Why are there so many divorces?? It's sad!

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Rebekah - posted on 06/07/2009

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It really is a question that doesn't have simple, easy answers. Look around us. So many people have so much baggage that they carry around with them. So many issues are brought into marriage, and not dealt with. I would love to think that it could be as easy as saying committment means not giving up, and sticking by another person no matter what! Unfortanately, it is just not that simple. I personally believe a big part of the problem is a lack of love. I don't mean emotional, mushy love, but love that is unconditional. Love that is truthful. I don't just mean for each other, but also for ourselves. When we can love ourselves enough to be really honest with who we are, and embrace ourselves, then we have a better chance of truly loving someone else and committing to them. In that love we are willing not just to embrace the good things about ourselves, but also the things that we may need help with. When we do that we are able to live a life of compassion and forgiveness for ourselves and each other. It really is about self awareness, but I think pride gets in the way. We are not willing to look at our own failings.



When we embrace our own weaknesses as well as our strengths, we look at others differently. We see them as fellow human beings with hurts and weaknesses of their own. We should all recognize, too, the effect of our behavior on others. In many failed relationships, not just marriages, people do not care how our behavior affects others. That is not love. The words we choose, the acts we do, the attitude we hold will have much to do with the outcome of the relationship. We can't fix others. We aren't responsible to fix others. However, we are responsible for ourselves.

Leaha - posted on 06/07/2009

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Quoting Jessica:



The statistic I would like to see is: of the divorces, how many are 1. People giving up 2. People getting out of unhealthy relationships. Cause if the ones that are increasing are #2 - then YEA US! But, if the ones that are increasing are #1 we should pass a law to raise the marrying age to 22 or 32 :) !



LOL! That's funny. Something I've always wondered about too, not to get this off topic. But, you have to be 18 to buy/smoke ciggarettes, you have to be 21 to buy/drink alchohol, that one still bothers me, you can enlist and DIE for your country at 18 but you can't drink a beer till 21??? yYou have to have a licence to drive, you have to have a license to get married. Why don't you have to have a license to have a baby?!! Maybe I'll start a new thread with that topic... LOL

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JuLeah - posted on 07/04/2011

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We don't teach people how to listen, how to talk so they are heard. We don't teach people how to honestly ask for what they want, how to say yes, how to say no. We don't teach people how to argue, how to agree to disagree, how to 'let it go. We don't teach the skills people need to make a relationship healthy ....

Yalana - posted on 07/04/2011

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I took my vows very seriously. My ex didn't...he didn't love, honor, or cherish me...instead he used me as his punching bag. My kids are more important to me than to allow them to see how this so-called "man" treats their mother. If I hadn't divorced him, I might be dead right now, and my sons would be the ones bearing the brunt of his anger.

Lydia - posted on 06/08/2009

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Lol - maybe we could go back to the old celtic tradition of getting married for a year and a day?

[deleted account]

Abuse, adultery, addiction are 3 factors that no one needs to suffer through, regardless if they are in a legally binding marriage or just a companion relationship. Yes, marriage is a 2 way street and it takes 2 people to work on a marriage, and 2 people to make the decision to end a marriage. Your question "Don't vows mean anything anymore?" sounds naiive to me because I am certain that many people work hard on their vows to keep their marriage strong. You're making an assumption that couples have not gone through counseling or therapy in order to maintain and strengthen their relationship. However, there are so many instances when divorce is the only option for survival. Please don't judge somebody unless you know their individual case. A dear friend of mine would most likely be dead if she did not escape her abusive ex-husband.

[deleted account]

I'm happily married, hubby and I work on our marriage all the time. Too many people believe what they see on the TV and big screen. I do have 2 friends who ar egoing through divorces for different reasons. 1st friend - her and her ex should never have gotten married to begin with. 2nd friend - she was married for 12 years and has 3 wonderful kids. Her hubby hit the youngest (only 4 at the time) so hard that he left a hand print bruise on his back and split the skin. They'd had their issues and were trying to work them out but after that happened my friend told her ex to get out.

User - posted on 06/08/2009

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Well I don't think it is up to us to judge peoples personal life such as a marraige.

