Stephanie - posted on 02/05/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )
throughout our marriage my husband said he would never leave me. he strained his back 11/02, was treated for a back injury but the pain only got worse. on1/27/03 he was diagnosed with terminal Lung Cancer, they treated him aggressively because he was young and because he wanted them to, he was home until he could no longer walk & was hospitalized on 3/7 and he died on 3/10/03. it was all so sudden and unbeliveably cruel. he suffered. lost weight, lost strength, but never lost hope and never accepted his terminal diagnosis. i have dreams often. usually i am looking all over for him, calling his mother's house to see if he is there, walking the city streets trying to find him. sometimes i find him and he is ok. doing his own thing. hanging out with friends, like he did when he was younger. happy. and this makes me sad. i wont him to come home. sometimes in my dreams i wonder if he is with another woman and that is why he isnt coming home. but he isnt. and then i get that pit in my stomach about how hard it is without him and i get angry at him for not coming home to help. i say richie come home, if not for me then for katie. then somewhere between dreamland and the real world i remember he is dead. and i wake up. and i'm in pretty bad shape. he's dead. yes, he is and he cant come back. .... last nite i had a dream that he was sitting with a group of men. he looked sad, sick, and weak, but when i asked him how he was doing he said he was feeling good. (that is what he always said even though it was obvious he was very sick). i asked him if he wanted to come home and all he said was that he had to get gas for his car. and he just sat there. i was so sad after he died, one thing i did to make myself realize he was truly gone and not coming back, was to look in the mirror and say over and over, "richie is dead, he's dead." it was hard & painful but true and i had to do it, i was moving on physically but not psychogically. i dont wait for his car to pull into the driveway anymore, but when i see a car that looked like his, it excites me for a second, until reality sets in. i kept a few of the clothes he was wearing in pictures with my daughter who was a baby when he died. i wear his sunglasses. i still have his watch and rings. i have his cologne that i keep in his bureau drawer & i smell it& it brings him back for a second. there isnt much in those drawers anymore, but i havent put any of my things on that side. i never thought about it. he comes to me in my dreams. sometimes we do things together and it is like old times. sometimes we argue about him coming home & i get mad at him not understanding why he chooses to stay where he is instead of coming home. i think he is trying to help me move on by telling me he is ok that he has moved on and he isnt coming back and that i should not be so overwhelmed with grief. i've read in other "posts" that you arent having dreams. i have a Masters Degree in Counseling, so the academic in me says that i am working out my grief while i'm asleep. but the non academinc me is saying that richard is helping me too. is anyone else having dreams and what are you dreaming about?