Why do I feel so hurt?

Vicky - posted on 01/15/2010

P.S People always show their true colours in the end, she will do this to others, you will need to be there for them, with a child like that she will have to find all the friends she can, as not everyone is going to put up with her for long, GOOD LUCK!!!!

Vicky - posted on 01/15/2010

Just walk away, she was no friend to begin with, its hard but you don't need that type of person in your life, someone else will come along who you can be best friends with, never talk about her behind her back with anyone, tell people the truth its the best way to go, you will be the bigger person, it might seem hard at first but everything happens for a reason, you did nothing wrong, hold your head high you are a great friend to people that are friends too you.

Margie - posted on 01/15/2010

Move on to new friends the friend that is ousting you is not being fair as you are the adult and she should have let you know she was upset.

Sheila - posted on 01/12/2010

Hi Sweety, it is so hurtful on both sides when this happens, I Believe if you say sorry to your friend and know God is within Her and you when you are saying it, the power is huge and wonderful things take place immediately. Healings have the same effect. Try it. If my help is needed contact me. Love Sheila Whatley

Yevette - posted on 01/12/2010

I agree with lisa, i think if she's that high maintance then your better off out of it especially if it's causing your own child to be mischievous or unhappy, because no matter if you confront her about it your just gonna make matters worse so let live, lifes to short so move on and so its a small town theirs always someone to talk to XXX

Helen - posted on 01/12/2010

If she's not prepared to discuss it with you - or accept an apology, explain how she'd like you to behave, and then give you another chance - then I fear she isn't worth the effort from you. If she gives no room for manoevre then the kindest thing you can do to yourself is to move on.



I have been in her position. My elder boy is very high maintenance, tantrums, etc, and went through a very difficult phase while I was pregnant when he was actually hurting other children in play situations. Some sharp things were said from a couple of other Mums but we have remained friends. However I suppose it has helped that my boy was diagnosed with Autism and that the psychologist praised all the methods we had been using (! Firm softly softly and restraining rather than shouting or hitting him, in a nutshell !) and also that my boy's behaviour improved enormously in the following year.



I'm sure I was pretty sharp when things were mentioned, I was certainly over sensitive, emotional and hormonal on a number of occasions that I know of - I was at the very end of my energy, patience and phyical and mental strength.



However I kept on talking to the friends in question and of anything I have become closer to them, and they seem to have developed more understanding for my situation.



I would write down how you feel and your thoughts, reasons, apologies, intentions, in a letter and give it to her and ask her to read it. If she doesn't respond then move on, just be polite when you see her but not open conversation. At least she did tell you what the problem was so you know why her attitude to you changed.



Helen

Victoria - posted on 01/11/2010

Thank you all for your posts and advise. I've decided to just move on and get on with my life. I feel that if she was a true friend she would have approached me about the problem in the beginning and it was very childish to ignore me and delete me from FB. I need strong people in my life, not people who play games.



I've seen her once since this all happened at a kids party and she just sat on her own most of the time. I didn't speak to her, no need as I had other friends to talk to there. My daughter told me after the party that the "high maintenance" daughter hit her twice, but she stood up to her. So my daughter doesn't want to see that girl anymore - to quote "I don't like Yassie, she is always angry and makes me feel sad. I like my other friends better." I couldn't have said it better myself about the girls mother.



It is her loss and even though it still upsets me, feel good about my decision.

Victoria - posted on 01/11/2010

Thank you all for your posts and advise. I've decided to just move on and get on with my life. I feel that if she was a true friend she would have approached me about the problem in the beginning and it was very childish to ignore me and delete me from FB. I need strong people in my life, not people who play games.



I've seen her once since this all happened at a kids party and she just sat on her own most of the time. I didn't speak to her, no need as I had other friends to talk to there. My daughter told me after the party that the "high maintenance" daughter hit her twice, but she stood up to her. So my daughter doesn't want to see that girl anymore - to quote "I don't like Yassie, she is always angry and makes me feel sad. I like my other friends better." I couldn't have said it better myself about the girls mother.



