why is my age such a problem?

Melissa - posted on 03/28/2010 ( 223 moms have responded )

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So I am 23 and my daughter is 3. Why is that such a bad thing? Yeah so what I got married at 20 and had a baby the same year. Many times people have given me "the look" when they find out my daughter is my daughter and I'm not just babysitting. And there was a time when I was with a friend (who is older) and a mom came up to her and talked to her about a group of moms that get together that have toddlers and do all sorts of stuff and I walked up to my friend just to say hi and the lady had just finished up talking said "hope to see you there" then looked at my daughter and I fake smiled and walked away, fast. And I was part of another group but the moms once again would ask how old my daughter was then ask if shes mine then go "oh I see" then that's the last I'd see of them. I have also had people actually tell me young marriages don't usually work out. I don't understand why me or my daughter should be treated different because of MY age? I'm 23, married, with a child, I have a home, cars and I get to stay home. I'm not on any assistance program or need to be. I just get aggravated with it.

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Morgan - posted on 03/28/2010

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I have the same problem beacuse I look about 16....

I am 25 been married for 2 years and have a beautiful 10 week old daughter, I always get "the look" no matter where we go, I was standing in line at the food court when I was about 9 months pregnant and a man about 50 looked at me shook his head and said "uggg babies having babies" I was shocked I wanted to give a peice of my mind, but I dident.

Moms these days get slack for everything, too old, too young, breast feeding, formula feeding, married, single, to strict, too easy, you name it we take slack for it.

we need to stop worrying about what other people think.

And worry about working on raising a generation that dosen't judge others :)

Lesley - posted on 04/01/2010

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well young lady my first reaction would be who are you to judge me ;so what if you are 23yrs old with a 3yrs old ;and the people that have given you THE LOOK are fake people with there fake smiles ;.melissa be a proud young mum your family members dont treat you like this and they are the important ones in your life not these pathetic people that think they have a right to judge you ;and when your daughters old enough to start dating etc well she will have all her friends say your mums so cool because you have grown with her ;a few of my friends have had kids at 17 &18 but i find that they are very close now ...and every time someone gives you the look well you look at at your girl and glow with pride because you and your husband know that she was made with love and please if you start letting people get to you you;ll be doing it the rest of your life put a stop to it now ;your a good mum and dont let anyone else bring you down ...and im 45 yrs old mel tell then go to hell...

Charity - posted on 04/01/2010

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I know just what you mean. I'm 19 and i had my son at 18. He is now 5 months old and i actually had a 60 year old lady tell me how disgraceful i was and that i must have disappointed my parents terribly. And then she had the audasity to ask if my baby had a daddy! Of course he does and we are happily married having been engaged and dating for two years prior. But i know how you feel don't worry about it. Every one is just jealous that they didnt get to enjoy their kids and grandkids like you will!

Carolyn - posted on 04/01/2010

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I was married at twenty also, and by the time I was 27 I had 4 children. It was the best time of my life! To be young enough to enjoy them and have the energy to keep up with them is the best! Good for you, Melissa. Don't let anyone's perceptions get you down! (now, at 66, I'm happy to be a grandma and have that joy with a whole new generation!)

Michelle - posted on 04/01/2010

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Hi Melissa,



I really recognize your situation and I must say that my situation is not very different of yours. I'm now 28 and my eldest daughter is 7. I was pregnant at 20 and she was born 2 weeks after my 21st birthday. At that time boyfriend (now my husband) was 26 years old and people definitely used to stare at us as if we were a teenage couple who accidently got a child. Little did they know, it was actually a planned pregnancy. So by time I was 22 we got married and now almost 6 years later we have a house full of kids...4 in total..who could have ever imagined, I certainly not. And sometimes people do look at you strange and seem suprised that a 28 year old woman has 4 kids, and so what I think. This is our lives and we enjoy it, same for you it's your life and when your home with your husband and daughter it's the most precious thing God has blessed us with. The point I'm trying to make is, that you should realize that any situation will not change, but you can change the way you look at the situation. Be confident and don't let others influence the way you go about your day. And about the marriage part, I believe this, never let anything or anyone come between you and your husband, except for Jesus. Only people and ourselves can either make it or break it. Always seek to treat eachother like you like to be treated, don't live to receive, but live with eachother to give and you will see how much your return will be.



