Why do first time moms.........

Ashley=) - posted on 01/11/2010

Having children isn't by the book i think i was pretty intelligent to figure that out before i had my first child.



I am a realistic person and being young& a first time mom didn't mean i was stupid and couldn't make the right choices based on my child's needs and wants.If i wanted help or advice i asked if not people could well assume i was very capable to handle being a parent of my child on my own.I parented my child and did fine. i never think now with two kids i no better than a first time mom or any mom.I am there if anyone wanted my advice but i don't no there children, as i am not there parent and if i gave advice it could only only be based on my experience with my kids.Not all children are the same.Just parent your own until asked to give help or advice and we would all be better off.You cant put labels on people because more times i think its does mothers you label that prove to do just better than what you might think.

Mary - posted on 01/11/2010

Speaking from my own experience, it wasn't the advice that was the problem...it was the way it was delivered. I got wonderful advice when I became a mom. I also got some very bad advices as well. There were also times that I tried out some of the tips I was given for specific baby problems that did not work for me or my child. Helpful suggestions are usually welcome, however if your advice is given in the form of a berating remark or as a constant harrassment or "brow-beating" or as chronic, negative criticism, the person you're giving the advice to will probably reject it out of anger at you. If the new mommy in question won't take advice, don't force it on her. If she can't find a solution to a perticular problem on her own, she'll come back to you. My husband & I are from 2 very different cultures and our families view child rearing very differently. Once our 1st child was born the different viewpoints about child rearing became a big bone of contention, not between us--we began discussing how to raise our children long before we even got pregnant. But whenever we visited extended family. Some of my husband's family (not my mother-in-law) would harrass, brow-beat, even bully and threaten me everytime I did not do exactly what they wanted me to with my daughter. My family, would make snarky, belittling remarks to him, everytime they thought he was being over protective or a nervous daddy. So before you get angry or upset over this new mommy who is not taking your advice, is it really that important that she do so? Is the baby being harmed in any way by her doing things her way? The in-laws that treated me so badly over my new baby wound up destroying their relationship with me and my husband.

Angela - posted on 01/11/2010

Most first time mothers I've known are exactly the opposite, and are willing to listen to advice. Those that aren't have a real shock coming when they encounter something they can't handle! Hope it works out ok for them and their children!

Bec - posted on 01/11/2010

because its there child and they know there child better then anyone else, and because you already feel like people are looking down on you like your not doing anyting right, if we dont ask your advice we obviously dont want it!

Bec - posted on 01/11/2010

because its there child and they know there child better then anyone else, and because you already feel like people are looking down on you like your not doing anyting right, if we dont ask your advice we obviously dont want it!

Brenda - posted on 01/11/2010

Well, it could be that times are changing. There are so much more information out there now days and sometimes 1st time mothers just want to learn on their own. Each child is different and in turn, each child has different needs. I know that when I had my son (as I now have 2 children), I had a hard time listening to my MIL's advice. I felt that I was being told what to do rather than getting the help I might've needed. Sometimes, we just want to learn on our own and not feel as though advice is being pushed...even if you aren't intending so. Just remember, she loves you and hears you even if you think she doesn't. ;)

Felicia - posted on 01/11/2010

I 24yrs old and i am a first time mom. my daughter is now 9 months old. It's not pride or we think we know it all. it is just that sometimes people who have gone through the experiences don't allow us to make mistakes and learn our own method for being a parent. And some people also don't give us advice instead they tell you what your doing wrong and demand you do things their way. At least thats what happens to me most of the time. They also may assume that we have never had experience with children before so we don't know what in store. It's okay to feel uneasy when you are being told how to do things just remember they are only trying to help.

