class or just getting the book & trying it!! It's amazing!! www.loveandrespect.com THis really is worth the time! I hope things get better for you soon!!!

Johanna - posted on 01/06/2009

33

15

1

What a sad statement and that you feel that way and he has made you feel that way.

My husband died when our children was 5 mth and 3 yrs and he has missed their whole lives 10 yrs later. They are growing into teenagers and wonder now what their father is like. They wonder what his favorite soda was and the music he would want to listen to in the car and did he like Basketball over Football. Things that if he was around hopefully he would have been able to share with them.

I think it is time for the two of you to sit down and communicate and talk it through. Find out why he feels and behaves the way he does and tell him how your preceptions of his behavior makes you feel. What was his raising like?? Was his father fully involved? And is he stressed with making ends meet and puts his family "on the back burner"......

Communicate.......Communicate.......Communicate. Your approach should be soft and to the point. Guys loose interest when they are confronted with anger and lots of talking.

Good Luck.......I hope he sees into your preceptions of your reality......He could be missing the best years of their young influenced lives.

Vicki - posted on 01/05/2009

7

3

2

And here I thought it was just me. Are you saying that the dad doesnt spend alot of time with you all. Boy do I know that feeling.

Hanna - posted on 01/05/2009

585

9

56

Well, a lot of guys are not willing to contribute their share of responsibilities around the house for several reasons: 1. tradition, what they grew up with (ladies take a look at the treatment he gets when he's at his mom's house and mommy serves & cleans up after him while he's watching tv or sitting on the couch chatting it up). My husband loves to throw it in my face about how i'm not a good wife because i don't do all these things that his mom does. Of course the difference is that he sees his mom once every 3-6 months and when he stays with her she gets annoyed at him just the same as me about him cleaning up after himself, but he tends to have a selective memory about these things.
2. There's less structure and 'schedule' to housework and kids than there is to a job and most men don't know how to handle those stresses and multi-task without getting overwhelmed -- solution, rather than expecting him to take over for a few hours, maybe you could give them a few simple tasks to do. maybe write out all the things that need to be done around the house on weekly basis (and amount of time they take) and let him pick a few daily tasks that he is willing to do -- that way it's fair and he can't say that u're constantly nagging him.

3. Some guys feel that they're not as good at taking care of the babies as you are (of course some use it as an excuse not to have to change diapers, etc.) so they are either afraid or feel inadequate -- u do have to start at early age (i.e. from birth or even prior to birth) getting them involved in taking care of the baby. i started putting parenting magazines in the bathroom (a nice change from maxim and victoria's secret catalogs) and hubby started reading them about 5 months into pregnancy and dragged him to every appointment & child preparedness class i could (so that he hears it from "authority" rather than "me nagging").
4. They have a job outside the house where they feel important and stressed out and are tired afterwards, so they feel that it's sufficient for them to just bring home the paycheck. Also "they have worked all day so they need some time to relax" (as opposed to you, who just sits around the house doing nothing). Solution: GO BACK TO WORK even if it's part-time or only covers the day-care & gas back& forth but it evens out the playing field -- you will have a job as well then all the house responsibilities can be divided fairly so that both of u can have some me-time.
4. Also, u do have to go to extremes sometimes -- (although i advice u to have a conversation before u stop doing certain things and i would just address it in a way that u simply don't have the time to do all the things u used to do before the kids) then when he finds that his shirts are not washed and pressed, he'll know why -- you've been asking for help. kids are crying, don't get up or be busy doing something else (i know u'll feel like a terrible mom, but look at it as an investment and it's only temporary) so that sooner or later he'll get annoyed that the baby is making so much noise and he'll go over to comfort him/her.
5. Show him how tired you really are -- ask him to get u a glass of water/wine, give u a back/foot rub, pass out on him in the living room on the couch, tell him u pulled a back muscle trying to carry something/someone up or down the stairs or just lifting i -- he's demonstrating to you how tired he is, make him understand that u've been working all day too and are just as exhausted (probably more). and if that doesn't work, when he has a day off, FIND AN EMERGENCY U NEED TO ATTEND AND LEAVE HIM HOME WITH THE KIDS FOR A FEW HOURS see how well he does. even if u come home and kids will be hungry and house will be a mess, it'll still wear him out just constantly having to pay attention to the kids (of course i wouldn't advise u doing it while the game is on because then u're risking having some permanent damages to the house) and he'll understand how exhausting it is to keep an eye on the kids all the time and doing housework.

