Why do soooo many women give men a free pass to be lazy?

Jessica - posted on 02/13/2012

I wish more men felt the same way your husband does. My being one of those who feels he did his job, he busted his butt(which is what pays our bills, while I work part time), and when he gets home he takes a hot shower and then expects hot food, he may spend a little time playing with our daughter, but his patience doesn't last long. Then he is ready to watch what tv shows he likes or plays some video games (in bed). We continue to argue about all you have said above and its like banging my head on a wall. Very frustrating.

Jessica - posted on 02/13/2012

I wish more men felt the same way your husband does. My being one of those who feels he did his job, he busted his butt(which is what pays our bills, while I work part time), and when he gets home he takes a hot shower and then expects hot food, he may spend a little time playing with our daughter, but his patience doesn't last long. Then he is ready to watch what tv shows he likes or plays some video games (in bed). We continue to argue about all you have said above and its like banging my head on a wall. Very frustrating.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/10/2012

Laura I'd tell Lee he could do his own laundry because he had been doing it himself until I moved up here. but there's not much of a point. I do make him fold and put away his stuff because if I have to put his shirts away my OCD will kick in and I will take out every damn shirt and refold the way I like it.



He also doesn't feel comfortable bathing the baby so I do that myself, he just hands her to me and then takes her out.

Laura Zoey - posted on 02/10/2012

Yeah Megan I don't let Matt do laundry :) I like it done my way and I think it's less work to do it myself then let him do it his way. He's fine with the arrangement and he does plenty. Same with most of the baby duty, I do it my way and he does things his way so I like doing certain stuff myself.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/10/2012

I've let my husband cook a few times, but I'm bossy so I like some things done a certain way. This is also why I do the laundry. I don't like how anyone else does my laundry and I am always giving orders on how certain clothes need to be done.



However Lee does make the bed, fold sheets and towels and wash dishes. He can cook- mostly burgers or Kraft dinner (he's Canadian it's part of his citizenship thing that he has to know how to make Kraft dinner) He has done stir fry and will chop stuff up when I make stew. Oh and Lee is good at baby duty. :) So I guess I'll keep him.

Sherri - posted on 02/10/2012

You are very fortunate Laura as I said mine can't cook.

Laura Zoey - posted on 02/10/2012

Well I don't 'let' him cook. He lets me help sometimes though!

Matt cooks very healthy whole foods. He cooks such a variety I never know what new thing he will come out with!

He's quick too. I swear I spend more time staring in the fridge then he does making a three course meal!

Last night he made this amazing meal with rice, Chinese type stir fry, pesto orzo, and extra beef thrown in. It was awesome.

Stifler's - posted on 02/09/2012

My husband would use a whole thing of oil and a block of cheesse a day if he cooked

Sherri - posted on 02/09/2012

Oh lord I could not let my husband cook. If I did it would be macaroni & cheese, hamburger helper or something equally as processed and unhealthy as that is all my husband knows how to cook.

Laura Zoey - posted on 02/09/2012

Haha I haven't read any comments and I doubt I will as there's a ton!

But in my house my husband is a partner. He does for his family out of common decency. He cooks most every good meal we eat. He and I shop together most every time. He will take out the trash every time I ask and he will sometimes clean up with me!

He is far from lazy as I stay home and work from home and he goes to work.

I feel like he does more then his fair share and I'm grateful he is so kind and giving for the family we created together.

Mari-Ane - posted on 02/09/2012

thanks i look forward to trying those out :-)

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/09/2012

My husband says to start leaving the forks sharp end up in his chair or on his side of the bed. Also unplug everything and then confront him because sometimes just talking won't help

Mari-Ane - posted on 02/09/2012

the thing is i do tell him, but it seems to only last him a few days before he goes straight back to it.. grrrrr im getting to the point of exploding now

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/08/2012

Mari Ane I agree with Jill. I'd get on his case about how he's not helping you out before one of your children get hurt

Jill - posted on 02/08/2012

Mari-Ane, I wouldn't put up with it. That is very dangerous for the kids.

