Why do people think they have to get married if they get pregnant?

Melanie - posted on 08/11/2010

I don't think getting pregnant is a reason to get married unless the marriage was talked about or planned prior to a baby making that decision for you. I agree that a child needs a mom & dad in their life, but getting married doesn't mean that's the best situation for the child. 2 people can be awesome parents even if they don't get married and can sometimes be better parents to the child if they didn't feel forced to get married when they didn't want to or weren't ready. Do what feels right for you because I believe that if you are happy, your child will be happy know you both love them whether you get married or not.

Diana - posted on 08/11/2010

How about keeping the panties on?

Diana - posted on 08/11/2010

Parents are the foundation of their childrens' lives. Build a good foundation and you will raise happy children.

Susan - posted on 08/11/2010

It's an old and I think outdated way of thinking. If you had a baby out of wedlock years ago, churches thought you were a sinner, families saw it as a disgrace and the general population seemed to think the child was illigitimate. In modern society, we know all that's a pile of poop. While I think it is great if a child can be raised by two loving parents (for the help and support they can give eachother if nothing else), I also think it's sooo much better for a child to be raised by one loving parent than to be in a house where the parents don't necessarily love each other and may fight or end up in divorce. I'm sorry your grandmother feels that way. Try not to be too angry with her or feel down about yourself because of her. She doesn't know any different and probably won't change her ways at this point. You know what's right for you and your baby. Good luck to you.

Susan - posted on 08/11/2010

Don't get married sweety. It will cause alot of problems. If your heart has doubt it means DON'T. My dad put me through the pressure too and I married and when it didn't work out our son was subjected to years of court battles and arguments when all that energy should have been directed to him and only him if that makes since. Afterward my dad felt so bad for putting me through such guilt. Your grandparents will come around. Too bad they have to lie to their church family though. That's messed up.

Sharon - posted on 08/11/2010

"So is a kid better off marrying this craptacular father, just for the sake of being married? Or is the kid better off with a happy, single mother who COULD possibly someday meet a really nice guy who WOULD be a good father to her child?"

We all know, I'm guessing, that there are fathers and then there are sperm donors. Any child would be better off with a father--provided that's what he WAS.

Incorrigibly,

Sharon

Mary - posted on 08/11/2010

I got pregnant at 35, my mother wanted me to get married, I did not feel right I did not know him well enough after the twins were born I found out he turned very verbally abusive. So glad I went with my instinct and not the church! Love taking the girls to the church and they accept me lovingly and are extremly helpfull

Jenna - posted on 08/11/2010

I just had my daughter and refused to get married pregnant. We do not need to be married to raise our daughter right and when we are ready we will take that step.

Heather - posted on 08/11/2010

Wow. So, because he took his condom off during sex Alyssa bares no responsibility for getting pregnant? I don't really believe she didn't know he took off his condom and if she truly didn't then she really shouldn't be having sex in the first place. She also should have taken her own precautions. She has just as much responsibility to prevent a pregnancy as he does. We can offer her all the advice in the world about what to do now, but telling her she's not irrisponsible because this guy removed his condom is just irrisponsible. It justifies girls getting pregnant "accidentally" and basically tells them it "isn't their fault". Think what you want about teen/unmarried pregnancy, but unless you're raped, both parties are equally responsible for the resulting child.

Krista - posted on 08/11/2010

Here's a question to all of you who are adamant that it's best to have a father around: do you even care what the father is LIKE? What if he's a crap father? From another post that Alyssa made, this guy does sweet frig-all with the child, and Alyssa has to sneak out to even go to the store for an hour without the child, because the father refuses to watch the baby.

So is a kid better off marrying this craptacular father, just for the sake of being married? Or is the kid better off with a happy, single mother who COULD possibly someday meet a really nice guy who WOULD be a good father to her child?

Donna - posted on 08/11/2010

Children are meant to be raised in a family and that includes a husband and wife. May seem old fashion, but the research continues to show the the value of a 2-parent family vs.single parent. I realize that not all children have that benefit and I know a lot of single parents that do great and kids thrive, but I still believe in marriage ,... and then babies.

Krista - posted on 08/11/2010

Alyssa, could you be a sport and edit your original post to remind people that you got pregnant because the baby's father oh-so-gallantly removed the condom halfway through without you being aware of it? Hopefully that'll reduce the number of people telling you that a) you're irresponsible and b) that you deserve to be punished for your irresponsibility by being saddled with this charmer for the rest of your life.