It is her loss and even though it still upsets me, feel good about my decision.

Jess - posted on 01/07/2010

It appears the daughter has learnt her tantrums from her mother ! If she is resorting to ignoring you and deleting you from facebook she clearly is not mature enough to handle the situation. As a mother I am protective of my daughter but as an adult I can handle conflict. Perhaps if you have mothers group style catch up each week you can have someone come and discuss dispute resolution and conflict resolution, even aiming it at the children will give a few subtle hints to this other mother.

Angelena - posted on 01/07/2010

I'd let this one go. As a mom, you can't really fault her for cutting you out if you "could have snapped" at her daughter. That was her protective instinct. Could she have approached you and talked out the situation, sure. But she didn't. If you feel like you really need to say something, speak from your heart and be sensitive to her "mommy reasoning".

Almira - posted on 01/07/2010

Ignore them too

Almira - posted on 01/07/2010

Ignore them too

Angela Lynette - posted on 01/07/2010

I AGREE TOTALY

Sam - posted on 01/07/2010

I think you are well better off without her, i think that when a child is in another adults care that adult should be able to tell the child what is right and wrong(within reason)

I have had similar friends in the past, who have children who cant do no wrong, when they clearly are.

As for removing you from facebook, that is totally childish, she should be able to talk to you like a adult, i understand you will see her around, so just be polite and say hi, but nothing else. You have to be an adult even if she cant, good luck, i wish you well for the future xxx

Stacy - posted on 01/07/2010

All you can do is apologize and hope your friend is really your friend. Hopefully she will come around.

Kim - posted on 01/07/2010

youve already approached her, let her come back to you

Kim - posted on 01/07/2010

I understand how you feel. This is the way I see it. The mom may not see that her daughter has an issue and taking it out on you because maybe she thinks her child is normal, well maybe by her standards. You did, as you should approach her and ask her what the problem is so tha you know, Wait did her daughter tell her mom that you said something to her or did the mom actually hear you say something to her?Either way thaeres a possibitlty that she treating you wrong for it and not being very adult like about it. She should have approached you and said , I dont like when you say this to my child....yadayada...

I was in a siuation once where my neighbor whom was never my friend to begin with, had this obnoxious boy the same age as mine. He used to do things that really annoyed my son so he would get sssssssssoooooooooo frustrated with him and didnt know how to make him stop, and he undrstood fighting is a no no, he called him and A hole, and the mom as did I caught him saying this a few times, and she told my son , if yur gonna keep talking like that you wont be aloud over here anymore, she must have seen the look on my face, she then told me maybe that will stop him. My son went through a no matter what you say I amgoing to borrow that toy anyway phase and my son barrowed something from a friend and the mom, a good friend of mine told me what happened, and we do say that were sorry to the other person, Chances are that she may not be a good friend, or she would possibly understand, cant wait to here the out come...good luck

Cindy - posted on 01/07/2010

That's why I have no friends

Samira - posted on 01/07/2010

Quoting Heather:

I'd talk to her, see if you can smooth things over. If she really is a good friend then she'll forgive, forget and move on. I can see where she is coming from though, that is her daughter, not yours, and only she has the right to discipline/snap at her. Even if it upsets your daughter, its still not your right to say anything to her. If you two make up and her daughter is doing something that bothers yours, maybe tell the mom.

I have to disagree with this. I think our children SHOULD be disciplined by our close friends- I feel it helps them to recognize that different people have different tolerance levels for any particular behaviour. Telling a child that something is bothering you and to "please stop" is not a bad thing. I would expect my friends and family to do this and show my child that his community is watching out for him- not just mommy. Whatever happened to "it takes a village"? You have every right to express to a child that you are not happy with their behaviour- whether you're their parent or not. It is everyone's responsibility to teach. Am I out to lunch here???

Nichelle - posted on 01/07/2010

Firt of all did she tell you about how you talk to her child or did someone else relay the message?

