Why do people look down on young moms?

Linda - posted on 02/09/2011

I have heard that if you wait until you can "afford" to have a baby -- you NEVER will!

Lyndle - posted on 02/09/2011

Hi Liana, everyone has an opinion, I think as long as you are happy being a young mum then it will shine through and people will envy you if you are actually a good mum and enjoying being a parent. I get the same but for being an older mum (42). eh... that's life :o)

Jessicka Ivy - posted on 02/09/2011

Honey, most people are judgmental. Misery loves company, avois thoes people and when you encounter them don't give them a second thought. Same goes to some of the rude posts that you received in this forum as a reply.

Catie - posted on 02/09/2011

First and foremost, the people that look down on you for your age, need to take a look at the family tree, their parents were likely young when they were born. Just 30 years ago it was completely socially acceptable for a woman to have a baby at 17 or 18. Tell them to mind their own business. Your baby is happy and healthy, and that's what matters.

As a young mom, I don't feel like I am looked down upon, but sometimes not taken as seriously. I belong to several mom organizations, including PTO for my daughters school, and once people learn my age, I am usually treated much differently. People assume I am older because I am married with a child, but that is their own issue. I do not let the way people feel about me and view my choices affect how I raise my daughter. I know it can be hard, but just tell yourself, that those people are not who matters.

Susan - posted on 02/09/2011

Hi Liana; I was 18 when I had my first, and 19 when I had my second baby. I remembeer well those 'looks' and some of the comments I heard, made me cry. I'm now a great-grandmother. When I see a young mom I always make it a point to say somewthing about your beautiful baby, etc. I may look at them funny because I'm amazed how young you young people are getting. No disrespect meant.. I guess as we age, people look younger and younger to us.Even the guys! But I love to talk with young mom's because there are so many new things going on. Sometimes they even ask advice! So just ignore those old ladies and concentrate on raising your wonderful child. They are 'your' future!
Susan

Tika - posted on 02/09/2011

They do, or young looking mom's. I had my first when I was 23, and I always got evil glares...im guessing because when I was 23, I looked 16. I have always looked young. But I know some girls that had kids at a young age, it really opened there eyes and they grew up real quick and have very well behaved well mannered children. But some,(like on MTV) are very careless with their child, they are always sloppy and unkempt and are uncontrolable or scared of everyone....Those few bad apples spoil the whole bunch.

Amanda - posted on 02/09/2011

I totally I agree with you I was 18 when I got pregnant too and 19 when I had her. But i agree I think I can do more stuff with her than an older woman can with their children. I am able to run around play when older mothers cant! My daughter is healthy, loved and cared for just like she should be. So I dont understand why people have to judge us young parents.

Beth - posted on 02/09/2011

I think they're all right. We all get judged for every reason under the sun. It's not right, but it happens, and I completely see where you're coming from. I got married fresh out of high school and immediately wanted to have children. It took well over 2 years to manage that, but when it happened, the looks started. Why? Because I don't look my age. Puberty wasn't kind to me, and because of that, I still look like a teen, and I'm almost 32 now. I used to get the worst looks with my 2 daughters following me through stores. Little old ladies would look at me like I was some kind of... Well, never mind. You get the idea. And it was offensive! Who cares what they all think! You're right, being young doesn't mean you can't be a great mom, and the fun part is being young enough to grow with your children. I've enjoyed that part. My girls are two of my best friends, and I love every bit of it. To hell with what others may think. Be happy, enjoy being a mom, and let them talk. It's THEIR problem, not yours, hun. ^_^

