Why do first time moms.........

Heather - posted on 01/06/2010 ( 201 moms have responded )

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Why do first time moms think they know it ALL and refuse to listen to more experianced moms/nanas/mother-in-laws? We all have done it but why?? Is it Pride, is it we think we should know it all naturally, or is it that we just hate it if someone actually knows more than we do?

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Jane - posted on 01/11/2010

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My children are grown and I now have three grandsons. I am also a Maternal-Child Health Nurse (RN). When teaching new parents, I always told them that different people would tell them different (sometimes conflicting) things; but that they are ultimately the baby's parents and they need to filter what they hear and choose what is right for THEM and their situation. Sometimes they will take advice from his mom, other times from her's; and still other times....neither. Doting grandparents need to realize that times/methods change. If a parent gets conflicting info from their family members and conflicting advice from a doctor/nurse......go with the professional opinion. They're up on the latest stuff. Relatives must be careful to not pass judgment on the new parents. My MIL criticized me every time I nursed the baby....she believed that every four hours, scheduled, was enough. I knew, as an RN, that you nurse them whenever they want it. Sometimes you just have to say, "Thank you," and smile. New moms want advice, but we need to let them ask, so they can feel some competence/confidence in their abilities.

Tessa - posted on 01/06/2010

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I am a first time mom and I really don't listen to what people have to say because to be honest if I wanted your advice I would ask for it. you can have three kids it doesn't mean you are a better or more expierenced then someone with just one. When my son was only a week old everyone told me it was normal for my kid to spit up all the time...I knew something was wrong but everyone kept saying ohhhh you are a new mom you just don't know...Well I made the doc give my son a scan and turns out he had pyloric stenosis and had to have surgery right away.
I do believe moms with more kids have some good advice to give but I want to raise my son on my own without someone telling me how to handle a common cold or what is the best way to teach him. Every parent who is a first time or second time mom knows something more then the other. My co-worker is a Grandma and she asks me more advice about her grandkid then I have ever asked her. The statement about first time moms think they know it all, I belieive that is incorrect I feel that most of the people I know who have more then one kid think they know it all and always try to give me advice. Problem is my kid is not yours so what works for you doesn't always for me.

LeAndrea - posted on 01/16/2010

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What kind of question is this? No one knows how to parent my child better than the one who knows him, loves him and has his very best interest in mind. That person is me, his (first-time) mother.



I'm more than happy to listen to other moms. But that does not mean their way is the best way. It especially doesn't mean their way is best when it comes to my son. I also don't just take someone else's experience as gold. I do my research. Research is far better than taking someone's word.



How many times have their been where the old way of doing something has been proven ineffective, unnecessary or arcaic. There are always better ways to do something.



Perhaps you are offended someone proved your advice as ineffective, unnecessary and arcaic?

Charlene - posted on 01/11/2010

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Seriously Melanie.. if someone tried to give me 'advice' with THAT type of attitude behind it, I would tell them where they could stick it. And I have. It's that know-it-all, high and mighty, 'You'll come crawling back begging for my help' type of attitude that would make any first time mom resent the advice given. What's wrong with wanting to read and learn and at least be somewhat prepared? You are never FULLY prepared for anything, but that doesn't mean you should just jump in blindly.

Brittany - posted on 01/06/2010

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I'm kind of offended that you're specifically targeting first-time moms in this post. I'm a first time mom and yes I am picky about who I take advice from but I look for people I know I can trust to get advice from. If they give me advice I know for a fact is bad (because my pedi. told me or something like that) I don't hesitate to correct them but I'm not like that...you kind of just grouped ALL of us together.

