dreams

Stephanie - posted on 02/05/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

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throughout our marriage my husband said he would never leave me. he strained his back 11/02, was treated for a back injury but the pain only got worse. on1/27/03 he was diagnosed with terminal Lung Cancer, they treated him aggressively because he was young and because he wanted them to, he was home until he could no longer walk & was hospitalized on 3/7 and he died on 3/10/03. it was all so sudden and unbeliveably cruel. he suffered. lost weight, lost strength, but never lost hope and never accepted his terminal diagnosis. i have dreams often. usually i am looking all over for him, calling his mother's house to see if he is there, walking the city streets trying to find him. sometimes i find him and he is ok. doing his own thing. hanging out with friends, like he did when he was younger. happy. and this makes me sad. i wont him to come home. sometimes in my dreams i wonder if he is with another woman and that is why he isnt coming home. but he isnt. and then i get that pit in my stomach about how hard it is without him and i get angry at him for not coming home to help. i say richie come home, if not for me then for katie. then somewhere between dreamland and the real world i remember he is dead. and i wake up. and i'm in pretty bad shape. he's dead. yes, he is and he cant come back. .... last nite i had a dream that he was sitting with a group of men. he looked sad, sick, and weak, but when i asked him how he was doing he said he was feeling good. (that is what he always said even though it was obvious he was very sick). i asked him if he wanted to come home and all he said was that he had to get gas for his car. and he just sat there. i was so sad after he died, one thing i did to make myself realize he was truly gone and not coming back, was to look in the mirror and say over and over, "richie is dead, he's dead." it was hard & painful but true and i had to do it, i was moving on physically but not psychogically. i dont wait for his car to pull into the driveway anymore, but when i see a car that looked like his, it excites me for a second, until reality sets in. i kept a few of the clothes he was wearing in pictures with my daughter who was a baby when he died. i wear his sunglasses. i still have his watch and rings. i have his cologne that i keep in his bureau drawer & i smell it& it brings him back for a second. there isnt much in those drawers anymore, but i havent put any of my things on that side. i never thought about it. he comes to me in my dreams. sometimes we do things together and it is like old times. sometimes we argue about him coming home & i get mad at him not understanding why he chooses to stay where he is instead of coming home. i think he is trying to help me move on by telling me he is ok that he has moved on and he isnt coming back and that i should not be so overwhelmed with grief. i've read in other "posts" that you arent having dreams. i have a Masters Degree in Counseling, so the academic in me says that i am working out my grief while i'm asleep. but the non academinc me is saying that richard is helping me too. is anyone else having dreams and what are you dreaming about?

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Betty - posted on 02/10/2009

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Stephanie - your experience is so similar to mine. On the second day after my husband was diagnosed, the doctors were pretty blunt about how much time he had left. Of course I didn't believe it. The doctor pretty much told us to spend the last month saying goodbye to everyone he needed to say goodbye to. My husband was calling family and friends and telling them matter-of-factly that he was dying. We had at least 4 doctor's opinions (Memorial Sloane Kettering, NYU Cancer Institute, Beth Israel, & Albert Eistein Hospital) but everyone came back with the same grim prognosis.



My husband enjoyed life and the main things he enjoyed most (besides his family) was eating, photography, computers, and anything to do with planning. Towards the end, he could do neither of these - his quality of life was so diminished and eating took such a toil on his body. He lasted a little over 2 1/2 months before he passed. For people who say it's better for your loved ones to die at home (as he did) just be prepared to relive the moments of his death (before & after). It will stay with me for the rest of my life. Thank god the kids were downstairs when my husband began to slip away from life. The kids and I stayed away from the room where he passed for at least 2 months. So yeah, it was very traumatic and I keep "flashbacking" on the way he died (I was the only one in the room with him when he passed). The irony of that whole day was that prior to him passing, the representative from hospice had been over discussing the plans for in-home hospice but my husband made the final decision after all.



After the funeral, everytime I heard someone near our door, I kept thinking it was him coming home from work. That was also hard - knowing that he would never walk in that door ever again. I used to see his pictures and feel so heart-broken that he wouldn't be here for our kids. Then I would get mad that he left. Such conflicting feelings!

Stephanie - posted on 02/10/2009

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Betty i remember the utter shock and disbelief. on the day we heard the news: richard said, tell me straight doc, am i going to die, and the oncologist said "yes." the nurse and doctor left the room with richard to start him on IV medications for the cancer and to calm him and i was left sitting in the room, alone. that was 1/27/03. i had such a pit in my stomach, i didnt cry, i didnt know what to do. when i talked with the doctor later to ask how much time. the doctor said, 3months, 6months or 1year. so i figured atleast we had 3months. he went down hill fast, he couldnt eat, he lost 90pds, then he couldnt walk or use his left side. richard was always big and strong and a big eater and it was very hard to watch him endure the pain, not be able to eat and become so weak. then on 3/10/03, the doctor said my husband wouldnt last through the month, it was 3/10/03. i then readjusted my mindset, to: atleast we had 3 more weeks. but richard died in the hospital that nite 3/10/03. aside from the grief, the whole ordeal was traumatic. some people call them flashbacks, but i call it "getting lost in memories. " the shock of it all is still hard to fathom.