Jennifer - posted on 02/09/2011

I was 24, married, and had a college degree when I had my son. People thought I was 14, and a girl offered to give me her phone number in case I needed help with the new baby, and then made a comment about seeing my mom at the hospital and knowing that I'd be "ok" with my mom's help. She had good intentions, but felt awful when she learned my true age. When my son was old enough to be taken out in public, an older lady at the mall looked at me and said (not to my face), but loud enough for me to hear it and in a very hateful tone, "BABIES HAVING BABIES!" I went home crying. I'm 28 now, and people now think I'm 18, and still make hateful comments and give me dirty looks. I even had a middle school kid tell me there was no way I was older than 18. So... that being said, it's none of their business how old I am or when I had my child. I don't have to show my birth certificate, wedding ring and my ID or Parenting's License to prove I'm a good mother. My son tells me every day "I love you mommy." and I tell him every day that I love him, even though I may not always love his behavior. Good luck to you. :)

Stacie - posted on 02/09/2011

I was 21 when my daughter was born and other mom's always acted surprised that we had it so "together" and I was so committed to her. It wasn' t always negativity.
If you ask me it's an American culture thing. Like young women should be irresponsible or something. Women all over the world have children in their late teens and 20s raise their children and support their families.

Lynn - posted on 02/09/2011

I think a lot of it is because people assume when you are young and have a child that you automatically live in social housing and live off the welfare and lets face it,thousands of people do. I know people who have 8 kids by 5 men, or 3 kids by 3 men and have never worked a day in their lives and live off govt money but on the other hand, there are many young people who have a baby,go on to college and manage to be wonderful loving parents at the same time.
It's life,some of us are great parents, all of us have to learn and make mistakes as we go (no matter what our age) and we will all find our way and hopefully turn out productive members of society in years to come,but you can't worry about people judging you, they will always do that,all you can do is go on with your life,do the best by your child and forget other people,in the grand scheme of things, they don't really matter.

Chyrise - posted on 02/09/2011

Hang in there and never let those disapproving looks get you down! I was a young mother also (younger than you actually) and I worked my tail off to make sure I was a good mother. Looking back (my kids are now almost grown) I realize that I worried too much about those disapproving stares and was sometimes harder on myself and my children than really necessary, just because of those judgmental people..... Don't, don't let anyone ever put you down. You are doing the best you absolutely can do with what you have- and really that's all anybody can do, no matter their age. So give that baby girl all the love you can and forget the negative nellies. :)

Tracy - posted on 02/09/2011

Good on you! My sister was a mum at 16 and I was so proud of her and her partner for getting it together and they would have to be one of the best set of parents.

Tanya - posted on 02/09/2011

I had all three of mine after 35 and people look down on us older moms and think we waited to late to have the energy to keep up with them. I don't worry about what other people think and just work my hardest to be the best mom I can. You should do the same!

Kathleen - posted on 02/09/2011

Liana, try to ignore people like this, don't let them affect how you feel about being a Mom. Age has NOTHING to do with how good or bad a Mom you are. I was a mom at the ripe old age of 16, this was back in the 60's, both my children are grown and healthy with children of their own, and I thank God every day for my Family.
Kat....

Jess - posted on 02/09/2011

I TOTALLY get it.. I was 18 when I got married, 19 when I fell pregnant, 20 when I gave birth. I'm now 23 with two kids, still happily married with some of the best behaved, most love kids you'll ever meet. Life is good. But some people just think that thats just 'impossible' or 'silly'. Some of the most incredible mothers I have ever known have been VERY young. I have a friend who had her son at 16... and raised him all by herself. He is now 19 and one of the most amazing young men I have ever met. I'm pretty sure its safe to say her age didn't hinder her from being an incredible mother. YAY FOR YOUNG MUMS!!!!! :D :D

Jennifer - posted on 02/09/2011

it does seem no matter what one does these day you get judged by others. I also was a young mother having my eldest at the age of 19. he is now 13 and my 2nd son is 11. But i now also have a 6 month old and peole would ask why on earth would i want to have another child now that my boys are so old. Oh well what can you do just smile and nod and not let it bother you. :)

Nicole - posted on 02/09/2011

I think it's that some people think young mothers are immature and only care about partying and themselves..... If you take care of your child like your supposed to then I would not worry about what others think, they don't know your story... :)

Kim - posted on 02/09/2011

I had the same issue I was 19 when I got pregnant 20 when I had her. I was shopping at shoplifting when an older lady came Unglued. Yelling at me telling me I was to young to have a baby saying I was unfit cause I hadn't finished college...blah blah then the lady was implying I was 15. She even asked for my ID! I just simply blew her off! Nobody has the right to judge! Everyone has their faults. Don't let them get to you! Keep your held high!