Regards,

Michelle (Netherlands)

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223 Comments

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People will judge you know matter what age you are, I had my first son at 18 my second at 20 my third at 22 I had my first daughter at 26 then after 12 yrs my husband and I decided we wanted more children I was nearly 37 when I had my second daughter and 41 when I had my last son. They have all been healthy children and now at 50 I have 4 grandchildren as well, I dont believe there is a right or wrong age! I feel blessed that I was able to have children at whatever age I decided as being a mum was the only thing I ever wanted to be and for me all children are a wonderful gift to be cherished!

Megan - posted on 04/01/2010

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I just turned 21 in January, I got married October 2009. My husband and I have a daughter, she was born in July, 2009, she passed away November 2009. We are now pregnant with our second child due in September. Dont let anyone tell you or look at you wrong you are a young proud mom who loves her family and is happy with your family!! We also have a nice house, cars, and my husband works on base. Young moms like us get to enjoy our kids cause we have the energy to chase after them!!

Connie - posted on 04/01/2010

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This will pass with time. People use to think I was my sons nanny! I was divorced at the time and it was always interesting to watch the reaction when I said I am his Mom. I was 26 and he was 3. Just have a good laugh and don't let it bother you!

Mathew N Jennifer - posted on 04/01/2010

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I have the same problem. I got married when I was 19 and had our son at 19. I'm 25 now and I have 4 kids. 2 boys and 2 girls. I get so many "looks" when I'm out and about with them. I've gotten alot of comments like "don't you know how that happens", "those are all yours" and "can I tell you how that happens" it makes me so mad. It's my life and if we chose to have our kids quickly then it's my business not theirs.

Shannon - posted on 04/01/2010

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Good on you Melissa, Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. I had my eldest when I was 19 and was subjected to the same treatment. The way I saw it I had travelled and had some fun. 12 years on I am still happily married, I have a close happy and fun relationship with my daughters and I am at the stage that I can concentrate on my career with out having to take time off to have babies. for me life has turned out exactly as planned. By the time my girls are leaving home I will still be young enough to go and have some enjoyable adventures with my husband.

Michelle - posted on 04/01/2010

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You're going to be loving life when you're 43 and your daughter is in college, then everyone will envy you!

Crissy - posted on 04/01/2010

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i am 22, turn 23 in august, i have a 3yr old (as of november) a 2 year old (as of a week ago) and im due for my 3rd boy in june, i get it all the time i agree its awefull, i have a house, a (good)car, my husband manages a pharmacy, all of my children have the same father, i was with my husband for 3 years before we got pregnant we have been together for 7 yrs, in fact i have never been with anyone else we are very happy together, my children are all well behaved respectfull with great manners i dont understand why age is such an issue but hey when they are in their 60s and still have kids in school, they will be looking at us with our empty houses while we are still young enough to enjoy it and wish they were us.. we will be physically able to wrestle and play with our grandkids while they are laying in a bed too exhausted to have fun with theirs!

Crissy - posted on 04/01/2010

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i am 22, turn 23 in august, i have a 3yr old (as of november) a 2 year old (as of a week ago) and im due for my 3rd boy in june, i get it all the time i agree its awefull, i have a house, a (good)car, my husband manages a pharmacy, all of my children have the same father, i was with my husband for 3 years before we got pregnant we have been together for 7 yrs, in fact i have never been with anyone else we are very happy together, my children are all well behaved respectfull with great manners i dont understand why age is such an issue but hey when they are in their 60s and still have kids in school, they will be looking at us with our empty houses while we are still young enough to enjoy it and wish they were us.. we will be physically able to wrestle and play with our grandkids while they are laying in a bed too exhausted to have fun with theirs!

Jessie - posted on 04/01/2010

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I'll be 24 next month and I have 3 kids. I know how you feel. Just hang in there!!!!

Cinda - posted on 04/01/2010

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Ugh! Sorry to hear that you have been facing that attitude. I had my children when I was older. Now, that I am in my forties, I tell young ladies that it is better to start younger. You have more energy and can be sure to be around to be a grandma. I wouldn't change my life, but you have so much more to look forward to in yours. God bless you!

Robyn - posted on 04/01/2010

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Don't let what other people think control you. I worked with mothers as young as 14 so you, in comparison with them, are old. Be the great mother you can be and don't get hung up on others opinions it wastes the time and energy you could be giving to your daughter.