Mari-Ane - posted on 02/07/2012

My hubby work's 5 days a week but its not a very physical job and is home by 5:30pm I how ever work from 7pm till mid night 3 nights a week and still have to be up with our daughter of 7 months and im also 2 months pregnant again, If i didn't cook clean and look after him like he's a bloody little child, i just wouldn't get anywhere and would forever be arguing.I've asked so many time's for him to 'not leave knives and forks on the floor' to stop leaving me Unnecessary washing up...... ohh grrrrrr just makes me so angry that sometimes i think it would be easier to be a single parent... at least that way i would only have 2 children to look after not three

Medic - posted on 02/04/2012

My kids are 5y and 2y and they both clean up their room and play room. They both put their dishes in the dishwasher, and they both help unload it. The two year old just puts up the stuff in the bottom cabnets that my older one hands her. They take their laundry to the laundry room, they both help feed the dog, they pick up trash or anything too big for the vaccume.They just do it because it has been expected since they could do anything for themselves. They clean up their dinner table and the floor under it. there are always things kids can do.

Krystal - posted on 02/04/2012

I have a three year old is there any chores arond the house that he can do to start teaching respnsibility.

Amy - posted on 02/02/2012

It's not the mans fault, it's moms who do everything for their kids, especially boys. I watch my ex-sister in law do everything for her boys even make desperate dinners for them. Me I'm mean, my son (who's 10) is always being reminded that it is his job as a man to take care of his family. When he steps up to the plate and helps with things that aren't his job (like helping with his little sister) I praise him for being my hero, which in turn makes him feel good about helping me. Maybe more moms need to cut that apron string and remember they will be giving their boy to a woman someday and do they want that poor girl to go through all the crap they went through with their lazy man?

Kelly Janise - posted on 02/02/2012

I totally agree!!

Kelly Janise - posted on 02/02/2012

I totally agree!!

MsCharlie - posted on 02/01/2012

Oh the shit list sounds like a winner!!!!!! Everybody gets to see what they do and be rewarded ... going to try that out.



Ive had some therapy ... and Ive been doing what was suggested ... it's so one sided that its tires me out ... I will have to try harder, I guess



Thank you Krista

Krista - posted on 02/01/2012

He'll say he's too busy for therapy or that he just doesn't want to go ... Soooo, do I go alone and as a result, I realize he's not the one for me?



Not necessarily. You could go to therapy alone, and perhaps learn different ways to communicate with him, which might help him understand that you are shouldering more than your fair share. Therapy isn't really about changing someone else's behaviour. It's about seeing patterns, and figuring out what it is that you're doing that ISN'T working, and finding out ways to change how you approach problems, so that you guys aren't always having the same old fights in the same old way.



One method that some couples use is to put a whiteboard "chore chart" up on the wall. You've got all your chores on there, divided into daily and weekly chores. When you do a chore, you check it off. This can be very useful because a) the man can actually see how much you're doing, and b) he can see what still needs to be done, instead of you waiting for him to "notice". You can even make it a little contest -- whoever gets a dozen chores checked off first gets a back rub from the other person, or some other nice treat. My husband and I do that for big jobs. We call it "The Shit List". So right now, I can look at the shit list and see that the light fixtures in our bathroom need cleaning, go do it, and check it off. He can see that our baseboards need painting, and go do it, and check it off. No nagging required.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/01/2012

Marylin, DH says to say things to him such as 'What would your mother think?' and 'Guess you're not getting any tonight' From a guy's perspective he'd tell your husband: 'Hey asshole, if you want to keep your family you'd better step it up.' DH isn't big on guys not pulling their own weight.



I have to argue with DH sometimes to cook dinner, but he does all the dishes and the vaccuuming and puts away his own clothes. I do the laundry because as I told my neighbour yesturday 'I don't like how my husband washes clothes or folds them'. DH also changes diapers and stays up with our baby at night so I can get sleep. I do the main grocery shopping, but mostly because he's got work to do on the computers.