Thanks! :)
Krista
WTCOM Moderator

Erica - posted on 08/11/2010

I got pregnant at 18 had my son at 19. Everybody wanted me to marry my sons father. I however knew that he was not the man for me. I got pregnant because of a bad decision that was made that ended up being a blessing. My sons father decided he did not want to have a part of my sons life. So I knew that he was wrong and than proved that I was right. My family is upset because it didn't happen but my son and I are very happy. You shouldn't marry because of a child but because you are in love.

Alyssa - posted on 08/11/2010

Hey Alyssa i am 18 i will be 19 when i have my baby i know what your coming from i am in the same boat as you but my parents arent telling me to marry my boyfriend but the people at chruch are telling us we should !

Zeta - posted on 08/11/2010

Neither I..., not for family dishonor or tradition that will pushed me to get married...I'm 25 and on my own when i get pregnant...everybody say's the same especially if you are in a family who follows tradition...i refused because i dont like to spend the rest of my life to the father of my child whose irresponsible when it comes to decisions and support...I'm happy with my decision and never had a daubt of choosing to be single mom before...now I'm so blessed and fulfilled with my life.

Nicole - posted on 08/11/2010

Being a religious person myself, I believe that God blesses marriages. I think there is a difference between just living w someone and being married- it's a greater commitment that can give stability to a home and life can seem to have more depth and fulfillment when a husb and wife have a strong marriage. It's a wonderful thing...
That being said, just because you get pregnant with someone, I don't think they should feel obligated to get married! Getting married should be something you WANT to do because you can't imagine the rest of your life any other way than with that person. Something that would make you and the other person better people, you know? I think you're so smart not to give in to the pressure from your well meaning grandma if you don't see the rest of your life with your child's father and I applaud you for that.
Try not to take offense from your grandma, I'm sure she loves you.

Yurena - posted on 08/11/2010

It's a bit funny to hear about what 'God's wants us to do', guys, in the Bible they talk of a man that marries a second wife because the first is barren, another that offer his daughter to be raped by a mob that wanted to sodomize some other men. Sure we don't agree with this just because that's 'God's book', I hope not, anyway. In any case, whatever we all believe, the good news is that she, and only she, has the last word on this. You know what, I honestly thank the Lord that it is so.

Yurena - posted on 08/11/2010

By the way. She is thinking about the happiness of her child too. A married couple without true love to support them through whatever comes along? Just because they were told into it? That can ruin any child's life.

Annie - posted on 08/11/2010

That is a very serious question..Why do ppl feel that way? Is it because it's suppose to be the right thing to do? I do not agree..Marriage is something that both people should be ready for..It comes with a whole lot of responsibilities..It's not something that you take literally..I feel as if a woman is good enough to lay with a man, she is good enough to marry and not just because of pregnancy..It only seems like the marriage is only because of the baby and not because I love you and want to spend my life with you..

Yurena - posted on 08/11/2010

Sharon, the commandments also talk about not using God's name in vain. You tell me what it is to lie about the fact that she did not promise in front of God to be with him till the end of their days and also to try to encourage her to go and lie in front of God and famly so she could save face. For me the lady is not a true believer at all (not disrespect to your granma, but come on!). Then I also think that no matter what any Faith says my family always, always takes the first place, and if I'm condemned to Hell for that, then, so be it.
In any case, your granma will probably come around to understand you make your own decisions. Did your parents also insist on getting you married to this guy?

Karen - posted on 08/11/2010

I'm sorry you fell tricked into getting pregnant but I feel that what im listening to is alot of selfishness. Everyone is talking about whats best for you, what makes you happy. What I dont hear alot of is whats best for the child. Here are a few things to think about, most states wont give the child anything without the child carrying the fathers name, if he were to become disabled you as his girlfriend would get nothing to help support your child from SSI. That child has a right to be in a home with two people who care enough about him to be married. If the father of your child has any other children and dies and you have any significant personal property it will legally be split up where if your married you dont have to be worried about being evicted or lose you car or something.

Yurena - posted on 08/11/2010

We are all posting our opinions, I think, which directly implies beliefs, culture, etc. Opinions always reflect some type of judgement for good or bad. I did get church married and I am happyly so but I reckon you should only do it if you truly mean your vows. As it happens I went ot a wedding the other day, and we all knew this couple were getting married becasue she wanted to have a party and be the centre of it. They had been together for 5 or 6 years, she is 21 or 22, living together for years, splitted up a few months ago, then she was befriending some married guy with children. And then, there you go 'fancy a wedding?'. I think we should follow what is right in our hearts. By the way, jajajaj, my grandma and mum have always told me 'don't get married, don't have children'. I didn't listen.

