Your opinion is URGENTLY needed please!

Michele - posted on 07/31/2010

I don't think you should move with a boyfriend. When my 20 year old was 4 and I was with a boyfriend for 2 years. My then boyfriend joined the Navy and asked would I move where ever he got stationed. I advised that I wouldn't move my son away from his family nor my family for a boyfriend. If he was my husband it would be a different story. So on he left for boot camp, lo and behold 4 weeks later I got a letter with a proposal from him. We were married 4 weeks later and we all moved 8 hours away. We have been married for 15 years this November. My son took some serious emotional hits because of the distance of his real father, even though his step father was and is a great father.



If you move away with your son for the sake of a boyfriend who is to say that your relationship with him is going to work and then you're left in a different city with just you and your son. However you shouldn't let your child make the decision for you, it would be sending the wrong message if you did. Since when did it become a child's say and not the parent's say? Just make sure that you're moving for the right reasons, don't move to save a relationship unless you're sure it's the real thing. It would really suck for your son to have to go through another break-up. Even if you do marry and move unless your ex is very present in your son's life he is going to face some serious emotional issues. He could become angry with you and lash out, you'll just have to make sure you get him some counseling if you start to see behavioral problems.



I wish you the best of luck making this very difficult choice in life, it will be the first of many.

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2010

I can not even tell you how a world can be turned up side down by one or both parents moving from the home state... Divorce is hard enough on children but then throwing in the concept of long car rides and possibly plane rides alone to see one parent for an extended period of time and then not the other... I can tell you that there is no job worth it and anyone that you have been in a relationship with if they understood what children are going through would never ask you to create such a situation. It feels like if as parent who were once together and working for the best interest of the child that we created together and promised to love together that we need to find a mutual respect that we are stuck together for a very long time (just not in the same way)...... Its a very lonely feeling when they leave to then go have to adjust to a month or more of a completely different life... one of which more than likely you have never seen the home or know the neighbors and if something happened while they were away from you... are you prepared to hop a plane or drive for hours to get to them.... its s terrible situation.... and it hurts our children...

Beth - posted on 07/31/2010

Are you getting married to this man? It is unfair to move your child away from his father for a relationship that may not last. If you are sure that this is a permanant relationship - get married. Set an example for your son. Also - if it comes to a court issue married parents hold more sway than hook-up or boyfriends.

Arlene - posted on 07/31/2010

??I did not see mention of marriage. I most certainly would not do a thing without being married first!

Sharon - posted on 07/31/2010

Very true Andrea, we all have our opinions, but bottom line is God gave children a mother & Father for a reason. The courts also give joint custody for a reason. Children need both parents and regardless of the differences between Ex's, the child comes first. You are very correct Andrea on the fact that I don't know your situation or Lea-anne's but I do know there are two sides to every situation. Why should one parent be able to take the child away from the other parent - when there is a loving bond between the two? Just imagine someone telling you that it is not a big deal, your kids will adapt, besides you can communicate with them via email, skype and us mail plus you will get to see them a couple of times a year. Would that be ok with you? It isnt always easy and yes you sacrafice, but if the adults truly put their children first, it can be done. And the greatest reward is seeing your child grow up as a happy confidant young adult who has one big family and the love and support of both parents in their life.
My best wishes to both you and Lea-anne & your children.

Ilona - posted on 07/31/2010

You are torn between the love of your son and the love of your boyfriend. Being divorced myself abt the same time as you also with children - I know that any many I marry in the future will not be accepted by my boys. So in order to carve a life for myself in a new relationship I have to take the heat if the relationship is worth it. However, I would not cause a rift in my family unless I was going to be married. So you need to make a decision if living with your boyfriend is an example you wish to show your son or if moving your relationship with your boyfriend to marriage is what you both want. Then - visitation and shared custody arrangements can be modified so that your son does not feel torn and taken away from his father. Your first step is determining the level of committment you and your boyfriend will make. I would not shake my kids world to live with a man.

Nathalie - posted on 07/31/2010

Its harsh but just go.if your boyfriend is getting a good job you should go for your future and your lad.More money more plane rides,everbodys happy.

