Would you let your 13 year old spend the night with there boyfriend/girlfriend

Charlotte - posted on 06/03/2011 ( 107 moms have responded )

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My son asked if he could spend the night at his girlfriends house, She races go karts and it is out of town. We thought it was pretty funny. The answer was a snowballs chance in hell. What I find more interesting is her father said no because it was short notice. She is 15, my son will be 14 in August.

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Lee - posted on 06/04/2011

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I agree with you, but honestly if they are going to do it they will do it. We all know that! It then comes down are they going to be safe or not, I assume you or dad have talked about being safe. Now then think hard do they have a safe environment somewhere? If they don't unfortunately teenagers will be teenagers and take risks if they are left with no choices, they then can put them self in some dangerous situations. I will share a little story to let you know where I am coming from, 22 years ago, when I was a teenager, one of my friends was active with her boyfriend, she was only 13 he was 15,(now we say what was going on in her life for her to be so young, but we were then kids too) They decided to be active one day in a paddock with very long grass to be hidden, another group of older teenage boys found them and bashed him unconscious and gang raped her, I have never forgotten how sick I was over it how scared I was and how horrified I was for her, I have always promised myself that when my kids wanted to become active that i would let them be safe at home, i pray that i raise them good and they wait until they are old enough to understand it fully and enjoy it like it should be, as my daughters have not reached that age yet i don't know what i will do, but i do know whether they are 14 or 18 i will cry, i will cry for the loss of childhood, loss of innocence, but I could never live with my self if something happened because I said no to a safe place.

Jenni - posted on 06/04/2011

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hahahahahahhahahah *wipe tear from eye*. No!
Wouldn't even entertain the idea at that age.
BUT make sure you're talking to him about safe sex and condoms are accessible to him. Not saying that just because he has a girlfriend at 13 they're going to be having sex. :/ But the possibility is there.
I started dating boys at 12 but we weren't having sex! I didn't have sex until I was 17 and I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years...(we stayed together for 4 years and at 19 were engaged) plus I was on BC.

I didn't have my first child until I was 25. It was the chats my mom had with me about safe sex and responsibility that made me want to wait until I did. And when I did decide to have sex we had an open enough relationship that I could come to her first and talk about birth control.

Liz - posted on 06/03/2011

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HA! That's a good one! Considering I got pregnant with our first child this way, there is NO WAY I would let my child spend the night at their boyfriend/girlfriend's!

Barb - posted on 06/05/2011

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Charlotte, i have to say i laughed out loud when i read:"I have asked my son if we need to have the sex talk, he said no."

Boys, especially that age do NOT ever ever ever want to have "the sex talk" with their MOM. Mom's are sacred and they are not women/girls. they are just "Mom"

You can't "ask" your child how to parent them. You just parent. You never have the sex talk just once and it's over and done with.. it's a constant reminder. Also, if there is a man in your son's life, have the man have a good talk with him about his responsibilities when it comes to having a girlfriend and sex.

Saying all this however, spending the night does NOT equate to sex. I never had sex in either one of my parents homes or in any of my boyfriend's homes. We made out and necked in the park or behind the lockers at school. So the only way to protect your child is with knowledge and trust that when he is on his own, he will respect the knowledge you have given him and do the right thing.

It sounds to me like this girl could be a tomboy if she races go-karts and i'm betting at 13/14 your son is probably just as interested in the go-karts as he is in the girl driving them.

Sofia - posted on 06/04/2011

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to answer your question. no. however, i wouldn't be all dramatic and offended if he'd asked. i would tell him, explain my reasons, but my emphasis would be on thanking him for asking me and trusting me. i know a lot of moms are trashing the dad but that goes to show the type of trust and respect his daughter has in him to even bring it up. the last thing i would want is to have my son sneak out of the house period. i know SEX & PREGNANCY are being brought in a way that seems unfairly targeting the father for "creating" such a space with his daughter. we all know a sleepover isn't the only teens will mess around. for all we know, they can be doing that during lunch at school! i think that it's up to us as mothers with sons, to hold them accountable to their actions, to talk to them about sex in way that doesn't scare or push them to "find out" for themselves. our sons also need to know that they are responsible for their sexuality and consequences. and if your son, who already shared with you that he has a girlfriend, also asked you this question about a sleep over, i can only imagine how much of a beautiful and healthy relationship you both have... :)

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Charlotte - posted on 06/05/2011

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I told him no, I am not sure how many more times I have to say that for some people to understand and not think that I want to be a grandparent.

Jane - posted on 06/05/2011

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"If you think your kids don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend at this age, no body has asked them or your wrong."

My daughter and I discussed this subject many times and she was actually glad that I said no boyfriends because she hated the drama we kept seeing her cousins go through. They DID have boyfriends at 12 and 13, and the whole family is amazed (and pleased, except for my ex-SIL who was the one that encouraged the girls) that neither has yet to become a mother (although one wasted a $10,000 inheritance following a boy to two different states even though he was not interested in her).