Debby - posted on 01/05/2009

67

23

12

I'm glad to hear I'm not alone here...my husband works his 8 hours, changes into something "more comfortable" then sits at the computer. He takes 5 minutes out to eat supper, then he's back at that f'ing computer for the rest of the night. He doesn't even wait for my daughter and me to finish, just puts his plate on the counter and goes out to the living room. Our daughter will try to get him to play with her, but he just gets so absorbed into that bloody thing that you have to actually interrupt his concentration to get a reply. After our daughter is in bed, then I still have a sink full of dishes to do, usually laundry, and tidy up the house. He tells me to sit down and relax for a while, that he'll do whatever "in a few minutes", but he never does it, then i have twice as much to do the next day! By 10pm I'm ready to crash, and would like to have a bit of time together just watching tv in bed, but he's distracted playing computer games until 2 or 3 in the morning. I've tried talking to him, and he says he'll help out more, and he does for a day or two, then its back to the same at the computer.

Carol - posted on 01/05/2009

73

7

7

In my opinion, I think it's all about communication. My husband and I were both in the military and both raised to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. He helps out even if I don't ask him to. When he comes home from work, the oldest is doing homework but he acknowledges both children and me. He will sit and relax and most of the time the youngest will sit on his lap. And since I'm in college and go in the evenings, he gets a pretty good idea of what I go through during the day. But he knows that he has his job outside the home but also in. Of course there are times when I get frustrated at him for not helping with something but then I realize how much he does that I don't-take out the trash, take the trash to the curb, switches laundry for me. I had always heard that marriage was 50/50 but for me I believe marriage is 100/100 for each has to give 100%.

Tamsin - posted on 01/05/2009

43

11

8

I loved Paulette Morgan's reply to this (above). It has to be understood that each partner needs to be heard and know that they matter to each other. It's unfortunate we're not taught before marriage to discuss things like, how to raise our children etc, in order to establish like minded ideas. I think you need to put aside the time (quiet relaxed time) to discuss this with your husband and to explain just how important it is to you and your child/ren. All the very best to all you mums and dads!

Diane - posted on 01/05/2009

1

0

0

Just as a woman is a gift to her husband and Children are our blessings from the Lord. We have to realize that in many ways thier life may not change when that new baby comes and it may not when then third or fourth one comes. Understanding men is not usually the way to go but educating your self on why men do what they do is a better way to go. Whether you are a Godly woman or not the Bible plays a big role in finding out who and what a man is supposed to be for us and in doing a little Bible study we can also find out who we are supposed to be to our spouse.Men have not experienced what we have when we have baies and they really don't " get it" . I had to tell my husband how I was feeling about everything in a kind unbattering way. when your emotions are flying is probably not the best time to unleash your feelings on him. Set the atmosphere in the house later in the evening after the kids have gone to bed and share your heart. This is what I had to do...alot of soul searching on both ends. Marraige is comprimise on both sides. I have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids and I promise the closer you get with the Lord the better he takes care of your husband and kids.

Cee - posted on 12/17/2008

2

0

0

Thank you all so much for your suggestions and stories.. I will try to put my beat foot forward to find a solution that will work for both of us.

Tammie - posted on 12/17/2008

24

28

0

Sorry to say, but my husband loves to come home and spend time with his girls. As soon as he walks through the door I get to have "me" time, whether it's to finish making supper, have a coffee or just tune everything out. All he asks is that he gets to have a quick shower, then he's hands on dad. Plus he's a neat freak, so whatever I don't get done during the day, he finishes for me. I knew there was a reason why I loved him as much as I do lol

Paula - posted on 12/16/2008

4

0

1

I think the main point is that we can make up all sorts of excuses as to why the men don't put in their share at home or we can demand that they do so and "relax" afterwards. When my husband gets home he plays with the kids while I get dinner ready, then we all eat, he plays some more (without the TV) while I do the dishes and get a breather and then helps me put them to bed. Once they are asleep he and I can have our relaxation time. But you have to let him know that he is not entitled to "relax" when he gets home from work if you are still working too, it is a team effort. It shouldn't be that we have to let them know they are not entitled to relax, but many men are selfish. Also, it is not easy for them to be with the kids sometimes because it requires them to stop and give of themselves in a way that they are not used to, and let's face it it isn't always so much fun to play with the kids after an exhausting day. But if you help each other then your downtime will be better and your kids will truly spend time with Dad too and he and they will form a close bond that will last. And more importantly, your husband will contribute to your marriage and to the family, which is a team effort.

