Would you let your S/O to hit your kids?

Karen - posted on 08/22/2011

corporeal punishment IS the bio parents place, but ev1 should b on the same page. we NEVER spsnked out of anger, and always were very clear w/our daughter about why she was getting spanked. shes an adult now, but can count on 1 hand how many times we spanked her

Christy - posted on 08/22/2011

Definitely! I wouldn't spank someone else's child if I was babysitting. When it's not your child, you don't have that right. I know that it's hard in step families, but that is just going to make it harder, cause more resentment. I choose not to spank my children, my husband and I agree on this, but if we weren't together and some other adult (or one of their aunts or grandparents or anyone watching my children) does not have the right to make that decision. The bio parent should deal with punishment. They can discuss rules and all agree on them and what the consequences are. And I don't think that kids should be able to do whatever they want, but the bio parent should be the disciplinarian. And if the bio parent is not really involved, then they should be or let the other parent have the child. No one loves your kid like you do and descipline needs to be balanced with love or it's just abuse.

Katrina - posted on 08/22/2011

I think all adults should be able to "disipline" a child. (Within reason, I'm not talking about a beating.) But children should respect the authority of all adult as within a household. Now there are always excepts.

Connie - posted on 08/22/2011

Idk maybe it's just me?.. but if my husband & I were to split up & the SM was doing that to MY kids. I would beat her!

Jennie - posted on 08/22/2011

I would never let a step parent hit my child. I grew up with a stepfather and my mother NEVER EVER EVER let him put a hand on us. We needed to respect him but if we ever disrespected, my mother disciplined.

Nadine - posted on 08/22/2011

I am with you, you are the parent and its your responsibility to disciplne your child, not his. If i were in your position, if a SO takes it upon himself to do that, he would be out the door!

Krista - posted on 08/22/2011

What I'M alarmed at are the parents who think that no spanking = no discipline, because it makes me think that they must spank for every single little damn thing, if they have so little respect for alternative forms of discipline.

Gina - posted on 08/22/2011

People seem to think if a child isn't spanked, there's no discipline, I was never spanked but I was disciplined. When I misbehaved I had time out, or I was sent to my room to think of what I did,or my mum took away my favourite toy til I behaved. Same with my 5 brothers and sisters. We grew up well behaved, with respect and manners.

I don't spank my daughter and I will never let anyone touch her, no matter who they are.



I'm confused by parents who say they don't spank when angry, what do you do, calm down first? Why still spank then?

Naomi - posted on 08/22/2011

I would not let anyone but me discipline my children ever!

Kate CP - posted on 08/22/2011

Hell, now *I'M* confused. :/

Kitty - posted on 08/22/2011

no way would I let someone else disapline my kids if he is my boyfriend then absolutly not and ya some ppl can be ignorent

Kim - posted on 08/22/2011

I raised 4 wonderful children, all in their 20's now. We used spanking as a form of discipline as well as other forms. Alot depended on the child. They are ALL very well adjusted, we did not spank them when we were angry. But they did get spankings. Mostly when they were very young toddlers and early elementary school. The most abusive thing i see with parents is YELLING at kids. I think a few swats on the but when needed and LOTS of love and affection is much better than screaming and yelling at your kids. Now there are parents that abuse children by hitting them and this is not what i am talking about. My kids alway knew ahead of time if their behavior would lead to spanking, it was not a surprise. When they were older, of course we used what I call, discipline methods that matched their ages. When i look at them now they are all well adjusted young people.

Krista - posted on 08/22/2011

I think that in cases like this, ALL of the adults who are responsible for that child need to be on the exact same page when it comes to disciplinary methods.

And the tricky thing with spanking, is that it is difficult to measure.

The mom, the dad, and the step-mom might all agree to spank the child with moderate force for any major infractions. But how do you define moderate? What if the step-mom has a swing like Venus Williams? She might see it as a tap, and the mother would see it as excessive force.

I'm anti-spanking as it is, but even if I wasn't, I would recommend against it in blended families, because it's just too damn hard to regulate and make sure that it's consistent. It's so much easier to just put a blanket ban on spanking, and to use other forms of discipline instead, that can be easily understood and made consistent by all parties.

Alonda - posted on 08/22/2011

Well I do believe that Step Parents do have some rights. I allow my husband to verbal discipline my children, I would never allow him to physical discipline them.

Jenni - posted on 08/22/2011

No one is saying a step parent shouldn't be allowed to discipline. I think we all agree that they most definitely should.