Emily - posted on 01/11/2010

I know for me as a first time there are reasons I do or don't listen/want advice from others... a) the biggie is the moms who have kids and think it should be thier way or the highway, those I don't listen to no matter what they say they are my newest pet peeve... b) I love to get advice from my mom and my grandmothers... each of them have different veiws as they each have raised their own children different ways, somthings I take and go with others I let go in one ear and out the other as to the respect my mother and grandmothers deserve (they don't need to know that I hate an idea they have told me) also sometimes I get tips from them that all the "right" books web searches have said are out of date actually are the only things that have worked and well they were used on me and I'm fine :)... c) the final reason I think first time moms come off as know it alls (if they're like me) is that we learn best from trial and error and we want to try it our way and if we are doing that and an experianced mom butts in we feel offended and hurt like we are doing somthing wrong or are more or less being called stupid and who like that?

Robin - posted on 01/11/2010

Because I think they feel as if they are MY children I should know best !!

Kiaza - posted on 01/11/2010

I helped my sister raise 4 babys as we lived together for 6 years and we both learnt how to parent or raise a child together. Now that my baby is 3 weeks old I don't think I know it all even after all the expireience i have had, infact when i am very tired I struggle to know what my bub wants. Thats when i just go through the list and work out what she needs. hungry, wind, dirty nappy, hot, cold. and after doing a million things and she is still not happy i wrap her up in a light blanket nice and tight and rock her till she falls asleep. sometimes babys are just bored. as far as first time mums not wanting to listen, i think it is a case of not wanting to feel like we cant care for our children and we think we deserve the chance to figure it out like most other first time mums. How will we learn what our babys need if we are not just left alone to work it out but ask for advice when we need it.

Kiaza - posted on 01/11/2010

I helped my sister raise 4 babys as we lived together for 6 years and we both learnt how to parent or raise a child together. Now that my baby is 3 weeks old I don't think I know it all even after all the expireience i have had, infact when i am very tired I struggle to know what my bub wants. Thats when i just go through the list and work out what she needs. hungry, wind, dirty nappy, hot, cold. and after doing a million things and she is still not happy i wrap her up in a light blanket nice and tight and rock her till she falls asleep. sometimes babys are just bored. as far as first time mums not wanting to listen, i think it is a case of not wanting to feel like we cant care for our children and we think we deserve the chance to figure it out like most other first time mums. How will we learn what our babys need if we are not just left alone to work it out but ask for advice when we need it.

Kiaza - posted on 01/11/2010

I helped my sister raise 4 babys as we lived together for 6 years and we both learnt how to parent or raise a child together. Now that my baby is 3 weeks old I don't think I know it all even after all the expireience i have had, infact when i am very tired I struggle to know what my bub wants. Thats when i just go through the list and work out what she needs. hungry, wind, dirty nappy, hot, cold. and after doing a million things and she is still not happy i wrap her up in a light blanket nice and tight and rock her till she falls asleep. sometimes babys are just bored. as far as first time mums not wanting to listen, i think it is a case of not wanting to feel like we cant care for our children and we think we deserve the chance to figure it out like most other first time mums. How will we learn what our babys need if we are not just left alone to work it out but ask for advice when we need it.

Eileen - posted on 01/11/2010

I had my first baby at 19 and wasnt very keen on the advise from experienced moms but i was willing to listen and be taught specially when i was battling with something that was supposed to be so natural. I know for instance that i really battled to wind my son after he had a bottle and the way the pediatrician had shown me never got him to wind properly so he would land up screaming. My friends mom showed me a few different ways which i tried and i am glad to say it worked very well. I dont think that experienced moms mean any harm, the really mean well, we just feel that we need to make our own mistakes to learn and we want to be able to raise our children our own way. And i agree with Krista, sometimes their theories and things are really out of date.

Bonnie - posted on 01/11/2010

While most all techniques work for all kids, every mom know their child better than anyone else and that has a lot to do with it.

Monisha - posted on 01/11/2010

I think its coz we think we know our baby the best. Which is true!

Shel - posted on 01/10/2010

I wouldn't say stupid just inexperienced and eager to do it on their own

Melanie - posted on 01/10/2010

That would be all of the books they devour in the hope of being prepared. We ol' timers know that reading about how to settle a baby is like reading Cinderella, but it helps first time mums feel like they're in a bit of control, so just sit back and let them have their fantasy time...it will all go by the wayside once they've had child number two!

