Why do some men think that they have father rights?

Serene - posted on 01/28/2012 ( 152 moms have responded )

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My 20 month old doesn't know her father, she only seen him 4 times and he thinks that he can just come to my home and take her where ever he wants to go. I told him NO and now hes crying that I'm taking his father rights away from him Why do some men think this?

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[deleted account]

Fathers have rights thats why they think this. Your kid is genetically 50% his, so that makes him have EQUAL rights to the child unless the court says otherwise. If you didn't want him in the kids life, you shouldn't have bred with him.

Iridescent - posted on 01/28/2012

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It sounds like he's wanted to be involved from the start. He was the one "harassing" you for paternity of his own daughter. Then you go on to state that you had the state go after it - because you want money for child support? He's tried to call, he's tried to see her, and you've blocked every effort except 4. He does have rights. I'd also encourage him to fight for as much custody as possible. We got full custody of our twins at 22 months old - my husband's children. They do not and will not ever see their biological mother. Sometimes, that is the better situation when one parent absolutely refuses to put aside their wants for their child.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/28/2012

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Well, because he wants to see her, and he is the father. I don't agree with him coming and taking her whenever he wants, but talk to him about a schedule. If you do not feel comfortable with him taking her, you can have supervised visits. I do believe in a fathers rights as long as there is no history of violence or other reasons to keep him away. He does have rights, and if he really wants to, he can pursue them through the courts if you do not co-operate. Your daughter should have the chance to know her father, and the father should have the chance to know his daughter.



It is unfortunate he has not seen her more often, but if he is making an effort, maybe he should be able to.

Nancy - posted on 05/15/2012

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I think I don't understand the whole picture and I hate to be blunt and/or get personal, but to prove my point, I will. Was this a rape situation? I mean, were you kicking and screaming when this child was conceived? If not, then why was the baby's father good enough to have sex with, but not good enough (in *your* eyes) to see his baby? And what is it about this situation that gives you the right to decide that *you* are the better parent? The ONLY man that has a *right* to your daughter is her biological father. Even if you remarry, her biological father is the only one. Not paying child support and not acknowledging her as his daughter is no reason for you to refuse him. How long does he have to pay for your choice to be angry? That's what it is, Serene, you have a personal issue with him as the father. But still, he WAS good enough, at one time, for you to at least have sex with (if not a relationship too). Please reconsider your attitude. Who really is the better parent for your baby? The hostile one with an attitude or...? My fiance was just awarded sole custody (by a jury, 12-0) because his ex was hostile and controlling. He wasn't even asking for sole custody. Think about it. You may not think you are like this, but your post exudes attitude. Work with the man, let your issues with him go, and look at him for what he is...he's your baby's other parent - without him, you wouldn't even have her. What is your daughter supposed to think of herself if her mother thinks her father is a dumb jerk, a no good loser?? Is she supposed to think that she is half loser and half saint? And Serene, please don't take this personal, I'm not insulting you. I'm admonishing you to do the right thing. Now walk in the light you've been given, go and do good, do what's right. ~~ And this is really not just to Serene, it's to any mother that thinks she has exclusive rights to the child she simply wouldn't have if it were not for the other parent. Good luck and God bless - I sincerely hope you do the right thing for your baby.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/28/2012

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It does not matter how many times he has seen her. It matters that he is trying to be part of her life.

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Kimmie - posted on 06/13/2012

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Take Him To Court Get Something Threw The Courts, Then It Will Be On Your Terms When He Can Come Around And If He Messes Up That And Dont Come Around Then Its No Ones Fault But His Own, If He Truly Wants To Be In Her Life Let Him But Make It Clear That You Make The Rules, That Your Daughter Is Not A Pawn In Some Game That Can Be Played With And Just Tossed Back Now And Then, My Son Is 9 And His Dad Was The Same Way , Come Around When He Felt Like It, Took Him To Court And Never Even Showed Up To His First Visit, That Was 6 Years Ago......Sometimes We Have To The Hardest Things To Make Sure Our Children Are Happy And Trust Me Its Harder On Her To See Him Come And Go !

ANISHA - posted on 06/12/2012

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I believe a man that is actually there for his child has rights especially if he pays his childs support, and is physically in the childs life. However i understand that some men cant provide financial support, they still deserve rights if they show a constant interest in their child.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/12/2012

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Here's the thing though. Not all fathers are like the ones we have to deal with. A friend of mine up in AB- her brother is a wonderful dad and his ex just snatched his kid and now they have to worry if she'll be granted custody.