Mel - posted on 06/07/2009

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it is sad! i heard that 50% of marriages end in divorce. i think some people dont even try to make it work me im someone where i dont go into it with any intention of ending things my partner is the same he believes in forever in commitment and we are not even married yet. my mum and dad were married 20 years my mum was 16 when they got married. she decided to end it after she had an abortion. i know sometimes its not possible to work things out but what happened to the old days when everyone stayed together

Cathy - posted on 06/07/2009

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I don't believe in 'til death do us part' anymore...people change and are bound to want to move in different directions in life as they mature. If you're really lucky and both people have similar goals and desires then it can work...but it doesn't always happen that way. It seems very unrealistic to me that two people will stay together 'forever'. I think we should redefine the lifeline of marriage and have an evaluation period (every 2 years or so) where each person can decide if they want to stay in the marriage...complete with a ceremony and new vows, if desired. Just a thought :)

Melissa - posted on 06/07/2009

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when people 1st marry - they do believe in the 'vows' - The bigger question - is this the right person for them in the long run... so many factors change this over the years... My parents divorced after 27 years of marriage - They were highschool sweet hearts - The divorce was messy & when they both remarried I question the same... What do vows mean if you can so easily get a divorce, then go marry someone else... For many (like my own parents) divorcing in the moment was a good thing (in their minds) - for some its also necessary (obvious reasons) . In the end, all I can contribute is we can not cast judgement on others not believing in vows or marriage - until we walk in their shoes - who are we to tell them whats right/wrong...

[deleted account]

There are no right or wrong answers to this question. When you ask "Don't vows mean anything anymore??" that sorta gets to me a little. I divorced my ex husband after 8 years of marriage. No one goes into a marriage expecting their vows to fail. No one goes into a marriage expecting to lose faith or to grow so far apart. When I married my ex husband I was 24 years old and was marrying my best friend. We had been childhood sweethearts and I had known him since I was 15. We always knew that we would get married, and we did. But no one tells girls how that "feeling" you have when you get married, doesn't last and isn't what keeps a marriage strong. No one tells girls that marriage is work and it is something that, left untended (like a garden) can grow wild and out of control and may have to be completely undone in order to regain some sense of order. That's what happened to us. I married my best friend. But in the end, that's ALL we were to each other. Kissing him started to feel like kissing my brother and that's not cool, trust me. So as for your question, about don't vows mean anything anymore? I say yes. Our vows meant the world to both of us...but vows don't make a marriage. People do. And when two people aren't compatible for whatever reason, it's up to them to do what is best for them. No one can say what is best for someone else.

Allison - posted on 06/07/2009

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Sometimes divorce really is the only option. I am currently going through a divorce and I never thought that I would. I was raised that marriage is for life and that you don't just leave. However in my situation my soon to be ex-husband was very mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive to our children and myself with some physical abuse in there towards me. I finally had enough and took my kids and got out.

I asked myself for a long time before I left what was the bigger sin? Staying in a marriage where my kids and I weren't safe or getting divorced. When I asked my pastor (who also happens to be my dad) he said that my ex had broken his vows by abusing my kids. If I would ever get married again (and that's a pretty big IF) I will get married for the right reasons and divorce will not be an option that time.

Jessica - posted on 06/07/2009

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As someone who's had her fair share of divorces (2), it's not always avoidable. I think 40 years ago I would have been stuck in those relationships. Today, we have options and the ability to remove ourselves from unhealthy situations. Between the internet and global environment and access to information we have access to a million options that 40 years ago would have been unreachable. People talk about the divorce rate being a bad thing but I'm not totally convinced. I think it's a positive thing that people are able to get away from unhealthy situations.



Two good comments above are 1. It takes 2! and 2. People marry too young and grow apart. A relationship where one person is trying and the other just expects things to work or problems to go away escalates quickly into an unhealthy situation. The person who is trying begins to feel inadequate and a failure. The person who isn't trying either withdraws even more into depression or finds other ways to entertain themselves.



When you look at that you realize how we exacerbate the sitatuion. When you add into the situation that people are young and immature + people have so many other options available to them then you can see why so many marriages fail and people don't stick it out to do what it takes to make it work.



Today, I'm 35 and married to a wonderful man. We've both been through failed marriages and been disappointed. We both understand that a relationship is something you constantly work at and have to be completely commited and invested in. Life isn't perfect and we have issues and fight - the difference is that we are mature enough to know we have to work through them but also we've both gone after the greener grass on the other side and realize you just trade one issue for another. While I wish I had waited to have kids until I was older so my kids only saw me here; I'm glad what they see today is a healthy relationship and are seeing that we are consciously working on it. I truly believe doing what it took to get here (including the divorces) was the best thing for my boys. Just cause I had them so young wasn't an excuse to knowingly teach them to have unhealthy relationships.



The statistic I would like to see is: of the divorces, how many are 1. People giving up 2. People getting out of unhealthy relationships. Cause if the ones that are increasing are #2 - then YEA US! But, if the ones that are increasing are #1 we should pass a law to raise the marrying age to 22 or 32 :) !