There were boys who WANTED to be my daughter's boyfriend but she was able to say no, that her mom wouldn't allow it, and thus save face. When she turned 16 she began to date one on one, but never more than 1 or 2 dates with the same boy, and she generally managed to finagle it into being a double date or a group date anyway. I notice that all of those boys still turn pink and stutter when they look at her. She is nice to them but a bit distant.

When she turned 18 she told me she really liked a particular boy and asked if it would freak me out if she made it official that they are dating. I said no problem so she changed her Facebook status immediately. They broke up about 9 months later because both were too busy with school to ever do more than text each other.

OTOH, my son has wanted girlfriends since he has known there were girls. We had a lot of problems with him in middle school because he was "in love" with an absolutely gorgeous but totally heartless girl at his school. She liked to play the boys against each other and then stand back and watch the fights.

And actually, he now goes to church because he had a crush on a girl that went to that church. I don't know if she ever figured out he was smitten with her but she has gone off to college so she is now gone from his radar.

My son is many years younger socially than he is physically and so most of the girls in high school are uninterested in him, except for one girl with Down's Syndrome. He is very nice to her but is uninterested. Then at church I have him helping in the baby room so he can see that babies are a huge amount of work. I am hoping this will make him think twice before having unprotected sex.

I figure, since he is fascinated by girls, I should use his interest as a tool to help him grow up. :-)

Gina - posted on 06/05/2011

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Just think of this then give your son your answer. At what aged do you want to become grandparents. If you want to become grandparents now then by all means let him stay overnight with his girlfriend. If you want to be old and grey and want you son to have a secondary education, a career and be married when he becomes a parent then lay down the law.

Charlotte - posted on 06/05/2011

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Apparently I need to explain a few things, he wanted to spend the night because her race is out of town. I know I telling him was no, was correct. I thought it would make a good discussion, which it did. As far has her father goes, some parents especially fathers who do not see there children often, will not always give a flat answer because they want to be seen as the fun parent.(at least I hope that is why he said what he said.) In no way did I think my son was going to have sex, but I don't think he should be spending the night with her. If you think your kids don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend at this age, no body has asked them or your wrong. Unless your child is home schooled or never around the opposite sex, is about the only way. My son does have a male adult to talk to, but he doesn't need one.

Saundra - posted on 06/05/2011

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Yikers !!!!! --------i am sorry that would be nothing to entertain at our house........i am nervous about the girls parents and their ideals and goals for their daughter........good luck......!!!!

Eunice - posted on 06/05/2011

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I believe that you gave the correct answer. I would have said the same. Perhaps her father just said that to be nice but this sounds like trouble waiting to happen.

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2011

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No way! I remember in 4th grade girls talking about their "sex life" i was wondering what sex life? i was 9 in 4th grade wondering what type of sex life a 9 year old had and what they were even talking about i wasn't even thinking about sex at 9 i was barely even thinking about boys at 9 let alone sex. i know i was thinking about boys but heck i wasn't wanting sex, but i know it omes up by the time pre-teen and teen years so i would definately say no co-ed sleep overs unless it's family and even then i would say different rooms.

Jane - posted on 06/05/2011

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At 14 and 15 my kids weren't even allowed to have a girlfriend/boyfriend, much less spend the night at their house. Why did your son want to spend the night? And what does racing go-karts have to do with anything? And what made you think the father really said no because it was short notice but really meant "No way your son is going to sleep anywhere near my daughter, Ever!"

Kim - posted on 06/05/2011

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Oh my goodness Lee that is awful I am so sorry to hear that happend to your friend growing up. Thank you for sharing and showing another side to this. I have a young daughter and you have definatley given me somthing to think about for when the time comes.:(

Amanda - posted on 06/05/2011

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Omg! That would be a hell no if my kid asked. And I would def consider my kid dating that person. Due to the standards that the teens parents have set for her. It would make me feel very uncomfortable...

Susan - posted on 06/05/2011

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I would be very cautious of her father and letting your son over at her house without supervision as well. Why did he want to spend the night at her house without her there anyway?

Jeri - posted on 06/05/2011

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That would be playing with fire....why take a chance??? Hormones are already raging!

Janice - posted on 06/05/2011

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I would not encourage him to stay, I would let him go out and then arrange a time to pick him up and take him home. As I have done with my children now 19 and 23, he may be a little bit annoyed but will respect your decision as he gets wiser. Jan xx

Brittney - posted on 06/05/2011

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At least he asked, when I was that age I was doing it behind my parents back.

Dawn - posted on 06/05/2011

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I couldn't agree with more, as a mum to 8 children, eldest been 19, down to 5 mths. Although I don't agree to let your teen stay out under age, when my daughter was 17 her boyfriend practically lived with us, if they are gonna do it they will, I take comfort in the fact that my daughter confided in me by telling me it was her 1st time, (bless she even ask it was normal for it to hurt) but I have 14 year old son who asked if he could stay at his 14 year girlfriends the answer was a blunt no your too young. A safe haven is better than outside where they can get hurt, but not till they are legal.

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Sleepovers after the age of 12 are asking for trouble. Especially of the opposite sex. It's fun reading the different comments and seeing just how different values are.