Often times people have a hard time accepting personality differences and how we handle things as individuals. If you want to try to salvage the relationship call her, but if she adds no value to you let it go! Actions speak volumes.

Penne - posted on 01/07/2010

I have had a similar problem before different scene but same end result. I tried to mend the fence and do whatever I could with no avail. I believe if she were a true friend she would have talked to you about it in the first place. I'm also sure she knows very well what her daughter is like and is blaming you instead of her daughter for her bad behavior. Just wait it out if she is a friend she will come around if not you don't need her. Just be civil when you run into her. My friend never came around and it's been 10 years, we are cordial anyway.

Jenny - posted on 01/07/2010

I'm guessing you feel hurt because you are a genuine caring person who values her friendships - that is a good thing - although it stinks that you are hurting. It sounds like you already have reached out to your friend to try to make amends (at the Christmas party). I think if I were you I would move forward and when your paths do cross, treat your friend like you would a stranger. When I say treat her like a stranger I don't mean act like you don't know her but rather do what you would do when you encounter a stranger - smile politely, maybe say "Hi, it sure is a beautiful day." and then go on about your business. There's no emotion or tension with strangers so my advice is to try to keep that approach in the back of your mind so you're ready when you do run into her. I hope that helps. Also, at age 4, kids and moms are a package deal. If your daughter is getting upset by the other little girl's tantrums and you now will have to worry about how you talk to your friend's daughter (and your friend's reaction to how you talk), I think it will save you a lot of grief to not have to interact with them anymore. Focus on the other women you are befriending (if she too is giving her the cold shoulder then move on with her too - she probably doesn't want to be caught in the middle and, in a manner of speaking, has chosen sides). Best wishes! There are other moms/friends out there.

Shuayie - posted on 01/07/2010

Well, think if you were in her place. If someone told off your daughter for something then you probably wouldn't appreciate it even if your daughter was acting "high maintenance." Kids are a reflection of their parents so it is probably the only way that this little girl knows how to act. That is something you should've taken up with her mother if you felt she was acting up. It is good that you approached her about it but if she can't discuss this with you like adults then maybe your friendship is better left this way.

Yvonne - posted on 01/07/2010

Move forward you dont need your daughter around people who dont know how to teach their children to have mannors before you know your kids will acting the same. It hard to learn by example, meaning you teaching your child how to act, and hers acting a fool.

Gretchen - posted on 01/07/2010

If the relationship is important to you, I would just confront her and apologize. I sometimes hurt my sister by saying things to my niece and nephew and I try to put myself in her place. It would really rev my engine if someone said something to my child! It is pretty immature to delete you as a friend on FB but go with the flow. What will be will be!

Schmoopy - posted on 01/07/2010

Move on.

Angela Lynette - posted on 01/07/2010

OH I CAN RELATE I HAVE A COUPLE OF NEW FREAIND S THEY ARE AWSUME BUT THEIR KIDS ARE AWFUL TO MINE TO THE POINT OF THEIR 6 YEAR OLD TRYING TO GET MY SON TO SHOW HER HIS PRIVETES AND SHOWING HIM HERS ITS HEART BREAKING AS SHE MAKES EXCUSES BUT DOES NOTHING I HAD TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN AS MY SON WAS UPSET I WAS STRESSING IT WAS A GAMBLE KIDS ARE STILL POOHS BUT THEIR MUM KNOWS HOW I FEEL AND DOSENT BRING THEM OVER ANYMORE ONLY FOR SHORT VISITS IF THE MUM GWTS HURT THAT YOU TOLD HER CHILD OFF MAYBE SHE SHOULD TAKE A STEP BACK AND THINK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR CHILDERNS FEELINGS

