Your opinion is URGENTLY needed please!

Lea-anne - posted on 07/27/2010 ( 129 moms have responded )

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Hi there, I've been divorced for almost two years. I have a 7 year old son who loves his Dad and myself to bits!! Although his Dad and i are no longer together, my son has seemed to stabalise from the trauma of the divorce. Currently he sees his Dad every Monday and Wedsday night and every second weekend and half of all holidays. His dad's family is here and all his friends since nursery school are here in RB to. My boyfriend is planning on a career move and has asked me and my son to go with him. He has also stated that i will be provided with a job there in Margate / Port Shepstone area. My son through influence of his Dad does not really respect my bf, but is slowly but surely getting there. But when we suggested the move to him, he said that he definately doesnt want to go, cos he knows that he wont see his Dad as often. I am torn in two here fellow moms. And i know that his Dad is going to fight it in court. What should i do? What would you ladies do?

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Angie - posted on 07/27/2010

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I don't think you should move him. How can you be sure that his guarantee will bring you a job? Until you have a job offer in hand, it is only speculation. I know you love your boyfriend but because you are not in a permanent relationship it's possible that you will move with him and things may not work out. Then your son has suffer the trauma of a divorce and then trauma of being away from his family and friends "for nothing". Do what is best for your son, help him maintain his relationship with his daddy. As he grows he will need his father to guide him more and more.

Amy - posted on 07/27/2010

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Personally I don't think that it's fair to your son or your ex, you don't say anything about your ex being a bad father. It sounds like he's been there for your son and honestly if he takes you to court the judge is going to find out that you are the one that wants to leave and if he talks to your son he doesn't so you maybe the one that ends up getting visitation. Also you don't say how long you've been with your bf so it's hard for me to say if it's worth the sacrafices, but I certainly wouldn't move unless my son could continue on the same visitation and/or agreed to move on his own. Remember you are taking him away from his entire family not to mention his friends.

Louise - posted on 07/27/2010

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In England if the mother wants to move tough on the ex he has to make an extra effort to see his child. He has no rights to stop a mother living where she wants to. I would sit down and think things through. Where is the relationship going are you planning on marrying this man. Is there stability there for your son. Is there a way of making this work as to not upset your child to much. But at the end of the day your son will adapt to where ever you decided to live. Children are resiliant and even though he may be unsettled for a while he will soon settle. You can not run your life around a childs wishes, because his wish is for his mum and dad to be together and that is not going to happen. As long as your son is loved, cared for and healthy nobody has a right to tell you what to do. It is your life, he is your son and you are the one in the relationship only you can decide.

Amy - posted on 07/27/2010

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I know since my divorce my 6 and 7 year olds have vocalized their opinions on evry situation we have come across including me moving 8 hrs away to go back to school temporarily. At that time their father and a had made arrangements that he would keep them for school and that I would have them in the summer and for their spring and christmas breaks. The kids didn't like haven't to wait so long between visits but liked it better then not seeing me until i came back after school. It's hard to say what someone else should do cause I don't know the whole situation for you. Childs seem to adjust better when they know what is going on, my advice would be consider how it would affect your life currently to move, how well established are you in your current job? how sure are you about the job once you move? What arrangements could be made with your sons father as far as seeing your son as much as possible?

Charles - posted on 08/06/2010

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Hey folks...wow... what a response. Charles here, the boyfriend LOL. All points noted and valued and I`d like to put my point accross if I may. Yes, I dont HAVE to move. I have a great job in the retail industry but have been offered partnership in a family retail outlet. My current job is pretty much `dead end`. Promises never seem to materialise and I want more from life for Lea and our kids. (I have a 16yo son who lives with me and a 12yo daughter who lives with my ex 2000km away). I understand the concept of Lea`s little man missing his dad and have tried to get his father to discuss this with me but he refuses to come near our home, let alone talk to me. The reason for this is because I stood up to him when he tried to bad mouth Lea in the beginning of our relationship and promised to back her should he try any sort of legal action. And back her I will. He is a manipulative individual who put Lea through hell in their marriage. He pays under half of the maintenance that the court stipulatedHe constantly badmouths me to his son so much so that the little guy has told me that his dad dislikes me. This has caused the little man to rebel against me but we`re getting there. When Lea moved in with us we did his room up beautifully and thats gone a long way to settling him down. Oh!!! the dad also threatened to sue if they ever moved into my home. Nothing came of that threat. The little guy sees his dad often and should he and Lea move with us(250km away) I`de gladly pay for him to see his dad once a month (his dad would pay for the other weekend) On the subject of my commitment to Lea.... she is currently wearing the engagement ring I bought (on her middle finger) until she feels ready to get engaged so thats my side of commitment sorted.