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Becky - posted on 01/16/2010

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Being a mom of three, I think that for the most part it's just that Motherhood is a journey that is different for every person, and something you have to experience for yourself. Simply doing what others tell you to do in the most meaningful area of your life isn't fulfilling. Mothers (new or otherwise) have and sense a connection between themselves and their child that engages intuition and deeper knowledge that truly does trump other's advice, thoughts, and opinions. And every child is different, (experienced moms should know this) anyway, so you're constantly learning. Of course the other 3 options may play factors as well. ;)

Becky - posted on 01/16/2010

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Being a mom of three, I think that for the most part it's just that Motherhood is a journey that is different for every person, and something you have to experience for yourself. Simply doing what others tell you to do in the most meaningful area of your life isn't fulfilling. Mothers (new or otherwise) have and sense a connection between themselves and their child that engages intuition and deeper knowledge that truly does trump other's advice, thoughts, and opinions. And every child is different, (experienced moms should know this) anyway, so you're constantly learning. Of course the other 3 options may play factors as well. ;)

Renee - posted on 01/16/2010

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Well, I am just a bit offended here...... I am a FTM and an Auntie 8 times over. I have been around babies and kids since I was very young. But it is just different when it is yours. So many people want to offer their two cents and get offended when you don't accept it. Things change! advice can be outdated! Mommy's should tap into ther mommy instinct and have one or more persons they trust to go to for advice and support. but, I find it rude that one would get upset when offering advice not solicited. I have a wonderful sis in law that I went to and she had 4 children and things changed with all of them. Put them to sleep on there tummy, then on there back , then on there side, then on their back again. Feed them cereal at night if they are still hungry don't feed them cereal. I found peoples opinions and advice to be overwelling.. and guess what, I didn't ask for it. So if you care about the new mommy and baby. Let them know you are their for them but, leave your advice at door unless asked for! In my own experience I listened to my little one and she taught me so much! Nothing can compare to the connection and bond of a mommy and their baby.

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2010

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Well, could it be.... just because someone has experience in something, that does not mean it's "good" experience. Do you listen to that person's views??? Why don't people w/ experience have room for new/fresh ideas?? Just a thought :)

Bianca - posted on 01/15/2010

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I'm guessing that when my baby arrives I will be like that because i'm so tired of all the advice from everyone about what to do - 10 different people have 10 different theories/reasons why you should be doing this instead of that.



If I want to know something from my mum, gran or aunts, I will ask but often they dish out instructions and advice without having been asked and it gets a bit much after a while I would think.

Sajida - posted on 01/15/2010

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its just that they have more experience n more offenly we wanna do it ourselves + age factor ........thier could be many reasons...according to the situations

Jessica - posted on 01/15/2010

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Why do I not listen to every piece of advice from more experienced mothers? Because it's all different! It's not as if once you've had your first child you suddenly get a book on The Only Possible Way to Raise Kids Properly. Different things work for different kids. And research is turning up new things all the time - babies are less likely to wake when put to sleep on their sides or tummies (which is why that used to be recommended) but now we know that tummy sleeping is a SIDS risk, so the current recommendation is for back sleeping. Hence why I do my own research, ask my doctor and child health nurse for the latest medical advice, and (for non-medical things like nap times) experiment with what works for my baby rather than just following whatever my neighbour/co-worker/aunt says to do.

Kristal - posted on 01/15/2010

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Its not always about them thinking they know more. Its about the need to learn it all on your own. If we as first time moms depend on others to do it for us or tell us how to there is no guarentee that we can do it the next time around.

Stefanie - posted on 01/15/2010

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it depends who is giving the advice. sometimes people really don't know what they're talking about.

Jill - posted on 01/15/2010

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I was guilty of this too! I just wanted to try to do everything perfect...but in the end I just learned that was not realistic

JamieLeigh - posted on 01/15/2010

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With my first child, I just felt like everyone that was telling me things was trying to tell me how to raise my daughter. I felt that they were being bossy.

Ginni - posted on 01/15/2010

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As I said Tanya, Use the adivise you wish to use, and let the rest just go in one ear and out the other!!

[deleted account]

I do listen but at the end of the day its my baby and my decision. The more experienced 'know it all's' were probably like that too at one stage, and should respect that.