Yurena - posted on 08/11/2010

The name thing is just silly. I'm Spanish, we don't take anyone's name except for our parents. I married an English (beautiful) man and obviously didn't take his name, not that he was bothered at all. When people asked me 'what' was I gonna be called 'now' that I was getting married I answered 'the name my parents gave me, he's marrying me, not branding me like a cow'. In Spain only siblings share names, which is a combination of both parents. My children have both our surnames. Each one can do as they please, change name, call yourself an invented one, that SHOULD NEVER be even be a point to consider when you are getting married. Just ask yourself 'is this the man I want to hold at night, and the face I want to see everyday for the rest of my life'. People just overcomplicate things. And if you don't believe in marriage or think it's not for you, then, so be it. I wonder if people don't have anything else to do apart from meddle in other people's busineses. You and only you will have to live with your choices.

T - posted on 08/11/2010

Someone said something about having a 'real' family with a married mommy and daddy. I find that offensive. I had my son before I was married and my family wasn't any less real because we weren't married. We eventually got married and raised 3 kids. My daughter now has a daughter of her own and is not married. She had been with her boyfriend for awhile before getting pregnant (unplanned) and is still with him today. Their family is not less of a family because they aren't married. IMHO marriage has to be for the right reasons, not because someone got pregnant. As for the name thing, not everyone takes their husband's name when they get married so that really doesn't hold much weight. What is important is that they are raising their daughter together in a loving environment. THAT is what makes a family.

Heather - posted on 08/11/2010

Simone X; I didn't say all married people are responsible or that you should get married just because you're pregnant, but it WAS irrisponsible to have sex without using an alternate form of birth control and there ARE consequences for irrisponsible actions. I'm sorry your mother had a bad experience, but that doesn't mean everyone who gets married will have the same experience. Abuse is the one case where ANY marriage should be terminated and certainly shouldn't be forced on anyone, but the issue here is that some people just don't want to try anymore or it gets "hard" and they quit. If you don't try to make things work you'll never know. A responsible adult would choose what's best for the baby. If that's raising it with the mother's parents/grandparents or if it's raising it with the baby's father, I would trust the mother of the child to make the best decision for the BABY, not herself.
I'm not judging anyone. What's done is done, but this girl is asking for imput about her grandparents dissaproval and has therefor put herself in the position to have people post their opinion. If all the unwed mothers and people in "committed" relationships can post their opinions, then all of us "stuck in the past" people should be allowed to post ours too without judgement. IMO

Alisha - posted on 08/11/2010

Well I think that being married then having children would be the ideal thing of having a family. (I did it the backwards way too but plan on getting it right next time and I am waiting for my husband now). I think your grandmother wanted you to have your baby's father's support and to have a family how God planned for families to be. I don't think it was right that she lied and said you were married, people will always make mistakes and we can only learn (or keep making them). I don't think you have to marry someone just because you have a baby with them, but the seriously think about who you sleep with. I have done it all the wrong way (by having a child when I wasn't married) I love my daughter more than anything but now I have chosen to wait to have sex until I'm married so that I won't have to get hurt anymore and I will know for sure that he wants to be there to support me and our children. I don't think it matters what century it is, I think that the institution of marriage God set up is still relevant, but just a bit more uncommon and complicated now-a-days. When you do find that great guy to marry someday, it will be worth waiting for!

Yurena - posted on 08/11/2010

She was using protection, not like the many girls who are not. HE did take the condom off half way without telling her. It is not at all the case we so commonly see, girls sleeping around with anyone that whistles, in alleys and all, ew. She kept her baby. Many girls over where I am have 2 or 3 terminations before they reach 18. It is not the same case at all. The guy is not the person she thinks she wants to spend the rest of her life. There was and there is some commitment. It doesn't mean you have to sign a contract for the rest of your life.

Simone - posted on 08/11/2010

Heather Telley....just because you are married does not mean you are not responsible and loving people......and yes some people make mistakes in moments of passion. its quite shoking how judgemental some people can be. my parents were married, and mum said she shold have left my father after my brother was born but it was encouraged she try and make the marrige work. she then had 3 more of us and suffered another 8yrs of emotional abuse untill he found someone elce and left her and us behind. i am definatley a happyer person not having him in my life as my father.

