women with kids vs. women without

Tiffany - posted on 07/28/2010

i have 2 girlfriends that have no idea why i can't answer my phone the second it rings or just drop evthing for an impromtu event...helloooooo i have 3 kids people! i just flat out say, "you can't possibly know untill you have kids and you're in that situation". Also, one kid is totaly different then two and two are totaly different then three and so and so on. Jeez, before i had kids i had NO CLUE about what i was getting into and before i popped the 3rd one out still no clue about how CRAZY life would be...a rude awakaning i guess...but i luv 'em to pieces! it's gets easier as they get older too.

Tanya - posted on 07/28/2010

I find its easier to hang out with the moms that i know than women without kids for this same reason maybe if you put your kids in a play group it will help you make new friends and your kids will have some one to occupie there time to

Teresa - posted on 07/28/2010

It really depends on the person,I have 4 kids and my best friend didnt have any kids in her family but she is amazing,thoughtful,considerate and understanding towards my situation.Its all in the person!(as it always is).

Suzette - posted on 07/28/2010

I ignore the ignorant comments...because at one time I was one of the ones without children who knew it all...We all eventually grow up and women who don't have kids most likely will at one time and then they will see how difficult it can be.

Mari - posted on 07/28/2010

I have several friends without children. Sure some are different than others. One of my closer friends is great with all of my kids ranging in ages 1-9. She is super sweet, fun, and the kids have a blast with her. She isn't planning on having kids soon either. What matters here is the personality type you associate yourself and your children with. On the other end of this I have another friend that wants nothing to do with children but she is still polite with them and know my rules. She still is welcomed at my house because, even though it's her choice not to have kids, she is still a good friend and polite to my kids. My kids are smart enough to know when and with who to be playful with. I wouldn't start to dis those women who don't want children nor have children either. That's their choice and I appreciate them still wanting to keep a friendship with me and coming out to my kids birthday parties and lunches with us even though they don't have kids! "Friends are the Family that you choose."

Deanna - posted on 07/28/2010

I have had that happen to me. I was at my sister's birthday party/higschool reunion for my friend. She had invited 2 other local friends that she knew after high school. One had 2 kids the other had none. The two of us who have children were talking about milestones and different things, and the other person was looking at us like were we the strangest people ever born.
I tried finding something we might have in common (movies. Didn't work for her cause she was really snobbish). I wanted her to know that even though I have a child, I'm a normal person with hobbies. Find something common with them. If they still judge then who cares? You have the best job in the world as a Mom. They are missing out, not you. You may not be able to go out and party every weekend, but once you get older, you can't do that anyway.

Nova - posted on 07/28/2010

LOL! By the way, you'd be surprised about the saving for dog's college fund. I read about people leaving their pets their entire estate. Yes, it's over the top but my point wasn't lost on you. Your friend considers the relationship between herself and her dog a maternal one. Though I agree it can be annoying when addressing specific instances, it won't hurt to chuckle or indulge a little. I'm sure she just wants to be included. However, you are absolutely right; dogs and children have different needs.

Danielle - posted on 07/28/2010

Not long after I had my daughter, I was having a discussion about child-related things with a close friend (who happens to be a family doc, but had no children at the time). In the end, she got rather defensive and "You sound like so-an-so! You make it sound like motherhood is this special club or something and I'm just not a part of it!" Well...she is now a member of that special club, and she is much more understanding. It sounds like maybe you have forgotten what it is like to NOT have kids and are perhaps judging those who dont'? As with anything, you just have to take anything someone says with a grain of salt and go on with your day.

Therese - posted on 07/28/2010

mothers judge other mothers too...everyone parents differently.
The real difference between friends with and without, for me, is the ones without do not understand that when you are with them without your kids, it is precious time and I dont want to waist it waiting etc.