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I just laugh it up to be honest, I did have my daughter when i was 18 and i get the "older sister" stereotype. She's almost 8 and i'm 26. I dont nearly look that age and i get looks all the time around the classroom. I have fun with it i enjoy my daughter and i enjoy being a mom!



Every once in a while i get the whole "you young people response" but honestly, i think im doing a great job my daughter is ever so polite in public, she acknowledges and is respectful to adults and s long as she is happy and i'm happy i have learned to just ignore them! :)



Its honestly quite frustrating at times but i just learned to smile and eventually people would instead of staring start up conversations and realize i'm just a person like they are. :) :) keep a positive outlook and things will turn around. (i used to glare back and it didnt help!)

Stephanie - posted on 04/01/2010

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I'm 23 with a 3 year old as well. Ive had the same problems, and my best advice to you is to find groups of young mothers (which is fairly easy when you start looking) in your area. Don't pay attention to any negativity, hold your head up and do your thing. And just remember to be happy so your daughter has a good example on how to handle trials and tribulations. =-) love and peace ♥

Robbie - posted on 04/01/2010

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Don't worry so much about what other people think. I, too, was a young Mom and everything worked out well. Be friendly and don't let it bother you. If they don't take the time to get to know you it is their loss.

Elmara - posted on 04/01/2010

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As long as you are matured, responsible and you treat your children with love and you are able to give them stable life then I don't think your age should matter. Just ignore those ignorant people who think that they are better than you.

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2010

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Hi im lisa, I'm 34 I have 5 children, my eldest is 16 I had him when I was 18 I had my secound son at 20 I still look really well people somtimes think im in my twenties. I feel really happy that i had my kids young. I had lots of energy to give them. Some of my friends have only started having their kids and mine are alnost reared. my husband always comments on how well I look and its great cause I know he's sooo proud that we had our kids young. You hold your head high your life sounds great when someone makes nasty comments tell them they look tired and ask them are they ok. it works everytime keep smilen :) and be the best mum that you can be.xx this is the best age to have children xxx

Gerri - posted on 04/01/2010

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20 isn't really that young, to be having a child. I was 18, when I had my first baby. (17, when I got pregnant) People may be pointing fingers now, but they will be positively GREEN WITH ENVY, when you're kids turn 18, and you are only 40! Having children young, means you'll have a lot more quality time with your GRANDKIDS, when they come into the world. Or, barring that, you'll still have lots of time and energy to enjoy your life, after your kids are grown! (in fact, you will be young enough to RAISE your grandchildren, if needed) Of course, people will probably HATE YOU for that too! At some point in your life, you realize what other people think, is not what matters! Your life is between you and your Maker. Who are they, to judge? (as someone famous once said - "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone"....I guarantee you, there is NO ONE who fits that description!)

Lori - posted on 04/01/2010

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In answer to "why is my age such a problem"? It's because people don't have anything better to do with their time than to comment on the lives of others. I have the same problem, only on the opposite end of the spectrum. I will be 44 this month, and my son is 5 and my daughter is 18 months old. Eventually, I just started giving people very rude remarks. Not that I would suggest it, but it makes me feel better about their ignorance. Seriously, age is not a factor in one's effectiveness as a parent!

Wendy - posted on 04/01/2010

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I have always had that problem. I am 37 and i have a 16 yr old, 14 yr old and a 5 year old and i always get lots of comments, like surley they are not all your children, your to young to have a 16 yr old. Guess what I'm happy and my children are happy and thats all that matters. Dont worry about small minded people.

Jessica - posted on 04/01/2010

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I know how you feel... I am now 32 with baby number 4. However I too got married young at 21 and got preggers 4 moths later. While at a park one day I was asked if I was the nanny and when I gave the same answer, that no she is my daughter the ladies didn't say anything to me but OH and walked away. By the way getting married young does work out, we are going on 11 yrs this Oct. I say forget those ladies I am sure their the type that only would become friends with you after you prove what kind of car you drive what clothes you wear and what your annual income is... not worth being friends with anyway.