Lakisha - posted on 06/05/2011

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Are u serious?? I'm surprised ur son had the nerve 2 even part his lips 2 asked the question @ 13, 14 or even 15 yrs old.... there's not a chance in h-e-double hockey stick that would ever hapen... sounds like a reciepe for teenage pregnancy

Barb - posted on 06/05/2011

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Charlotte, "I don't see where having a male would be any better."



Men have a way with communicating with men and as your son is learning to become a man, (in more than just a sexual way if he has even done that) It is not a bad idea to get a trusted male role model to help guide him on what being a man is all about.



Men and women have different perspectives on sex. Women generally attach a lot of emotion to it, boys attach as much emotion to sex as they do a basketball game. Men can relate to this in a way that a mom or a woman can't. Therefore, having a man he respects and doesn't want to let down, talk to him about sex might help him make the right choices.

After all, that's really the goal here, isn't it?

Hillary - posted on 06/05/2011

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You are 100% right . . . NO! It's great that he asked, but that also means he's asking for your advice (without actually asking). Great communication is the key and it seems your husband may want to find a way to follow your lead so that he becomes more comfortable speaking openly with your son, too. There will come a day when your son needs to talk to a man (as great as you are), but may turn to a friend or someone else with values you and your husband don't share, rather than keeping it in the family. JMHO - hope that helps.

Bonnie - posted on 06/05/2011

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Mum, would agree with you! Not a snowball chance in hell (love the expression by the way). Good luck with this one....

JuLeah - posted on 06/05/2011

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Hummm, let me think .... NO .... your husband wants to be called Grandpa does he?

Kristen - posted on 06/05/2011

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No way, wouldn't happen. My daughter went to Disney with her boyfriend and his parents last summer but she had her own room. As far as spending the night at his house. Wouldn't happen.

Charlotte - posted on 06/05/2011

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@barb - I have asked him if we need to have the sex talk as a joke, I yelled to my husband I think danny needs to have the sex talk. He was embarrassed by the thought of having that conversation, I don't see where having a male would be any better. I even asked him jokingly if he knew how to use a condom or did I need to distrait with a banana. From the deer in the headlights look, I can tell he is not ready. I am very open with my son, he knows that girls can get pregnant, I had him at 16. I also think that she is a tomboy and that is why she is dating someone two years younger. He has had health class, I didn't think they would do anything, but I didn't want to chance it.

Leanna - posted on 06/05/2011

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No way, no how, sorry. It may make me/us the "meanest moms in the world," but it still strikes me as unbelievable when I hear my high school students talking about spending the night at their girlfriend/boyfriend's house...or their girlfriend/boyfriend spending the night at THEIR house.

Lana - posted on 06/05/2011

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@ Lee - I wholeheartedly agree with you... as parents we cannot dig our heads in a hole.. rather be open and provide a safety haven, obviously I am not encouraging my almost 17 year old daughter , but we would be foolish to think that just because we say NO that they cannot make alternative plans! I have an open relationship with mine and she is fully aware of the risks etc

Saskia - posted on 06/05/2011

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Why so worried? It's great he asked in the first place. Have a bit of faith in him and yourself.

Hayley - posted on 06/05/2011

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Simply...NO! I really don't think an explanation is required on this one unless the parent has the morals of an alley cat.

April - posted on 06/05/2011

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i would say no..reason being cause at that age i believe most kids start to wounder about things. i still wont let my 16 year old stay over a boys house..i just go back and think of when i was a teen.

Barb - posted on 06/05/2011

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oh sorry, to answer your question.. at 13, yes, i would have allowed my son to spend the night at his girlfriend's house if they had plans to do something fun like that.

Klara - posted on 06/05/2011

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wow.. that is shocking. I would discourage it unless you know the parents well and know they'd be well supervised. I completely agree its NOT a good idea. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 06/04/2011

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I think that if ur son is open with u and they are not having sex or at least they are using something then it should be fine. Also u can talk to her parents and see where they stand with the rules...

Charlotte - posted on 06/04/2011

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I think her father gave her that answer because he only gets her on the weekends and didn't want to tell her flat out no because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, at least I hope that is why. I have asked my son if we need to have the sex talk, he said no. As far has him being to young for a girlfriend, he is in school 8 hours a day, they met at school, I can't control what he does at school. They have been dating about a month, they have gone to the skating rink, and he went to a pool party at her house. She is coming to Busch Gardens with us. I am glad he asked and did not sneak around. I do think she is a little to old, I found out she will be 16 in Oct., but at least he told me.There is no way I am being a grandma at 30.

Kelly - posted on 06/04/2011

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yes and different countries have different laws too, was speaking here more from the USA perspective

Mel - posted on 06/04/2011

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I dont think kids would go that far, if they're going to have sex they are going to have sex. My husband did it with his exes in parks etc so did I with my first boyfriend. I live in Australia thats why the age is different. I think 16 is why most people started when I was younger, now it seems to be alot younger then that

Kelly - posted on 06/04/2011

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well in most states you have to be 18, sometiems they let it slide at 17,,, and in part that is a problem too then as it should be more clear and not vary so from state to state here in the US. Cause then kids will cross state borders too just to do that and hence they are having sex in state b and they are from state d say where its not legal cause of where the act takes place in that location its legal so hard to say and judge

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