Colleen - posted on 01/06/2010

It's natural to feel all that you do especially since she didn't have the guts to approach you and discuss what the problem was outright. She's essentially a coward. As sad as it may seem it's not worth pursuing a friendship like that as you can never truely trust her to be honest with you ever again. For all you know she could be wonderful to your face but causing untold damage behind your back. She's what I call a 'high maintenance friend'. They will drain the life out of you as you continually pander to their whims and down play yourself and your children's achievements. You can never be yourself or share secrets with people like that anyway! It's just not worth the time and energy in the end. What you can do is ignore it all and move on. When you see her around town just smile brightly and greet her cheerfully as you walk on past. This will either make her realise the mistake she has made and allow her to make an attempt to patch things up or she'll just accept that if she doesn't greet back it will make her look like the 'bad mannered' one in the eyes of others. Hopefully this will ensure that she will not be an 'enemy' as such which will put your mind at ease. You will find other girls with kids who will genuinely want to be your friend, just be patient and continue to be you. A true friend will tell you when she feels you've over stepped a boundary and would expect the same from you. Get rid of the 'dead-wood' and move on.

Janice - posted on 01/06/2010

She is the one with the problem hold your head high she is making a rod for her own back if she is not gonna talk to everyone that her daughter annoys she is the one who will wind up with an uncontrllable brat and she will have no friends. It constantly amazes me that people are so gutless that they have to back out of friendships this way instead talking to you about the problem. For goodness sake the sky will not fall in if we stick up for ourselves!! She is hte loser here not you so chill out like I said hold your head high.

Melody - posted on 01/06/2010

To angie the chemical imbalance mother ,

Yes true, some children do have chemical imbalance in their brains ,as my cousins did growing up, but they weren't treated any different to me, if you indulge a certain behaviour expect trouble.
Children no matter what issues they have physically can still learn respect , I know children that are disabled mentally and physically ,and if they aren't doing the right thing I do pull them up, and tell them to stop that because (give a reason the child will undstand) children aren't made of glass, and leading a shallow, sheltered life " because" you as their parent treat them this way doesn't mean that is how everyone else will be so passive .
A really good mother has you prepared for anything life can throw your way, if the child gets away with everything, because they have an imbalance in their brain , they are smart and pick up on this fact very quickly, then you raise a disadvantaged child because everyone around you pick up on it too, that you have an excuse for your childs behaviour to hide behind, and diet control and the right medication will correct the imbalance, it's your job to correct your childs way of thinking it's ok to be abusive, because mum let's me be that way of thinking, because she has an excuse to be lazy and when other mothers know you condone that behaviour why would they want to be around you or your screamin , abusive kid, cause children do copy other children , and I wouldn't want no behaviour like that near me or my son, im raising my boy to be a well mannered gentleman , not screamin excuse using abuser!!!

Kerri - posted on 01/06/2010

People get very defensive when it comes you their kids. I would try writing her a letter, or e-mail and explaining and/or asking her to explain.

Melody - posted on 01/06/2010

Wouldn't worry because it's her with the issue, you can't change her , only yourself , what was it about the way you interacted with her child? Did u raise your voice to her child? What is the issue can't just answer u straight out,

Melody - posted on 01/06/2010

Wouldn't worry because it's her with the issue, you can't change her , only yourself , what was it about the way you interacted with her child? Did u raise your voice to her child? What is the issue can't just answer u straight out,

Leilani - posted on 01/06/2010

LOL!!!....I can understand being from a small town, not much of friends to have. But you will be surprised to find even a whole lot more and better friends on "Circle of Moms"...lol...you already did your part of making numerous contact with her but she kept ignoring and making excuses "she's busy." Then deleted you out of "Facebook" and that's taking matters to a much more lower level of being childish...a child learns from the parent. Unfortunately, again, it's not the child's fault. They only learn from what they see, their environment, and how they are raised. Your friend is an adult, and she sure is behaving worse than her own child...you did your part. Dont worry about it, there are a lot of friends you will be surprised to find on interested places such as Facebook. I have a friend now whom I don't even know. She was looking for a long time girlfriend of hers, she went to school with. Had the exact same first and last name as mine. Unfortunately, there are hundreds of "Leilani" out here especially in the islands. Well we started talking to each other and now we are good friends on "FB"...you never know. A town is a town. Facebook is another town where you will find more and interesting friends...LOL!!!...

