Your room: free for all, or off limits? **EDIT ADDED**

Lisa - posted on 06/21/2010

Alicia, nice job!!! Good for you. You sound to me like you are doing everything right. Keep up the good work. I wish my room was off limits. My girls are 14 & 22. No need for them to be in my space. My 22 yr. old no longer lives at home. But my 14 yr. old thinks my space is also her space whenever she wants it to be. Not ok with mom & dad. At times I actually have to argue with her to get out of our room. She likes our TV in there. She wasn't allowed to have a tv in her room. Anyway, you're doing great! Kuddos to you.

Charlie - posted on 06/13/2010

This post has been locked as it has reached its maximum amount of replies , thank you for all of your responses .



Moderator .

Shannen - posted on 06/13/2010

My parents room wasn't off limits as such but i never walked in there without asking unless one of them was in there.

At the moment my room is fairly open as my children are 2 and 4. But my door is always closed and i am in the process of getting our 2 yr old to understand that he is not allowed in there. ( kinda hard seen as though he has learnt he can turn my handle.) But it is MY space not theirs and they are still at the age where they will get into everything i have. Yes i do go into their room but only to clean it or if they want me to.

I think all parents need a retreat somewhere to go where they can have a few minutes to themselves to regroup their thoughts.

I wish i could have a "free for all" in my room but we live in a small house and my husband and i need somewhere to go when we need to talk but can't do it infront of our children.

If my children need me , if i am in my room, then atm they are more then welcome to come and get me with out knocking but thats only due to their ages. But they do go to their own beds and only come in of a morning to wake my husband and i up!

Good on you for having boundaries for your family and it must be wrking as it sounds like all your 6 chldren have manners!

Congrats.

Medic - posted on 06/13/2010

You really made me think....and I don't believe my parents room was really OFF LIMITS I am thinking more that there wasn't anything cool to do in there so we just stayed out. For a while I shared their bathroom because I have 2 brothers and who really wants to share a bathroom with two boys but by the time I was a teenager I used the "kids" bathroom. I never really remember us running to sleep with them we usually went to our older brothers room (he is 5 years older). Now with my kids its kind of the same way our son (almost 4) only comes in to wake us up if he NEEDS something or if he wakes before us and then he usually just goes and plays in his room and our daughter is 4 months so shes just really where ever I am. As they get older it will be a no child zone unless they ask..... then I will think about letting them in.

Kaisa - posted on 06/13/2010

You are not unreasonable! Having time to one self is healthy! Keep up the good work and don't let anybody tell you that you are doing something wrong!

hugs from Finland

Sharon - posted on 06/13/2010

Alicia, I commend you & your husbands style of parenting. I include your husband here, too as without his support it wouldn't work so harmoniously, as it sounds like it does. You are teaching your children the importance of respect, & I wish their were more parents like yourselves. Don't allow others comments to undermine your self worth, it sounds like your doing a wonderful job. Enjoy your little oasis,you deserve it.

Tracy - posted on 06/13/2010

Alicia, I get you totally. I'm an only child, I'm used to my privacy. When I was married to my kids' father he wouldn't allow me the courtesy of going to the bathroom by myself. Now that it's my kids and my partner, we're establishing boundaries. YES our room is off limits, unless we invite them in. Which is often since the computer is in there and we like to show them music and whatever other kid appropriate things we find. We also allow them to close their doors in their rooms, anyone is allowed in after they knock and are answered. Personal space is essential, it keeps us sane. They don't get that at their father's house. He still makes them sleep in bed with him, for heaven's sake! They're 3 and 8 and LOVE their own beds. They come home and vanish into their rooms for a while.

If you need to vanish into your own room and let the kids take care of each other for a while, then fine. A happy mom makes a good mom. And by letting them all fend for a while, they learn independance and self reliance. Something they will all need as they enter adulthood.

Kylie - posted on 06/12/2010

I have four kids varying ages 19,17,9,2 and I would love to say that the treat my room and my need for some time out as much as your children do yours. I know that it is partly our own fault but I suppose I will just have to live with it.

PAULINE - posted on 06/12/2010

I'm sorry that you lost 2 kids two years ago, I'm sorry that you had to defend your parenting style. I keep to myself mostly and there aren't many rules in my house. I know how quickly we can lose the ones we love so I keep it as if every day is our last. I probably spend less time in my room than my children at times. You should run your house however it works for you and yours. You shouldn't have to defend yourself like this. Be well and take care of you and the family. Life is precious and time alone is valuable time you need to rejuvenate!