Lenka - posted on 01/10/2010

maybe it is because the advice keeps coming from all the different directions and it tends to be contradictory - if you hear five different opinions on one topic then it is a bit of a carryon to keep explaining why I picked that one way to do things, why it works for me and my baby and why something else might not. BTW I thought this a million times - why doesn't somebody offer actual help rather than all that expert advice if they are so concerned...

Sarah - posted on 01/10/2010

I think as a first time mom, you have just learned so much in such a short period of time. It's all so fresh in your mind. And then you run into people who are farther removed and it seems like they don't remember or really relate to the passion you are feeling in the moment.

Jennifer - posted on 01/10/2010

I think it's because it seems like it's a criticism instead of a helpful advice thing, sometimes. Plus I've gotten really bad advice, outdated or wives-tale stuff that isn't accurate.

Amanda - posted on 01/10/2010

I HATE when my mother in law gives me advice, b/c she does it in a way to make it seem like SHE knows everything and Im an idiot. 1st time moms want to be independent and do things their way b/c now its their turn. its more annoying than helpful when someones constantly "you should do this, you have to do that, thats b/c ur not doing this enough..." its annoying, not helpful, I'm not an idiot and i'd like her to BACK OFF.

Jocelyn - posted on 01/10/2010

this is coming from a first time mom... if we do not ask for advice.. please do not give it to us. i for one like to figure things out myself. my mother in law keeps telling my how much to feed my baby and when i tell her shes going to throw up she tells me that she raised five kids and knows what shes doing. well guess what... she overfeeds my daughter and she pukes. it has nothing to do with hating someone who knows more .. or thinks they know more or pride.. its about us knowing our own baby best.

Jackie - posted on 01/10/2010

I believe that each mom has read books and are really concerned to try the best way to take care of the baby. The latest fads in baby care bothers me...laying the baby on its back. A baby has a small airway and if they by chance have to spit up it may choke them. My kids are 29 and 24 and both of them slept on their tummies..they are able to lift their heads and scoot around early....the ideal for any baby is switch positions because no one would like to sleep in the same positions all the time. I have read a mom's story where she laid her 4 month old twin boys on their backs all the time...then had to spend 1 year having them wear helmets to reshape the back of their flat heads!



I have also seen "experienced advice" become a hurtful criticism to a new mom. Every baby is different and what worked for one may not be the only way for other babies. I would like to see new moms being encouraged for all the things they do right and try to boost a tired mom's confidence.

Amy - posted on 01/10/2010

I dont think giving advise to other moms is bad at all .But to a degree I believe .Some moms, friends that are moms ,mother inlaws ,Grandmas or whoever need to know their place they are not the parentsof that child .So i think when other moms try to give advise they think that those moms are not helping but telling them HOW to raise their kids .I think you shouldnt give advise UNLESS ASKED .

Amy - posted on 01/10/2010

I dont think giving advise to other moms is bad at all .But to a degree I believe .Some moms, friends that are moms ,mother inlaws ,Grandmas or whoever need to know their place they are not the parentsof that child .So i think when other moms try to give advise they think that those moms are not helping but telling them HOW to raise their kids .I think you shouldnt give advise UNLESS ASKED .

Amanda - posted on 01/10/2010

I listen to some advice, but I ignore others. My mom is very controlling and I dont listen to anything she says. Only because she wants to control everything I am doing, I hate that. And that is pride. My mother-in-law helps me out a lot and I take a lot of her advice seriously. But she isnt dominating, so I feel comfortable. I guess it just depends.

