why do some moms not show love to one child as the other?

Cindy - posted on 08/24/2009

Quoting Jodi:

I know I show my love and affection to each of my children in different ways because they respond differently to different things, they have different personalities and they are vastly different ages (one is a 12 year old boy, the other a 4 year old girl). But that doesn't mean I favour either of them. Is this what is happening maybe? Just another perspective that may make sense.....

That's exactly how I am. My children are close together in age, but they are all different. My oldest is a comic, my 2nd is a daredevil, my 3rd is a princess and daredevil, and my youngest so far is a cuddle bunny. :)

Even though I hate to say it, some people do actually prefer one child over another. Maybe she was young and imature when she had the first child and that's the root of the problem? Maybe the "preferred" child is more like her? Or it could be PPD like some people have stated. You just never know. The only thing that you can be sure of since you've noticed it in someone else is the fact that YOU love YOUR children equally, and that's all that matters.

Kristin - posted on 08/24/2009

Growing up, I always felt my younger sister garnered more attention and more love. I was jealous of her brains and her ability to win so many great friends. I thougth for sure my mom loved her more then me.



I was so wrong, and did you know my sister thought the same thing, she thought mom loved me more then her.



As an adult now I see that my mom was trying to do her best by both of us, giving us what she thought we needed and wanted.



And also sometimes one child needs her more then the other at different periods of time.

Loretta - posted on 08/19/2009

Dont worry Tamara, I go through the same thing. I'm 40 yrs old & I found the people [brother & sister] who 'lean' on her the most get the attention.

Tamara - posted on 08/08/2009

I've often wondered the same thing. My mother never showed any real affection towards me while favoring my younger brother. I have no answers only the same question.

Marta - posted on 08/08/2009

Both of my boys are very different. Michal is very independent and generally doesn't care to be cuddled unless he comes up and cuddles up to you but Sebastian is VERY needy in terms of physical affection. As long as we tell Michal that we love him and we give him kisses and hugs when he wants/ needs them then he's content but with Sebastian if he could he would snuggle all day long, and as you can imagine, with a 3 month old that's not always possible. It may seem like we don't love Michal as much (from the outside looking in) because we're not as physically reassuring with him but we love him just as much as we love Sebastian and Brianna. I hope that helps you with understanding this phenomenon.

Elaine - posted on 08/08/2009

Generally, we get on with some people better than others. Our children are not just mini-me's but individuals in their own right. Most parents get along more easily with one or another of their children (though they probably wouldn't want to admit it). Denying your feelings just makes it harder. If you accept these difficult feelings, it is easier to work on loving the child for who they are. Spending some special time with each child strengthens the bond (eg maybe when the other one is at a birthday party or friends house). All the best to you and your children.

Beverly - posted on 08/07/2009

As a 66 yr. old great-grandmother I can tell you from living a long time and seeing results,these ladies are giving you good advice.The most important thing in your child's life is knowing they are loved unconditionally.Good luck!!

Annick - posted on 08/07/2009

Hello wendy it is tough raising children not easy at all. I think that when someone is going through that the mother needs to sit down and look and think why and where is the difference why am i closer to one child. You should be able to get the answer yourself. I think it is important to see a counselor they will help the mother find the problem and then at least you will be on your way then to recovery.

Christina - posted on 08/07/2009

Although I don't agree with showing children favor, maybe this child shares the exact same personalality as the mother and they just clash. I find this with my 15yr old daughter and I. Unlike the mother you speak of, some days I have to give her a little extra sugar and give her some one on one time to make sure my daughter knows how much I love her and how important she is to me and our family. This also helps getting into the mind of a teenager -understanding what she thinks and how she feels and it keeps the communication line open with her. I doubt this mother is mental, I think she just needs to be educated.

Elmari - posted on 08/07/2009

Yes it can be very different reasons. Maybe the person did'nt want to be pregnant in the first place with the second baby, and was'nt happy during pregnancy and blame the child for something that go wrong. Talk to a psychologist. They can help you best.

Leone - posted on 08/07/2009

We quickly realised that our two boys are very different, one loves constant contact and the other prefers one on one time. I think you also tend to get along better with children that have the similar personalities to you. I highly recommend the Love Language of Children to work out the best way to interact with your children. Our boys are now 22 and 18 and we have a wonderful relationship with them both and most of their friends

Jodi - posted on 08/05/2009

I know I show my love and affection to each of my children in different ways because they respond differently to different things, they have different personalities and they are vastly different ages (one is a 12 year old boy, the other a 4 year old girl). But that doesn't mean I favour either of them. Is this what is happening maybe? Just another perspective that may make sense.....

Jane - posted on 08/05/2009

probably overwhelmed as most moms are. maybe she feels that she can't handle both so she puts all of her energy into one, b/c she feels that she can do one right. she should reach out and call her OB or GP and find a therpist to talk with. it's more common than you think and nothing to be ashamed of. it would only be a shame if she didn't ask for help on this.
my mother worried about having her 2nd child b/c she was concerned about giving both kids equally 50 percent of her time. but she said when you are together sooooooooooo much, your time overlaps and they are both getting about 85% of your time as well as seeing you with eachother, they learn about love and affection and learn very quickly how to be compassionate and loving toward one another so that when you can't be the one giving out the love, they have learned to give it to eachother. my mom had 7 kids and we are all very well loved by her, our dad and each other.

Brianna - posted on 08/05/2009

There is soooo many reasons for this behavior...most some how explainable to emotional or mental issues...or even hormonal...all of which with the right help can really change the situation...but at some point only the mother can make the choice to see and change it..as hard as it is on the child...

Dona - posted on 08/05/2009

I totally agree with Margaret, she might have post partum depression. It happened to someone I know and we finally said something to her husband who called the doctor and sure enough, they diagnosed her. She started taking medication and we saw a big change. If that's not it, maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it. Not sure how someone would approach that but if it were a family member of mine, I would say something with examples ready and be ready for the tears or anger and the consequences, love hurts.

Margaret - posted on 08/05/2009

maybe shes suffering with depression