Shirley - posted on 07/28/2010

A woman DOES NOT have to be a mother(give birth) to feel COMPLETE. Some women have kids that shouldn't . I know many beautiful women who do not have children and they love their life the way it is.Being the mother of two, grandmother of three I have seen alot of women that should be childless but had kids and for all the wrong reasons,and the kids suffer or end up in childrens aid or foster home.Giving birth DOES NOT always mean your going to be a good mother. My daughter is one who decided at a young age(10) that she wasn't going to have kids and now at 35 is quite contented in her life and her choices and she spends a time with her friends and family who have kids and does not try to tell them how to raise their kids. She also has step kids and loves them like they were her own.

Patricia - posted on 07/28/2010

i remember i was judgmental before i had kids now i know and it's ok the people that don't have kids and totally don't understand will either see the light when they have kids or not. treat yourself to mom's in a playgroup with similar ages, very supportive!

Kim - posted on 07/28/2010

I listen to what they have to say for the most part, but that is all. You have to do what is right for "your" kids, and not let the judgemental non-parents get to you.

Karen - posted on 07/28/2010

maybe its just that the people you know without kids are just not nice people i have 3 kids and never had a problem with people without them and let me tell you some thing else you can get the same looks and comments about your kids and how they act or what your doing for them from women with kids just as much from woman with out kids

Ruchika - posted on 07/28/2010

yes i agree.u have to be a mother to feel like a mother..INFACT A WOMAN IS COMPLETE ONLY AFTER BEING A MOTHER

Credwen - posted on 07/28/2010

my sister doesnt have children not through choice and yes she has several nieces and nephews what makes her cross is women who expect her to drop what she is doing to cover there shifts in work which being a mother o 4 and grandma of six i find on her behalf totally wrong if you decide to have children you should realize the changes this brings have you thought that maybe there is another side to the coin and they may have lost babys

Geralyn - posted on 07/27/2010

I couldn't agree with Loureen more - she said it all..... Before I had kids, I met moms who wouldn't give me the time of day. Having then joined the "mommy club," I can't say they are any better, they just come up with other reasons to be exclusionary.

Charlie - posted on 07/27/2010

The truth is there are women who do not have kids who have a lot of great advice , they could be teachers , midwives , pediatricians , councilors who are all informed and then there are many mothers who quiet frankly have no idea , are not informed and refuse to educate themselves on certain aspects of childhood , you cannot lump everyone into a category that is so black and white , while its easy to share tales of motherhood and advice with other mothers because of experience do not discount others advice , we might be mothers but we can always learn something new regardless of who is giving it , what we choose to do with that advice is up to us .

Kathy - posted on 07/27/2010

Yep, we're all rookies to begin with!

JoiLynn - posted on 07/27/2010

I am not saying it is everyone or am I saying that my friends are jerks because they are not! what I am saying is when they feel they can give me advice on a subject that they have no clue about! to me this is just one of those things! I would not try to tell someone who is working on my car how to do it, because I have no clue! If someone wants to give me advice I will gladly listen! but when you are telling me how to do something like raise my child and you have no children of your own? I think you learn how to parent by watching your children grow as they learn you learn as well.

Mandy - posted on 07/27/2010

Before I had a child I worked in childcare and would judge the parents about what they fed their kids and how they gave into their tantrums. I agree until you have kids you can't understand what it's like (my parenting ideals flew out the window). In saying this not all people with children give the best advice either or agree with the way you will parent. I think it is more important to be around people who don't judge you regardless if they do or don't have children.

Geetanjali - posted on 07/27/2010

Thats really unfair! I have many friends without kids and have NO problem hanging out with them...if at all I must be the annoying one with a baby who constantly talks about it. But they are completely non-judgmental...in fact the only way to deal with it is for us with kids is to no constantly discuss our babies with our friends without as they do not relate to it and can be so bored with our conversation...so its not them , its us..we have to learn to shut up about our kids around those without...