User - posted on 12/16/2008

80

0

6

Its reading all the mum's comments on this thread that make me realise just how lucky i am with my husband. Great dad, and i never have to ask him to do the dishes or bath the kids..and he works shitty hours and in front of hot ovens (he is a baker) in this harsh Aussie heat and NEVER complains. He has had only 1 sick day in the 4 years he has been at this job, and that was only because I had gastro so he stayed home to look after our baby. He would rather go without a holiday overseas or the latest playstation or Wii, so i can stay home with the kids full time. He never lets the grass get too long, the pool is always sparkling clean, and he tells me he loves me every day. I really am lucky , arent i ?

Louisa - posted on 12/16/2008

2

14

0

Men don't realize the time they spend with the kids now can really make a difference later on in the teen years when troubles begin,that its like building a good foundation. I told my hubby before we got married Im not martha stewart,I don't mind doing things around the house when I can. If something is not getting done he is more than welcome to do something about it,except complain,lol. I am planning on going back to school and I wont have time to get up at 5 and make his lunch,my kids lunches,see him off and then come home after and do all the household stuff. So theres going to be a bit of a reality check but I will start "communicating" about it now so its not a surprise,lol! Men like it when you take care of them but they can begin to take it for granted sometimes.

[deleted account]

Simple answer? Because they were born male! I love my hubby to pieces, and I truly understand that he works hard, however, there is nothing like 3 or 4 hours alone with the kids for the perfect revenge! I leave the house on Saturday morning to do 'grocery' shopping and I take a few 'hours' to come home. When asked, I just say the store was 'extremely busy'. Meanwhile, I only have to pick up a few things from the store, I sit and read another chapter of my book while enjoying some good java! It's good to see them stressed out sometimes.

Terri - posted on 12/16/2008

13

40

1

I have wondered the same thing. I have talked to some of my other mom friends and most of them wonder the same thing. My husband needs his time to "decompress" when he comes home from wrk, and then will put on the TV, while playing with our 2 year old. He half-ass plays with her. He doesn't bather heror put her to sleep either. He gets up with her 1 morning a week, usually on Sat or Sun, and if I have to go out for a day and he has her....they stay in and play or he takes her over to his mom's or other family members house so that thy can play with her. Not sure what that is about. We have talked about it until I am blue in the face and I cannot get an answer. It's a little comforting knowing that I am not the only one who suffers from this. Maybe it is just a man thing.?

Kim - posted on 12/16/2008

24

26

1

They think they work much harder than we do. That they deserve their own time but so do we. I think a moms job is harder than anything else. Don't get me wrong, they are sometimes the bread winners and we are the caretakers of the house and kids.

User - posted on 12/16/2008

80

0

6

my husband works early mornings so is home for the day by lunchtime..i like to have the house clean and tidy, bed made dishes done, clothes washed ect,..its actually a lot easier cause the kids havent had a chance to mess the house up yet..for when he gets home. He then relaxes on the couch while i make lunch and tidy up after. He then goes for a 2-3 hour sleep while i TRY to keep the kids pretty quiet. When he wakes up the house is normally a mess from our playing so for an hour b4 dinner he puts some music on, has a drink and dances with our kids. My daughter (3) LOVES it !!.. This is a really great idea, cause my husband gets to sit at the bar with a drink, have his favorite music loud, and my daughter gets to spend time with her daddy, all while i am making dinner without the kids interupting me. Maybe try and incorperate something ur husband does when he gets home from work with something ur kids like to do. Even if its watching a cartoon for half and hour together, or playing a game on the computer. something that doesnt seem like "playing" to daddy, but the ur kids will just love spending time with him !

Ashley - posted on 12/16/2008

239

0

20

I don't know, but it's annoying. My husband thinks all I do all day is sit on my butt. Then when he comes home he wants me to wait on him hand and foot and doesn't want to spend any time with his son - except to say hi and maybe play a little with blocks. My son is so excited to see him, he just wants to play! Some days I want to freak out.

Samantha - posted on 12/16/2008

5

2

0

It's hit and miss with my husband. When he comes home everyday, he takes 5 minutes to himself to get settled in and then he takes right over with our little hellion. The down side to him is that he expects me to clean up after him everyday. He seems to think there's a magical little fairy that follows him around the house. I've started leaving his laundry. (It's been 4 days so far and he hasn't gotten the hint with that).

Jeanne - posted on 12/16/2008

26

7

2

Perhaps he sees the house and the kids as "your job" while he has a job outside the home. The danger of course is that when he's home his job is over but you never get to leave your job. You might have some luck explaining how unfair that division is, asking if he would think it's fair if your roles were reversed. Then, since husbands aren't mind readers, try to be precise about ways you two could divide the evening responsibilities more equally, and ask him for suggestions. I personally don't like to call a man doing a share of the housework or parenting as "helping out" because that implies it really is all the mom's responsibility. I also dislike when I hear of a dad "babysitting" his own kids! Words can shape the way we think.