Andrea - posted on 07/31/2010

Sharon, I am entitled to my opinion just like you are yours...
You know nothing about me and as such, you maybe should not comment... I am like you offering my opinion!
My belief is that if you are have an ex, they are an ex for a reason, you know nothing of lea-annes or my circumstances or situations....
Maybe before you comment on someone's opinion you should consider why they have an EX partner!!!
Sorry to take away from your request Lea-anne..

Kate - posted on 07/30/2010

I have not read the other posts, so sorry if I am repeating what others have said.



Unfortunately I think when a family is separated you need to think about what is in the best interests of the child. If his relationship with your boyfriend is not yet totally comfortable then you may be causing more dramas if you move as a result of your boyfriends job. Unfortunately when you become invovled with someone who already has a child, the needs of the child and the dynamics of the child have to take priority. I have a step daughter and I would never ask my parnter to move because of my job. We both know that we can't travel, take long holidays, or move overseas or interstate until she is 18 years old and can come and see us whenever she likes. This is just the way it is.



I understand your boyfriend probably has a great opportunity with this position, but I think the needs of your son have to come first. If the current arrangements cannot be maintained in the new location then, personally I would say i can't move. I'd tell my bf I am very sorry, but my son has to see his father, and these are the court arrangements.



I think it is probably fair to say that your ex would go to court about it, and he has that right. This would then become another cost for you and your boyfriend in the move, and unless there are compelling reasons that you should move, I think the court would probably file in your ex's favour anyway.



I think that children will rarely want to make the move, so it's not surprising that your son said he didn't want to go, and I don't think what he wants should necessarily factor in the equation, however he needs to have a relationship with his father, and if the current arrangements cannot be maintained if you move, then... well it's probably not in your son's best interests.



Sorry honey, it's a really hard position you are in, but your son didn't choose this life, and I think you have to put his relationship with his dad and you first. Hopefully your new man will understand this, and make allowances for this new situation.



I suspect if he loves you, and really wants to be part of your, and your son's life, he will find a way to make this relationship work, whether he moves, or stays. If you had children together he would have to consider their needs, so he has to think about your son as wel.



After all, isn't that what love is?



Good luck. Hopefully it all works out for you.

Kris - posted on 07/30/2010

I am the mother of 4 grown children, my baby is about to leave for college in a couple weeks. My 2 oldest girls are from my first marriage, and we divorced when they were 5 and 3.
You don't mention how far away this move would be. I would not move with a boyfriend. That is not necessarily a permanent relationship, whereas your son has a permanent relationship with his father. If you and your boyfriend marry, that then is a different story, yet I would still do my best to remain local. The day will come when your son will want to live with his dad, then you'll be missing out on much of his day to day life.
Stay local.

Diane Box - posted on 07/30/2010

I would not separate your son from his father. As a divorced Mom, I fully respect your need and want to be with the man you love. However, the only thing I know for sure is that my children will always be my children. We have a challenging task as women with kids. I emathize with you. However, no matter how amazing the man in your life is, it does not compare to the love and responsibility we have to our kids. If you move your son, and GOD forbid, your relationship does not last, or even if it does, he will resent you for taking him away from his father. If his father leaves the area you live in, then you obviously have a right to do what ever you want. The question you must ask is- what are you willing to risk in order to be with your boyfriend. Are you willing to risk a relationship with your son? It stinks. But I am pretty sure, for the well being of your son, you need to stay put.

Jenny - posted on 07/30/2010

I agree with the other moms.. I wouldn't move him away from his father. If your boyfriend really loves you he will reconsider the move or put a ring on your finger. I personally think it is wonderful your son is still able to have a relationship with your ex. Every child needs to have both parents and your in a situation wrhere yours does! I would stick to your gut instint and stay where you are.. your son has had enough drama!! Just my opinion based on the small amount of information you posted! Good luck and have faith. BTW if you really wanted to go you wouldn't question yourself...