Kendall - posted on 06/12/2010

I didn't misunderstand you. You aren't being unreasonable to ask for privacy, and every mother needs time to themselves because that time alone helps them be a better parent. I can't speak for other people who have posted here (and Alicia, it appeared to me that the vast majority were quite OK with declaring their bedrooms off limits with or without locked doors), but I personally just think that there are other ways to be alone besides locking a door on our children even for a little while - personally I don't care for the message a locked door sends to a child (especially a young one who doesn't really 'get' the idea of privacy yet).

I think very few parents are with their kids 24/7 with work, babysitters, time when the other parent or family members are with the kids, and sleep. 24/7 togetherness is not really the goal, and would probably drive most of us crazy!

Granted, I only have 3 kids and I am a stay at home mom (and boy, do I wish I had a job outside the home some days - that would feel like alone time for me), but between time with my husband taking care of the kids and the occasional sitter and child care at the gym, I get enough (not as much as I want, but enough for now) time to myself without locking a single door. My husband and I get plenty of time together at night after the kids go to bed and in the morning before they get up and on the occasional date night.

I really believe strongly that privacy and boundaries develop as children grow. Perhaps not at the rate some parents would like these traits to develop, but if one can be patient, kids will come to respect parents' privacy and need for space without having a door locked between them and their parents, even just every now and then.

I don't know where you live, so this may not be an option for some of the year, but I assume that when you feel like locking yourself in your bedroom, someone else is watching the little ones. Maybe a walk or a workout at the gym instead? Then you wouldn't be locking a door and would be getting some healthy alone time.

I honestly don't know why a locked door is so offensive to me...I don't think I have any unresolved childhood issues. Maybe I should ask my mom if she ever locked her door on me and my sister. :)

Alicia - posted on 06/12/2010

I'm being unreasonable in asking for my own privacy? I spend all day taking care of my kids, and they are older, mind you, and the only reason they would come in my room anyways during the middle of the day is play and tear apart my room. I think some moms misunderstood my post. I dont lock my door when I sleep, its not like I'm locking them out forever. They knock, they come in, door locked, dont come in, dont knock. I dedicate alot to them, I think I can dedicate a little bit to myself.

The youngest kids I have are a new born, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old. I have a 9 year old, a 14 yo, and a 17 yo. I dont have to be with my kids 24/7. Me and the Hubby need a little time, too. :)

Connie - posted on 06/09/2010

I believe to each his own. When my kids were small, I'd read to them in my room with all three of them up on my bed, but I understand needing alone time. as long as you're accessible if something comes up then why not have a quiet place for some alone time.

Kendall - posted on 06/09/2010

The thought of locking a door between myself and my children (even the bathroom) is just unfathomable to me. There are other ways to get your alone time that don't send the message to them that they are ever unwelcome in your life. Don't get me wrong. I don't martyr myself for my children. I definitely need alone time and I get it in creative ways, but I would never shut or lock a door on them to get it. The only time I shut a door on them is when they are driving me so crazy that I need a time out to keep from screaming at them. :-)

Everyone keeps talking about establishing boundaries and a sense of privacy - but it sounds like many are forcing the issue instead of letting it develop naturally. Little children have no sense of boundaries because they need us all the time. As they grow older they will start to grasp the concept of boundaries on their own as they become more mature and independent. Our almost-6 year old is less likely to join me in the bathroom than our 3 and 1 year old. But I don't mind those little ones in the bathroom because I want them to see how it's done!

As for privacy, our almost-6 year old is also developing a sense of modesty. When he's at swim class, he waits to change in a bathroom stall rather than the locker room. We didn't tell him to do this; he is doing this because it is what he feels like doing. Boundaries and privacy are natural human traits and they will develop just fine if we can be patient.

Besides, as a child, the forbidden fruit was always the most interesting to me. To our kids, Mommy and Daddy's bedroom is just another room in our house - the way it should be.

Julia - posted on 06/09/2010

My LO is only 10 months, so I haven't got to that stage yet; however, looking back on my childhood, what I'm eternally grateful for, and, I believe, has helped me to develop into a relatively sane and confident human being, was knowing that my parents were always there for me - there wasn't a single room inside the house with a lock on it (including the bathroom), and if we needed Mum or Dad (for whatever reason, even if it was just a cuddle), we would never feel like we were intruding upon them or spoiling their 'me' time.

Although I understand that your life must be very hectic, you have, to all intents and purposes, chosen that lifestyle. I agree that every one needs their down time, and maybe you can agree times when Daddy is the one in charge so you can wind down, and vice versa, but the one thing I don't agree with is locking yourself away in your room...it just doesn't sit comfortably with me...your children should feel safe and secure, not guilty - it will only foster resentment and ill-feeling. I've even heard of children who have 'everything' (big house, bedroom, garden, lots of toys etc) say they'd give it all up for more time with their parents.