Ginni - posted on 01/15/2010

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I think that when it comes to "silly" stuff as how your baby should be dressed, using a pacifier, etc.. then it is just that.. advise. As a new Mom you should choose to take the advise or leave it.. When it comes to your child's health.. listen to those around you for warning signs that something could be wrong..also trust your insticts..Nine time out of 10 if you think something is wrong..it usually is!!

But to all the new moms out there.. relax.. It is not a contest as to who is right or wrong.. we are just trying to help. I run a daycare from my home and have had 3 children. I still do not know it all! One of my daycare moms actually brought me a clean and dirty bag for her sons things.. If he was to drop a pacifier it was supposed to go into the dirty bag. I thought this was hilarious. I know when she has another child she will lighten up! I think new moms are just protective and want to make sure their child is raised by them and not by grandma... or aunt so and so. To sum all this up.. We have all been there and there is no rhyme or reason to why we act as we do as first time moms..except we are just that.. moms and want to raise our chiildren "our way"!

Coralanne - posted on 01/15/2010

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Hello, my name is Coralanne and I am 54 years old and a grand mother of three grandchildren. I believe that first time mums don't want to listen to us mums or

nannas or mother-in-laws as it is their right to try to do what they think best for their new bub. My daughter has just had a baby last March, I just stayed in the back ground and was there to pick her up and help her, but I never just took over and acted like I know everything. That is no my right. First time mums will ask when they are stuck or unsure of what to do. As long as you are around to help that is all we can and should do. Anyway that is my opinion. With love and wishes Coralanne. xo

Jac - posted on 01/14/2010

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Id say we dont think we know it all but we want to figure it out for ourselves, and for me personally wen your a first time mum everyone treats you like you know nothing - well how else do you learn?? Mind you i do listen to every advice given and take bits from here and there.

Jen - posted on 01/14/2010

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I dont think it's pride, i think that as a new mother, some often feel that they have something to prove to the world! I also think that as a mother, we KNOW whats best for our child(ren). No one knows a child like the mother does, and what worked for one child may not work for the next! I NEVER take advice from the "pushy, know it all" mothers who claim to have all the experience, the reason being, i have ALL the experience with MY children!!! :) Im also a mommy of two, but would never think because ive done it twice, that i know it all...we live and learn, and the only way to know what works best for any child is through trial and error!!

Deb - posted on 01/14/2010

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I think it is because they feel that times have changed and the Dr. sometimes contradicts what they mom and mom in laws say. But when it comes down to it, having a baby is having a baby. lol

The technology may be better but nothing else has really changed.

Nicki - posted on 01/14/2010

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I don't think they feel that they know it all but the worst thing is having to hear other people telling you how to do it!! I feel like this we all made our mistakes with our kids so let these new moms make theirs, its not like they are life threatening.. give new moms a break they are nervous and unaware of what is around the corner and they just want support not nagging and know it alls!!

Jodye - posted on 01/14/2010

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I try to listen to the advice given to me by more experienced mothers than me, but sometimes I think that we think that we are their mother and we can do it how we want you know? I know that the first child is always the guinea pig when it comes to things that work and things that don't. lol

Melanie - posted on 01/14/2010

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hmmmm.. probablly all of the above and the fact that everyone likes to find their own way. Just because it may be different, doesn't mean it's wrong.. Everyone mothers their children in a different way and the way you do things today will be different from tomorrow. It's all a learning experience.

Susan - posted on 01/13/2010

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its probably in the way people present the advice. More like dictating than suggestion. That and no one likes to think someone else knows there baby better than they do, and no one does but sometimes an outside observation is a clear one.

I think its funny how much you relax with number two and so on.