Jessica - posted on 04/01/2010

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I know how you feel... I am now 32 with baby number 4. However I too got married young at 21 and got preggers 4 moths later. While at a park one day I was asked if I was the nanny and when I gave the same answer, that no she is my daughter the ladies didn't say anything to me but OH and walked away. By the way getting married young does work out, we are going on 11 yrs this Oct. I say forget those ladies I am sure their the type that only would become friends with you after you prove what kind of car you drive what clothes you wear and what your annual income is... not worth being friends with anyway.

Nancy - posted on 04/01/2010

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Relax. I too, was married early in life and was 20 years old (all of three days) when my son was born. We were both born on Father's Day and to this day, my father feels that we were both the best presents he ever got. My son is now 38 and the only problems we ever had were when he was a toddler and liked to tell everyone how old he was and then, of course, how old Mommy was. Sure, I got looks but I've never regretted having him "so early". Ignore those that give you "that look" and revel in the fact that you will be young enough to really enjoy her as she's becoming an adult.

Tara - posted on 04/01/2010

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Dont' get hung up on other peoples stereotypes or view of you. I was a young Mum too. My daughter is now 6 and in school and I get a lot of the same thing at her school. I was 20 when I had her and I am still with her father and we have another child now. The other Mums treat me like I am a child and stupid but I have two degrees and I passed with Distinctions. You quickly learn who your real friends are when you have a baby and all the others well if they can't be bothered to learn about who I really am then well that is their problem not mine.

Esa - posted on 04/01/2010

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I am almost 32 years old and I live in SF. I am a native. I have 2 children one is 4.5 years old and the other 10 months. None of my friends from before I had kids have children (at least the ones that still live here) and the ones I have made are usually older than me. It is more common in this city for women to start their families in the mid to late 30's. I was 28 when my daughter was born and most of the women I met in prenatal classes and yoga classes were on average 10 years older than me. Many of them looked at me like I was a teenage mom or something, when I was married and the pregnancy was planned. I think many women these days look at younger moms as if it must not have been planned because they focused on a career first and cannot understand wanting a family at a younger age, and I wasn't even that young. I have felt alienated from my friends before children and have found it difficult making friends with other moms because of my age. It gets easier, I promice. Once you have your kids in preschool and you start having a community of parents and kids to mingle with you won't feel so alone, but until then I can totally understand the feeling of not being accepted. Good luck!

Sarah - posted on 04/01/2010

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I was married at 23, had my first baby at 24, and have now had baby number three. I don't believe I look young, but to be honest I haven't ever received 'the look' that I know of, though I know what you mean. I think back to when our grandparents were kids. It was commonplace to marry very young (my nana married at 24 and was considered old for it at the time). Back then, it was accepted that you married young, and satrted having babies straight away. I don't understand why times have changed so much. We are doing things in the 'right order', so society shouldn't judge when what we're doing was once considered the norm.

Jeniffer - posted on 04/01/2010

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I am sorry you are having this reaction there is nothing wrong with you having a child when you were twenty just think of all the extra energy you have to share with her and next time someone acts inappropriate about your ager remind them that you will be alive to play with YOUR grandchildren

Soleil - posted on 04/01/2010

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I think there are advantages to being a young mother! It is unfortunate you are experienceing such strong discrimination. As mothers we should be supporting oneanother, not making things more difficult than they alreadt are (sleep deprivation, life change adjustments etc). Hang in there!

Octaviana - posted on 04/01/2010

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throughout my life, dear Melissa, I learned that the world does not stop the mouth of any land. therefore you should not mind. need to think about your family and how to do to live happily until old age.

Christie - posted on 04/01/2010

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You shouldn't be treated any differently because of your age, you may have to learn not to pay any attention to what people think, the only thing that matters is what you think. There are benefits and drawbacks to having children young, you have to decide what those things are, you are the only one that can live your life and by living your life by what you think you are setting a positive and independent example for your daughter!!! I had all three of my children young and one of the benefits was that I was young enough to enjoy them, especially as teenagers, watching my children turn into the awesome people they are turning into has been the most amazing experience and I'm glad I was young enough and open minded enough to appreciate it!!

Rosa Lee - posted on 04/01/2010

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Melissa Rasmuson,



Don't ever worry about what people have to say about your "blessings". I have four children (C-Section) at the age of 21, 22, 23 and 30. You actually have fun with them, because you are younger. There was so much to do, activities to partake in, school stuff, etc.



