Does it get any easyer????????

Eva - posted on 10/10/2010

Well, it's a cliche to say everyone mourns in her own way, but it's a cliche because it's true. Armistead Maupin said once that gaining some distance from a tragedy is discovering how large the tragedy is. It's been 5 1/2 years for me, and part of us is easier but I miss him every day, and I know I will miss him every day until I die. But it does get easier, and less painful. A year is still too soon to feel normal.

Laura - posted on 01/21/2010

I lost my husband of 24 years to brain cancer on April 27th 2006 and our youngest son was 13 years old at the time, it has now been almost 4 years and It does get better!! I have since fell in love again and have remarried and my son is very close to his step father!! What I found that helped us in the early stages was to talk about him when ever he came to our minds, and we would cry and laugh and remember!! Just hang in there and try to remember all the happy times you had together as a family, talk to your child/children about their father and let them know how much he loved them! When my husband was sick we had the time we needed as a couple to talk about what was happening and to prepare our finances and we talked about what he wanted me to do when he was gone and even though at the time it was very hard, when he was gone I looked back on those talks and realized that he was right. He did not want me to sit around and cry all the time, he wanted me to move on and be happy again and that is what Ive done. I do still miss him and I always will.

What is helpful for me now is that I ended up falling in love with one of our longtime friends and he has vivid memories of him as well and we are able to talk about him with my two sons and laugh and cry whenever we need to, but mostly now we laugh at the good times we all had with him!

You and your daughter are in my prayers!

Veronica - posted on 01/11/2010

It seems to me like most of the people responding lost their husbands to sudden things, and I don't know how you lost yours, but I lost my husband to cancer a little over a year ago. I know for me it has gotten better day by day. Maybe it helped that we had a lot of time to say goodbye and that he and I discussed what he wanted for me after he died (to go on, to fall in love again, to get remarried) I think that made a huge difference to me in how I felt when people started to tell me it was time to move on and date again....I really do suggest counseling though - it honestly, literally, saved me and my kids. I did not eat for at least a month after he died and was not sleeping at all...counseling really helped me and I would go right away if I were you. I originally went because my kids were not eating or sleeping either, but I needed it way more than they did. I cannot speak for your child, but I know my kids had such a hard time seeing my grief.....they worried that I would never be happy again..and for our children, I think our ability to be happy is at least in part, theirs. How can we give them strength when we have none of our own?
I wish you all the best and hope that things will get better for you - no, there is no "timeline" but for your sake I hope you get help for you and your little girl. No one can understand what you feel, but sometimes their insights can help you figure out why you are still hurting so badly and why you cannot move on...
Praying for you - Veronica

Joan - posted on 10/14/2009

Hello, My husband past away last april 2007 active duty and on duty at work. And I have 3 grown up kids...Everyones comment here is exactly what I've been through...I was numbed for a long time trying to be strong for my kids and I do my own crying in my room when i'm alone. I still have all my husbands personal things like his wallet( and what ever was inside that wallet is still there) favorite watch, ring, shirt, shoes, uniform pictures and most especially part of his URN still in my room for he was creamated.

I was told to start letting go so I started dating, and having boyfriends but at the end of the day I find myself longing for him. MISSING him more. Don't get me wrong, but It does feel good sometime to feel that your free again and doing things on your own but you always look back for when you both do things TOGETHER...

Now I just enjoy becoming the baby and the PRINCESS in my house for my kids are all BOYS..and they take good care of there MOM!!!

Rose - posted on 10/04/2009

I met my husband in 1975. He died from lung cancer on 6/25/07. I still have crying spells that come from what seems like nowhere. I'm fine one minute, and the next I'm crying.

I can still picture him coming in the house and heading to the coffee table to set his keys down, and take his wallet out of his pants pocket and set it next to his keys. I still can picture him in a lot of his routines that he had, and the quirky sense of humor he had that made me laugh. I remember his annoying way of always calling me on the phone because he knew I hated talking on the phone. I would give anything now to be able to talk to him on the phone.