[deleted account]

Oh and one more thing, if baby was born out of wedlock, you legally have full cusody. Hope that helps.

[deleted account]

My daughter who is now 22 months, I raised from day one on my own. Her father came around after about a year and acted as though he knew exactly what he was doing as a "parent". He wanted to be "filled in" on everything and even when i changed my daughters day care he went off at me telling me how dare i not ask for his consent? I was FURIOUS at the audacity he had!!! I was like "really? Dad? While you've been picking roses in never never land i've actually been raising a child!
He has given me the 'you dont respect me as her father' talk too many times, it annoys me beyond belief.

You keep telling him NO, until baby is old enough and he arranges visitations with the court. And good on you mommy :)

Shannon - posted on 06/07/2012

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I want to start by saying that i am sorry to hear that your daughters father feels it is okay to be that way! I don't know why men do half of what they do most of the time ( or think ). I do not believe that it is fair to you at all for him to accuse you of taking away his fathers rights! It sounds to me like he is neglecting his fatherly responsibilitys! If he has only seen her 4 times and she is 20 months old then it is him not you that is the problem! And if he doesnt understand that i think it only shows that he is not mature enough to be a father,which is too bad because it seems that the children are always the ones that get hurt in this situation! Your daughter at 20 months has probably (just in my opinion) been young enough up to this point mainly that she may not be that affected by it yet.But in time if this man keeps up feeling that 2 times a year in average of seeing his daughter is enough it will begin to affect her more and more! My best advice to you is to perhaps see if you can talk to this guy and try and reason with him and get him to understand that you are not taking away his rights,he is neglecting his reponsibilities!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if he cannot understand that and the difference between the two then maybe you do need to take away his rights to protect your daughter! I have a daughter who just turned 9 years old and her father left right before she turned 4.He has over the past 5 years went from seeing her one day a week to one day a month and now he has gone as long as 6 months without seeing her.when a father doesnt want to be a consistant part of a childs life and be there when the child needs them,sometimes unfortunately it is better for them to go away all together it may hurt the child but children are resillent and will bounce back its when the father repeatedly comes and goes away again that it just prolongs that hurt.And no child deserves that.now i am not trying to tell you what to do.I am just trying to give you some advice from my experience.I hope it was a little helpful at least . Good Luck with your situation I hope it works out for the best for your daughter and you! =)

Amie - posted on 06/06/2012

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Hate to tell you but it is true. He can take your daughter and not give her back and you cant do anything (not that im saying he will) but unless you go to court and get a court order, you cant stop him. If he isnt abusive and its just a matter of you being mad at him for not staying you wont get far in court either. Parents have equal rights whether you both have been in the picture or not. You can however discuss with him and make some personal arrangements that suit you both as long as the focus is what is in the best interests of the child because at the end of the day the child has the right to develop a meaningful relationship with both parents. If you refuse the father to see the child and he takes you to court, the court will eventually give him 50% custody and there will be nothing you can do about it because that is the general process. Have a look online and research Parenting Plans. This is a general plan that you can make with the father that stipulate certain arrangements for him and the child to see each other etc. You can make one between yourselves and maybe get it signed by a justic of the peace or there are networks that support you through this (like mediation) and can make it a little more official but it wont hold as much ground as a court order, however it is close enough. Try your hardest to keep things civil for your childs sake, there is nothing worse then tension between you and the father and your child being exposed to it. Good luck xox

Jaymie - posted on 06/05/2012

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I think that if he wants to be a part of your daughter's life, he should approach you about it so you two can come to some sort of an arrangement. Suggest a schedule, for an example every second sunday. That way, you know when he's going to come get her, and your daughter also knows too. As for him just walking in, I don't think that's right! If he wanted to be a part of her life so bad, then why has he only seen her 4 times? Some guys only want to be a dad when it suits them, but unfortunately it's not like that. Being a parent is for life, so maybe you should ask him if he is actually willing to do that apposed to just popping in every now and then

Lee - posted on 06/05/2012

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I understand how you feel, but if he's on the birth certificate he definitely has rights, legally. Even if you were to leave the child at his home, just for a day out, he has the right to keep the child, because he's on the birth certificate. I believe to prevent that from happening do try setting visitation rights, that is, if you don't trust him. If he hasn't support your daughter there always child support, which does give you free paternity test, if needed and once the paternity test prove to be the father of the child, then that's when child support case is open. This will only help you if he works, because he he doesn't make money or "works under the table", your child support will not be provided for you. GOOD LUCK!