Shelley - posted on 01/05/2010

I would not worry about her. If she wants to cut her nose of to spite her face then thats her problem. If you want to talk to her, tell her that, you are sorry if you upset her child, but you are only human. Humans are far from perfect and you cant change the past. Ask her to tell you what you did so at least you know why she is ignoring you! Thats just rude on her part to do that. She must not have been your real friend to begin with if she can ignore you like that she is not worth it.

Melanie Ann - posted on 01/05/2010

Victoria, I do understand how you feel. I have learned in life though that it is not what happens to us, but how we respond to it, that makes the difference. You choose if it is going to touch your heart or not. Responsability means you have the ability to choose your response. It is not about the children, what they did or the mother etc. It is all about how you respond. She obviously has issues of her own. Treat her the opposite of how she has treated you. You will help yourself and her. Forgive her and let it go so your heart can be healed of the hurt you feel. I could have saved myself a lot of tears and hurt if I knew this valueble lesson earlier in my life. I never realized that I actually brought it on myself. I hope this helps you as much as it helped me.

Desiree - posted on 01/04/2010

Like my mother always said "if you dont want someone else parenting your child then you better do it yourself!" Looks like your ex-friend had a rude awakening when you had to be the one to maybe put her child in her place. I know it hurts , but really dont feel bad. Eventually this parent and her skills were going to collide with your beliefs and there may have been a seperation in the making already. If it was not with you it would have been with someone else. If she was not mature enough to pull you aside and speak to you like a grown woman than think of it as a blessing she is no longer in your life. =) Keep your head up!

Tara - posted on 01/04/2010

Wow, some people have a hard time with saying what is on their minds and it sounds like your friend would rather turn her back than simply have an adult conversation with you. I can see why you are hurt, especially if this is a good friend of yours and a good friend of your daughter's.

Good for you for taking the first step to being open, honest and simply calling out the obvious; she is upset, why? Continue being honest about the situation and let her know how hurt you are over this. I have two small boys and sometimes they can act out and others times their friends do, there is nothing wrong with an adult addressing an out of control situation between two children especially when one is upset. Unfortunately not all parents will agree with this, but put the shoe on the other foot and see what happens.

Bottom line, continue being honest with her about how you feel and ask her to be specific about what made her so upset (to the point that she doesn't want to speak with you) about the way you spoke to her child. It sounds like you hold value in your friendship with her so I think that it is important to address her behavior towards you. In the end you may need to decide if this friendship is worth keeping; or will it also be high maintenance. Good luck!

Leilani - posted on 01/04/2010

It's not that "this doesn't help with the situation" but the fact that there's already two directions to the problem. For one, one parent refused to accepts phones calls from Vickie as she tried and tried to make efforts to contact her friend to clear the air if there is a problem why she's getting the cold shoulder suddenly. Two, some are assuming that she is that mean and on the "wrong" for snapping at the child but to go back and read what Vickie stated, didn't mention anything about snapping at her friend's child. All that's said was that "I could have but I don't remember" is not an admission but a thought that "I could have" but she didn't. It's like wondering if you if you remembered to turn off the stove after leaving your house but you don't remember. As someone else's commented that, "she snapped at someone else's kid and don't remember" criticizing her of her character as a habit of doing it to other people's kid. Nothing at all states that but "a thought" of her that "I could have" but she couldn't remember." You can respond to someone's remark without thinking how you are delivering the message and to the person receiving it determines how he/she receives it, and interpret it as either a threat and taking to a whole higher negative perpective or accept it as positive and normal respond. Depending on our level of maturity and understanding as adults. The second area is Vickie's friend deleting her from FB which is taking the small tiny problem that could have been resolved and squashed to another whole ugly level, by deleting her own friend who made efforts of contacting to talk to her, from FB. But for Vickie's husband to do the same, in deleting Vickie's friend from FB, look at it, Vickie's friend refused to accept that fact that someone else deleted her. I could understand Vickie's husband of deleting this friend to protect his wife but the subject and MAIN POINT here is the issue is between the two females. Vickie made the efforts and tried to understand what may have gone wrong. Her friend continued to ditch her and made excuses she's busy is mistake number one. Then to find out she got deleted by her friend, is mistake number two and now turning childish. YOU CAN'T EXPECT TO MAKE EVERYONE TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AND YOU CAN'T TAKE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN.