Shirley - posted on 01/10/2010

have you tried setting a goal for your child worked for one of my kids go on the potty 3 times in a row he got a wrestler that got expensive so the next one we tried the goal thing with stickers and that worked lol each time he went he got to put a sticker once he said bye to diapers for good we got him a toy

Shirley - posted on 01/10/2010

To be honest I remember being scared but some of the experienced moms were very pushy and I felt more of being "told" what do to instead of it as coming off as advice

Shameka - posted on 01/10/2010

I am a first time mom and I always ask other experianced mom for advise but some moms I give advise to I only listen to the women who took care of there kids because u have some moms that other people took of there kids and the think they know it all and I always wondered like how they think they vcan give someone advise and they didn't even take care of there own kids so its not all new moms I wish I had someone that knew how to take care of kids there so I could ask some questions I need help potty training my 19 month old is there any advise u can give

Patrica - posted on 01/10/2010

Honestly, I don't think it's about first time moms not listening to advice they're given. I think they listen, I think they hear all of it, but for whatever personal reasons, they pick and choose what advice to use and what to ignore. For me, with my first child, I truly wanted to prove that I could raise my child without help. It wasn't that I didn't want the advice, I was simply too stubborn to put much of it to use, thinking my "research" would offer all the help I needed, and that the methods people were giving me were outdated. With that being said, we each parent differently, and I think being brutal about "old school" parenting or techniques isn't very mature. I've heard many times to rub whiskey on a teething baby's teeth. I didn't do it, but that doesn't mean that those parents who did many years before were wrong. It was a method that worked for them. I've yet to see any studies about how this would negatively affect a baby. We're not talking giving a baby a full bottle of alcohol. To rub their teeth wouldn't require 1/32 of an ounce, it's simply a finger dipped, shook off, and rubbed on. And there are plenty of parents who still stick to this particular method. And let's face it, how many of us have heard of a child, who's parents did this, that turned out with developmental problems because of it? With time come new advances in everything, including parenting, and we should thank those that came before us for allowing those advances to happen.

Marisa - posted on 01/10/2010

I think for me, it was the way some people relayed the information to me. I did listen to some people,

Monica - posted on 01/10/2010

I think that sometimes the "advice" sometimes sounds more like put downs. It's so frustrating in general to raise a baby and when you have people saying that your hard work isn't being done right it's easy to get a defensive know it all attitude.

Janet - posted on 01/10/2010

I haven't read the responses, but I think the better question is why do nana's/MIL's think they know more than new moms. Yes, they've done it before, but in my case it's been 38 years and times have changed. Doctors know more and more research has been done in more areas. All moms are going to make mistakes, but we should be allowed to chose the mistakes we're going to make. Grandmothers should keep their opinions to themselves unless asked. I'd rather look to my contemporaries for advice.

Alison - posted on 01/10/2010

Best piece of advice I got was from my mom. She said, "Nobody knows your baby like you do. Give yourself a break. It's ok to feel overwhelmed and weepy right now. I'll walk with her, you drink this cup of herbal tea and go take a nap."



Worst piece of advice came from a woman I barely knew. After my eight-day-old son had been up all night and thrown up on EVERYTHING, I brought him into the doctor's office covered in a pink blanket that had been his sister's. It was 20 degrees (F) and it was all I had, and this lady growled at me, "You shouldn't do that. You'll make him gay." The worst part? She was SERIOUS.



Now I laugh about all of it, but when giving advice I try to remember will my advice actually help? If she's looking around desperately or seems to be in need, I'll say something. But moms know their babies best, and if they look like they have it covered, what I usually do is give them a sympathetic smile and say, "Been there. You're doing great."

Jane - posted on 01/10/2010

it all depends on how someone delivers it. also, it's their 1st. it's all new and it's hard to reconcile that while other moms have been moms longer, only you know your baby best. my MIL always says that she knows what she's talking about b/c she had 4 kids, true, but those 4 are her kids, not mine. i think it's also a lot of natural protective instincts come along w/motherhood and w/all of the fun hormones to deal with, we can get very much like a mother-bear. and isn't that wonderful!

Ruth - posted on 01/10/2010

I don't mind getting advice from others but it's all in how they deliver it too. Most advice givers are only trying to help and I think that's a lovely thought however if someone talks to me like I'm stupid then of course I'll get my back up, who wouldn't! Every mother is going to know her child more intimately than anyone else if she is the primary care giver and so sometimes I think Mother really does know best. There's no set way to do things either, a lot of the time it's trial and error until you find the method that works for you and your baby, as it is with most things. What works for one child may not work for another.