Lindsay - posted on 02/09/2011

I hear you!!! I People are so ridiculous. I had my first son at 21, and now have my 6 month old at the age of 32. The problem is I look like I am about 16, and people are not afraid to say it. I get approached by random strangers CONSTANTLY, and asked questions like "Is that your baby?" "Are these your little brothers?" or " You can't be old enough to be the mother of these boys!". It is totally rude and inappropriate. What business is it of anyones. If my children are clean, well dressed, and well behaved, who gives a darn how old I am. When I had my first son, things got so bad, that I pinned a sign to his stroller that said "My Mom is 21 and perfectly capable of raising me, so kindly mind your own business" lol. Now I am rude right back and tell people " I am 32 years old, yes this is my baby, and this behind me is my 11 year old. I just look young." then I walk away as they babble on and on about how much I will appreciate my youthful looks when I get 'older'. Mind your business everyone!!!

Jane - posted on 02/09/2011

You know what it may not be a disapproving look - it may be that is just their usual face!!
I often get 'looks' when out with my daughter. I'm in my 30's, got older boys and younger daughter. I get most 'looks' when just out with my daughter, when I was mid 30's. I dress well, my daughter generally looks well cared for, but I still get 'looks' So don't just assume it's because of your age - that is your hang up - not theirs!
I find smiling is great - usually get a smile back (but not always) Let it roll - focus on something else - if you are a good mum does it matter if you are 19,29 0r 39? Stop focusing on it unless someone discusses it directly with you.

Katherine - posted on 02/09/2011

I dont feel it has to do with you being a good mom or not. I feel they do it because they feel you wasted your life and that you are too young to be a parent.
I had gotten alot of stares just like my sis who was 17 when she got pregnant, i was 20 when I got pregnant. My pregnancy was palnned not my sisters. it doesnt even matter if it was planned or not. they still judge.
I stopped caring because its not their life its mine. sure its messed up because they dont live in my shoes.

Kristy - posted on 02/09/2011

I felt the same way when I was younger, I had my son when I was 20. When he was 3 I put him in Preschool, and was the youngest Mom there. As much as I tried to talk to the other moms, involve myself with their "group", they never accepted me. It hurt my feelings, but I got over it! And when I had my daughter, I was 24, same thing, lol! Even though I was older, and more the "age" of the other Moms, I look younger than I am. So I went and befriended the 2 younger Moms there, who actually felt the same way I did years ago with my son.
It's true, people are always going to judge, whether it be your age, your parenting style, or anything else they can find to feel better about themselves because THEY think their way is the ONLY way! I say if it isn't affecting your child, just let it go, and know that there are other Moms that are not so judgy, and we are actually nice, lol!

Michelle - posted on 02/09/2011

Its not that people look down you, or even think are less a mum. It is more likely that older, more experienced mums see you as missing some of the best years of your life. Between 18 and 28 you are still trying to figure out who you are, let alone teach someone else who you are. It would more likely be a look that represents pity for missing out on being a kid yourself, definately not that you are a lesser mum. Good luck with the challenge, hope you have found my comments to be enlightening, not insulting :)

Cathy - posted on 02/09/2011

I am 61. When I was your age, 18-21 year old Moms were considered the norm also women usually got married when they were youn ger than they are nowadays. I also had my youngest at age 35 and I got disaproving comments for that, too. Don't look for approval from everyone because it's never going to happen and you don't need it anyhow. These people have their own issues that have nothing to do with you.

Vanessa - posted on 02/09/2011

I understand. I was 20 when I got pregnant with my son and 21 when he was born. I look like I am 20 now and I am 24 and have 2 children, I see so many older moms looking down on me. And most of the moms think I am a single mother because my husband is deployed. Just hang in there!

Nancy - posted on 02/09/2011

I had my daughter at age 41, and I always felt older-than-the-norm mothers got harshley judged and looked down on by a lot of people as well, which is equally unfair. Just because someone does something that is different from the norm does not mean it is bad. What matters is their attitude toward their child(ren).

Briley - posted on 02/09/2011

I also choose to become a young mother at the age of 18. I have gotten many snotty looks and "over heard" comments about my age and parenting. Little do they know I am a great mother of 2 daughters 2 years apart. They are 14 and alomost 12 and I'm still doing a great job. I honestly think it's better to be a young parent. We have a better view of the world around us.

Pattie - posted on 02/09/2011

I feel the exact same way you do only on the opposite spectrum. I am a foster parent and our now adopted son came to us when he was a day old and I was 39. The looks of confusion and sometimes questions about if he is my grandson can be a little disconcerting.

Bonnie - posted on 02/09/2011

You know in the end age is just a number. It doesn't really mean anything. The love you give your child, your knowledge on caring for your child, and your child's happiness should be all that really matters.

Nancy - posted on 02/09/2011

I'm sorry to hear that people look down on you. They shouldn't. I don't think the age of a mother has anything to do with how much love she has to give her child. I'm sure you're doing a great job, and congratulations!

Jodi - posted on 02/09/2011

I wonder if anyone sees the irony of the reverse discrimination - the fact that many, in their attempt to express their views in disapproving of the judgement of young mothers, they are judging and making comments about older mothers that are also not that flattering? You guys crack me up.

Lisa - posted on 02/09/2011

I was 22 when i had my daughter, and since the nurses in the hospital where older, i got looked down on because i was young, But not only that, my grandma didnt expect me to fall pregnant or start trying till i was 30, so maybe that was the thing back in the day, to have kids when you were older?? either way, if your happy, who cares! enjoy your little angel, im sure shes a cutie!

Debbie - posted on 02/09/2011

My niece had her son 3 days before she turned 17 and she is a better mom than most people in thier 30's and 40's. We are all so very proud of her.

Shannon - posted on 02/09/2011

Dont let what people say or think to/about you. If you let that bother you. If you do, it could hurt you in the long run. I thought having my daiughter a 20 was young and ended up listening to EVERYTHING I heard. Here I am 8 years later, still struggling to be independant. i'm sure you are a good Mom. Age has nothing to with it. Love your child. protect your child. Do what you think is best for baby. everyone will always have an opinion of you as a young Mom. You'll be fine! Keep up the good work, girl!

Suzanne - posted on 02/09/2011

Probably because statisically the younger you are as a parent the more likely you are to not stay in the relationship you were in to get pregnant, less likely to pursue and finish a college education (or even high school), less likely to get a well paying job, more likely to require govt assistance, etc etc etc
So yeah there are reasons.But all you can do is be the best mom you can be but understand that by making a decision to have a baby at such a young age you are putting yourself and your baby in a situation that provides for less opportunities in life.

Sheree - posted on 02/09/2011

People judge all the time sounds like you are the best mother ever. I'm a young mum too and understand what u mean :-) keep doing what your doing

Mary - posted on 02/09/2011

sometimes people just don't know what to say. I have to admit I'm a little jeolous. I am concerned what women your age are going to think of me at 40 dropping off my baby at the same daycare as one of you. But really it doesn't matter. God chose an older mom to be this baby's mother and a younger mother for my daughter (11) and son (14). I wish you all the best and just enjoy the opportunity to be the main influence in your daughter's life and not the lady that you don't know at the store.