Maybe you should be looking to trim down your committments a little - if your children have a large house, garden, play areas etc, do they need to be off out doing lots of extra-curricular sports and activities? Kids are great at making their own fun - just let them do it. Get the older kids to help you with housework/meals etc. You can't have everything...you'll just drive yourself into an early grave..prioritise a little, and of course, get yourself some down time, but please, please *don't* lock yourself away from them!

Belinda - posted on 06/09/2010

Absolutely, my husband goes off when he sees kids toys in our room. Recently the 2yr old broke my bedside lamp, shattered it everywhere. Our bed head is a mantel piece so if they bounce on the bed they hit Brick! We shut the door all the time but at night leave it open so they can come in when they wake up.
I respect your decision, as it's important to have our own private place.

Pattie - posted on 06/09/2010

have it hard now day !!!!

Susan - posted on 06/09/2010

not everyone has men in their lives anna grillot - there is such a thing as a single parent! Have you not heard of this?

Susan - posted on 06/09/2010

lol. my boyfriend has his xbox in our bedroom and you can guess where he spends most of his time! but he does get kicked out when our son goes to bed, then its tv time for me hahaha

Barb - posted on 06/08/2010

Kaisa, I wish you and your husband a speedy recovery. It sounds like you are on the right track too. Good Luck with the move and having your own room. God Bless.

Kaisa - posted on 06/08/2010

We are packing up to move now to a two bedroom apartment but right now we are living in a one bedroom apartment. Right now our 4 year old daughter is sleeping in the living room but until February we were sleeping in the same room all four of us and our dog, a German Shepherd. :) So it hasn't really been a possibility to have our room to our selves. But the last month we have had the door closed if we need some alone time. Both my husband and I are recovering from depression right now so the alone time is necessary to cope. I soon as we have moved (in about 3 weeks) the children will get at room to shear and we will have a bedroom of our own again. Then we will "bar" all our kids, both two legged and four legged! :D Of course they can come in if we give them permission or if they have nightmares or fore a cuddle in the morning but other times we need that quiet place.

Barb - posted on 06/08/2010

What a excellent way to handle things. I bet your kids will grow up to be wonderful parents too.

Heather - posted on 06/08/2010

Parents need their space and time out too. Now that our son knows and understands the rules it works well. Door shut, knock first! When I was growing up our parents' room was off limits when the door was shut, although the door usually was opened in time for breakfast in bed! (Sunday mornings, served up by the kids.)

Barb - posted on 06/08/2010

I raised my daughter (29 now) that she could only enter our room with permission during the day or if she was sick at night. It worked great and she has used the same format for her kids.

Cheryl - posted on 06/08/2010

Reading some of the posts, I'm actually a little amazed. I'm trying to teach my 3 year old that my room is off limits unless I or my husband is in there. First, there are things she can get into that I don''t want her gettting into, and like most people here, I need a place without all the toys. Does that tell her I don't love her? aboslutely not. It tells her that mommy occasionally needs her space, so if its been a particularly rough day between her and her brother, then I'll set him on the floor and let him wriggle and tell her to go downstairs or in her room or with her brother and play with toys, but to give me some "me time". At the end of 20 or 30 minutes or however long I'm back to my chipper self and ready to have some more fun.

In a nut shell: If we don't take care of ourselves, how can we ever expect to take care of others?

Janis - posted on 06/08/2010

Wow, that sounds soooo good! Hubby & I always sleep with the door open, so if the door is closed, that means non-sleeping is going on! But it's not usually an issue as my kids are 23 and 11 so they don't come running in anyway anymore. They each did when they were small, and the youngest still comes crawling in on weekend mornings to 'wake me up' but ends up snoring in Dad's spot...

Meghan - posted on 06/08/2010

my room is OFF LIMITS!!! I lock the door just incase too lol. But he has quickly learnt that all he has to do is knock and mommy will either invite him in (If I am puttin laundry away or doing make-up or whatever) or I will come out and play. During the nite it's another story. With him being so little, if he wakes up scared or needs a cuddle he can come in and wake me up, then we go back to his room and cuddle. Like the OP said, the rest of the house is his to roam and terrorize...I think it is only fair that we set up our own space..somewhere that we can go to relax and unwind that isn't covered with megablocks or toy trucks! (even though I probably do have a few of each under my bed)

Jessica - posted on 06/08/2010

My room is not a play area but my kids are always allowed to come in. They are 3 and 1 and I actually cant wait for the day my youngest escapes from his crib and comes to snuggle me! They help fold laundry and watch toons in the early morning while I wake up with my coffee! We sit in the dark and snuggle, actually they wrestle one another.