The question is, should they spank or not.



So, if someone's SO doesn't put his foot down about their kids disrespecting the SP, then that step parent should spank the kids to earn their respect?

Isn't that an issue the adults should work out, instead of taking it out on the kids?



Maybe if the BIO doesn't think it's important for their children to respect their SO. Then they don't have much respect for them either. Just because the kids learn to fear the retribution of the step parent doesn't mean it solves the underlying issue that the BIO and their kids don't respect them.



If the BIO allows the children to treat the SP like 'dirt'... that's obviously what he/she feels the SP is and that they aren't entitled to their children's basic respect.



I personally wouldn't choose a partner who didn't respect me and allowed their children to disrespect me.

Billie - posted on 08/22/2011

Even being a step-parent, they are still a parent. They may not be a biological parent, but they are a parent figure to the children and they DO have a right to discipline the children. How would you feel if you had step kids who disrespected you every single day and you couldn't do anything to correct the behavior? If your SO allowed their kids to treat you like dirt and there wasn't nothing you could do about it? Maybe you could live in a situation like that, but anyone else would go crazy, and growing up I did go crazy because my dad was in that situation. I have hatred towards his ex-wife for how she allowed her kids to treat me and my father, that's why she's an ex-wife and not current-wife.

And let's NOT start the damn spanking debate here. I will spank my children as I see fit, do I beat them? NO! I spank my children, I don't leave bruises or welts on them.

Susie - posted on 08/22/2011

I think parents AND step parents have to agree on discipline. For a child there's nothing more "fun" than "playing" with someone who has no real authority. You can't have that in your home. Whether you're a bio parent or a step parent. Its as harmful to a child as a beating - maybe more.

Jenni - posted on 08/22/2011

Stephanie,

"He halled off and smacked me in front of her(we were acquaintances at one point), bruising me. you know what she did? "now that isn't very nice. say your sorry."



The woman obviously has issues, Stephanie. Which probably has something to do with why her son has 'issues.' Not stemming from whether he was spanked or wasn't. If his mother took a grown or teen male hitting his girlfriend/friend lightly... she's a nutjob. If she chose her son over his victim after witnessing it, she's seriously out of touch with reality. Not a positive parenting issue, anymore than putting your child's hand on a hot stove is a spanking issue.



I don't know who you're talking about. So I don't know what mental illness he suffers from. But 1/4 of people suffer from a mental illness and no you don't have to suffer abuse or have a tramatic experience to develop one. I've known plenty of people with skitzophrenia or bi-polar disorder who were successful, well-adjusted, well reared and developed the disorders. You are predispositioned for them, and although a tramatic event or abuse can trigger them. They are not the cause and not always the case.



But again I hate arguing anecdotes, because I don't know ANYTHING about the situation other than what you tell me. So all I can do to debate it, is trust your account of the story and work with the information you've given me, which is more than likely very bias considering what he did to you.



So I guess I should have left that can of worms shut.



Anyways, I know we're not here to debate the merits and demerits of spanking and I fear I've already been led a stray in this debate... so I'll just clarify something I said.



I never said spanking caused mental illness. I'm not sure where you got that from. If you were referring to my 'Charle's Manson' example. I was explaining that the technique (spanking or not) has nothing to do with the outcome of a violent criminal. As in the case of the person you knew. There are obviously other contributing factors. Not spanking or positive parenting.



And yes, my country does tend to be on the enlightened side (as far as countries go) when it comes to human rights issues.

Alainya - posted on 08/22/2011

It is actually illegal in Australia and New Zealand!

Jeanie - posted on 08/22/2011

i AGREE but I also do not think parents should remarry until the children are grown. Unless the other parents is deceased.The only time my children were spanked was with my hand so I could feel there pain and not bare bottom there are other ways to discipline a child.

Jessica - posted on 08/22/2011

because some people cannot handle that neither side is truly right? hehehe... at least thats what I think.

just with the spanking. if someone else wants to let someone else spank their kids, as long as they know I have to report any abuse and keep it non abusive, I don't care.

My own situation is my own.

I will not, allow anyone to hit my kids. My husband was a SD and I held a loose reign until he spanked him, and for something VERY minor I might add. After that, I kept an eye out, and found verbal abuse. To be perfectly honest, if not for that, I am ashamed to say, I would have allowed him to stay despite the abuse to me. It did, however teach me a lesson I will not soon forget. I will not let any man who abuses me or my children in my home. You must also understand, my husband hits HARD, and I feared for my son. So I stopped it. It only takes once for me, you hit my kids ONCE... and you GONE.