Patty - posted on 07/30/2010

I think a lot of my decision would be made if you felt that the BF was going to be a permanent fixture in your life. I would not move with him unless it was permanent. I E MARRIED. I know it's not such a big thing, but i you ex does take you to court you will NEED that to have the judge on your side. The judge will not be on your side as much if you were doing a live in thing. They're gonna think " what is this woman teaching her son? What home life does he have with this woman that has a temporary relationship (even if you have been together for years, he has nothing showing that he's not going to pack up tomorrow and leave). I think that if he cares enough to ask you to move, he should be big enough to offer the ring. If he's not, then it's not a relationship you need. you are an adult and you need to make the big choices for you and your son.

Evelyn - posted on 07/30/2010

Your son will surely get over it and will later on accept the situation and love your Bf,,,more so if will continue the effort in winning his respect and attention by being a good father to him.The court will surely side with you as its legal for you to have custody of your son and his "Dad" can visit him anyway as often as he prefer.I can say this as I was in the same situation ten years ago,,,and it worked out.Goodluck

Gail - posted on 07/30/2010

I agree!

Cassandra - posted on 07/30/2010

The only way I would uproot and move is if you and this boyfriend are getting married. The boyfriend needs to make a commitment to the relationship through marriage if he expects you to uproot everything that has been built for you and your son and move away with him. The question shouldn't be move with me the question should be will you marry me! If he can't do that then it's not worth the move.

Gail - posted on 07/30/2010

Children always refuse to move, but if the adults act like adults, the children will adapt. You need to reassure your son that he will see his Dad. Try to work out an arrangement with his father, so that he will be on board. Offer summer visitation, alternate holidays, etc. Each of you will have longer, uninterrupted time with your son. In some ways that is more stable. Then you can both sell it to your son. He may still be angry, but you must be firm but reassuring.
Then you need to be absolutely sure that you should move. You need to assess your relationship with your boyfriend - is this leading to a long term relationship? Is there really a job for you that you want?? Be sure that you will not regret the move.

Sharon - posted on 07/30/2010

was just reading some replies...and Andrea please re-read what has been posted. Put your child before your desires...that is what being a parent is all about! Please don't encourage someone to separate their child from the beloved other parent just to justify what you may have done!!!

Sharon - posted on 07/30/2010

It is about your son, not you or his dad anymore, and a child deserves to have both parents in his life! Don't make him choose.

Jean - posted on 07/30/2010

I would try to reconcile with my husband for the son's sake.

Stacey - posted on 07/30/2010

In my opinion I feel that regardless of any situation between parents the children come first. If its goin to cause emotional stress on your son I would advise against it. I am a single Mum with a 9 month old baby girl. I broke up with my ex 3 months into my pregnancy. My ex and I have an amicable relationship. I have full custoday and he has 1 visit per week. I really wish that he would have nothing to do with her. I looked at everything I could possibly do throughout the pregnancy to give him nothing, however I know in the end all that will do will make Bub resent me for not having that relationship with her father. I feel in your situation if you did move away your son would resent you for taking him away, it would be much harder for him to build a relationship with your boyfriend knowing that he would be one of the main reasons for the move. Also you are taking him away from his home, friends family etc. Its hard enough for kids to deal with change let alone leaving a parent aswell. If your boyfriend truely cared for you he will understand that and would get a job where you wouldnt have to move. When somone is in a relationship with someone with a child they also need to put that child first otherwise it will never work.

Rosie - posted on 07/30/2010

i also feel you should stay where your childs father is as well. i would ask myself how i would feel if he had moved so far away, and i would also think of your sons feelings about this as well. if your mother moved you away from your dad to be with her new boyfriend would you be pissed at her?



just throwing this out there, would your ex consider moving too? you never know till you ask! then everyone would be getting what they want!

Kelina - posted on 07/30/2010

I wouldn't recommend it. I ahven't seen you answer any of the vital questions on here so i don't have any more information than they do but it sounds like a bad idea to me. one the one hand, if you do move, you're uprooting your son from somewhere he's comfortable and taking him away from his dad, and since it sounds like his dad is a good dad it wouldn't be fair for him to miss out on seeing his dad. Eventually he would come to resent you for taking him away from him and might want to go live with his dad. on the other hand, if you leave him with his dad, then he would wonder why you were abandoning him. And on yet another hand if you stay you could be missing out on the chance at a happily ever after with a wonderful new guy. Is there any way you could do it long distance for a while? i really don't think it's a good idea to uproot your son.