Amber - posted on 06/05/2012

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A father is someone who genuinely love and take care of their children no matter what the situation may be. A coward is someone who saw their child twice in their life and the kid is already two years old, and you call that a father? Then when people children come up missing, hurt, or even dead then everybody want to say well why did the judge do this or that when everyone knew from jump street what type of person this is, it's plenty of good father's out here so I would not consider a deadbeat a father. A child has a relationship with their father a bond, how can anybody be called a father only seeing a child twice and the child is two or whatever I don't get it. I am fortunate to have my FATHER in my life he always been here for me, not popping in and out or only seeing me twice then thinking things are ok. Noooo, that guy need to take some type of parenting class and some other things to see if he is even mentally stable because obviously he not if he can't even build a relationship with his little one. I'm not on here to argue with anyone or put anyone down but until you walked in someone shoes the same exact situation I don't really think it should be commented. I'm going thru the same crap, my daughter is three and a half her dad saw her maybe five times since she was born and it started at the age of two, and he still don't call, don't want to see her, but want to change her last name and just go to court like my daughter some freakn joke. He want to call shots so bad but can't because where have you been and it's the same thing just doing stuff to be in spite with me because he has a evil spirit and he is unhappy. Yes he is her father but do he have the right to just come get my daughter unsupervised and take her, nooooo, to traumatize her she don't know him. He can say i'm your father all day but how do she know when he don't attempt or return phone calls.

Stacey - posted on 06/05/2012

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I don't blame you, I would say NO as well. If he wants to come and bulid a relationship with her let him but you make the rules. Here's why if you deny him and when she gets older she may want to have had that relationship and you don't won't her looking at you like you was the reason why. I say you make the rules to protect yourself and daughter. You let him know when and where he can see his daughter. If he can't get with that then that's his problem not yours you gave him a chance and you daughter deserves better than someone who's gonna be in and out her life.

Leeanne - posted on 05/31/2012

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That sounds exactly how my ex is acting now! my sons father has not been consistant with seeing my son since he has been born. and hasnt been in my sons life for two years now. he all of a sudden hes whining and crying he wants to see his son. Some men are just plain idiots and think its ok to come and go as they please and it is NOT ok. i would tell him if he wants to see her then he needs to take it slow with her and get to know her. maybe go to a park and let them spend time together but you still be right there just incase she gets nervous or upset with him.

Amber - posted on 05/28/2012

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I'm in same situation, to be honest your doing the right thing not letting him take your daughter alone what mother in their right mind would let their child go with the father alone and don't know this person. I WOULD NOT, and don't care what people think about it. Go to court to set up supervised visitations, and if he meet the requirements then he will be able to months down the line come get her alone once she built some type of bond and trust with him. Don't just throw her to him forget that it will traumatize her. It's too many kids getting killed nowadays by parents or their parents mate. You don't know what this guy is doing if his home is set up properly for a 20 month old to be over there and also what type of company this guy kee. So please let me know as to what happen. My daughter is 3 her father saw her 5 times since she was two and expect to come pick her up alone and take her, oh hell no!! She ask about me when she is woith my mom or sister she want her mommy. So i'm in the process of going through court now. I hope everything turn out for the best for your little one because that's who it is about, don't deny her father but don't be a fool and let him just come take her before anything in court get documented. Is he on the birth certificate anyway? File for sole custody, I know where I live we only have physical custody of our children but file for sole custody to put you more at ease :)

Emily - posted on 05/28/2012

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Well, maybe they should state that too on the website because when someone asks for my REAL name I give it and if he wants to use this against me in court.. I am not bashing and it is all truthful so how can he use this to state his case, when he has done nothing facts are facts.

Emily - posted on 05/28/2012

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When I stated he signed himself up for child support... and he is paying that SHOULD mean that he is the father and paternity was granted. I did not know I had to state this, but i apologize for not clarifying. We have had numerous talks and agreements and he has broken them all so why should he think he should have custody , when he is the one abandononing the agreement.