It isn't allowed because of my experiences. I do not trust anyone's hand that is not my own. Why do I keep going back to that?

anywho... I don't think either side is right when you got to the extremes. :( Spanking is not good done too much, and neither is a lack thereof... that is what I think and why I think they tell both sides(bio and step) not to spank.

@.@ that part IS confusing. I didn't see the name "Kate" at first and then Deanne responded.... oops? @.@

Stifler's - posted on 08/22/2011

I don't know why either party has to be told to not spank the kids.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2011

Blended families ARE confusing :D

Stifler's - posted on 08/22/2011

I'm just confused by... this whole thread.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2011

LOL, now I'm confused :D

Amanda - posted on 08/21/2011

Actually Kate's comments were aimed at me

I am now borrowing from Deana

@Kate, If you are going to attack a comment, read it first!

I NEVER said or wrote ANYTHING with regards to ANY police officer hitting, spanking or touching ANY child in their care. Before you copy or respond to anything else I wrote you need to REREAD it.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

So just don't spank either of them, problem solved. You can still discipline them, just without hitting them.

Rose - posted on 08/21/2011

if you are a parent, foster, bio, step or whatever, you are responsible for the well being of that child, and that not only includes meeting his/her physical needs of food, clothing, shelter, schooling, medical, social, etc. It also means disciplining them when they are being naughty. Why would you spank your bio son and not your step son? Right there you are making a difference.

Jessica - posted on 08/21/2011

makes sense.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

No, not at all, it was pages back, but I distinctly happened to recall that she had said it, and I imagine, so had Kate, that's all :). I just thought I should point it out to Deanne that she did in fact say it, especially as she is berating someone for it,.

Jessica - posted on 08/21/2011

hmmm... must have read the wrong comment. Oh well. my bad.



edited:



yep. I looked. sorry guys. I was reading the one about the being legal in Texas... now I can't find it though... hmmm.... anywho. My bad.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

See my previous post Stephanie. That was exactly what Deanne said.

Jessica - posted on 08/21/2011

Deana is right Kate. she never said that. she just pointed out the legality from a document that the police use(meaning it is current).



I was under the impression we were talking about a more... recent comment...?

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

Quoting Deanne:

"Spanking is not illegal, nor immoral and is recommended by teachers and the police (as long as no marks are left for more than 24 hours)."



That doesn't say they informed you it wasn't illegal. That says they recommend it. Just sayin'.

Deanne - posted on 08/21/2011

@ Amy, If you are going to attack a comment, read it first! I never said that the police recommended or suggested or encouraged (or any other synonym) corporal punishment. I simply said that they informed me that it was not illegal.

Alainya - posted on 08/21/2011

I believe that who ever is raising the kids whether biological, step whatever should be a united and consistant front. I also don't believe in hitting my children. Hitting is just the adult losing their temper and control and lashing out. We teach our kids not to hurt anyone else, even if they are angry yet what are we showing them if you hit them for punishment?

Kate CP - posted on 08/21/2011

"Kate you need to recheck your facts. It is legal to use corporal punishment in schools you can spank your stepchild. I saw it myself in the Texas Penal Code which is the what the cops use in TEXAS"

That's TEACHERS, not law enforcement officials. AND the parents have to sign a permission slip giving the teachers permission to swat a student. How in any way is that saying that police:
a) encourage spanking and recommend it (which, btw, I don't think is a great source for parenting guidance)
b) are allowed to spank a juvenile offender as a punishment.

Why the idea that a cop can spank a juvenile offender is BS: The offender (really, the DEFENDANT) has to go through the process of being charged, being indicted, and then being convicted of a crime. Then the JUDGE decides what punishment will be handed out and it has to coincide with the law. Meaning a person who steals an ATM can't be put to death, or what have you. So, if a child (your for-instance was your step sister stealing a car) steals a car and is caught by the police, the cops CANNOT spank her.

Now, your idea that police encourage spanking is like saying all Christians are Catholic. Not ALL police officers encourage spanking a child. Some might, but saying that ALL POLICE EVERYWHERE encourage people to spank their kids is a fallacy.