I guess I'm not being very helpful. I would love to agree with the other responders and say, "Yes, it gets easier." So far, my experience hasn't been that way. Hopefully, someday, I'll be at that stage.

Right now I'm having a hard time writing this because I'm in tears. So, my answer is, no, for me, it hasn't gotten easier. But we were together for over 30 years, and at this stage in my life, I can't see my future with anyone else. I'm in my late 50s. Not that I'm ancient, but there are other factors that make me feel that I'm not going to find anyone else. On the lighter side, I don't want to have to train anyone else, and I'm darned set in my ways now.



It sounds like you're still young, so I pray that you will be able to go on with your life and love again.



God bless you, and take care.



Rosie

Ashley - posted on 09/16/2009

Karen, I to lost my loving wonderful husband about 9 months ago. I two are going through a lot of the emmotions you are going through or may not go through. Grieving is different for everyone. Don't dare let someone tell you that you are grieving wrong either!! If that person has not been through this process of life; they can't tell you nothing about how you are to be feeling!!

When the time is ready. You will know. When you feel you can no longer move on and still in the same home that you shared w/ your beloved husband. That maybe be the sign to move on honey. Have a freind over to pack you husbands things. That way you do not have to look at them and sit and cry while they are being packed. This will emotionally detach you from those feelings. You will be the one getting them back out of the boxes when you reach your new home. You can do this part quitely at your own pace. ( honey, I know if I stayed in our home that I shared with my husband. I wouldnt have moved on with /out getting out of the place ) I got my bff to pack my husbands items up she marked the box and then i had my alone time to unpake and cry........when u get into another home.....u start to feel that seperation that u have never had with him before. Its also is ok to cry in front of your little girl, bring her to u and u 2 just cry together holding each other. ( my kids do the same thing and this was their step father that my kids loved dearly ) Its ok to cry!! Its been 9months for me and it has been a blessing, that I am in another house. I still feel his pressence around me all the time. No matter where u r going in life, or where u r going to live.......He will always be right there with u hun!! Your husband wants u to be happy with your life!! He wants you to move on to other things.......I find peace when I make my husband flower arrangement that i place on his grave when special occ. comes around ie...easter, valentines, our anniversary, X-mas,b-days, and Fathers day....and so on....(im sure i missed one or two....Keep a speacial photo of him near by at all times when u r feeling down take a look at that photo, talk to that photo......Tell him how u feel. Best place to the wall when no one is looking....lol on a cerious not u will feel like he is here and ever time u get afriad or scared just go talk to him.....You don't know how much talking does to the sole.......U will learn hunny that things willl start comeng a little easier as it goes. He's still beside u hunny!! I know its long and if u need to talk to me just look me up.......I hope I help some.........rememeber I will be the one crying on the other side of ya!!

Pamela - posted on 09/12/2009

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. In time, yes time, that pain will become more bearable. It never goes away and you will accept it and it will become a part of your soul. There are no rights or wrongs to grieving so don't let anyone rush you or tell you to get over it. Just take each day one at a time.



Your daughter is at such a delicate age. She is dealing with so many emotions that are new to her; grief, anger, sadness, fear. When she sees you cry, it makes her feel so hopeless because she doesn't know what to do. She wants to make it better but she can't and that hurts. You might consider counseling if you already haven't. There is no easy answers and what works for one child may not for another so try anything and everything for you and her to help you accept his death and live your lives. Journaling, rituals, watching home videos, scrapbooking, looking through photo albums, making a quilt out of some of his clothing, a piece of jewelry, wearing a piece of his clothing, a "Daddy box" with articles that hold good memories of her dad are just a few things I can think of to help you and your daughter find some peace in your heart. Keep her involved in the community, sports, school, anything she is interested in. And you need to stay involved too.



All I can share with you is that what you are feeling is normal. Just don't turn your back to the world, your family, your friends.