Rebecca - posted on 01/13/2010

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Well, I'm a first-time mom, and I'm going to turn it around -- I get so sick of other women treating me like I'm not "qualified" to be a mom at all because I "only" have one child! Most of the time, I *do* know what's best for my baby! I am the one who spends all my time with him, almost 24/7. I'm the one who has done so much reading and researching. I do appreciate when I ask other moms for advice and they give it, and sometimes I don't ask for advice but it's given in a gentle, non-judgmental way and by someone who I TRUST to be giving that advice because I know the person giving it knows what she is saying! But I have gotten so much BAD advice, just really wrong information, so yeah, I get sick of hearing all that crap. Maybe if first-time moms are not listening to your advice, you should examine your tone and whether or not it's really right for THAT mom and baby.



Now that being said, I do agree that too many moms make bad decisions and maybe there is someone in their life who is trying to provide guidance, but ultimately it's up to each mom to educate herself and take responsibility for caring for her child.

Rachel - posted on 01/13/2010

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Oh, we know the answer to this, it's so obvious though that it's some what un-comprehension-able! (lol and I know that's not a word!) Here's why:

We "first- timers" don't listen because it's supposed to be instinct to know what to do with your baby. Right when that baby comes out - "it's like instinct just clicks on and you will know what to do." That's what we're told anyway. Not to mention - it's like a coming of age as if you now know that you now HAVE to know what's best for YOUR baby especially since we never really saw our grandmothers giving advice to our mothers about us and because at one point or another you're all they'll have! I swear to this day my mother never went to my Nanny and asked advice - because my mother still knows it all especially when she's wrong! lol

And typically the last thing any of us want to hear is "hey listen - I saw that you used ointment A on your baby's rash when really ointment B is way better and costs a third the price!" That's great! HOWEVER!!! - isn't learning for your self the way most of us learned (especially the ones of the 19 - 28 age range/ generation.)

Now, I have to admit - I was a (first time) "single" mother to a set of twins and I made getting advice from all of the other mothers at my baby shower a part of the "games" when in reality from that point on I just wanted to show all of my loved ones (including myself) that I knew what I was doing and that we'd be fine.

They are now 4 and I still have parts of my sanity - so I think I came out on top. I still have my suggestions tucked away in the unfinished baby book!

Hope this helps with your question... have a great rest of the week!

Ashley - posted on 01/13/2010

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because some time those ppl are to damn pushy and think they know it all and dont let these first time moms figure out what works from them best... just because it worked for you all years ago dont mean its gonna work for their children too back off and give them some space when they need it

Jeanette - posted on 01/13/2010

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It could be that they have a problem with the ways they raised their kids. I'm don't claim to know you or anything. This is just what I am dealing with. I am a first time mom and I listen to my mothers' advice alot of the time. On the other hand I tend not to even listen to the advice given by my mother-in-law because I don't agree with hardly any of the methods she used to "raise" my husband. With the exception of her I do listen to all advice given to me. I might not take it all depending on what I feel is best for my child and life but I do listen.

Susan - posted on 01/13/2010

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I think that not all first time moms think they know it ALL. I think it depends on the person because you know what, I am expecting my first child and I am constantly asking questions of my mom, my mother-in-law, my husband's grandmother, friends with kids, my sisters and brothers ( whom all have kids of their own), co-workers, etc. There are so many things that I have never experienced and many options out there so, I find it best to get a variety of opinions. Also, many things that I have experienced already (with being a childcare provider and also with being around and caring for my nieces and nephews and friends kids) are totally different when you are around a child 24/7. So, please don't make the generalization that ALL first time moms think they know it ALL. It is false unless you know every mother throughout the entire world, it would be the same as attributing a false stereotype to ALL people of one nationality or religion, etc.

Heather - posted on 01/13/2010

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I am a first time mom and I dont ask for advice. I pretty much watched what everyone else did and go from there. My daughters doctors say she is doing great. Im not saying I know it all. I just seen what made people in my family fail in the past. SO I don't want the same thing to happen to me. I learned from THEIR mistakes.