Threenorns - posted on 05/28/2012

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emily wise: your situation is different.

if the father was not listed on the birth certificate, he cannot "sign himself up" for parental rights without a DNA test to prove paternity.

he can file for custody all he likes but if you can demonstrate that he has not proven to be interested in fulfilling his responsibilities as a father up to this point, he is *highly* unlikely to get it.

you might want to consider changing your name when you post stuff like this - he can use it against you in court.

Emily - posted on 05/28/2012

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Serene,
Wow. I know exactly where you are coming from. However, I find it very fusterating that some people on here can not be more empathetic (walking in someone else's shoes). My son's father did a lot of cheating while I was pregnant and after my son was born he dismissed his son and I told him to leave because I wasnt putting up with it anymore. He lived in the same town as me and did not do JACK while I struggled to work, hold the fort down, and find a baby sitter. I asked him for a few dollars here and there and he barely did. Down the road he tells me he gets tired of me nagging for $20 dollars a week and a box of pampers and wipes a month and tells me to file for child support. I never did because my son's father did not sign the certificate and my son had my last name and I didnt want anything to jeporadize my son being taken by custody or anything. My son was born in 09 his father decided to watch him here and there, but in the process he got himself a witch of a gf. who wanted to cause problems between any small communication me and my son's father had.. and in 2012 , yes 2012. He decides to sign HIMSELF up for child support. Upset that he did not know how to budget he got hit in the head at 66$ a week and had the nerve to ask me to lower it. Make a long story short he barely sees him and does not call and changed his number. SO i moved because I had no one to watch my son and I drop him by, so he can see his father and his father has the nerve to tell me he is filling for custody!!!!!!! When he can not see his son willingly. SO YES! I know the feeling of giving your child to a "parent" who is like a stranger and the communication sucks and your child comes back to you dirty and everything you struggle to do for your child is not good enough in the other parents eyes. IT IS VERY FUSTERATING and sometimes you have had enough and you just want to be alone. My son was a planned child and there were not any warning signs of his father's behavior and I chose to leave too.

Michelle - posted on 05/27/2012

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If you have gone through the court, a schedule should have been set up. Also, you have to let him see her (as per the court system). If you were ever to go for fathers rights removed, he can say that you do not allow him visitation and that is why he never sees her. Which makes you look bad. I keep a calendar for all calls and visits. It's easy to fill out because it's pretty close to 2 times a year for visits and calls. (PATHETIC). This is valid and court and shows the infrequency of his calls and visits. Hopefully that will be enough to remove rights!

My advice, keep a calendar of visits and phone calls. List how long the visits are, how much notice he have you and also if he is on time or if he is late picking and dropping her off. Once the visitation schedule has been established through the court, stick to that. If he doesn't show up on his day to take her, he doesn't get extra the next time. MAKE SURE TO WRITE IT DOWN! If you were to with hold visitation, you can be held in contempt of court.

I know it hurts, but he does have a right to see his daughter. Just be glad that he is trying (now) I will say, I like to remind my ex that my fiance and I are raising my son (in mean subtle ways). Like reminding him that I taught him how to ride a bike, that he is a mini-me and he calls my fiance dad and calls his real father by his first name. Be a deadbeat dad, get treated like one. Either way, my son is happy and healthy, and I get a week break every 6 months.

Threenorns - posted on 05/25/2012

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LeeAnn Miller - that would work in jurisdictions where you're allowed to do that.

in canada, however, child support is determined by the paying parent's salary, nothing else. it's a fixed schedule that can only be deviated from if both parents are agreeable or unless there's been an income review and the judge determines that the schedule payment is unfair (ie, in the case of a the custodial parent having a good income and the non-custodial parent being on minimum wage).

C.Alex - posted on 05/24/2012

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He has the right because hes the father. A parent plan should be in place to keep the peace, to form bundaries, to form stronger realtionships within the family and most importantly to keep negative feelings of exactly what your talking about, out of each others family homes where your child will be when visiting/living with your childs father and the members of his family.
Start a parenting plan!!!
***Parenting plan will also aid in developing a child support amount thats owed to you for his absence to raise, feed, cloth and house your son.

[deleted account]

I'm lucky enough to be SAHM, for the last 13 years. Ages 13,11,9 years old. Being in the military, I have seen NINETY percent or higher of fathers I know (probably 70 percent of those were GREAT dads) get completed shafted, basically losing most, if not all, rights to be a dad. Yet they are required to pay sometimes as much as $1000 a kid in child support. Some of the moms and recipients of all that money are also active duty, ensuring a decent check, on base housing, cheaper shopping on base (food and clothes) and excellent child care, usually less than off base. Another small amount of mothers hold down a civilian job and many more are SAHM's.