Well thats really all i can think of at the moment. Lea is an incredible woman and mother and I love her to the max and I`m really hoping that she does choose to move but I will never try and force her. Beg YES but not force LOL. I have found in her my soulmate and am so blessed. I believe children adapt (mine have after 3 years) and in the right environment will flourish. Her son has grown so much more confident in the last few months and I`de like to believe its because he sees how happy mom is. I do understand the concept of uprooting and destabilising but also believe that we need to look at what we as adults also need in our lives...... a loving partnership and a happy home. Thanks again for all the input.

Charles

OH PS...the final order of divorce states that primary residence of Lea`s son is with her so legally I don`t believe we have a problem. ( Contingency plans are however in place should he try for custody)

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129 Comments

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Tabbatha - posted on 04/11/2011

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Charles,
I just posted a response to Lea-anne's post and just came across your post. I must say that I was absolutely touched by your comments...it sounds like Lea-anne is a lucky girl...you understand both sides of the coin. You are absolutely correct that adults need to be happy in their lives as well (a happy parent is needed in order for the child to be happy) although this may not all happen at the same time...but I believe that you have her best interest at heart and that of her son (along with your children). I commend you for going so far as to make a comment on the situation...and the fact that you are giving Lea-anne room to breath and decide for herself and that you've got her back!!! Kudos to you and I wish you guys the best!!

Tabbatha - posted on 04/11/2011

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Lea-anne,

This is a tough decision and not one to be made lightly. Children are resilient, meaning they can adapt...if you decide to move it'll be a huge adjustment but he'll soon meet and make new friends. However my concern is how long have you and your boyfriend been dating and how serious are the two of you? (If that's not getting too personal). I had a relationship to end because my boyfriend wanted me & my daughter to relocate to a different state with him. I told him "no" because we hadn't been dating that long and I didn't want to just uproot my child (she is my priority)...I told him that I had to think realistically...things may not work out between him and I...and the only way that I would relocate for anyone is if we were married....and no I wasn't giving him an ultimatum...I was just being real...I said if it's meant for us to be together, we'd have to do this thing long distance until we grew and learned each other. Well needless to say he moved and lost his mind and went woman crazy....so glad I didn't make the move and went with my gut instinct. I'd say give it some time if it's meant to be your boyfriend will be patient and will make the necessary effort to make the relationship work (long distance)...it is important to think about making some sort of arrangements for your son to spend time with his father if you do decide to move....good luck with your decision

Brooke - posted on 03/09/2011

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Hi there. Charles, you sound like a really good fella, who cares a lot for Lea and her family.
My parents divorced when I was little (about 3) and I was absolutely traumatised. (It took me years to figure out that my recurring nightmares were related to that)
Then, when I was 6, my mother remarried, and we moved from Victoria (Australia), to Queensland, almost 3000kms away. After I met my hubby, we moved to Victoria, as he always wanted to live here. By God, I miss my mother now.
I have finally accepted the fact that I will never have all my family in one place, but there are days I just sit and cry because I miss them so much. I truly wish that my parents did not live at opposite ends of the country, I wish that my kids could meet their Grandma, and most of all, I wish I could just hug my sisters. It has now been 8 years since I have seen them. Sometimes I curse my mother for going so far away, but in my saner moments, I can understand why she did. I can see she is so much happier where she is, and I am very glad for her. So, my point is, don't move unless you are sure that it will result in a better lifestyle for your family. I learnt so many things in Qld that I never would have experienced if we had stayed here. And even if you are sure of it, just be aware that the results could last a lifetime- or more.

Andrea - posted on 08/30/2010

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wow.. I've just read "your" Charles response... You are a lucky girl... Good luck to you both. And well done Charles for having the balls to come on here and put your side after all the stuff that was posted...
Hope everything turns out the way you want..x

Krista - posted on 08/06/2010

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Bless. You sound like a good man, Charles.