MsCharlie - posted on 02/01/2012

WOW!! I thought I was in this boat of "un-even responsibility" on my own ... I hear all of your stories, even the ones that say its not healthy for us (the Moms). But what do we do? How do I keep my "family" together? He'll say he's too busy for therapy or that he just doesn't want to go ... Soooo, do I go alone and as a result, I realize he's not the one for me? What about the children? They love having there Dad in the house (just recently moved back in together ... 2nd time around) but they too see the stress it causes me to ... be responsible for the bills, cleaning, cooking, working AND going to school parttime, while taking my son and daughter to sporting events ... Im spread waaaayy to thin ... and Im about to give up ... What to do????



Oh and I take my hat off to all the Dad's, husbands, boyfriends that will do what they SEE is necessary for their mates, it gives me hope ... :-)

Anika - posted on 01/31/2012

I completely agree with you! And my partner is not one of 'those' guys AT ALL.



I've always believed, while the man (or women, whoever is working) is at work, it's my responsibility to keep the house tidy while they're gone. When they get home, we tidy together. Weekends, we tidy together. They don't get to just come home and sit down, not when I don't.



My fiance helps me with a lot of the housework, gives me sleep ins, goes grocery shopping with my son sometimes. I am very lucky because he does go above and beyond. He can't understand men who don't want to help either. He knows from being off work for 5 months that it's way easier to go to work than be home with a toddler all day and try get stuff done. So he knows I'm tired when he gets home and we do everything together, equally.



My fiance has also commented when he goes out grocery shopping alone with my son or anywhere, he gets weird looks. What's so weird about it? No one thinks twice if you see a women out with kids, but a dad it's so weird?

Stacy - posted on 01/31/2012

I must be a lucky woman. My husband does most of the cooking and will do all the shopping if I ask him to go. He is better at shopping and sticking to the list. He is also more organized when it comes to cleaning the house. I get distracted with each room that I go in. He can clean one room at a time COMPLETELY before moving on to the next room. I read one time to have a clothes basket to put things in that don't belong in that room and put them away when you clean the appropriate room. Never worked for me. He is just more organized than my being scatterbrained. I'm very thankful for my husband. We have been married for 25 years, but been together for almost 30 years.

Jill - posted on 01/31/2012

I met a truly magical man who convinced me that he could potentially hurt one of my perfect little babies AFTER one had been born and two more were conceived...so I didn't even chance it to live with him thusfar...and it has been difficult as anything I have ever been thru. But I don't regret my choice. I regret his failings as a father...and have fought with him a lot about how he isn't here to even help on weekends now...and I think some people just never get it. I don't want that for my kids.

Marlyn - posted on 01/31/2012

I know exactly what u are saying, my other half refuses to help me and I am pregnant, with a 14month old!

I repeatedly ask him, remind him, no change.

It's put alot of emotional and physical stress on me!

It's unfair to me, he does nothing around the house what so ever.

Honestly....really makes me think of our relationship, am I gonna end up cleaning up after 3 childeren instead of 2!!??

Kathy - posted on 01/31/2012

That woman at that store is a real winner (place much sarcasm here). My husband loves to go to the store and get little things for me and sometimes he brings home things to eat AND he makes the best salmon marinated in lemon pepper sauce in the world!. It doesn't make him less of a man. It makes him more of one because he wants to please me as much as I want to please him. I like to go to the store with him but if I'm out I'll go and if he's out he will. Grocery shopping is not a woman or a man's job. It's the job of people who want to eat.



I can understand allowing a man time to decompress when he comes home from work because I need the same decompression time. I also believe that if you love your spouse then you do not want to do anything that would hurt her or vice versa. Children are meant to have two parents thus two parents re responsible for their care and upbringing. Those guys who come home from working and have a wife who is also working outside the home and the wife continues to work when she gets home while he plays video games and waits for his dinner to be cooked for him--that's not gonna get it. Totally uneven responsibilities in that case.



I'm a Sunday school teacher and I know the Bible verse has been taken out of context a lot to where some have interpreted it to mean "Woman, do your husband's bidding for thou art his chattel." Actually if you read the whole thing it doesn't say that. It talks about a woman in love with her husband will want to please him and he is to respect her and put her up on a pedestal. They become one flesh and do their parts to raise a family. Being one flesh means you wouldn't want to hurt her because it would be like hurting yourself.

