How do you cope with the FIRSTS and ANNIVERSARIES?

Shona - posted on 05/20/2009

I love your idea with the card attached to the balloon, i will do that with my 5 year old daughter for her dad's birthday.
The only way i can cope is just to keep busy, try not to think about Him too much, My daughter's father passed away november 2008 and i am still going through all the 'first's' My daughter's first day at school has been the hardest so far.

Candace - posted on 04/18/2009

Hi Tracy... I am sorry for your loss. The firsts are always difficult. It will be 8 years in June for us. My son just turned 4 when he lost his father. He will be 12 in june a few days before the anniversary of his death. It is difficult, i wish i could say that things will get easier, but the truth is there are times when it does get easier and there are times when it seems fresh still... Definitely looking into my sons eyes as the years got by and his father looks back at me.. He is starting to look more and more like him. That is hard to take. Sometimes it makes me smile and sometimes it makes me cry. If any advice i can give to you it would have to be keep the lines of communication open with you and your children. Share stories and memories of their father as often as you can. And know that it is ok to have a bad day,in the end they make you stronger. And set up a great support system around you. (Whether it is family, friends, or even a professional) reaching out to others that have experienced the same as you like this site is a great support as well. You need to take care of yourself as well..... I hope this helps you, even if it only a little has, i am glad... Be strong and hang in there.... My thoughts are with you and your family.....
Candace

Jenny - posted on 04/18/2009

We just got our daddy blankets back and the kids love them. I think they have enough shirts to make one for me to.

Jenny - posted on 04/18/2009

My husband died the day before our wedding aniversary so I get where you are coming from. We do the balloon thing too. For his birthday we made his favorite meal. It was still pretty awful though, I hope next year it's a little less awful.

Tracy - posted on 03/12/2009

I showed my  9 year old Peyton all the posts that we received after her SENDING A BALOON with a little note attached to daddy for his bday and other special days.  It made her feel so grown up that she could help other kids and other families with her idea.   It is a real healing process.  Our 3 year old now Sends EVEERY Balloon she recieves, (at restaurants, bday parties, etc)  to her daddy.  She says they make him smile.   Thanks everyone for sharing and caring. Blessings to all.

Tracy - posted on 03/12/2009

I showed my  9 year old Peyton all the posts that we received after her SENDING A BALOON with a little note attached to daddy for his bday and other special days.  It made her feel so grown up that she could help other kids and other families with her idea.   It is a real healing process.  Our 3 year old now Sends EVEERY Balloon she recieves, (at restaurants, bday parties, etc)  to her daddy.  She says they make him smile.   Thanks everyone for sharing and caring. Blessings to all.

Emily - posted on 03/07/2009

 I also confront that horrible anxiety with memories that pop up on holidays.  This is the 2nd year of this "new life" without my hubby.  On the holidays that bring anxiety I have created NEW MEMORIES on these days.

For example, his birthday my 3 kids and I go on a trip to Disney.  On our wedding anniversary, now has become just a "celebration of School's Out"  (July 1st)-this day is ALL about the kids.

We are definitely NOT going to forget our loved ones...we're just readjusting life without them and learning to live with these memories.  You're courageous!

Julie - posted on 02/23/2009

when it wa sthe aniversery of my husbands death i ha dthe idea that everything would be OK again. I thought it would be the last of the firsts! but that wasnt true. I agree that things get diffrent as time passes on, but you never forget. Its been 5 years that David has been gone. my kids also went to comforzone camp in virginia. Its a very good camp for grieving children and it was good for me as well to be around and talk with other parents who have lost a spouse. I have even made life long friendships because of it. check it out chris left the link two post above mine it helps when you have others to help you along with your grief

Betty - posted on 02/22/2009

When my husband passed in April 22, 2008, my son's 4th b-day was just around the corner in May. No one wanted my son to miss out on his birthday because we were still in mourning so we all decided to have a party for him anyway - which was put together in an impromptu way. He had so much fun having all his family with him and I'm sure his daddy was there with him that day. Then in June, which was my husband's b-day, I took the kids out to his grave along with balloons and cake and celebrated with him that day. And June was also Father's day so we trekked over to the cemetery again with flowers to honor him. For us, special moments are spent at the cemetery with him. Being Asian, we always give burnt offerings to our departed loved ones so everytime we make the trip to see my husband, we always bring incense & candles to honor him. And we make sure to bring plenty of paper money to burn to send to him in the other world (wherever he is).