Brandy - posted on 07/28/2009

My husband was killed 11 years ago, I don't know if it gets easier, but life does move on and you do get stronger.

Susanne - posted on 07/12/2009

its been over 6 yrs since i lost my husband...i can say it does get alittle easier with each year that passes but i feel like im just here...with no purpose and no direction.there are times when im in a daze.accomplished alot though.i got my dr.liscence 5yrs ago.and im more independent than ive ever been,i went to work for 9mths until one of my children got sick...i have three daughters that are the only reason i get up every morning..21,15,and 10..any way you look at it ..we still have to keep going and pray...



sorry for your loss and i pray you get through this..they say god doesnt put more on us than we can bear..im still wondering on that on..

Asma - posted on 07/07/2009

It's just over three years since my husband passed away. I agree with everything the other ladies have shared. It is sometimes more painful now for me as I think I kept everything bottled down very tight for a long time because I wanted to stay strong for my three children, now I think people think I'm a little crazy for missing him so much. BUT you do have to look for things to revive your reasons for living and for me I think my children are it - they keep me focused and looking forward to sharing whatever time we have left together. I don't know about everyone else but is it normal to be more paranoid - We were involved in a car accident and so the loss was very sudden and catastrophic because I also lost two other very close family members in the same crash (virtually grannies to my children), it jsut feels like such an uphill battle sometimes...

Candace - posted on 04/13/2009

It will be 8 years in June when my son has lost his father. My son was 4 years old when his father struck a moose on the highway. My son is now turning 12 years old soon and it has not gotten any easier. My son now has been diagnosed with 2 heart conditions and my worries have just grown. What do you tell your child when they come home crying because it is not fair that all his friends have a father to do things with and he doesn't.. my heart broke then... I just hope that i am doing enough to fill the void. All my son wants to be when he gets older is to be a police officer like his dad. I thank god everyday that i have my son. I look at him as a gift from his father. A Gift that i will always treasure....

Wendy - posted on 03/23/2009

I'm sorry for your loss. I have been widowed since September 2004 and I too would like to reassure you that it does get easier. I agree with what other people have said "it never totally goes away" but I wouldn't necessarily call it a dull ache either. At 5 years it certainly feels different than at 2 or 3 years and I am once again truly enjoying life and all that it offers. Also, I agree with Tammy, you must stay strong for your daughter. She needs you now more than ever and she's at a horrible age to begin with let alone having to go through a loss too.

 Find or do things that interest you and can keep your mind occupied. It's a matter of finding a "new normal" which is difficult but possible. It is also true that there is no time frame in which you should do things although it is not healty to just sit around amongst someones belongings and cry but you don't have to do anything until you are ready.

Kristine - posted on 03/21/2009

I am sorry for your loss. My kids and I are moving the beginning of April. So I have already begun the process of packing my husbands things. I wasn't ready to do that yet. However I will keep most of his things especially the ones that meant alot to him. The kids and I are not happy living where we are at anymore. It also upsets the kids since he passed away at home. When you are ready to pack you will do so. Stay strong and keep your head up

Kristine

Tammie - posted on 03/21/2009

We all have good days and bad days.  My hubby has been gone for nearly three years.  I escape into romantic movies or the business of life.  Keeping in touch with friends is helpful - but there is no one thing that makes it all better.  Take care of yourself emotional ly and physically - sometimes "sucking it up" for the kids - your daughter, might just be what you need to pull out the doldrums for a while.  She needs to know that you are not "gone" too.  Hang in there - hug that beautiful girl!

Ami - posted on 03/18/2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

It does get easier, hang in there.  The pain never totally goes away but you will learn to live with the dull ache.

My husband passed away 3 years ago this June.  Our daughter just turned 3 last month.  It is hard.  I still think about him everyday. 

Do things as you feel you can deal with it.  There is no time line set out for us to follow.  You may want to keep his things out for another 5 years, but that's totally up to you.  Don't push yourself or feel rushed.  You will know when it's time.

Good luck.

Ami