JoiLynn - posted on 07/27/2010

Thank you my son is my world! I think you will make a wonderful mom someday and it sounds like your a great teacher! I would also love to adopt a baby girl from China someday! all babies need love no matter where they are from! Life is going to be interesting and scary too! I have to say that he is a good kid and very wise for his age! what grade do you teach?

Kat - posted on 07/27/2010

Thank you for your apology. I do appreciate it. And yeah, I agree with you-people with snarky, or unintelligent things to say should just keep their mouths shut. There is more than enough stupidity in this universe. (I get snarkers because I teach and don't have kids of my own, as if my crappy reproductive system means I'm a lousy teacher. Duh!) 13 is a difficult age- and I see it every day. He does have to make an occasional mistake now, and learn from it. But, please know it is a phase, and won't be permanent. (Kind of like a bad hair dye job. We've all been there :) It really does get better-think of all of the good things he's going to do in the next 5 years- get his first love, get the driver's license, graduate and start college. And for the snarky, inappropriate advice givers I like this phrase: "Thank you. I will take it under advisement." (Which means-I heard you, but I'm no longer listening to you.) or simply "Why are you saying that? Are you aware it hurts me?" I am really starting to call people on bad behavior, because my future daughter will need me to, when some smart-aleck 6th grade bully tells her "Why don't you go back where you came from", or that her biological mother didn't love her because she was relinquished, or when someone says "But why didn't you adopt an American baby?" (I'm already getting these comments, and I'm trying to be calm, but occasionally I'd like to just turn into a mama bear and go to town on the ignoramuses.) And I am sorry if I sounded snarky, or if I hurt your feelings. That was not my intention. Good luck with your son-I can see in your picture you love him a great deal, and from what little I've seen, I think you're a good mom. :) I hope you have a good evening!

JoiLynn - posted on 07/27/2010

I don't mean to be judgemental in anyway! But when people don't have a clue they should not say things either! You will understand one day when your dream comes true and you are holding a beautiful baby! I am sorry if I upset you :0) My son is now 13 which I think is a very difficult age! and my friends who have no children I feel can't give advice on something they know nothing about!

Kat - posted on 07/27/2010

And your comment isn't judgmental? I invite you to walk in my shoes. I've been waiting and dreaming of the day my 4 year wait on an adoption waiting list ends. I'm sorry your friends judged you. I ask my friends that are mothers about products, advice. But you are judging too. Where does it end? I'm sorry if you've gotten snotty comments, but your taking it out on us who may be waiting for our children is also cruel. Lose the friends that are snotty, but please don't judge the people you don't know. Thank you.

JoiLynn - posted on 07/27/2010

I agree with you!!! Or they try to give you advice on something they have no clue about. I have a couple of friends like that and I tell them when they are at the point I am at with kids then we will talk! I think knowledge comes with experience when you have your own kids!

Maxine - posted on 07/27/2010

i would try not socialize with friends that dont have kids,an if you do, go without your kids, because they have no tolerence for children at all to be honest babies an children can be very annoying when there being naughty or noisy even for their mums an immediate family, thats just the plain truth so dont put yourself through the stess avoid it at all costs if you can good luck

Kathy - posted on 07/27/2010

There seems to be an assumption (or experience?) that childless women always make snide remarks or pass judgement on women with kids. I've never experienced that at all.

Tameka - posted on 07/27/2010

I find it hard to associate with just a few women that don't have children. I happen to have one person who always has something to say about how I handle my kids. I notice there is not much to say when my husband is home, thought (huh, I wonder why?). On top of that because my kids always get there way with this person, the kids ignore what I tell them. I'm trying to break my kids from some bad habits we grew up with and she has to combat every decision I make. Finally, I had to tell when they visit that they are to to let me handle it!

Kelly - posted on 07/27/2010

I have no problems with my friends when they had no kids. In fact one of my dearest friends does not have kids and she is like an aunt to my daughter. She has never been judgmental and always supportive. On the other hand I have had friends with kids that can be more pushy and judgmental. Just because a person don't have kids, doesn't mean they are hard to associate with, you just need to find other interests in common. Sometimes I think some mom's forget that they can have a life outside of kids. Ignore the rude comments and keep in mind we all thought that we knew how to raise kids, until we actually had them.