Betty - posted on 02/10/2009

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Hi Stephanie - My husband was diagnosed with liver cancer after being admitted into emergency hospital on 2/5/08. Initially he was given a 6 mons - 1 yr prognosis and then the following day, it was upgraded to 3 wks - 1 month! Can you imagine our utter shock and disbelief! I didn't accept it at first because I thought the doctors were wrong and that he was just misdiagnosed. I took him to emergency just thinking maybe he had something bad to eat or a possible hernia.



The days that followed were surreal - we were moving in slow-motion but in a desparate urgency to finalize unfinished business. We have 2 kids: at that time they were 3 & 12. The hardest part was realizing that my 3 yr old would never get the time with his daddy that my 12 yr old did. Unlike your husband, my husband began to realize that he was dying although we went to several doctors for their opinions. He tried to prepare me by imparting as much knowledge as he could before his time came. When he passed away at home in our bedroom, I was haunted everytime I went into that room. Like your husband, mine suffered incredible pain and was on pain medication to the end. Wasn't it awful watching your loved one waste away and become the shell of the man he used to be? I could never forget that. I really thought I would feel his presence in our bedroom after he passed but the only feelings I had were fear and nervousness walking into the room where he died and remembering all the suffering he went through.



I've read many books about afterlife communications since then. I want to have dream visitations from him where I can see that he is ok and happy again and not in anymore pain. When that happens I'll let you guys know.

Stephanie - posted on 02/10/2009

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after thinking about it, i think my dreams are just that i still want richard in my life. and although i accepted his terminal diagnosis (he didnt). i'm not accepting that he is actually really gone. so i dream him. i'm happy that i can atleast see him again in my dreams. even though sometimes i wake up upset. most times i dream of him and wake up ok, happy that i got to see him again.

Betty - posted on 02/09/2009

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The only brief dreams I had of my husband (he also went through the ordeal of cancer) were not comforting to me. In the dreams he was still having pains in his abdomen. Like I said the dreams were very short and I'm concluding that they were not visitations but more like past memories.

However, this morning around the am's I had a funny sensation that I was kissed on my lips and the feeling I got was that it was my husband. It was really weird and went I woke I kept wondering whether I imagined it or really felt it.

Stephanie - posted on 02/08/2009

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patti, i really appreciate your input. it is interesting to have another person's opinion, instead of just mine. i have to think about what you said because it is so far from how i have been trying to figure things. i'll let you know what i come up with............

Pati - posted on 02/06/2009

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Hi Stephanie,



I have been thinking about this a lot since last night and it really makes sense to me. As she has with many other aspects of her life so far she has to come to terms in her own way with the moving on without not only her dad but his family. There is no contact between them so it’s been a big loss. Now that she is growing up and becoming an adult, finishing HS and all this stuff, I’m sure it has her thinking again about all the things in her life he will miss.  I hope this is helping her say good bye to him from the child she was and moving on to the woman she is meant to be. I know it will be painful for her to start a new chapter that he will never be a part of, but I know we will carry him always in our hearts and memories.  I know it sounds weird but I think not actually being able to say good bye to him while he could respond is why they cant in the dream. It’s always in the past it’s her struggle to hold tight to the love while letting go of the pain and moving forward knowing she will never really know why.  



 But on that I was thinking, is there something going on in your life right now that you are really struggling with? You mention wanting him to come home, calling around looking for him in your dream. Is there something you are waiting for him to do or something you need to do for him? You said you never accepted his terminal diagnosis, did you get to say good bye and did he?  Maybe in your dream you can try to tell him he doesn’t have to come home, that you will be ok, say good bye to him. It’s just a thought. I suggested the same thing to my daughter, that she tells him what she is doing instead of asking him what he is doing. That she tells him she is moving on and that she hopes to see him in her dreams but that she has to go now .



 

Stephanie - posted on 02/06/2009

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i'm so relieved to have this site. and you have helped me because i now know i'm not alone in my experiences. thank you for responding to my post. i too, like your daughter, have dreams that seem very real and i wake up a wreck and have to use every coping skill i have to pull myself together. it is so hard for me and i'm 46years old, i can imagine how hard it must be since she is only 18.

Pati - posted on 02/05/2009

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Interesting post, though I am not having dreams, my daughter is about her dad who passed 12/05. In reading what you say at the bottom, it makes sense that she is working in out in her sleep and he is helping her since that’s probably where he can help the best.  I was going to call the dr, but now I’m thinking that she is ok and this is her psyche dealing with another part of the grief. She will graduate this year and head to college, and turn 18 all things that were talked about and planed over the years with him in it but he wont be here. The past couple months she has had some encounters with him in her dreams that are so real and when she wakes up she gets hysterical realizing that he is not here and that it was just a dream. The first time it happened she missed school, she was crying all day like it was the day he died all over again. The dreams are not relating to her life now she says she is a little older but it feels like its back when he was alive. A few times she has realized in her dream that he is gone and tries to ask him where he is or what happened. She tried to talk about him being gone and he won’t do it. He says see you later and then the dream is over.  I probably did not help you at all, but I think you helped me. Thank you.

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