I would still give it a little more time, though. Think about it from the little guy's point of view: two years ago, his parents divorce. Then he and his mom move in with you and your son. Those are two really HUGE changes in a kid's life in a relatively short period of time. I think it's still too soon to introduce another major change by hauling up stakes and moving 250km away.

What I would suggest right now is to try to keep the little guy's life as stable as possible right now. I understand that this is a great work opportunity -- could you accept it and do the long-distance thing for awhile, coming home to Lea and the kids on the weekends?

There's no easy solution. And if you and Lea do decide to go for this, I can't really blame you. But if you do this, try not to just blithely think "kids adapt". They adapt, but they are also shaped by their life experiences. So be sensitive to his needs and be patient with him, and do whatever you reasonably can to make sure that the ground under his feet feels solid and secure.

Kelina - posted on 08/06/2010

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Thank you for replying! That gives us a way better understanding of whats going on. If he is that committed to you, I would say go for it. With whats going on, your son might have issues with it at first, but he'll still see his dad twice a month, provided his dad puts out the money for him to go see him the second time, and chances are it would be a way better environment for him to be with the two of you. The kind of negativity that his father provides only puts more stress on you and your son. There;s a good possibility that moving while difficult at first will do your son a world of good. And as your son grows he'll develop his own opinions of his dad. The important thing is for him to have a positive role model and it sounds like he's found that in your boyfriend. It's perfectly understandable to be a little bit nervous about getting married a second time when you obviously went through hell the first time. It's going to be hairy and difficult but i think it might be for the best.

Misty - posted on 08/04/2010

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I don't think it is fair to your son. And as a person that works with this kind of stuff, your husband stands a great chance of getting custody if you do choose to move away. I would tread carefully!

Karen - posted on 08/04/2010

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hi,
that is a really tough situation. first i think it would depend on how long you have been with your boyfriend. 7 years old is a really tough age for so many changes. i know you said that he is adjusting well, but that probably has a lot to do with his support system being close by. please do not get me wrong, the fact that you are even concerned and not just doing it, shows that you love and care about your son. but in all honesty, i would say do not do it, at least not at this time. sorry, because i am sure that's not what you were hoping to hear, but i think it probably is the best thing for your son at this point. of course this is just my opinion. (and if he did not have a relationship with his father, it might be different) good luck.

Darinda - posted on 08/03/2010

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I think you should listen to what your son is telling you..It wouldnt be fair to your son or his dad..If it were me I would definatley not move... I wouldnt put my son through that..

Brenda - posted on 08/03/2010

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Im not sure where you live but if its in Australia and you want to move states you need to have permission from your ex. Im also 99% sure if you move any great distance in the same state that if your ex cant get the same access to his sone you also need his permission.

Christi - posted on 08/02/2010

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That is very difficult. If it were me, not saying you should, but just me here, I would stay where I am. A bf is a bf, not a spouse or fiance or anything of that nature. Long distance relationships can be difficult, but for me, my child would be the very first thing I considered. If he were to stay behind with his father, you would be miserable, where as if you stayed put, you could keep your son happy. I know it would mean being away from your bf, but that is a bf, not a blood, not a child.

Isadora - posted on 08/02/2010

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I would move. The reaon why is so that you can move on with your new life and your son would learn that some things are meant to be if they weren't you could move back.He would have to learn to adjust to a new way of living.But you don t wanna miss out. I don't know the problems between you and your ex, but i would ensure he would still have his privlages and that could never be broken but you need to move on with your new life,like isaid if it doesnt work out go back home!!! P.S. Life is too short to ride on if.

Amanda - posted on 08/02/2010

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Welll hun you must think of your son feeling first GOD blessed us with these children and they are our future and the bf will understand if he loves you no one can replace the reall dads our kids do grow up and you dont wont him upset at you for moving good luck pray on this GOD will answer

User - posted on 08/02/2010

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put your child first. thats your most important JOB. being a parent! forget about the boyfriend, your son was here first and he matters the most

Gayle - posted on 08/02/2010

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I think you should absolutely look at the big picture and remember to consider these things: 1) Have you and your boyfriend been living together in your current city? 2) If so, why move to a new city without an engagement or marriage? 3) If not, how can someone expect you to change your life and your son's life when you haven't even lived together as a family yet? Best of luck.