If a woman has no esteem for herself, she will be subserviant and you cannot be of one flesh and raise a family on one accord if one is master and the other is slave.

Tracie - posted on 01/31/2012

I am not knocking anybody for how they run there house and who does what. This is what is working for us now. Our money is all deposited in the same account with equal access. I understand about your kids and there lives. Been there and done that too.

Beth - posted on 01/31/2012

I have fibromyalgia. My house stays messy alot. I have a person who comes a couple times a month to give our home a good cleaning. I cannot physically do it BUT I have an able-bodied husband, a 20 year old son who works and in college plus a 15 year old teenage daughter. They know how to clean but I dont push it. My husband has been stressed to the max since tornado blew away the company he works for. They have rebuilt probably 90% but he gets home when he gets home! My daughter is a straight A student and majorette. They really do not have much extra time or they would def be helping out around the house. Some women I know are EXPECTED by the husband to have dinner the same time every night! Insane in my opinion. Almost as insane as women who have no say or input over HIS paycheck! If this is you, just remember you are not his kept slave! Just sayin'

Tracie - posted on 01/31/2012

First off the stupid woman is just that. It takes 2 in this society to make anything happen. Its eaiser for women to multi task. We can do it all. Work take care of kids,husband cook clean wash clothes etc. Desperatly needing help in some of thes area. Men on the other hand have a one track mind. If they sit down to watch TV, that is all they see or hear. If asked a question there resoponse will be yes dear, but never really having acknowledge that you were there.If you need help you have to get there undivided attention ,make eye contact and ask them. Let them know you need help and with what. Once they know some of the men will be glad to help.As it was put to me, "they aren't mind readers" . We have to ask. I have been in my relationship for 19 years. Raised one child who is 28 and now my husband and I are raising our child who is 11. Due to the reason above and other reason I saught family counseliing. It was either that or leaving. I was mentally exhausted physically drained and everything that goes with it. I am an older parent. We have been going my daughter and I for almost a year now. My husband has attened 2 sessions now and he is starting to engage in the cleaning of the house , washing and folding clothes going to the store etc. But it took going to counseling and him attending before he realized how much stress I was under. In the past he would just look at me like I was crazy. But when I exploded on him in front of our counsler I think he got the picture. We still have a long road to tow but in the end it will have been all worth wild. We are still together. This was my last hope. And now its working. And don't let me leave out, You have to have God on your side as well. So pray daily and often.

MsCharlie - posted on 01/31/2012

Ive enjoyed reading all these posts as well ... thanks everyone for the insight ... Im having a couple of these same problems ... *first post*

Kate CP - posted on 01/27/2012

Julieann:



I don't agree that that is the problem. I think the biggest problem is communication. My husband grew up with just his mom and she did EVERYTHING...but he doesn't expect that of me. Why? Because I have talked to him about it and explained that I need help. I don't just sit around and stew about him not doing things automatically like I would. I ask him for help! Women (in general) get pissed off when men don't "just know" to do something. Men are NOT psychic, nor are women. If something is important to a woman she should SAY SOMETHING.



When my husband comes home from work I know he's not thinking about house hold chores or the kids...he's thinking that he just had a long day and a long commute and he's glad to be home. I give him some time to relax before I ask him for help and he's happy to do it. But I know that just staring at him and getting angry that he won't automatically do stuff won't get me anywhere.



Is it a pisser that men (specifically, men who work out of the home) don't automatically do the laundry, take out the trash, make the bed, load the dishwasher...blah blah blah? Yes. I wish they would just do it the way women "just know" to do it. But...they're men and their job doesn't normally involve those tasks. If I were to take my husband's place at work I would be clueless what to do and would have to be told what tasks to take on...just like if he had to take on MY job at home.

Angel - posted on 01/27/2012

I have enjoyed reading these blogs:) I grew up with both parents doing equally and they still do to this day.

Julieann - posted on 01/26/2012

Kate-You gave a great history of womens liberation in general, I must say.