Kathryn - posted on 02/22/2009

Hello Ladies.. Although it's going on 11 years of my husband's sudden death (March 2, 1998) I was left with four children, who were at the time, 9,7,5, and just turned 3 years old. The "first" of all the holidays, birthdays, aniversaries, etc. were very difficult. I to this day, hate Easter, since it was the first holiday we celebrated after his death. It's the holiest of all the holidays and I still can't get past it. I was always nervous a few days before any of the "firsts" and even for years after that, whenever we would celebrate kids birthdays, holidays, graduations, dance recitals, etc., but somehow, I did manage to survive. I think because I have a lot of faith in God. YOU do have to be strong for your kids, they need you. And to this day, I thank God every day for my kids, because I know my husband is so proud of all of them and their accomplishments. When the kids were younger, every year for his birthday, we would go to the cemetary, sing happy birthday to daddy and send up balloons to heaven. Each child had their own balloon, and their own note to their daddy, we put the note in the balloon and had the woman at the store blow the balloons up, and we went to the cemetary and let them go. It really is a wonderful idea, the kids loved it, and it made us all happy. They were excited to do that and looked forward to it. It doesn't have to be done at the cemetary, in your own backyard, or wherever you're comfortable with it. Time will heal the pain, and their is no set time that you will be healed completely, but know that some day, you will meet again, and he'll be waiting for you with open arms at the gates of heaven. God bless all of you and your children.

Christine - posted on 02/21/2009

The firsts are difficult.  On the first anniversary of my husbands death - I pulled the kids from school and we had a Honoring Day.  Just the immediate family had breakfast together at a small family run restaurant that we used to visit.  Then at lunch everyone - my husbands best friends, our family, the boys, his parents, etc... we all went to lunch at Cracker Barrell because my husband and I would meet at Cracker Barrell every Wednesday's for lunch for the chicken pot pie!  While we were there I passed around cards for everyone to fill out.  We picked up the balloons and attached our cards to the balloons and did a release from the cemetary.  We spent the afternoon at our coffee shop (my husband's love - roasting coffee and the social atmosphere of the shop).  For dinner we all met one last time at Lone Star - my husbands favorite dinner spot.  While we were there I honored each of my husbands best friends with one of my husbands BIG DADDY shirts/sweaters and one for his sister as well.  Each of the boys was given a piece of their dad as well.  One suggestion that was given to me that I wish I had done - was to have a pillow (some do a teddy bear for younger kids) out of their dad's shirts.  I didn't learn about this until afterwards - otherwise I would have done it too.  It will be 4 year in March for Steve's passing and I still go into the closet and grab one of his shirts (Most of his clothes are gone - just a select few that I kept) and I can smell him. That's the nice thing about the pillow/bear - you can usually 'smell' their presence.

** Also - I posted a link on the home page for Comfort Zone Camp.  That help my son deal with the first year too.  Not thinking only of me here. :)  He will go for his 4th time this year!

Connie - posted on 02/19/2009

Tracy

Today will be 4 years since my husband has been gone. The best advice I can offer is you listen inside of your heart, follow that voice no matter what it is telling you. Be strong for your kids but allow them to know you are human and feel the same sadness and hurt.

Ami - posted on 02/18/2009

I absolutely love the balloon idea!!  That is definitely something I will do with my daughter when she gets a little bit older. 

As for things that we do....for my husband's birthday we bake daddy a cake and have his other daughter over for a birthday party.  For the first anniversary of his death we brought chocolate and thank you cards to the hospital where he spent his last days.  They were wonderful to us and I thought a thank you was a good way of remembering and honouring him on that day.  The second anniversary we had a picnic. On my wedding anniversary I watch our wedding video and drink some of the wine I still have left from our wedding.  Our first anniversary was a month after he passed away.  I had been  hoping to go to Niagara Falls with him for our anniversay.  My best friend and I went instead.  We listened to my wedding music the entire car ride, I brought his ashes with me and we just spent the day doing all of the things he and I would've done.  It was a really good day.

The only hope that I have at this point is that these things will help our daughter to know that her daddy was loved and that he loved her.  She was only 4 months old when he passed so as she grows older these special days will have more meaning to her.

Stephanie - posted on 02/16/2009

how did valentines day go? after 6years it is still a medium sad day for me. my husband would buy me roses and cards and i would get mad that he spent so much $ on flowers that would just die in a few days. then we would go out to a nice dinner. this year, i went into the Godiva shop and bought myself 2 pieces of chocolate from the case: $5 and I had to laugh with my husband, for spending that much $ on candy and missing my roses. my daughter made my day, she is 7years old and she made several crafts for me and she wrote me a song. she's so thoughtful.