Meghan - posted on 08/02/2010

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In my oppinion,if your boyfriend really loves and cares for you and your son,he wouldn't even ASK you to uproot.He would make HIS life fit with YOURS where you are :))

Beryl - posted on 08/02/2010

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me i would get to pieces and write down the good sides and the bad side to this move and then if the good was better then the bad i would go and amake arrangments so ur son acan see his dad on weekends and hoildays plus if hes got a computer he can see his dad on the web cam and speak to him on the computer so he can keep in touch and u can go down at speical hoildays for him to spend time

Donna - posted on 08/02/2010

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Hi,
I think that you really need to look at where your current relationship is going. How long have you been with your partner and is this leading down the pathway of marriage, because, whatever you decide, it is going to affect your son as well. I hope that I don't offend you in any way as that is not my intention. At the end of the day, in my opinion, we as adults can move on from unpleasant situations, and yes, we also hurt, but for a child....it can be a long hard road to recovery, forgivenes. I hope that you make the right decision, not only for your son, but for your happiness as well. Good luck :)

User - posted on 08/01/2010

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The whole situation is sticky, you need to look at it from your ex husbands eyes, how would to feel if he had your son and took him completely out of his life. I would be pained if that were to happen to me, there wouldn't be anything to live for because seeing your child, whether it be everyday or only once or twice a week is needed! Any parent would go crazy, and feel left out if they were torn from their child..

Kristina - posted on 08/01/2010

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Simple answer from a mother who has lived my entire childhood-adulthood with divorced parents & remarried parents. This is difficult subject. I will go with my gut & prior choices in my own parenting. I would NOT leave to move with a bf. Even if there was no bf, it would be a very hard choice with all you have shared. I believe that the best is with you & his father close by. Who knows what the future holds. Best of Luck! God Bless

Debbie - posted on 08/01/2010

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My first question is how long have you been dating this boyfriend? You said that your son doesn't respect him, which raises more questions in my mind. You also said that your son has a good relationship with both you and your ex, which speaks volumes. He appears to be an active and involved dad, and your son needs both of you. If it were me,I would hold off on the move. It just seems like you and your ex are doing what's best for your son right now, and that is being in a place where he can be loved by both of you. Your son probably feels like he's involved in the divorce all over again,and the fear of not seeing his dad as often is very frightening to him. Then there's the whole issue of his friends. If you are torn, I think you probably already know the right thing to do. Good luck!

[deleted account]

I have to agree with you Sharon on 2 counts- 1. when you say the significant other has no rights in terms of a parental role and 2. also when you say things have changed with Courts.

Firstly, whether us step-parents like it or not, that's the way the Courts see it- we have no rights, not fun but it's true. And Lea-anne if a signifiant other loves you they will understand- I sacrificed my career and alot more besides to be with my hubby and b/c of my SS's.

And secondly- here's an example of how differently the Courts do things now- wasnt going to discuss this in my earlier posts b/c it's kind of sensitive- my husband's ex was charged with the Attempted Murder of their kids following their break-up, which she later plead guilty to. Plead guilty, she wasnt FOUND guilty, she made an admission. And the Court still granted her 50% custody b/c "It's in the children's best interests to have a relationship with both parents" BTW once she started her sentence, this meant we had make them visit her in jail. Where they were strip-searched before each visit among other things. So like Lisa I kind of feel strongly about the issue.

Kelly - posted on 08/01/2010

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Remove your BF from the picture, in your mind. Always do what is best for yourself and son first. If moving is going to be what is best for you two by creating more opportunities and income or putting your son in a better school. Then go for it! If it really isn't then it's time to sit down think about this relationship and where it's going.