April - posted on 07/30/2010

Put yourself in your ex's shoes. Would you want him to take your son far from you and have to see him less? When you had a baby with your ex you tied yourself to him for life. That means you have to stay a reasonable distance near him

Sue - posted on 07/30/2010

First off your children need stability. Regardless of where. Until you are married, your children must take priority. Get them involved in a stable safe enviroment where they feel they can talk openly with a third party (church or counseling). My step-daughter was 8 when her father and I married. It has taken 5 years of marriage, church counselors and an indepent counselor (child, father, mother and myself) in monthly meetings to get her to stop listening to her mother's destructive, negative, talk of us. Of course the other parent speaking negatively to the child or around the child to another is a direct violation of Federal Court order in family court and can be brought to the family court and that person could lose visitation rights, custody rights, etc.

Andrea - posted on 07/30/2010

wow... You have sparked a lot of opinions here haven't you?
I'm sorry but I may be in the minority here.. However....
I'm going through a divorce.. I've a 7 year old and a 3 year old..
The only advice I think anyone should give is this..
You listen to your heart, you listen to what you think is right for you... You are the adult, you have to make the decisions that affect your son.. And that affect you.. If you think this move is the right thing to do for the both of you, without having any concerns or worries.. You do it.. If you have any worries or concerns you then have to think about it.. Whos to say in the future your ex won't move away? Re marry? The future is an adventure.. And you have to do what is right for you.. Obviously you have to consider you ex, but.... Arrangements can be made and their is the phone/internet/Skype and god forbid the good old fashioned letter.....
You do what is right for you.. Your ex is your ex for a reason!!!
I've found that as long as I'm happy my children are happy..
Good look.. Hope everything works out for you..xxx

Betsy Otken - posted on 07/30/2010

Although I understand how important it is to love and be loved by a wonderful man, I encourage you to stay where you are and keep your child's homelife as stable as possible until your bf is actually IN another job, settled, has some stability. Rather than have your son travel to visit his father, you can travel back and forth (at your boyfriend's expense) to see him and really see if that is what is best for YOU and your son. I've been in your shoes, took a chance on love in a very similar situation and would not encourage you do do anything on the terms of another person's career (who is not currently ready to marry) or relinquish your hard-earned peaceful relationships with your ex and in-laws, as well as the financial dependency you would have on your bf. He may be a great guy, and love you and your son, but trust me when I tell you YOU need to be completely independent financially and emotionally for your son to be emotionally stable - bf is an "extra-daddy" and not his dad. If you are on your feet and living happily now, and bf is great, slow down, don't jump and wait iti out. As one of my friends says, "Am man is not a financial plan." You and your ex have 11 more years of holidays, visits, weekends, and so many other times where your son will need you both. Another idea - ask your bf to see if he will make a career move closer, atleast for a period of time until you are sure 'he IS the one." Nothing against him - take care of YOU.

Kristy - posted on 07/30/2010

Hello!
I'm a step mom of two wonderful great kids and we have the unfortunate event of only seeing them in the Summer (half), Winter and Spring (if the Jewish holidays fall on this time then we wont be able to see them at all... which stinks).
They have vocalized many times of wanting to live in So. Fl however, their mom will not move back. I have to say its very hard to find out what is best for you and what is best for your son. However, at this point you would have to do what is best for your little one. Unless of course there is a big compromise between you and your ex. How far away will you be away from your ex? Maybe there can be a way for him to see your little one more often?
Truth is being a mom sometimes stinks regarding the decision you make about your life and your little one (being a step mom is even worse bc you have absolutely no say in the matter.) My vote is do whats in the best interest of your little one.
I hope this helps!!!