Now all my kids are grown, and I still look good (smile) and am having a ball with my grandchildren. Nobody believes my son when we go out, that I REALLY am his mother. That is a compliment in itself! These children are gifts from GOD, and if you were not supposed to have them, love and nurture them, then you would not have had them. This was the time that was appointed for you, and NOBODY should ever say anything negative about you having children at this age. I recommend this age, because of the energy, vitality, etc. you have in that time frame. Nothing like having a child after 30 or 40. You really feel it. I sure did with my last one! Now I am 62 years old this year, My first baby will be 40 in July, my second will be 39, my third will be 38, and my last child will be 32 yrs. old. I am a proud "Grannie", and am very happy about having my children at this age. (pregnant at 20, almost 21).



Good Luck & GOD bless you and yours.

Barb - posted on 04/01/2010

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Don't let them get to you. I was 20 when I had my first baby, and she is now 34. We have a wonderful relationship. I am young enough to have enjoyed being her mom, being active in her life and now as her friend. My kids have always been proud of their 'young' mom, when other mom's have acted more like a grandma. Now, my son (and I was 22 when I had him) is a dad, and I can enjoy the prospect of many long years with my grand daughter. Be happy and proud of your family! And glad that you have the energy to keep up with her :P

Heather - posted on 04/01/2010

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No that is not a problem. I am 20 years old and I have a 19 month old daughter. My husband and I actually found out that we were pregnant while we were planning our wedding. We ended up getting married at the courthouse for more reasons then that though. But no I think it is ridiculous how people can treat others that way but it was okay when ever they were our age to get married and have a child the same year when they were younger then you were. I got pregnant when I was 18 and had my daughter 2 weeks after I turned 19. So I know what you are talking about. I have gotten the same looks too many times. BUt it is okay as long as you take care of your daughter and love her with all you have then that is all that matters. And if those other moms think its wrong then you do not want to be around those kind of people anyway.

Jeanny - posted on 04/01/2010

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I'm 36 and I have 3 kids. i had my first one at 28, and my last one at 35 she is 6 months now. I've never been married. A lot of people frown on that. But, i don't care. they are mine and i love them. I could have married the father of my first 2, but it didn't work out. he is happily married to someone else now. I always wanted to get married and then have my kids. so, you are lucky to be married to the man you love and have a child with. if others are making you feel bad, it's just because they themselves are miseralbe people, and have nothing better to do, and are jelous. so enjoy your husband and baby!

Lee - posted on 04/01/2010

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You have lots of good advice here, and it seems that you have a family you love, so don't sweat the unfortunate comments. Most people really don't mean to be rude, they are just thoughtless. I had my first child at 20, I just turned 59, and things don't change all that much. You are either too young or too old, depends on who comments, ha. I would take the comments about looking young as a compliment, that is what I did and still do. If you really want a group of other women to visit with, you might try the MOPS ( mothers of pre-schoolers) organization. They are all across the country and you should be able to find a group near where you are. Best wishes and God bless you and your family.

Malissa - posted on 04/01/2010

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I wouldn't let them bother you, I had my oldest daughther when I was 16 so the time I was 23 she 7, Now I am 30 years old and she is 14yrs and wells as a 9yrs, 7yrs, 5yrs and my 3 months. So I always get the evil eye cause I have 5 kids...But My kids are all years apart and to me I brush off what people say to me...Cause for all I care the can Kiss my butt cause they don't pay your bills LOL...

Stephanie - posted on 04/01/2010

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It's terrible and I'm not one to hold my tongue so I would question them why they find such an issue with your age. Then I would ask them how many people they knew at 23 who owned their home, had 2 cars, a successful marriage and a happy child. Maybe they'll reserve their tongues next time.

Darla - posted on 04/01/2010

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Sounds to me like you probably look younger even than your actual age of 23. Be proud of it!!! Don't let it bother you ... you will be glad when your daughter is in high school some day and people think you are sisters!!!! my mom always was -- she had me at 17 --- just love it!

Antonia Michelle - posted on 04/01/2010

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i just love it when ppl look so shocked that i dont look my age at nearly 50 i could just kiss them lol

Cathy - posted on 04/01/2010

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I don't see any problem with your age. My granddaughter is now your age. That means I was also young when my daughter was born. To be precise I was 19 when I married and 19 later that year when my daughter was born. Others don't live your life and shouldn't be worrying about you having a child at the age of twenty. They're the ones with a problem, not you. Enjoy your daughter, believe me, she'll be grown before you know it.