Sharon - posted on 08/01/2010

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Lisa, I am so sorry for you and your husband. It is absolutley heartbreaking to be in that situation. We too were there a few years ago, although the outcome was different and we are very blessed that the courts ruled in our favor and we currently have a happy bubbly teenager, who is free to be with and love both parents as it had always been.
Lee-anne, if something isn't broken, don't try to fix it! Your son has a strong relationship with his father and extended family. And it sounds like you all have been adult enough to put your differences behind you and focus on the best interest of your son. Do you really want to jeaprodize the workable relationship that you have with your son's father and put your son thru a custody battle in the courts. You said Dad will fight you. Well yeah! Wouldn't you fight if he decided he was going to move away with your son? I have read many posts that say it is your right because he is your son. He is also his father's son! Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, he has two parents and a new significant other has no right to try to step into that role - and I am sure that statement will open pandora's box but it is true. That a whole different scenerio which you will probably encounter before your son is 18. In a nut shell, your son has two parents who he adores and who love him. It has worked well so far. Things have changed over the years. Courts are starting to really recognize the role of both parents when it comes to the best interest of the child. They don't like to see children drug back thru the legal system to fix something that is not broken. They will look at which parent can and will continue to encourage a positive & loving relationship with the other parent. The outcome could be far worse for you than the what you currently have. You said your son was 7. That is 11 years of your life to sacrafice on his behalf. Sounds like forever, I know. In reality, it goes by so quickly. Treasure every moment with him and let his father do the same.

Lisa - posted on 08/01/2010

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Im sorry to drag this out... but I feel so strongly about this... many things have been mentioned and they are very good valid points.. but the BIG picture is when we take all of the bitterness, dislike, anger, and every other emotion out of it...and have "the best interest of out children" in mind.... What right I mean really what right do we have to move our children away from their fathers/mothers depending on who has primary custody.... the school that they know, their extended family, friends... just all of it.... I mean I know that people move (married people) and the kids dont get as great a say in it.... but it really just seems that we are awarded that winning title of custodial parent it shouldnt mean that we just get to do whatever we want... and both parents need to put their children first and not aggrivate any concept of everyone continuing to take just as large a roll in the childs life as prior to the big fall out.....

Laura - posted on 07/31/2010

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I WOULD LIKE TO SAY AFTER READING ALL THE ADVISE COMENTS THAT I THINK U MIGHT BE MISSING A FEW THOUGHTS OR POSIBILITIES.
MY 1ST THOUGHT WAS WHY DOES HE THINK U SHOULD TAKE YOUR SON AND EVEN MOVE 1/2 AN HOUR FROM ALL THE FAMILY AND THINGS YOU AND YOUR SON KNOW?
2ND: WHY IS HE NOT THINKING OF MARRIAGE? WITCH WOULD SHOW THAT HE WANTS A PERMANET COMITMET?3RD: ARE U ABLE TO MOVE BACK OUT ON YOUR OWN?
NEXT, HAVE U THOUGHT ALL YOUR PLANS THOURALLY THREW. WHAT WOOD U DO IF IT DON'T WORK? 4TH I THINK I WOULD BE WONDERING HOW AND WHY HE HAS SET UP A SITUATION TO MOVE U AND YOUR SON AWAY FROM YOUR SECURITY, WHY HAS HE MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR A JOB FOR U? I THINK I WOULD REALLY BE ASKING MYSELF IF THIS PERSON HAS ALTERRIORE MOTIVES! SOUNDS LIKE MOVE U AND YOUR SON AWAY AND HE CAN BE IN CONTROL AND POSESIVE. MY THOUGHTS AFTER READING THIS SAYS BE VERY CAREFUL!

Beryl - posted on 07/31/2010

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Honestly at the end of the day it comes down to what you feel deep down what is right. I was in the same situation I had 2 children 5 and 2 year old at the time, the kids and I moved away from the their dad 3 hours away to be with my bfd as he had a job somewhere else. I assure you my ex did not make it easy, we went through family court councellor and he wrote up an agreement that the dad has them every second weekend and a week in the school holidays got the judge to stamp it and all was good, but your husband has no right to stop you from leaving that another way of trying to control your situation he's feeling like it's the end of the world because he wont see his son as offern as he wants. My kids have made lots of new friends and happy as now 5 years later Im still with bfd. The kids dad still gets to see them every second weekend. My son now 10 him and his stepdad has had their up's and down's, it hasnt been easy but we have made it work as a family. I just feel that Im so lucky to have found some other guy that was willing to take on that role in being there for me and my kids. I hope you do too :)

[deleted account]

Lisa- I have even more respect for you having heard a bit more of your story and the fact that you can own up to your mistakes. In my divorce I was 'lucky' in that we didnt have kids so I cant imagine how horrible it is, no matter reasonable a person you are, to have to go without your kids for any length of time. But I do know that if, heaven forbid, something even happened to hubby and my marriage (and god knows his ex has tried-lol!) my love for my children is so strong that I wouldn't want to deprive them of their dad b/c they love him so much that the pain wouldn't just be his, it would be theirs too. And I wish to god all the mothers out there could be as reasonable as you.