Tina - posted on 06/08/2010

If I was you I would try to find a no kid suite! You are Wonder Woman.
I am a SAHM and have two boys. They come in our room when we are there and that is where the XBOX is set up so my oldest goes in there to play but only after he gets our permission.
I do not have a problem with them coming in but like I said I have 2. If I was trying to deal with 6 kids in my room wanting something I might not be so kind.
You need your space, nothing wrong with having something for you.
Note the kids only come in there during the day. My oldest (4.5 years) knows to not come downstairs until there is a big 7 on his clock so once he is in bed he is there to stay. The other is still in a baby bed.

Malaika - posted on 06/08/2010

my bedroom is soooo unexclusive, however I don't think this is a good thing. children need to learn to respect other people's boundaries and privacy. I am working to remedy this but its hard because we co-slept both of our children and they feel that our room as as much theirs as it is ours. As long as you are accesible to your kids most of the time for whatever they may need you for I say that you are entitled to some time to decompress and recharge so you can be an 100% for them and all your other demands.

Mollie - posted on 06/08/2010

I don't mind if my kiddos go in my room, I have nothing to hide ;) However, that is the one room that if they make a mess in really gets me going. That is the one room that I can keep for the most part organized!

Dee - posted on 06/08/2010

I came from a family of five, we were not allowed in our parents room without permission. My husband and I have four children, I now know why it was so important to them to have some space to themselves.

Tammie - posted on 06/08/2010

Our master bedroom is open to our daughter just like the rest of the house. This is her home and I don't want her to feel as if there is a place in it that she is not welcome.

Melany - posted on 06/08/2010

I let my kids in more than I'd like. I do kick them out on a regular basis when they are playing games or just being kids. It should be a place for us to go. Moms don't have too many escapes and our room is one of the few :)

Susan - posted on 06/08/2010

Having a lot of children (unlike myself - I only have one) you definately need your own space for your own sanity. You share so much of yourself with your children that sometimes to you begin to neglect yourself. Having an oasis or safe haven for yourself is a good thing. My son is only two so everything (except his room and the lounge) is off limits unless mum and dad is there to watch him). I get my time when he goes to bed at night. Keeps me sane :-)

Wendy - posted on 06/08/2010

We never co-slept, the kids are 9 and 4, the 4 yr. old is now also learning to knock before entering as the 9 yr old had too...we have family nights when they can sleep on the floor, but unless the door is open they know to knock! Its our privacy...and they will be teenagers one day and want the same respect!!! If I had 6 kids- I would tell them DONT EVEN KNOCK ON MY DOOR unless your bleeding or on fire when the door is closed, just kidding! But YES OFF LIMITS I agree 100%

Jaime - posted on 06/08/2010

I agree with you. Having that many children and a job you totally need your own space. I only have two children and though our door is usually open when it is closed they know not to enter or to knock first to see if it is Ok for them to enter.

Theresa - posted on 06/08/2010

A note three of my four are boys and boundries are needed so that they don't walk in on me while dressing and such. I allow my children in my room as long as I am with them and other times with permission. Toys left in my room go to the timeout box. At night my door is always open in case of night mares and incase of an emergency (seizures). With all this said I still hold that we as women do need our quiet moments. I have my kids on a schedule. They go to bed at 8pm, 7 days a week, so I have my time in the evenings.

Kendall - posted on 06/08/2010

Our room is always open for the kids. They are 5, 3, and 1 and I can't even begin to imagine shutting them out, even on my most stressed or exhausted day. We co-slept with each of them for at least the first 9 months, then gently transitioned them to a crib first in our room, then in a room with the older sibling(s). They see our room and our bed as their safe haven and I wouldn't have it any other way. Soon enough they won't want to come in our room anymore and I know we'll miss the cuddle time. Sure it is inconvenient and sometimes all I want is to be alone, but quite simply they come first when they are this young.

Theresa - posted on 06/08/2010

In response to Karrie Tincher I would just like to say...wow. I will be the first to tell you that my children are amazing gifts and I love them more than life. I will also be the first to tell you that taking care of four kids by myself, when three have epilepsy and one of those three is autistic, has sensory intergration diorder, and has a mild form of Cerebral palsy; yeah there are days it gets to me and I need some space. The reality is that in order to continually fill their needs I must take a moment to fill mine. It is not selfish to take a space and a moment for ourselves. Doing so does not make them any less amazing in my eyes or make my love for them less present. If we do not take care of ourselves who will care for our children when we are not able. In my case there is not one to back me up.