I can understand child support from dad's to SAHM's would be higher, because the dad had been paying 100% of the child's needs during the marriage anyhow. A SAHM of kids younger than school age and/or homeschooled or special needs are the ONLY instances I believe the father should pay MORE than 50% of the care of the childl

Otherwise, since parents decided to break up the family, they should be equally responsible under the law to pay 50% each of EVERY expense having to do with the child. It is sickening to see all of these honorable military men, all loving and missing their kids due to deployments anyway, being restricted even further in the time they are able to spend with their children. Not all are perfect and I know that, and on occasion punish the child by refusing to pay child support, thinking they are getting back at the ex-wife.

Assuming, however, that both parents worked before the divorce, the custodial parent should be as financially responsible for the child as the non-custodial parent.

Here is what I envision, amounts used are for simplicity in my examples, based on 2 children:

Food = $100 per month, per child; each parent pays $50 per month per child, they should also each pay 50% of whatever the cost of school lunches.

Clothing (no brainer) Based on $600 per year per child = $50 per month, per child for a total of $100. Each parent pays $50 per month per child. Also, if required, school uniforms should be paid 50% per child.

Education: Each child has a $150 in supplies needed for the whole year = each parent pays $75 per child, per year. If child attends private school, each parent pays 50% of tuition per child per yer.

Housing (a little tricky), based on a 3 bedroom apt. = In the same housing complex/area, the fee for a 1bedroom is $500, for a 3 bedroom rent is $700. The cost of actual rent for the children, each having his/her own room, is $100 per month, per child. Each parent should pay $50 per child, $100 total.

Transportation: Each parent should pay half the cost of maintaining the vehicle used to transport the child, using the same vehicle used during the marriage. Any upgrade of vehicle after the divorce must have the approval of both parents. If custodial parent buys upgraded vehicle without approval, then the non-custodial payment should only be able to claim the cost of fuel used for or on behalf of children. (to and from school, kids' clothes shopping, medical/dental appts., grocery shopping, etc.) If the "divorce" time vehicle still required payments, each parent pays half the pymt. If the vehicle is traded in w/o agreement of the non-custodial parent, the entire car payment.

Gifts (Birthday, Christmas) = A gift account should be established, with each parent paying into it equally, every month. Figure $1200 per month for both kids = $600/kid/year = $50 per kid, per month for 12 months a year.

I'm sure there are other costs that should be addressed and I believe there should be a fairly easy equation to figure out the price per year of raising a child and that each parent should pay half. Granted, this model only works if both parents were already working before/at the time of, the divorce.

The only time a parent (usually the father) should be paying more than the fifty percent model is if the spouse was a SAHM from babyhood to divorce.

I am tired of seeing men get the shaft by both ex-wives and judges, alike.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Julie - posted on 05/19/2012

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Can you talk to him? Frankly, you may be better off working something about between you if that's possible. I'd ask him - "what is it you want with regard to visitation?" and "what do you think would be in the best interest of our daughter with regard to visitation?" You certainly don't want him to have no contact at all for months and then all of a sudden have her for a week (or more).

As hard as it may be, I'd invite him in for coffee or a soda and sit down together to make decisions that will benefit your little girl. I'd keep things as cordial as I could and continue to remind him you both want what's best for your daughter.

Threenorns - posted on 05/17/2012

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plain and simple, because unless the courts have stripped him of his parental rights, he does.

denying him access to his child and talking him down to your child is called "Parental Alienation" and gives him grounds to take you to court.

[deleted account]