Amanda - posted on 07/27/2010

I dont really have a problem with this. Most of the ones without kids understand everything pretty well.

Melinda - posted on 07/27/2010

If I have "friends" or acquaintances that judge, I usually start associating less and less with them. If they were truly my friend or if they truly wanted to develop a friendship with me, they wouldn't act like that - or at the very least they would keep their thoughts to themselves. My biggest problem is actually judgements from others who DO have kids. I don't like being told I'm a bad mom because I don't do things their way.

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2010

I'm not as close as I used to be with my baby-less friends. But we try to get together every few months and that's when I go out myself and catch up with some grown up time. It doesn't bother me.

Charity - posted on 07/27/2010

I TOTALLY understand. Though, my friends at least try to understand what Im going through, but they really dont. Funny enough, my boyfriend (my son's father) is the worst with the comments. He thinks I should NEVER even let my son out of eye sight (this includes things like taking a shower, but he still expects me to be cleanly).

Shirley - posted on 07/27/2010

Everyone has a different walk in life; that includes having children or not having them. No one has the right to judge another as to having children or not having them. That is ones personnal choice.Just because a woman decides not to have children does not mean they are clueless, my kids came from two large families and they were around babies all the time and knew more about babies than some mothers out there. Being a biological parent does not mean you are a good parent. There are too many children out there who are neglected or killed by their parents to prove that.
To all the good parents I praise you and to all those who don't have children I honor your choice if it is your decision.

Robin - posted on 07/27/2010

I didn't have my first baby until age 36 so spent plenty of time being the woman without children too. When I am with those without kids then I keep talk about the kids brief and general. It relieves them from having to show interest and offer solutions to whatever difficulty I am having and it relieves me from listening!

Karen - posted on 07/27/2010

I find that having friends without kids is not a problem because we've chosen to be friends and they've chosen to be with my family. What I've noticed as my largest obstical in post baby life is dealing with a female boss who is childless and career driven. She has NO understanding of why I can not stay late or work weekends. It's total misery. I'm finally leaving my job and I've never felt so much relief!

Jen - posted on 07/27/2010

This is slightly different, but I have three boys and one girl. My sister has three girls. Our youngest are both 14. As my kids were growing up, she'd say things like "I'm glad I don't have boys," or "My girls don't do things like that." I finally got to the point where I would just ignore those comments because she really has no clue the differences in raising boys and girls (we come from a family of all girls). Well, now she's dating a guy with three kids and two of them are boys under the age of six! We'll see where the comments go from here!

My best advice is just to ignore the comments as coming from someone who really has no clue. My sister-in-law thinks because she babysits or helps with the kids here and there that she knows what it is to be a parent. She doesn't. But it's not worth argueing with her about. I step in where I need to, but mostly just grin and bear it.

Janice - posted on 07/27/2010

Ignore any snide comments. You know what you are talking about. They don't. It's difficult so just stay mum and carry on regardless. I agree with Sophie. If they don't have any children ever then they will just have to make do with all our stories.

Tracie - posted on 07/27/2010

I hear you Nova and I know my friend truly loves her dog, but I'm sorry, there is no way my friend feels the same way about her dog that I feel about my children. I would never leave my children alone in the house all day with a bowl of food. I would never hand my children over to a stranger's care for weeks at a time. (kennel)

My friend is not making plans for her dog's future. Saving for her dog's college, investing untold hours and dollars investing in her dog's physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. She does not have to teach her dog how to get along in the world without her. She does not have to help her dog learn how to navigate relationships, get a job, do well in school, or instill a sense of responsibility. Comparing caring for a dog to raising a child is completely ridiculous. It would be like me saying that I know exactly what it's like to care for a dog because I have a goldfish.