Karen - posted on 08/11/2010

My partner & I have been together 15 years this month, have 2 children and no intention of getting married Why do you have to get married to show you are commited to and love each other? It doesn't make you love your children any more or less.
And if your boyfriend took his condom off & tricked you, do you really want to marry him? I'd rather be asking why he did that!!!!

Simone - posted on 08/11/2010

me and my partner have been togeather for 11yrs......we have a house, a dog, a 19mth and another on the way. how much more committed to each other do we have to proove? how is a ceremony and a piece of paper going to keep us togeather forever? in new zealand we have de-facto relationships and are entitled to everything a married couple is (eg split half of assets when seperated) so it seems no point to waste money at the moment. we are happy with our real family and commitment

Jennie - posted on 08/11/2010

Janessa, why would you say "so called Christians" you either are or aren't. I'm pretty sure no one, Christian or non, are claiming to be perfect and follow the letter of the Bible all of the time, however, the Bible DOES dictate the rules by which we are SUPPOSED to live. It's shameful to see how generations X & Y (of which I am part of) have completely disregarded the word of truth. The "old generation" as so may responses have referred to was simply a more self disciplined generation(s) - they didn't do everything that they simply felt like doing, because it wasn't right!

Janessa - posted on 08/11/2010

I am posting again why do you so called christian have to bring the bible up? I mean not everyone belives in the bible. So you people have to come up with a better way of saying of tellling her the reason behinde marriages. I myself do not believe everything in the bible because it seems like a made up stories. So people should go living they lives as they do if people are not hurting anyone what is the problem in not marrying. People can still be great parents without a certificate.

Jennie - posted on 08/11/2010

I don't mean to sound judgemental, but the dishonor likely came when you became pregnant out of wedlock, not that you wouldn't get married after the fact.

Kristina - posted on 08/11/2010

My husband was conceived out of wedlock in 1968 but his parents got married well before he was born...that's what you did back then. He himself has an "oops" with a former girlfriend. She broke up with him before she found out she was pregnant. He thought the honourable thing was to offer to get back together, but she had no interest in him whatsoever (mind you, she was 21 and he was 31, so they weren't exactly kids when it happened.) Lucky for me, because I met him a few months before the baby was born. Now he and I are married and have 3 kids + 1 due in Oct.
It's mainly a generational thing. I wouldn't say they are "stuck in the past." I think it's one thing when the pregnancy is a surprise...I wouldn't expect/force anyone to get married. But if it's a committed relationship and kids come along because they are planned, does a piece of paper make that much of a difference? We chose to be married before we started a family, but that was our choice. I know people who had a kid or two and then got married and they're still together. I know others who got married first and are now divorced. Being married doesn't guarantee anything.

Aimee - posted on 08/11/2010

I think you should only get married if you are in love with the father of your child. Other wise it will not be a happy marriage and the child will not have a happy life style.. I got pregnant before my husband and I were married, but we had already been planning to get married and talked about dates and everything. If i hadnt loved him, then we wouldnt be together today with two amazing children! You marry for love, and thats ALL.

Haylee - posted on 08/11/2010

They are stuck in the past. My nan doesn't like that her son who is 42 lives with his gf even though they have three kids together. She believes they should be married even though his last wife cheated on him and he does not want to go through marriage again.

Laura - posted on 08/11/2010

I personally can't imagine raising a baby by myself, having a husband, someone who is committed to me and to my baby girl puts my mind at ease.

Gina - posted on 08/11/2010

If the woman had been sleeping with the man and she got pregnanat don't you think there should be some sort of commitment, give me a break here ladies, we have enough young girls having babies that are still babies themselves because they supposedly need something to love. Get a bloody puppy, you just have to feed it and water the darn thing and then on occassion take the puppy for a walk, oh boy I am on a soap box now.

Heather - posted on 08/11/2010

Never, ever marry someone just because they get your pregnant. Some people are so old fashioned that they worry about what their other old people friends will think of them, and you. I wouldn't worry too much about it, just do what you want to do. But don't marry someone just because they get your pregnant. If you love your baby daddy, then keep the relationship going with him for a few years before tying the knot. :) I am proud of you for not marrying him. I am sorry that you might be hurting your grandmother. Maybe try to talk to her and explain to her why you didn't marry him. You are ONLY 19 years old. That's too young to get married, to me anyways. I got married at 21, and I will still too young. To me, 25 or later are great ages to get married. You know more about who you are and what you want in life. You aren't dishonoring your family name. That's VERY old school. If people ask you, then explain to them that you didn't get married, but that your grandmother just said that you did because she is worried about what everyone will think about her. Most people now adays, don't care if you marry the person who gets you prego or not. Heck, I have a sister who married a woman. Yes, she's gay, yeah, and? I don't care. I wouldn't mind if my kids married someone of the same sex. It's not my choice, it's theirs, and I would stand by them 100%.