My point was merely that we are still (after all these years) ushering in the men. Many of them grew up with mothers who worked outside the home and did it all. They are having a hard time understanding why thier wives are not happy to do it all now. However, since we have the same demanding, stressful careers as them, why should we come home and do it all? And for SAHM's, they don't have all the other mom's on their street home like in the 50's. They could help eachother out and offer companionship, but that's just not the reality anymore. So they do need some back-up and thier husbands companionship too.

Sherrie - posted on 01/26/2012

@ Natalie

I think something is wrong with your scenario! Although your husband has to pay child support with his check, he should contribute to the bills of the household, not his "interests". That's bull! If after paying the bills and there is money left, then outside "interests" can be purchased. There is an order to things in a home. And to have a husband not contribute anything to it, including helping out is wrong in my opinion. I do not like these husbands that work and then come home and play video games the rest of the night. What are they teaching the children. That it is alright to shirk responsibility??? Kudos to you for keeping the house and paying the bills!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/25/2012

I won't allow my husband to do any laundry involving clothes because I am OC about how everything is supposed to go. I don't put bras or panties or some shirts in the dryer so I can't let him near clothing. He also can't do hair, so I do that too. But he is good at helping with the baby, and helping to clean. We're a partnership.



I do understand why Jo put in the pumping for breastfeeding moms even though it isn't mentioned in here. And she's right that a lot is about communication. DH gave me more responsibility towards household decisions when I moved here since I don't work right now.

Melissa - posted on 01/25/2012

Some people have that old way of thinking still. This is a huge part of why I left my childrens father. He thought if he worked full-time thats all he had to do. I was also working and doing all the child and house duties. And he didn't understand why I was so stressed out and tired all the time. Plus he would expect me to drive him to the bus stop when I had to get myself and the girls ready get them to daycare and myself to work. He was my 3rd child and he was making things harder , not easier for me. If I didn't do what he wanted he would call me names in front of the children. Being a father and a husband is not just making money. You have to be present and loving , supportive and helpful. He was never going to change so I kicked him out. There were alot of other reason as well. But even now I have to twist his arm to come and see them 2x a week and he acts like he is doing me a huge favor . I did put up with it for a long time and I do think it was a complete lack of self-estemm and self-respect on my part. But I got therapy and realized my self-worth.

Maree - posted on 01/24/2012

Jo,he can help without the woman having to pump her milk...that's a big hassle,for me anyway.Mine helped by taking our daughter and settling her after the feed when she was newborn. I'd rather do the feeding myself. Anyway,most women don't breast feed so the man can help with the bottles. Not sure of the relevance but maybe there was a post somewhere you were referring to????

Medic - posted on 01/24/2012

Haha Vicki she wasn't that old....I don't think....unless she was very plastic...lol...but she was older than we are which really isn't that hard.

Medic - posted on 01/24/2012

Jo....who said anything about bfing?????

Vicky - posted on 01/24/2012

I would rather scrub a toilet than take my kids to the store! For me, that is more like hell than "family time". I am so GLAD that my husband doesnt mind going to the store, besides we save more money that way! The lady in the store was more than "eighty"...she was just plain looney-toons and worn-out and has lost all sense of reality because she has obviously had to do EVERYTHIHNG at her house! hahahaha

Jo - posted on 01/24/2012

that is why you bottle your breastmilk, so the hubby can help with feeding during the night.

Jo - posted on 01/24/2012

that is why you bottle your breastmilk, so the hubby can help with feeding during the night. There are many ways for the husband to help out with such an overwhelming life transition. The mother/wife wants the husband to help out w things at home and with the kid/s because it is such a wonderful experience for the father! It is a struggle for the marriage until everything has been discussed and a resolution has been made for every little detail. Communication is the key. If the husband does not want to communicate then there are ways around that as well. Just gotta be smarter than what you are working with.