Nova - posted on 07/27/2010

It's not different. In fact caring for another being (human, feline, canine, etc.) requires identical focus. You must remember that they depend on you and neglect is not an option. It is important to relate to your friend's position as a caregiver who loves her dog as much as you love your child. ALL God's creatures are significant.

Tracie - posted on 07/27/2010

I have one childless gf who is happily so and wants to remain so. She never criticizes my parenting but what she does do that makes me nuts is tell me she knows "exactly what I mean" when I talk about parenting issues because SHE HAS A DOG! I want to slap her when she does this. It's such an insult to compare caring for your dog to raising a child, but she will never get it.

When my daughter was a newborn and I was walking into walls from sleep deprivation, she made some kind of crazy comment about "training" the baby like she trained her dog. I told her she was welcome to take the baby overnight and "train" her if she was so confident in her abilities. She never took me up on the offer. ;-D

Shirley - posted on 07/27/2010

My daughter decided not to have children and she praises those who do, she does not bad mouth those who have kids. Many of her friends have children and she enjoys them. She does have fun with the kids of the man she is seeing and enjoys going to their games and other things.
Not everyone is meant to be a mother, infact there are some who should never have had kids. Especially when they don't know how to take care of them properly and to teach them right from wrong and how to behave in public.If your kid is called a brat then he she probably is. Kids can be spoiled and still be well behave its the parents job to see to it. Unfortunatley some parents just can't be bothered.

Dana - posted on 07/27/2010

I had my son at 42 and he is almost 18 months old now. Most of my friends had children who are now adults almost...We have always hung out with and without the kids as we do now. Sure it is harder but they do understand. I also have a very good friend who is single and she is great and is well aware that she does not know what it is like (and won't) and she is ok with this. Having struggled a bit with the possibility of infertility (but did conceive naturally eventually) and having a child later in life I try very hard to remember that everyone has a story and that story/experience contributed to who they are and what they are saying. If something truely offends you, say something like "I found your comment very offensive and hurtful". Waiting till they have children or saying that to them can be just as offensive and hurtful to them.

Kim - posted on 07/27/2010

My best friend doesn't have children. Not by choice but we get along great. Like I said...most of the snotty comments come from other moms.

Shireen - posted on 07/27/2010

I have friends who dont have kids but who enjoy being around kids.. I guess as long as they don't have to take them home!

I do think its important to be clear with friends, either way, what the impact is on your friendship. Either it works or doesnt, and you have to decide whether the friendship is important enough to deal with drama ;)

Nova - posted on 07/27/2010

You deal with the childless women the way you deal with any other human being. Be sensitive to the fact that motherhood is not an exclusive status, rather, a stage in the human experience of being a woman. Before I became a mother, I expanded on my maternal instincts in the classroom and sharing stories & anecdotes with parents. Please do not disqualify childless women as they have to share spaces with other people's children in every capacity and that is the same as being a parent; cognizant of young people in our midst everyday.

Charlie - posted on 07/27/2010

Jo -
I agree with your post , i love my friends with no kids for the simple fact its a time for me to have adult conversation about other things that dont involve children .

Jo - posted on 07/27/2010

Do not let it consume your conversation / visit. Talking about kids, kids behaviour, kids this, kids that..blah blah blah.. Honestly, is there nothing better to talk about? Why did you get together? I am a mom of 2 and my kids DO NOT feature as the main subject and shoudn't. I love them, they enjoy coming along, they behave themselves to a degree (they are KIDS, afterall, not machines) and I do not allow people to manipulate me or "advise" me. I know what's best for my kids, they don't. Be friends, regardless of whether they have kids or not. Do things with your non-mom friends that suites everyone, if it doesn't, well THAT is what's making it uncomfortable.

Maureen - posted on 07/26/2010

I agree with Catherine up above...
One day they will realize what they have been like for how ever long & understand, or they never will & miss out.

Just ignore it & continue on with your life as a Mommy!!!