Perhaps because...you didn't get yourself pregnant? Your relationship not working out doesn't alter biology or genealogy. He didn't become less her father because you two aren't together. How would you feel if he had her and decided to not allow you to see her, or required you to jump through as many hoops as possible just to please HIM (because let's be honest here, it's not your oblivious infant daughter you're making him prove himself to), ridiculed you, deemed you unworthy, kept her from you through control games then accused you of not being around? Just imagine how you would feel. He has every single right to a relationship with his child that you do. My advice would be to cooperate and let him in her life NOW while she's still so young. Let them foster a relationship, for your daughter's sake. Regardless of what he may have done wrong in the past, why would you fight against him trying to do the right thing now? It is not in your child's best interest emotionally to make things as difficult as possible for her to have a relationship with her dad. I have seen firsthand what it does to children when a mother discourages a relationship with the father simply out of her own negative feelings toward him; it can cause lifelong, sometimes irreparable, damage...and not to him, to that innocent child caught in the middle. I don't want to offend you-I'm sure you're not consciously thinking of it this way-but please, for your child's sake, consider very honestly your motives and how selfish and unfair to your child it would be to project YOUR view of her dad (based on YOUR relationship with him) onto your child who is NOT you, and whose relationship with him would be of a totally different nature and has nothing to do with how things are  between you and him. Give him a chance to learn how to take care of her, and to love her, and have a positive relationship. If your fear is honestly that he doesn't have enough expertise about children, help him. Ask the court to require a parenting class and supervised visits to gradually increase to unsupervised as he learns. If he's just clueless, instead of using his ignorance about caring for a baby against him, because that does nothing to help your child, put your pride aside and help him get to the resources he needs to be a good dad. The fact is, if he goes to court he WILL be granted some sort of visitation so why not take the high road now and do what is best for your child in the long run, which is to help ensure by any means within your power that he is prepared to take care of her. Instead of wasting time and energy focusing on fighting him off, to no benefit whatsoever for your daughter.

Suki - posted on 05/14/2012

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My personnel opinion is they only do things like that to get at you!!!!
No man that walks out of his child's life deserves to be called dad, sorry you cannot mess a child's head up, the effect it has on the child emotionally and mother to having to pick up the pieces and explain only confuses the child more. Therefore no stability in child's life.
BUT THE LAW IS MESSED UP!!!

Michelle - posted on 05/08/2012

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I am sorry you are having troubles and it sounds like you have hurt feelings toward the father of your daughter. The fact of the matter is you need to think about your daughter. if you try to withhold vistation from her father your daughter will know it was you that didn't let her see him. I understand you are trying to protect her but she will not understand. ( i was that little girl once)
She is her father and regardless of child support being payed or not he does have legal rights to see his daugher. now poping in and our is something he will have to face and deal with when she starts asking. don't answer for him make her ask him directly. It is know thought that if a mother trys to withhold visitation a child will resent that mother in the future and I know you don't want that.
Document everything. When he said he would come or call and when he did or when he didn't. It is BEST for a child to have both parents in their life. Try to put aside your hurt feelings and think about your daughter.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/25/2012

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My ex didn't like that I was listed as the petitioner and he was the respondant! How's that for splitting hairs? And his wife didn't like that my lawyer was the one drawing up the agreement. FFS, they fired their lawyer the day before the final court date. Who else was going to write it? Was God going to come down with some stone tablets?



He now lives in GA and I live in BC. When I was petitioning the court to move to BC from NY last year (this started near the end of 2010) He never even showed up and the judge (same one from last time) told him he had to or his case would be thrown out.



I do know that all birth father's aren't like that though. My friend's brother is going through court right now with his ex girlfriend because he never thought to write up anything for court because he took care of his daughter and his ex just went and took her for a visit and left for BC (my friend and her brother live in AB) So now he got screwed over.

Lisa - posted on 03/25/2012

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I had to go through Legal Aid. We didn't even make it to the courtroom before he was bitching about something on the agreement.



That is funny though about the judge doing that.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/25/2012

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Lisa, my ex was like that but the judge just put his foot down and told him to sign it and stop whining about the wording.

Lisa - posted on 03/25/2012

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Beats me!! My son is 5 and he hasn't seen his father since he was 2. We don't have anything court ordered, which I have tried to do but never worked out because the agreement the lawyer drew up, he didn't agree with.



He talks all big and tough and says he loves him and misses him, but when it comes to him coming and visiting him, he runs away with his tail between his legs. Honestly I wish he'd just forget about my son completely and tend to his wife and 2 sons he has with her.



Go to court. I wish I had of from the beginning.

Kirstin - posted on 03/20/2012

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My kids are nearly 4 and nearly 5 and have no idea who there real dad is. He wants nothing to do with them and I dont even know where he is. Yet if he was to come back into the country he would wtill have rights to being a father to them. They dont descrimate here in NZ and believe they can all change. It sux as I cannot serve him either.

Some men have no idea and then others like my partner wants his more and the ex turns around and says no... So its not just men

Barb - posted on 03/19/2012

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I hate when "fathers" use that my ex use to use I have rights all the time, but didn't even show up every month like we planned out. She had no idea who he was at all she was very smart baby, but he wasn't there for her to connect it. I hope things go well and you get what you want!