Shel - posted on 01/09/2010

This is true but most of us don't mean to be pushy we actually want to try and make the new transition as easy for you as possible

Kelly - posted on 01/09/2010

I am a first time mom and I don't mind advice.Actually I would love to have my mom near me so I could run to her if I needed advice but I don't have that. I actually enjoy hearing different feed back of what others do or have done,then I just use what works best for my family.

Sarah - posted on 01/09/2010

I admit that when I was a first time mom at 18 I thought I knew it all. I thought that it was going to be a piece of cake to have a baby. Boy was I wrong! What I had to learn, mostly on my own, was that you just have to take everyones advice and make it your own. Everyone is going to have their input and tell you how they think you should have/raise your baby because that's what worked for them. Every baby and mother is different, and what worked for one, may not quite work for the other. It drove me crazy with all the advice people think they have to cram down your throat when you're a first time mom. Not to make that sound mean, but some people get offended when you dont take their advice and run with it.



I also learned that just because you are a 'first time mom' doesnt mean you automatically are clueless. I am pregnant with no.3 now, and still think the way that I was with my first, wasn't totally out of the loop. You do have motherly instincts that kick in, and though they might not be like your moms, they're still your own. You know your baby best, and will do the right thing for them. I agree with some of the other posts saying that a lot of advice you get now from mothers, inlaws, grandparents, etc, worked for them a long time ago.. A lot of things have advanced since then.. I'm 22 and my mom said that ultrasounds really werent out yet or as popular as they are today..

Bronwen - posted on 01/09/2010

Experienced moms / mothers-in-law think THEY know it all! But we've "evolved" (for want of a better word) since 20 or 30 years ago, and often what they did with their little one no longer applies! I agree that babies still need to be fed, changed and bathed, and that hasn't changed, but no new mom NEEDS an experienced one telling her how to do it! Its instinct.

When I had my first child I listened to all the advice and if it was appropriate then I took it, but on the whole, I found that I got better advice from the ante-natal classes that I went to. They were up to date and provided a lot of important information that neither my mom nor my m-i-l knew (and my m-i-l used to be a nurse). On the whole, I think when instinct doesn't kick in, then new moms will ask for help, but they don't need it CONSTANTLY given ALL the time! I decided after I had my baby that I have only ONE piece of advice to give new moms.. "Do what feels right to you." It hasn't failed me yet.

Amanda - posted on 01/09/2010

Its the way some of them handle it..by being pushy and not letting you figure it out yourself. I like to learn on my own and not be pushed into doing what other mothers think i should do. every baby is different..even though mother in law has advice on what worked for her baby doesnt mean it will work for yours.

Sheila - posted on 01/09/2010

I think it is that we as women hate failure, we strive to be perfect because that is what society has made us think. So I say if someone can give you advice that can make your life easier then you need to listen, it's not admitting defeat. You are only at your weakest when you don't listen. No one knows it all but GOD. Hang in there even those of us who have been moms for years still needs someone to tell us what to do every now and then.

Alicia Rose - posted on 01/09/2010

I have 3 kids n I'll be the 1st 2 admit that I thought I knew everything there is to know about raising kids but I do not lol.................If someone gives unsolicited advice then the only thing u can do is listen and/or take it with a grain of salt. Yes!!!! there is wisdom from someone older than u, does it mean that they know it all, No!!! I let my mom/mom-in-law say what they wanna say but in the end it is my decision how I raise my children.

Melodee - posted on 01/09/2010

I did it! I just thought because I had been reading so much these other moms weren't up to date on things.Guess who ate alot of feet? I also sucked it up and apologized. If I only knew then what I know now.

Sarah - posted on 01/09/2010

More than likely it is because people are constantly shoving the information at you bidden or not and after a while you just don't want to hear it anymore. Eveyone thinks that they know best and feel the need to share with you when you may like to make those discoveries on your own or you are just tired of hearing it. That was it for me... I just got tired of hearing it.