Pati - posted on 02/11/2009

Quoting Carolann:

My son was 2 when my husband died in 1990, since then we have moved half away around the world and each anniversary, birthday etc is still not easy.  When my son was older and understood a little I made a dinner one year on his dads birthday and called it dads birthday dinner....since then its become a ritual between us every year to celebrate his life on his birthday with 'dads dinner'. My son is 21 this month we talk openly about his dad, I have pictures of him around the house.  Life continues and I have a loving partner and 2 more children he takes my 2 youngest out on my husbands birthday and leaves my eldest and I to celebrate his life, just the two of us....it has become something really special.

I love the balloon idea, its beautiful!

I love that, just the 2 of you on his birthday for a special dinner. really love that one.

Carolann - posted on 02/11/2009

Amanda - posted on 02/11/2009

I made grief cake with a friend.  It was spontaneous, totally unplanned.  My husband's b-day, Christmas and 6mo. anniversary were all wrapped into one the first year.  I called my friend and she made a birthday cake with me in the middle of the night 3am to be exact.  We told "Nick" stories and laughed and cried.  We lovingly named this process making grief cake.  We sang to daddy and ate cake on Christmas morning as we always had.

On my first Valentines Day and Mother's Day I planned for a sitter for part of the day and went through some of the cards he had given me.  Some of these I had forgotten recieving so it was like getting these messages from him again.  I also got some of his things organized on holidays because thinking about him was inevitable and it helped me acknowledge that.  I also allowed myself to curl up and cry for part of the day on days leading up to holidays without him.  Each day is another part of the process for us.  The joy he brought to our lives will never really die.  I won't let it.

Also... I love love the balloon idea.  We do a balloon release annually on the anniversary of his death but hadn't thought to add a card or message.  I love this idea.  Thank you.

Pati - posted on 02/10/2009

HI

I feel for you, there is no answer to getting through we just do. Some how we have all survived the loss and the firsts. Christmas 2005 was probably one of the hardest days for us, he died on 12/1/05. I thought the” firsts” would be in the first year, but there have been so many more. Every day we just grow stronger, we don’t miss him any less, and some days it still hurts like it just happened, but we go on and that’s all we can do. I am thankful that I had my daughter to need me so much, it has kept me going.  

The balloon idea sounds great, very special for the children and that will help you as well. We don’t do anything on holidays or anniversaries my daughter has never wanted to, maybe if she was younger when he passed but I never forced it.  We talk about him, and I throw out ideas to remember him if you will, she really likes the idea of a evening beach bon fire on his BD She says it would be great to run an add in the paper to invite anyone that ever knew him to gather and share stories, but says she is not ready to hear his friends tell them just yet.   We have been thinking of getting a bench and donating it to the city, to have them place it at the beach; he loved to go sit at the beach.

 I am not looking forward to this summer, my daughter will have to handel a lot of emotions as she graduates, turns 18 and heads to college in less than a 2 month period. I cant even think of what it will be like for me watching her cross that stage, or dropping her off at college alone, I’m too worried of how she will deal with it.  It is normal to want to curl up and hide, but sometimes all you can do is turn up the radio, take a hot shower and cry.

I will keep you in my thoughts

Holly - posted on 02/10/2009

i reallly love the balloon idea and will definately remember it for a couple years from now. right now my daughters are 1 year so they don't really understand. but  feb 7 was my husband's birthday, so i totally understand. usually for every holiday or an anniversary of ours, i will get a card and write a message in it (we always got each other cards, for no reason at all sometimes) and leave it at the cemetary. i don't expect to get it back but his mom will usually pick things up after a few days so they don't fly away in the wind. plus writing something to him really helps me clear my head of the sadness. i just tell him how i feel about the whole situation, what i would have done differently, how much he meant to me, etc, and i think he can hear me so that makes me feel better. the girls like to run around the cemetary, and leave things for their daddy. we left a snickers bar this last time because that was his favorite.  but that really is all i know to do right now since they are so young. i would like more ideas too, so thank you for starting this thread..

Stephanie - posted on 02/10/2009

these are all very difficult days for me too and the "Firsts" never seem to end in my life. it seems, for the last 6years, i'm always holding back tears at school events,etc. i dont mean to be a "debbie downer" and dont want to come across that way by any means, its just that regardless of what i do with other people or what they do for me, i still have that sadness inside (or the urge to crawl into bed and stay there..). and the hardest part for me is that no one has ever been able to tell me how to deal with it. sure i have been given many suggestions, but in the end, it seems that i have to muddle through myself. i take a piece of one suggestion here and a piece of that advice there and ignore others completely. mostly, i take time to remember, sometimes i write down my feelings, or i go somewhere that has significance even if just to drive by. someone who lost both his wife and child, once told me: it doesnt get better it just gets different. by the way, the balloon idea is wonderful. we have done this and it is magical for my (7year old) daughter to believe that somewhere on the other side her father will receive her message. i stand there feeling happy that atleast she has found a way to connect with him again.