Alexia - posted on 01/13/2010

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I'm a first time mom, I don't think I know it all. I know everyone has their own beliefs and methods they want to use to raise a child. I feel that the advice I usually get is often unsolicited, but I listen to it anyway. That does not mean that I have to follow that advice. I don't get upset about the advice given to me. I get upset that the person is trying to shove it down my throat, and feels that in some way I must do what they say. The advice is often out of date and proven not to be good, like given a week old baby cereal in her bottle just because. I just want what is best for my child. Just because I'm a first time mother doesn't mean that I don't know anything either. I'm the one that spends all day and night with her, so I think I know her best.

Melanie - posted on 01/13/2010

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I think it's because they would like to experience the whole Mom thing in their own way. Each person is unique. Each experience is unique. My mother used to tell me "You just haven't lived long enough". I hated hearing that, but now I appreciate it. She was right. We each have to LIVE through life and find out where mistakes are made and successes lie. And btw, don't think they/we're are not listening to the "more experienced" Moms. Certainly, tidbits are gathered along the way...it's only natural. :)

Kappy - posted on 01/13/2010

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Oh Heather. It is just like anything else in life... people have to live through it and learn on their own. They'll listen and use your advice if they have a situation in which their own solution isn't working, but they need to learn what their own parenting style is and also how they relate to their own little baby. It will be different in some ways from your baby, after all. ALL of your advice will not apply. Don't take it personally, just be supportive and there with advice if she asks.

Kelsey - posted on 01/13/2010

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Im a first time mom, but I only think I know alot because I have worked at several daycares, and have read about babies, ALOT! Im sure some of its just natural too. I know one thing though, Its not pride, and its not at all competeative for me. Just because youve had more than one baby doesnt mean you know more either. I know a few second time moms, that are idiots.

Preeti - posted on 01/12/2010

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Simply because every baby is different! So when I was my mom's baby, I was different, and my baby is a different being. So while SOME of the ground rules remain the same, I know best how to deal with my baby.

Sandi - posted on 01/12/2010

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I personally enjoyed learning and continue to enjoy learning how to read my daughters needs and emotions. I didn't want people telling me how to do things because I didn't want to spend all of my time worrying if I was doing it "right" or "wrong". I was happy to enjoy the easy and hard moments & learn from her reactions so long as she was healthy and gaining weight. There's no harm in politely listening to another mother then doing what you feel is right regardless.



It's your baby, your lifestyle and your time to enjoy it all, why would you do something that didn't feel right for you or your baby?

Alicia - posted on 01/12/2010

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I couldn't tell you why. I've still got 3 months before Nikolas is here and i'll take all the advice that I can get. I may not use it all since everything is a learning experience when it comes to your child because each is different, but I'll use what I can. I do know that some think since they've babysat before that it'll be much the same, even though your OWN child is very much different. I feel pretty confident on how to do everything since I have helped to raise and am still helping, both of my nephews right now, (one is 3 and the other 15 months), but I know i'm not going to hesitate to ask if I need help!

Natalie - posted on 01/12/2010

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Mothers can be a bit "know it all" sometimes. I think that each mother knows what's best for their child. I think advice is best given when asked for. That way, you don't make yourself out to be the jerk. Nobody likes someone to whisk in and say "Let ME tell how to do it right like me!" It's hard enough figuring it all out the first time on your own without others making you feel that you are lacking. I have five kids and can easily slip into the "know it all" jerky role. I have trained myself to listen and let my friends figure it out unless they are asking. OR I can ask if they'd like to hear a tip I've learned...

Teri - posted on 01/12/2010

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I think it's cause we experienced moms come across as having an agenda. which we usually do.

[deleted account]

First off I don't know any first time Moms like that, no one listens to no advice, that would be silly. Sounds like you're a Grandmother? I go out of my way to ask my Mother, but I also have two Mother-in-laws, and talk about knowing it all. Primarily I think any Mom knows her child best, after all, all kids are different, so you can offer advice, but don't shove it down their throat please.

C. - posted on 01/12/2010

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I agree with Charlene (at least in her last post, I'm not sure if she posted anymore in this thread).