Josephine - posted on 08/21/2011

I think it completely depends on the length of the relationship. I am a S/O (wife) and I have been in their lives for 6 1/2 yrs and at one time I did spank them when we had custody of them for a 6mth+ time period. But them allegations were made that I beat them, and now that we have custody of them again I refuse to spank them. My personal reason is I refuse to give anyone the leverage of trying to cause problems with me & mine. But if you trust the judgement of your ex & they allow their spouse to disipline yalls child then there shouldn't be a problem. But if your totally against the whole situation you should as their mother talk to the spouse of your ex and express your do's & don't's so everyone is comfortable & on the same page.

Amanda - posted on 08/21/2011

I agree with Jodi again and no matter how much everyone would like to believe their ex would always put their kids first and never let anyone cross the line. Let me remind you it hasn't been very long since "Baby Grace" floated back into Galveston Bay here in Texas after her stepdad beat her to death. Her dad said in an interview he never thought his ex would let anyone hurt their baby either. People change and like well Jodi and I both said I will never let anyone else touch my son.

And for the record I am by no mean anti spanking I have spanked and will continue to do so but that is my right as his mother to choose to or not to spank my son

Renee - posted on 08/21/2011

Oh, I forgot, if it wasn't clear, spanking children IMO should be limited to young children for safety reasons only AND open handed, not ever in anger (controlled), as well as using a very firm voice with the brief spanking. It saved my children's lives on my end, only spanked each one once for safety and they both never tried the same behavior again since it was rare. I was also spanked and not abused by a LONG shot! It was very rare, and that's the key, plus it was short, not with an item, and never in anger. So, I have RULES for spanking, but I do not consider it abuse in certain situations at all.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

But you can't choose who is moving in with your ex.......

Renee - posted on 08/21/2011

I disagree. If there are adults living in the same home, all should have a say in discipline together. All adults, step parents or biological, as well as guardians, should make sure to be on the same page for discipline before any child is punished. Consistancy. If both agree to a certain method of discipline, then both can administer that discipline when neccessary. If I was in that situation and my new love in my own house didn't agree with my parenting, then they would be gone forever. In fact, BEFORE they moved in, that would be my number one rule because they are my kids. If I was the other one moving in with someone having kids, same thing, we would have to discuss working together as adults before I moved in helping to raise their children. I'd never EVER move in with someone I felt was judging my parenting or someone who I felt was too passive. Even if my mom moved in our home, SHE would have to live by our rules and that's it. I honestly believe this too, consistancy raising kids goes for every adult in the home, period. If my kids are out of line and I was with a S/O living with me or involved in their lives, then they have my permission to discipline them as we agreed on, same with if their kids were with me alone and acted out. Neither person should have to put up with brats in their home. My kids are teens, so spanking is out due to being ineffective in older children, then my partner would be expected to discipline them right away. IMO, whomever is involved with me and living in the same house is part of my team in child rearing of any child whom we are in charge of. JMO.

Amanda - posted on 08/21/2011

I agree with you there too, If there is not an agreement between mom and dad then the stepparents shouldn't ever hit the kids, because you are correct there would be some serious repercussions like you I would flip out if I found out anyone else hit my son

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

I wasn't actually referring to you at all Amanda, I was answering Emma as to why it isn't as simple and straightforward as carrying on parenting styles as a step parent. That's all.

Amanda - posted on 08/21/2011

@ Jodi I am not sure why we keep going back and forth here I agree stepparents don't have the right just because they are married to a parent to hit their step kids and have not argued that point with anyone.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

Emma, the issue is if the 2 biological parents of the child have a different idea about whether they should spank or not. A biological mother who does not agree with spanking will never agree to a step mother spanking, a biological father who doesn't agree with spanking will never agree to a step father spanking. And it WILL create issues if this occurs where both biological parents are in the life of a child.

Stifler's - posted on 08/21/2011

The discipline should be the same across the board if you ask me. If you have different styles of discipline and power play between parents over it of course you're going to have issues. I'm having a hard time understanding why this has become a spanking debate. If you spank your kids, the step parents should carry on that style. If you don't then they shouldn't.

Misty - posted on 08/21/2011

Timeout baaaahaaaa.And that's what is wrong with kids today.I'm done suck on that awhile

Misty - posted on 08/21/2011

Disagree if you wish.And no I am not successful because I was spanked but I was not held back in life by it either.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

Misty, hitting and spanking aren't different. You have to hit in order to be able to spank. You just don't CALL it hitting because it sounds bad, but technically, it is hitting.