Debi - posted on 01/04/2010

I am sure you are not the only one that feels this way about her daughter. I would email her and tell her that you are sorry if you hurt her daughters feelings and you might have handled it different but she should beware that her daughter acts the way she does. Tell her you understand if she don't want to talk to you but that she should have come to you for your side of the story and asked why. But if she is the kind of person that thinks her kids do no wrong then it is not going to matter and I would try to find other moms to hang out with and count your blessings that you found out now that she is not what you want to have your kids learn from. Good luck and God Bless

Heidi - posted on 01/04/2010

I've had to learn the fine line of when to intervene with a friends son. They want my help and also want to handle it on their own terms. My suggestion... If you ever get into another situation where you want to do the right thing by your daughter and the other child -- you could bring the other child back to her/his parent and state what happened and let the parent know that it was upsetting your daughter. Then the ball is in the parent's court to handle the child. It's an extra step that shows you respect their position as the parent and let's the kid know you didn't like what they did and you took it back to the authority figure to handle it.



Not sure about the friendship. You asked her what is wrong. I assume you also asked how you could have handled her daughter's issues in a manner more acceptable to her. At some point you have to move on. I'd proceed as normal and show you care. It may turn around after time. If not, you'll be polite and keep up with the rest of the women.

Amanda - posted on 01/04/2010

Keep in mind, we all raise our kids differently. Don't take it to heart.

Kahlea - posted on 01/04/2010

obviously she isnt a true friend

Kylie - posted on 01/04/2010

this doesn't help in this situation, but I like to let people know early on in the friendship that I'd like them to discipline my kids if they see them doing something wrong and I don't notice. By saying that to them you usually find out how they feel about you telling their kids off. I don't think it's wrong to discipline someone elses kids if they are making another child upset, whether it's your child or someone elses, kids need to respect the fact that their parents aren't the only people that will tell them what to do in their lives.

Leilani - posted on 01/04/2010

LOL!!!...I think she already did and her friend kept giving her excuses as her statement says...she's made effort and her friends deleted her as a "friend on FB." But when Vikie's husband deleted her friend as well, as a friend on FB, her friend insisted to add Vickie's husband as her friend and not on Vickie...lol...that's interesting...lol

Monique - posted on 01/03/2010

I think it is the parents responsibility to disipline their child. But maybe she felt a little scared to approach you on her problem maybe just explain the way you felt that you little is upset by her daughter screaming?

Janine - posted on 01/03/2010

your better off without her friendship but if you do see her about just act as if nothing has happened

Janine - posted on 01/03/2010

your better off without her friendship but if you do see her about just act as if nothing has happened

Britney - posted on 01/03/2010

I had an issue once with a "friend" about a very similar issue. We were spending time in her backyard and her daughter, who was almost 5 at the time, was throwing water at my son who wasn't even a year old. I asked her daughter to stop and she completely ignored me. I looked at the father, but he was more concerned about his cigarette. I didn't yell, but I did raise my voice and asked her stop, again, and explained to her that she was going to upset the baby. I thought that was the end of the issue until she called me that night and said that we need to have a talk about how I "parent" her children. (????)

I listened to what she had to say and did not argue with her. I apologized and carried on with my life. We have only seen eachother once since then (that was about a year and half ago). I new that was the end of the friendship once she started about the situation in the back yard. I don't want to be friends with someone whos morals and sense of what is right and wrong are that different from mine. It's fine if she wants to raise her daughter with thinking that it's ok to throw water at a baby, but it's not fine if it's MY baby. Of course, there were other issues as well, but that was the one that tipped the iceberg.

Judy - posted on 01/03/2010

if she cant talk to you about these issues or any other issue then I am sorry to say she is not a friend you would like to have anyway