Anna - posted on 01/09/2010

Quoting Cassie:

It is not the advice that is hard to take...it is the judgement put upon the first time mom.

I SO AGREE WITH THIS!!! Fantastic. Thanks Cassie :)

Adina - posted on 01/09/2010

Quoting Erin:



Each mother has the right to decide what advice is applicable to their child. Just because someone feels the need to state their opinion, or offer advice, does not mean a new mother is obliged to take it.






I agree. I think this idea applies to all aspects of your life as well. I was always told "If you wait until you feel ready to have kids, then you'll never have kids". Presumably because you never feel ready. I disagree-I knew what was 'ready' for me and my hubby and we did not let ourselves be rushed into it. And we couldn't be happier with the decision.



Perhaps the issue is not so much the advice as is the frequency or the method of delivery of the unsolicited advice. Someone else said that they have certain people they ask for advice (and I do too). I smile and nod to unsolicited advice in the off chance that something useful gets mentioned (happens once in a while). But generally, I know what I want for my family and perhaps someone else's advice doesn't fit with that. So if you find your self frequently ignored, there may be a different issue besides the advice itself.

Amanda - posted on 01/09/2010

It'sm not necessarily that first time moms are know it alls. They are in an arena where they have no experience and have thoughts/ideas on how htey want to raise their kids. I had a lot of tension with my mother in law because she thought she knew the best way to raise my kids and I did not agree. I think a lot of "experienced" moms tend to push their advice on first time moms because we think we know it all. It's one thing if someone asks for advice, quite another if you are cosntatnly butting in where you think the mom is doing something wrong. My thing to my mother-in-law was, if you see us throwing the babu out the window or in some way putting our son in danger, then you have the right to step in and say something. But just because I put my son to sleep a different way then you does not make me a bad mother. Now that I'm on number two, I have changed my views on parenting some, but because I learned from my first, not because someone told me I should do it this way or that. I think us experienced moms need to let first time moms find their way, much like we did.

Charlene - posted on 01/09/2010

I'm not a know it all, by any means, but if I don't agree with the advice, I am not going to take it. Actually.. I've run into more 'know-it-alls' that are seasoned moms, rather than new moms. They give you unsolicited advice, then when you politely disagree, they say that us 'young'uns don't know nothing' and that we are too caught up on the new methods and that their babies all turned out fine.

If I want your advice, I will ask. I did/still do plenty of research/reading and ask my Dr. plenty of questions so telling me that I am stupid or 'don't know nothing' is insulting. And yes, your baby may have survived, but that doesn't mean that I am going to listen to you when you tell me that it's okay to wipe whiskey on my teething baby's gums. (I am reluctant to give tylenol, so why would I give her alcohol?)

If someone tries to give me advice when I don't ask for it, it usually comes off as patronizing or criticizing. I'd rather ask for help when I need it rather than be bombarded by every 'been-there' mom who thinks their way is the only way to do it.

That being said, I usually do ask my mom/MIL for advice/opinion and sometimes, I take their advice over today's guidelines.

Like when my daughter screamed to the high heavens when she was put on her back to sleep, I took my MIL's advice and tried her on her tummy and she hardly even stirs when I put her down.

But when my Grandmother suggested I put sugar or honey on her sooky I flat out told her that I wouldn't because of botulism and that I was supposed to be very careful about her intake of sugar and salt. She of course told me I was foolish and that it never hurt any of her kids, but I wasn't going to take the risk.

All in all, if a mom hasn't asked for your opinion or advice, it's best to leave them to their own devices. We would like to be able to learn for ourselves.

Christi - posted on 01/09/2010

I personally love to watch my friends who are first time moms because it cracks me up. Most of the time i am thinking I remember that and also thinking wait till you have more you will get over that real quick. I am the type of person that I do not offer my opinion or advice unless they ask. Or if there child is in danger. But for the most part I think first time moms are so cute. I was the same way and all moms are to an extent. It is all a part of nature.