[deleted account]

For my dh, he got sent out of state for job training when our son was 1 mnth old. He had tried to see if it could be delayed so that he would be with me for longer while our son was tiny, but in order to get a job only 15 min from home he needed to go at that time. We lucked out that our son decided to be born earlier rather than later, so he was home for longer than we thought with him. When he got home from training, he hadn't adjusted to "dad mode", it has been a steep learning curve for him since he missed 3 mnths of growing up time. But while we've had some issues, like not understanding how I can't get everything done in a day when i'm taking care of a now 8 mnth old, we've done ok. But I admit that i got lucky, he likes to cook, he does laundry, and he can clean, and does so.(his mom taught him and his brothers that they had to be able to do all that and that they had better pitch in or else) I do have to remind him sometimes that i really need a break, or hell even just a chance to get a shower! For us we've gotten better at discussing what needs to be done and how to share the jobs.

Sommer - posted on 12/16/2008

2

13

0

I don't think men always realize that family time is important. Plan family events or outings for everyone.

Olesja - posted on 12/16/2008

8

3

2

Because their mothers raised them to expect the woman to take care of the household stuff?? Which *obviously* includes the children. Dunno, but I lucked out BIG TIME with my hubby, he helps around the house, cooks and loves to spend time with our son. Find yourself one of those :).

Jackie - posted on 12/16/2008

31

6

3

my husband got tired of not having clean laundry, or dinner on the table and decided it was time for him to help. I started small, like trowing his sock in the trash when the were still on the floor when he left in the morning ;) when he ran out of socks I told him what I had done, he bought new socks and they don't end up on the floor anymore. I let dishes pile up and washed enough for me and the kids. It took about two months of him being very annoyed with me, but I was in school full time and had three kids under 4 years old. hes not perfect because he is still male but its been about three years and one more baby and he still helps as much as I need him to.

June - posted on 12/16/2008

12

30

1

no b y the time my hubby comes home im ready for my time, i have 4 kids and they stress me out badly and right now im suffering from postnatal depresstion, so i need me time,

Paulette - posted on 12/16/2008

565

16

93

I think the men in look at things in a different way. They have been at work all day, dealing with the demands of the job. So when they come home they are not thinking they have to do a different job, that of father and husband. In talking to a counselor they said for him to look at his drive home as down time (listen to music and sing if that is his thing, etc). When he gets home he needs to acknowledge the family with hugs and kisses. Give him 30 minutes of down time to change clothes, read newspaper, etc. After that he needs to engage in what is going on with the family. Give mom a chance to breathe and ask the kids what has gone on with their day and help with dinner. Even if it is just keeping it from burning while mom has a break. Or he can entertain the children while mom is cooking, it can vary from family to family. The important thing is for each parent to sit and talk openly letting each other know what their needs are. Letting each other know that they matter and come to a mutual agreement.

[deleted account]

i found the best thing is to let my husband sit in the car in the driveway and listen to some music or take a quick power nap BEFORE he comes in. it gives him time to leave work at work and feel a little refreshed when he comes home. also, tell your husband you understand he is tired or wants to do his own thing but the kids will only be small once! they will grow up and leave and he'll have missed it all. besides, what does he want his kids to remember about him? that he didn't spend time with them?

[deleted account]

the million dollar question!

most of the time my dh is great but it frustrates me when he gets home, i'm cooking dinner and he wants to 'relax'. then i have to clean up, bathe the kids, put them to bed and when i come back down he's still sitting on the couch and i the dishes are still on teh sink! i still have to make his lunch and most likely change a load of laundry.

then when i fall into bed he wants to have alitle fun... haha, he's a funny guy!

but we've made a few arrangements and you have to do what works for both of you mainly you have to COMMUNICATE!

Cristina - posted on 12/16/2008

34

34

7

Good question. My husband works during the day, and when he comes home, all my girls want to do is play with him, but he usually wants "his time" to put his feet up or get on the computer. What we found to work, is that when he comes home, he spends 15 min. with the girls (this way I can have some time to myself, since usually by then, Im ready for a break) and the girls know that after 15 minutes, we have to give daddy "his time" then we have dinner together and my husband will usually help with bedtime. It seems to work, but before this plan, it was a mess. I was always angry that he would never HELP OUT with anything.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms