Why do people think they have to get married if they get pregnant?

Alyssa - posted on 08/05/2010 ( 218 moms have responded )

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I got pregnant at 19 and my grand mother begged me to marry the baby's father. They are apart of a church and they said if I didnt I would dishonor the family name. I refused to marry and so they told the church we got married anyways. Why do people think they have to? It doesnt make any sense to me. It's the 21 century.

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Janet - posted on 08/06/2010

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Hi girls- I'm a mom of 5, married 35 years. Yes it is definitely worth it to get married. Being a parent is an unselfish relationship. If you are only interested in what satisfies you, you will never be happy. yes you do have to give up some of yourself to marry a husband, but what is life worth if you don't make any committments? God planned for each child to have a mom and dad, not only so that child would be nourished, physically, emothionally, spirtually, mentally, but that the parents would also enjoy the fullfillment of partnering together to grow this new life. That's why he says in his Word that children are a gift. I definitely agree. Put your selfishness aside and focus on making someone elses life full - your own life will be so much richer!

Krista - posted on 08/06/2010

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No, it's definitely not wrong or pathetic to believe in marriage.

When it comes to kids, however, marriage is but one factor. A child from a non-married or single household isn't automatically going to be suffering or lacking. And a child from a married household isn't automatically going to be happy and well-adjusted. There are so many other factors at play. Personally, I think what carries more weight is stability in the household. I think that a single-mother household can result in very happy well-adjusted kids as long as there is stability and security there. Being in a HAPPILY married household certainly does provide some stability and security, yes. But marriage, in and of itself, is not the magic solution to happy kids.

[deleted account]

I'm not married anymore. My kids no longer have a 2 parent household and they ARE in fact suffering. No, getting married isn't a guarantee of anything these days... unfortunately. Doesn't mean it's wrong or pathetic to believe in marriage.

Rebecca - posted on 08/06/2010

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I've read through a few posts and i have to say i am a bit disgusted with some replies saying that a child needs 2 parents and if they aren't married the child suffers. I'm sorry, but i am not married but i am with the father of my kids and plan to be forever. Marriage does not magically make you stay together forever sorry but like you said it is the 21st century and to say marriage will make your kids happy you are wrong.
The divorce rate is much higher now then the previous 20 centuries and why...because people now get married under pressure because they have a child.
Yes i would love to get married, who wouldn't, but i'm not going to get married to be "accepted" by some stranger who thinks my relationship wont last just because i'm not married. We have been together for 5yrs and have overcome many obstacles(death of family,miscarriages and finally being successful 2 times) THIS is what keeps people together. Sure we don't say "i love you" EVERY day and EVERY time we see each other, but we know we love each other. When he is gone(he is military) we say it every time we get a chance to talk. Sometimes we feel like we are just 2 parents and other times we feel like we can actually spend some time together and have the time for that, but our kids come before all and it will whether we are married or not!
It is a piece of paper and you know what, if things don't work out between us, it will be a hell of alot cheaper for us to part ways then those who get married "just because".
Don't feel the pressure, just keep loving your kids and that's ALL that matter.
My mother married my father before she had my sister and myself. My mother left my father when i was 2 months old because she found out he was sexually abusing myself and my sister...see bad things DO happen to people who are married as well and i can tell you that my mother being a single mother was THE BEST decision she could have made for us!!!
Shame on those who say the child suffers if you aren't married, that's pathetic!!

Angie - posted on 08/06/2010

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I guess I'm a throwback from the past. With that said, I don't think pregnancy is a good reason to get married. I take it a step further; I don't think couples should be having babies until they are married (no they should abort any child they conceive). Yes, it's the 21st century but for 20 centuries, people are known that it's best for the CHILD to have two parents - a mom and a dad who are committed to each other. When these relationships break up, it is the child (who is innocent) that suffers most.

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Kimberly - posted on 08/13/2010

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I am with you on the whole marriage tip, I did not marry any of the two fathers of my children.
My mother wanted me to marry my daughters father but I refused and she didn't like that I refused & she still doesn't.Lol!
I'm not married either.

Regina - posted on 08/13/2010

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A piece of paper doe snot mean anything, you are right. But it is the importance of values and security. Of course being married doe snot guarantee security, bu it does make it more difficult to end a partnership. There are legal and property issues and maybe there is someone who would rather work on the relationship than end it. If they are unmarried, it is easier to separate, at least logistically.

Marie - posted on 08/13/2010

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i personaly think that marrage is a personel choise i live in a family unit where i live with my partner of 5 years and 2 year old son perfactly happy we don't argue we share the chors etc to me marrage is just a pice of paper just becouse you have it dosn't mean that you will live happily ever after being married dosn't make you a good mum or dad you make you a good perant not a peice of paper. this is just my personal feeling my partner was married before they had the big church wedding and wevery thing they also have a 13 year old son 1 year down the road she got cought cheeting and the marrage ended in devorce so in the end that pice of paper ment nothing

Renaye - posted on 08/13/2010

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@Angie Bachicha Kissner
posted August 6, 8:37 am

I dont think you have the right to tell someone they should abort their child because they arent married... Two parents isnt what makes a family, love is, so go back to the dark ages you narrow-minded woman!!

Angela - posted on 08/13/2010

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Wed lock and bastard children are such outdated terms. I used to think I had to get married for my children , and I ended up in 2 very bad & un-happy marriages. Do not cave in to what other people THINK you should do. No one is going to think less of you or your children if you dont get married. Marriage should be something YOU want not everyone else. Stay strong and stick to your beliefs.

Tiffany - posted on 08/13/2010

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I tell ppl my child is more of a marriage than any piece of paper. You can marry a person get divorced, shed the paper and your done. With a child you are stuck sharing a life whether you want to or not.

I got pregnant with my daughter while engaged... and the wedding date just keeps getting pushed off for financial reasons. I want a REAL wedding not just a document signing. We are a happy family even without the paper in the filing cabinet.

Jen - posted on 08/13/2010

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My husband and I got married on the day our son turned 3 months old. We had been together for 12 years, with no intention of getting married. Like a lot of these replies, we never felt that getting married was something we needed to do to keep our commitment to each other. Upon the birth of our son, our feelings changed - we wanted him to have the security of our commitment. Thinking through how he would be as a young man, we wanted him to carry the value of family - and to us, that included Mom and Dad being married. Not necessarily that he needed to have both of us, but rather that because we loved each other, we were willing to fight to stay together. In hindsight, this was the best decision we could have made - for us. Without being married, there was always an "out". Being married, we have been forced to work through problems and issues that arise through having kids. We are both stronger because of being married, and our commitment to our family (both towards our son and towards each other) is unbreakable. That being said, we make our decisions based on what is best for us, to make us better parents, to enrich who we are as people, and strengthen the values we want to teach our son. I encourage you to think about what will make YOU a better person and mother to your son. In the end, there is no one you have to answer to but yourself and your God. You must be at peace with whatever decision you make. Life is hard, your grandmother has wisdom from her experiences - you should listen and hear what she says, taking it all under advisement. You'll be able to see your life in another context - a greater context - and whatever your decision, you'll feel good and have greater power through it.

Denise - posted on 08/13/2010

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I agree with your grandmother. You should marry the father of your child, but not for the sake of the church but for the sake of your child. I had a child out of wedlock when I was 27. I had graduated from college and was working but my son's friends kept asking him do you have a father. I am happily married to another man. I love my son, but I should have waited until I was married. If you love the father of your child marry him. If you don't love him don't marry him.

Alexis - posted on 08/13/2010

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My X and I were planning on getting married, and the kids and all to come after. My mom got sick and I! decided the kid thing would have to be put 1st! Didn't think it would happen over nite. about 9 months to the day I told my X I wanted to start trying there was my little girl!
My X walked out mid PG. My X at this time has nothing to do with my daughter. Be happy that he is there for your child. Don't worry about what others think. If you 2 break up, your not breaking up from the baby. If that is what works for you then do it. :)

Doris - posted on 08/13/2010

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It is not a matter of why do people think but what you think and your own conscience tells you what is right and wrong to do.
Before I had a Church to believe in and having my first baby and experiencing the pain and discomfort of labour I thought this cannot be taken lightly and glad I was married to have a baby and not suffer to have a baby and not to have a father to name the baby with. I was telling a friend whom my husband brought in that time. I told her it's not worth going through all that pain to have a baby casually with a man. It must be more important than that to suffer all that pain to have the baby and should be very special to make it worthwhile. That is my opinion after knowing what it's like having a baby.
Now I have a Church to believe in and I know the commandments of the Lord about the Law of Chastity so this puts me into thinking about making the right choices and not to endanger my own eternal perspective with my faith. There is the gift of repentance of course and can be put right when we do not know. Once we know it is good to follow what is right to do. This again is my personal opinion and you are free in what you desire to do. Whatever choice we make we are the ones to face the consequences and accountable in the choices we make in the end. It is good to follow the good advice that your family gives if you know that it is the right thing to do. Why rebel against that which is good no matter what century we are in?

Regina - posted on 08/13/2010

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For the children. I could care less what other people's opinion is of me, but I think it is much better for the child in general to have a "legal" father, not be out of wedlock.

Caryn - posted on 08/12/2010

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I have to disagree with some of the statements about marriage that people have written. People don't stay married for a lot of reasons. Some of them are serious (like child-molester, wife-abuser serious) but I would guess that the vast majority of people who get divorced did not think their choice of a spouse through properly in the first place. The thought process seems to be "She/he is so hot!" or "He/she makes $500,000/year" not "Does this person hold the same values and have the same goals as I do?" Then they come to find out that they don't and the marriage is over. I base this on a marriage prep class my husband and I went to before we got married. We were presented with a list of about 20 things that we needed to discuss in the context of the class with each other and then write down our answers. We were done in about 5 minutes and looked around at the rest of the couples. How shocked we were to see all of the animated arguing, angry faces, and tears! We left the class when it was over (it was an all-day class) and the rest of the discussion on the ride home was how shocked we were that people hadn't discussed these things! Things like what religion to raise the kids in, how to divvy up chores discipline methods, finances, etc. I think most people would agree these are essential things to discuss before you get married but these people had decided to make a lifetime commitment to each other (not to mention a binding legal contract) without having discussed any of the details.

Second, I'd be willing to bet that most people who get divorced are the result of broken homes themselves. Of course they don't know how to stay married, they haven't seen it done. I could give you a TON on anecdotal evidence for that one, but I'm sure you all could probably come up with a few of your own examples. Children learn by example.

Another problem is that people don't see marriage as a responsibility anymore. It really is a contract, and yes people who are in love do get married (and rightly so) but those hot and heavy romantic feelings give way after a while to something different and when it changes a lot of people think they aren't in love anymore. But you have a partnership and you need to work on it. You don't dissolve a business partnership after the first flush of having your own business is over, instead now is the time to start the heavy lifting.

As for Alyssa's question: No I don't think your grandmother was right to insist that you get married to the child's father. I think you probably realize that taking off the condom in the middle of sex with someone wasn't the best idea, especially if it wasn't someone you could see yourself in a lifetime partnership with. Live and learn. You got something wonderful out of it. Having said that, now it is the time to do the heavy lifting. I, unlike a lot of people on this thread, DO think that children do best with two parents. It is an important ONE of MANY factors. It's probably not going to be the baby's dad, but this will probably change the way you look at people you date from now on because you now have a little responsibility to consider. And this will hopefully make you very discriminating when it comes to choosing a lifetime mate (meaning a MARRIAGE PARTNER, not someone to live with!). I'm sorry and maybe I'm really old fashioned, but I just can't understand the near-phobia people have of getting a piece of paper that says "You are official" on it. People will be together for years upon years without marriage and the relationship will have proven itself a great one all this time, yet they behave as if as soon as they make it official they are doomed. Your children will know the difference! It doesn't leave you free to do anything, you still have a responsibility to your children!

Sorry for the long windedness but the posts on these threads just really bothered me.

Bert - posted on 08/12/2010

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i guess it's ok if the marriage lasts but love should be the reason someone get married

Teri - posted on 08/12/2010

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I'm not saying you have to marry the baby's father. It does not matter if it's the 21st or 25th century the Lord Jesus has always been, is and will always be. When we have sex outside of marriage the Lord considers that a sin, and unless we repent (turn toward God) and ask the Lord for forgiveness, accepting what Jesus did not the cross we will die in our sins and go to Hell. When I did that same mistake of having sex outside of marriage I had to repent, ask for forgiveness and be born again (new person in Christ) or I was going to Hell. And it does not matter how good of a person we think we are. Once we are guilty of breaking just one of the Ten Commandments then we are guilty of breaking them all. I hope someday you will come to know Christ as your Savior and find a husband the Lord has for you.

Deb - posted on 08/12/2010

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Older people were raised to believe that was "the right thing to do" If your not in love with the father it would not be a good marriage. I had a child when I was 16 and everyone tried to get us married. I am so glad today ,37 years later that I did not marry the father, If your truely not in love then it's probably not the best thing to do. I don't feel your family should have told the church you were married. If it is truely a church devoted to God then it would not make a difference to them. I was embarassed to face the people in my church at first but they showed me what true christain love was. The God kind of love. God is a forgiving God. He would not turn his back on you for a mistake. Those who profess to be his followers need to follow his example.

Rebecca - posted on 08/12/2010

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They are from a different genaration. I know that I still believe that I should be married before having a child. I did it that way. Just because some people feel that way doesn't mean all do. I know of a few women that have gotten pregant because of a crime and had the baby weather they decided to keep the baby or put the baby up for adoption it was there choice. They did not marry the father of the baby.

I know that God gave us free will to make up our own minds and the Church is to forgive the sin. Babies are a Miracle from God. He is the maker of everything. Everyone makes there own choices. They have to decide what is right for them. I hope that helps.

Patricia - posted on 08/12/2010

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It is the religious standard, as you stated, but certainly does not guarantee happiness nor success. Your happiness and good parenting is the most important. Can you find support in other ways...e.g. with a mother's group, other family, or friends?

Kira - posted on 08/12/2010

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I got pregnant when I was 20 - I did receive a lot of looks because of my unmarried status!!! To be honest I stayed with the father for a very long 8 months after she was born in an effort to try to raise her in a 2 parent home. However I am still thankful to this day that I never married him! I knew having her and being single would be hard - but honestly being with someone who does not make you happy and think of forever - is not worth you time or effort....it is a worse environment for your child to grow up in!

Virginia - posted on 08/12/2010

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Older generations see having a child as a serious endeavor, one that is done by a couple, and that since you are now linked for life by this child, that you should be married. People don;t commit for life to one another anymore, and having children seems to have become less about creating loving family and more about accidents. If you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, marry him, if you don;t then I am very sorry, but he will still be a part of your life forever. They want love and stability for your child which is what marriage used to mean. And obviously they are God fearing people and they believed you were raised to know you should have waited to have a child till after you were in a committed relationship.

Leslie - posted on 08/12/2010

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I got married b/c I was pregnant. we were married for 5 1/2 yrs had 2 babies, then I left him. He never wanted to be married, only did it to make others happy...all the while telling all of his co-workers that i tricked him and trapped him...not true. But to my face and his family's face he loved and adored me and couldn't live without me. To his girlfriends and yes there is an "S" at the end of that I was the wicked witch that he pitied and only kept around cause he liked seeing his kids from time to time and i was a good mom, a good housekeeper and a good cook. Our marriage was a nightmare and my kids were miserable b/c though he put on a good show for everyone else, he was not happy at home and did not want to be a full time dad. When we divorced he told his girlfriend at the time that he only wanted custody of the kids so that he didn't have to pay me child support and his mom would raise them for him.

So my advice, NEVER get married just b/c you are pregnant. My exhusband before we got pregnant and was "forced" to marry me, was an amzing friend, actually he was my best friend. We had a wonderful relationship, had so much fun together, we had a great relationship, or so i thought. I got pregnant, and he became another person I no longer recognized. But he married me anyway, even when I tried talking him out of it, he pushed b/c that what "everyone expected". I'll never do it again, ever. I have been a single mom going on 5 yrs now. My boys are happy and healthy. They live with me full time and see their father once or twice a yr (christmas and summer). he is on to his 3rd marriage and having another baby. I am dating, but not planning marriage anytime soon and taking every precaution not to bring another baby into this world that the "parents" aren't ready for. I think in my mind that people should not have sex before marriage and if they do they should take ALL precaustions not to get pregnant. I don't agree that people get married b/c they are pregnant, unless there was already plans on marriage, but got prego first. To me 2 people can have a baby together and be happy. 2 people can get married, then have a baby and be happy, but getting married JUST b/c you are prego is not a good thing in my book....we all know accidents happen....I believe in marriage and parenting, do not get me wrong....I just wish I had gone about it a different way. But then again, I'm also that woman that would go through all that mess all over again just to have my sons, cause I would not trade them for ANYTIHNG!!! Not even the promise of happily ever after with my prince charming and our cute kids :o) but then agian my ex always told me i was a better mom than a wife....hehehe!

Natalie Gabriella - posted on 08/12/2010

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My grand mother wants the same, even says she'll pay for it, but i have explaine she must repect my decision and if not she is not welcome in my home, this way she is unable to see her grandson, so she had to give it up, after all whats more important, forcing two people 2 get married and keeping a famiy name, or enjoying there grandchild?

Josephine - posted on 08/12/2010

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Because that's how the older generations have been taught. But I feel there is no right or wrong point of view. It's only wrong when you force your opinion off on someone else with out respecting that they have a different point of view, and that they have the right to live their life the way they see fit. And just society in general puts a label that is hard to remove sometimes!!!

Ardeliah - posted on 08/12/2010

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I hope my comments didn't come across as rude. I was only trying to say that a lot of people believe there will be a more firm commitment if people are married. It is in no way a guarantee, just look at divorce rates and you know that marriage for a child's sake doesn't always work. The people who just assume you are getting married either haven't really thought about the situation or are just thinking in the old school way. I didn't do it that way, I got married and then had my son. But not everyone does it that way and there is nothing wrong with it if you do it differently. Most of the time the pregnancy is unplanned. Adding into that mix a 'forced' marriage is not the way to ensure a happy life.

Jennifer - posted on 08/12/2010

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I got married when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. We were engaged at the time, but we rushed the wedding and had we not we never would have married. We are now divorced and I am remarried. I thought I was doing the "right thing" but in the end I realized it was not. I feel that just because you are pregnant and people will want you to marry the father do not do it just because of pressure. I did not want to be having a child out of wed lock, but at the same time, being divorced is harder. Do what you feel is right. If you don't want to get married then don't. If your family wants to tell people that you are married let them, but they should not be ashamed that you aren't just bc of the church.

Lauren - posted on 08/12/2010

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I got pregnant at 24 and wasn't married to my boyfriend at the time. We have gotten engaged since, but I refuse to get married just to get married. We both love each other and our child very much, but using a pregnancy to get married, to only later get a divorce is worse. Too many couples become resentful of there mates in that situation. I will most likely marry my fiance, but I don't want to do it just because of our daughter... I want it because it is right. I am Catholic, and even my priest has told me that God loves me and my child, and that's what matters. He supports our decision fully, and when that day comes.. he is happy, ready and willing to marry us! I would rather be an unmarried happy couple than a miserable married couple. As long as I have a happy, healthy well adjusted family, I am good to go.

Casey - posted on 08/12/2010

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I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter when we were planning our wedding. We decided to pospone the wedding and focus on the baby. We got married when our daughter was 10 months old because we love each other-not because we were made to... I don't think that the paper that we recieved changed our relationship with our child-we loved her just as much before we were married as we did after. On the other side... I know many people who have gotten married because they became pregnant. Some of those families would have been better off seperate. Two people who don't belong together yet force themselves to be together often end up resenting each other and fighting... In my opinion the child is better off with two parents who get along seperately than with parents who fight being together.

Megan - posted on 08/12/2010

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Don't worry about it. I got pregnant with my first son at 19 too. His dad wasn't supposed to be able to have kids and as I said I was 19 so I didn't worry about it. Then I got pregnant. His father and I have been together 5 years and we have two children, our youngest just turned 1. I get where you are coming from with the pressure to get married. My mom is constantly saying something and she's a churchy woman, so are my grandparents and they are insanely religious but they've never really brought it up. They know that my fiance' and I are committed to each other and we'll get married when we are ready not because we were forced into it. And for you people who are so hung up on marriage, two people can be in a committed relationship and not be married and still have their children be in a "stable and happy" home, as well as have them taken care of the same as the children of married couples. This isn't like back in the olden days children of unmarried parents have the same rights and opportunities as those of married parents. When my kids go to apply for a college or a job there will be no stigma attached to them because I hadn't been married to their father when they were born, get over it. If you want to use religion as a basis for judging people just remember that your God is the ultimate judge and you aren't perfect either. Let people have their families, as long as the children are being taken care of who cares if the parents are married or not. I can take my sons into church whether it's my mom's or my grandparents and know that they do not judge me or my children. Are they happy I had kids out of wedlock, not so much, but are they going to sit there and slander me for doing it, no because that's not what God preaches. Alyssa, do what you want and don't let anyone tell you different, do what's best for you and your child, and like some of the other girls have said if it turns out he's really bad it's easier to make an exit without that piece of paper.

Amy - posted on 08/12/2010

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Why would you not want your children to have the best benefits available to them provided by marraige? Study after study has shown that children from stable two parent households are much more financially and emotionally secure than the children of single parents. I know marraige is a big commitment but honestly, how can you not think having a life to care for isn't a larger one?

Dawn - posted on 08/12/2010

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Your grandparents come from an era where there was such a negative stigmatism attached to women who got pregnant and was not married, but worse than that was giving birth to a "bastard" child or a child being illegimate. These terms are not used so much these days. In the current climate of our society, young people take a very different view point. It is simply a matter of who you are, where you were raised and the ideals that you was brought up to believe in.

Mrs. - posted on 08/12/2010

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Seriously Diana? "How about keeping your panties on?" I assume, this is an attempt at humour because it would be kinda cruel and judgmental otherwise. I don't get some of these posts at all. Alyssa was originally asking for advice and guidance. It sounds as if she's already gotten enough judgment from her grandparents and their church. I don't care what your values are, being plain mean is not going to get anything across except demonstrating how the internet encourages people to say things they would NEVER say to people in real life. If it was a joke, it wasn't even funny, it was just petty. I'd hate to think that people would take out their frustrations and anger about their own life and decisions on someone who is obviously just asking for help. Unless a time machine has been invented and I wasn't aware giving the advice to "keep your panties on" isn't really helpful once you've already had the baby. Wow, I mean if you invented a time machine that goes back and warns teenage girls to not have sex...you'd probably erase a lot of amazing babies from the world. Watch Bambi with the kiddies again and listen to what the bunny says.

Yurena - posted on 08/12/2010

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Jennie! That's exactly what I think, that one shouldn't abuse the system and that I think Alyssa is right in using this help since she needs it and the child was not planned by her at all, it's not like she thougt : i'll have a chiild so I can sit at home whilst I get the money through the post'. You understood exactly the opposite of what I think. I am tired of people that don't 'fancy' working, don't 'fancy' safe sex, etc, etc. People that need spoonfeeding everything, that won't do anything by themselves. I see it EVERY DAY.

Lisa - posted on 08/12/2010

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when i was 18 and pregnant the father of my daughter wanted to get married but i didn't so we broke up but we r good friends now, just because u get pregnant u don't need to get married, just be there for each other!

Krista - posted on 08/12/2010

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So for those that think he is the bad person. You can't tell me me he suddenly became a bad person and she didnt know his character beforehand.

Some men change a lot when a baby arrives on the scene. A friend of mine was engaged and everything was lovely. She got pregnant, and you couldn't see him for dust, he dumped her so fast. Was it her fault for trusting someone she'd loved and been involved with for years? For all you know, Alyssa's boyfriend could have been coming across as a perfectly lovely individual prior to the pregnancy, and only later did his true colours show.

Besides, this thread is NOT about questioning her choices or telling her to keep her panties on (nice...) She just asked why people still believe that marriage is mandatory once sperm meets egg. Please try to just answer her question and stop attacking her character, because it's incredibly presumptuous and rude.

Krista
WTCOM Moderator

Ardeliah - posted on 08/12/2010

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I was married before I went off the pill and had my son.

I don't think it is really about saving your 'religious' soul or just because of tradition that everyone asks if you are getting married if you get pregnant and you are not. I think it is more out of the concern for the child. If you are married there is more of a commitment there than if you are not. At least for outward appearances. In a world filled with young single mothers and dads who could care less, it shows a promise on the dads part not to leave the mom and kid in the lurch. Old fashioned yes, but it is a very public show of support.

Yurena - posted on 08/12/2010

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Darcy, you didn't get my post. The example of the widower was about JUST about being able to raise children properly on your own.

Jennie - posted on 08/12/2010

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Yurena, I would hope that any mother would want more for their child than to live off of government assistance. Just because there are "so many people" living off the government where you are, does not make it the right thing or the responsible thing to do.

Yurena - posted on 08/12/2010

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Some have been writing pretty much that if you had sex you are a horny *****. My goodness. You don't know her situation, if at the time she was in a trusting, committed relationship - HE DID TAKE THE BLOODY CONDOM OFF WITHOUT TELLING HER, that for me is enough to chop his bits off. If she wasn't in a committed relationship, that is ALSO her choice. We don't wear chastity belts anymore, ladies, but it seems you'll be happy for women to have them on. This tends to be the same type of woman that is happy for prostitutes to take the blame of married men cheating. Honestly. In any case, she can't go back in time, so all the patronizing lectures can be kept for your own children...or is it just for the girls? I haven't read much about the father of the creature being an irresponsible, selfish person. HE CHOSE to create that baby so he could literally wipe himself inside her. Something to think about.

Yurena - posted on 08/12/2010

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Alyssa, you do well in taking the benefits from the Government, no shame at all in that, they are there to help people and you didn't even plan for the baby, there are so many people that have up to 13 kids (yes, 13) where I am and don't work, live all on benefits and houses payed by the Government (that is, us). I agree with what you are doing and of course your baby is not a sin. I can't believe that mothers can even say such a horrible thing (please avoid the Bible quotations - I am well read in the matter being a Catholic Christian, but it does not mean I follow every line as it's written, because I DO know as well the story behind the writing of the Bible). Follow your heart and you can't go wrong. I hope it all works out for you all, you sound mature and responsible, all the best. XXX

Ashley - posted on 08/12/2010

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I don't think you should have to get married just because you got pregnant. I think that you did what you did and exposed yourself to the possibility of getting pregnant. If you avoid it, that's great, but if not then step up to the plate and do what you're supposed to do. Another issue is the church and the mentality that you are a disgrace b/c your child was born out of wedlock. I believe that you have to take the Lord's word and put it in the context of the time in which it was written. You're right this is the 21st century. WWJD if he were born in this time?

Amanda - posted on 08/12/2010

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My mom got pregnant when she was 18 and she didn't marry my father because she knew he would never be responsible enough to care for me. Even though she had been raised to believe people should be married before they had children she was allowed to make her own decision and her family supported her. I don't think getting married just because you have a child is right. The way my mom explained it to me when I asked her about it was: how was she supposed to make me happy if she herself wasn't happy?? You can't live your life by what others want you to do. I think it might be easier financially to have a child after marriage but unless you love the person it's going to do nothing but make everyone miserable.

Ashleigh-Jade - posted on 08/12/2010

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people always assume with me that I'm married. I am 23 with two under 5's, first one I had at 19. but I will never marry the father. I am Christian so believe strongly about marriage etc, but I will not marry when its not right. (just cause of a pregnancy). 21st century is really only just about our laws today, which is why there are so many conflicting beliefs, beliefs don't change over time really(just the laws). what is important is that your child has two parents who love and support him/her and who can get along wiht each other, now ultimately you'd want that to be together, but sometimes being together isn't healthy so creates issues for the child. either way, if you both love and care for the child on all levels then you should have a happy well balanced little person.

Danielle - posted on 08/12/2010

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I really think its just tradition, if you get pregnant, you get married, its just the way it has always has been, especially for religious families. I however, dont think you need to get married simply because you are pregnant, and you def shouldnt force it if your partner is not someone you see spending the rest of your life with. Your baby can be happy and well adjusted having two parents that love him/ her whether they are married or not. Isnt that the most important thing anyway? what we all want? For our children to be happy, healthy and well adjusted individuals?? You do what feels right for you, take care of yourself and your child and keep your focus there. Best of luck to you!

Yurena - posted on 08/12/2010

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I refuse to believe that if you lie to yourself, your family, your child, if you live in a miserable, loveless marrige for the rest of your life God will 'forgive you'. You would be living already Hell on Earth. By the way, many of you seem to have forgotten that being married entails having sex (at some point I imagine). Are you really advocating for forcing yourself to do that with someone you don't love FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? We are not slaves anymore, not slaves of our families, or partners, or a Faith (that conveniently puts women down), you can choose to be that slave, but you don't have to. Be a good mother and person, forget the rubbish that other people want to give you. x

Barbara - posted on 08/12/2010

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I'm not a teen so my situation is a little different (I'm 38 now). I have two children a 4 1/2 year old and a 14 month old. Their dad and I aren't married but we have been together 8 years. My son wasn't planned but my daughter was to give my son a sibling. No we aren't married and plan to some day, but in no real rush. We have a home. He supports us 100% (only help we get from the government is the health insurance for the kids b/c we simply can't afford it) in everything. I'm a stay a home mom and for those of you that may wonder why I don't work the only reason I am not working is b/c the day care fees for two kids is astronomical and just not worth it right now. As for my BF their dad he is the most loving father. Changes diapers, feeds the kids, cooks when needed etc etc. So you don't need to be married. LIke someone said what the children need is a stable loving environment. What good would marriage do if you're both unhappy and agruing and it's just an unhappy situation. The kids would be better off with just one happy parent in the home than two miserable parents in the same home. Do make sure he pay child support and helps out especially since it's his fault for taking off the condom. My mother who was born in 1930 told me that this time around I didn't have to get married. I did that once and it was a horrible experience. She even said if you have children you don't have to get married you just have to love your children and take care of them together and be parents. Best of luck and the hell with what other think!!

Charlotte - posted on 08/12/2010

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I think, ideally it is a good idea for children to grow up in family that is committed to one another. I think they need to have a mom and a dad and see how they relate to one another, and love each other through thick and thin. I think it gives them a sense of security. However........if the father just isn't good for the family and causes more grief than anything, sometimes it is best (I think) for the Mom to be a single parent. For instance, alcoholism, abuse (verbal, mental, emotional, etc). I grew up with my parents married but the atmosphere was lacking, to much strife. GL I think 1 st century or not, some values never change, there is wisdom in them.

T - posted on 08/11/2010

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I don't agree with someone that says that a child won't be given benefits unless they take the father's name. From what I've read as long as paternity is established the child will be eligible for health insurance and may be eligible for Social Security, pension, inheritance and other benefits.

Darcy - posted on 08/11/2010

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If he wasn't good enough to marry why were you having sex with him? It is a matter more of respect for yourself, him and the child you may be sentencing to either having no involved father or a bad one. Take your time, no need to bang the genitals together just because you think he's cute (or hot, or whatever) If you are that horny, get a "toy."



As for honor of the family name, that is a bit much.



Ultimately you should not be having sex with someone that you do not know that well, is an addict, abusive, etc...Apparently many of you do not respect yourselves or your womanhood, so why should the males in your life.



There is a difference between being a widowed or a divorced mom and being a single mom btw.

Karen - posted on 08/11/2010

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So for those that think he is the bad person. You can't tell me me he suddenly became a bad person and she didnt know his character beforehand.

Cheyne - posted on 08/11/2010

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to those who believe that a family includes a husband and wife:
family:.
a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.
b. a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family;
no where in the definition of a family does it say consisting of a husband and wife raising a child or children. that being said does that mean to y'all that if the parents live together, and love each other and adore their child ( just as a married couple would) they are not a family?
i live with my daughters father. we love each other very much and havent even begun to think about a wedding other than the occasional comments in passing. but does that mean were not a family just cuz were not married? cuz according to the definition we are one. a piece of paper will not change that. nor will it change that for alyssa.

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