Ingrid - posted on 07/31/2010

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How secure and stable is your relationship with your boyfriend? I mean, am not sure if it would look good that you are moving with your boyfriend in front of a judge. Now, if you got custody, and got a better job , this could be a more reasonable idea to move. You and your boyfriend need to spend more time with your son, and enjoy each other's company. You need to acknowledge your son"s feelings too. He might be jealous of your boyfriend or afraid that he will loose you too. I did not introduce my fiancé to my daughter until she watched how good he was to me and to her, and she develop a relationship w each other. Also the relationship with his father is important regardless of the troubles you two may have. He needs both of you. You can go to court to say that you are moving and maybe your son can spend half of the time during the summer. Make a plan first so the judge can see that you are not trying to snatch your child away from his daddy bc than you will loose custody.

Lea - posted on 07/31/2010

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I myself am divorced and it is very difficult when it comes to wanting to possibly do more for your life and balance what is right for your children. Since he is only your boyfriend, I would suggest not making such a move. It would be different if your current job was wanting to promote you and part of that promotion was moving. Personally, I would explain to your boyfriend that at this time it would not be wise for you to move your son and yourself away. If your boyfriend proves to be a reliable man and eventually decides to take the next step with you then that is a road you will be able to cross once you get there. Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2010

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Thanks gals.... I havent always made the best choice or maybe the right ones... but I am proud to have evolved and learned that it isnt about me.. I dont think I was ever one of those bitter people.. I know I was hurt for a long time and maybe I didnt encourage all of the cutzee things I should have at first but Ive learned.... its okay to take $5 and remind our children that its fathers day... and people that say they cant remember their ex's birthdays are just full of it... let the kids give their other parent something... even if the respect isnt given back to you from the other parent... your children will learn from your example and eventually do for you without the need for assistance from the other parent.... and even more they will remember how special you made them feel!!!! My current husband sadly has the wicked witch from pergatory to deal with... she was jealous and mean from the beginning and I love their daughter to death... but her mother has made sure that she moved away and the judge just opened the door and go right a head... then the activities started... birthday parties... swimming.....dancing.... what ever else she could do to keep her there and not with us,,,, worse than that my husbands heart broke..... and I kept telling him to fight.. and he did... only to have his daughter forced into a court room and look him in the face and say she didnt want to see him very much that she liked her new life better.... and her new Dad made a lot of money so she got a lot of things... and believe me when it came to the kids we never had them do without.... It makes me angry at other women who I know are having a hard time... but instead of getting help...talking to someone they use their children as pawns..... okay...lol.. my rant is over.. lol... Thanks again ladies!!!!

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2010

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Lisa, I am with Mandy here. I don't think anyone could say it any better than you have. It is heartbreaking to see so many people disregard what is truly best for thier child/children because they can not rise above bitterness they feel for their own ex. God bless you for being adult enough to look at the big picture & making the sacrafices you have made for your girls. They are very blessed to have you and their father working together for their benefit. As you can see from these posts, there are many who are not as fortunate! Best of luck to you and to Lea-anne. It is not an easy road, but it can be done.

[deleted account]

You must be very strong Lisa, I cant imagine how that must feel. But I know what my stepsons have been through and I wouldn't wish it on the most mentally tough person on the planet- like you it makes me cry. But it is so encouraging to 'meet' one divorced person who isnt making the kids pay the price. xoxoxox

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2010

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Thanks Mandi.... the goofy thing is every time I post something all I can do is well up.... it all just breaks my heart... my girls have had to go through the divorce dump.... but I always hear people say that kids are tough they will get over it.... well maybe my marriage couldnt and shouldnt have been worked out... that was "my" relationship.... but what right do I have to make her be tough to endure minimizing "her" relationship with her Dad...