[deleted account]

I think because many people go into the marriage expecting the other person to fulfill them and don't really understand the huge responsibility marriage is. True love isn't the fairy tale "happily ever after" It is stinkin' hard work and requires determined commitment even in spite of extremely difficult and frustrating issues.

When we married, we made the vows commitment until we die. That is what we are sticking to...through richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...Divorce is NOT an option for us.

Leaha - posted on 06/07/2009

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Very good question Erinn. I would be interested in statistics that show ages of divorced parents, and the ages they got married. Seems to me that the younger marriages are the ones with the most divorce rates. Most likely the 20-30 age group maybe? I am divorced and have since re-married. I was raised by parent's that had been divorced and re-married. However my maternal grandparents had been married over 65 years and my paternal grandparents would be the same (my paternal grandfather died when my dad was 13 and grandma never re-maried) Vows to me are very sakred. I can honestly say, the first time around for me though, I didn't take them seriously. I was 17 when I got engaged to my ex-husband he was 20. I, like most teenagers thought that I had such a horable home life and couldn't wait to get out of the house and get out on my own. He gave me the oppertunity to do so. He showered me with gifts and money, had his own place, and I thought he "loved" me. He gave me an engagement ring for my graduation present, and a month later when I turned 18 I moved in with him. I dropped out of college to get a "real" job and start a family. I wound up pregnent 3 months into my "good real" job. When we told our parents we were pregnant, they told us we had to get married sooner than we planned because, we shouldn't have a baby out of wedlock. (I wish I would have been stuborn and said no, we don't have to get married just because we're pregnant) So at 5 months pregnant we got married. From that very day on, we were doomed. I was very bitter because his family took over all of the wedding plans and arraingments. My mother and I only had input on my dress. My ex MIL took over the guest list and only about 1/4 of my family was invited. My paternal grandmother didn't even get an invitation! Needless to say, my ex and I were fighting on the day of our wedding, and continued to fight for 7 years there after. Throughout those 7 years he was unfaithful and mentaly, verbaly, physically and sexually abusive to me. I was one that suffered in silence, because no one would have beleived me anyway. My bruises were always explained by some kind of "accident" falling down the stairs, burning myself with the curling iron ect... the few people I did try to "cry out" to couldn't beleive that such a "nice guy" could be mean to me and my daughter. His family was very two-faced, the last year of our marriage, we started talking to one of his cousins, she was trying to "marriage councel" us, since he refussed to go to marriage councelling with me. She honestly tried to get him to see that he was being rude and mean to me and that I was not happy and our daughter was suffering from it. He refussed to beleive that any of it was his problem, it was all me. He said that I was depressed and still suffering from postpardum depression and that I was the one that needed the help. You know after talking with that cousin and her seeing what was honestly going on, she's one of them that is trying to help him get full custody of our daughter!

IMO, divorce should never happen. Vows are said before God for a reason. But when the relationship is strained by infedelity and abuse, end the marriage and get out before the lives of inocent people are taken. I can honestly say, I beleive that if I had stayed with my ex husband, my daughter and/or myself would not be here today.

I am so happy to have found my current husband. He treats me with respect, and our vows mean the world to us. This one is for life. We've already had some rough times with his family and my ex causing problems, and I have a very troubled daughter, but my current husband has been a better father to my daughter than her own ever was.

Tamara - posted on 06/07/2009

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I can only speak from my own experience but both of my mother's divorces was a very good thing. The first marriage was mutually abusive and she abused me as well. When she left my father, the abuse became much less physical and more mental, emotional, and verbal. Not perfect but definitely an improvement. Her 2nd divorce was also a good thing as her 2nd husband was not only cheating on her but being verbally and emotionally abusive to her as she was developing a neurological disorder.

I agree its considered an easy way out by many but its also a necessary evil in some cases.

Lydia - posted on 06/07/2009

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Sure they do - but I think some people have a fantasy of romance based on movies that nobody could live up to in real life because relationship take more work than that. Situations also change over time and can change how people feel about each other. But there will always be those who have a callous attitude to the vows they have taken.



Im so lucky to have found someone who I love and loves me back but who also believes that you dont say 'I do' until you know that you can keep your promise.While I can never know that it will last I am pretty damn confident that if we ever go down it wont be without a fight!

Jodie - posted on 06/07/2009

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yes they mean alot but i'm getting divorced because one person working at a relationship and not getting anything back doesn't make for a happy family!!

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