Cherie - posted on 02/09/2011

I am now 51 yrs young :).
I had my first child 3 months after my 17th birthday and remember all these older women (20+) in the nursing home looking and whispering behind there hands. I knew they all thought I was unmarried.
Little did they know, I married at 16.
I now have five grown young men aged 34, 31, 27, 25, 21.
I have a wonderful relationship with them, the oldest being one of my closest friends.That came about from growing up with him.
Don't get me wrong, I missed out on a lot of experiences my friends had ie: flatting, traveling, career.. And it hasn't been easy a lot of the time.
But at the end of the day, we all have choices. Like you, I chose to have my children young and haven't regretted it for a minute.
I am now out there living life to the full and still young enough to make the most of it.
No one has the right to judge you for your choices.
Hold your head high and give those people your biggest and best smile.
My advise to all Mums with young children........
Enjoy your children while they are little...the bigger they get the bigger the problems. When there older you can no longer fix it with a kiss and a cuddle.

Missy - posted on 02/09/2011

Dear, I was 19 when I had my daughter, 28 when I had my son, Jonathan, and 42 when I had my Son, Michael, with each age you gain a different perspective, I use to be the youghest mom at most functions, now I am one of the oldest. Maybe your just reading something different into it!, Just do the best you can, Like you said surround with love,
Just be the best mom you can be, and if so ask for help sometimes, older mothers do the same. Good Luck, Blessings

Bobbie - posted on 02/09/2011

I wasn't able to read your post to my reply. Bobbie Bailey

Jennifer - posted on 02/09/2011

I think people just don't believe that someone as young as you is capable of being a young mom. My daughter-in-law was 19 when she had my grandson, and she is a great mom. I think people forget, that back in the day, girls were usually married by the time they were 15 or 16. If they weren't married by 20, they were considered a spinster.

Carol - posted on 02/09/2011

You may go through that for some time...especially when in public or private because many people believe that they could do better than us (young mothers) because their circumstances are totally different than ours. I have been parenting for 28 years, 23 years, and 12 years...I am only 43 years of age, but I have accomplished above and beyond through work, school, and my community. I went to nursing school, became a paralegal recently, and I am now part of an honor society that acknowledges my status around the world. I am being contacted by Universities all over the world now because of my resilience and determination to ignore what society and/or my peers comments were pertaining to my parenting status. I will always be a teenage parent, and I advocate for all young mothers to continue on in their goals and aspirations in life in order to be productive for their children. You will love and appreciate the day when what your children believe about you when they are grown...is what really matters. You can not live for society, as long as you and your daughter are happy.

Linda - posted on 02/09/2011

Liana:

I just had to laugh because I couldn't agree MORE! I was a very young mother at 15. I married the first boy I kissed, He was 17 and our parents separated us when they found out we had sex. Oh My! They sent him to Alaska and I stayed in California. Then we had this long distance letter writing relationship. After a year my Mother suddenly died of unexplained causes. His parents felt sorry for me and brought him back. At 15 I became pregnant. He went into the Army to support us. I had a baby girl at 15 yrs. and 10 months -- so I was almost a 16-yr.old mother. But, I was married with an employed husband. On our daughters first birthday, he got orders to be shipped out to Viet Nam. Sad times in the 60s. He was gone for 13 months but did make it back and was home to see all the firsts for his daughter.
Many times people would comment on what a cute sister I had. But I have to say that because I knew I was so young and under such scrutiny, I tried much harder then, than most young mothers do now. We didn't have a welfare system to help us out so we learned to do things like our mothers. Plant a garden for food, sew clothes for our babies, and hide the dishes under the sink because we didn't have a dishwasher - lol
And because I was so young I loved watching Romper Room with my daughter and cartoons. Now those shows drive me crazy. So you are correct -- Young Mothers ROCK in my opinion.