Arrynne - posted on 03/15/2012

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It does not matter if he is not paying child support, if he only see's the child every once in awhile. Unless you have a court document stating that you have sole custody and he has no rights to the child than he has rights as a father. Without a court agreement he can take the child and leave with her and there is nothing you can do about it. The cops wont get the child back for you unless you have a court order stating that she belongs with you or unless the child is in immediate danger (he is a drug abuser, drunk, child molester, etc).

Nancy - posted on 03/13/2012

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For what I learned from my experience with my children father. Every father has a right to visit their children regardless if they pays the child support or not. If you dont want the father to come and visit the child, then you gonna have to take him to friend of court and file some paperworks to remove his visitation rights. Also, if the father has his name on the birth certification, pays the child support, or what so ever, and you might want to file for full custody otherwise there's a problem with the custody between you and the father. Better move fast before it's too late.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/13/2012

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Serene, I have a response to something you said back in January about not having to protect your rights because of an hour distance. Horse apples!



I live in BC my ex lives in GA I have to keep my custody and visitation papers with me. Even when I lived in NY I had to have them. And when ever I go from Canada into the US I have to have them to show the boarder guards that I have full legal custody of my older daughter. Having your parental rights spelled out legally in court is very important.



I have a friend whose brother didn't think he needed anything written up in court about having custody of his daughter since his ex girlfriend was living in BC and he lives in AB. Well she took their daughter for a visit into BC and is now refusing to give her back. And there is nothing that my friend's brother can do legally because there is nothing in court about who has custody.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/12/2012

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The point is though that you shouldn't use your child as a pawn because of what the father did to you.



My ex is king of the Douche bags. He left me when I was very sick and our daughter was only 6 months old. He played little mind games with me and he and his wife harassed me all through our custody hearings (which was pretty stupid on their part I might add) But that was between him and me. That wasn't our daughter's problem, it was his. If my daughter (she's 7 now) wants to have a relationship with her father, it's her business.



Whether we like it or not, fathers do have rights. Whether or not the court decides that he should be granted full rights has a lot to do with how we as mothers react.

Christiine - posted on 03/12/2012

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same here my girl and boy have different dads my boys dad fucked off as soon as i told him i was pregnant havent herd or seen him since then and my girls dad left me to starve when i was pregnant and harassed me and threatened me and says u got til monday to let me see her i have rights to her to i am her father but yet he never phoned through the pregnancy till the 9th month

Kathy - posted on 03/09/2012

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Shawwn you are right I have seen both sides and mhy husbands ex would get in his boys faces and say your dads a piece of s*** and she would move all over hell and back trying to make it as hard as possible for him to see his children !! for 15 yrs he put up with her, and now his oldest son has absolutely NOTHING to do with her, did not invite her to his wedding ( we were there) didn't even tell her they are expecting a baby!!! We knew from the beginning his son doesn't want the crazy woman in his life, she did nothing but talk bad about his dad and he knew it was lies!!!!! My husband was and is an excellent dad but to hear her talk hes the biggest dead beat, but she always got her child support on time but she never told her kids that little piece of info always told them he didn't pay and luckily he had the prooof that he did !!! And he saw them as much as he could even with her evil mouth every time he did get them, so don't try and keep child from their dad and don't talk bad about him to the children you will regret it one day!

Sarah - posted on 03/09/2012

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Reading the OPs comments confuse me. She states the father doesn't know her very well and hasn't seen her much, but she also says she won't let him visit her daughter. She's frustrated that he he denied paternity, but apparently he pushed her for 2 years to get a paternity test. Why would she not do it? She's frustrated that he hasn't paid her child support, but doesn't seem to realize that the courts don't recognize it as nothing to do with visitation. IMO her daughter doesn't know her father because her MOTHER is preventing him from forming a relationship with her unless it's under her terms. It sounds to me like she's trying to control the situation because of her feelings of anger, jealousy, whatever towards her baby's Daddy and in a way is trying to punish him for leaving her. I don't think she realizes that the one who is going to lose out is her daughter, and potentially her because courts won't look positively on the fact she is preventing him and his family from forming a relationship with his child. What he does or where he goes while he has his visitation is really none of her business. If he wants to take her to meet her grandparents (his family), he has a right to do that. She needs to let go of what is best for her and start focusing on what is best for her daughter. Getting to know her father and his family is in her best interest, and has nothing to do with the mother.