Diana - posted on 01/24/2012

Taking care of a house isn't woman's work, it's everyone's work. We divided the chores up when we moved in together according to what we liked to do. I don't want him doing the laundry in our house because I have sweaters that shrink if they go in the dryer. He doesn't like to clean toilets because the thought of it makes him start gagging. LOL. On the other hand, he loves to cook, do homework with the kids (now that we have a family), and do the outside work. I hate doing the outside work like mowing the lawn. When summer comes & he gets home later because he works construction, I do the cooking & he adds on lawn duty. He also does all the shopping & pays the bills. Why? Because I HATE paying the bills. I'm in Accounts Payable & do it at work, I don't want to do it at home too. We have a grocery list on the fridge & add to it during the week so on Friday nights after work my hubby & our neighbor's hubby go out & do the shopping together. They just decided one day while talking about getting meat from the local farmers' market that the two of them were going to start doing the shopping together. When he gets back everyone helps put the groceries away. Cracks me up at what a bargain shopper he has become since he took over the shopping responsibilities that used to be mine up until the kids were in school. Now that the kids are old enough, they do the vacuuming & dusting. My point is that in our house there is no such thing as woman's work. It takes a whole family to mess up a house & a whole family to keep one running. I love that my girls see my husband just pitching in whenever & where ever it is needed...they are not going to have any idea that there ever was such a thing as men's work & women's work.

Medic - posted on 01/24/2012

Put very well Kate.....thank you

Kate CP - posted on 01/24/2012

"So here's the problem, in my opinion: Women's lib was never the men's idea. Housewives (in the 60's?), who's kids became teenagers, got bored and wanted jobs outside the home. In order to get their husbands to agree, they had to promise to still take care of the husbands and maintain the household. The boys that grew up in these households then expected thier wives to do everything their mothers had done. Even though the wives (most) now HAD to work because the household could not make it on one income. Not the men's fault, just the fact that society adjusted..."



Wow, that is SO not how that happened. Women's lib started with Women's Suffrage in the early 20th century. Women were considered property and dumber than men. It was considered a scientific fact that women were dumber than men, dumber that black men, in fact. So, if you were a black woman back then, think of how stupid you were considered? Women fought and rallied and finally the 19th amendment was passed saying we were considered US citizens and could vote. Fast forward the end of the 30s, early 40s when WWII was in full swing and men were being drafted and sent off to war (because at that point in the US and much of the world, women couldn't fight on the front lines or in the trenches with men). Who was left to operate the factories producing war-time goods like ammo, guns, helmets, boots, etc? That's right-women. Rosie The Riveter was born and "We Can Do It!" mentality reined while our boys were off fighting the Axis. At the end of the war the boys who survived came back and women were kicked out of the work force and back into the kitchen. And that left a rather sour taste in many a woman's mouth. Skip forward to the late 50s and early 60s and you have women's lib 2.0 Women were pissed off because of the inequality in the work place and the blatant sexual harassment that was accepted as "the norm". We burned bras, rallied, marched and finally we got the Title VII and the EEOC ( http://www.eeoc.gov/ ). At this point more and more women were getting divorces, striking out on their own, or not getting married at all. It had nothing to do with "being bored".

Sherry - posted on 01/24/2012

My husbamd is 58 years old and even at his age, he does a hard, manual labor job to support us. I am not able to work, so I stay at home and take care of our family. I don't have a problem taking care of our son, cooking and cleaning. I figure with my husband working full-time, the least I can do is make sure he comes home to a clean house and dinner, even if it's a simple dinner, such as fish sticks and fries. I don't feel like it's wrong that I do most of the work around here and that 90% of our son's care falls on me. If I were working and my husband stayed home, he'd take care of the family, cook, clean, etc. If we both worked, the home responsibilites would be shared.



If I sat on my butt and did nothing all day, and my husband had to come home, cook dinner and clean house, then who would be the lazy one? I think each household is different and should do whatever works for them. If a woman choose to be in a more "traditional" role of Mother/house wife, then that's her business. Nobody should look down upon women like us and call us brainwashed. Mothers/house wives should not be belittled for what they do. After all, we have the most important job.



As for asking the husband for help, there's nothing wrong with that, and my husband does help and will find time to play with our son, no matter how tired he is, but after working all day and driving a long commute, he needs and deserves some relaxing time to watch TV or read the newspaper.