[deleted account]

Lea-anne, I feel for you having to make such a tough call but I just think it's a bit of a shame that alot of people on here are encouraging you to disregard 1. your son's feelings- statements like "he will get over it"- you dont know that, some kids actually dont recover from things like this and go on to make very bad choices for themselves in their teen years and beyond- and 2. your son's relationship with his father. You make dislike your ex for a very good reason, I know my hubby has the best reason in the world to hate his ex (and no it's not about his personal feelings, it's about the kids' safety in her care) but at the end of the day you shouldn't impact on HIS relationship with his dad and I can tell you from very bitter personal experience, a Court will tell you the same. If his dad is in reality some kind of loser then your son will figure that out in his own way, given time with and around his dad. Trust me on this one.

Think also of your own relationship with him and what would happen if circunstances changed. One sensible person put it well- how would you feel if you did make the move and at some point your son decided to live with his dad and then you are the one separated by distance from him and having to make do with emails etc?

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2010

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The other very difficult but important thing to try to remember for our childrens sake... and believe I have at times when thinking about my ex... asked myself what the hek was I thinking.... but at one time there was something ... a kindness and sense of humor or who knows what brought us to be with the person that we created these beautiful children with.... we need to remember that at one time we found some good in that person... and hold on to that when we are on the edge of thinking we are more important or better parents (and in some situations we just might be)..... but our children love us both and for them that is what is important... How would we as custodial parents feel if the other parent could just come and say hey.... I met this woman and she is getting a job 1800 miles away and you know what Im going and our child is going to go too..... I would die right there... my heart wouldnt be able to go without seeing my children every day every week every month or every year..... we dont have to still be in love with the person to be thankful for the gifts that we have because at one point they were in our lives.....!!!!!

Nathalie - posted on 07/31/2010

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It's never a good idea to take your child and move anywhere out of your ordinary with a boyfriend.... You are at risk of having serious issues with your son and his dad...What about the if it does not work out with you and this guy? Then what?

Graciela - posted on 07/31/2010

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Parenting is about the sacrafice. Don't sacrafice his having the bond of a parent over your own wants and desires. Your BF should have known what he was getting into and your limitations are his if he truly is into this commitment. If you think it's okay to do this - leave your son with his dad and see how you feel. I say this not to be cruel - but in the bible there is a story of two 'mothers' and cutting the baby in half since both claimed to be the mother. The true mother was willing to give up her child to prevent his pain.

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2010

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And if the boyfriend / girlfriend can't or won't consider your child & a strong relationship with the ex, do you really want them in your child's life?

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2010

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Deborah, There are exceptions, absolutely! But again, there are 2 sides to every story. I think Lea-anne probably already knows in her heart what is truly best for her son and I pray for her as this is only one of those heartwrenching decisions she is to face. Sharon C pretty well sums it up in her post above. As Lea-anne stated the legal battle of the divorce was already traumatic for him and he is finally adjusting. It just saddens me terribly to see so many children drug thru the legal system and paying the ultimate price of having to choose between their parents. There are huge sacrafices to be made in a divorce/custody situation. All I am saying is, as the parents - the two adults that loved each other enough at one time to bring a child into the world - one should be able to make the sacrafices and not expect the child to do so. Courts order joint custody for a reason, just as they may have ruled differently in your situation as a child. In this situation, it has worked well - by Lea-anne's own post. How is it possibly beneficial to a child to drag them back thru a legal battle because one parent or the other has a new signicant other in their lives and wants to change things? The child should come first and if that significant other has any intentions of being around for the long haul and truly loves you and your child, they will find a way to make it work without separating a child from the other parent.

Gemma - posted on 07/31/2010

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unlike most of the comments on here, i think you should do what is rite for you! i've been through a similar situation myself and its amazing how tough our little ones are, im sure he will be fine and will make new friends in no time. as for his dad, yes he will miss him and will probably take a while to adjust, and this mite soud harsh but it will give him and your bf time to bond without daddy to put him off him. what ever you decide, hope things work out for you.

Deborah - posted on 07/31/2010

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We could give you better advice if we knew a bit more about the situation, maybe you could answer some of the questions being asked..