Dianne - posted on 07/30/2010

Has this man asked you to marry him? Is he financially secure?
There is a reason your son doesn't trust him yet. It is too soon and maybe your son can sense what you can't. I am a single mother of four. I would never uproot my children for a man. If it is meant to be he will find a job closer to you, or commute for a while to make sure the relationship is solid. Men come and go, family and your childs' security comes first.

Lyn - posted on 07/30/2010

this is hard but you have to do what is best for you and your child. If you and your boyfriend have not been together long that is going to not be in your favor and if you and your x haven't been devced for a while that will be another negative thorn as courts look down upon new relationships within the first year of splitting.The dad is like most parents seems to be either one or both use the kids to get what they want or to get back at the other parent unfortunate and the only ones who suffer are the kids and the other parent! I have an ex that does a lot of low crapy thins and infact yesterday the Dr therapist we see told me I will never get respect from my x and i will never get anything as far as the kids unless it is in black and white signed by a judge so i could go on for hours on how nasty he is but don't think their is enough space to do this. I would say to you good luck and make sure the move is for the better and for the right reasons.:)

Sarah - posted on 07/30/2010

You don't say what state you live in ... but I would strongly recommend that you speak to a family law attorney in your area. More than likely in Missouri, Dad would have to agree to the move or you would have to go to court, but I can't speak for other states. Some attorneys will give a free consultation, even if you can't afford a lawyer.

Marie - posted on 07/30/2010

I'd have to agree with the general consensus, unless the bio father is a horrible father or your son doesn't have a relationship I'd say that as a parent his needs and emotional well being come first at this point in your life. I know it is disappointing and frustrating, but unfortunately it's our responsibility as parents to provide kids with the most "functional" life that we can. At his age he's on the cusp of his formative years and an upheaval at his age can do a lot of damage.

Laci - posted on 07/30/2010

I don't think you should go! It's not fair to your son or your dad! Sounds like you already know the answer. If he is close to his dad and he is a good dad...you really should stay close.

Courtney - posted on 07/30/2010

My understanding of things is that if you are moving due to a job or income related reasons, the courts will allow you to go. But you will more than likely have to go to court. I'd suggest pointing out to the Dad that this will be happening (don't ask for his opinion or permission or if he would mind, or what does he think about...). Tell him the anticipated time frame. He'll take you to court. Get an attorney and be prepared to defend your decision. You may have to have a job offer lined up. Your child is not going to want to go,and he will be very upset with you for a long time. Approach your ex that you understand his (the ex's) anger/frustration with the situation, but you would like his support in making the transition easier and less stressful for your child. That you understand that he will take you to court, and you will argue your point (try not to use the word "fight") but that you both need to make things easiest for your child.

I hope things work out for you. good luck!

Sandy - posted on 07/30/2010

I WOULD HAVE A SIT DOWN TALK WITH YOR SON AND BOYFRIEND AND TALK ABOUT WHAT THE BEST THINGS ARE ABOUT THIS MOVE ; EXPLAIN TO YOR SON HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO MAKE THIS CAREARE MOVE . ALSO THE FOUR OF YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE A SIVALIZED DISCUSION ABOUT THIS MOVE ; WORK OUT ANOTHRE WAY FOR YOUR SON AND HIS FATHER TO SEE EACH OTHER ON WEEKENDS ; BOTH SIDES HAVE TO COPRAMIZE AND MAKE CHANGES . THE FATHER MUST REALIZE IF IT WERE HIM HE WOULD EXPECT YOU TO BE UNDERSTANDING . TRY TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR SON THAT EVERYONE MAKES CHANGES THROUGHOUT THERE LIVES . SOMETIMES CHANGES ARE AGOOD THING .

Brenda - posted on 07/30/2010

You did not mention marriage and your little boy has a good relationship with his father. He can count on him. Maybe consider leaving him with his dad? Just my opinion.

Samantha - posted on 07/30/2010

ur son comes 1st over ur bf ask ur son wot he wants 2 do!

Mandie - posted on 07/29/2010

Tough situation but I have to say, yr little boy's feelings should be the most important consideration here. Also right or wrong, like it or not, his dad has rights too- how would you feel if his dad made such an important decision without any regard for your access to your son?