By the way Charlene.. Is that a bra on top of your head?? Hahahaa.. Too funny..

Michele - posted on 01/11/2010

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this first time Mom takes all wisdom from everywhere I can beg or find it. :D

Beth - posted on 01/11/2010

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i will be a fist time mum and all advise i do listen to but doesn't mean i have to follow through with it all. It is my learning experience and if i took all the advice people gave me it would make life allot harder because everyone has different opinions, so i believe stick to what you want to take in and do what you feel is best you'll be allot happier.



But hey you were a first time mum to and not everyone is perfect and allot of things you would have learned for your self so let up on new time mums because it's there path not yours to mold.

Stephanie - posted on 01/11/2010

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hmm...that sounds familiar...lol...or when they ask for advice, but when you give it they don't listen and say they know...lol...annoying

[deleted account]

I personally don't like to be given advice unless I ask for it. A lot of people(mother in law, aunt on father's side, etc) have flat out told me that I need to do or not do something and I just shrug it off but I don't follow it. I have to say that it's getting really old though, I know my daughter and her needs and wants better than anyone! If I truly need help I go to my mother, grandmother, or aunt; that's what they are there for right! I feel like it is more their place than anyone's and if my family catches themselves telling me what to do they quickly appologize and listen to my response. SOME people give advice because they think that they know it all....!!!!!

Beth - posted on 01/11/2010

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i will be a fist time mum and all advise i do listen to but doesn't mean i have to follow through with it all. It is my learning experience and if i took all the advice people gave me it would make life allot harder because everyone has different opinions, so i believe stick to what you want to take in and do what you feel is best you'll be allot happier.



But hey you were a first time mum to and not everyone is perfect and allot of things you would have learned for your self so let up on new time mums because it's there path not yours to mold.

[deleted account]

Having children isn't by the book i think i was pretty intelligent to figure that out before i had my first child.



I am a realistic person and being young& a first time mom didn't mean i was stupid and couldn't make the right choices based on my child's needs and wants.If i wanted help or advice i asked if not people could well assume i was very capable to handle being a parent of my child on my own.I parented my child and did fine. i never think now with two kids i no better than a first time mom or any mom.I am there if anyone wanted my advice but i don't no there children, as i am not there parent and if i gave advice it could only only be based on my experience with my kids.Not all children are the same.Just parent your own until asked to give help or advice and we would all be better off.You cant put labels on people because more times i think its does mothers you label that prove to do just better than what you might think.

Mary - posted on 01/11/2010

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Speaking from my own experience, it wasn't the advice that was the problem...it was the way it was delivered. I got wonderful advice when I became a mom. I also got some very bad advices as well. There were also times that I tried out some of the tips I was given for specific baby problems that did not work for me or my child. Helpful suggestions are usually welcome, however if your advice is given in the form of a berating remark or as a constant harrassment or "brow-beating" or as chronic, negative criticism, the person you're giving the advice to will probably reject it out of anger at you. If the new mommy in question won't take advice, don't force it on her. If she can't find a solution to a perticular problem on her own, she'll come back to you. My husband & I are from 2 very different cultures and our families view child rearing very differently. Once our 1st child was born the different viewpoints about child rearing became a big bone of contention, not between us--we began discussing how to raise our children long before we even got pregnant. But whenever we visited extended family. Some of my husband's family (not my mother-in-law) would harrass, brow-beat, even bully and threaten me everytime I did not do exactly what they wanted me to with my daughter. My family, would make snarky, belittling remarks to him, everytime they thought he was being over protective or a nervous daddy. So before you get angry or upset over this new mommy who is not taking your advice, is it really that important that she do so? Is the baby being harmed in any way by her doing things her way? The in-laws that treated me so badly over my new baby wound up destroying their relationship with me and my husband.

Angela - posted on 01/11/2010

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Most first time mothers I've known are exactly the opposite, and are willing to listen to advice. Those that aren't have a real shock coming when they encounter something they can't handle! Hope it works out ok for them and their children!

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