Deborah - posted on 02/09/2011

hi liana, i would hope those looks you may be getting are mostly not real.i know how you feel though i had my first one at 15 and 4 by the time i was 21. well,you might guess i didnt go to high school even. i didnt learn to type either,this is my training myself lol,but life has taught me alot now that i'm nearing 60.i ended up with 9 kids and now have 22 grandchildren and 3 greatgrandchildren.life is great but if i could change one most important thing it would be ,i would have listened more to my mother and grandmother , who only tried to help me because i was so young. if people really are looking at you dissaprovingly,then shame on them because they should never judge you. young people need our love and encouragement and support more than anything. i felt like you do now and i didnt feel like i fit in anywhere. my old friends from school were doing their own things and wern't interested in me anymore and almost ALL of the women i knew from church and wherever were so much older than me that i really didnt fit in. it was kind of lonely but just focus on your baby doll and except help and occasional advise from your loved ones around you. i wish i had,but i was the one with the problem and i resented anything anyone said because i was a little ashamed of what had happened.i'm not saying you are ,only be happy if your family is involved with you and your baby and remember it really does take a whole village to raise a child. i never quite understood that until i was about 40 lol.see, i really was a slow learner. dont look back,only forward and you'll do just fine. good luck sweetie ! ,from the old lady who now, knows :)

Brenna - posted on 02/09/2011

I also was pregnant at 18, 3 months after getting married (people judged me for that, too, but that's another can of worms). When I had our son at 19, strangers' responses ranged from unsolicited but kindly advice to flat out telling me that I was doing it wrong in that tone that clearly stated my supposed wrong parenting was only because of my age. (Of course, I probably wouldn't have had so much trouble if it wasn't best for our family unit to have an irregular schedule matching my husband's evening shift, something I still get clucked at about... like I simply was too inexperienced to realize that it was better for my son to have a normal schedule and not see his daddy at all except on weekends.)



The good news is, once we had baby #2 a couple years later, the judging stopped. (I'm not sure if I just look older now or if they saw my older kid as a badge that I knew what I was doing.) The bad news is, I continued to be judged until then.



The interesting thing was that the same strangers judging me would look fondly on my husband when he was with us. Like he was admirable for not abandoning his kid. (Don't get me wrong, he is, but it isn't that much of a cool thing when you know him; that's just who he is.)

Megan - posted on 02/09/2011

I think some of them are just bitter because they waited too long before choosing to have children. You definitely have the advantage of having more energy but I do not think that makes you any less of a good mother then an older mother. My thoughts and blessings are with you and your sweet baby girl! I know quite a few friends who became mom's in their teens and they are very good moms.
Meg

Talia - posted on 02/09/2011

Unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone, at any time. It can happen even if you're as responsible about sex as possible. I wonder, for those people who look down on young moms, what their answer would be when asked their opinion on abortion? Given the facts... "about 49% of all pregnancies are unplanned" and that "48% of women under 44 have experienced unplanned pregnancies, 50% of those ending in abortion".... Those people should probably just wrinkle their nose at every second women (and man!) they see! :P

Christine - posted on 02/09/2011

Oh! I know that disapproving look you`re referring to oh-so-well! I too, was 18 when I became pregnant and 19 when I gave birth to my daughter. Not only have I received looks, but people have made nasty comments (mostly middle-aged and older women). I am 22 now, my daughter is 3, the age difference is not so noticable. When I was 18, I basically living in what you'd call...grinding poverty and probably projected that, and unfortunately people judge. However, even just 3-4 years later, I've worked hard and things are much different, people hardly notice how young I am and its not such a big deal. Its still unfortunate that I let their snide comments should get the best of me in the first place. I still get judged, except now its for other things now (being a single mother in general, putting my daughter in childcare so I can go to school -- ''good mother's stay home with their young children'', choosing french education for my daughter ''that's stupid, she'll never learn to read and write in english'', eating healthy and organically as possible...``she should be able to eat like a kid`` -- who decided that kids should suck back refined sugar all day and eat crappy food in the first place??) I don`t know why, but some people think that things are their business when they`re really not). Try not to let it get to you, it will pass. Then there will be something else, lol.

Cyndi - posted on 02/09/2011

I didn't have any children until #1 my second marriage and #2 into my 30's! I get told and asked frequently "why did you WAIT so long?" it doesn't happen to just the young. I didn't wait it was Gods will and the right couple to raise these 2 beautiful children, I just smile and walk on by. It also is NONE of their business.