Rachel - posted on 04/01/2010

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im also 23 married with a child who will be 3 in august, theres no problem with it.

i have never experienced prejudice for it and wouldnt care if i did because it was my choice to be a mum young.



just enjoy being a mum x

Amy - posted on 04/01/2010

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I had that problem a lot. I had all three of my boys by the time I was 26 years old. I used to laugh when I caught people staring. Now they stare because my oldest looks more like my taller brother than my kid!

Barbara - posted on 04/01/2010

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I got married at 19 and 3 months, a virgin. I had my first born at the age of 20 and 3 months. I have been married to the same man, a gift from God, for 32 going on 33 years in October. I am living proof that a young woman, what ever her age, can have it all. I have three beautiful children, ages 24, 25 and 31. I am 51 and I do not have any grand children as of yet but I am still young enough to enjoy life and can be on my second honeymoon. How many can say that? Don't let anyone make you feel bad for any reason. You don't have to explain anything to anyone as long as you know who you are and where you are going in this life. It is no one elses business! Good luck to you dear.

Barbara

Sarah - posted on 04/01/2010

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To hell with them I'd say. Unfortunately there are many your age that have given the rest of you younger mums a bad name namely those that don't work and live off the state and so on.

You know who you are and what you do so i'd say two fingers up to them girl and carry on doing what you're doing. If you feel so inclined you could say... I'm 23 and married and we own our home and we don't ponce of the state if you fancy having a laugh at some snotty older mum!

Brenda - posted on 04/01/2010

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Age has nothing to do with being a good mother or if your marriage will work, my answer to people like the ones you have come in contact with is. So I am 23, I will still be young enough to enjoy being with then when they are 21. I have 2 kids the 1st I had when I was quite young and the 2nd a lot later in life and I can assure you I am best friends with both of them. So once again age does not matter its how you treat them and how they respect you that matters so hold you head high and enjoy your child.

Jeanny - posted on 04/01/2010

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I'm 36 and I have 3 kids. i had my first one at 28, and my last one at 35 she is 6 months now. I've never been married. A lot of people frown on that. But, i don't care. they are mine and i love them. I could have married the father of my first 2, but it didn't work out. he is happily married to someone else now. I always wanted to get married and then have my kids. so, you are lucky to be married to the man you love and have a child with. if others are making you feel bad, it's just because they themselves are miseralbe people, and have nothing better to do, and are jelous. so enjoy your husband and baby!

Kirsty - posted on 04/01/2010

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hi, i don't like people who judge u by age and don't see that u can actually be a great mother no matter what ya age. i was 17 with my first 19 with my second and just had my third. my partner and i aren't married but been together for 10 years now and love each other endlessly, so i think age has no part in how good a mother u r! y wait till we r 30 the younger the better i reckon!

Jennifer - posted on 04/01/2010

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I used to care so much what people thought of me, and as I got older and went through some difficult circumstances I quickly learned that what they think doesn't matter at all. I have two children and I'm not with their father, but the person I am engaged to is a better father than I could have ever asked for. Yes, I feel shame sometimes for the way things turned out because the church and society taught me that I'm wrong. But I refuse to live like that, if you let them get to you then you miss out on so much happiness, you have to worry about only the things that truly matter like your daughter, husband, friends and family. Anyone else isn't really worth a second though.

Chere - posted on 04/01/2010

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Look im going on 16 with a 6 month old i no i may be young but thats doesent matter my babys father is going on 20 you all think you have had some one look or say something to you try to have your teachers say things and you wouldent want to hear some of the things they have said.

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The most important thing I've learned since becoming a mom at 22 is that you can't worry about what other people think. You make the best choices for yourself and your family and if other people have a problem with that, too bad for them. Even if you were invited to be part of their group, it would probably just annoy you anyway. It might be difficult (I know it was when I had my son - none of my friends at the time had children), but try to find some other moms your own age - you'll probably have a lot more in common and you'll be able to start your own toddler group.

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It's been my experience that when ppl are quick to point the fingure at someone else, they area really unhappy with themselves inside and rather than face it, they look for faults in others, even when there is nothing there to fault. Try to remember that as you go through life. It can be hard enough at times without lugging others' baggage along.

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