We are women as well as mothers. We don't become mothers and then cease to be people in our own right. Motherhood is an extention of the people we already are, not the other way around.

Alicia - posted on 06/08/2010

I don't think that's it is fair to say that just because you want some time to yourself that that insinuates that you don't love your children.
I agree that children are a gift; however, giving your children boundaries SHOWS them that you love them.

I have 2 special needs children, it makes life hard and hectic. I sometimes need a time out, breath, scream into a pillow whatever. As long as I am at my best when I am with them. That my dear is love.

Katena - posted on 06/08/2010

My bedroom is off limits if Im not in it. I dont mind having them come in but we do have boundries. i am the mother of 6 and my oldest knows the rules.
We have a son who is autistic and he loves coming and just have cuddle sessions. But for the most part its off limits. All kids need boundries set.

Dawn - posted on 06/08/2010

I have a three bedroom house and one child. She knows my bedroom is off limits unless she has permission. She is sixteen now, but I started making my bedroom off limits when she was around seven. I feel you are definitely doing the right thing by keeping your oasis.

Karrie - posted on 06/08/2010

I posted a reply and as I read the comments of others I realized that I would be condoning the selfish behavior of this generation. I deleted my response because children ARE NOT a job. This comes from a woman who NEVER wanted children. I am toatlly ashamed of the people on this post who feel they need space form the most important gift. If you feel I am harsh, just imagine how your children feel. Be careful of treating them as jobs because they will soon feel you are a job!

Sarah - posted on 06/08/2010

we always said off limits to our kids!

Alicia - posted on 06/08/2010

If I had six kids, a job, and they had all of the space that your kids have my room would be off limits too. Don't feel guilty about taking ONE room for yourself, you deserve it.

Karen - posted on 06/08/2010

I think having your bedroom as an oasis is perfectly okay. But your children may have times that they just want to be with you. You may want to say to them that you need some free time and that when you go in there that is your time. But, you will be out when you feel less stressed from being in your decompression chamber. Then you will be the mommy you need to be with your kids. You're quite fortunate to have a large house and a room for every kid. They should be able to consider their rooms as decompression chambers also. They'll get it.

Tiffany - posted on 06/08/2010

My husband grew up being able to walk into his parent's room any time he wanted, and my parents made sure I NEVER went into their room EVER. ( I did sneak in a few times as a teen just to see it- what a disaster, no wonder they didn't want me in there!!)

We decided that the kids can come in SOMETIMES, but it is not a free for all. It is my oasis, and I have it decorated the way I want (no other part of that house is that way) and it calms me down and I adore it. But there are times too when I love having the kids in my room with me, too. For now it's okay for them to come in if the door is open, which it almost always is.

Except when Mommy and Daddy need private time... lol

Tiana - posted on 06/08/2010

We do the same thing! Our bedroom is the only space that is ours exclusively and the kids have really learned to respect that! You should all check out www.igotmompower.com!!

Kelly - posted on 06/08/2010

Oooops I replied to your post but misunderstood what you were asking! Our bedroom is suppose to be off limits but we do have company now and then!!! I am ok with that but only now and then! I am to scared to shut and lock the door incase they are sick and need in or what if I don`t hear them etc. But I do agree that our bedroom should be someplace private for us and us only!!!

Kelly - posted on 06/08/2010

Hi...Youare one very busy mom!!! I am not sure how old your children are but if you are running to sports with them it sounds like some of them are old enough to be keeping their rooms clean! I know we all have our own way of doing things but this is what happens in my house! Ever since my children were old enough to understand the meaning of the word CLEAN I have had them look after their own bedrooms. Most often they were a disaster!!! LOL...I would just have them bring out their dirty laundry and then I do not have to deal with walking in and seeing the mess. They have a chores list and on it is once a week their room is to be spotless and it works. I understan though if you are tucking them in or reading books that walking into a messy room isn`t very nice. Maybe telling them that if they want mommy to read to them etc. then their room has to be tidey and believe me their vision of tidy and ours are totaly different ( haaahhaaa ). I guess I just figure I have enough to do and it is the least they can do and it also teaches them some responsability and respect to what they have!!! We do have to remember to praise them for a job well done even if it isn`t up to our standards. Someday they will thank you for it and it also gives us that much more time with our family as opposed to having to CLEAN their rooms. Good Luck!!!