Sharon - God may have give us Mothers and Fathers, but I sure as hell grew up a lot better with my violent alocholic father NOT in my life! And my daughter will grow up happier without her selfish verbally abusive father in hers!



Lee-anne didn't mention much about her ex, but one line stood out to me "My son through influence of his Dad does not really respect my bf, but is slowly but surely getting there" This reads to me as my ex is trying his best to get my son to hate my bf but isn't succeeding, hardly a model parent now is he? Trying to get his son to disrespect his mums new boyfriend. And the new boyfriend must be something special if the son is starting to like him despite his dads attempts to poison him.

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2010

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It still isnt in the best interest of the child to be moved away from either parent that is envolved in their life.... not for a job, not for a marriage nothing.... and we all know that marriage isnt a sure bet because we have been through it.... Its hard to work with an ex and to consider that they are just as important as we are in our childs life but we have to... for our kids sake... Kids need both parents... and that doesnt mean that many step-parents arent amazing in our childrens life.... but they need all of us.... They need a home to be able to go back to when they are 20, 30 ... and maybe even over 40.... a place of memories and security that will always be there.... and they will thank us when they are older that we loved them enough to want to give them roots or a secure foundation to start out their own lives.... its not about us... it is about them... and I guess there is part of me that feels that I owe my kids the extra effort to ensure that they have a healthy and consistent relationship with their father and his family; so if that means that I stay in the same town/state area... and we share a grocery store, park, mall, library and we run into each other at school functions then that is what I will do.... that is the unconditional love we need to have for our children... and I know I can make a home, meet someone, and be happy right here in the same town!!!

Susan - posted on 07/31/2010

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Ultimately, it is your decision as a parent. But think you should take your son, his father and your famiies' feelings into consideration also. Kids move all the time and deal with it after an adjustment period. But, me personally, I think I'd wait on a move. He sounds like he's in a good place now, and I don't know how long you've been with your boyfriend, or how far away you'd be moving. I'd say, if you're really serious about your boyfriend, try a long-distance relationship. If the relationship is still strong down the road, then re-visit the option.

[deleted account]

Kids first, you second. I'm sticking to it.

No, I have not been divorced and had to go through custody or relocating. But I can offer my opinion based on 15 years experience from a teacher point of view. Kids need stability & support at home, in order to succeed in school. Most kids can and do adapt to changing situations like divorce & custody. But there are some that don't, and spiral into a downward tailspin. It may take them years to recover and by then, they are struggling students. I have seen kids emotionally sick over a pending divorce, even if it is a friendly & mutual separation. Kids first, you second. Many kids will confide in their teacher than their own parents, and we teachers end up becoming a counselor, a mentor, someone to vent to, someone who won't bash the other parent, someone who puts YOUR kid first. You have to put your own child's welfare, health, and stability above and beyond your own happiness. I just can't understand the rationale of a parent who would sabotogue and jeopardize the relationship of the non-custodial parent. As far as your relationship with your BF, you failed to elaborate more on the status of your relationship so I won't comment.

Michele - posted on 07/31/2010

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I don't think you should move with a boyfriend. When my 20 year old was 4 and I was with a boyfriend for 2 years. My then boyfriend joined the Navy and asked would I move where ever he got stationed. I advised that I wouldn't move my son away from his family nor my family for a boyfriend. If he was my husband it would be a different story. So on he left for boot camp, lo and behold 4 weeks later I got a letter with a proposal from him. We were married 4 weeks later and we all moved 8 hours away. We have been married for 15 years this November. My son took some serious emotional hits because of the distance of his real father, even though his step father was and is a great father.



If you move away with your son for the sake of a boyfriend who is to say that your relationship with him is going to work and then you're left in a different city with just you and your son. However you shouldn't let your child make the decision for you, it would be sending the wrong message if you did. Since when did it become a child's say and not the parent's say? Just make sure that you're moving for the right reasons, don't move to save a relationship unless you're sure it's the real thing. It would really suck for your son to have to go through another break-up. Even if you do marry and move unless your ex is very present in your son's life he is going to face some serious emotional issues. He could become angry with you and lash out, you'll just have to make sure you get him some counseling if you start to see behavioral problems.



I wish you the best of luck making this very difficult choice in life, it will be the first of many.

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