Kathy - posted on 03/09/2012

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michelle I was not in any way disrespectful to anyone I am not gonna shut up go read my posts again I am giving advice and I have been on both sides I do know what I am talking about I did not say she shouldn't go for support but he is the dad and has that right to see his child support and visitation are two different things!

Kathy - posted on 03/09/2012

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I am not trying to be mean but the child has a dad and mom needs to let him be dad. If he was such a bad person like judge judy says you picked him! He has rights and you women know I am right about how some women now days will try to trap young men to hold on to them! And if the dad wants a paternity test then whats the problem ? I don't blame them for wanting to be sure! Its their right to know if the child is or isn't theirs and then if they step up and want to do the right thing good for them. some of the women the men are damned if they do and damned if they don't you can't have it both ways!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/09/2012

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Yeah, Megan, I know...LOL...and, actually, the decision on the support was mine, believe it or not! I'd never felt my dad owed my mom any money for not letting us see him either.



Just for the record, tho, we did finish paying...we just made her think about what she'd started. And, actually, we used it as a "teaching moment" for our boys...LOL...and it's working!



When they CHOOSE to remove themselves, that's another story, entirely, and they should pay.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/09/2012

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Nita's right. Which is also why he could just take the baby. My friend's brother's ex girlfriend did that last week- they live in Alberta and she took the 3 year old to BC and just told him she wasn't bringing his daughter back. Not much can be done without custody being in place so the sooner you get an actual court order the better.



Shawnn, don't worry I agree with you (except for the child support thing, because my ex husband chose to take himself out of our daughter's life. He never calls except on Christmas and her birthday and just sends a birthday present and a very late Christmas present) There are women who do the same thing to their exes. My friend's brother was the one raising their daughter and he was nice enough not to try and go to court and have custody and child support drawn up (which was pretty stupid on his part) so this wouldn't be able to happen. What some women fail to realise is that many men want a relationship with their children, but they are kept from doing so by some women who are just angry or controling about visitation. My MIL was like that until my husband and his brother's got older and sadly my husband is the only one who has a real relationship with his dad. Oh and he resents his mom for playing games with his visits with his father.



But yes, most men believe they have father rights because they kinda sorta helped to make the baby since no one gets pregnant on their own. And as I have been saying before if you do refuse visitation now when you two do finally go to court it will reflect badly on you. Because you refused to allow him to establish a relationship with his daughter. He didn't do anything- except stupidly refuse to see her for a few months and believe that you'd find it somewhere in your heart to forgive him and allow him to see his child.



And Michelle, Kathy did say some not all. Please read before you rant.

Nita - posted on 03/09/2012

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if there is no custody order in place and dad is on the birth certificate, dad has absolutely equal rights to the mom and can take baby whenever he wants. he will only be given supervised visits if he is unfit.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/07/2012

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Hey, Michelle,



Kathy is only trying to provide a viewpoint from the male side, which she has witnessed thru her own husband, much as i have mine.



And, she makes some very good points. My hubby was in the same situation, had the same bitch of an exwife that refused to let him see his daughter. Child support or not. So we quit paying child support! (Personally, I think it should all be related, if the guy can't see his kids, and he DOESN'T have a criminal past, then he shouldn't have to pay for children he has no relationship with).



To the original poster: Go to court. Get custody and visitation figured out. Because he IS the biological father, and whether you like it or not, he DOES have the right to have a relationship with the child that he helped to create.



Yep, I'm obviously going to get a "talking to" by a few on this board, but this is reality. It doesn't help that baby one bit to keep her from a father that is interested, and in the long run it just creates a very bitter person.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/07/2012

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Well, maybe because he is her father? And, maybe because he'd like to spend time with his kid? Just off the cuff, that's usually why most men "think" they have father rights...



My suggestion to you, if he is the proven father, then get a custody agreement and child support in place. That way, he can spend time with his kid, and you can get support.



Because, yes, he may have not wanted the baby to begin with, but it sounds like maybe he wants to try now. And, if you continue to refuse, like others have said, he can take YOU to court and it won't be nice that way, either, because then you will feel like you've been forced into it.



Better to gracefully accept that he's wanting to exercise the rights to the child that he helped create, and get some child support with the deal.

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