Laura - posted on 07/29/2010

This may sound weird coming from a woman but, don't pull your kid away from his dad. I married a man who has two children from a previous relationship and he adores his children, he is a good father.I have seen first hand what arguing, badmouthing and playing your kid against one another can do, it screws the child up terribly because they love both of their parents and it only sticks them in the middle. If your ex is a good dad who loves his child, don't punish him or your son by splitting them up, It isn't worth it, you'll only hurt your child by putting them through court and pushing them back and forth between mom and dad. You may think that you're getting back at your ex but your really only hurting your child. You sound like you love your child , I know youll do best by him,you divorced your husband not your child, so don't make him suffer because things went wrong for you two.

Kathy - posted on 07/29/2010

I would talk to your ex husband before you do anything. Remember that your son needs both parents, and also check because some places you need permission from the other parent to move a certain distance away with your child. If you live in one of those places and dad won't give permission your SOL anyways. AND you said he would fight it in court... that right there says I would not move.

Marci - posted on 07/29/2010

I need to finish this -- what I mean is the court system will take into consideration about you taking the child out of state , but the father, of course has his word which I think sucks like in my situation even tho he is paying support and has nothing to do with the child WE should be able to move out of state if we would like.

Marci - posted on 07/29/2010

All I know is - if the father is going to be paying child support you may not have a chance thru the court system to take your son out of the states. I am wondering about my 7 yr., old daughter whom her father has NEVER had anything to do with her-- he does pay monthly support, but he only pays, of course because it is mandatory. I will be finding out more of this info., soon. I believe if they are paying support the father has a SAY in any situation.

Debra - posted on 07/29/2010

all i know this is hard sistation i wish you luck

SUSAN - posted on 07/29/2010

You didnt say how long you have been dating your boyfriend. If there are no plans for marriage.....I suggest staying put and see how it works out long distance for now.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/29/2010

I would be concerned that he is a boyfriend and not a husband. Even though divorces can happened, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are not as stable. You would be risking alot moving away for him regardless of a secure job for yourself. I do not see it as a good idea in my opinion. Good luck..you have a tough road ahead...I do not blame your ex for brining it to court....wouldn't you if roles were reversed?

Mia - posted on 07/29/2010

what you and your ex needs to do is sit your son down and tell him that its not his fault that you and his dad are no longer together and tell him that you both love him alot and how do you know for sure that you have a job waiting for you if you move your going to make it worse for your son think about it hard before you make that big move also your ex and boyfriend needs to get along for your sons sake take care and good luck

Mia - posted on 07/29/2010

you and your exhubend sit your son down and explain that its not his fault that you and his dad are not together but that you both love him alot i divorced my sons dad when he was one years old i had a rough time with my son but he sees hes dad now i think that your ex should tell him that your mom and me will work some thing out and will see each alot and as far as your boyfriend concern your ex needs to tell your son to respect your boyfriend and they need to get along for your sons sake take care and good luck

Becky - posted on 07/28/2010

I personally wouldn't move for a man unless I was married to him - especially not if it meant uprooting my kids and taking them away from their father. What happens if this relationship doesn't end up working out? Then you've moved your son away from his dad, for what?

Isobel - posted on 07/28/2010

I haven't read all of the other responses (and I don't know where you are and where you are moving because you used short forms and I am not American), but my immediate response is...is it possible to make the fewer visits longer? for example...maybe he can't see him every other day, but maybe he CAN see him either every weekend, or longer times during spring, winter, and summer vacation?

Janet - posted on 07/28/2010

Put into context this is easy, however it can be rather complicated as well. The easiest way to come up with the right answer is what will be best for your son? I understand your wanting to move with your boyfriend, but I think that decision would be a rather selfish decision. I don't think that a 7 year old gets to make the decisions but I sure think that he should be able to voice his opinion and he told you he doesn't want to go. I think you need to look at the bigger picture and you will see that moving is not a good decision and your boyfriend should respect that decision because he shouldn't have made a career move without discussing it further with you since it affects you and your son as well. So personally I think you should stay put and not move. I would stay put because having children complicates the decision making process, and what you want might not be best for the child.