Yurena - posted on 08/11/2010

Ru, you are using marriage as a punishment!!! It should be a blessing, not a criminal sentence. Life is so very difficult already. Children and no sleeping go hand in hand. In current times most of us are very tight monetarily. One should spend their lifes and make that commitment with someone they truly love and trust, not one that could make their lives a misery.

Gina - posted on 08/11/2010

Are you happy that you got married? Are you still together? Getting pregnant at l9 is something with the amount of birthcontrol there are these days.

Danielle - posted on 08/11/2010

There was a time when a girl was shipped off to live with relatives out of town when she came up pregnant and was not married. That's just how things were done. It was a disgrace. I'm sure you're grandparents still feel that way. I'm sure their religion plays a factor in that because, regardless of what century it is, the bible still reads the same. You just have to remember your grandparents love you and have your best interests at heart, even though you may not agree with what they want they want for you. My mother is not a religious woman, but it still took her a long time to actually tell people she had a grandchild on the way when I was pregnant with my daughter. I wasn't married either...and I was 28! My husband and I had one more child before we decided we finally were ready to make that permanent commitment to each other. Do what's right for you. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks.

Lol - posted on 08/11/2010

sorry Morals do change generation by generation and culture by culture, it's called learning from experience. Am quite aghast at some of the posts, no the poor girl should neither have adopted nor abhort her child. She should be trusted to make the right decision for her, the baby and her partner. Just because something is aye been it isn't necessarilly for the best, and not everyone in this world is christian or holds christian values. There is so much loving and sensible advice sparked by this post, that I hope she takes those to heart, not the ones that are to my mind downright mean.

Ru - posted on 08/11/2010

I dont think morality should change by generation. If you sleep with a guy you should know the consequences and if you dont want to end up married to him i dont see why you should be sleeping with him.

Leah - posted on 08/11/2010

I got pregnant for my first son in 1971, was not married, did not get married. Told anyone who ask if I was going to marry," I made one mistake I had no intention of making a second." I since married a man that is not my babies natural father and it has been a wonderful marriage.

Yurena - posted on 08/11/2010

Also, some people are insisting that a single parent cannot raise a child properly, they need two parents, etc. This cannot always be like this, sometimes one is just a waste of space and does no good to the children, some others, for whatever reason, one parent is not in the scene anymore. My best friend from childhood was raised by her mum. Her and her 3 siblings. Her father died in an accident just before she was born. They were all very nice and loved people.

Lindsay - posted on 08/11/2010

i just have to chime in one thing.. people seem to think it's marriage or single parenthood/living alone, custody battles etc. you don't know if her and bf are living together, which they may be, so those things need not apply!

Kelly - posted on 08/11/2010

First off I wanna say, good for you for sticking to your guns. I agree with you, I don't think just because your pregnant you have to get married. It drives me crazy when people do this, especially when the couple is already unstable.

Laurie - posted on 08/11/2010

I was 19 when I had my daughter. My mother insisted I marry the baby's father, although it had been a volatile and emotionally abusive relationship. I went ahead with it under great duress, and we were separated about 6 months later, and he ended up having his parental rights stripped when she was a toddler due to his abusive behaviour. I say you did the right thing. If there's one thing I could take back, it would be marrying that moron, and letting my mom pressure me into it so her grandchild wouldn't be "illegitimate".

Amanda - posted on 08/11/2010

i'm sorry to re-comment but.... i have to say some more. some of the comments off here are harch, and some ppl need to back off. i have been a single mother since i was 6 months pregnant. if you really look at it i was single since i found out i was pregnant. so i take affence when ppl comment and say you should marry a man(boy) just bc you had a baby with him. i will never say that it has been easy, but i would never change it. i have now found a man that treats me and my son like we are his family. we mean the world to him and he even tells us that everyday. i would never in my life ever go back to my sons dad.he is a jerk and has never treated me good. yes you have to look out for your child(ren) but that doesnt mean to marry a man you not sure your inlove with. ppl are human we all do things we should and sometimes we pay the price. but never the less im happy. what im going to say to you now is it's your life not everyone elses. you are the one that has to make sure your child is happy and cared for, if that means not being with the daddy then thats the way. i always make sure my son has everything he needs no matter what i have to go without. i made my life. do what you what and what you feel is right for your family.